1. Russian hand-cranked flashlight?Copy !req
2. Nancy Drew books?Copy !req
3. What kind of hardware store is this?Copy !req
4. Dad, the world's best hammer!Copy !req
5. Sears already sold me
the world's best hammer,Copy !req
6. so someone's lying.Copy !req
7. I say we just get him a gift certificate.Copy !req
8. That's a great idea, Bobby.Copy !req
9. We will give your fatherCopy !req
10. who worked so hard to conceive youCopy !req
11. the same thing we give the paperboy
who did nothing.Copy !req
12. I'm lucky.Copy !req
13. Cotton is so easy to shop for.Copy !req
14. Either he likes what I get him
and he's happy,Copy !req
15. or he hates it and he shoots it
and he's happy.Copy !req
16. It's the first Christmas dinner
in my new apartment,Copy !req
17. so you better bring a Christmas gift,Copy !req
18. a housewarming gift,Copy !req
19. and a chair if you want to sit.Copy !req
20. No problem, I've got some that fold.Copy !req
21. Now, how about I buy you an ornament?Copy !req
22. A "Peace"?Copy !req
23. You would like that, you draft-dodger.Copy !req
24. Sure you can't find one
with a flag burning on it?Copy !req
25. It's Jesus peace, not hippie peace.Copy !req
26. Either way, we've always been
a "Joy" family.Copy !req
27. - But...
- Joy!Copy !req
28. - Huh?Copy !req
29. I've got to go, Dad.Copy !req
30. There's a propane emergency
at the police station.Copy !req
31. Oh, everyone out of the way!Copy !req
32. The assistant lackey's on the move.Copy !req
33. Never been promoted.Copy !req
34. I'm proud to serve as assistant manager,Copy !req
35. and Buck will promote me
when I'm good and ready.Copy !req
36. Hank Hill, Strickland PropaneCopy !req
37. responding to the propane emergency.Copy !req
38. There's your emergency.Copy !req
39. Mr. Strickland?Copy !req
40. How did you get locked in there?Copy !req
41. DWI, Hank.Copy !req
42. - Blew a.2.Copy !req
43. It was just a couple
of three-three eggnogs.Copy !req
44. Hell, that shouldn't countCopy !req
45. seeing as how it's Christmas and all.Copy !req
46. But why would you call in
a false propane emergency?Copy !req
47. We're looking at a 50 dollar fine,
once I report us.Copy !req
48. Well, I needed a sober ride, Hank.Copy !req
49. They took away my license.Copy !req
50. Who wants to buy propane
from some no-license castrato?Copy !req
51. Tell you what, sir.Copy !req
52. Why don't you let me drive you around?Copy !req
53. I like to drive. You like to sit.
Everybody wins.Copy !req
54. You drive nice, Hank.Copy !req
55. I pretend the gas pedal's an egg.Copy !req
56. Pull over!Copy !req
57. Now I remember
where I was going last night.Copy !req
58. Yup, Douglas makes a good fir.Copy !req
59. This is your tree.Copy !req
60. She's a beaut, Hank.Copy !req
61. How are you fixed for ornaments?Copy !req
62. "Peace," huh?Copy !req
63. Thanks again for the tree, Mr. Strickland.Copy !req
64. 'Course, in a way,
every year you buy me a tree.Copy !req
65. You know, the paychecks.Copy !req
66. Nah, it's the least I could do.Copy !req
67. You may be driving me all over creation.Copy !req
68. The judge says
I ain't getting my license backCopy !req
69. till I do my community service.Copy !req
70. Got to build some house for Jimmy Carter.Copy !req
71. You get to build
a Habitat for Humanity HouseCopy !req
72. for driving drunk?Copy !req
73. I've been on the waiting list
for two years.Copy !req
74. I tell you what, Old Top.Copy !req
75. How would you like itCopy !req
76. if I made you assistant managerCopy !req
77. of building this house?Copy !req
78. You mean it?Copy !req
79. Well, thank you, sir.Copy !req
80. No, thank you.Copy !req
81. And long story short,Copy !req
82. Mr. Strickland tells me
I can build the house.Copy !req
83. He did not!Copy !req
84. He did, Bill. Why would I make it up?Copy !req
85. I don't know.Copy !req
86. Sometimes I lie to get attention.Copy !req
87. You want to help me or not?Copy !req
88. - Yeah, man.
- Way to go!Copy !req
89. I'd like to volunteer
to be in charge of booby traps.Copy !req
90. There will be no booby traps, Dale.Copy !req
91. What?Copy !req
92. Oh, right. Got you, Hank.Copy !req
93. No booby traps.Copy !req
94. Groundbreaking's day after tomorrow.Copy !req
95. I wish I could go to bed right nowCopy !req
96. and wake up in two days
with a shovel in my hand.Copy !req
97. Mom!Copy !req
98. Shovel for Christmas.Copy !req
99. You know what? I'm too excited to eat.Copy !req
100. I think I'll grab one of my shovels
and practice on Bill's yard.Copy !req
101. Come on, Hank.Copy !req
102. Let's go shoot us a Christmas tree.Copy !req
103. Well, Dad, you know
how much I love to yellCopy !req
104. "Ready, aim, timber,"Copy !req
105. but this year,
Mr. Strickland bought me a tree.Copy !req
106. But we always...Copy !req
107. Aah! Only a man with a narrow ureteeCopy !req
108. would think that skinny stick was a tree.Copy !req
109. Too bad we can't get Dad
a new Dad for Christmas.Copy !req
110. Or can we?Copy !req
111. Bobby, I have turned your terrible ideaCopy !req
112. into a brilliant one.Copy !req
113. The best present for your fatherCopy !req
114. would be a healthy relationship
with his father.Copy !req
115. One where they can express
their real feelings for each other.Copy !req
116. And, conveniently,Copy !req
117. I can get the same thing for Cotton.Copy !req
118. Dee dee gets her bath gel like always,
and I'm done.Copy !req
119. - Phew!
- Can I put my name on it?Copy !req
120. I'll put your name on it.Copy !req
121. Hank, why don't you invite your fatherCopy !req
122. to the groundbreaking?Copy !req
123. Because I already know his answer,Copy !req
124. "No," followed by an insult.Copy !req
125. Oh, so now you're a psychic?Copy !req
126. Oh, Cotton!Copy !req
127. Hank has something to tell you!Copy !req
128. Did you see that coming?Copy !req
129. Uh, Dad?Copy !req
130. If you're not doing
anything Thursday, uh...Copy !req
131. Well, we're having
this groundbreaking ceremonyCopy !req
132. for this house I'm building for charity.Copy !req
133. Charity? Only Charity I care about
dances in a G-string.Copy !req
134. And I'm spending the day with her.Copy !req
135. It's just, you know,
you spent my birthday with her.Copy !req
136. I thought, maybe, but, well, okay.Copy !req
137. Okay, I'll go.Copy !req
138. You win.Copy !req
139. If I wanted to see a big baby cry,Copy !req
140. I'd go home to my baby.Copy !req
141. Crybaby.Copy !req
142. Okay, I've put together a scheduleCopy !req
143. which gives us four days
to finish this house.Copy !req
144. The frame's a prefab,
so we could build it in two,Copy !req
145. but let's take four and really enjoy it.Copy !req
146. Since we're starting from scratch,Copy !req
147. why don't we make it a dream house,Copy !req
148. and put the toilet in the living room?Copy !req
149. Oh, Cotton, I am so glad you're here.Copy !req
150. If Hank asks me one more time,
"Where's Cotton?Copy !req
151. Where's Cotton? Where's Cotton?"Copy !req
152. Well, here's Cotton!Copy !req
153. Brought my bayonet.Copy !req
154. Figured if it was good enough
to kill 50 men,Copy !req
155. it's good enough to slice some drywall.Copy !req
156. Well, gosh, Dad.Copy !req
157. I know you were saving that
for when they unfroze Hitler.Copy !req
158. - Yeah, well, I...Copy !req
159. Hey, Buck!
I saved the best nail pouch for you.Copy !req
160. So, this is going to be Arlen Pines.Copy !req
161. Didn't recognize the place
without all the tombstones.Copy !req
162. Hey, hey, hey, them people
are stealing your tools!Copy !req
163. Oh, that's Alla and Gniewko Lubecki.Copy !req
164. You're building this house for them.Copy !req
165. I know they'd love to meet you.Copy !req
166. Eh.Copy !req
167. And don't worry, sir.Copy !req
168. You'll be back behind the wheelCopy !req
169. as soon as I finish
repaying your debt to society.Copy !req
170. Thanks, Hank. You really pulled my eggs
out of the frying pan.Copy !req
171. All right, listen, people.Copy !req
172. I got an announcement to make.Copy !req
173. I'm not one to give credit
where credit is due,Copy !req
174. but doggone it,
this time I just can't help myself.Copy !req
175. Hank Hill has been my assistant manager
for 20 years.Copy !req
176. In all that time, I've had two wives,Copy !req
177. dozens of mistresses, five heart valves,Copy !req
178. three plastic, two pig,Copy !req
179. but I only needed one Hank.Copy !req
180. Merry Christmas, Hank.Copy !req
181. I'm promoting you to manager!Copy !req
182. Oh.Copy !req
183. - Oh...Copy !req
184. Manager?Copy !req
185. Oh! Mr. Strickland, I...Copy !req
186. I...Copy !req
187. I love you.Copy !req
188. Oh.Copy !req
189. Why did Dad have to act
like a woman in front of Grandpa?Copy !req
190. Grandpa hates women.Copy !req
191. Your father is going out of his way
to ruin his Christmas present,Copy !req
192. so we will have to go
out of our way to save it.Copy !req
193. We will make a photo calendar,Copy !req
194. each and every monthCopy !req
195. a reminder of their special
father-son bond.Copy !req
196. Not happy.Copy !req
197. Not happy.Copy !req
198. I can't even find one picture
where they're both happy.Copy !req
199. Wait.Copy !req
200. If you splice Grandpa's head over yoursCopy !req
201. in the wedding photo,Copy !req
202. it'll look like Dad and Grandpa
are shaking hands.Copy !req
203. And we'll put it on a mug.Copy !req
204. Hey, Hank! We started without you.Copy !req
205. Hank and Buck.Copy !req
206. Now you've gone too far.Copy !req
207. Cement is permanent.Copy !req
208. As permanent as your love?Copy !req
209. Shut up, Dale!Copy !req
210. Is okay?Copy !req
211. No, is not okay, Gniewko.Copy !req
212. My boss demoted me.Copy !req
213. I was a manager for ten seconds,Copy !req
214. and all I managed to do
was blurt my guts outCopy !req
215. like a mental patient.Copy !req
216. I don't know where this stuff comes from.Copy !req
217. Something must be wrong with me.Copy !req
218. Ah, Gniewko see.Copy !req
219. Bad to say those things,
one man to other man.Copy !req
220. But still, you much to be lucky for.Copy !req
221. Texas, USA, police no break down doorsCopy !req
222. say, "Come to Army now. Now you shot."Copy !req
223. Here, kids walk to school, is good school.Copy !req
224. God bless you builders of house
and driveway.Copy !req
225. God bless America!Copy !req
226. Shi-sha!Copy !req
227. Harley Davidson.Copy !req
228. I think so, too, Gniewko.Copy !req
229. Who would like a hot cup of love?Copy !req
230. Peggy, telephone.Copy !req
231. I got it.Copy !req
232. Hello?Copy !req
233. Well, hello, Mrs. Strickland.Copy !req
234. Hi, Dad.Copy !req
235. I'm just calling to say
you ain't welcome to Christmas dinner.Copy !req
236. A good day.Copy !req
237. My dad uninvited me for Christmas.Copy !req
238. Oh, Hank.
Honey, why don't you call him backCopy !req
239. and tell him how that makes you feel?Copy !req
240. Absolutely not.Copy !req
241. You saw what happened when I...Copy !req
242. Uh, emoted all over Buck.Copy !req
243. No, no, it will be okay.Copy !req
244. We'll just have Christmas dinner
with the GniewkosCopy !req
245. over at their new house.Copy !req
246. Yep. It'll be a great new tradition.Copy !req
247. Christmas with the Gniewkos.Copy !req
248. Dee dee, we are the wives
of stubborn, stubborn men.Copy !req
249. They are lucky to have us, aren't they?Copy !req
250. What do you want, Peggy?Copy !req
251. I want Cotton to re-invite Hank
to Christmas dinner.Copy !req
252. Oh, Cotton will not do that
because Hank is too cruel.Copy !req
253. No, Dee dee, Cotton is the cruel one.Copy !req
254. Hank is the one who sells propane.Copy !req
255. But Hank is cruel. He said he loved Buck.Copy !req
256. He should say he loves Cotton.Copy !req
257. And that's not just what I think.Copy !req
258. It's what Cotton told me to think.Copy !req
259. Cotton is jealous?Copy !req
260. But... but that is a human emotion.Copy !req
261. That little four-foot mush ball.Copy !req
262. I'm not sure if it's the guestCopy !req
263. or the man of the house that says grace.Copy !req
264. Uh, but I got the English,Copy !req
265. so I'll take the wheel.Copy !req
266. - Huh?
- Dad?Copy !req
267. Looking for this?Copy !req
268. Well, you told me you left G.H.
sleeping in a bag of hammers.Copy !req
269. How could you trick me like that?Copy !req
270. You ain't bright.Copy !req
271. Peggy told me how.Copy !req
272. Why did you invite my dad here?Copy !req
273. You are ruining our new holiday tradition,Copy !req
274. Christmas with the Gniewkos.Copy !req
275. Cotton, how would you like to stay hereCopy !req
276. and join us for Christmas dinner?Copy !req
277. Well, something smells good.Copy !req
278. Could be turkey.Copy !req
279. Probably fresh particle board.Copy !req
280. Well, that is a beautiful story, Colonel,Copy !req
281. but not as beautiful as this house.Copy !req
282. Don't you think
this house is beautiful, Cotton?Copy !req
283. It's okay. I like the job
you did on the drywall.Copy !req
284. Well, thanks, Dad.Copy !req
285. I took a risk and went
with the National GypsumCopy !req
286. instead of the Georgia Pacific.Copy !req
287. I hope Buck doesn't mind.Copy !req
288. Buck?Copy !req
289. Buck! Buck! Buck! Buck!Copy !req
290. 'Course he's gonna mind.Copy !req
291. Look at this rat box.Copy !req
292. It ain't got no doorstop!Copy !req
293. Someone opens the door too hard...Copy !req
294. Hole in the wall!Copy !req
295. Dad, stop! It's not finished yet.Copy !req
296. I don't see no chair rail.Copy !req
297. You know what that means.Copy !req
298. Man stands up from his chair too fast...Copy !req
299. - Oh, come on, Hank.Copy !req
300. Tell your father what you told your bossCopy !req
301. and what you tell
your stupid dog every day.Copy !req
302. Give that miserable old manCopy !req
303. the gift of love for Christmas.Copy !req
304. This hanging lamp don't look like
it can hold a man's weight.Copy !req
305. Grandpa, be careful!Copy !req
306. Come on, please, Dad, stop!Copy !req
307. If you want him to stop,Copy !req
308. just tell him how you feel.Copy !req
309. That window looks awful flimsy.Copy !req
310. Dad, I...Copy !req
311. You can do it, Hank!Copy !req
312. Dad...Copy !req
313. I hate you!Copy !req
314. Oh.Copy !req
315. Is okay?Copy !req
316. You hate me, do you?Copy !req
317. After all the love I allowed
your mother to give you!Copy !req
318. Well, Merry Christmas and stay out!Copy !req
319. And tell Santa Claus to hurry.Copy !req
320. This place ain't gonna have
a chimney for long.Copy !req
321. Hank, you don't really hate your father.Copy !req
322. These are just bigger emotions than...Copy !req
323. than you're used to expressing.Copy !req
324. You got confused.Copy !req
325. Why don't you go inside and apologize?Copy !req
326. I also left my purse in there.Copy !req
327. I am not apologizing.Copy !req
328. I meant what I said.Copy !req
329. You can't really hate your dad.Copy !req
330. He's your dad.Copy !req
331. Yeah, well, there's nothing anywhereCopy !req
332. that says a father and son
have to like each otherCopy !req
333. Let alone love each other.Copy !req
334. You can just leave
the wantons out there.Copy !req
335. Xie xie ni. Duo shao qian?Copy !req
336. Oh, you're not from the noodle house.Copy !req
337. No, but I wish I was.Copy !req
338. Chinese people don't have Christmas.Copy !req
339. What's wrong, little boy?Copy !req
340. My dad and my grandpa are fighting.Copy !req
341. Even if I get the Benny Hill tapes
I asked for,Copy !req
342. it'd still be the worst Christmas ever.Copy !req
343. Land sakes!Copy !req
344. A family fighting at Christmas?Copy !req
345. That's not right.Copy !req
346. Why don't I try talking to them?Copy !req
347. No offense, sir,Copy !req
348. but you couldn't even talk your way out
of working on Christmas Eve.Copy !req
349. I may just be a carpenter,Copy !req
350. but I'm often called upon
to resolve disputes.Copy !req
351. "He took my drill."Copy !req
352. "That guy swiped my chalk," and so on.Copy !req
353. Well, you do have a very soothing accent.Copy !req
354. We'll take my car.Copy !req
355. Wow! You must be some carpenter.Copy !req
356. Bobby?Copy !req
357. I think we might be ableCopy !req
358. to get Dad his present after all.Copy !req
359. Thanks to this nice old guy!Copy !req
360. I'm going to get back in the limo.Copy !req
361. I got Joseph on hold.Copy !req
362. Oh, my God! Jimmy Carter.Copy !req
363. I am Bobby's mother, Peggy Hill.Copy !req
364. I teach a short unit on your presidency.Copy !req
365. Well, teaching is one
of our most noble professions.Copy !req
366. Well, thank you for your honesty.Copy !req
367. They could not take that away from you.Copy !req
368. You must be Hank.Copy !req
369. You ran our country.Copy !req
370. America.Copy !req
371. Hank, I understand
you told your father you hate him.Copy !req
372. Hate's a strong word, Mr. President.Copy !req
373. That's why I used it.Copy !req
374. Yep, hate my dad.Copy !req
375. You may say you hate your daddy,Copy !req
376. but I seem to recall
the Egyptians once saidCopy !req
377. they would never accept
Israel's right to exist.Copy !req
378. Now... I think we all know
how that turned out.Copy !req
379. Now, why don't we go inside
and talk things over?Copy !req
380. I'm not going in there.Copy !req
381. I hate the man.Copy !req
382. Huh, feels good every time I say it.Copy !req
383. Mr. Hill?Copy !req
384. Jimmy Carter?Copy !req
385. Yes, this is Jimmy.Copy !req
386. Now, how about I come insideCopy !req
387. and visit with you about
what your son said?Copy !req
388. I'd love to meet a war hero face-to-face.Copy !req
389. - Uh-uh-uh.
- Assume the position, Mr. President!Copy !req
390. There... Well, there...Copy !req
391. There's no need for that.Copy !req
392. I've been nominated
for a Nobel Peace Prize.Copy !req
393. Huh?Copy !req
394. Hmm...Copy !req
395. Look, the Secret Service
didn't want me to come in here at all.Copy !req
396. Thi... This was a compromise.Copy !req
397. I'd done the same if I was in your shoes.Copy !req
398. Same idea, bigger gun.Copy !req
399. Good. That's something we can agree on.Copy !req
400. Let's build on that.Copy !req
401. Why do you think your son
said he hates you?Copy !req
402. He's a hateful crybaby.Copy !req
403. He was crying the second
he popped his head out of his mama.Copy !req
404. Like I told your father,Copy !req
405. in these highly charged situations,Copy !req
406. I find it's helpful
to say something positiveCopy !req
407. about the other side.Copy !req
408. Sadat, for example,
thought Begin had excellent posture.Copy !req
409. Yeah?Copy !req
410. Well, what did my dad say about me?Copy !req
411. Why... Why don't you go first?Copy !req
412. Come on.Copy !req
413. Deep down, just between you and me,Copy !req
414. I won't tell anyone.Copy !req
415. You don't really hate your son?Copy !req
416. - Yes, I do.
- But you don't...Copy !req
417. - Head to toe.
- No, really...Copy !req
418. - And his wife.
- Look.Copy !req
419. He was a baby once.Copy !req
420. Everyone hated that baby.Copy !req
421. Hated a baby?Copy !req
422. Okay, how about this,Copy !req
423. say, there was a magic button
you could pushCopy !req
424. that would make Hank disappear forever.Copy !req
425. Everything else in the world
would stay the same,Copy !req
426. but Hank, your son,
would never have existed.Copy !req
427. Now, I'm serious here, mister,Copy !req
428. would you push that button?Copy !req
429. I ain't gots to answer no
hypothetical situation!Copy !req
430. Would you push that button?Copy !req
431. Not yes.Copy !req
432. My father said he wouldn't obliterate me?Copy !req
433. His words?Copy !req
434. Now, do you recognize his right to exist?Copy !req
435. Wonderful.Copy !req
436. You both seem to prefer a universeCopy !req
437. in which the other party
hasn't magically disappeared.Copy !req
438. I think we have a framework for peace.Copy !req
439. Now, how do you feel about going outside?Copy !req
440. Oh, I still got some nails left.Copy !req
441. If you come outside,Copy !req
442. I'll let you shoot at my bulletproof limo.Copy !req
443. Hank, Cotton, I see a new era of trustCopy !req
444. and understanding between you.Copy !req
445. Not so fast, chompers.Copy !req
446. We had a deal.Copy !req
447. I gets to shoot me
a bulletproof motorcade.Copy !req
448. I... I think you got
more important things to do right nowCopy !req
449. than shoot up my car.Copy !req
450. No, I don't.Copy !req
451. Look, you're not shooting up my car.Copy !req
452. Hold on. Now, Dad,Copy !req
453. did he really tell you
you could shoot up his car?Copy !req
454. With my nail gun.Copy !req
455. Is this true, sir?Copy !req
456. Well... Well, I think
I may have put it on the table, but...Copy !req
457. But it seems to me
the important thing is...Copy !req
458. Sorry, you gave your word.Copy !req
459. Oops.Copy !req
460. They told me it was bulletproof.Copy !req
461. Let's get the heck out of here!Copy !req
462. That nail gun's pretty accurate for...Copy !req
463. What's it running at, 175 PSI?Copy !req
464. Oh, 180.Copy !req
465. Sounds about right.Copy !req
466. Boy, I love shooting a nail gun.Copy !req
467. I love shooting a nail gun, too.Copy !req
468. That was amazing.Copy !req
469. Dad and Grandpa don't hate each other,Copy !req
470. the Lubeckis got most of their house backCopy !req
471. all because Jesus showed up.Copy !req
472. Bobby, what are you talking about?Copy !req
473. That guy! A carpenter, worked a miracle,Copy !req
474. his name was JC, rode in a limo...Copy !req
475. Him?Copy !req
476. You thought that was...Copy !req
477. Well, he's nobody
but a one-termin' peanut farmer.Copy !req
478. The man wore a sweater.Copy !req
479. Henpecked by the OPEC.Copy !req
480. And, Bobby, that is how I saved Christmas.Copy !req
481. Thank you.Copy !req