1. Mmm.Copy !req
2. Hey, kid,Copy !req
3. you want to hang out in the alley
until my friends get up?Copy !req
4. I'm working.Copy !req
5. Mmm.Copy !req
6. Mmm.Copy !req
7. Hank, Peggy, Bobby, I just met a woman!Copy !req
8. Dale, Nancy, Joseph!
I just met the womanCopy !req
9. - who will bear my children!Copy !req
10. Is this a good school district?Copy !req
11. Boomhauer!Copy !req
12. There's a dead wolf on your lawn.Copy !req
13. I'm lying. I met a woman!Copy !req
14. Whoa, whoa, yo, man.Copy !req
15. Still here?Copy !req
16. I thought I'd make you breakfast.Copy !req
17. But I got an ol' hang-glidin' lesson, man.Copy !req
18. I'm gonna go teach
this little ol' blind kid.Copy !req
19. Talkin' about ol' Special Olympics.Copy !req
20. Ahh.Copy !req
21. Mom, Dad!Copy !req
22. The ice cream lady is here!Copy !req
23. I need a buck fifty, quick!Copy !req
24. Uh, Bobby, I don't think
the Mrs. Dippy Cone Lady is on duty.Copy !req
25. Her and Mr. Boomhauer are, um, dating.Copy !req
26. Even better.Copy !req
27. She'll be here all the time.Copy !req
28. I can get to know her on a personal level.Copy !req
29. Maybe she'll let me do a ride-along!Copy !req
30. Oh, why can't Boomhauer
date someone smart for once?Copy !req
31. Like a Congresswoman,
so I could get my law passed.Copy !req
32. And then she nodded like this.Copy !req
33. And then she smiled like this.Copy !req
34. And then she jogged like this.Copy !req
35. It was magic.Copy !req
36. Man, give it a goddang ol' rest, man.Copy !req
37. Talkin' about it just goin' on and on.Copy !req
38. Just yack, yack, yack,
blah, blah, blah, jogger.Copy !req
39. Man, you know, just hush.Copy !req
40. Exactly.Copy !req
41. Why should we have to listen
to Bill blather onCopy !req
42. about some nonexistent she-jogger
that doesn't even exist?Copy !req
43. What's that supposed to mean?Copy !req
44. Well, let's face it.Copy !req
45. We've been down
the imaginary friend road before.Copy !req
46. There were those guys
you claimed you played soccer with,Copy !req
47. Larry and Wayne.Copy !req
48. You know, Larry and Wayne
may have been imaginaryCopy !req
49. but they were a lot more supportive
than you.Copy !req
50. You didn't hear what they were saying
behind your back.Copy !req
51. Peggy, could I borrow a coffee cup?Copy !req
52. I need a second mug
'cause I got a lady friend now.Copy !req
53. Oh, a lady friend.Copy !req
54. Bill, that is so wonderful.Copy !req
55. Oh, no, wait. This one's dirty.Copy !req
56. - Give it to me!Copy !req
57. Guess who had coffee
with his special lady this morning?Copy !req
58. The coffee stains on your shirt
are a nice touch, Bill,Copy !req
59. but we're still not buying.Copy !req
60. I knew you guys wouldn't believe me.Copy !req
61. Which is why I taped her.Copy !req
62. I brought coffee for the two of us.Copy !req
63. No, thanks.Copy !req
64. If you're worried the caffeine
will make you need to move your bowels,Copy !req
65. I live right across the street.Copy !req
66. That's very sweetCopy !req
67. but I've got to keep up the pace.Copy !req
68. See ya!Copy !req
69. Remember when you fell in loveCopy !req
70. with that speed skater
on the Wheaties box?Copy !req
71. Turns out she was real, too,Copy !req
72. but that didn't make her your girlfriend.Copy !req
73. Look, in a perfect world,Copy !req
74. we could both be married to Peggy,Copy !req
75. but this is reality
and I have to find someone here.Copy !req
76. All right, all right, I'll do it!Copy !req
77. Bill, I'm going to help you win her over.Copy !req
78. Here's a surefire way
to sweep her off her feet.Copy !req
79. - You will tend to her wounds.
- What wounds?Copy !req
80. The ones she got from falling in the hole.Copy !req
81. What hole?Copy !req
82. The hole you dug in the alley.Copy !req
83. But I didn't dig a hole in the alley.Copy !req
84. Not yet.Copy !req
85. Oh.Copy !req
86. - Huh?Copy !req
87. Look, we will dig a minefield
of some 20-odd holes,Copy !req
88. she'll fall, twist her ankleCopy !req
89. and you will come to her rescue
with the first-aid kit of love.Copy !req
90. Bill, you've got enough problems
without this lady suing you.Copy !req
91. Man, a hole's dang ol' cheatin', man.Copy !req
92. What you need is, like,
them good ol' rap, man.Copy !req
93. Talk about something like this,Copy !req
94. Yo, how you doing, baby?
Know what I'm talking about?Copy !req
95. It takes two, you know to make it
out of sight, you know, man.Copy !req
96. Oh, man, that dang ol' ball and chain.Copy !req
97. Man, cover for me, Hank.Copy !req
98. Tell her, like,
I moved to Denver, or something.Copy !req
99. Uh, I'm not really much of a liar.Copy !req
100. Hey, do you know if Boomhauer's back
from his safari yet?Copy !req
101. Uh, I don't know
what you're talking about.Copy !req
102. Uh, he's, uh... you see...Copy !req
103. He moved to Denver.Copy !req
104. There, Hank, is that so hard?Copy !req
105. Wait! Wait!Copy !req
106. Come back!Copy !req
107. She's not coming back, honey.Copy !req
108. Of course she is.Copy !req
109. She's Mr. Boomhauer's girlfriend.Copy !req
110. Let's see, how can I explain this?Copy !req
111. You know how you can be happy
eating vanilla ice creamCopy !req
112. day after day after day?Copy !req
113. Well, Mr. Boomhauer isn't just like that.Copy !req
114. See, he likes to try different flavors.Copy !req
115. But he can have a new flavor every day.Copy !req
116. He's dating the ice cream lady.Copy !req
117. Mr. Boomhauer had grown-up sexCopy !req
118. with the ice cream lady,
and now he's dumped her.Copy !req
119. You're never going to have
ice cream again, Bobby.Copy !req
120. This will be great.Copy !req
121. Nancy and I have been dying
for another couple to hang out with.Copy !req
122. What about Hank and Peggy?Copy !req
123. Between you and me,Copy !req
124. I've run out of things
to say to that woman.Copy !req
125. I'll help you, ma'am.Copy !req
126. I'm down.Copy !req
127. My name is...Copy !req
128. Just tell me where it...Copy !req
129. Ow! Ow, ow, ow.Copy !req
130. Ow! Damn it.Copy !req
131. Here we go.Copy !req
132. Just gonna be a minute
to get you inside, man.Copy !req
133. Now, go ahead,
and you just keep them ankles elevated.Copy !req
134. I'm gonna help you out, now.Copy !req
135. Please come back!Copy !req
136. No! Wait!Copy !req
137. Well, I see she's a bit of a hell cat.Copy !req
138. Scratched you up good.Copy !req
139. After all I did for her,
all these holes I dug,Copy !req
140. he just comes in here with his
dang ol' this and his dang ol' thatCopy !req
141. - and he steals her away from me!
- Hank?Copy !req
142. No. Boomhauer.Copy !req
143. All he's going to do is give her
one night of marathon love making.Copy !req
144. I would have given her
the same amount of loveCopy !req
145. - but stretched out over a lifetime.Copy !req
146. I usually run five miles every morning
but I think that counts.Copy !req
147. Hey, yo, man, just put it on
my dang ol' account, man.Copy !req
148. How could you, Boomhauer?Copy !req
149. I love her!Copy !req
150. But to you,
she's just another notch in your belt.Copy !req
151. Yeah, I tell you what, man.
You dug your own graveCopy !req
152. when you dug them dang ol' potholes, man.Copy !req
153. Uh, fellas, Bobby's trying to nap.Copy !req
154. This stupid jerk stole my woman!Copy !req
155. I have never done that to you.Copy !req
156. Dang it, Boomhauer,
now we'll never hear the end of this.Copy !req
157. No, you will not hear the end of this.Copy !req
158. Hey, Boomhauer,
here comes that lady jogger.Copy !req
159. Oh, man, dang ol' Denver, man.Copy !req
160. A Jaguar. Woo.Copy !req
161. Man, you talking about
a dang ol' sweet ride, man.Copy !req
162. Got a fully synchronized
four-speed with cast housingCopy !req
163. and dang ol' Laycock
diaphragm-clutch, man.Copy !req
164. I'm Bill Dauterive.Copy !req
165. I'd be honored if I could have
some of your hair for my collection.Copy !req
166. What are you doing?Copy !req
167. I am flirting.Copy !req
168. I didn't know you liked classic cars.Copy !req
169. Then again,
the only thing I do know about youCopy !req
170. is where you're ticklish.Copy !req
171. Tell you what, man, how 'bout going back
my place, let's go make me laugh.Copy !req
172. Go, Boomhauer!Copy !req
173. Sorry, Bill, but I got to back a winner.Copy !req
174. Please don't put on Dido.Copy !req
175. Please don't put on Dido.Copy !req
176. And then I said, "I know you, you're
the weatherman from Channel 7, right?"Copy !req
177. And then he says. "No, I'm not."Copy !req
178. And then I said,
"What are you talking about?Copy !req
179. Of course it's you. You are that guy."Copy !req
180. And he said, "No, I am not."
And you know what?Copy !req
181. It wasn't.Copy !req
182. Hank, why aren't you in the alley?
Is it raining?Copy !req
183. Oh, speaking of rain,Copy !req
184. I ran into this guy today...Copy !req
185. I can't listen to this story again!Copy !req
186. I got to walk eight blocks
to Carter's Market nowCopy !req
187. and get my ice cream.Copy !req
188. Why am I in the middle of this?Copy !req
189. Oh, I bet Bobby wishesCopy !req
190. Boomhauer dumped the asparagus lady.Copy !req
191. Uh, there's not really
a... asparagus lady, Peggy.Copy !req
192. It's, uh, funny.Copy !req
193. Oh. Oh, okay.Copy !req
194. So you think Boomhauer's
promiscuity is amusing.Copy !req
195. Ah, not really.Copy !req
196. Not really?Copy !req
197. So what, then?Copy !req
198. Do his stories entertain you?Copy !req
199. Does hearing about
his bedroom antics excite you?Copy !req
200. Is that how you get your freak on?Copy !req
201. My what?Copy !req
202. No, no.Copy !req
203. I... I...Copy !req
204. I love you.Copy !req
205. I'll leave you alone
with your dirty thoughts.Copy !req
206. Yeah, you know, dang I turned 18, man,Copy !req
207. my little ol' mama saying, you know,Copy !req
208. "Get and go in electrical engineering,Copy !req
209. Boomhauer dang ol' make me proud,"
you know. I just don't do it, man.Copy !req
210. Thank goodness.Copy !req
211. Engineers are way too uptight.Copy !req
212. Want to do some shots?Copy !req
213. Whew.Copy !req
214. Dang ol'... dang.Copy !req
215. There's O.J. in the fridge.Copy !req
216. Make yourself a little something to eat.
Take a swim.Copy !req
217. Just do me a favor and press "activate"
to set the alarm on your way out.Copy !req
218. Okay?Copy !req
219. Bye.Copy !req
220. Dang ol'... Aw.Copy !req
221. Yo, Hank. Hank, man, hey, man.
Talking about it's me, man.Copy !req
222. Dang ol' Boomhauer, man.Copy !req
223. Huh. I just turned on the backyard grill
from the swimming pool.Copy !req
224. And Peggy said man would never
be able to do that.Copy !req
225. Whoo!Copy !req
226. Boomhauer this is the coolest fling
you've ever had.Copy !req
227. Oh, yeah, man.
That dang ol' cool fling, man.Copy !req
228. I was using the master bathroomCopy !req
229. which, by the way,
I should have been master of,Copy !req
230. and I found this.Copy !req
231. Hey, man.
Put-put them little ol' things back.Copy !req
232. For a rich woman, she buys
pretty flimsy underwear.Copy !req
233. Where's her ass supposed to go?Copy !req
234. - Hey, God dang, man. You put...Copy !req
235. Ooh!Copy !req
236. This is a digital watch.Copy !req
237. I could have been electrocuted.Copy !req
238. I'm never talking to you again.Copy !req
239. Yeah, I tell you what, man. I tell you
you can just... Good riddance, man.Copy !req
240. You're not normally so touchy
about your girlfriends' unmentionables.Copy !req
241. You getting serious with this gal?Copy !req
242. Oh, man, what are you...Copy !req
243. What are you guys doing here?Copy !req
244. Oh, man. I'm sorry, baby.Copy !req
245. I just... hot day, you know?Copy !req
246. I thought maybe I'd invite
a couple of friends over, man.Copy !req
247. It's my bad. Yeah, I'm-I'm sorry, man.Copy !req
248. I'm not leaving without my urine.Copy !req
249. I left it sitting in the toilet.Copy !req
250. Oh, thank you, baby. Mmm.Copy !req
251. Why don't you go ahead
and go make-make yourself one, too?Copy !req
252. Uh, I'm sorry. Did you forget something?Copy !req
253. Oh.Copy !req
254. Oh, man, I'm sorry.
You need to go ahead...Copy !req
255. Go ahead and unwind, man.
You got my digits.Copy !req
256. You just go ahead, and you call me.Copy !req
257. I saw this news promo last nightCopy !req
258. that said something's going on
in restaurant kitchensCopy !req
259. that might really surprise us.Copy !req
260. But then I fell asleep.Copy !req
261. Boomhauer, you stay up late.Copy !req
262. Are rude customers really
"getting more than they bargained for"?Copy !req
263. Ring, man. Come on, baby.
Please, man. Oh...Copy !req
264. Now, talking about,
it's been nearly been two days, man.Copy !req
265. I don't feel like...
a dang ol' lifetime, man.Copy !req
266. I remember when I fell in love with Peggy.Copy !req
267. I'll never forget that first handshake.Copy !req
268. I wanted it to last forever.Copy !req
269. Love, man? That-that...Copy !req
270. This is, man, talking about
ol' pit in my stomach, man.Copy !req
271. I don't know if I'm coming or going
or getting out of my mind, man.Copy !req
272. Love? Me?Copy !req
273. Hey, dang ol' Mee-maw.Copy !req
274. Ah, dang ol'...Copy !req
275. What, Mee-maw? I didn't...Copy !req
276. Ah, dang ol'...Copy !req
277. I haven't seen you in so long.Copy !req
278. Now, Mee-maw, family matriarch and, well,Copy !req
279. I'm 'bout time I'm gon' ask
for dang ol' ring.Copy !req
280. Oh, Boomhauer!Copy !req
281. You talkin' 'bout gon' be buried
with the dang ol' thing onCopy !req
282. you little ol' whelp!Copy !req
283. All right, all right...Copy !req
284. it's a pizza, not a kidney.Copy !req
285. Boomhauser?Copy !req
286. Marlene, I dang ol' I can't stand
being apart from you,Copy !req
287. no not one moment longer, man.Copy !req
288. Talkin' 'bout just like this ringCopy !req
289. it ain't got no beginning
and no, no end, man.Copy !req
290. Okay, I'm going to be honest with you.Copy !req
291. I only understand about half
of what you say.Copy !req
292. The other times, I just nod and smileCopy !req
293. and wait for your pants to come off.Copy !req
294. What I'm talkin' 'bout, M-MarleneCopy !req
295. is dang ol', I want you to marry me.Copy !req
296. Whoa. I understood that.Copy !req
297. I see the pizza guy
but I don't see the pizza.Copy !req
298. Steven.Copy !req
299. Mm-hmm. That's cool, baby.Copy !req
300. Plenty of dang ol' fish in the sea, man.Copy !req
301. God dang ol'...Copy !req
302. Yup.Copy !req
303. Yep.Copy !req
304. Yup.Copy !req
305. Oh, dang ol' Marlene, man.Copy !req
306. Come on, baby, talkin' 'bout them
ol' times, man.Copy !req
307. Barbecue sauce.Copy !req
308. Yup, I know that sound.Copy !req
309. She's got you on the office speakerphone.Copy !req
310. You're a loser!Copy !req
311. Come on, Boomhauer.Copy !req
312. You're still the same old tomcat
you always were.Copy !req
313. Hey, tell us that story about the girl
from the Radio Shack.Copy !req
314. You know... "I was buying batteries..."Copy !req
315. Yeah, yeah, okay.Copy !req
316. Well, uh, you know,
my dang ol' Norelco diedCopy !req
317. and I went out to get me some
of them old triple "A's," you know?Copy !req
318. So, I, I...Copy !req
319. - Marlene!
- Aww, Boo-hoo-hoo-hauer.Copy !req
320. I bet now you wish
you'd only slept with 100 ladiesCopy !req
321. instead of 101.Copy !req
322. Now you know how they all feltCopy !req
323. except for that one that did it to you!Copy !req
324. Bill is picking on Boomhauer?Copy !req
325. He hasn't done that since he had hair.Copy !req
326. We got to do something.Copy !req
327. The alley was balanced before,Copy !req
328. a cool single guy, and a cool married guy,Copy !req
329. a loser single guy,
and a loser married guy.Copy !req
330. Now it's me and three losers!Copy !req
331. Dale, go sign out with Nancy.Copy !req
332. We're going tomcatting
and I'm going to need a wingman.Copy !req
333. Got you.Copy !req
334. Wait. If you think for one second
that I am going to stand byCopy !req
335. while you go on a floozy hunt
for Boomhauer, why...Copy !req
336. Peggy, do you want
another Bill on your hands?Copy !req
337. Take my car... it's a chick magnet.Copy !req
338. Boomhauer, where do the girls hang out?Copy !req
339. Nursing school, magic store?Copy !req
340. Hey, there's a woman!Copy !req
341. All right.Copy !req
342. Do that thing where you compliment them
and they come home with you.Copy !req
343. Yeah, yeah, yeah.Copy !req
344. I once told Peggy her hair looked nice.Copy !req
345. She still mentions it.Copy !req
346. She's hugging him. Look at him go, Hank.Copy !req
347. Don't look at me, look at them.Copy !req
348. He's bringing her back.Copy !req
349. Pretend you're asleep
so they can make out.Copy !req
350. You guys should get
this poor fella back to bedCopy !req
351. after what that cold-blooded witch did.Copy !req
352. Oh... turning down his grandma's ring.Copy !req
353. Oh, man...Copy !req
354. Ah... there, there.Copy !req
355. Amateurs!Copy !req
356. Thank God, we're married.Copy !req
357. Yeah, it's rough out there.Copy !req
358. I know how dark it is for you right nowCopy !req
359. curled up,
lying in your own emotional vomit.Copy !req
360. You're in hell now, BoomhauerCopy !req
361. and the only way out
is through a long, dark tunnel.Copy !req
362. And you're afraid to go inCopy !req
363. because there's a train coming at youCopy !req
364. carrying a boxcar full of heartbreak.Copy !req
365. Well, let me tell you something,Copy !req
366. all you can do is let it hit youCopy !req
367. and then try to find your legs.Copy !req
368. Mm-hmm. I know.Copy !req
369. I've taken that hit more times
than I can remember.Copy !req
370. Look at me, Boomhauer.Copy !req
371. I'm fat, and I'm oldCopy !req
372. and every day I'm just going
to wake up fatter and older.Copy !req
373. But somehow I manage to drag this fat,
old, bald bastardCopy !req
374. out into the alley every day.Copy !req
375. I'm out there digging holes,
falling into themCopy !req
376. climbing out, trying againCopy !req
377. and tomorrow, I'm going to hang outside
at a ladies' prison.Copy !req
378. And the first thing those lady cons
are going to see after 20 years...Copy !req
379. is me.Copy !req
380. Will I get one? Experience says no.Copy !req
381. Will I be out there next month?Copy !req
382. If I'm alive, you better believe it.Copy !req
383. You got to get right back up
on that tanning bedCopy !req
384. slip into a tight T-shirtCopy !req
385. wash off some of that cologneCopy !req
386. and get yourself out of that tunnelCopy !req
387. and into some strange woman's bed!Copy !req
388. - Hell, yeah, man.
- Yeah!Copy !req
389. - Dang right, man.
- That's what I'm talking about!Copy !req
390. - Yeah, yeah, whoo!
- Get out there, boy!Copy !req
391. - Yeah, yeah, yeah.Copy !req
392. He's going to make
some lucky lady very happy.Copy !req
393. Then very, very sad.Copy !req
394. What you got, Boomhauer...Copy !req
395. a hot date with that attractive
garbage lady?Copy !req
396. No, man, I ain't got readyCopy !req
397. to go back on my dang ol' horse
just yet, man.Copy !req
398. I got a little-little ol' business
I need to do first, man.Copy !req
399. Boomhauer.Copy !req
400. I thought I'd never see you again.Copy !req
401. Yeah. Uh, listen, man,
I'm talkin' 'bout, uh...Copy !req
402. you know, I-I done, uh, went off
and walked a mile in your shoes, man.Copy !req
403. I felt that ol', ol' big hurtCopy !req
404. you know,
and I-I just want to tell you, manCopy !req
405. uh, gon' tell you, uh,
well, I'm, I'm sorry.Copy !req
406. And h-how about we don't just be dang ol',
you know, friends, man?Copy !req
407. Welcome back to society.Copy !req
408. May I offer you a ride home?Copy !req
409. I'm driving.Copy !req
410. So, what were you in for?Copy !req
411. Killed my boyfriend.Copy !req
412. Does that mean you're single?Copy !req
413. Pretend you're asleep
so they can make out.Copy !req