1. I heard a funny joke the other day.Copy !req
2. It seems a doctor, a lawyer,Copy !req
3. and a gentleman from Oklahoma...Copy !req
4. I told you that joke.Copy !req
5. I want to tell it.Copy !req
6. You'll just ruin it. Let Hank tell it.Copy !req
7. It's my joke, I'm going to tell it!Copy !req
8. There was this doctor, and... and then...Copy !req
9. That was pretty funny.Copy !req
10. Tell it again.Copy !req
11. I'm okay.Copy !req
12. I'm okay.Copy !req
13. Whoa. What the heck kind of ball is this?Copy !req
14. Sorry. I'm trying out
for the lacrosse team.Copy !req
15. My son the jock.Copy !req
16. With me and your mother as parents,Copy !req
17. I don't know how you got so athletic.Copy !req
18. Hey, John Redcorn!Copy !req
19. Well, okay, son.Copy !req
20. Just be more careful where you're aiming.Copy !req
21. If Bill wasn't standing there,
you would have hit Hank's truck.Copy !req
22. I just want to thank you all againCopy !req
23. for having me over tonight.Copy !req
24. Bill, any time you have a mild concussion,Copy !req
25. you are welcome at this dinner table.Copy !req
26. Ma, would you pass the taters, please?Copy !req
27. What did I tell you
about funny voices at the dinner table?Copy !req
28. Hank, he is in character.Copy !req
29. The Arlen Public Library
presents Of Mice and Men,Copy !req
30. next Friday and Saturday only.Copy !req
31. Of course, you would know that
if you read my "What's Happening" cornerCopy !req
32. of the refrigerator.Copy !req
33. I'm one of the two leads.Copy !req
34. The play's about
a hardworking, regular JoeCopy !req
35. and his slow-witted friend.Copy !req
36. Yeah, I know a little bit about that.Copy !req
37. Perfect!Copy !req
38. Maybe after dinner,
we can rehearse together.Copy !req
39. I've been looking for a vehicle
for the two of us.Copy !req
40. Uh, I'm kind of busy after dinner,
with dessert and all.Copy !req
41. Why don't you ask your mother to help?Copy !req
42. She's good at that kind of...Copy !req
43. creative stuff.Copy !req
44. Actually, I'm great at it.Copy !req
45. I played the lead
in my high school production of Grease.Copy !req
46. Danny Zuko.Copy !req
47. There you go, Bobby.Copy !req
48. Your mom's a substitute actor, too.Copy !req
49. You know, I'd love to,Copy !req
50. but what I really want
to do next is direct.Copy !req
51. Break a leg, Hank.Copy !req
52. Great!Copy !req
53. I'm George. You'll be Lennie.Copy !req
54. You want me to tell you about the rabbits?Copy !req
55. Is that what I'm eating? Rabbits?Copy !req
56. 'Cause I can't taste a thing
with this broken nose.Copy !req
57. It's macaroni and cheese, Bill.Copy !req
58. - Oh. I... Aah!Copy !req
59. Hot! Damn it!Copy !req
60. Joseph, you've got to be more careful
with that thing.Copy !req
61. It wasn't me. My dad did it.Copy !req
62. Thanks a lot, son.Copy !req
63. You should try out
for the gymnastics team.Copy !req
64. You're pretty good at rolling over.Copy !req
65. I'm in over my head, Hank.Copy !req
66. I ran out of advice after I told him
to hold the stick like a giant cigarette.Copy !req
67. Heads up, Dad.Copy !req
68. Good hands, Mr. Hill.Copy !req
69. So, what do you do? You just flick it?Copy !req
70. Huh.Copy !req
71. It's all about the follow-through.Copy !req
72. Well, so much
for rehearsing my play with Dad.Copy !req
73. No, honey, I'm sure your father
will be back any minute.Copy !req
74. He probably went to the hardware store
to fix the window,Copy !req
75. so we won't be murdered in our sleep.Copy !req
76. Heads up!Copy !req
77. Nice one, Mr. Hill.Copy !req
78. Nice.Copy !req
79. What are you guys doing?Copy !req
80. Catching butterflies?Copy !req
81. Sorry, Joseph.Copy !req
82. I've got to go play
make-believe with Bobby.Copy !req
83. Thanks for the tips.
Maybe I can try them out with my dad.Copy !req
84. Whoa, whoa, wait a minute, Hank.Copy !req
85. I noticed when you threw the ball
to Joseph,Copy !req
86. that it went to Joseph.Copy !req
87. Seems to me that it would be good for himCopy !req
88. to practice with a man who can do that.Copy !req
89. Yeah, I suppose it would,Copy !req
90. but I'm supposed
to rehearse with Bobby and...Copy !req
91. Hey, Dale, you always go
to that dinner theaterCopy !req
92. with your gun club buddies.Copy !req
93. Every Wednesday night.Copy !req
94. You think you could give Bobby
some pointers on acting?Copy !req
95. Could I? Yes.Copy !req
96. Will I? Yes!Copy !req
97. Bobby, good news!Copy !req
98. It turns out that Mr. GribbleCopy !req
99. is one of Arlen's great acting rehearsers,Copy !req
100. and he's willing to work with you.Copy !req
101. Oh.Copy !req
102. Okay.Copy !req
103. So, we're doing Of Mice and Men, huh?Copy !req
104. I saw the dinner theater version of it.Copy !req
105. The roast beef was fantastic.Copy !req
106. "Warm, bulging rain
sails languidly tomorrow."Copy !req
107. Mm-hm. This is a keeper.Copy !req
108. That's right.Copy !req
109. It's gonna be nice there.Copy !req
110. Ain't gonna be no trouble.Copy !req
111. No fights.Copy !req
112. Nobody ever gonna hurt nobodyCopy !req
113. or steal from 'em.Copy !req
114. It's gonna be... nice.Copy !req
115. Bravo, Bobby. Bravo.Copy !req
116. That's the best performanceCopy !req
117. since Michael Caine's
ether-huffing abortionistCopy !req
118. in The Cider House Rules.Copy !req
119. Bobby?Copy !req
120. I thought your father
was going to rehearse with you.Copy !req
121. It's okay.Copy !req
122. Mr. Gribble's an excellent acting coach.Copy !req
123. He's showing me how to channel
my disappointment in Dad into great art.Copy !req
124. Hey, dude...Copy !req
125. I mean, Mrs. Hill.Copy !req
126. Dale, your son is here for you!Copy !req
127. Actually, I came to see Mr. Hill.Copy !req
128. Okay, Joseph.Copy !req
129. Tryouts are coming up,Copy !req
130. so I made you a lacrosse goal.Copy !req
131. I used Bobby's stuffed animal hammockCopy !req
132. and the guardrail from his bed.Copy !req
133. Let's go, Bobby, from the top.Copy !req
134. And remember, smaller and realer.Copy !req
135. This isn't Guys and Dolls.Copy !req
136. Hank, you are not Joseph's father.Copy !req
137. Dale is Joseph's father.Copy !req
138. Actually, John Redcorn is Joseph's father,Copy !req
139. but Dale doesn't know that.Copy !req
140. The point is, you are only his godfather.Copy !req
141. You are not supposed to take over for DaleCopy !req
142. until he is gunned down by federal agents.Copy !req
143. That is the agreement.Copy !req
144. I'm not "taking over."Copy !req
145. I'm just helping the boy make a team.Copy !req
146. If Bobby were trying out for a team,
I'd help him, too.Copy !req
147. You know very well
that it's not going to happen.Copy !req
148. I know.Copy !req
149. Two minutes to curtain.
Take your seats, please.Copy !req
150. Can we have everybody sitting down?
Thank you.Copy !req
151. Excuse me. Is that seat free?Copy !req
152. No. That seat is reserved
for the father of the star of the show.Copy !req
153. I am the stage mother, Peggy Hill.Copy !req
154. Please clear the aisle.Copy !req
155. Sorry. I had to stop by the bathroom
to throw up.Copy !req
156. Are you as nervous for Bobby as I am?Copy !req
157. Dale, if you want to make this
a competition, I will win.Copy !req
158. So, where's your better half?Copy !req
159. Well, he must be off dealing
with a propane emergency.Copy !req
160. As a propane wife, you'd think
I'd be used to it by now,Copy !req
161. but I am not.Copy !req
162. Whoo! Go, Joseph!Copy !req
163. Go, Joseph, go!Copy !req
164. Yeah!Copy !req
165. That's my neighbor's boy.Copy !req
166. Where's Dad?Copy !req
167. I was hoping he'd take infrared footage
of the game.Copy !req
168. I don't think he made it, Shug.Copy !req
169. Maybe he locked himself out of
or in something.Copy !req
170. Bobby, what a great performance.Copy !req
171. Your mother and I
have never been prouder of you.Copy !req
172. I just wish my dad had been there
to see it.Copy !req
173. He would have loved it!Copy !req
174. What you were doing with your hands
in that second scene,Copy !req
175. masterful.Copy !req
176. I don't know what to do
with my hands in real life.Copy !req
177. That's why I smoke.Copy !req
178. I solved the hand problem
back in high schoolCopy !req
179. when I was in Grease.Copy !req
180. I kept them in my pockets.Copy !req
181. I took them out only to hand jive.Copy !req
182. Dad?Copy !req
183. Bobby?Copy !req
184. - Dad?
- Joseph?Copy !req
185. Well, this is awkward.Copy !req
186. Hmm...Copy !req
187. Mind if I smoke?Copy !req
188. Yep.Copy !req
189. Yep.Copy !req
190. The play.Copy !req
191. We really stepped in it
and walked around the carpet this time.Copy !req
192. Poor Joseph.Copy !req
193. Can you send a 13-year-old boy
a bouquet of flowers?Copy !req
194. Is that appropriate?Copy !req
195. Well, if the boy is my boy, you can.Copy !req
196. Ah, why am I knocking Bobby?Copy !req
197. We're the ones who are having trouble
with our kids,Copy !req
198. communicating the...Copy !req
199. You know, the emotional whatnots.Copy !req
200. Sometimes I ask myself why I even bother.Copy !req
201. I mean,
it's not like Joseph's even my son.Copy !req
202. Hmm?Copy !req
203. What? Tha... that's crazy.Copy !req
204. Why would you say something like that?Copy !req
205. Now that Joseph's hit puberty,Copy !req
206. the differences are impossible to ignore.Copy !req
207. We don't look alike,
we don't have the same interests...Copy !req
208. Oh, come on.Copy !req
209. Sometimes I think the only thingCopy !req
210. Bobby and I have in common
is our waist size.Copy !req
211. True, but get this.Copy !req
212. I recently saw on the Discovery ChannelCopy !req
213. that it takes nine months to make a baby.Copy !req
214. Well, nine months before Joseph was born,Copy !req
215. me and my reproductive organsCopy !req
216. were 500 miles away in Marfa, Texas.Copy !req
217. For years, alien spaceshipsCopy !req
218. have appeared in the skies above Marfa.Copy !req
219. The lunatic fringe have dismissedCopy !req
220. these so-called "Marfa Lights"Copy !req
221. as swamp gas,Copy !req
222. experimental aircraft or weather balloons.Copy !req
223. So, I went on a research trip
to debunk these wacko theories.Copy !req
224. Nancy had a horrible headache
and couldn't travel.Copy !req
225. So, I asked John Redcorn
to stay at the houseCopy !req
226. to protect her while I was gone.Copy !req
227. I thought I was being so smart,Copy !req
228. but I have never been so stupid.Copy !req
229. Oh, Dale, I'm so sorry.Copy !req
230. The truth has been right in front of me
all these years.Copy !req
231. Joseph's real father is...Copy !req
232. Nancy loves you.Copy !req
233. an alien!Copy !req
234. What?Copy !req
235. The aliens knew
I was getting too close to the truth.Copy !req
236. Exactly what truth? I have no idea.Copy !req
237. But I was close.Copy !req
238. They had to do something to distract me.Copy !req
239. And what better way
than a lifelong distraction: a child.Copy !req
240. So, they impregnated NancyCopy !req
241. with their highly potent space juice.Copy !req
242. As nefarious schemes often do, it worked.Copy !req
243. For the past 13 years,Copy !req
244. I've been too busy raising an alleged sonCopy !req
245. to maintain constant surveillance.Copy !req
246. Uh, I really don't think
Joseph is an alien child.Copy !req
247. Well, I didn't impregnate Nancy.
So who did, huh?Copy !req
248. You got a better explanation?Copy !req
249. Nah.Copy !req
250. Uh...Copy !req
251. Well, uh...Copy !req
252. No.Copy !req
253. What other explanation could there be?Copy !req
254. Yep. Spacemen.Copy !req
255. Okay, so the reason
why I don't relate to my sonCopy !req
256. is that he is an extraterrestrial being.Copy !req
257. I don't know
what your problem with Bobby is.Copy !req
258. Guess you're just a crappy dad.Copy !req
259. Bobby?Copy !req
260. I know how important that play was to youCopy !req
261. and it was wrong of me to miss it.Copy !req
262. I wouldn't do that to a customerCopy !req
263. and I shouldn't have done it to my son.Copy !req
264. So, get used to this sound...Copy !req
265. Because I'll be doing a lot of that
at your next show.Copy !req
266. Well, that's very kind of you,Copy !req
267. but Mr. Sutter from the bankCopy !req
268. got transferred to a branch in Durndell.Copy !req
269. So, we have no idiot man-child.Copy !req
270. Therefore, we have no show.Copy !req
271. Dang it! Dang it!Copy !req
272. I really wanted to see that show.Copy !req
273. I heard such good things from your mother.Copy !req
274. Dang it! Oh, well.Copy !req
275. If you're that good
at pretending to be upset,Copy !req
276. maybe you might be good
at pretending to be a gentle giantCopy !req
277. with the mind of a five-year-old.Copy !req
278. Uh, Bobby, I'm no actor.Copy !req
279. Yeah, but can you at least act like a dad?Copy !req
280. I learned that from Mr. Gribble.Copy !req
281. I should have learned it from you.Copy !req
282. Okay. I'll do it.Copy !req
283. Uh, Joseph, I've got something
that we really need to...Copy !req
284. Could... could you stop doing that thing
where you lift the weights?Copy !req
285. What do you want?Copy !req
286. This is the hardest conversation
I've ever had.Copy !req
287. Oh, maybe I should just blurt it out.Copy !req
288. No, I'll pussyfoot around.Copy !req
289. Boy, this weather sure has been...Copy !req
290. Joseph, you're an alien!Copy !req
291. What are you talking about?Copy !req
292. Creatures from outer space
impregnated your mother.Copy !req
293. I am not your real father.Copy !req
294. Of course you are.Copy !req
295. Just because you're a spaz
at playing lacrosse,Copy !req
296. - that doesn't mean...
- Come on.Copy !req
297. This is great news.Copy !req
298. For two humans, we get along terribly.Copy !req
299. But for two different species,Copy !req
300. we're doing mediocre to good.Copy !req
301. This doesn't make any sense.Copy !req
302. You're telling me
I'm from outer space, like ET?Copy !req
303. Actually, no.Copy !req
304. He was a purebred alien
and had a heart of gold.Copy !req
305. You're only half alienCopy !req
306. and at times, can be a tad self-absorbed.Copy !req
307. You missed my damn tryouts,Copy !req
308. and now you're calling me "self-absorbed"?Copy !req
309. Oh, God, I have displeased you.Copy !req
310. Okay, I'll double...
No, triple your allowance.Copy !req
311. And when your people return
to wipe out the human race,Copy !req
312. maybe you can convince them
to spare our lives.Copy !req
313. Your mother's sturdy.
She can work in the mines.Copy !req
314. And me, well, I'd make an excellent pet.Copy !req
315. And when we put in a crop,Copy !req
316. why, we'd be there to take that crop up.Copy !req
317. We'd know what come of our planting.Copy !req
318. "And rabbits."Copy !req
319. You'd fill up the sack and bring it inCopy !req
320. and put it in the rabbit cages.Copy !req
321. "They'd nibble and they'd nibble
the way they do."Copy !req
322. I've seen 'em.Copy !req
323. We're really good together, Dad!Copy !req
324. Hey, let's practice our bows.Copy !req
325. You go first.Copy !req
326. Yeah, Dad! Bravo!Copy !req
327. Mom, have you got a minute?Copy !req
328. What's up, little Shug?Copy !req
329. Is Dad my real dad?Copy !req
330. What? Of course he is.Copy !req
331. Why would you say something like that?
He's your dad.Copy !req
332. He's your dad. Okay?Copy !req
333. He's your dad. Okay?Copy !req
334. - Okay.
- Okay.Copy !req
335. She was scared, Bobby.Copy !req
336. The kind of scared
you only see in Earth womenCopy !req
337. who've given birth
to half-human, half-alien babies.Copy !req
338. Joseph, you are not an alien.Copy !req
339. You're being crazy.Copy !req
340. I knew you were going to say that!Copy !req
341. Oh, no, I have ESP.Copy !req
342. What's happening to me?Copy !req
343. Greetings, Your Alien Excellency.Copy !req
344. I bought you a brand-new TV.Copy !req
345. No reason, just because.Copy !req
346. Enjoy.Copy !req
347. He's just being nice so my real dad
won't freeze him in carboniteCopy !req
348. and trade him for spice.Copy !req
349. It's not like he really wants me here.Copy !req
350. Where are you going?Copy !req
351. I'm tired of being a freak.Copy !req
352. I need to go and live among my own kind.Copy !req
353. I need to go...Copy !req
354. home.Copy !req
355. Places, everyone.Copy !req
356. Hold on. Where's Bobby?Copy !req
357. Wha... I thought he was with you.Copy !req
358. No. I had to come early for...Copy !req
359. body makeup.Copy !req
360. Oh, no.Copy !req
361. Where am I going to find a George
at the last minute?Copy !req
362. I'll do it.Copy !req
363. Wait a minute,
I was just doing this for my son.Copy !req
364. If he's not here, I resign my part.Copy !req
365. Hank, the show must go on.Copy !req
366. We have a roomful of seniors
from Garrity and Sons Nursing Home,Copy !req
367. and we may have told them
this was Broadway.Copy !req
368. I don't want them to be disappointed.Copy !req
369. But I...Copy !req
370. Lennie! For God's sake,
don't drink so much!Copy !req
371. That's good.Copy !req
372. You drink some, George.Copy !req
373. You drink some, too.Copy !req
374. I ain't sure it's good water.Copy !req
375. Looks kind of scummy to me.Copy !req
376. That line could be better.Copy !req
377. Who wrote this crap?Copy !req
378. This is not like Bobby.Copy !req
379. He was so excited
about doing the play with you.Copy !req
380. Is it possibleCopy !req
381. he got a better part in another play?Copy !req
382. Oh, that little...Copy !req
383. If he wanted to make his old man
look like a jackass,Copy !req
384. well, he finally did something right.Copy !req
385. The alien has escaped!Copy !req
386. - What?
- Joseph.Copy !req
387. He's gone to Marfa
and he's taken Bobby with him,Copy !req
388. probably as food.Copy !req
389. That UFO place?Copy !req
390. Oh, God!Copy !req
391. And FYI, Boomhauer said
he could see your nipples onstage.Copy !req
392. Let's go!Copy !req
393. I hope my alien dad
loves me more than my real dad.Copy !req
394. So, what happens now?Copy !req
395. A flying saucer drops out of the sky,Copy !req
396. some little green man
in a tin foil jumpsuit says, "Gleep glop,"Copy !req
397. and you say, "Bleep bloop,"
and then you live happily ever after?Copy !req
398. It's not going to happen.Copy !req
399. Dude, he's coming.Copy !req
400. Damn it, Dale.Copy !req
401. Why'd you have to tell Joseph
he was an alien?Copy !req
402. It's the truth, isn't it?Copy !req
403. Uh... Well...Copy !req
404. Sometimes it's better to keep the truth
from someone.Copy !req
405. Especially if, you know,Copy !req
406. they can't deal with it.Copy !req
407. Well, I felt the same wayCopy !req
408. when Boomhauer told me I had bad breath.Copy !req
409. But since then,Copy !req
410. - I've learned to inhale while I talk.Copy !req
411. Ooh, it's getting cold.Copy !req
412. Now, I'm not saying we're wasting timeCopy !req
413. because this is great people-watching,Copy !req
414. but I'm about ready to go.Copy !req
415. How's my dad's tractor beam
going to be able to lock in on meCopy !req
416. if I'm blending in with all these idiots?Copy !req
417. Joseph, no stupid UFOs are coming!Copy !req
418. The only lights we're going to seeCopy !req
419. are the lights of an ambulanceCopy !req
420. when they come to pick
our cold, dead bodies off the ground!Copy !req
421. That's Don Hood,
the country's top UFO hunter.Copy !req
422. He's been abducted three times.Copy !req
423. Ooh. And that's Duke Greenroy. He's crazy.Copy !req
424. Excuse me, friends.Copy !req
425. Would either of you be interested
in purchasing some alien urine?Copy !req
426. How much?Copy !req
427. Half a mayonnaise jar.Copy !req
428. Hank, you have half a mayonnaise jar?Copy !req
429. Dale, the temperature's dropping.Copy !req
430. We got to find these kids soon.Copy !req
431. Hey, buddy, have you seen
two 13-year-old boys?Copy !req
432. One of them half-alien.Copy !req
433. Well, I saw one kid
wander out into the desertCopy !req
434. with his Indian guide.Copy !req
435. Oh, God!Copy !req
436. Well, thanks anyway.Copy !req
437. Hey, do you take Diners Club?Copy !req
438. Bobby? Joseph?Copy !req
439. Would you put the jar downCopy !req
440. and help me look for the kids?Copy !req
441. I can't believe I lost Joseph.Copy !req
442. I hope his real dad doesn't eat my brain.Copy !req
443. But, of course, he will.Copy !req
444. Damn it, Dale, you're his real dad.Copy !req
445. No, I'm not.Copy !req
446. When Joseph was a baby,
who changed his diapers,Copy !req
447. you or some alien?Copy !req
448. I did.Copy !req
449. Who took him to his first day
of kindergarten?Copy !req
450. I did.Copy !req
451. Who taught him how to tie his shoes?Copy !req
452. John Redcorn.Copy !req
453. Well, okay.Copy !req
454. But who taught him how to ride a bike?Copy !req
455. John Redcorn.Copy !req
456. He taught Joseph, and Joseph taught me.Copy !req
457. Okay, but I didn't see
the aliens doing that stuff.Copy !req
458. But you were thereCopy !req
459. for every Christmas morning
and scraped knee.Copy !req
460. You, Dale.Copy !req
461. Any alien can inject someoneCopy !req
462. with his space juice and be a father,Copy !req
463. but it takes a real man to be a dad.Copy !req
464. They're here!Copy !req
465. Oh, my God!Copy !req
466. The Marfa Lights!Copy !req
467. It's the boys!Copy !req
468. Joseph, your dad's here!Copy !req
469. I know. I'm scared.Copy !req
470. No, your Earth dad.Copy !req
471. Dad!Copy !req
472. Don't go, son!Copy !req
473. I don't want to go.Copy !req
474. Then run!Copy !req
475. Run away from the light!Copy !req
476. Joseph!
Dad!Copy !req
477. Joseph!Copy !req
478. You can't have him!Copy !req
479. He's my son!Copy !req
480. Let's go, go, go!Copy !req
481. Dad, aliens impregnated Mom.
That's a given.Copy !req
482. But isn't it possible
that first they abducted you,Copy !req
483. stole your genetic material,Copy !req
484. and then used that to create me?Copy !req
485. Recovering...Copy !req
486. Recovering...Copy !req
487. Recovered memory!Copy !req
488. That's exactly how it went down.Copy !req
489. Which means you are
my flesh-and-blood genetic son!Copy !req
490. Sorry I missed your play, Dad.Copy !req
491. It's all right, son.Copy !req
492. I guess you had your own
idiot man-child to deal with.Copy !req
493. Yeah, that Joseph, he's really...Copy !req
494. really like his dad.Copy !req
495. Yep, those Gribbles are two nuts
on the same sundae.Copy !req
496. Yep.Copy !req
497. Yep.Copy !req
498. Hey Dad, what's in the drawer?
Don't drink it!Copy !req