1. Yep.Copy !req
2. Yep.Copy !req
3. Yep. That's your CH47D Chinook helicopter.Copy !req
4. We're having war games this week.Copy !req
5. It's kind of like our team bus.Copy !req
6. Yeah? How's your team doing, Bill?Copy !req
7. Oh, they won't let me play.Copy !req
8. I'm just an Army barber.Copy !req
9. All I do is cut hair.Copy !req
10. I'm doing north of 85 heads a day.Copy !req
11. My wrist hurts so much,
I can barely open my beer.Copy !req
12. Ow!Copy !req
13. Oh, give yourself a break, Bill.Copy !req
14. You do more than cut hair.Copy !req
15. You also straighten out magazines
and empty ashtrays.Copy !req
16. Don't listen to him. You're a very
important cog in the military machine.Copy !req
17. Imagine if our boys went into battle
with hair in their eyes.Copy !req
18. They'd be at a marked disadvantage,
I'll tell you what.Copy !req
19. Hey, hillbillies!Copy !req
20. Look at my new SUV!Copy !req
21. Oh, this baby so huge,Copy !req
22. if I crash into your puny pickup,Copy !req
23. you get flattened like pancake!Copy !req
24. Ha-ha!Copy !req
25. Where are you going to keep it, smart guy?Copy !req
26. It doesn't even fit in your garage.Copy !req
27. Uh, maybe I keep garage in SUV.Copy !req
28. Kiss my ass!Copy !req
29. Hmm? Easy on the ice cream, Bobby.Copy !req
30. It's sold by weight.Copy !req
31. I'm not getting any ice cream.Copy !req
32. All toppings.Copy !req
33. More bang for the buck.Copy !req
34. Care to guess the weight of your sundae?Copy !req
35. Get it right, it's free.Copy !req
36. Okay.Copy !req
37. I have two scoops of ice cream,
low fat, not that I need it.Copy !req
38. Sliced bananas and gummy bears.Copy !req
39. That weighs exactly...Copy !req
40. 8.3 ounces.Copy !req
41. Oh. Close.Copy !req
42. 4.5 ounces. Better luck next time.Copy !req
43. Eat this.Copy !req
44. I'm going again.Copy !req
45. So how are the war games
treating you, Corporal?Copy !req
46. I'm dead.Copy !req
47. Sniper tagged me with his laser.Copy !req
48. I think he caught the sun's reflection
off my grenade launcher.Copy !req
49. Oh, yeah.
Anything shiny is a sure giveaway.Copy !req
50. If I got to fight in the war games,Copy !req
51. I'd tar my head.Copy !req
52. Just in case my helmet fell off.Copy !req
53. Hey, another good way to avoid snipers...Copy !req
54. Yeah, with all due respect,Copy !req
55. we're talking about blowing things up,Copy !req
56. not blowing things dry.Copy !req
57. Oh.Copy !req
58. Sorry.Copy !req
59. My wrist!Copy !req
60. Permission to stop clipping, sir?Copy !req
61. Denied.Copy !req
62. Okay, Sergeant Dauterive.Copy !req
63. It's carpal tunnel syndrome.Copy !req
64. You'll have to lay off cutting hair
for two weeks.Copy !req
65. But that's all the Army lets me do.Copy !req
66. If you don't mind,
we need the bed for some soldiers.Copy !req
67. I mean, real soldiers.Copy !req
68. I mean...Copy !req
69. You know what I mean.Copy !req
70. Give your chart to the nurse
on the way out.Copy !req
71. Any of you guys have large portionsCopy !req
72. of your medical chart blacked out?Copy !req
73. Just the stuff I did myself.Copy !req
74. On a scale of one to ten,Copy !req
75. I'd say eight of my file was crossed out.Copy !req
76. Is that something to worry about?Copy !req
77. Only if the idea of a massive cover-up
concerns you.Copy !req
78. Jeez.Copy !req
79. Don't get him all jacked up about nothing.Copy !req
80. If the United States government did it,Copy !req
81. I'm sure they had a good reason.Copy !req
82. Based on what I know about Bill
and cover-ups,Copy !req
83. I'd say the army used him
in their attempted assassinationCopy !req
84. of boxing promoter Bob Arum.Copy !req
85. Is he right, Hank?Copy !req
86. Has he ever been right, Bill?Copy !req
87. You don't have to answer that.Copy !req
88. If you want to know
what was under that black marker,Copy !req
89. you need to get a hold
of your own transmogrified personnel file.Copy !req
90. How do I do that?Copy !req
91. Well, like any first-rate organization,Copy !req
92. I'm sure the Army has a formCopy !req
93. you can request, fill out, and submit.Copy !req
94. Yeah, good plan.Copy !req
95. Why don't you also ask themCopy !req
96. for a tour of the underwater White House?Copy !req
97. You know, Dale,
sometimes I think you say thingsCopy !req
98. just to hear yourself talk.Copy !req
99. What do you want me to do?Copy !req
100. Ignore myself?Copy !req
101. Scoopful of Oreos.Copy !req
102. Two ounces.Copy !req
103. Half an ounce.Copy !req
104. Not even close.Copy !req
105. Bobby, you just focus
on smashing those cookies.Copy !req
106. I did not pull you out of school
to give me lip.Copy !req
107. Exterminator.Copy !req
108. Exterminator.Copy !req
109. Now we'll see who talks out loud
just to hear himself speak.Copy !req
110. I was right!Copy !req
111. All right, Dale.
Now that you've got us down here,Copy !req
112. where is this top secret
fishing rod of yours?Copy !req
113. The fishing rod was just bait.Copy !req
114. What about the fresh-baked cookies?Copy !req
115. Almost done.Copy !req
116. Now, Hank, what progress have you made
on obtaining Bill's personnel file?Copy !req
117. I'll have you know I was right.Copy !req
118. The government does have a form
for exactly this type of request.Copy !req
119. Yeah. And they're going
to send us that formCopy !req
120. in six to eight weeks.Copy !req
121. Well, how's six to eight seconds?Copy !req
122. Shi-sha!Copy !req
123. Now, as you will seeCopy !req
124. from this incontrovertible evidence,Copy !req
125. Sergeant-then-Private Bill Dauterive
was given large dosesCopy !req
126. of an experimental drug from 1982 to 1984.Copy !req
127. The Army was trying
to create an elite groupCopy !req
128. of arctic commandos,Copy !req
129. stationed in AlaskaCopy !req
130. and able to withstand frigid temperatures.Copy !req
131. They called it...Copy !req
132. "Infinite Walrus."Copy !req
133. Their mission: to repel an invasion,Copy !req
134. if and when the communists
came over the polar ice cap.Copy !req
135. The drug was designed
to promote accumulationCopy !req
136. of heat-retaining blubber on the torso,Copy !req
137. foster the growth of insulating body hair,Copy !req
138. and create the ability
to undertake long periods of hibernation.Copy !req
139. Yeah, but...Copy !req
140. but all those years,Copy !req
141. they told me they were giving me
super-vitamin shots.Copy !req
142. Side effects include headaches
and erectile dysfunction.Copy !req
143. I gave 20 years of my life to the ArmyCopy !req
144. and this is what they did to me?Copy !req
145. Bill, it was a different time.Copy !req
146. It was back when we didn't know
the Russians were incompetent.Copy !req
147. Cookies.Copy !req
148. Mama, look what they did to your baby boy.Copy !req
149. Look out, world!Copy !req
150. Fat, drunk, hairy Army guinea pig
coming through!Copy !req
151. I saw the Army documents with my own eyes.Copy !req
152. It was all there in black and white.Copy !req
153. Is this what my tax dollars are going for?Copy !req
154. To put hair on Bill's back?Copy !req
155. Poor Bill.Copy !req
156. I cannot even fathom what it's like
to have low self-esteem.Copy !req
157. And I can fathom just about anything.Copy !req
158. Oh, hold on.Copy !req
159. Let me take a guess.Copy !req
160. Okay, magazine with toenail topping...Copy !req
161. 15 and one half ounces.Copy !req
162. Yes!Copy !req
163. It's all coming together, Hank.Copy !req
164. What the...Copy !req
165. The Army found out
I looked at their files!Copy !req
166. I'll be in the safe room.Copy !req
167. Don't let them take you alive, dear.Copy !req
168. All right!Copy !req
169. We need some tunes.Copy !req
170. Huh? Uh-oh.Copy !req
171. Oh, I got the head spins.Copy !req
172. This is Hank Hill, block captain.Copy !req
173. I know it's the war games,Copy !req
174. and I don't want
to second-guess your tactics,Copy !req
175. but are you in distress?Copy !req
176. Oh, good Lord.Copy !req
177. I think there's some kind
of dead animal in there.Copy !req
178. Oh, it's Bill.Copy !req
179. He's soused to the gills.Copy !req
180. It's only Bill?Copy !req
181. I scalded off my fingerprints for nothing?Copy !req
182. Come on, Bill, wake up. You stole a tank.Copy !req
183. I tell you what, man.Copy !req
184. You better call up somebody, man.
They no tellin' that the ArmyCopy !req
185. 'cause somebody gonna find out
about a dang ol' tank, man.Copy !req
186. No! We can't tell the Army
Bill stole a tank.Copy !req
187. They'll tell their superiors
at America OnlineCopy !req
188. and he'll be dead,Copy !req
189. as well as everybody on his buddy list.Copy !req
190. They won't do that,Copy !req
191. but they will throw him in the stockade
for the rest of his life.Copy !req
192. We've got to take the tank back ourselves.Copy !req
193. It's Bill's only hope.Copy !req
194. Plus, we'll get to ride in a tank.Copy !req
195. Oh, I get to drive!Copy !req
196. Hey, man. You know what I'm talking about.Copy !req
197. I'm going to drive that tank, man.
That old 1200 horsepower, man.Copy !req
198. Too much muscle for your skinny, little,
ol' puny ol' arms of yours, man.Copy !req
199. Not so fast, Boomhauer.Copy !req
200. I've been driving bobtail trucks
at Strickland for two decades.Copy !req
201. Oh, I am so impressed.Copy !req
202. Have you also downloaded
the classified instruction manualCopy !req
203. for this tank
from Vladimir Putin's website?Copy !req
204. Took a correspondence course in Russian?Copy !req
205. Translated the manual,Copy !req
206. memorized it and eaten it?Copy !req
207. Have you, Hank?Copy !req
208. - Putin?
- All right, all right.Copy !req
209. Peggy, I'm going to return the tank.Copy !req
210. Oh. I can't fall asleep
with all this excitement.Copy !req
211. What do you say,Copy !req
212. we go to the Mega Lo Mart
for a couple of...Copy !req
213. - I'm there!
- ... make-your-own sundaes?Copy !req
214. All right. First...Copy !req
215. Then I, uh...Copy !req
216. Straighten it out, Dale.
It feels like you're weaving.Copy !req
217. I think I know how to handle a tank.Copy !req
218. Now!Copy !req
219. Where's the cigarette lighter?Copy !req
220. Hold it, boys... Hold...Copy !req
221. Oh!Copy !req
222. My ride!Copy !req
223. It so cherry!Copy !req
224. Damn it, Dale, I told you.Copy !req
225. - You just hit a curb.Copy !req
226. Mm, um, open... open the hatch.Copy !req
227. Open the hatch!Copy !req
228. Ugh, not in the sandbox.Copy !req
229. Relax, Hank. Studies show
that your average sandboxCopy !req
230. is only 30 percent sand.Copy !req
231. The rest is a mélange of urine, feces,Copy !req
232. animal feces and etcetera.Copy !req
233. Bill, I want you to stand downwind of me
and tell me what you hoped to accomplishCopy !req
234. by stealing this tank.Copy !req
235. I don't know.Copy !req
236. I was at the base, I was drunk.Copy !req
237. I couldn't find my car keys.Copy !req
238. Look at me! Look at what they did to me!Copy !req
239. Did they take your clothes?Copy !req
240. No, but they took everything else.Copy !req
241. When I first enlisted...Copy !req
242. I had the body
of an All-City offensive linemanCopy !req
243. and hair like Roger Daltrey.Copy !req
244. I signed up for the Armored Division.Copy !req
245. I wanted to be a tank driver.Copy !req
246. Oh, yeah, I had the confidence of a manCopy !req
247. with a washboard stomach
and a smooth back.Copy !req
248. And then they started giving meCopy !req
249. my super-vitamin shots.Copy !req
250. Now look at me.Copy !req
251. I'm a big, fat pant-load
throwing up in the sandbox.Copy !req
252. I know you're disappointed
with the way you turned out.Copy !req
253. We all are.Copy !req
254. But the good news is
it's not your fault.Copy !req
255. All those things that were great
about you back in high school,Copy !req
256. the confidence, the charm, the pep.Copy !req
257. They're still a part of you.Copy !req
258. They're just hidden inside
the government's bloated, lazy body.Copy !req
259. What?Copy !req
260. So, it's not my fault
that I'm fat, bald, and lazy?Copy !req
261. Or that your breath always stinks
like rotting garbage.Copy !req
262. My breath smells?Copy !req
263. Uh, it doesn't smell...Copy !req
264. pleasant most of the time.Copy !req
265. Why didn't you guys ever say anything?Copy !req
266. Well, we didn't tell you
because it would've hurt your feelings.Copy !req
267. But now that we know
it's the government's fault,Copy !req
268. well, Bill, your breath stinks.Copy !req
269. Yeah, man, I tell you something else, man.Copy !req
270. You better don't stand in the alley, man.Copy !req
271. Paint don't dry,
and the sun don't shine, man.Copy !req
272. - You know what I'm saying?
- You think I'm boring, too?Copy !req
273. Yes!Copy !req
274. Oh, yeah, but don't take it personally.
You see, it's...Copy !req
275. Not my fault! I'm not a loser.Copy !req
276. Deep down,
under all this government ape fur,Copy !req
277. I'm a winner.Copy !req
278. Well, I'll be damned if I'm going
to let the Army lock me awayCopy !req
279. for the rest of my life.Copy !req
280. We are taking the tank back to the baseCopy !req
281. and I'm driving!Copy !req
282. - Hi, would you like to guess the...
- Save your spiel for the rookies.Copy !req
283. 10.1 ounces.Copy !req
284. Oh, so sorry. 10.3.Copy !req
285. What?Copy !req
286. Peggy, you idiot. The cup!Copy !req
287. Of course, the cup!
Ugh! Peggy, you genius.Copy !req
288. I always knew I'd be a great tank driver.Copy !req
289. Just like I always knew
I'd live close to Hank.Copy !req
290. Oh, God, it's the cops.Copy !req
291. I wonder how much trouble you get in
for stealing a tank.Copy !req
292. And taking three hostages. Help!Copy !req
293. No. This isn't over.Copy !req
294. Maybe I still have a silver tongue
underneath all the plaque.Copy !req
295. What's this tank doing out on the streets?Copy !req
296. We were told the war games
would be limited to the base.Copy !req
297. Are you questioning my authority?Copy !req
298. I am a sergeant in the United States ArmyCopy !req
299. and you are impeding a military operation.Copy !req
300. What are you looking at?Copy !req
301. Nothing, Sergeant.Copy !req
302. You just seem a little out of uniform.Copy !req
303. Have you ever driven an Abrams M1A2 tank?Copy !req
304. - No, sir.
- Do you have any ideaCopy !req
305. how hot it gets insideCopy !req
306. that heavily armored fighting machine?Copy !req
307. - No, sir.
- I did not think so!Copy !req
308. Now I suggest you get back
inside that black and white,Copy !req
309. forget everything you've seen here.Copy !req
310. - Do I make myself clear?
- Yes, sir!Copy !req
311. All right, move out!Copy !req
312. And you. I'm going to need your name
and phone number.Copy !req
313. I'm also going to need youCopy !req
314. to keep Saturday night openCopy !req
315. because I'm taking you dancing.Copy !req
316. Sir, yes, sir.Copy !req
317. Yes, soon as we drop this baby off,Copy !req
318. my life enters Chapter Two:
"The Good Years."Copy !req
319. Dang it, fella, I'm proud of you.Copy !req
320. I'm proud of me, too.Copy !req
321. That's live artillery.Copy !req
322. Bill, where the hell are we?Copy !req
323. By the looks of all
these tanks being blown up,Copy !req
324. I'd say we're on the target range
for the war games!Copy !req
325. Gentlemen, the crap
has literally been scared out of me.Copy !req
326. Stop!Copy !req
327. We're in here!Copy !req
328. Oh, God. They must think
we're a target tank.Copy !req
329. What do we do?Copy !req
330. Don't worry. My years of military training
will take over.Copy !req
331. Sir, how do you want your sideburns...Copy !req
332. No, wait, that doesn't apply.Copy !req
333. Give me a minute!Copy !req
334. Choosing life!Copy !req
335. Incoming! Coming back in!Copy !req
336. It's safer in here,
in my armor-plated womb.Copy !req
337. Can I listen to your heartbeat, Hank?Copy !req
338. Bill, you spent 20 years on this base.Copy !req
339. How do we get off this dang target range?Copy !req
340. What are you asking Bill for?Copy !req
341. The Army destroyed all his brain cellsCopy !req
342. with their deadly placebo drug.Copy !req
343. No wonder he's an "ignoranus."Copy !req
344. What did you say?Copy !req
345. "Ignoranus." It means "stupid," you moron!Copy !req
346. Dale, you said "placebo."Copy !req
347. Yeah, I read it in Bill's file.Copy !req
348. That was the name of the drug
they gave him.Copy !req
349. "Placebo."Copy !req
350. I think it's made by "Puh-fizer."Copy !req
351. Dale, you're the moron.Copy !req
352. A placebo's a fake drug.Copy !req
353. They shot Bill full of sugar water.Copy !req
354. Sugar water?Copy !req
355. They didn't think I was even worthy enough
to be a guinea pig?Copy !req
356. Quit pouting, Bill.Copy !req
357. It means the government
never tested on you.Copy !req
358. That's good news for you
and the taxpayers.Copy !req
359. Nuh-uh, it means everything is my fault!Copy !req
360. The fat, the fur,
and all those other thingsCopy !req
361. I didn't even know were wrong with me...Copy !req
362. until my friends told me.Copy !req
363. They're getting close.Copy !req
364. I'll flash the high beams
so they know we're all in here.Copy !req
365. Hmm... I might have popped the trunk.Copy !req
366. Hey, should those target tanks
be firing live ammo?Copy !req
367. Must be a drone.Copy !req
368. They said to be ready for anything.Copy !req
369. - Let's see if we can hit it.
- Let's do it.Copy !req
370. You idiot!
Now they're shooting right at us.Copy !req
371. All right, just calm down.Copy !req
372. You guys go out the escape hatchCopy !req
373. and I'll drive the tank away
to draw their fire.Copy !req
374. And leave you here to get blown up?
No way.Copy !req
375. Don't worry about me.Copy !req
376. I'll use my boxer shorts
to tie down the acceleratorCopy !req
377. and then I'll jump out, too.Copy !req
378. Now, move.Copy !req
379. Move! Move!Copy !req
380. Do you hear me?Copy !req
381. Two scoops vanilla,Copy !req
382. one half-palmful of jimmies,Copy !req
383. three medium-sized pecan bits,Copy !req
384. and one Italian "maraschiano" cherry,
no stem.Copy !req
385. Exactly 8.4 ounces.Copy !req
386. Wrong.Copy !req
387. Wait, you're right.Copy !req
388. We have a winner.Copy !req
389. I'm sorry, we have a what?Copy !req
390. - Winner.
- That's right, boy!Copy !req
391. Peggy Hill! Winner!Copy !req
392. Come on, Bobby, there's free ice cream.Copy !req
393. Free at last! Free at last!Copy !req
394. Let's go! Run for the woods!Copy !req
395. We'll be safe from the shells
under the branches and leaves!Copy !req
396. Great job, Bill!
Now, come on, get out of there!Copy !req
397. Target bearing four-knot-eight
and closing.Copy !req
398. Fire in the hole!Copy !req
399. Bill!Copy !req
400. Bill, man!Copy !req
401. He's...Copy !req
402. he's gone.Copy !req
403. Bill's dead.Copy !req
404. Oh, dang 'ol, dang 'ol, Bill, man.Copy !req
405. Bill was a good friend.Copy !req
406. He gave his life to save ours.Copy !req
407. I can safely say I would not
have done the same for him.Copy !req
408. The last thing I told himCopy !req
409. was he had bad breath.Copy !req
410. I wish I would have told him
that he was a brave man.Copy !req
411. Honest, sweet...Copy !req
412. like a big old stuffed teddy bear.Copy !req
413. Oh, God.Copy !req
414. I'm gonna miss him.Copy !req
415. Dang 'ol, dang 'ol Bill.Copy !req
416. Bill?Copy !req
417. You're alive. You made it out in time.Copy !req
418. Somehow, I got blowed out
by the explosion.Copy !req
419. That hurt. Ow.Copy !req
420. Hey, look. My... my carpal tunnel is gone.Copy !req
421. - Ugh.
- That is gross.Copy !req
422. I heard what you guys said, though.Copy !req
423. That I was brave, and honest,
and a good friend.Copy !req
424. Do you still think that
now that I'm not dead?Copy !req
425. Yep.Copy !req
426. Yep.Copy !req
427. Mm-hm.Copy !req
428. Sir, you have the honor
of being my first lefty haircut.Copy !req
429. How's it look?Copy !req
430. It's too short, uneven,Copy !req
431. and you totally obliterated
one of my sideburns.Copy !req
432. But, on the plus side,Copy !req
433. I must say your breath
is unusually minty and inoffensive.Copy !req
434. Sir, I'm brushing every day now, sir.Copy !req
435. Well, carry on... Sergeant.Copy !req
436. Cookies.Copy !req