1. Vow Vijay Singh
with a testy 12-foot putt.
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2. Putter, putter, putter, putter,
putter, swing!
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3. Man...
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4. Hey, Dad. Guess who's the star
of the Nursing Home Follies?
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5. Quiet, Bobby. We're
watching the Masters.
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6. That's a golf tournament.
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7. I know. The one with
the fabulous green jackets.
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8. Bay, Ken,
you can cut the tension with a knife.
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9. A froggy went
a-courtin' and he did ride
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10. Uh -huh, uh -huh
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11. A froggy went a-courtin' and
he did ride Uh-huh, uh-huh
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12. A froggy went a-courtin' and he did
ride Sword and pistol by his side
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13. Froggy went a-courtin' and he did ride
Uh-huh
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14. Thank you,
Garrity and Sons Nursing Home.
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15. Wonderful.
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16. I'm Jerry Popper.
I was on The Tonight Show once.
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17. - Can you spare a minute?
- Can I?
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18. Kid, I'll get right to the point.
I hate living here.
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19. But watching you up on that
stage, lighting the place up...
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20. for a moment it made me forget
the nurse stole my watch.
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21. You got something, kid.
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22. Moxie, chutzpah, pizzazz?
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23. You're selling yourself short.
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24. This is Chip Block, all-American,
and the original.
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25. Not one of those
plastic Woolworth's copies...
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26. that allowed me to
retire in such comfort.
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27. Right, Chip?
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28. Hey, Slugger.
That was my brother's name.
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29. They made him into a baseball bat.
He was from Louisville.
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30. Hey!
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31. That dummy's got good timing.
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32. - Who are you calling dummy, dummy?
- Settle down, Chip.
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33. Chip doesn't like to be called "dummy."
He prefers the term "carved figure."
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34. Crafted by Mastermen's of Wisconsin.
Portuguese cork.
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35. Portuguese cork. That's funny.
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36. Yep. But real ventriloquism
is about more than telling jokes.
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37. It takes great acting, Bobby.
Oscar-caliber.
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38. To play two roles at once.
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39. Nobody could do it today.
Except maybe Meryl Streep.
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40. Streep would be a great ventriloquist.
And so would you.
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41. I want you to have him.
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42. I'm gonna win the
talent show this year.
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43. Not that banjo-playing dork.
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44. Whoa, kid.
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45. You can't just put
your hand inside his body.
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46. You've got to get inside his head.
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47. Who is Chip Block? I'll tell you.
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48. He's the best athlete ever
to attend All-America High.
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49. Every boy wants to be his pal.
Every girl wants to be his gal.
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50. But I'm sorry, ladies.
He's saving it for marriage.
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51. An athlete?
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52. I may look big,
but very little of it is muscle.
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53. Chip and I know you can do it, Bobby.
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54. Please, Bobby. The show must go on.
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55. You say that, too? All right, I'm in.
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56. Thanks, Mr. Popper.
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57. Promise me you'll take care of him.
None of that lemon-scented crap.
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58. - Linseed oil.
- I promise.
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59. Not you, Chip. I was talking to...
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60. Bravo, Bobby!
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61. Hank, what is it about models
that rock stars find so attractive?
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62. Fluttering butterflies.
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63. Fluttering butterflies.
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64. Fluttering butterflies.
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65. Fluttering butterflies?
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66. Not in this house.
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67. "The fluttering butterflies gracefully
filled the skies in Pacific Grove."
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68. "The fluttering
butterflies gracefully...
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69. - "filled the—"
- Oh, God!
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70. Dad, this is Chip Block.
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71. We're practicing our labials.
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72. New rule: Lights out by 8:30.
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73. - Another.
- Don't you think you've had enough?
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74. - Another.
- Yes, sir.
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75. My son is playing with dolls.
There. I said it.
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76. He's a sissy. There. I said that.
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77. "Sammy Sosa.
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78. "Sammy Sosa."
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79. That's a ventriloquist's dummy.
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80. The way people were talking...
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81. I thought you were playing
with a Barbie doll.
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82. Mom, meet Chip Block, all-American.
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83. Chip, this is my mom.
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84. I didn't know you had a sister.
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85. Thank you. Pleased to meet you, Chip.
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86. Yeah. That's really
all the material we have.
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87. The problem is
Chip likes the sports pages...
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88. but I'm more of an
arts-and-leisure guy.
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89. I don't even know how
to read a box score.
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90. Then a league-leading softball pitcher
will be the one to teach you.
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91. Let me just get a sports page.
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92. Okay. Now, ERA, as you see here...
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93. is my "earned run average"
which is very, very good.
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94. What does "HBP" mean?
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95. Hit by pitch. She was
crowding the plate.
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96. Hank said I could get some cereal.
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97. I'll never forget this.
In this game, I had a no-hitter.
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98. If you adjust between...
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99. actually errors... Jealous...
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100. Who was the last pitcher
to win 30 games?
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101. Denny McLain. Detroit Tigers, 1968.
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102. That's day-one stuff, Chip.
Give me a hard one.
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103. Okay, wise 911v-
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104. How many years
did he get for pension fraud?
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105. You got me. Unless it was eight.
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106. You're the man.
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107. And the ball is going.
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108. It's foul. Foul ball.
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109. Bobby, maybe you and
your action figure...
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110. want to go clean your room.
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111. Could you please blow your smoke
the other way, Mr. Gribble?
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112. I'm training for the varsity squad.
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113. - I get Dale's spot.
- What's with Dale?
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114. He's like an LA fan,
leaving in the seventh inning.
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115. Boy, this new manager
sure is methodical.
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116. Yeah. People criticize him
for playing little ball.
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117. But I say a "W" is a "W"
any way you get it.
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118. Come on. My grandmother
hits like that.
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119. God, I hate infield singles.
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120. It put your tying run on first, Mr.
Hill.
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121. Got to like that.
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122. Yeah.
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123. That's true, Bobby, and...
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124. Chip. Chip Block.
Nice to meet you, Mr. Hill.
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125. How do you do that, Bobby?
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126. He's using show business.
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127. Palmeirds gonna be
looking for a fast ball.
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128. All right!
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129. Base hit.
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130. Dang old Palmeiro, man...
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131. Palmeira got a fast ball
and really turned it around.
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132. - You called it, Chip.
- Chip's a genius.
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133. Bobby, Chip, you get Dale's spot.
Bill?
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134. I couldn't handle the
pressure, anyway.
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135. Could be. Could be.
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136. It is!
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137. Round-tripper. He's
gonna tag all the bags.
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138. All right.
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139. I love this guy.
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140. Enjoy your last few breaths, dummy.
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141. You're looking lovely this morning
as usual, Mrs. Hill.
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142. Thank you.
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143. I'll have cinnamon rolls, pancakes,
7-Up, bacon.
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144. Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa!
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145. Bobby, if you're gonna
bulk up, do it right.
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146. You want five raw eggs in a glass.
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147. Raw eggs? Haven't you heard
of salmonella?
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148. Relax, kid. Lfl wanted to kill you...
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149. I'd challenge you to
a push-up contest.
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150. - Yeah.
- Eggs it is.
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151. Mr. Hill, could you pass
the sports section, please?
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152. Sure. You gonna make fun
of tennis there, Chip?
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153. I think tennis does a pretty good job
of making fun of itself.
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154. Ain't that the truth?
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155. Someaneis gota birthday
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156. I wonder who?
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157. I think it's you!
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158. Now let's see what Daddy got for you.
Bud, get Dale his gift.
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159. HBPPV birthday, squirt.
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160. Sug, are you all right?
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161. Fine.
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162. Shwsha!
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163. Octavio, I want you to do
the exact same thing...
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164. I just did to this picture
to this guy in person.
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165. Except do it right here.
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166. Okay. I'm gonna need $20 now.
And $20 when it is done.
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167. And another $20 for expenses.
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168. Tee time is in two hours
and eight minutes.
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169. So in other words,
you're going to be leaving the house.
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170. Yes, Dale.
We're all going golfing, remember?
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171. I can't go. I got plans.
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172. Yeah, plans.
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173. I mean, nothing.
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174. Hello, Mr. Gribble. Nice to see you.
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175. Nice to see you again.
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176. We got a spot open today for golfing.
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177. How do you like to join our foursome?
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178. No, thanks, Mr. Hill.
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179. I'm gonna hang out here today.
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180. Maybe run some wind sprints.
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181. Come on, Chip.
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182. I'll let you drive the cart...
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183. maybe even fix you up
with my three-wood.
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184. Bobby? Chip? Let's go.
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185. 11:15 a.m.
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186. The man and the boy
and the puppet leave the house.
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187. 11:16. Octavio speaks
into tape recorder...
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188. thus leaving crucial evidence.
Stupid idiot.
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189. Octavio must be gotten rid of.
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190. "Dear Octavio...
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191. "this is the hardest letter...
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192. "I've ever had to write."
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193. Silence on the tee.
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194. Keep your left arm straight.
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195. Yes!
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196. Actually, Bobby told
me about that one.
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197. Chip, you modest son of a gun.
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198. What will you have, Chip?
A can of Thompson's Water Seal?
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199. Hello.
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200. Help!
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201. Can I help you?
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202. Yes. I would like
to purchase some chloroform...
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203. a roll of duct tape,
and this gagging bandana.
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204. Oh, dang.
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205. Looks like a penalty stroke.
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206. No, sir. That's a
temporary water hazard.
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207. Free drop, no nearer to the hole,
no penalty.
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208. All right. How did you learn
so much about golf?
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209. I've seen Happy Gilmore 50 times.
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210. I hate Adam Sandier.
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211. Yeah. He's all poo-poo jokes.
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212. You don't have to work
blue to be funny.
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213. - Amen to that.
- Dad.
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214. I'm starting to get a
ventriloquist's tan.
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215. No one likes a whiner, Bobby.
Right, Chip?
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216. Right.
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217. Mr. Popper?
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218. Caught you in the act.
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219. It's you, kid.
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220. I thought it was that thieving nurse
coming back for the other cufflink.
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221. I hope I'm not disturbing you, sir.
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222. He was disturbed
before you got here.
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223. Sorry. Old habits.
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224. So, how is that crazy wooden bastard?
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225. Great. Everybody loves Chip.
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226. It's just...
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227. Well, when you and
Chip were partners...
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228. did you ever get the feeling...
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229. that the audience liked him
better than you?
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230. Of course. Chip was the star.
And he got paid better, too.
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231. That's a joke from my act.
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232. - That didn't make you crazy?
- Of course it did.
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233. I wanted to be known
for more than just Chip Block.
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234. At one point I even shelved him
and hit the road solo.
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235. I did sound effects.
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236. I was the first guy
to do windshield wipers.
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237. A few weeks later
the audience stopped coming.
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238. After my second cry for help...
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239. I decided it was better
to be on the edge of the spotlight...
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240. than not be there at all.
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241. Yeah, I hear you.
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242. It's almost 4:00.
I'll let you get ready for dinner.
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243. Do me a favor, will you?
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244. Tell the nurse you couldn't find me.
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245. I'm gonna get
that thieving slut.
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246. Bobby, I'm heading over
to the hardware store.
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247. And I bet the guys there would get
a kick out of Chip's...
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248. "Jimmy Johnson varnishing his hair"
routine.
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249. The show must go on.
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250. Dad, Chip is gone!
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251. Is this part of your new act?
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252. I don't get it.
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253. I don't know where he is,
but there were signs of a struggle.
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254. Think. Now, retrace your steps.
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255. - Chip!
- No!
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256. Dale, are you nuts?
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257. You'll never put that
creep back together.
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258. I mixed him in with two chairs
and a toboggan.
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259. You're next. I'm kicking
your ass through that thing.
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260. You wouldn't hit an unconscious man.
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261. I think I'm gonna be sick.
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262. You know what?
Maybe this is all for the best.
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263. Maybe you're right.
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264. What do we really need
Chip for, anyway?
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265. Now you're talking, Dad.
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266. Yep. Think about it.
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267. If we build a new Chip,
we could make him perfect.
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268. Don't get me wrong, Chip was great.
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269. But his neck wasn't really thick enough to
play football, at least not competitively.
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270. And if his ears didn't stick out
so much, he could wear a helmet.
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271. I'll be at my workbench
cobbling together...
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272. something I can be proud of.
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273. Bobby, catch.
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274. The spring-loaded arm needs
a little tightening...
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275. but the new Chip will finally
be able to throw a football.
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276. You know, Dad, I could just use
my sock and a magic marker.
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277. A sock never had an arm like this.
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278. Or legs that could scramble
like Roger "The Dodger" Staubach's.
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279. And I bet that sock
doesn't have Troy Aikman's jawline.
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280. - Okay.
- It'll be fun, Bobby.
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281. It's kind of like I'm building you
a big brother.
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282. Yeah.
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283. Okay, let's see here.
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284. Sorry, Bobby. But I
can't tighten that arm.
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285. Dad, this yahoo thinks the Rangers...
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286. are philosophically
a National League team.
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287. - "Yahoo."
- That's fine. Peggy?
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288. What gets out 32-year old blood?
Club soda, right?
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289. I'm gonna go watch the Rangers...
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290. philosophically kick
the Yankees' butts.
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291. I'll watch the game. Anybody else in?
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292. Not me. I've got to spiff up...
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293. my old Pop Warner
jersey for Chip No. 2.
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294. Peggy, you know that hair
we always find in the drain?
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295. You don't just throw that out, do you?
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296. Wait a minute. Bill!
He has bags of hair at his house.
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297. Hank, your son is outside
throwing a football in the air...
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298. and trying his damnedest to catch it.
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299. Maybe he'd get a few less bruises
if you spent some time with him.
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300. That's why I'm trying to finish
the new Chip ASAP.
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301. So we can start spending
more time with Bobby again.
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302. All right, then. I will let you
play with your doll.
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303. And, you know,
if there's any lumber left over...
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304. you might want to use it to build
the wife you've always wanted, too.
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305. And Staubach
goes back to throw.
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306. He's in the pocket.
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307. Dad, I got Mr. Dauterive's
old Pop Warner jersey.
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308. You know, for the act. Me and Chip 2.
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309. I mean, Chip 2 and me.
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310. You got to give the star top billing.
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311. Yeah. But I think in this case,
you'll agree...
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312. both stars deserve top billing.
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313. It looks just like me.
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314. It's even got my haircut.
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315. Yeah. I've still got a few more holes
to drill along the scalp.
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316. You know, to even out the hairline.
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317. Hey!
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318. These are my short pants from
when I was three.
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319. Yeah. I found them in my rag bag.
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320. I don't know, Dad.
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321. Short pants don't really belong
on a football field.
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322. That's okay. You don't, either.
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323. Isn't Iran Chef on?
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324. Yeah. Let's go watch Iran Chef
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325. You know, the Rangers are playing
the Yankees right now.
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326. Iron Chef. Iron Chef.
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327. Iron Chef. Iron Chef.
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328. Sorry, Dad. it's two against one.
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329. Yeah. I guess you're right.
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330. Froggy went a-courting
and he did ride uh-huh
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331. Uh -h uh
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332. Froggy went a-courting and he did ride
Uh-uh
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333. Uh-huh.
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334. Look, Peggy-
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335. Look at me with my two sons.
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336. Froggy went a-caurtin'
and he did ride
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337. Sword and pistol by his side
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338. Froggy went a-courtin' and he did ride
Uh-huh
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339. "Dear Octavio...
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340. "it has come to my attention...
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341. "that a man claiming to be Dale
Gribble recently fired you."
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342. Perim eter brea ch.
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343. Perimeter breach?
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344. You'll never catch Dale...
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345. You're right, Bobbies.
Ventriloquism is fun.
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