1. A Texas Native license plate.
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2. It's got that new license plate smell.
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3. Boy! A set of those
sure would look sharp on my truck.
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4. Heck, they'd look sharp anywhere.
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5. I tell you what, man...
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6. talking about them, they add 20%
on the blue-book value, man.
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7. That is a capital idea with a capital
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8. Then all three of us will have them.
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9. No offense, Bill,
you being from Loseranna.
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10. And my plates usually
are so covered with mud anyway.
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11. I really want one!
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12. It's okay, Bill, you can ride with me
after I put my new plates on.
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13. - I don't care where you're from.
- Thank you, Hank.
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14. Just duck down
whenever I pass another real Texan.
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15. Any sign of my birth
certificate yet?
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16. To be perfectly honest, no.
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17. I'd better call my mom.
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18. I'm pretty sure the license people are
gonna need to see a birth certificate.
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19. Otherwise, you'd have
a bunch of Oklahomans...
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20. trying to get Texas Native plates.
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21. - Hello?
- Mom?
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22. Look, this isn't a social call.
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23. I'm just phoning to get a copy
of my birth certificate.
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24. Your birth certificate?
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25. Well, what makes you think
I'd have something like that?
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26. Because I wouldn't. And I don't.
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27. - That was weird.
- Well, I found my birth certificate.
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28. Seven pounds, six ounces. Perfect.
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29. Hey, Dad.
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30. I got you a little housewarming
present. A basket of fruit.
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31. Peggy made it up for you.
It's mostly oranges.
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32. Is that a kiwi in there?
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33. - You know how I feel about hairy fruits.
- Yeah.
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34. So—-
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35. Hey, when you were packing
up the house in Houston...
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36. did you happen to come across
my birth certificate?
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37. You think I got enough room in this
cracker box for your baby crap?
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38. Well, maybe you could have
kept my birth certificate...
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39. and tossed out some of those videos.
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40. Those videos are of G.H.
They mean something to me.
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41. Didi, get the camera.
He's doing it again.
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42. If I didn't know those two
hadn't spoken in four years...
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43. I'd swear they were
in some kind of conspiracy.
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44. Well, either this is your dream
and I am in it...
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45. or this is your life and your parents
are acting weird...
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46. because you're adopted.
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47. Adopted?
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48. - No, my dad hates adopted children.
- Exactly.
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49. Which is why Cotton
treats your brother G.H...
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50. who we know for sure is not adopted
much better than you...
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51. whose parentage is,
let's face it, a question mark.
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52. My mom wouldn't just hang up on me
for no reason.
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53. God, maybe I really am adopted!
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54. Well, there would be clues.
Think back to when you were a child.
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55. Now, Hank,
did your parents ever tell you...
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56. you were adopted?
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57. - Hank?
- Hank.
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58. How do I even know that's my name?
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59. My real parents
might have called me Henry...
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60. or Chris.
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61. God, Peggy. What if I'm a Chris?
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62. Well, if I was adopted that means
my real dad could be anybody.
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63. Hey, maybe even Tom Landry.
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64. I do have his strong chin
and love for the flex defense.
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65. I wonder if I would have called him
Dad or Coach?
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66. Who am I kidding? It
would have been sir.
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67. Before we sue the Landry estate
for child support...
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68. I'm gonna need your social.
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69. 135-016-629.
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70. Now we download, enter.
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71. 9%, 57%, 100%.
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72. Hank, are you standing on the cable?
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73. It says here your birth parents
were Tillie and Cotton Hill.
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74. Well, I guess that's a relief.
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75. At least I can keep loving my mom.
Let me take a look.
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76. "Place of birth: New York, New York?"
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77. How come you never told me
I was born in New York?
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78. What? New York?
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79. You wasn't. You was adopted.
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80. Yeah. Worst $50 I ever spent.
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81. Could've got me a matching pair
of Chinese babies for $10.
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82. I was born in New York
City, of your seed.
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83. Hank!
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84. I always knew the day would come...
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85. when I'd have to tell you
the whole sad story.
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86. Maybe it was my fault
for loving your mother so much...
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87. back when she was still worth loving.
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88. Tillie had always wanted
to see New York City.
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89. She heard about it at
the beauty parlor.
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90. Well, you weren't due
for another few weeks...
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91. so I bought Tillie
a fancy new maternity dress...
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92. and took her to the Rainbow Room.
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93. A place as romantic
as it was expensive.
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94. How your mama loved to dance!
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95. Maybe I dipped he! too hard or maybe
Old Blue Eyes greased the rail.
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96. Next thing I know we're trying to keep
you from making your debut on Broadway.
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97. Three days later
we took a premature bundle of you...
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98. back to Texas.
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99. I never told you because I didn't think
you were man enough to handle it.
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100. Not being born in Texas, you weren't!
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101. Well, thank you, I guess
for not leaving me there.
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102. Don't thank me. Thank your mother.
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103. No. I mean, don't mention
anything to her.
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104. She's never forgiven herself
for birthing you outside Texas.
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105. It'd kill her if she
knew you found out.
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106. Well, maybe it should.
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107. I don't mean that.
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108. Topsy, remember that thing we said
we were gonna do but never did?
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109. No, we did that.
We did the hell out of that.
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110. I mean that other thing.
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111. I think it's time
we finally completed our mission.
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112. Peggy, being born in New York
makes me no better than Tony Randall.
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113. Now, Hank, if being born here
is so important...
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114. why did you marry me?
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115. I didn't marry you right away.
Believe me, I had to pray on it.
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116. Maybe you should have opened your eyes
and then your Bible, Hank.
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117. "Red and yellow, black and white...
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118. "we are all precious in His sight."
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119. Nothing in there about New York.
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120. Well, Sodom is in there, Hank,
and Gomorrah.
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121. And they are New York as all get out.
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122. - Yep.
- Yep.
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123. Yep.
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124. Or should I say yadda-yadda-yadda?
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125. - Hank, should I?
- Shut up, Dale.
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126. Boy, you New Yorkers really are rude!
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127. Dad, is what Joseph's been telling
everyone at school true?
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128. About where you're from?
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129. I'm sorry, Bobby.
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130. - I'm from New York.
- Get out!
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131. I always knew
I had a little New York in me.
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132. Now I know where it came from.
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133. Did you meet Woody Allen
and hang out in the Village?
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134. I left when I was
three days old, okay?
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135. - Ever think about moving back?
- No!
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136. Erwin, get in here and give me a hand.
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137. I ain't getting in no damn hole
until I'm dead.
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138. Never mind.
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139. Kill, Topsy, kill!
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140. Look at him go.
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141. Damn it, Dale!
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142. This is for the $20
gift certificate to the Arroyo Diner.
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143. Now, what is the name
of the 50-foot-tall cowboy...
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144. that greets visitors
to the Texas State Fair?
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145. That's easy. It's...
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146. Wait a second.
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147. I know this. Dang it!
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148. - Is it Big Tex?
- That's right.
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149. Big Tex.
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150. Go back to New York!
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151. I can't even drive
like a Texan anymore, Peggy.
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152. I think my truck
might be too much vehicle for me.
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153. Dad, come on, you'll be okay.
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154. You just need
what Mom likes to call closure.
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155. I think we should all go to New York.
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156. The only closure I need
is of your mouth, mister.
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157. Hello.
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158. Mom, Dad told me everything.
I know that I was born in New York.
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159. Hank, I'm so, so sorry.
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160. I wanted to say something,
but I didn't want to hurt you.
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161. Don't pretend
you were looking out for me.
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162. You were looking out for you.
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163. You and your romantic getaway
to the Big Rotten Apple.
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164. Wait! Cotton's trying
to pin this on me?
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165. It was his idea to go to New York.
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166. What? Well, then one of you
is not telling the truth.
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167. Hell, I know it's him.
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168. Your father dragged me
pregnant to New York.
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169. Then he dragged me to a baseball game
at Yankee Stadium.
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170. [It was unseasonably warm
that day, and all] wanted was...
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171. A glass of water?
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172. Suck on a pebble
and keep looking storked out.
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173. You're our ticket through
the police line.
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174. Well, Fidel, you should have
stayed in Washington...
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175. on your unofficial visit.
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176. Now they're gonna have to carry you
out on a seventh-inning stretcher.
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177. Woman with fetus coming through!
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178. Have a cigar,
you weak-chinned Cuban son of a bitch!
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179. Get down!
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180. The baby's coming!
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181. No, not now, woman. Hold it in.
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182. - Go!
- You're running for two, woman.
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183. Let's go!
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184. I was born in the ladies' room
at Yankee Stadium?
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185. And at midnight...
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186. we rendezvous in San Antonio
with one Jorge Lopez.
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187. As you know,
he's half Mexican, half Cuban.
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188. For this job,
we'll be using the half that's Cuban.
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189. How are we gonna get to San Antonio?
We can't all fit in your Cadillac car.
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190. I guess I could take a few people
in my Cadillac car...
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191. but I don't wanna.
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192. You idiot. We can't use our own cars.
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193. Remember how the cops tracked you
down when you hit that fire hydrant?
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194. We're hitting
more than a fire hydrant this time!
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195. I know the truth, Dad.
Mom told me everything.
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196. The ladies' room, Yankee Stadium,
Mr. Fidel Castro.
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197. So, the pig squealed?
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198. Well, I guess I can't blame her.
That's what pigs do.
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199. It's your fault I was born in New York
and I can't drive my truck...
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200. and I tried a bagel and
I actually liked it.
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201. His truck.
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202. No, no more lies. I loved that bagel.
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203. Go to hell!
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204. But I am in hell.
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205. I spent these last 40 years...
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206. tearing myself up for
letting my first son...
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207. be born outside Texas.
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208. - Are you apologizing?
- I think you deserve one.
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209. If I could just shove you back
in your mother...
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210. and do it all over again
in Texas, I would.
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211. Dad!
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212. Tell you what, Hank,
let me make it up to you.
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213. We'll go out tonight, raise some hell.
We'll make you one of us, a real Texan.
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214. And we can all goes in your truck.
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215. Come on, Hank.
All I'm asking for is a second chance.
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216. Well, a real Texas man's night out.
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217. - That's just what I needed, I tell you what.
- Sure. Just give me the keys.
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218. You know, this is the first time
we've gone shooting together...
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219. that you haven't humiliated me.
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220. I'm having a ball.
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221. That's nice. Now, give me the gun.
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222. We still gots to gets...
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223. to San Antonio by midnight
and pick up Lopez.
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224. - Now, who's Lopez?
- Yeah, well...
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225. How's this? Lopez's is the best
barbecue take-out in the state.
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226. Yeah, and this here, too.
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227. Boy, that's a lot of knives and flares
and stuff for...
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228. what, exactly?
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229. That's right.
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230. You go into Lopez's dressed
like a commando, you get half off.
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231. Barbecue at midnight?
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232. Good luck finding that in Manhattan.
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233. There's another Texas plate.
Hank, take a drink.
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234. I'd just like to tell Buck Strickland
to kiss off.
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235. The Alamo!
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236. Oh, my goodness!
The cradle of Texas liberty.
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237. Hank, every Texan ought to have his
picture taken in front of the Alamo.
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238. Would you be in it with me, Dad?
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239. No, but I'll let you hold today's
newspaper and Topsy's gun.
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240. Make you look like a real Texan.
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241. Now what does a newspaper have to—
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242. It took you long enough, Slowpez.
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243. - That's Lopez?
- He knows too much.
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244. Huh?
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245. Hank, close your eyes
and put out your hands.
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246. Time for a real Texas surprise.
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247. Topsy, get the rope.
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248. Okay, now I do know too much.
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249. You got me a genuine Texas lasso...
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250. like I wanted for my
ninth birthday, right?
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251. I tell you, Dad, just when I think
I've got you figured out...
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252. Hey, this isn't a lasso,
it's clothesline.
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253. For a New Yorker
you ain't got much street smarts.
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254. I'm not a New Yorker.
I became a Texan when I ate the worm.
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255. You didn't chew it. And
you ain't a Texan.
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256. - You're a patsy from New York.
- Patsy?
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257. But the point of this whole trip
was to leave me drunk and Texan.
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258. The point of tonight is to kill
Castro, and bring back his chin pelt.
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259. What about making me a Texan? Wait.
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260. All this was about trying to frame me?
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261. You won't fry for it.
We're just covering our own tracks.
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262. Who'd believe
you'd be man enough to kill Castro?
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263. Dad, you can't kill Castro.
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264. For God's sake, you're not even
supposed to drive at night.
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265. Now, untie me. The game is over.
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266. Lopez, take his clothes.
Stinky, throw him over the fence.
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267. 41 years old and I
didn't see it coming.
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268. Nice socks!
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269. I've got to hide my nudity.
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270. Hello? Anyone here?
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271. What the...
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272. "These 32 flags...
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273. "honor the birthplaces
of the Alamo defenders.
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274. "Kentucky, Tennessee, Ohio, New York."
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275. New York?
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276. "They were born across America
but they died Texas heroes."
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277. Hello?
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278. Jim Bowie and his knife. Easy now.
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279. Sorry about this, Mr. Crockett.
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280. Why am I wearing the hat?
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281. Thanks for the lift.
I don't normally hitchhike.
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282. Hey!
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283. - Keep moving.
- Yeah. Hold on.
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284. - It's starting to drizzle.
- Suck it up, Stinky.
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285. It rained for 17 days straight
at Guadalcanal.
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286. - Didn't hear you complain then.
- I complained a lot.
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287. Stop!
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288. It's Little Miss New York.
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289. That's enough, Dad.
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290. I may be your son, I
can't change that...
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291. but I'm not about to be your patsy.
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292. Well, I suppose you're...
Sucker punch.
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293. You don't have what it takes
to stop me. Do it, Topsy.
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294. Old-guy breath.
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295. All right. Prepare to cast off.
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296. First we got to figure out
the direction of the wind.
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297. Who's got saliva?
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298. You know, Colonel,
your boy should have come up by now.
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299. Even Topsy can't hold
his breath that long.
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300. What? All right.
Stinky, you'd better get him.
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301. No, don't shoot him!
Jump in and save him!
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302. All right, Dad, it's over.
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303. I've got your spark plugs,
so you're not going anywhere.
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304. We don't need spark plugs.
We'll row to Cuba.
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305. Well, that's how they get here.
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306. I have a doctor's appointment.
I got adult-onset diabetes.
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307. If I don't watch my weight,
they're gonna cut off my foot.
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308. Christ, I'm hungry.
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309. And it's puzzle day at the rec center.
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310. I'm gonna finish
that son of a bitch lighthouse.
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311. Fine, you sissy girls,
I'll do the job myself.
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312. Hell, I'll swim to Cuba
with this wrench between my teeth.
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313. Then I'll pose
as a beautiful female plumber.
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314. And then when a toilet clogs
in the presidential palace...
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315. Ill—-...
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316. I just wanted to kill Castro.
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317. I know, Dad. I know.
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318. Hank, thanks again for calling.
We were starting to get worried.
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319. - Take your hands off me, you gutter slut.
- Daddy.
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320. Hank, informed sources tell me
that you were dead in the water...
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321. and then you came back to life.
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322. So you were reborn in Texas which
means you are now a native Texan.
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323. No, I'm not a native Texan,
I'm just a Texan.
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324. And I am a Texan, too.
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325. I don't remember seeing
any Montana flag at the Alamo.
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326. Well, it wasn't a state yet.
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327. Fine. Everybody's a Texan. Change
planes in Dallas, you're a Texan.
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328. Well, I suppose...
Sucker punch.
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