1. Gentlemen, the John Deere 518R
walk-behind tiller.Copy !req
2. Look at it, son.Copy !req
3. Five-horsepower
Briggs and Stratton engine...Copy !req
4. sixteen heat resistant tines,
13-inch super-lug tires...Copy !req
5. and, if I'm not mistaken,
this model comes with a hat.Copy !req
6. Can I have it?Copy !req
7. Bobby should see this, too.Copy !req
8. Hey, Bobby!Copy !req
9. Now, Bobby, there is a lot
you can learn from PBS.Copy !req
10. Thanks to the support of viewers like me.Copy !req
11. Bobby, come meet
our new rototiller!Copy !req
12. Later, Hank! This is educational TV time!Copy !req
13. What we're about to see is British comedy.Copy !req
14. You may not understand
all of it at first...Copy !req
15. because it's more sophisticated
than what we're used to.Copy !req
16. - That man is wearing a dress.
- Exactly.Copy !req
17. Well, I can't wait any longer. Bobby is
just going to have to watch the tape.Copy !req
18. Look at that.Copy !req
19. What the...Copy !req
20. Oh, posh!
I have a run in my stocking.Copy !req
21. Yes, friends.Copy !req
22. "Made in America" cannot just be
a marketing gimmick like "dolphin-safe."Copy !req
23. It's gotta stand for something.Copy !req
24. What's wrong, Dad?Copy !req
25. This dang rock busted up my rototiller.Copy !req
26. A rock? That is no rock.Copy !req
27. This is an arrowhead, an Indian arrowhead.Copy !req
28. I led a field trip once
to the Museum of Texas Cultures.Copy !req
29. A little girl swallowed one
just like this by mistake.Copy !req
30. She thought it was a rock, too.Copy !req
31. We learned in school,
you don't call them "Indians" anymore.Copy !req
32. You call them "Native Americans."Copy !req
33. It's like saying "same-sex partner"
instead of...Copy !req
34. Bobby!Copy !req
35. Cool, Dad. What is that?Copy !req
36. Some old Indian thing.Copy !req
37. What's it for?Copy !req
38. I don't know much about Indians,
but I do know tools.Copy !req
39. If I had to guess,
I'd say you jam one of these...Copy !req
40. in the back of a white man's skull...Copy !req
41. twist the handle like so, and then
your blood runs out through the hole here.Copy !req
42. Yep. That's what it's for.Copy !req
43. I thought the tribes that
used to live around here were peaceful.Copy !req
44. I'm gonna get to the bottom of this.
I'd hate to use a tool improperly.Copy !req
45. Hi, Nancy.Copy !req
46. Sorry, sug'. Dale's at work.Copy !req
47. Uh, yeah, uh...Copy !req
48. I'm not looking for Dale.Copy !req
49. I'm looking for John Redcorn.Copy !req
50. John Redcorn, it's for you.Copy !req
51. Nancy has a therapeutic massage today...Copy !req
52. for her migraines.Copy !req
53. I found this Indian...Copy !req
54. Native Indian thing in my yard...Copy !req
55. and I was wondering
if you knew what it was.Copy !req
56. It's a tool used for straightening
the shaft of an arrow.Copy !req
57. In a pinch, though, you could jam it
into someone's brain stem, right?Copy !req
58. Yes. But that's true of almost any tool.Copy !req
59. Well, sure, I guess.Copy !req
60. A treasure such as this
is priceless to my people.Copy !req
61. Really? What do you suppose
it's worth to my people?Copy !req
62. A museum or university
might give you $50.Copy !req
63. $50, huh?Copy !req
64. That'd get me a new rototiller blade.Copy !req
65. Hank, think about what you are doing.Copy !req
66. It is wrong to take what belongs
to another person and...Copy !req
67. John Redcorn.Copy !req
68. Well, food for thought.Copy !req
69. - Hey, sign a petition to legalize hemp?
- What's hemp?Copy !req
70. "It's a cheap and durable
source of fibers...Copy !req
71. "that can be used for making
clothing, rope, and paper."Copy !req
72. Typical government over-regulation.Copy !req
73. Why wouldn't they legalize this stuff?Copy !req
74. Well, because, you know, it's basically...Copy !req
75. marijuana.Copy !req
76. The volcano erupted so suddenly...Copy !req
77. the village and everyone in it
were instantly encased in lava...Copy !req
78. creating a snapshot, if you will,
of daily life at that exact moment.Copy !req
79. When we archaeologists go
and develop that snapshot...Copy !req
80. believe me, no one is smiling.Copy !req
81. See you tomorrow.Copy !req
82. That's right,
they're breasts! Big deal!Copy !req
83. Excuse me, Professor, I'm Hank Hill.Copy !req
84. I left a message on your voice mail.
I don't know if you got it.Copy !req
85. It said to press pound...Copy !req
86. The artifact guy, yeah.
You don't have to hit pound.Copy !req
87. What've you got for me?Copy !req
88. Well, I got this arrowhead.Copy !req
89. This here is a shaft-straightener.Copy !req
90. So, what do you think they're worth?Copy !req
91. The arrowhead, that's worth nothing.
That's garbage.Copy !req
92. Want me to throw it away for you?
It's on me.Copy !req
93. How about the other one?Copy !req
94. A cattle tribesman might have
traded this for a new loincloth.Copy !req
95. What's a crotch-sized piece of leather
go for these days?Copy !req
96. - I certainly do not know.
- Can't be more than $10, right?Copy !req
97. Hold on a minute. An Indian friend of mine
said it was sacred.Copy !req
98. Let me explain something to you, Mr. Hill.Copy !req
99. To the Native Americans,
everything is sacred. The sun, the dirt.Copy !req
100. You want to pay me for the air
you've been breathing since you came in?Copy !req
101. I don't want to argue this.
I'll just take the $10.Copy !req
102. Count it. It's all there.Copy !req
103. You had no right
to sell those artifacts.Copy !req
104. This home belongs to the both of us.Copy !req
105. What are you so upset about?
I got $10 for some junk...Copy !req
106. that Bobby would've ended up swallowing.Copy !req
107. Those objects were cultural.
They could have expanded Bobby's mind.Copy !req
108. I, for one, want my son's brain to swell up
as big as it'll go.Copy !req
109. What are you doing?
You're eating fried chicken for breakfast?Copy !req
110. No.Copy !req
111. We're making bones
for Bobby's social studies project.Copy !req
112. It's a Native American necklace,
like the Tonkawa wore.Copy !req
113. I was gonna bring in the arrowhead,
get an A, and maybe even go to college.Copy !req
114. But Mom says
you sold out my future for $10.Copy !req
115. I hope you're happy.Copy !req
116. That's still Mom talking.Copy !req
117. I'm sorry, gentlemen, but we are
not in the market for a new religion.Copy !req
118. Who me?Copy !req
119. I'm an archaeologist.
Professor John Lerner, Ph.D.Copy !req
120. Peggy Hill. I'm a teacher, too.
Substitute Spanish.Copy !req
121. Your husband came to see me
the other day, with a Caddo arrowhead.Copy !req
122. I am the one who first determined
it was not a rock.Copy !req
123. You are a friend to archaeology.Copy !req
124. Archaeology can use all the friends it can
get, with all the red tape we put up with.Copy !req
125. Look at this.Copy !req
126. Those pieces your husband found
weren't worth much, but who knows?Copy !req
127. Tomorrow, if we poke around here a little,
I might find something of cultural value.Copy !req
128. - Please, be my guest.
- No, that's what I'm saying.Copy !req
129. They want paperwork,
the homeowner's signature.Copy !req
130. - Technically, I shouldn't even be here.
- Don't be silly. Give me that.Copy !req
131. I thank you. Archaeology thanks you.Copy !req
132. Most of all, I want you to thank yourself.Copy !req
133. I couldn't.Copy !req
134. For advancing the cause of
knowledge? Come on, I want to hear it.Copy !req
135. - Thank you, Peggy Hill.
- You are welcome.Copy !req
136. The secret is pretending they're special.Copy !req
137. I could have gotten the title to her house
if I'd complimented her stupid glasses.Copy !req
138. What was that about?Copy !req
139. Nothing.Copy !req
140. The Professor, my friend,
just wanted to know...Copy !req
141. if he could poke around the lawn
for some artifacts. I, of course, said yes.Copy !req
142. How could you do that, Peggy,
without even asking me?Copy !req
143. You sold that arrowhead
without asking me.Copy !req
144. Fine, we're even.
But I think you owe my lawn an apology.Copy !req
145. We're waiting.Copy !req
146. Uh, Peggy?Copy !req
147. You can't just think it.
You've got to say it out loud.Copy !req
148. Hank, I thought you told Dale
not to mow at this hour.Copy !req
149. What?Copy !req
150. That's not Dale's mower.Copy !req
151. That's not a mower at all.Copy !req
152. No!Copy !req
153. "After the referred
to aforementioned antiquities pursuant...Copy !req
154. "to the Public Domain Title 9
of the State Resource Code..."Copy !req
155. I tell you what, man, it's airtight.Copy !req
156. Boomhauer, I didn't understand
a word you just said.Copy !req
157. Damned legalese.Copy !req
158. I never thought I'd see the day
when my own government...Copy !req
159. would go around stealing people's land.Copy !req
160. Think about it, Hank.Copy !req
161. Isn't that what happened
to the peoples who lived here before us?Copy !req
162. What are they doing?
That's my privacy hedge.Copy !req
163. Hi, Uncle Hank. I hope you don't mind,
but I borrowed your razor.Copy !req
164. All right, that's it.
Everybody off my property.Copy !req
165. I said, off! Don't make me call the cops!Copy !req
166. Go right ahead. And while you're at it...Copy !req
167. tell them you're trespassing
on a protected archaeological site.Copy !req
168. What I'm about to say goes against
everything I believe.Copy !req
169. But you played dirty,
and you leave me with no choice.Copy !req
170. You are sued, mister. You're all witnesses.Copy !req
171. You're all being sued, too.
You're the witness to that.Copy !req
172. Here. I want all your names.Copy !req
173. I don't want any "Seymour Butt's
or "I.P. Freely's.Copy !req
174. My wife's a substitute teacher.
I know all the tricks.Copy !req
175. - What do you think it is?
- I'm not sure yet.Copy !req
176. I think it's a clay pot.Copy !req
177. More likely a ceramic bowl.Copy !req
178. - You may be right.
- Would you excuse me?Copy !req
179. You won't believe
what that idiot professor did.Copy !req
180. He got dirt all over my compost heap.Copy !req
181. Hank, please.
Professor Lerner is no idiot.Copy !req
182. In fact, he's a genius.Copy !req
183. That's as far from "idiot" as you can get,
before reaching madness.Copy !req
184. We should invite the professor to dinner.
Bobby could learn a lot from him.Copy !req
185. Don't turn dinner into school, Peggy.Copy !req
186. Dinner's one of the few things
Bobby's good at.Copy !req
187. He is good with the fork and knife.
I grant you that.Copy !req
188. But it's time for him to move
to the next level.Copy !req
189. Learning the art of conversation,
and drinking without a straw.Copy !req
190. I'll never forget when the King Tut exhibit
came to my hometown.Copy !req
191. I'm standing in that museum amongst
these priceless artifacts thinking:Copy !req
192. "I can do better."Copy !req
193. Three years later, I had my first Ph.D.Copy !req
194. From the University of Chicago.Copy !req
195. That's one of the finest schools
in the country.Copy !req
196. School? They don't even have
a football team.Copy !req
197. So you like football, Bobby?Copy !req
198. Did you know that the Caddo Indians
played a game like football?Copy !req
199. They called it Chunkee.Copy !req
200. Only they used sticks, darts,
and rolling disks of stone.Copy !req
201. Tell me more, Professor. Right, Mom?Copy !req
202. All right, if the Caddo
could play Chunkee with a stone disk...Copy !req
203. why couldn't they invent the wheel?Copy !req
204. You cannot just blow my mind and leave.Copy !req
205. Sorry. Big day tomorrow.Copy !req
206. - We're digging up your rose bushes.
- How exciting.Copy !req
207. Maybe you and Bobby'd like to assist me.Copy !req
208. I don't believe it. Our first dig.Copy !req
209. I remember my first dig.
The Finis Frost site.Copy !req
210. That's where I discovered
my first Wahashaw bracelet.Copy !req
211. This is a replica.Copy !req
212. The real one is very fragile
and it doesn't go with this sweater.Copy !req
213. It's just beautiful.Copy !req
214. A man wearing jewelry. That's funny.Copy !req
215. - Like on PBS.
- Bobby!Copy !req
216. A Wahashaw bracelet
is not jewelry. It's a badge of honor.Copy !req
217. A young brave would give one of these to a
girl he liked as a symbol of their bond.Copy !req
218. Wahashaw means "connection."Copy !req
219. But it can also mean much more.Copy !req
220. Kind of like "aloha."Copy !req
221. It means "hello" and "goodbye."Copy !req
222. - Actually, it's more like...
- Well, aloha. Goodbye.Copy !req
223. Before we discuss this
ancient Indian burial ground...Copy !req
224. I'd like to say two things.Copy !req
225. First, thank you to Mrs. Peggy Hill
for organizing this field trip.Copy !req
226. Secondly, if a bony hand
reaches out from the soil...Copy !req
227. and tries to drag you into its grave,
remain calm.Copy !req
228. Seriously, remain calm.Copy !req
229. Who can tell me what Indian tribes
are native to Arlen?Copy !req
230. Mrs. Hill! Enlighten us, please.Copy !req
231. If I'm not mistaken, and I could be...Copy !req
232. the Caddo were the earliest settlers
of this region.Copy !req
233. That's exactly right.Copy !req
234. A high-pressure system
coming in. Moving lower to...Copy !req
235. Where have you been?Copy !req
236. You missed Action Sports,
and half of Action Weather.Copy !req
237. Bobby and I have been in the yard all day,
digging things up.Copy !req
238. By the way, he knows
his cat didn't run away now.Copy !req
239. - What did I miss?
- Another new soccer league.Copy !req
240. Thirty percent chance of rain.Copy !req
241. Rain? I had better warn the professor.
He left the top down on his Saab.Copy !req
242. I guess I'll just go to bed.Copy !req
243. What in God's name...Copy !req
244. Stadium lights, like the Cowboys use.Copy !req
245. Now the professor
can dig all night if he wants to.Copy !req
246. The Cowboys would treasure my lawn,
not turn it into some kind of a freak show.Copy !req
247. It hasn't been all bad, Hank.Copy !req
248. We may have lost a lawn,
but Bobby gained a role model.Copy !req
249. I'm his role model,
not that bracelet-wearing egghead.Copy !req
250. I really don't see
what you have against the Professor.Copy !req
251. We all would benefit
from spending more time with him.Copy !req
252. Now, if you will excuse me,
I really should go warn him.Copy !req
253. His Saab has leather seats.Copy !req
254. All right,
now you take the brush.Copy !req
255. Just ever so gently,
gingerly, sweep it away.Copy !req
256. You're very good at this.Copy !req
257. I know what you're thinking, Hank,
and it's not true.Copy !req
258. Every once in a while a guy suspects
his wife has a thing for another man.Copy !req
259. That's not what I'm thinking at all.
I'm thinking about...Copy !req
260. cheese logs.Copy !req
261. My Nancy's going to Corpus Christi
this weekend for some migraine workshop.Copy !req
262. I'm suspicious as hell.Copy !req
263. See ya, sug'.Copy !req
264. Feel better. Bring me back a shot glass.Copy !req
265. Good thing John Redcorn's going with her.
He can keep an eye on things.Copy !req
266. - What are you making?
- I'm making a problem go away.Copy !req
267. - What you got, possums?
- No.Copy !req
268. - This jerk archaeologist who...
- You know what works for me?Copy !req
269. You slip a capful of arsenic
into a side of bacon.Copy !req
270. That would be murder, Bill.Copy !req
271. What do you think would happen
if this know-it-all...Copy !req
272. found a fake artifact,
and thought it was real?Copy !req
273. What would Peggy think of him then?Copy !req
274. I mainly just know about possums.Copy !req
275. - Find anything?
- Not yet.Copy !req
276. You've been at it all morning.Copy !req
277. Think you'd have
turned up something by now.Copy !req
278. Archaeology is a game of patience.Copy !req
279. That sounds a lot like fishing.Copy !req
280. Sometimes when you're not having
any luck in one spot...Copy !req
281. you move to a new spot, like over there.Copy !req
282. That's where I'd fish, right over there.Copy !req
283. Professor, come quick!
I found something!Copy !req
284. Peggy, no! Leave that alone.
You don't know what you're doing.Copy !req
285. Is that what you think?Copy !req
286. I'm not quite sure Professor Lerner
would agree with you.Copy !req
287. You'd be surprised
what I've learned from him this week.Copy !req
288. What do you suppose it is, Professor?Copy !req
289. Oh, no. Tell us what you
think it is, Peggy.Copy !req
290. Okay. Well...Copy !req
291. This is most likely
a Tonkawa warrior necklace...Copy !req
292. made from...Copy !req
293. the finger bones of his enemy.Copy !req
294. Really? Finger bones. Fascinating.Copy !req
295. How did you come to that conclusion?Copy !req
296. They're bones,
and they're the size of fingers.Copy !req
297. So I just put two and two together,
and I added a thumb.Copy !req
298. I just got a crazy idea.
Let's find out what it really is.Copy !req
299. Scott?Copy !req
300. - Looks like a bunch of chicken bones.
- Correct! Barbara?Copy !req
301. Scratched up with a belt sander.Copy !req
302. Of course. Andrea?Copy !req
303. - And strung together with kite string.
- Bingo!Copy !req
304. They make it look so easy, don't they?
You know their secret?Copy !req
305. - They are archaeologists.
- What?Copy !req
306. I don't understand.Copy !req
307. I get it. Archaeologists.Copy !req
308. I am such an idiot.Copy !req
309. Don't you believe it, Peggy!
They're not so smart.Copy !req
310. I didn't use kite string.
I used baling twine. Ha!Copy !req
311. You? But why?Copy !req
312. It's not enough that you think I'm stupid?Copy !req
313. - You have to make me look stupid, too?
- What?Copy !req
314. I wasn't trying to... You're the
only one around here I actually respect.Copy !req
315. I was trying to make him look stupid.Copy !req
316. Don't tell me you were jealous.Copy !req
317. No! I was just...Copy !req
318. mad because you were spending
all your time with that guy...Copy !req
319. and I wanted you to spend it with me.Copy !req
320. Jealousy had nothing to do with it.Copy !req
321. Oh, Hank...Copy !req
322. I have something in my eye,
but I am also crying.Copy !req
323. - What are you laughing at?
- It's funny, isn't it?Copy !req
324. I could have scored with your wife
for the price of a fake bracelet.Copy !req
325. What?Copy !req
326. Okay. You pushed me in.Copy !req
327. Whatever it takes
to make you feel good about yourself.Copy !req
328. Mr. Hill, violence doesn't solve anything,
so why don't we just discuss this like...Copy !req
329. Know what's ironic about this?
You're the one who looks stupid now.Copy !req
330. So you're stronger than I am.
You've proven that. Fine.Copy !req
331. I'm starting to enjoy this,
really! I want you to push me in the hole!Copy !req
332. I'm starting to enjoy this,
really! I want you to push me in the hole!Copy !req
333. - Please, push me in the hole!
- Okay.Copy !req
334. You'll get tired
of this long before I do.Copy !req
335. You'll get tired
of this long before I do.Copy !req