1. This grout is supposed
to stay white for 20 years.Copy !req
2. What's it been? 17, 18?Copy !req
3. - Peggy, where's that receipt?
- Uncle Hank!Copy !req
4. Don't you know not to barge in
here when I'm in the shower?Copy !req
5. For goodness sakes, Hank,
you are fully clothed.Copy !req
6. This time!
Next time, I might not be so lucky.Copy !req
7. Just look at Ladybird.Copy !req
8. Ladybird, didn't Luanne
make you look pretty?Copy !req
9. Pretty dog. Who's a pretty dog?Copy !req
10. Get that stuff off of her.
She looks like Fran Drescher.Copy !req
11. I didn't put it on. Your dog ate
all my cruelty-free makeups.Copy !req
12. Honey, calm down. If she tries
it again, you just give her...Copy !req
13. a little tap on the fanny
with a rolled-up newspaper.Copy !req
14. I spent extra money to buy cruelty-free!
I'll do a lot more than "tap" her!Copy !req
15. I found a spark plug.Copy !req
16. Great! Now all we need
are five more of those...Copy !req
17. an engine, four wheels,
some kind of frame...Copy !req
18. and a cassette radio,
and we got our death cart!Copy !req
19. Hey, look what I found.Copy !req
20. A Manitoba 100.Copy !req
21. "The official cigarette of...Copy !req
22. "of the Royal Canadian
Mounted Police."Copy !req
23. Wow!Copy !req
24. I never had one of those.Copy !req
25. You ever had any cigarette?Copy !req
26. Well, no. How about you?Copy !req
27. Only secondhand from my dad.Copy !req
28. You wanna spark it?Copy !req
29. Now! Now!Copy !req
30. Quick! Pull the knob!Copy !req
31. Is someone in there?
Is this john occupied?Copy !req
32. Si.Copy !req
33. Bobby? Is that you?Copy !req
34. Do you want to lose a lung?Copy !req
35. If you do, I am sure there is another boy
out there who'd take it in a second!Copy !req
36. Didn't you read this?
"Cancer. Heart disease. Emphysema."Copy !req
37. I thought those were the ingredients.Copy !req
38. Do not be a smart mouth,
young man! I gave up smoking...Copy !req
39. so you'd be free of birth defects,
and this is how you repay me?Copy !req
40. Yeah! You don't know
how hard it is to quit!Copy !req
41. Your mother and I
went through hell trying to...Copy !req
42. Hey, don't recline-o-mite
while I'm talking to you!Copy !req
43. Bobby, smoking is
a nasty, filthy habit!Copy !req
44. Only trailer trash smoke nowadays! Do
you want to look like trailer trash?Copy !req
45. That's not fair! I don't smoke!Copy !req
46. Luanne!Copy !req
47. Lord. Hank, you finish this.Copy !req
48. Honey, you are not trash.Copy !req
49. Just 'cause you grew up in a trailer
and your mama's in prison...Copy !req
50. All right, Joe Camel,
you wanna smoke, let's go smoke.Copy !req
51. Now look here, you are gonna
smoke this entire carton.Copy !req
52. I thought you said
you didn't want me to smoke anymore.Copy !req
53. Oh, this'll take care of that,
believe me.Copy !req
54. I wish my daddy had had the parenting
skills to do this for me, I tell you what.Copy !req
55. Start puffing, boy.
We gotta get through 200 of these.Copy !req
56. Joseph, I understand you smoked
your first cigarette today.Copy !req
57. I'm sorry, Dad. I'll
never smoke again.Copy !req
58. Whoa! Hold on, son!Copy !req
59. I want you to keep an open mind,
so you can make an informed decision.Copy !req
60. If you want, you can read a bloated
government report on smoking...Copy !req
61. or go straight to the horse's mouth and
get the facts from the tobacco industry!Copy !req
62. For God sakes, Bobby,
what nationality are you?Copy !req
63. American.Copy !req
64. Then why are you holding
your cigarette...Copy !req
65. like some kind of European Nazi
in a movie?Copy !req
66. Why does it matter?Copy !req
67. That's not the right sort of attitude
for you to have.Copy !req
68. Whatever you do, you should do right,
even if it's something wrong.Copy !req
69. Okay.Copy !req
70. No, I said American.
Here, let me show you.Copy !req
71. That is not how to inhale, Bobby.
You're hot-boxing it.Copy !req
72. You gotta inhale slow.Copy !req
73. You see?Copy !req
74. Slow like that.Copy !req
75. Okay.Copy !req
76. Wait a minute.
Let me show you one more time.Copy !req
77. Yep, no two ways about it.
Smoking is a filthy, disgusting habit.Copy !req
78. How come you smoked?Copy !req
79. Well, it wasn't as bad
for you back then.Copy !req
80. Wow!Copy !req
81. Pretty keen, huh?Copy !req
82. The trick is
to get your thumb under the filter.Copy !req
83. But, of course, smoking is wrong...Copy !req
84. so you'll have to try this
with a dowel or something.Copy !req
85. Come on. Only one pack left.Copy !req
86. I think I'm gonna barf.Copy !req
87. That's what I wanted to hear.
Good job, son.Copy !req
88. When you're finished,
you wanna get that with a hose?Copy !req
89. You see, raising a boy
is like fixing a radiator.Copy !req
90. You don't talk it
into working right...Copy !req
91. you have to take it out back
and flush it clean.Copy !req
92. What's wrong, Hank?Copy !req
93. Why do you always ask me that?Copy !req
94. What's wrong with you?
How does that sound, for a change?Copy !req
95. Well, I just asked you once.Copy !req
96. Is it about Bobby and
that cigarette today?Copy !req
97. No, I took care of that.Copy !req
98. I made him smoke a whole carton until he
was as sick as he's ever been in his life.Copy !req
99. Hank Hill!
What on God's earth were you thinking?Copy !req
100. He's just a little boy.Copy !req
101. You stunt his growth,
he will stay that way!Copy !req
102. Peggy, it's late. I'm tired.
Let's just go to sleep.Copy !req
103. Okay.Copy !req
104. I gotta go do some stuff.Copy !req
105. I think I might have
left the blender on.Copy !req
106. Hey there, Enrique.Copy !req
107. Sorry, Mr. Hill.
I know I'm not supposed to be smoking.Copy !req
108. Hell, what's a rule for,
if you can't break it once in a while?Copy !req
109. And times got hard after NAFTA
sent the pinata jobs north.Copy !req
110. That's quite a story, Enrique.Copy !req
111. I like stories.Copy !req
112. I like stories about pinatas.Copy !req
113. In fact, I like everything
you have to say.Copy !req
114. Let's me and you visit
your hometown sometime...Copy !req
115. the way you had
the courtesy to come see mine.Copy !req
116. I'd be honored for you
to meet my family.Copy !req
117. And I'd be honored for
you to meet my...Copy !req
118. Oh, no! My wife!Copy !req
119. Hi, Hank.
Honey, can you take a lunch break?Copy !req
120. Sure.Copy !req
121. How do you like that?Copy !req
122. Is your heart racing?Copy !req
123. Are you upset?Copy !req
124. Now you know how I feel
when you eat my make-ups!Copy !req
125. For heaven's sake! That flesh-eating
virus has claimed another victim.Copy !req
126. Don't let it worry you, Peggy.Copy !req
127. Sometimes you just gotta relax...Copy !req
128. and enjoy life for all
its rich, mellow flavor.Copy !req
129. Hank! What are you doing?Copy !req
130. Well...Copy !req
131. Bobby vomited with one pack to go.Copy !req
132. I couldn't throw 'em out.
That would be wasteful.Copy !req
133. But we haven't smoked for 12 years.Copy !req
134. I know, but, well...Copy !req
135. Hey, doesn't the smell take you back?Copy !req
136. Hey, wait a minute.Copy !req
137. Hank.Copy !req
138. That's right.Copy !req
139. That feels like what?
A hundred years ago.Copy !req
140. It doesn't have to.Copy !req
141. Shouldn't we be getting home?Copy !req
142. No, Hank. Let's just
stay a moment longer.Copy !req
143. Oh, boy!Copy !req
144. I feel so alive with pleasure!Copy !req
145. Fine day, isn't it, boy?Copy !req
146. Hank, there is a tile
in the bathroom...Copy !req
147. that I think we missed.Copy !req
148. Really? Well, I better check that out.Copy !req
149. Well, I found the "tile."
Thank you very much, Peggy.Copy !req
150. And I looked at it...Copy !req
151. but there's still some more "tile"
for you to look at.Copy !req
152. You know, I think I will save the rest
of my "tile" for after breakfast.Copy !req
153. Will you stop talking
about your stupid tile?Copy !req
154. If it's so dirty, go clean it!
And if it's clean, you can shut up!Copy !req
155. Hey, I've got an idea!Copy !req
156. Let's go eat at that place
we used to go when we smoked...Copy !req
157. with the jazz combo.Copy !req
158. - Smokey's?
- Yeah, that's the one.Copy !req
159. Yep.Copy !req
160. Yep.Copy !req
161. Yep.Copy !req
162. Mmm. Hmm.Copy !req
163. Hey, man, y'all put that
dang old thing out!Copy !req
164. Y'all gonna light up like that, man, it'll
treat y'all like a dang old junkie!Copy !req
165. Go messing up my head with that dang
old secondary nicotine like that, man.Copy !req
166. Oh, Hank, I thought you gave that up.Copy !req
167. Welcome back, friend!Copy !req
168. I knew this day would come!Copy !req
169. Dale, get off of me.Copy !req
170. Yep, same old Smokey's.
Place hasn't changed a bit.Copy !req
171. Where is old Smokey?
We would love to say hi.Copy !req
172. Smokey's no longer with us.Copy !req
173. I am so sorry.Copy !req
174. It's for the best, darlin'.Copy !req
175. Those last few years
when it spread to his bones...Copy !req
176. Smoking or non-smoking?Copy !req
177. Smoking.Copy !req
178. What's going on in here?Copy !req
179. What're you doing with that
cigarette? You'll burn the house down!Copy !req
180. Hey, all right! You guys smoke, too?Copy !req
181. What we do is none of your business!
I told you not to smoke!Copy !req
182. Do I have to take you out back
with another carton of cigarettes?Copy !req
183. I think you do.Copy !req
184. I cannot believe that
you're all smoking!Copy !req
185. Don't you know that
more people die of smoking than die...Copy !req
186. of war in Vietnam every day?Copy !req
187. I'm begging you, put out your
cigarettes, and keep them out!Copy !req
188. She's right, Hank.Copy !req
189. How can we expect Bobby to quit
when we won't?Copy !req
190. We're the adults.
We have to set an example.Copy !req
191. Hey, that's my rug.Copy !req
192. No one said it was
gonna be easy, son.Copy !req
193. Future non-smokers,
take a look to your left.Copy !req
194. Now take a look to your right.
Who do you see?Copy !req
195. Don't be shy.
There are no wrong answers here.Copy !req
196. - I see a caring human being?
- No.Copy !req
197. You see your buddies
for a better life!Copy !req
198. I've got the strangest feeling
someone's gonna kick his ass.Copy !req
199. Come on, Hank.
Will you just give it a chance?Copy !req
200. Yes, buddy. Give it a chance.Copy !req
201. Bill, what are you doing here?Copy !req
202. Well, I know you think of me
as a pretty together guy...Copy !req
203. but sometimes I need a little help.Copy !req
204. Just six nights a week for 20 years.Copy !req
205. Looks like someone
found a buddy!Copy !req
206. Hey, there. Tell us your name
and how long you've been smoking.Copy !req
207. I'd rather not.Copy !req
208. I understand.
It's not easy to admit we're weak.Copy !req
209. You're calling me weak?
Look at your little birdie arms!Copy !req
210. They're no thicker than a cigarette!
I could smoke them little arms!Copy !req
211. Come on, Dad. Open up.Copy !req
212. Is this your son?Copy !req
213. It's beautiful how you came out
to support your daddy.Copy !req
214. I'm a smoker, too.Copy !req
215. Oh, no! How long have you been
addicted to cigarettes?Copy !req
216. Since my dad let me
smoke a whole carton.Copy !req
217. Wait a minute. I didn't "let" him,
I made him. It was a punishment.Copy !req
218. - Can I get a new buddy?
- What is wrong with him?Copy !req
219. You are sick, sir! You shouldn't
be allowed to have children!Copy !req
220. Now, hold on a minute here. I didn't
bring my family here to be yelled at.Copy !req
221. I don't think I like this club.Copy !req
222. You all whine too much,
and the coffee's bad.Copy !req
223. I tell you what you need to do,
you need to take a 13th step...Copy !req
224. down off your high horse!Copy !req
225. Yeah!Copy !req
226. Here's to three of the bravest
individuals in all of Arlen!Copy !req
227. To the Hills, and their
tobacco-free future!Copy !req
228. My God! Are you still talking?Copy !req
229. Why's my potato got skin on it?
I hate skin!Copy !req
230. I will not sit here
and have my work insulted!Copy !req
231. What? Do you think that potatoes
fly into the bowl and mash themselves?Copy !req
232. I know y'all don't mean
none of those harsh words.Copy !req
233. It's just the nicotine withdrawal.Copy !req
234. Why is she still talking?Copy !req
235. Oh, my God!Copy !req
236. Drop it.Copy !req
237. Drop. Drop it.Copy !req
238. Bobby, Hank, hold on. I got it.Copy !req
239. When's this thing supposed to kick in?
It's not working!Copy !req
240. It's broken!Copy !req
241. Bobby, the patch goes
on your shoulder!Copy !req
242. Bobby!Copy !req
243. Bobby, spit it out! Spit it out!Copy !req
244. Hank, you hold him,
I'll go get a stick!Copy !req
245. I wasn't gonna smoke it, I swear.Copy !req
246. I know. You did it.Copy !req
247. Good boy. Here's your treat.Copy !req
248. Bobby! Aunt Peg! Come in here!Copy !req
249. Uncle Hank's clean.
He's gonna be okay.Copy !req
250. Oh, yeah? Good job. Well done.
So proud.Copy !req
251. Let's celebrate. I'll
make an icebox cake.Copy !req
252. Bobby, why don't you...Copy !req
253. Hey...Copy !req
254. Where's Aunt Peggy?Copy !req
255. The cigarette's gone!Copy !req
256. Mom!Copy !req
257. I found her.Copy !req
258. Close the damn door!
Can't you see that I am knitting?Copy !req
259. Mom, hand over the cigarette!Copy !req
260. No!Copy !req
261. Mom, this is not your son.
This is your buddy.Copy !req
262. - No!
- Hand it over!Copy !req
263. Who's your buddy? Who's your buddy?Copy !req
264. Well done, Bobby.Copy !req
265. - Hey, wait a minute!
- Give me that. I'm your mother!Copy !req
266. All of you, just stop it!Copy !req
267. Give me that!Copy !req
268. You want the cigarette?
You want it so bad?Copy !req
269. Come and get it! Come on!Copy !req
270. Hey! Out of there!
What are you doing, Luanne?Copy !req
271. Unlock this door right now!Copy !req
272. I'm crating y'all in
like an unruly dog!Copy !req
273. I am sick of dysfunctional families!Copy !req
274. I came from one, and I'm not
gonna let it happen to you!Copy !req
275. Function! Function, damn you!Copy !req
276. Okay.Copy !req
277. Women and children first.
I take the first puff.Copy !req
278. Bobby here gets the second.Copy !req
279. If there's anything left, you!Copy !req
280. Who are you trying to kid? We all
know there won't be anything left.Copy !req
281. Let's you and me split it, Peg.
It'll be romantic.Copy !req
282. You know, like the old days,
before he came along!Copy !req
283. Mama, it's your son.
Nine months inside, remember?Copy !req
284. Those were good times, too!Copy !req
285. I don't know.Copy !req
286. This is happening too fast.
I just don't know.Copy !req
287. I do. Come on, Bobby.Copy !req
288. You and me can take her.
You go high, I'll go low.Copy !req
289. Hey, back off!Copy !req
290. I will drop it! I will!
I will drop this!Copy !req
291. No!Copy !req
292. Well, look at us. At
each other's throats.Copy !req
293. And after all we've been through!Copy !req
294. This family has survived
fires and twisters...Copy !req
295. and every strain of flu
the Orient could throw at us!Copy !req
296. Well, we are not gonna be done in
by a lousy tobacco leaf!Copy !req
297. We are gonna make it! Together!Copy !req
298. Now, who's with me?
Hands in the center! Come on!Copy !req
299. Oh, Hank.Copy !req
300. I know.Copy !req
301. Isn't it the most beautiful day
you've ever seen?Copy !req
302. What a day to be alive!Copy !req
303. - Hey, Dad! Over here!
- Go deep, Bobby!Copy !req
304. Hey, Bobby! Over here!Copy !req
305. All right.Copy !req
306. Me! Me, now!Copy !req
307. Over here, Peggy!Copy !req
308. Okay.Copy !req
309. Y'all listen up, man.
This is Boomhauer.Copy !req
310. This is your lungs on air.
This is your lungs on smoke.Copy !req
311. See the difference, man?Copy !req
312. It'll stunt your growth all over.
End up in a dang old hospital bed...Copy !req
313. like Morton Downey Jr.,
Robert Downey Jr., or even worse, man.Copy !req
314. Y'all talk about oral gratification.Copy !req
315. All that dang. It's gonna give you
a low sperm count, man.Copy !req
316. Give you ear hair, yo.Copy !req
317. It just ain't no good.Copy !req