1. Yep.Copy !req
2. Yep.Copy !req
3. Yep.Copy !req
4. Mm-hmm.Copy !req
5. You know what it could be?Copy !req
6. That damn starter motor.Copy !req
7. You getting good compression?Copy !req
8. Yeah.Copy !req
9. I know what's wrong with it.Copy !req
10. It's a Ford.Copy !req
11. You know what they say
"Ford" stands for, don't you?Copy !req
12. It stands for "Fix it again, Tony."Copy !req
13. You're thinking of a Fiat, dale.Copy !req
14. Fix… It… Again.Copy !req
15. I tell you what you do,Copy !req
16. you just take them dang ol' spark plugs
out that little hole.Copy !req
17. You just put a little oil round there.Copy !req
18. It'll go bu-bu-boom! Just like that.Copy !req
19. Well, I wish it were
that simple, Boomhauer.Copy !req
20. But I'll tell you
what my truck really needs,Copy !req
21. leadership.Copy !req
22. Detroit hasn't felt any real prideCopy !req
23. since George Bush went to JapanCopy !req
24. and vomited on their auto executives.Copy !req
25. Who's ready?Copy !req
26. Y'all catch the Seinfeld show
last night?Copy !req
27. Yep.Copy !req
28. Aw, hell, I missed it.Copy !req
29. I tell you what. You see that part where
dang ol' George come in there.Copy !req
30. He's talkin' about tastin' his own birdCopy !req
31. and Kramer comes slidin' in.Copy !req
32. I'll tell you what, man,Copy !req
33. them dang ol' New York boys,
just a show about nothin'.Copy !req
34. What you listening to, son?Copy !req
35. I don't think you'd like it.Copy !req
36. Well, why not?Copy !req
37. I like this new generation of music.Copy !req
38. Hello.Copy !req
39. Mother of God, it's all toilet sounds.Copy !req
40. Where did you record this?Copy !req
41. I bought it at the mall.
It's the Funny Phone Jerks.Copy !req
42. Let me tell you, Bobby.Copy !req
43. There's nothing funny about these sounds.Copy !req
44. What that person on your tape hasCopy !req
45. is a medical disorder.Copy !req
46. Now, get ready for the game, okay?Copy !req
47. Yes, sir.Copy !req
48. That boy ain't right.Copy !req
49. Oh, God!Copy !req
50. Luanne, I thought you went home.Copy !req
51. No, Uncle Hank.Copy !req
52. Mom and Dad are still fighting.Copy !req
53. Well, you're welcome to stay.Copy !req
54. But for god's sakes, girl, lock the door.Copy !req
55. I've got a minor son living in this house.Copy !req
56. So, are you ready
to kick some wildcat butt, Bobby?Copy !req
57. Okay.Copy !req
58. Now, don't you worry, son.Copy !req
59. You just do your best.Copy !req
60. Don't listen to her, Bobby.Copy !req
61. If you want to win,Copy !req
62. you're going to have to do better
than your best.Copy !req
63. How do I do that?Copy !req
64. You got to give 110 percent.Copy !req
65. That's what'll give you that winning edge.Copy !req
66. But what if the wildcats
give 110 percent, too?Copy !req
67. Well, then you got to try even harder.Copy !req
68. How about if Bobby gave 112 percent?Copy !req
69. Sure. That'd work.Copy !req
70. Or maybe 113.Copy !req
71. Yeah, yeah, that's even better.Copy !req
72. Mm. No, Uh-uh. I don't know.Copy !req
73. 13 is a very unlucky number.Copy !req
74. Look. We're not talking about 13.Copy !req
75. We're talking about 113 and even…Copy !req
76. Okay, give 112. What's the difference?Copy !req
77. Look, Bobby,
just do your best, okay?Copy !req
78. Swing, Bobby!Copy !req
79. Swing! Swing!Copy !req
80. Y'all did dang ol' did… ball one.Copy !req
81. Good eye, honey. Good eye.Copy !req
82. Aw, for crying out loud.Copy !req
83. Bobby, you can't make an omelet
without breaking eggsCopy !req
84. and you can't get on base
without taking a swing.Copy !req
85. The pitcher could walk me, couldn't he?Copy !req
86. Don't play lawyer-ball, son.Copy !req
87. Hit the next one out of the park.Copy !req
88. Run!Copy !req
89. Run! Run!Copy !req
90. Whew!Copy !req
91. Look at the batter, boy.Copy !req
92. Watch the ball.Copy !req
93. Huh? What?Copy !req
94. Hey, don't look at me.Copy !req
95. Keep your eye on the ball.Copy !req
96. Keep my eye on the what?Copy !req
97. Stop looking at me, boy.Copy !req
98. Watch the ball.Copy !req
99. Can't hear you, Dad.Copy !req
100. - Ahh.
- Ohh!Copy !req
101. Don't worry, Bobby.
You played a good game.Copy !req
102. I got to stop in here for a minuteCopy !req
103. and get me some WD-40 and a tap and die.Copy !req
104. Manager register 47, please.Copy !req
105. I hate this place.Copy !req
106. Excuse me.Copy !req
107. Where's the hardware department?Copy !req
108. Where is the hardware department?Copy !req
109. Um, hmmph.Copy !req
110. What exactly is it you're looking for?Copy !req
111. The hardware department.Copy !req
112. Yeah, but are you looking
for a tool or something?Copy !req
113. What difference does it make?Copy !req
114. Huh. What difference does it make?Copy !req
115. Okay, I'm looking for
a tap and die and WD-40.Copy !req
116. Huh. What is it that you're trying to do?Copy !req
117. I'm trying to buy a tap and die
and some WD-40Copy !req
118. and get out of this godforsaken store.Copy !req
119. Oh. And what is a tap and die?Copy !req
120. Okay, forget it.Copy !req
121. Let's say I want a hammer.Copy !req
122. Do you know what a hammer is?Copy !req
123. That's what I want, a darned hammer.Copy !req
124. Now, where in the hell would I go?Copy !req
125. Hey. That's that Hank Hill
that lives in the block next to us.Copy !req
126. - He sure has a temper, doesn't he?
- He sure does.Copy !req
127. Makes you wonder who gave his boy
that black eye.Copy !req
128. Uh… You're going to have
to pay for that, dude.Copy !req
129. You're fired!Copy !req
130. Ella said she saw Hank hit his son.Copy !req
131. Really? Well, I heard he threatened
a clerk in Mega Lo MartCopy !req
132. with a hammer.Copy !req
133. Did you hear about Hank Hill?
He beat up his son.Copy !req
134. And then some ladies in
Mega Lo Mart tried to stop him.Copy !req
135. And he beat them up, too.Copy !req
136. Well, somebody really ought to report him
for the boy's sake.Copy !req
137. You say he hit his son with a bat?Copy !req
138. No, that is definitely not acceptable.Copy !req
139. I wish I could, ma'am,Copy !req
140. but the regulations say
we can't take custody of the boyCopy !req
141. without an interview.Copy !req
142. Don't you worry. He's in the system now.Copy !req
143. I am on my way.Copy !req
144. Hey, I know what's wrong with your truck.Copy !req
145. It's your quote, unquoteCopy !req
146. pollution controls.Copy !req
147. I heard on talk radio
you don't even need them.Copy !req
148. They're just an egghead government plot.Copy !req
149. How is cutting down on pollutionCopy !req
150. a government plot, Dale?Copy !req
151. Open up your eyes, man.Copy !req
152. They're trying to control global warming.
Get it?Copy !req
153. Glo-bal.Copy !req
154. So what?Copy !req
155. That's code for U.N. Commissars
telling AmericansCopy !req
156. what temperature it's going
to be in our outdoors.Copy !req
157. I say, let the world warm up.Copy !req
158. See what "boutros boutros
golly golly" thinks about that.Copy !req
159. We'll grow oranges in Alaska.Copy !req
160. Dale, you giblet-head, we live in Texas.Copy !req
161. It's already 110 in the summer,Copy !req
162. and if it gets one degree hotter
I'm going to kick your arse.Copy !req
163. What in God's name is that thumping sound?Copy !req
164. Bobby, why don't you
go out and help your Daddy?Copy !req
165. You have been watching
way too much TV, son.Copy !req
166. Huh?Copy !req
167. Come on, Bobby, up.Copy !req
168. No more TV. Turn it off.Copy !req
169. Oh. Oh, god love that poor man.Copy !req
170. There.Copy !req
171. That's better.Copy !req
172. Hello.Copy !req
173. I'm a social worker with the state.Copy !req
174. Would you mind if I talked
to you for a minute?Copy !req
175. Well, sure. Come on in.Copy !req
176. Darn it. There it is again.Copy !req
177. Where is that thumping coming from?Copy !req
178. It's driving me crazy.Copy !req
179. Could be far-off helicopters.Copy !req
180. U.N. Helicopters.Copy !req
181. Dale, what are you doing?Copy !req
182. Give me some light!Copy !req
183. Now! I can't see!Copy !req
184. Ow! My arm!Copy !req
185. Ow! My head! Ow!Copy !req
186. Ow! Ahh!Copy !req
187. Mrs. Hill, would you say
your husband has a bad temper?Copy !req
188. Who, Hank?Copy !req
189. No, Hank is as gentle as a lamb.Copy !req
190. Ahh… Da…Copy !req
191. No more bouncing that ball.Copy !req
192. Hank, we have a visitor.Copy !req
193. So, your assertion, Mr. Hill,
is that Bobby got the black eyeCopy !req
194. at his baseball game?Copy !req
195. That's not my "assertion".
That's what happened.Copy !req
196. - Have you ever hit your son, Mr. Hill?
- No.Copy !req
197. What the heck are you writing?Copy !req
198. All you got to write is one word, "No".Copy !req
199. Mr. Hill, I feel that you're
coming from an anger mindset.Copy !req
200. And if you're projecting
this anger onto meCopy !req
201. it gives me grave concernsCopy !req
202. as to how you facilitate
your son's growth in private.Copy !req
203. Mister, I have not begun to project
my anger onto you.Copy !req
204. Mrs. Hill, how did you get
this here on your forehead?Copy !req
205. Oh, this? Bobby threw his baseball…Copy !req
206. You threw a baseball at your mother?Copy !req
207. Oh, Hank, it was an accident.Copy !req
208. So would this be the same "Baseball"
that gave Bobby the black eye?Copy !req
209. Uh, Dale.Copy !req
210. You sure you want
to mess with Hank's truckCopy !req
211. when he's not around?Copy !req
212. I'm going to help get him
this alternator off.Copy !req
213. Uh, Dale, I think you released
the brake cable…Copy !req
214. Dale!Copy !req
215. No, I didn't.Copy !req
216. I guess I better get going.Copy !req
217. I got some edgin' to do.Copy !req
218. Do you work outside the home, Mrs. Hill?Copy !req
219. Well, yes, I do.Copy !req
220. I'm a substitute Spanish teacher.Copy !req
221. Ios estudiantes son mis ah-migos.Copy !req
222. And you just have the one son?Copy !req
223. Uh-huh.Copy !req
224. Yeah, well, we would've liked
to have more kidsCopy !req
225. - but Hank has a narrow urethra.
- Peggy…Copy !req
226. - In fact, Hank's sperm count…
- That's enough!Copy !req
227. What in the hell did
you tell him that for?Copy !req
228. Well, he asked me.Copy !req
229. He asked you how many kids we have.
He didn't ask you about my glands.Copy !req
230. Please, Mr. Hill?Copy !req
231. Loud is not allowed.Copy !req
232. What the…?Copy !req
233. "Loud is not allowed"?Copy !req
234. Now, you listen to me, mister.Copy !req
235. I work for a living.Copy !req
236. And I mean real work
not writing down gobbledygook.Copy !req
237. I provide the peopleCopy !req
238. of this communityCopy !req
239. with propane and propane accessories.Copy !req
240. Oh, when I think of all
my hard-earned tax dollarsCopy !req
241. going to pay a bunch of little
twig-boy bureaucrats like youCopy !req
242. it just makes me want to…Copy !req
243. Oh-ho… Oh, God, it just…Copy !req
244. God…Copy !req
245. Hank?Copy !req
246. Honey, bring me my BC Headache powder
and a glass of water.Copy !req
247. All right, Hank.Copy !req
248. Now, you listen here.Copy !req
249. You see that boy? That's my boy…Copy !req
250. And if you ever try to take him away,
so help me, God,Copy !req
251. I'll tear you a new one
bigger than the grand canyon.Copy !req
252. Now, I want youCopy !req
253. to get out of my house.Copy !req
254. You're not welcome here.Copy !req
255. I mean now! Before I give you a black eye!Copy !req
256. Git!Copy !req
257. You want to know about old Hank?Copy !req
258. Well, Hank's got a lot of problems.Copy !req
259. Hey, baby! How about a couple of beers?Copy !req
260. Sorry, sug, got to go.Copy !req
261. I got another Migraine treatment
with John Redcorn.Copy !req
262. Nancy, you been going to thatCopy !req
263. healer for 12 years,Copy !req
264. and you still get
headaches every night.Copy !req
265. Healing process takes time, honey.Copy !req
266. Getting back to the Hill family,Copy !req
267. have you ever seen Hank
hit his child, Bobby?Copy !req
268. Hank? No, sir.Copy !req
269. Bobby's his pride and joyCopy !req
270. 'cause of his narrow urethra.Copy !req
271. - Are you absolutely sure?
- Hundred percent.Copy !req
272. You can ask my son.
He's Bobby's best friend.Copy !req
273. Joseph!Copy !req
274. What is it, Daddy?Copy !req
275. You ever seen Hank hit Bobby?Copy !req
276. Nuh-uh, never.Copy !req
277. See?Copy !req
278. Now, you can just move along now.Copy !req
279. I been calling y'all people forCopy !req
280. better than a month now.Copy !req
281. Gripe about y'all every time
that dang old dogCopy !req
282. crosses the street, starts yapping his
jaw, 24 hours a day,Copy !req
283. and nobody answered…Copy !req
284. How are you supposed to come out
and do anything about that dogCopy !req
285. if you're just gonna get a damn computer,Copy !req
286. ain't gonna come over here and shut
that dang old dog up.Copy !req
287. And then some weirdo came overCopy !req
288. and was asking us a bunch of questions.Copy !req
289. Yeah, he asked me if your Dad
ever whupped you.Copy !req
290. - He hasn't, right?
- Of course not.Copy !req
291. You know my Dad. He's all bark.Copy !req
292. Boy, that guy got him mad, though.Copy !req
293. My Dad was like…Copy !req
294. "Get out of my house!Copy !req
295. My boy ain't much, but he's all I got."Copy !req
296. You do great impressions!Copy !req
297. Let me try.Copy !req
298. I'll tear you a new one!Copy !req
299. When I get my hands on you,
you little pea-brainCopy !req
300. I'll bust your butt into little pieces!Copy !req
301. Oh, I knew it.Copy !req
302. Good God, Peggy, this
was on my road and track.Copy !req
303. Luanne!
Luanne, honey, could we talk to you?Copy !req
304. Oh, wait, wait, not while I'm here.Copy !req
305. Mama's in jail.Copy !req
306. She was saving a quart of beer
for before bedCopy !req
307. and Daddy threw it out,Copy !req
308. and she went after him with a fork.Copy !req
309. The trailer tipped over, and
everything went upside-downCopy !req
310. and it'll all be on Real Stories
of the Highway Patrol.Copy !req
311. And the wig I styled for beauty academy
is ruined…Copy !req
312. What am I going to do, Uncle Hank?Copy !req
313. Uh, uh, there, there, uh…Copy !req
314. You can, uh, stay with us
till your mama comes home.Copy !req
315. And you'll, uh, style a new wig
better than before.Copy !req
316. Uh… I'll let you use my tools.Copy !req
317. Oh, thanks, Uncle Hank.Copy !req
318. She has got to go.Copy !req
319. Bobby? Bobby, are you all right?
Come on out.Copy !req
320. I thought I told you to get lost.Copy !req
321. Come on, Bobby.Copy !req
322. I can put you with a nice
foster family in North ArlenCopy !req
323. where you can develop
healthy life adaptations,Copy !req
324. and they've got a pool.Copy !req
325. Honey, let's give him Luanne.Copy !req
326. Hey, I got a girl in here
you can take right now.Copy !req
327. Don't you want to live
in a house with a pool?Copy !req
328. - No.
- See, twig-boy?Copy !req
329. Now, get your skinny butt
off of my property.Copy !req
330. Bobby, I know you can't
talk in front of him.Copy !req
331. I said, get! Get! Get out of here!Copy !req
332. You are out of control!Copy !req
333. You're out of control, twiggy!Copy !req
334. Mm. Thanks for the latte, Kenneth.Copy !req
335. Anthony, could I see you a minute?Copy !req
336. So on this Hill family case,Copy !req
337. you couldn't confirm any actual abuseCopy !req
338. but you still recommended
the State take custody?Copy !req
339. Uh, oh, yeah.
The whole neighborhood was redneck city.Copy !req
340. Did you see in the report
how he dented my geo?Copy !req
341. "Redneck city." That's pretty funny.Copy !req
342. - Where're you from, son?
- Los Angeles.Copy !req
343. Let's see here, "Hit by a baseball."Copy !req
344. So, uh, how did you like old Harvey?Copy !req
345. - Who's Harvey?
- He's the Little League coach.Copy !req
346. You did talk to the
Little League coach, didn't you?Copy !req
347. Son, have you lost your mind?Copy !req
348. Wait… Dad…Copy !req
349. You're not supposed to yell at me anymore.Copy !req
350. The guy from the state saidCopy !req
351. your hostility invalidates
our parent-child contract.Copy !req
352. You're quoting that twig-boy at me?Copy !req
353. Hank, the neighbors…Copy !req
354. Remember, he said loud
is not allowed, Dad.Copy !req
355. Or they'll take me away.Copy !req
356. Oh, God.Copy !req
357. Hello.Copy !req
358. Is this the Hill residence?Copy !req
359. Who am I talking to?Copy !req
360. Bobby Hill.Copy !req
361. Well, son, this is
the State Social Services.Copy !req
362. We're calling off our
investigation of your father.Copy !req
363. The worker that visited youCopy !req
364. will be leaving the office
and going back to LA.Copy !req
365. Now, you please tell your parents
we apologize for the misunderstanding.Copy !req
366. Okay, I'll tell them. Bye.Copy !req
367. Bobby, who was that?Copy !req
368. Uh…Copy !req
369. Wrong number.Copy !req
370. Mm-hm.Copy !req
371. I borrowed your truck
this morning, Uncle Hank.Copy !req
372. It wouldn't start at firstCopy !req
373. 'cause you had a clogged fuel lineCopy !req
374. but I blew it clean.Copy !req
375. Hey, Bobby, go plug
this in the garage for me.Copy !req
376. Okay.Copy !req
377. Want to see something cool?Copy !req
378. What in the heck?Copy !req
379. Don't you see I'm working here?
Close the dang door!Copy !req
380. Uh, Bob… Just keep… Put… Stop!Copy !req
381. Stop hitting that button!Copy !req
382. Give me that thing!Copy !req
383. Dad, that's not respectful
adult-child growth dialogue.Copy !req
384. I'll give you dialogueCopy !req
385. that's not coming from a center of anger.Copy !req
386. Please return the garage door
to its factory pre-set down position.Copy !req
387. That is cool.Copy !req
388. Bobby! Hey!Copy !req
389. Please, uh, respectCopy !req
390. my fence's right to be a fence.Copy !req
391. Now!Copy !req
392. You can't do nothing!Copy !req
393. - Ahh, ahh. Hey, hey.
- You can't do anything!Copy !req
394. You're all wet, Dad.Copy !req
395. Kreeeek.Copy !req
396. Thump, thump, thump…Copy !req
397. What on God's green earth
are you making those noises for?Copy !req
398. They're sound effects.
Like that guy on police academy?Copy !req
399. That's what I'm going to do
when I grow up, I decided.Copy !req
400. And Dad can't say "Boo" about it.Copy !req
401. Bobby, a man from the
child protective servicesCopy !req
402. just came by.Copy !req
403. Now, he said that he told you last week
that this investigation was off.Copy !req
404. Oh…Copy !req
405. Please don't tell Dad!Copy !req
406. Well, son, I have to. He's been worried.Copy !req
407. But I like him better this way.Copy !req
408. How come?Copy !req
409. I can make him love me,
even when I screw up.Copy !req
410. Is that what you think?Copy !req
411. It's hard, Peggy.Copy !req
412. I don't want to lose my little boy.
My only son.Copy !req
413. But, oh, it's hard.Copy !req
414. Well, you can relax.Copy !req
415. The investigation has been off for a week.
Only Bobby didn't tell us.Copy !req
416. - I'll kill him!
- All right, calm down, honey.Copy !req
417. Now let me explain.Copy !req
418. He didn't do it to be mean.Copy !req
419. Bobby honestly doesn't think
that you love him all the time.Copy !req
420. That's crazy. 'Course I love him.Copy !req
421. Very good.Copy !req
422. Now, say it to Bobby.Copy !req
423. What are you talking about?Copy !req
424. I want you to tell Bobby
that your love for him is unconditional.Copy !req
425. I can't say that.Copy !req
426. I can't!Copy !req
427. You know how I was raised,
what my father's like.Copy !req
428. I got my shins blown offCopy !req
429. by a Japan-man's machine gun.Copy !req
430. So don't come crying
to me with your problems.Copy !req
431. Honey, I am begging you
for the sake of this familyCopy !req
432. you have got to do it.Copy !req
433. He's waiting for you out on the porch.Copy !req
434. Aw, geez.Copy !req
435. Darn twig-boy comes over here.Copy !req
436. And you got to…Copy !req
437. Uh, you, uh…Copy !req
438. You're my son, uh…Copy !req
439. Well, you know, with everything, uhCopy !req
440. that entails, uh…Copy !req
441. Uh-huh?Copy !req
442. Uh…Copy !req
443. Huh. You know, uh,
feelings of, uh, fondnessCopy !req
444. and more, uh…Copy !req
445. You know what I mean, don't you, boy?Copy !req
446. No.Copy !req
447. Ah… Well, uh…Copy !req
448. Oh. That's a heck of a weird sound.Copy !req
449. I never made that before.Copy !req
450. Uh, I, you, uh, family.Copy !req
451. You're not making this easy on me, boy.Copy !req
452. Okay, I love you no matter what you do.Copy !req
453. There! Whew!Copy !req
454. Let's go get something to eat.Copy !req
455. I'm not…Copy !req
456. Just a big disappointment to you?Copy !req
457. Disappointment?Copy !req
458. No, you make me proud!Copy !req
459. I've been disappointedCopy !req
460. by just about everything
else in this town.Copy !req
461. But you? Not once.Copy !req
462. Darn it, you're my boy.Copy !req
463. You know better than that.Copy !req
464. He punched him!Copy !req
465. I knew it! I told them.Copy !req
466. Did you see that?Copy !req
467. See what, twig-boy?Copy !req
468. Never mind.Copy !req