1. Yep.Copy !req
2. Yep.Copy !req
3. Yep.Copy !req
4. You know what it could be?
That damn starter motor.Copy !req
5. You getting good compression?Copy !req
6. Yeah.Copy !req
7. I know what's wrong with it.Copy !req
8. It's a Ford.Copy !req
9. You know what they say
Ford stands for, don't you?Copy !req
10. It stands for "Fix It Again, Tony."Copy !req
11. You're thinking of a Fiat, Dale.Copy !req
12. "Fix It Again"...Copy !req
13. I'll tell you what you do.Copy !req
14. You take them spark plugs out,
and in that little hole...Copy !req
15. you put oil round there,
just like Bobby Unser said:Copy !req
16. "The shock'd go bo-boom,"
just like that.Copy !req
17. Well, I wish it were
that simple, Boomhauer.Copy !req
18. But I'll tell you
what my truck really needs.Copy !req
19. Leadership.Copy !req
20. Detroit hasn't felt any real pride...Copy !req
21. since George Bush went to Japan...Copy !req
22. and vomited on their auto executives.Copy !req
23. Who's ready?Copy !req
24. You all catch the
Seinfeld show last night?Copy !req
25. - Yep.
- Hell, I missed it.Copy !req
26. See that part where
dang old George comes in there?Copy !req
27. He talks about tasting his own burp.Copy !req
28. And Kramer comes sliding
in just like he always does.Copy !req
29. I tell you what, man,
them dang old New York boys.Copy !req
30. Just a show about nothing.Copy !req
31. What you listening to, son?Copy !req
32. I don't think you'd like it.Copy !req
33. Well, why not?Copy !req
34. I like this new generation of music.Copy !req
35. Hello?Copy !req
36. Mother of God! It's all toilet sounds!Copy !req
37. Where did you record this?Copy !req
38. I bought it at the mall.Copy !req
39. It's the Funny Phone Jerks.Copy !req
40. Let me tell you, Bobby, there's
nothing funny about these sounds.Copy !req
41. What that person on your tape has
is a medical disorder.Copy !req
42. Now you get ready for the game, okay?Copy !req
43. Yes, sir.Copy !req
44. Yes, sir.Copy !req
45. That boy ain't right.Copy !req
46. Oh, God!Copy !req
47. Luanne, I thought you went home!Copy !req
48. No, Uncle Hank,
Mama and Daddy are still fighting.Copy !req
49. Well, you're welcome to stay.Copy !req
50. But for God's sakes,
girl, lock the door.Copy !req
51. I've got a minor son
living in this house.Copy !req
52. So are you ready
to kick some Wildcat butt, Bobby?Copy !req
53. Okay.Copy !req
54. Now don't you worry, son.
You just do your best.Copy !req
55. Don't listen to her, Bobby.Copy !req
56. If you want to win, you're gonna have
to do better than your best.Copy !req
57. How do I do that?Copy !req
58. You gotta give 110 percent.Copy !req
59. That's what'll give you
that winning edge.Copy !req
60. But what if the Wildcats
give 110 percent, too?Copy !req
61. Well, then you gotta try even harder.Copy !req
62. How about if Bobby gave 112 percent?Copy !req
63. Sure, that'd work.Copy !req
64. Or maybe 113.Copy !req
65. Yeah, yeah, that's even better.Copy !req
66. No, I don't know.Copy !req
67. 13 is a very unlucky number.Copy !req
68. Look, we're not talking about 13.Copy !req
69. We're talking about 113.Copy !req
70. And even...Copy !req
71. Okay, give 112, what's the difference?Copy !req
72. Look, Bobby, just do your best, okay?Copy !req
73. Swing, Bobby! Swing! Swing!Copy !req
74. Ball one.Copy !req
75. Good eye, honey, good eye.Copy !req
76. Oh, for crying out loud.Copy !req
77. Bobby, you can't make an omelet
without breaking eggs.Copy !req
78. And you can't get on base
without taking a swing.Copy !req
79. The pitcher could
walk me, couldn't he?Copy !req
80. Don't play lawyer-ball, son.Copy !req
81. Now you hit the next
one out of the park.Copy !req
82. Run!Copy !req
83. Run! Run!Copy !req
84. Look at the batter, boy!
Watch the ball!Copy !req
85. Huh?Copy !req
86. What?Copy !req
87. Hey, don't look at me!
Keep your eye on the ball.Copy !req
88. Keep my eye on the what?Copy !req
89. Stop looking at me, boy!
Watch the ball!Copy !req
90. Can't hear you, Dad!Copy !req
91. Don't worry, Bobby.
You played a good game.Copy !req
92. I gotta stop in here for a minute, and
get me some WD-40 and a tap and die.Copy !req
93. Manager to
Register 47, please.Copy !req
94. I hate this place.Copy !req
95. Excuse me,
where is the hardware department?Copy !req
96. Where is the hardware department?Copy !req
97. What exactly
is it you're looking for?Copy !req
98. The hardware department.Copy !req
99. But are you looking for, like,
a tool or something?Copy !req
100. What difference does it make?Copy !req
101. What difference does it make?Copy !req
102. Okay, I'm looking for a tap and die
and some WD-40.Copy !req
103. Huh.Copy !req
104. Well, what is it you're trying to do?Copy !req
105. I'm trying to buy a tap and die
and some WD-40...Copy !req
106. and get out of this godforsaken store!Copy !req
107. And what is a tap and die?Copy !req
108. Okay! Forget it!Copy !req
109. Let's say I want a hammer!
Do you know what a hammer is?Copy !req
110. That's what I want! A damned hammer!Copy !req
111. Now where in the hell would I go?Copy !req
112. That's that Hank Hill fella
that lives on the block next to us.Copy !req
113. - Has a temper, doesn't he?
- Sure does.Copy !req
114. Makes you wonder
who gave his boy that black eye.Copy !req
115. You're going to have
to pay for that, dude.Copy !req
116. You're fired!Copy !req
117. - Ella says she saw Hank hit his son.
- Really?Copy !req
118. Well, I heard he threatened a clerk
in Mega Lo Mart with a hammer.Copy !req
119. Did you hear about Hank Hill?Copy !req
120. He beat up his son.Copy !req
121. Some ladies in Mega Lo Mart tried
to stop him. He beat them up, too.Copy !req
122. Somebody really ought to report him
for the boy's sake.Copy !req
123. You say he hit
his son with a bat?Copy !req
124. No. That is definitely not acceptable.Copy !req
125. I wish I could, ma'am.Copy !req
126. But the regulations say we can't take
custody of the boy without an interview.Copy !req
127. Don't you worry. He's in the
system now. I am on my way.Copy !req
128. Hey, I know what's
wrong with your truck.Copy !req
129. It's your "pollution control."Copy !req
130. I heard on talk radio
you don't even need them.Copy !req
131. They're just an egghead
government plot.Copy !req
132. How is cutting down on pollution
a government plot, Dale?Copy !req
133. Open up your eyes, man.Copy !req
134. They're trying to
control global warming.Copy !req
135. Get it? Global.Copy !req
136. So what?Copy !req
137. That's code for UN commissars
telling Americans...Copy !req
138. what temperature
it's gonna be in our outdoors.Copy !req
139. I say let the world warm up.Copy !req
140. See what Boutros-Boutros-Ghali-Ghali
thinks about that.Copy !req
141. We'll grow oranges in Alaska.Copy !req
142. Dale, you giblet-head,
we live in Texas.Copy !req
143. It's already 110 in the summer.Copy !req
144. And if it gets one degree hotter,
I'm gonna kick your ass.Copy !req
145. What in God's name
is that thumping sound?Copy !req
146. Bobby, why don't you go out
and help your daddy?Copy !req
147. You have been watching
way too much TV, son.Copy !req
148. Come on, Bobby, up.Copy !req
149. No more TV. Turn it off now.Copy !req
150. God love that poor man.Copy !req
151. There. That's better.Copy !req
152. Hello, I'm a social
worker with the state.Copy !req
153. Would you mind
if I talk to you for a minute?Copy !req
154. Sure. Come on in.Copy !req
155. Damn it. There it is again.Copy !req
156. Where is that thumping coming from?
It's driving me crazy.Copy !req
157. Could be far-off helicopters.Copy !req
158. UN helicopters.Copy !req
159. Dale, what are you doing?Copy !req
160. Give me some light! Now! I can't see!Copy !req
161. My arm!Copy !req
162. My head!Copy !req
163. God!Copy !req
164. Mrs. Hill, would you say
your husband has a bad temper?Copy !req
165. Who, Hank?Copy !req
166. No, Hank is as gentle as a lamb.Copy !req
167. Dang, no more bouncing that ball!Copy !req
168. Hank, we have a visitor.Copy !req
169. So your assertion, Mr. Hill...Copy !req
170. is that Bobby got the black eye
at his baseball game?Copy !req
171. That is not my assertion.
That's what happened.Copy !req
172. - Have you ever hit your son, Mr. Hill?
- No!Copy !req
173. What the heck are you writing?Copy !req
174. All you gotta write is one word, "no"!Copy !req
175. Mr. Hill, I feel that
you're coming from an anger mindset.Copy !req
176. And if you're projecting
this anger onto me...Copy !req
177. it gives me grave concerns
as to how you facilitate...Copy !req
178. your son's growth in private.Copy !req
179. Mister, I have not begun
to project my anger onto you.Copy !req
180. Mrs. Hill, how did you get this
here on your forehead?Copy !req
181. This? Bobby threw his baseball at me.Copy !req
182. You threw a baseball at your mother?Copy !req
183. Hank, it was an accident.Copy !req
184. So would this be the same "baseball"
that gave Bobby the black eye?Copy !req
185. Dale, you sure you want to be messing
with Hank's truck when he's not around?Copy !req
186. I'm gonna help
get him this alternator off.Copy !req
187. Dale, I think you
released the brake cable.Copy !req
188. Dale!Copy !req
189. No, I didn't.Copy !req
190. I guess I better get going.Copy !req
191. I got some edging to do.Copy !req
192. Do you work
outside the home, Mrs. Hill?Copy !req
193. Yes, I do. I'm a substitute
Spanish teacher.Copy !req
194. And you just have the one son?Copy !req
195. Yeah, we would've liked
to have more kids...Copy !req
196. - but Hank has a narrow urethra.
- Peggy!Copy !req
197. - In fact, Hank's sperm count...
- That's enough.Copy !req
198. What in the hell did
you tell him that for?Copy !req
199. He asked me.Copy !req
200. He asked you how many kids we have.
He didn't ask you about my glands.Copy !req
201. Please, Mr. Hill, loud is not allowed.Copy !req
202. What the... "Loud is not allowed"?Copy !req
203. Now you listen to me, mister.Copy !req
204. I work for a living.
And I mean real work.Copy !req
205. Not writing down gobbledygook.Copy !req
206. I provide the people
of this community...Copy !req
207. with propane and propane accessories.Copy !req
208. When I think of all my
hard-earned tax dollars...Copy !req
209. going to pay a bunch of little
twig-boy bureaucrats like you...Copy !req
210. it just makes me want to...Copy !req
211. God, it just...Copy !req
212. Hank?Copy !req
213. Honey, bring me my BC Headache Powder
and a glass of water.Copy !req
214. All right, Hank.Copy !req
215. Now, you listen here.
You see that boy?Copy !req
216. That's my boy.Copy !req
217. And if you ever try to take him away,
so help me God...Copy !req
218. I'll tear you a new one
bigger than the Grand Canyon.Copy !req
219. Now I want you to get out of my house.Copy !req
220. You're not welcome here.Copy !req
221. I mean now,
before I give you a black eye! Git!Copy !req
222. You want to know about ol' Hank?Copy !req
223. Well...Copy !req
224. Hank's got a lot of problems.Copy !req
225. Hey, baby! How about
a couple of beers!Copy !req
226. Sorry, sug', I gotta go.Copy !req
227. I got another migraine treatment
with John Redcorn.Copy !req
228. Nancy, you've been going
to that healer for 12 years...Copy !req
229. and you still get
headaches every night.Copy !req
230. Healing process takes time, honey.Copy !req
231. Getting back to the Hill family.Copy !req
232. Have you ever seen Hank
hit his child, Bobby?Copy !req
233. Hank? No sir, Bobby's
his pride and joy...Copy !req
234. because of his narrow urethra.Copy !req
235. - Are you absolutely sure?
- 100 percent.Copy !req
236. You can ask my son.
He's Bobby's best friend.Copy !req
237. Joseph!Copy !req
238. What is it, Daddy?Copy !req
239. You ever seen Hank hit Bobby?Copy !req
240. No, never.Copy !req
241. See?Copy !req
242. You can just move along now.Copy !req
243. I've been calling y'all
better than a month now.Copy !req
244. Gripe about y'all every time
that dog crosses the street...Copy !req
245. starts yapping his jaw 24 hours a day,
and nobody answered.Copy !req
246. How you supposed to do anything about that
dog if you just get on your computer?Copy !req
247. Ain't gonna come over here
and shut that dang ol' dog up.Copy !req
248. And then some weirdo came over and
was asking us a bunch of questions.Copy !req
249. Yeah, he asked me
if your dad ever whupped you.Copy !req
250. - He hasn't, right?
- Of course not!Copy !req
251. You know my dad. He's all bark.Copy !req
252. That guy got him mad, though.Copy !req
253. My dad was like, "Get out of my house!Copy !req
254. "My boy ain't much,
but he's all I got!"Copy !req
255. You do great impressions.Copy !req
256. Let me try.Copy !req
257. "I'll tear you a new one!Copy !req
258. "When I get my hands on you,
you little pea-brain...Copy !req
259. "I'll bust your butt
into little pieces!"Copy !req
260. I knew it!Copy !req
261. Good God, Peggy,
this was on my Road & Track.Copy !req
262. Luanne! Honey, can we talk to you?Copy !req
263. Wait! Not while I'm here.Copy !req
264. Mama's in jail.Copy !req
265. She was saving
a quart of beer for before bed.Copy !req
266. Daddy threw it out.
She went after him with a fork.Copy !req
267. The trailer tipped over,
everything went upside down.Copy !req
268. It's all gonna be on
Real Stories of the Highway Patrol!Copy !req
269. And the wig I styled
for the Beauty Academy is ruined.Copy !req
270. What am I gonna do, Uncle Hank?Copy !req
271. There, there.Copy !req
272. You can stay with us
till your mama comes home.Copy !req
273. You'll style a new wig
better than before.Copy !req
274. I'll let you use my tools.Copy !req
275. Thanks, Uncle Hank.Copy !req
276. She has got to go.Copy !req
277. Bobby, are you all right? Come on out.Copy !req
278. I thought I told you to get lost.Copy !req
279. Come on, Bobby.Copy !req
280. I can put you with a nice
foster family in North Arlen...Copy !req
281. where you can develop
healthy life adaptations.Copy !req
282. And they've got a pool.Copy !req
283. Honey, let's give him Luanne.Copy !req
284. I got a girl in here you
can take right now.Copy !req
285. Don't you want to live
in a house with a pool?Copy !req
286. No.Copy !req
287. See, twig boy?Copy !req
288. Now get your skinny butt
off of my property.Copy !req
289. Bobby, I know you can't talk
in front of him.Copy !req
290. - I said git! Get out of here!
- Okay.Copy !req
291. - You are out of control!
- You're out of control, Twiggy.Copy !req
292. - Thanks for the latte, Kenneth.
- Anthony, could I see you a minute?Copy !req
293. So on this Hill family case...Copy !req
294. you couldn't confirm any actual abuse,
but you still recommended...Copy !req
295. the state take custody?Copy !req
296. Yeah, I mean, the whole neighborhood
was Redneck City.Copy !req
297. Did you see in the report,
how he dented my Geo?Copy !req
298. "Redneck City." That's pretty funny.Copy !req
299. - Where you from, son?
- Los Angeles.Copy !req
300. Let's see here, "hit by a baseball."Copy !req
301. So...Copy !req
302. How did you like ol' Harvey?Copy !req
303. Who's Harvey?Copy !req
304. He's the Little League coach.Copy !req
305. You did talk to the Little
League coach, didn't you?Copy !req
306. Son, have you lost your mind?Copy !req
307. Wait! Dad, you're not supposed
to yell at me anymore.Copy !req
308. The guy from the state said...Copy !req
309. your hostility
invalidates our parent-child contract.Copy !req
310. You're quoting that twig boy at me?Copy !req
311. Hank, the neighbors.Copy !req
312. Remember, he said,
"loud is not allowed," Dad...Copy !req
313. or they'll take me away.Copy !req
314. Oh, God.Copy !req
315. Hello?Copy !req
316. Is this the Hill residence?
Who am I talking to?Copy !req
317. Bobby Hill.Copy !req
318. Son, this is
the State Social Services.Copy !req
319. We're calling off
our investigation of your father.Copy !req
320. The worker that visited you will be
leaving the office and going back to LA.Copy !req
321. You please tell your parents
we apologize for the misunderstanding.Copy !req
322. Okay. I'll tell them. Bye.Copy !req
323. Bobby, who was that?Copy !req
324. Wrong number.Copy !req
325. I borrowed
your truck this morning, Uncle Hank.Copy !req
326. It wouldn't start at first, because of a
clogged fuel line, but I blew it clean.Copy !req
327. Hey, Bobby, go plug this
in the garage for me.Copy !req
328. Okay.Copy !req
329. Want to see something cool?Copy !req
330. What in the heck?Copy !req
331. Don't you see I'm working here?
Close the dang door.Copy !req
332. Bob, just keep put, stop!Copy !req
333. Stop hitting that button!Copy !req
334. Give me that thing!Copy !req
335. Dad, that's not respectful
adult-child growth dialogue.Copy !req
336. I'll give you dialogue...Copy !req
337. that's not coming from
a center of anger.Copy !req
338. Please return the garage door...Copy !req
339. to its factory-preset down position!Copy !req
340. That is cool.Copy !req
341. Bobby, hey!Copy !req
342. Please respect...Copy !req
343. my fence's right to be a fence.Copy !req
344. Now!Copy !req
345. You can't do nothing.Copy !req
346. Hey! Hey!Copy !req
347. You're all wet, Dad!Copy !req
348. Creak.Copy !req
349. Boing!Copy !req
350. What on God's green earth
are you making those noises for?Copy !req
351. They're sound effects,
like that guy on Police Academy.Copy !req
352. That's what I'm gonna do when
I grow up, I've decided.Copy !req
353. And Dad can't say boo about it.Copy !req
354. Bobby, a man from the Child
Protective Services just came by.Copy !req
355. He said that he told you last week
that this investigation was off.Copy !req
356. Please don't tell Dad!Copy !req
357. Son, I have to. He's been worried.Copy !req
358. - But I like him better this way.
- How come?Copy !req
359. I can make him love me
even when I screw up.Copy !req
360. Is that what you think?Copy !req
361. It's hard, Peggy.Copy !req
362. I don't want to lose my little boy,
my only son.Copy !req
363. But it's hard.Copy !req
364. Well, you can relax.Copy !req
365. The investigation has
been off for a week...Copy !req
366. only, Bobby didn't tell us.Copy !req
367. - I'll kill him!
- All right, calm down, honey.Copy !req
368. Now let me explain.
He didn't do it to be mean.Copy !req
369. Bobby honestly doesn't think
that you love him all the time.Copy !req
370. That's crazy. Of course I love him.Copy !req
371. Very good. Now, say it to Bobby.Copy !req
372. What are you talking about?Copy !req
373. I want you to tell Bobby that your
love for him is unconditional.Copy !req
374. I can't say that. I can't!Copy !req
375. You know how I was raised.
What my father's like.Copy !req
376. I got my shins blowed off by
a Japan man's machine gun!Copy !req
377. So don't come crying to me
with your problems!Copy !req
378. Honey, I'm begging you.Copy !req
379. For the sake of this family,
you have got to do it.Copy !req
380. He's waiting for you out on the porch.Copy !req
381. Jeez.Copy !req
382. Damn twig boy
comes over here...Copy !req
383. You...Copy !req
384. You're my son.Copy !req
385. Well, you know, with everything...Copy !req
386. that entails.Copy !req
387. You know...Copy !req
388. feelings of fondness and more...Copy !req
389. You know what I mean, don't you, boy?Copy !req
390. No.Copy !req
391. Well...Copy !req
392. That's a hell of a weird sound.
I never made that before.Copy !req
393. I...Copy !req
394. you...Copy !req
395. family.Copy !req
396. You're not making
this easy on me, boy.Copy !req
397. Okay.Copy !req
398. I love you no matter what you do.
There!Copy !req
399. Let's go get something to eat!Copy !req
400. I'm not...Copy !req
401. just a big disappointment to you?Copy !req
402. Disappointment? No. You make me proud.Copy !req
403. I've been disappointed by just about
everything else in this town.Copy !req
404. But you? Not once.Copy !req
405. Damn it, you're my boy.Copy !req
406. You know better than that.Copy !req
407. He punched him!Copy !req
408. I knew it! I told them!
Did you see that?Copy !req
409. See what, twig boy?Copy !req
410. Never mind.Copy !req