1. The worst part of
going on vacationCopy !req
2. is the look on her face
when we head out the door.Copy !req
3. Are we talking about
Lady Bird or Peggy?Copy !req
4. Whoa, down girl.Copy !req
5. Hi, guys!Copy !req
6. Meet my new friend, Buster.Copy !req
7. Say hello, Buster.Copy !req
8. Pretty dog. Weak handshake.Copy !req
9. Buster, play.Copy !req
10. Boy, Bill,Copy !req
11. that is a magnificent animal.Copy !req
12. Yeah, I got him through
a new military programCopy !req
13. where you adopt
the pet of a G.I.Copy !req
14. while he's on his tour of duty.Copy !req
15. Well, all right.Copy !req
16. That's a great way
to serve our country:Copy !req
17. supporting our enlisted
men one dog at a time.Copy !req
18. Hey, I was just going to
take Lady Bird up to the lake.Copy !req
19. You and Buster
want to come along?Copy !req
20. Sorry, Buster does his community
service at the VFW today.Copy !req
21. Some of those old guysCopy !req
22. haven't felt a tongue
on their face for years.Copy !req
23. Here, boy.Copy !req
24. Hey, Bill, can
civilians get in on this,Copy !req
25. or is it just a perk for
the Armed Forces?Copy !req
26. Anyone can do it.Copy !req
27. All you have to
do is take a pledgeCopy !req
28. to "perform all functions
necessary and possibleCopy !req
29. for the animal's well-being."Copy !req
30. A pledge?Copy !req
31. Okay. Now, we start
here two weeks from today.Copy !req
32. We drive 400 miles
and catch a riverboat tourCopy !req
33. up the mighty Mississip.Copy !req
34. Then it is on to
Graceland in Memphis,Copy !req
35. and then to the Cowboys/Titans
game in Nashville!Copy !req
36. And on the way
back, we get to stopCopy !req
37. at Willis' Famous BarbecueCopy !req
38. where the ribs fall off the boneCopy !req
39. or your money back!Copy !req
40. Now, Bobby,
Memphis to Nashville,Copy !req
41. that's a long stretch
without a rest stop.Copy !req
42. I'm already training!Copy !req
43. I've had four glasses
of water today.Copy !req
44. It's been two hours
and nine minutes,Copy !req
45. and I feel fine!Copy !req
46. Peggy! Bobby!Copy !req
47. Great news!Copy !req
48. We can adopt the dog of a
G.I. while he's on his tour of duty.Copy !req
49. I... I don't know,
Hank. Another dog?Copy !req
50. Not just any dog,
the dog of a soldier.Copy !req
51. Come on, think about
our patriotic duty.Copy !req
52. I'll take care of it, I promise.Copy !req
53. I'll do everything. You
won't even know it's here.Copy !req
54. We are going on
vacation in two weeks.Copy !req
55. We're gonna have to
board Lady Bird as it is...Copy !req
56. Don't worry.Copy !req
57. I told the military
we can't take the dogCopy !req
58. until after we get
back from our trip.Copy !req
59. Well, as long as it doesn't
interfere with the vacation,Copy !req
60. I suppose it's...Copy !req
61. All right!Copy !req
62. It's nice to see him so happy.Copy !req
63. A koozie?Copy !req
64. Since when are you
so fancy all of a sudden?Copy !req
65. You too good for us now?Copy !req
66. Hey, guys.Copy !req
67. You are looking at a guy
who has just been approvedCopy !req
68. for the G.I. Foster Pet Program.Copy !req
69. - Yay!
- Way to go, man.Copy !req
70. Do you know what kind
of dog you're getting?Copy !req
71. No, but his name's Duke.Copy !req
72. You tell me a dog named
Duke won't take a bullet for you.Copy !req
73. This is so amazing!Copy !req
74. He knew it was empty.Copy !req
75. Oh, how the mighty have fallen.Copy !req
76. We don't have to go
through Oklahoma.Copy !req
77. Hill residence.Copy !req
78. This is Army
Sergeant Williamson.Copy !req
79. We're going to need you
to take possession of DukeCopy !req
80. between 0900 and
0915 tomorrow morning.Copy !req
81. What? But I thought
I made it very clearCopy !req
82. that we didn't want DukeCopy !req
83. until after we got
back from our vacation.Copy !req
84. Patriotism doesn't
take a vacation, sir.Copy !req
85. This is the smallest bottle
of Prell that I have ever seen.Copy !req
86. Check out the lotion.Copy !req
87. Dang it... I just used it all.Copy !req
88. Uh...Copy !req
89. I got a call from
the Armed Forces...Copy !req
90. Duke is coming a little
earlier than expected.Copy !req
91. Uh, like tomorrow.Copy !req
92. But we're leaving
in less than a week.Copy !req
93. You just call them back
and tell them it's too early.Copy !req
94. Don't worry.Copy !req
95. I talked to the guy
who owns the farmCopy !req
96. where Lady Bird
is going to stay,Copy !req
97. and he says another
dog would be no problem.Copy !req
98. Why do we need
toilet seat covers?Copy !req
99. One word: Tennessee.Copy !req
100. They'll be here any second.Copy !req
101. Is everybody ready?Copy !req
102. You're uh... You're
wearing that?Copy !req
103. Dog, Hank.Copy !req
104. It's a dog. Car!Copy !req
105. Hey, Bill. My dog is
about to be delivered.Copy !req
106. That's great.Copy !req
107. I just got a gift
basket from my G.I..Copy !req
108. Get this: He's a Blue Angel.Copy !req
109. He's the one that
made France madCopy !req
110. by flying under
the Eiffel Tower.Copy !req
111. Oh, my God, they're here!Copy !req
112. Good morning, Mr. Hill.Copy !req
113. On behalf of the Armed Forces,
thank you for your generosity.Copy !req
114. I present to you... Duke.Copy !req
115. Come here, boy.Copy !req
116. Uh, Hank,Copy !req
117. looks like that
cat ate your dog.Copy !req
118. Uh, about Duke...Copy !req
119. he's a cat.Copy !req
120. I was supposed to get a dog.Copy !req
121. My neighbor got a dog.Copy !req
122. Yeah, and I wanted
to be an F-18 pilot.Copy !req
123. One psych exam later
I'm delivering you a cat.Copy !req
124. Uh, oh, wait.Copy !req
125. I already have a dog.Copy !req
126. So a cat would be in danger.Copy !req
127. That would be treason, right?Copy !req
128. Sir, is this your
signature here, sir?Copy !req
129. Yes.Copy !req
130. And is this your
two page addendumCopy !req
131. stating how it
would be your honorCopy !req
132. to fulfill your patriotic duty?Copy !req
133. I believe you quoted "The
Star-Spangled Banner"Copy !req
134. in its entirety.Copy !req
135. Huh...Copy !req
136. Dad!Copy !req
137. Cat?Copy !req
138. Okay, this won't be so bad.Copy !req
139. I bet while we're gone
we can board DukeCopy !req
140. for just a few
more dollars a day.Copy !req
141. Lovely. And in the meantime,
where are we going to keep this?Copy !req
142. Well, Private Hennessey
left us an information dossierCopy !req
143. we're supposed to follow.Copy !req
144. Let's see what he says.Copy !req
145. Mom, look out!Copy !req
146. Ohh...Copy !req
147. Yep.Copy !req
148. Yup.Copy !req
149. Mm-hmm.Copy !req
150. Get!Copy !req
151. Hank, looks like the
cat is out of the bag.Copy !req
152. Oh...Copy !req
153. this has been a cat-astrophe!Copy !req
154. Uh, cat... c... uh...Copy !req
155. You got a cat!Copy !req
156. So, one of our
fighting men has a cat?Copy !req
157. What of it?Copy !req
158. Hey, guys.Copy !req
159. Wow, you two are looking good.Copy !req
160. I see the perfect fusion
of master and animal.Copy !req
161. I can't tell where one endsCopy !req
162. and the other begins.Copy !req
163. Oh, I feel great.Copy !req
164. Good ol' Buster's
built my wind up.Copy !req
165. Well, that must be Duke.Copy !req
166. He's...Copy !req
167. cute.Copy !req
168. Dang it, Bill, why
didn't you tell meCopy !req
169. you could get stuck with
a cat in this program?Copy !req
170. Come on, Hank,
cats aren't so bad.Copy !req
171. One of Buster's best friendsCopy !req
172. is a cat that does
recon missionsCopy !req
173. with a camera
strapped to his back.Copy !req
174. I don't think yours
does that, though.Copy !req
175. Eh, eh...Copy !req
176. eh... oh... oh...Copy !req
177. Try this.Copy !req
178. Once you start playing with it,Copy !req
179. you won't want to stop!Copy !req
180. Ah, no thanks.Copy !req
181. I just need to get
some cat food.Copy !req
182. See, I was recently
forced to take care of a cat,Copy !req
183. and I need to know which
one of these I should buy.Copy !req
184. Quickly.Copy !req
185. Oh, all that stuff is garbage.Copy !req
186. What your cat needs is
Scientific Formula.Copy !req
187. $18 a bag?Copy !req
188. What's wrong with
all this other stuff?Copy !req
189. Well, between you and
me, it's practically inedible.Copy !req
190. We should really be
in jail for carrying it.Copy !req
191. All right, fine.Copy !req
192. Give me a bag of
the Scientific Formula.Copy !req
193. Which flavor?Copy !req
194. I recommend the
Italian herb chicken.Copy !req
195. Delicious.Copy !req
196. Do you think Private
Hennessey enlistedCopy !req
197. just to get away
from that thing?Copy !req
198. Oh, put it out of
your mind, Hank.Copy !req
199. In a week, we'll
be at Graceland.Copy !req
200. I wonder if they'll let
us shoot a television.Copy !req
201. Oh, Hank.Copy !req
202. Bobby, get Duke
off the dinner table!Copy !req
203. He just threw up; I
don't want to touch him.Copy !req
204. Pick him up with a napkin.Copy !req
205. You want me to
take him off the table,Copy !req
206. or do you want me
to eat my vegetables?Copy !req
207. Because I can't do both.Copy !req
208. Fine, I'll do it.Copy !req
209. Dang it!Copy !req
210. I hope you like the
smell of a cranberry bog,Copy !req
211. because it is the only thingCopy !req
212. that counteracts the cat stink.Copy !req
213. Ugh! Wave some of
that stuff over here.Copy !req
214. Oh, my God!Copy !req
215. The cat has soiled in my shoes.Copy !req
216. Where is he?Copy !req
217. He's in my room.Copy !req
218. If I stop petting
him, he'll bite me.Copy !req
219. I've read that dossier
cover-to-cover,Copy !req
220. and nowhere in it
does it say anythingCopy !req
221. about pooping in shoes.Copy !req
222. You know I hate this cat,Copy !req
223. but there might actually be
something wrong with him.Copy !req
224. Maybe you should
take him to Dr. Yandell.Copy !req
225. I can't.Copy !req
226. If there are any problems,Copy !req
227. I'm supposed to
take him to Dr. LeslieCopy !req
228. at the Vet Consortium.Copy !req
229. That place with
the valet parking?Copy !req
230. Wait, we're not
paying for this, are we?Copy !req
231. We have our
vacation to think about.Copy !req
232. It's like having a bomb
strapped to my lap.Copy !req
233. It's part of my commitment.Copy !req
234. I can't ask Duke's ownerCopy !req
235. to take it out of
his combat pay.Copy !req
236. I've got to go to the bathroom.Copy !req
237. I'm Hank Hill.Copy !req
238. This is Duke.Copy !req
239. We have an appointment
with Dr. Leslie.Copy !req
240. What's the nature of
your cat's problem?Copy !req
241. Uh... he's pooping in my shoes.Copy !req
242. Okay, go ahead and have a seat.Copy !req
243. And we ask that you
please not make eye contactCopy !req
244. with Mr. Javier's parrot.Copy !req
245. He's got anger issues.Copy !req
246. Hello, you must
be Duke's caregiver.Copy !req
247. I'm Dr. Leslie.Copy !req
248. How are you feeling
today, Mr. Duke?Copy !req
249. Uh, yeah, so, I don't know cats,Copy !req
250. so I can't really tell
if anything is wrong.Copy !req
251. That's the thing about animals.Copy !req
252. They can't tell us what's wrong.Copy !req
253. And take it from me, they
can't understand our jokes.Copy !req
254. Why don't you
gently restrain himCopy !req
255. so I can take some
blood and check his vitals?Copy !req
256. Uh, yeah, don't you have a
strap or a clamp or something?Copy !req
257. If you prefer, you could
lay on the examination tableCopy !req
258. and hold Duke to your chest.Copy !req
259. Mm-hmm.Copy !req
260. Very good.Copy !req
261. Well, everything
seems normal, Mr. Hill.Copy !req
262. Oh, great, then ICopy !req
263. just need you to sign this
Army form stating that, uh,Copy !req
264. "Everything within
reason has been doneCopy !req
265. to ensure the proper
health of said animal."Copy !req
266. Everything hasn't
been done, Mr. Hill.Copy !req
267. Sure, Duke "looks" normal, but
I did not spend four extra yearsCopy !req
268. specializing in small
animal treatment to just look.Copy !req
269. I want to do some
more tests on DukeCopy !req
270. to make sure we
don't miss anything.Copy !req
271. EKG, MRI, maybe an iodine trace.Copy !req
272. Okay.Copy !req
273. First off, we're
gonna need to ensureCopy !req
274. that Duke has been
getting the proper diet.Copy !req
275. Oh, I'm way ahead
of you, Doctor.Copy !req
276. I already have him on
the Scientific Formula.Copy !req
277. You can't feed that to a cat.Copy !req
278. Mr. Hill, Duke should
only be eating Vet's Brand.Copy !req
279. You're asking me to spend
$57 on a bag of cat food?Copy !req
280. Well, we can't expect
Duke to buy it on his salary!Copy !req
281. You see? Nothing.Copy !req
282. Okay, that's gonna be $543.Copy !req
283. What?Copy !req
284. Bone density test?Copy !req
285. Lactose intolerance
test? Allergy panel?Copy !req
286. I know it sounds a bit pricey,Copy !req
287. but these people have
all the best equipment.Copy !req
288. Well, almost all
the best equipment.Copy !req
289. You never stop
selling, do you, Tommy?Copy !req
290. You're in good hands.
I don't have a pet,Copy !req
291. but I'd bring my son
here, if they'd let me.Copy !req
292. Listen, I can't afford this.Copy !req
293. I'm taking my
family on vacation.Copy !req
294. I'm just doing this because I
made a pledge to the Army.Copy !req
295. I don't even like cats.Copy !req
296. Dang it!Copy !req
297. Okay, droop your eyelids.Copy !req
298. Now un-flare that
nostril. That's it! Perfect.Copy !req
299. Dad, look at my poker face.Copy !req
300. We are gonna take
everything from that riverboatCopy !req
301. but the paddle wheel.Copy !req
302. Uh, yeah. I'm sorry, you guys,Copy !req
303. but Duke's vet visit just
cost us the Riverboat stop.Copy !req
304. - What?
- What?Copy !req
305. This is no longer
a valid TripTik.Copy !req
306. I knew it. I knew
this whole thingCopy !req
307. would blow up in our faces.Copy !req
308. Hank, let's just
get rid of this cat.Copy !req
309. It's ruining our lives.Copy !req
310. I can't do that.Copy !req
311. It'll be fine, you'll see.Copy !req
312. Maybe we won't be
able to stay in hotels,Copy !req
313. but we can camp... in the car!Copy !req
314. Hill residence.Copy !req
315. It's Dr. Leslie.Copy !req
316. Duke's blood work came back,
and his blood sugar is normal...Copy !req
317. no adult-onset diabetes, no
hypertension, no hemophilia.Copy !req
318. Oh, that's great!Copy !req
319. But we did noticeCopy !req
320. his white blood cell
count is up slightly.Copy !req
321. Uh. What does that mean?Copy !req
322. Could be nothing,
could be cancer.Copy !req
323. I'm gonna need you to
come in with Duke right away.Copy !req
324. I'd like to doCopy !req
325. a complete physical
workup to cover all our bases.Copy !req
326. I also recommend this:Copy !req
327. It's what we call a
feline mobility cart.Copy !req
328. Wait. The cat can't walk?Copy !req
329. Of course he can walk.
But rolling is easier.Copy !req
330. You see, it may relieveCopy !req
331. some pressure and
redirect blood flow.Copy !req
332. Plus... alloy wheels.Copy !req
333. But all this could
be for nothing, right?Copy !req
334. I mean, Duke may not have
anything wrong with him.Copy !req
335. Boy, that'd be great.Copy !req
336. I'd like to go in. In?Copy !req
337. Do a small exploratory surgery,Copy !req
338. rule some things out.Copy !req
339. What's that gonna cost me?Copy !req
340. Guesstimate?Copy !req
341. Between $1,000 and
$2,000 and $3,000.Copy !req
342. That's a lot of money.Copy !req
343. See, my family and I were...Copy !req
344. kinda going on this vacation...Copy !req
345. Would it kill you not
to go on vacation?Copy !req
346. Because it may kill Duke.Copy !req
347. Do you take traveler's checks?Copy !req
348. You and your stupid patriotism.Copy !req
349. I'm sure that cat will thank youCopy !req
350. for canceling our
vacation by hissing at you.Copy !req
351. I expanded my
bladder for this trip.Copy !req
352. Thanks a lot, Dad!Copy !req
353. I can't believe what
they want me to doCopy !req
354. to get Duke ready for surgery.Copy !req
355. To keep him sterile,Copy !req
356. I have to put on these
little paper bootiesCopy !req
357. before he uses the litter box.Copy !req
358. Excuse me.Copy !req
359. I believe your dog
left this toy in my yard.Copy !req
360. So sorry about that.Copy !req
361. He likes pretty ladies.Copy !req
362. Oh.Copy !req
363. Well, thank you.Copy !req
364. Here's my number,
in case any moreCopy !req
365. of his toys go missing.Copy !req
366. Dad!Copy !req
367. Duke's wheels tracked
poo all over my bedsheets!Copy !req
368. Tiptop news, Mr. Hill!Copy !req
369. We've eliminated even
a remote possibilityCopy !req
370. that Duke has lung
cancer, stomach cancer,Copy !req
371. or pancreatic cancer.Copy !req
372. Oh, thank God.Copy !req
373. So, uh, can you
sign the release?Copy !req
374. Now we can move onCopy !req
375. to Duke's circulatory
and skeletal systems.Copy !req
376. $150 for a feline enema?Copy !req
377. I could do it for half that.Copy !req
378. I wish I could let you, Peggy.Copy !req
379. Duke is bleeding us dry, Hank.Copy !req
380. I think it is time to take him
to our vet for a second opinion.Copy !req
381. Come on.Copy !req
382. You get the crate,
I'll get the oven mitts.Copy !req
383. That's a cute little
cart you got him in.Copy !req
384. Do you have a little mouse
that rides in there, too?Copy !req
385. Uh, I swore I would
do all that I couldCopy !req
386. for the care of
this cat... in writing.Copy !req
387. You've had him testedCopy !req
388. from his brain to his behind.
Sounds to me like you have.Copy !req
389. You want me to sign that?Copy !req
390. Well, thank you, but I need
Duke's vet of choice to do it...Copy !req
391. Dr. Bradley Leslie.Copy !req
392. Oh, he's topnotch.Copy !req
393. Best in his field.Copy !req
394. Well, I was kinda
hoping you'd tell meCopy !req
395. he was a quack and I
wouldn't have to listen to him.Copy !req
396. And he's costing me a fortune.Copy !req
397. Well, he's got all those
new fancy machines.Copy !req
398. And if you've got the machines,Copy !req
399. by God you're gonna use them.Copy !req
400. But truth is, sometimes
cats just get old.Copy !req
401. Duke's going to die someday,Copy !req
402. but not of anything
he's got right now.Copy !req
403. But he keeps vomiting.Copy !req
404. Cats vomit. They
eat, poop and vomit.Copy !req
405. That's what they do.Copy !req
406. So you're telling me I
sacrificed my family's vacationCopy !req
407. so this guy can pay
for his fancy machines?Copy !req
408. Yeah, you wouldn't believe
how much some of 'em go for.Copy !req
409. Tommy, how much one of
those ultra-magnetic doohickeysCopy !req
410. you keep yammering
about set me back?Copy !req
411. The Magnetic
Ultrasonic Imager 9220?Copy !req
412. You don't want to know.Copy !req
413. It's so expensive, no
one can make money on it.Copy !req
414. We only sold two:Copy !req
415. one in Beverly Hills
and one in Aspen.Copy !req
416. I could have one
delivered within the week.Copy !req
417. So, wait. That machine's
even more expensiveCopy !req
418. than the ones Dr. Leslie has?Copy !req
419. Oh, yeah. He's got a
9210. That's a solid unit.Copy !req
420. But this baby's seven
percent more accurate,Copy !req
421. and it comes in chrome.Copy !req
422. Can I have some
of those brochures?Copy !req
423. Uh, just take one, though.Copy !req
424. They're also really expensive.Copy !req
425. Mr. Hill!Copy !req
426. Teresa didn't tell me
you had an appointment.Copy !req
427. I don't.Copy !req
428. Look, I just stopped
by to tell youCopy !req
429. there will be no more surgeriesCopy !req
430. or tests or anything
else done to my cat.Copy !req
431. And I want you to sign this.Copy !req
432. There are still several more
tests we can perform, Mr. Hill.Copy !req
433. You see, we haveCopy !req
434. a responsibility
to these creatures.Copy !req
435. Duke can't tell us
he wants to live...Copy !req
436. Yeah, yeah, I know,
and he can't joke around.Copy !req
437. But I bet if he could
talk, he'd say he wantsCopy !req
438. to be put through the
Magnetic Ultrasonic Imager.Copy !req
439. I've got one of those!Copy !req
440. 9220.Copy !req
441. Says here that the 9220Copy !req
442. is seven percent more
accurate than the old 9210.Copy !req
443. Yes, but seven
percent more accuracyCopy !req
444. hardly justifies me
spending that kind of money.Copy !req
445. I'd have to use the
machine on petsCopy !req
446. and their owners to break even.Copy !req
447. It's just too expensive.Copy !req
448. Well, that seems like
the kind of decisionCopy !req
449. you'd want to leave to
that woman and her bird,Copy !req
450. or that guy and...Copy !req
451. whatever the hell that thing is.Copy !req
452. I'm sure they'd like to know
you've been depriving themCopy !req
453. of the latest in full-body
diagnostic testing.Copy !req
454. I wish I had enough of
these pamphlets for everyone.Copy !req
455. Hey, I guess I
could go out thereCopy !req
456. and read it out loud.Copy !req
457. Now hold on a minute.Copy !req
458. That machine would bankrupt me.Copy !req
459. I've got to draw
the line somewhere.Copy !req
460. We all have to draw
the line somewhere.Copy !req
461. Is that 9220Copy !req
462. something you should
be using on Frank?Copy !req
463. You can keep that pen.
It's from some companyCopy !req
464. that makes Viagra for lizards.Copy !req
465. Works for snakes, too!Copy !req
466. Well, it's 3:00.Copy !req
467. Right about now,Copy !req
468. Dr. Leslie is turning Duke
over to Private Hennessey.Copy !req
469. Look, I know this isn't the
kind of trip we all had in mind.Copy !req
470. Bobby, why don't you go ahead
and have the "21-Rib Salute?"Copy !req
471. Really? It's not an
entree, it's an event!Copy !req
472. So, how much moneyCopy !req
473. do we have left in
the vacation fund?Copy !req
474. $98.Copy !req
475. Which means, well, this
is as far as we can go.Copy !req
476. You know, just being away
from Duke feels like a holiday.Copy !req
477. Good food, family,Copy !req
478. the Cowboys.Copy !req
479. Now this is what I
call a dream vacation.Copy !req
480. Army sergeant Bill Dauterive
relinquishing command of Buster!Copy !req
481. On behalf of myself and the
crew of the USS Eisenhower,Copy !req
482. I say thank you.Copy !req
483. Wow.Copy !req
484. How you getting home, Sergeant?Copy !req
485. I, I, uh...Copy !req
486. You ever pulled two Gs?Copy !req
487. Don't worry.Copy !req
488. Buster'll sit on your lap.Copy !req
489. Oh, this has been a catastrophe!Copy !req