1. The worst part of going on vacationCopy !req
2. is the look on her face
when we head out the door.Copy !req
3. Are we talking about Ladybird or Peggy?Copy !req
4. Whoa, down girl.Copy !req
5. Hi, guys.Copy !req
6. Meet my new friend, Buster.Copy !req
7. Say hello, Buster.Copy !req
8. Pretty dog. Weak handshake.Copy !req
9. Buster, play.Copy !req
10. Boy, Bill, that is a magnificent animal.Copy !req
11. Yeah, I got him through
a new military programCopy !req
12. where you adopt the pet of a GI
while he's on his tour of duty.Copy !req
13. Well, all right.
That's a great way to serve our country.Copy !req
14. Supporting our enlisted men,
one dog at a time.Copy !req
15. Hey, I was just gonna take Ladybird
up to the lake.Copy !req
16. You and Buster wanna come along?Copy !req
17. Sorry, Buster does his community service
at the VFW today.Copy !req
18. Some of those old guysCopy !req
19. haven't felt a tongue
on their face for years.Copy !req
20. Here, boy.Copy !req
21. Hey, Bill, can civilians get in on this,Copy !req
22. or is it just a perk for the Armed Forces?Copy !req
23. Anyone can do it.Copy !req
24. All you have to do is take a pledgeCopy !req
25. to "perform all functions
necessary and possibleCopy !req
26. for the animal's well-being."Copy !req
27. A pledge?Copy !req
28. Okay. Now, we start here
two weeks from today.Copy !req
29. We drive 400 miles
and catch a riverboat tourCopy !req
30. up the mighty Mississip.Copy !req
31. Then it is on to Graceland in Memphis,Copy !req
32. and then to the Cowboys/Titans game
in Nashville.Copy !req
33. And on the way back, we get to stop
at Willis' Famous BarbecueCopy !req
34. where the ribs fall off the bone
or your money back.Copy !req
35. Now, Bobby, Memphis to Nashville,Copy !req
36. that's a long stretch without a rest stop.Copy !req
37. I'm already training.
I've had four glasses of water today.Copy !req
38. It's been two hours and nine minutes,
and I feel fine.Copy !req
39. Peggy. Bobby. Great news.Copy !req
40. We can adopt the dog of a GI
while he's on his tour of duty.Copy !req
41. I… I don't know, Hank. Another dog?Copy !req
42. Not just any dog, the dog of a soldier.Copy !req
43. Come on, think about our patriotic duty.Copy !req
44. I'll take care of it, I promise.Copy !req
45. I'll do everything.
You won't even know it's here.Copy !req
46. We are going on vacation in two weeks.Copy !req
47. We're gonna have to board Ladybird
as it is…Copy !req
48. Don't worry.Copy !req
49. I told the military we can't take the dog
until after we get back from our trip.Copy !req
50. Well, as long as it doesn't interfere
with the vacation, I suppose it's…Copy !req
51. All right.Copy !req
52. It's nice to see him so happy.Copy !req
53. A coozie?Copy !req
54. Since when are you so fancy
all of a sudden?Copy !req
55. You too good for us now?Copy !req
56. Hey, guys.Copy !req
57. You are looking at a guy
who has just been approvedCopy !req
58. for the GI Foster Pet Program.Copy !req
59. - Yay!
- Way to go, man.Copy !req
60. Do you know what kind of dog
you're getting?Copy !req
61. No, but his name's Duke.Copy !req
62. You tell me a dog named Duke
won't take a bullet for you.Copy !req
63. This is so amazing.Copy !req
64. He knew it was empty.Copy !req
65. Oh, how the mighty have fallen.Copy !req
66. We don't have to go through Oklahoma.Copy !req
67. Hill residence.Copy !req
68. This is Army Sergeant Williamson.Copy !req
69. We're going to need you
to take possession of DukeCopy !req
70. between 0900 and 0915 tomorrow morning.Copy !req
71. What? But I thought I made it very clear
that we didn't want DukeCopy !req
72. until after we got back from our vacation.Copy !req
73. Patriotism doesn't take a vacation, sir.Copy !req
74. This is the smallest bottle of Prell
that I have ever seen.Copy !req
75. Check out the lotion.Copy !req
76. Dang it. I just used it all.Copy !req
77. I got a call from the Armed Forces…Copy !req
78. Duke is coming a little earlier
than expected.Copy !req
79. Uh, like tomorrow.Copy !req
80. But we're leaving in less than a week.Copy !req
81. You just call them back
and tell them it's too early.Copy !req
82. Don't worry.Copy !req
83. I talked to the guy who owns the farm
where Ladybird is gonna stay,Copy !req
84. and he says another dog
would be no problem.Copy !req
85. Why do we need toilet seat covers?Copy !req
86. One word. Tennessee.Copy !req
87. They'll be here any second.Copy !req
88. Is everybody ready?Copy !req
89. You're, uh… You're wearing that?Copy !req
90. Dog, Hank. It's a dog.Copy !req
91. Car.Copy !req
92. Hey, Bill. My dog
is about to be delivered.Copy !req
93. That's great.
I just got a gift basket from my GI.Copy !req
94. Get this: He's a Blue Angel.Copy !req
95. He's the one that made France mad
by flying under the Eiffel Tower.Copy !req
96. Oh, my God, they're here.Copy !req
97. Morning, Mr. Hill.Copy !req
98. On behalf of the Armed Forces,
thank you for your generosity.Copy !req
99. I present to you… Duke.Copy !req
100. Come here, boy.Copy !req
101. That's a dang ol' thing, isn't it?Copy !req
102. Uh, Hank,Copy !req
103. looks like that cat ate your dog.Copy !req
104. Uh, about Duke…Copy !req
105. he's a cat.Copy !req
106. I was supposed to get a dog.
My neighbor got a dog.Copy !req
107. Yeah, and I wanted to be an F-18 pilot.Copy !req
108. One psych exam later,
I'm delivering you a cat.Copy !req
109. Uh, oh, wait.Copy !req
110. I already have a dog.
So a cat would be in danger.Copy !req
111. That would be treason, right?Copy !req
112. Sir, is this your signature here, sir?Copy !req
113. Yes.Copy !req
114. And is this your two page addendumCopy !req
115. stating how it would be your honor
to fulfill your patriotic duty?Copy !req
116. I believe you quoted
"The Star-Spangled Banner"Copy !req
117. in its entirety.Copy !req
118. Huh…Copy !req
119. Dad!Copy !req
120. Cat?Copy !req
121. Okay, this won't be so bad.Copy !req
122. I bet while we're gone, we can board Duke
for just a few more dollars a day.Copy !req
123. Lovely. And in the meantime,
where are we going to keep this?Copy !req
124. Well, Private Hennessey
left us an information dossierCopy !req
125. we're supposed to follow.
Let's see what he says.Copy !req
126. Mom, look out.Copy !req
127. Ohh…Copy !req
128. Yep.Copy !req
129. Yup.Copy !req
130. Mm-hmm.Copy !req
131. Hank, looks like the cat
is out of the bag.Copy !req
132. Oh…Copy !req
133. this has been a cat-astrophe.Copy !req
134. Uh, cat… c… uh…Copy !req
135. You got a cat.Copy !req
136. So, one of our fighting men has a cat?Copy !req
137. - What of it?
- Hey, guys.Copy !req
138. Wow, you two are looking good.Copy !req
139. I see the perfect fusion
of master and animal.Copy !req
140. I can't tell where one ends
and the other begins.Copy !req
141. Oh, I feel great.Copy !req
142. Good ol' Buster's built my wind up.Copy !req
143. Well, that must be Duke. He's…Copy !req
144. - cute.
- Dang it, Bill,Copy !req
145. why didn't you tell me you could get stuck
with a cat in this program?Copy !req
146. Come on, Hank, cats aren't so bad.Copy !req
147. One of Buster's best friendsCopy !req
148. is a cat that does recon missions
with a camera strapped to his back.Copy !req
149. I don't think yours does that, though.Copy !req
150. Eh, eh…Copy !req
151. eh… oh… oh…Copy !req
152. Try this.Copy !req
153. Once you start playing with it,
you won't want to stop.Copy !req
154. Ah, no, thanks.
I just need to get some cat food.Copy !req
155. You see, I was recently forced
to take care of a cat,Copy !req
156. and I need to know
which one of these I should buy. Quickly.Copy !req
157. Oh, all that stuff is garbage.Copy !req
158. What your cat needs is this:
Scientific Formula.Copy !req
159. Eighteen dollars a bag?Copy !req
160. What's wrong with all this other stuff?Copy !req
161. Well, between you and me,
it's practically inedible.Copy !req
162. We should really be in jail
for carrying it.Copy !req
163. All right, fine.Copy !req
164. Give me a bag of the Scientific Formula.Copy !req
165. Which flavor?Copy !req
166. I recommend the Italian herb chicken.Copy !req
167. Delicious.Copy !req
168. Do you think Private Hennessey enlisted
just to get away from that thing?Copy !req
169. Oh, put it out of your mind, Hank.Copy !req
170. In a week, we'll be at Graceland.Copy !req
171. I wonder if they'll let us shoot
a television.Copy !req
172. Oh, Hank.Copy !req
173. Bobby, get Duke off the dinner table.Copy !req
174. He just threw up,
I don't want to touch him.Copy !req
175. Pick him up with a napkin.Copy !req
176. Do you want me to take him off the table,
or do you want me to eat my vegetables?Copy !req
177. Because I can't do both.Copy !req
178. Fine, I'll do it.Copy !req
179. Ah. Dang it.Copy !req
180. I hope you like the smell
of a cranberry bog,Copy !req
181. because it is the only thing
that counteracts the cat stink.Copy !req
182. Ugh. Wave some of that stuff over here.Copy !req
183. Oh, my God.
The cat has soiled in my shoes.Copy !req
184. - Where is he?
- He's in my room.Copy !req
185. If I stop petting him, he'll bite me.Copy !req
186. I've read that dossier cover-to-cover,Copy !req
187. and nowhere in it does it say anything
about pooping in shoes.Copy !req
188. You know I hate this cat,Copy !req
189. but there might actually be
something wrong with him.Copy !req
190. Maybe you should take him to Dr. Yandell.Copy !req
191. I can't.Copy !req
192. If there are any problems,Copy !req
193. I'm supposed to take him to Dr. Leslie
at the Vet Consortium.Copy !req
194. That place with the valet parking?Copy !req
195. Wait, we're not paying for this, are we?Copy !req
196. We have our vacation to think about.Copy !req
197. It's like having a bomb
strapped to my lap.Copy !req
198. It's part of my commitment.Copy !req
199. I can't ask Duke's owner
to take it out of his combat pay.Copy !req
200. I've got to go to the bathroom.Copy !req
201. I'm Hank Hill. Uh, this is Duke.Copy !req
202. We have an appointment with Dr. Leslie.Copy !req
203. What's the nature of your cat's problem?Copy !req
204. Uh… he's pooping in my shoes.Copy !req
205. Okay, go ahead and have a seat.Copy !req
206. And we ask that you please
not make eye contactCopy !req
207. with Mr. Javier's parrot.Copy !req
208. He's got anger issues.Copy !req
209. Hello, you must be Duke's caregiver.Copy !req
210. I'm Dr. Leslie.Copy !req
211. How are you feeling today, Mr. Duke?Copy !req
212. Uh, yeah, so, I don't know cats,Copy !req
213. so I can't really tell
if anything is wrong.Copy !req
214. That's the thing about animals.
They can't tell us what's wrong.Copy !req
215. And take it from me,
they can't understand our jokes.Copy !req
216. Why don't you gently restrain himCopy !req
217. so I can take some blood
and check his vitals?Copy !req
218. Uh, yeah, don't you have
a strap or a clamp or something?Copy !req
219. If you prefer, you could lay
on the examination tableCopy !req
220. and hold Duke to your chest.Copy !req
221. Mm-hmm.Copy !req
222. Very good.Copy !req
223. Well, everything seems normal, Mr. Hill.Copy !req
224. Oh, great, then I just need you
to sign this Army form stating that, uh,Copy !req
225. "Everything within reason has been doneCopy !req
226. to ensure the proper health
of said animal."Copy !req
227. Everything hasn't been done, Mr. Hill.Copy !req
228. Sure, Duke "looks" normal
but I did not spend four extra yearsCopy !req
229. specializing in small animal treatment
to just look.Copy !req
230. I want to do some more tests on Duke
to make sure we don't miss anything.Copy !req
231. EKG, MRI, maybe an iodine trace.Copy !req
232. Okay.Copy !req
233. First off, we're gonna need to ensureCopy !req
234. that Duke has been getting
the proper diet.Copy !req
235. Oh, I'm way ahead of you, Doctor.Copy !req
236. I already have him
on the Scientific Formula.Copy !req
237. You can't feed that to a cat.Copy !req
238. Mr. Hill, Duke should only be eating
Vet's Brand.Copy !req
239. You're asking me to spend $57
on a bag of cat food?Copy !req
240. Well, we can't expect Duke
to buy it on his salary.Copy !req
241. Uh, you see? Nothing.Copy !req
242. - Okay, that's gonna be $543.
- What?Copy !req
243. Bone density test?Copy !req
244. Lactose intolerance test? Allergy panel?Copy !req
245. I know it sounds a bit pricey,Copy !req
246. but these people
have all the best equipment.Copy !req
247. Well, almost all the best equipment.Copy !req
248. You never stop selling, do you, Tommy?Copy !req
249. You're in good hands. I don't have a pet,Copy !req
250. but I'd bring my son here,
if they'd let me.Copy !req
251. Listen, I can't afford this.Copy !req
252. I'm taking my family on vacation.Copy !req
253. I'm just doing this because
I made a pledge to the Army.Copy !req
254. I don't even like cats.Copy !req
255. That's it. Here, boy.Copy !req
256. Ah. Dang it.Copy !req
257. Okay, droop your eyelids.Copy !req
258. Now un-flare that nostril.
That's it. Perfect.Copy !req
259. Dad, look at my poker face.Copy !req
260. We are gonna take everything
from that riverboatCopy !req
261. but the paddle wheel.Copy !req
262. Uh, yeah. I'm sorry, you guys,Copy !req
263. but Duke's vet visit
just cost us the Riverboat stop.Copy !req
264. - What?
- What?Copy !req
265. This is no longer a valid TripTik.Copy !req
266. I knew it. I knew this whole thing
would blow up in our faces.Copy !req
267. Hank, let's just get rid of this cat.
It's ruining our lives.Copy !req
268. I can't do that.
It'll be fine, you'll see.Copy !req
269. Maybe we won't be able to stay in hotels,
but we can camp… in the car.Copy !req
270. Hill residence.Copy !req
271. It's Dr. Leslie.Copy !req
272. Duke's blood work came back,
and his blood sugar is normal…Copy !req
273. no adult-onset diabetes,
no hypertension, no hemophilia.Copy !req
274. Oh, that's great.Copy !req
275. But we did notice
his white blood cell count is up slightly.Copy !req
276. What does that mean?Copy !req
277. Could be nothing, could be cancer.Copy !req
278. I'm gonna need you to come in
with Duke right away.Copy !req
279. I'd like to do a complete physical workup
to cover all our bases.Copy !req
280. I also recommend this.
It's what we call a feline mobility cart.Copy !req
281. Wait. The cat can't walk?Copy !req
282. Of course he can walk.
But rolling is easier.Copy !req
283. You see, it may relieve
some pressure and redirect blood flow.Copy !req
284. Plus… alloy wheels.Copy !req
285. But all this could be for nothing, right?Copy !req
286. I mean, Duke may not have
anything wrong with him.Copy !req
287. Boy, that'd be great.Copy !req
288. - I'd like to go in.
- In?Copy !req
289. Do a small exploratory surgery,
rule some things out.Copy !req
290. What's that gonna cost me?Copy !req
291. Guesstimate?Copy !req
292. Between $1,000 and $2,000 and $3,000.Copy !req
293. That's a lot of money.Copy !req
294. See, my family and I were…Copy !req
295. kinda going on this vacation…Copy !req
296. Would it kill you not to go on vacation?Copy !req
297. Because it may kill Duke.Copy !req
298. Do you take traveler's checks?Copy !req
299. You and your stupid patriotism.Copy !req
300. I'm sure that cat will thank youCopy !req
301. for canceling our vacation
by hissing at you.Copy !req
302. I expanded my bladder for this trip.Copy !req
303. Thanks a lot, Dad.Copy !req
304. I can't believe what they want me to do
to get Duke ready for surgery.Copy !req
305. To keep him sterile,Copy !req
306. I have to put on
these little paper bootiesCopy !req
307. - before he uses the litter box.
- Excuse me.Copy !req
308. I believe your dog left this toy
in my yard.Copy !req
309. So sorry about that.Copy !req
310. He likes pretty ladies.Copy !req
311. Oh.Copy !req
312. Well, thank you.Copy !req
313. Here's my number, in case any more
of his toys go missing.Copy !req
314. Dad.Copy !req
315. Duke's wheels tracked poo
all over my bedsheets.Copy !req
316. Tiptop news, Mr. Hill.Copy !req
317. We've eliminated even a remote possibilityCopy !req
318. that Duke has lung cancer, stomach cancer,Copy !req
319. or pancreatic cancer.Copy !req
320. Oh, thank God.Copy !req
321. So, uh, can you sign the release?Copy !req
322. Now we can move on to Duke's
circulatory and skeletal systems.Copy !req
323. $150 for a feline enema?Copy !req
324. I could do it for half that.Copy !req
325. I wish I could let you, Peggy.Copy !req
326. Duke is bleeding us dry, Hank.Copy !req
327. I think it is time to take him
to our vet for a second opinion. Come on.Copy !req
328. You get the crate,
I'll get the oven mitts.Copy !req
329. That's a cute little cart you got him in.Copy !req
330. Do you have a little mouse
that rides in there, too?Copy !req
331. Uh, I swore I would do all that I could
for the care of this cat… in writing.Copy !req
332. Well, you've had him tested
from his brain to his behind.Copy !req
333. Sounds to me like you have.
You want me to sign that?Copy !req
334. Well, thank you, but I need
Duke's vet of choice to do it,Copy !req
335. Dr. Bradley Leslie.Copy !req
336. Oh, he's topnotch. Best in his field.Copy !req
337. Well, I was kinda hoping
you'd tell me he was a quack,Copy !req
338. and I wouldn't have to listen to him.Copy !req
339. And he's costing me a fortune.Copy !req
340. Well, he's got
all those new fancy machines.Copy !req
341. And if you've got the machines,
by God, you're gonna use them.Copy !req
342. But truth is, sometimes cats just get old.Copy !req
343. Duke's going to die someday,Copy !req
344. but not of anything he's got right now.Copy !req
345. But he keeps vomiting.Copy !req
346. Cats vomit. They eat, poop and vomit.Copy !req
347. That's what they do.Copy !req
348. So you're telling me
I sacrificed my family's vacationCopy !req
349. so this guy can pay
for his fancy machines?Copy !req
350. Yeah, you wouldn't believe
how much some of 'em go for.Copy !req
351. Tommy, how much one of those
ultra-magnetic doohickeysCopy !req
352. you keep yammering about set me back?Copy !req
353. The Magnetic Ultrasonic Imager 9220?Copy !req
354. You don't want to know.Copy !req
355. It's so expensive,
no one can make money on it.Copy !req
356. We only sold two:Copy !req
357. one in Beverly Hills and one in Aspen.Copy !req
358. I could have one delivered
within the week.Copy !req
359. So, wait. That machine's
even more expensiveCopy !req
360. than the ones Dr. Leslie has?Copy !req
361. Oh, yeah. He's got a 9210.
That's a solid unit.Copy !req
362. But this baby's seven percent
more accurate,Copy !req
363. and it comes in chrome.Copy !req
364. Can I have some of those brochures?Copy !req
365. Uh, just take one, though.
They're also really expensive.Copy !req
366. Mr. Hill.Copy !req
367. Teresa didn't tell me
you had an appointment.Copy !req
368. I don't. Look,
I just stopped by to tell youCopy !req
369. there will be no more surgeriesCopy !req
370. or tests or anything else done to my cat.Copy !req
371. And I want you to sign this.Copy !req
372. There are still several more tests
we can perform, Mr. Hill.Copy !req
373. You see, we have a responsibility
to these creatures.Copy !req
374. Duke can't tell us he wants to live…Copy !req
375. Yeah, yeah, I know
and he can't joke around.Copy !req
376. But I bet if he could talk,Copy !req
377. he'd say he wants to be put through
the Magnetic Ultrasonic Imager.Copy !req
378. I've got one of those.Copy !req
379. 9220.Copy !req
380. Says here that the 9220Copy !req
381. is seven percent more accurate
than the old 9210.Copy !req
382. Yes, but seven percent
more accuracyCopy !req
383. hardly justifies me
spending that kind of money.Copy !req
384. I'd have to use the machine on pets
and their owners to break even.Copy !req
385. It's just too expensive.Copy !req
386. Well, that seems like the kind of decisionCopy !req
387. you'd want to leave
to that woman and her bird,Copy !req
388. or that guy and…Copy !req
389. whatever the hell that thing is.Copy !req
390. I'm sure they'd like to know
you've been depriving themCopy !req
391. of the latest in full-body
diagnostic testing.Copy !req
392. I wish I had enough
of these pamphlets for everyone.Copy !req
393. Hey, I guess I could go out there
and read it out loud.Copy !req
394. Now hold on a minute.Copy !req
395. That machine would bankrupt me.Copy !req
396. I've got to draw the line somewhere.Copy !req
397. We all have to draw the line somewhere.Copy !req
398. Is that 9220 something
you should be using on Frank?Copy !req
399. You can keep that pen.Copy !req
400. It's from some company
that makes Viagra for lizards.Copy !req
401. Works for snakes, too.Copy !req
402. Well, it's 3:00.Copy !req
403. Right about now, Dr. Leslie
is turning Duke over to Private Hennessey.Copy !req
404. Look, I know this isn't the kind of trip
we all had in mind.Copy !req
405. Bobby, why don't you go ahead
and have the "21-Rib Salute?"Copy !req
406. Really? It's not an entree, it's an event.Copy !req
407. So, how much money do we have left
in the vacation fund?Copy !req
408. Ninety-eight dollars.Copy !req
409. Which means, well,
this is as far as we can go.Copy !req
410. You know, just being away from Duke
feels like a holiday.Copy !req
411. Good food, family, the Cowboys.Copy !req
412. Now this is what I call a dream vacation.Copy !req
413. Army sergeant Bill Dauterive
relinquishing command of Buster.Copy !req
414. On behalf of myself and the crew
of the USS Eisenhower,Copy !req
415. I say thank you.Copy !req
416. Wow.Copy !req
417. - How you getting home, Sergeant?
- I, I, uh…Copy !req
418. You ever pulled two Gs? Don't worry.
Buster'll sit on your lap.Copy !req
419. Oh, this has beena cat-astrophe.Copy !req