1. I wonder if I got anything!Copy !req
2. I'm not gonna get anything.Copy !req
3. I sure hope my
new driver's licenseCopy !req
4. finally shows up.Copy !req
5. I hear the new
security hologramsCopy !req
6. are outstanding.Copy !req
7. Maybe that's what's
holding things up.Copy !req
8. I'll tell you why your
license is taking so long.Copy !req
9. The U.S. Postal
Service is bogged downCopy !req
10. in the most elaborate
psy-ops campaign in history.Copy !req
11. First, they fatten us upCopy !req
12. with all those
two-for-one pizza coupons.Copy !req
13. Then when we're too
logy to put up a fight,Copy !req
14. they sell us off
to the Red Cross,Copy !req
15. who removes our kidneys
which go back on the pizzasCopy !req
16. to start the process
all over again.Copy !req
17. Did you mean for all those
words to come out togetherCopy !req
18. or did they just
fall out randomly?Copy !req
19. Hank, you're just a mouse caught
in the government's Habitrail.Copy !req
20. Ring the bell and
get your cheese, man.Copy !req
21. Howdy, Hank.Copy !req
22. You got somethingCopy !req
23. from the Department
of Public Safety.Copy !req
24. M y driver's license!Copy !req
25. We were just talking about that!Copy !req
26. Hm-mm...Copy !req
27. And I didn't forget
you, Mr. Gribble.Copy !req
28. How did you know my name?Copy !req
29. Go to hell.Copy !req
30. Hey, it's here!Copy !req
31. Guess what?Copy !req
32. - Driver's license.
- Driver's license.Copy !req
33. "Hank R. Hill.Copy !req
34. Brown." Yes, sir.Copy !req
35. "Weight 220." and
dang proud of it.Copy !req
36. "F?"Copy !req
37. That's female!Copy !req
38. Could you imagine Dad a woman?Copy !req
39. Now where did I
put my panty hose?Copy !req
40. Bobby, living room.Copy !req
41. Look at that, Peggy.Copy !req
42. Right over the Texas State Seal.Copy !req
43. It's not that big
of a deal, honey.Copy !req
44. Just ignore it.Copy !req
45. Nobody even checks IDs anymore.Copy !req
46. But what if I died in
some car accident,Copy !req
47. and because of my license,Copy !req
48. they put me in the
ladies' morgue?Copy !req
49. You can bet that'd
wind up on the news.Copy !req
50. Are you gonna wear that, Hank?Copy !req
51. Because I have a little purse
that would look so good...Copy !req
52. Peggy, living room!Copy !req
53. He-ya!Copy !req
54. I just had the worst dream.Copy !req
55. Oh.Copy !req
56. How about I read you a story?Copy !req
57. Just like I used to before
you got a mustacheCopy !req
58. and became so frightening.Copy !req
59. Here we go,Copy !req
60. the greatest fairy
tale ever told...Copy !req
61. It's got everything.Copy !req
62. The Prince of Camelot,Copy !req
63. rubies and magic bullets.Copy !req
64. "The gloomy overcast
sky had given wayCopy !req
65. to bright sunshine as Air Force
One touched down in Dallas..."Copy !req
66. "Lee Harvey Oswald
purchased a Coca-ColaCopy !req
67. "from a vending machineCopy !req
68. and was preparing to
eat a chicken lunch..."Copy !req
69. "The President's
motorcade proceededCopy !req
70. through downtown Dallas
towards Dealey Plaza."Copy !req
71. Why is it called
Dealey Plaza anyway?Copy !req
72. Hmm, excellent question, Joseph.Copy !req
73. Uh... Doesn't really say here...Copy !req
74. We could "see appendix"Copy !req
75. but that's what's been
keeping the kitchen tableCopy !req
76. from wobbling all these years.Copy !req
77. But, Dad, now I'll
never be able to sleep.Copy !req
78. How can I say no to those
beady little brown eyes.Copy !req
79. Wow, look at it all!Copy !req
80. Charts and footnotes and maps.Copy !req
81. Ooh, here's a cool
diagram of Dealey Plaza.Copy !req
82. So, the motorcade
was going west on...Copy !req
83. Wait, I thought they
were headed east.Copy !req
84. But, this is east.Copy !req
85. Wait, I'm all messed up here.Copy !req
86. Where's the grassy knoll?Copy !req
87. This isn't right.Copy !req
88. I always thought
west was this way...Copy !req
89. The motorcade turned and went...Copy !req
90. How could... I thought... But...Copy !req
91. West?Copy !req
92. Okay. So...Copy !req
93. heading west...Copy !req
94. The grassy knoll is
in front of Kennedy.Copy !req
95. The Book Depository
is behind him...Copy !req
96. But... but that makes sense.Copy !req
97. It can't make sense.Copy !req
98. It's the Warren Commission
report for God's sake!Copy !req
99. But that means the
government could be right.Copy !req
100. So, where's that
new license, Mrs. Hill?Copy !req
101. Or should I say Miss Hill?Copy !req
102. Can't go wrong with Ms.Copy !req
103. I don't know why everybody
thinks me being mistakenCopy !req
104. for a lady is funny. It's not.Copy !req
105. Is that funny?Copy !req
106. Nope. Nancy says
that Dale's really upsetCopy !req
107. about this Kennedy thing.Copy !req
108. We should probably talk to him.Copy !req
109. At least get him to
put on some pants.Copy !req
110. Dale?Copy !req
111. Hey, guys.Copy !req
112. How ya doing, buddy?Copy !req
113. I finally stopped crying...Copy !req
114. only because I started vomiting.Copy !req
115. I know that assassination
meant a lot to you, Dale.Copy !req
116. I'm sorry...Copy !req
117. My world view...
pffft, it's gone.Copy !req
118. I mean if they were
right about KennedyCopy !req
119. maybe we really
did go to the Moon.Copy !req
120. Oh, man, how could you not
know dang ol' direction, man?Copy !req
121. Everybody knows it's west, man.Copy !req
122. I didn't have a compassCopy !req
123. when I was reading the
freaking book, Boomhauer!Copy !req
124. Which direction are
you facing right now?Copy !req
125. Huh?Copy !req
126. Not so easy is it, Magellan?Copy !req
127. You've got other
conspiracies, Dale.Copy !req
128. You got, uh...Copy !req
129. Aliens.Copy !req
130. That's right... you got aliens.Copy !req
131. Why don't you tell us
about how the aliens are...Copy !req
132. are gonna do things?Copy !req
133. Don't you patronize me.Copy !req
134. I got to go to Dallas.Copy !req
135. I need to figure this thing out.Copy !req
136. Maybe if you showed
Dale your lady license,Copy !req
137. it would cheer him up.Copy !req
138. Uh, I just got my
driver's license in the mailCopy !req
139. and it says I'm a female.Copy !req
140. And how can I help you?Copy !req
141. Uh, well, I'm clearly not one.Copy !req
142. Then why did you mark
"F" on your application?Copy !req
143. I didn't.Copy !req
144. Now if you could just
change it for me? Please.Copy !req
145. We just don't "change"
driver's licenses anymore.Copy !req
146. I'll admit, in the old days
we used to take picturesCopy !req
147. of donkeys or
anything for a laugh...Copy !req
148. But all that changed
once the DPSCopy !req
149. became a division of the
Office of Homeland Security.Copy !req
150. Look, someone pressed the
wrong button on their computer.Copy !req
151. Can't you just fix it?Copy !req
152. I brought my birth certificate.Copy !req
153. I'm not the post office.Copy !req
154. You need to send this
to the Austin branch,Copy !req
155. registered mail, and bingo,Copy !req
156. they'll square it away
in four to six weeks.Copy !req
157. - Now if you'll step aside, ma'am.
- Ma'am?Copy !req
158. I can't get sued if I call
you what's on the license.Copy !req
159. Okay, stay calm.Copy !req
160. I'm in Dealey Plaza. It's 1963.Copy !req
161. I am President Kennedy
and I'm not going this way.Copy !req
162. I'm going this way.Copy !req
163. Texas School Book Depository.Copy !req
164. Sixth floor.Copy !req
165. It just makes absolute
total complete perfect sense!Copy !req
166. The grassy knoll!Copy !req
167. Kennedy was not
killed by a lone gunman!Copy !req
168. Tell me, brother!
Let me believe!Copy !req
169. Kennedy wasn't killed at all.Copy !req
170. He dropped out of a
false bottom in the limoCopy !req
171. and is now an easy-listening
DJ in Northern Michigan.Copy !req
172. Kennedy didn't get shot in '63.Copy !req
173. He slipped down to Mexico
where he got in on the ground floorCopy !req
174. of the Pollo Loco franchise.Copy !req
175. I don't know, I don't know...Copy !req
176. I mean, I thought I knew.Copy !req
177. But it turns out I didn't...Copy !req
178. Excuse me, sir. You okay?Copy !req
179. Okay, let's get you a hot
meal and get you taken care of.Copy !req
180. But... You'd do that for me?Copy !req
181. Just doing my job, sir.Copy !req
182. The DPS said they couldn't do itCopy !req
183. because of national security.Copy !req
184. What does the contents
of my underpantsCopy !req
185. have to do with
national security?Copy !req
186. Dale?Copy !req
187. Greetings, my fellow Americans.Copy !req
188. Uh, you know you
got the flags flyingCopy !req
189. right side up, there, Dale.Copy !req
190. Yep.Copy !req
191. Hey, did you guys knowCopy !req
192. that there's a star
for each state?Copy !req
193. Brilliant!Copy !req
194. You're a grand old flag.Copy !req
195. You're a something
something flag.Copy !req
196. And forever in
peace may you wave.Copy !req
197. You're the emblem
blah, the one blah, blah...Copy !req
198. So... now you love
the government?Copy !req
199. Give me liberty
or give me death!Copy !req
200. But only the kind
of liberty you findCopy !req
201. in a controlled,
well-regulated society.Copy !req
202. Uh, we are talking about
the U.S. government, right?Copy !req
203. Not another one you made upCopy !req
204. with your buddies
from the gun club?Copy !req
205. I figure if the government
was right about Kennedy,Copy !req
206. they must be right
about everything.Copy !req
207. Look at this.Copy !req
208. "Government warning:
Cigarettes cause cancer."Copy !req
209. Only a true friend tells you
the stuff you don't want to hear.Copy !req
210. I could've told you that, Dale.Copy !req
211. But you didn't, did you?Copy !req
212. Shame on you, Hank.Copy !req
213. The government has
always been there for me,Copy !req
214. and now it's time for
me to be there for it.Copy !req
215. Hey, who wants to go
down to the U.S. post officeCopy !req
216. and tell 'em what a
good job they're doing?Copy !req
217. Why don't we go down thereCopy !req
218. and find out what happened
to my birth certificate?Copy !req
219. I sent it registered mail,Copy !req
220. and the Department of Public
Safety still hasn't gotten it,Copy !req
221. and the post office
doesn't know where it is.Copy !req
222. You should be happy
you live in a countryCopy !req
223. that even has a post office.Copy !req
224. Show some gratitude.Copy !req
225. Hey, Dad, I was just thinking,Copy !req
226. if you really were a woman,Copy !req
227. that would make you
and mom lesbians.Copy !req
228. That's it! The cable's gone.Copy !req
229. He's right, Hank.Copy !req
230. We wouldn't even be married.Copy !req
231. We'd be domestic partners.Copy !req
232. We overcame years of scrutinyCopy !req
233. in a small but
meaningful ceremony.Copy !req
234. What? You want "documentation"Copy !req
235. of my gender?Copy !req
236. I don't get it.Copy !req
237. Isn't the Adam's appleCopy !req
238. I've been yelling at
you with proof enough?Copy !req
239. No, I'll need your
doctor to sign this formCopy !req
240. confirming you are the
gender you claim to be.Copy !req
241. This DPS is really amazing.Copy !req
242. I didn't know it was possibleCopy !req
243. to feel ignored and
violated at the same time.Copy !req
244. Now, get on your
god-dang computerCopy !req
245. and change my license!Copy !req
246. Are you making a threat to
a public safety employee?Copy !req
247. What?Copy !req
248. No, I-I'm not making a threat.Copy !req
249. Okay, then.Copy !req
250. Sha-sha-sha! Sha-sha!Copy !req
251. I'm so jacked up on America!Copy !req
252. Any of you boys mind if
I recite the Constitution?Copy !req
253. Sure. Sure, man,
go ahead on, man.Copy !req
254. "We the people,
in order to form..."Copy !req
255. Come on, Dale.Copy !req
256. I've had a long day.Copy !req
257. Courtesy of the U.S. of A.Copy !req
258. I love this country as
much as the next guy...Copy !req
259. Not if the next guy's me.Copy !req
260. Look, if the
government is so perfect,Copy !req
261. why did they send me a license
that says I'm a woman, huh?Copy !req
262. Because you're a woman.Copy !req
263. It makes so much sense.Copy !req
264. What?Copy !req
265. Do you really think
Hank's a woman?Copy !req
266. Not just your ideal of what
a perfect woman would be?Copy !req
267. Dale, if you actually
believe that I'm a woman,Copy !req
268. then you're crazier now
than you've ever been.Copy !req
269. Crazy? You tell
me what's crazier:Copy !req
270. that the government's
free cheese containedCopy !req
271. surveillance devices to
monitor America's underclass...Copy !req
272. As I once believed...
Or that you're a woman...Copy !req
273. As I now believe.Copy !req
274. If my country says
you're a woman,Copy !req
275. I say, "Enchante, madame."Copy !req
276. Whoa, I think you've hadCopy !req
277. enough to drink, sweetheart.Copy !req
278. Thanks for seeing me, Doctor.Copy !req
279. My regular physician
couldn't squeeze me in.Copy !req
280. I got this form from the DPS.Copy !req
281. I just need you to
say that I'm a man.Copy !req
282. Whoa, I'm not signing a
paper that "just says" anything.Copy !req
283. Those days went
out with house calls.Copy !req
284. But I'm clearly a man.Copy !req
285. Look, I am willing
to do a blood testCopy !req
286. and a genetic screening.Copy !req
287. That is proof positive
and not actionable.Copy !req
288. Can't you just do a,
you know... visual exam?Copy !req
289. Gender is not as cut and
dried as it used to be, Mr. Hill.Copy !req
290. Even if you have male organs,Copy !req
291. there's transsexual
hormone therapy,Copy !req
292. plastic surgery...Copy !req
293. Can't you tell the differenceCopy !req
294. between the ones made by GodCopy !req
295. and ones jerry-rigged out
of a toe and some old skin?Copy !req
296. Legally, no.Copy !req
297. These back issues of
Rosie are just fabulous.Copy !req
298. They said it would
take two to three weeksCopy !req
299. to get back my results...
you know, to prove I'm a man.Copy !req
300. Oh, why are you fighting
this so much, Hank?Copy !req
301. You know, my hair
stylist was telling meCopy !req
302. that I am a lipstick lesbian.Copy !req
303. Apparently, that's
the best kind.Copy !req
304. You are quite lucky.Copy !req
305. Bobby, get off the roof!Copy !req
306. If you're up there
with that cape again,Copy !req
307. so help me...Copy !req
308. Look! I thought with Old GloryCopy !req
309. over your head, you might feelCopy !req
310. a little more pride in
being an American.Copy !req
311. My shingles! Get
down here right now!Copy !req
312. Yeah, I bet it looks pretty
damn majestic from down there.Copy !req
313. Now, I could only fit 34 stars,Copy !req
314. so pretend it's
1861, if you would.Copy !req
315. I'm not messing around.Copy !req
316. I have proven I
can kick your assCopy !req
317. while standing on a ladder!Copy !req
318. Hank, I-I didn't see
you as a flag hater.Copy !req
319. I'm not... you painted
my entire god-dang roof!Copy !req
320. With the symbol of our
amazing government.Copy !req
321. Yeah, well, I don't want to talkCopy !req
322. about the government right now.Copy !req
323. I am so god-dang tiredCopy !req
324. of all the bureaucracy
and red tape.Copy !req
325. Uh-huh, uh-huh, I
hear what you're saying.Copy !req
326. Uh, I got some paint
remover at the house.Copy !req
327. I'll just...Copy !req
328. Office of Homeland Security?Copy !req
329. Wow! Is this Tom Ridge?Copy !req
330. Oh. Hello, Jeff.Copy !req
331. I would like to report
an anti-American.Copy !req
332. My neighbor is making
inflammatory remarksCopy !req
333. about the government,
and he is defacingCopy !req
334. an American flag as we speak.Copy !req
335. He is also in the process
of altering his identity.Copy !req
336. Hank Hill, 123 Rainey Street.Copy !req
337. Let's say an Apache helicopter
were to land over here.Copy !req
338. Would there be
room for its gun turretsCopy !req
339. to be pointed at,
say, Hank's house?Copy !req
340. You cannot speak
until my roof is spotless!Copy !req
341. Whoa. A black Suburban.Copy !req
342. The new models are much smallerCopy !req
343. and greener than last year's.Copy !req
344. Morning, gentlemen,
looking for a Hank Hill.Copy !req
345. Resisting arrest!Copy !req
346. Why don't we, uh, head inside?Copy !req
347. You think I'm a
threat to America?Copy !req
348. That was the call
we received, sir.Copy !req
349. Look, I've had some trouble
with my driver's license,Copy !req
350. but I love this country.Copy !req
351. It's illegal for us
to "profile" anyone,Copy !req
352. but I know what I'm looking for.Copy !req
353. Not that I'm looking for
anything in particular...Copy !req
354. But you're not it.Copy !req
355. Yeah, but who
made you think I was?Copy !req
356. I can't say. Maybe nobody.Copy !req
357. Maybe somebody.
Like I said, I can't say.Copy !req
358. Probably not him.Copy !req
359. No more, Dale!Copy !req
360. I've put up with some
giblet-headed thingsCopy !req
361. out of you in the past,Copy !req
362. but calling the FBI
on me... That's final!Copy !req
363. Why don't you both
have a nice cold beer?Copy !req
364. Beer always calms
everybody down.Copy !req
365. I'm sorry, but after the
stunt you just pulled,Copy !req
366. we are no longer friends.Copy !req
367. Fine. Nancy doesn't approve of
me having lady friends anyway.Copy !req
368. So he wormed his way
out of the usually firm graspCopy !req
369. of the FBI, did he?Copy !req
370. Looks like I'll have to
bring in ol' Hank myself.Copy !req
371. Soon the Bald Eagle will
be on him like white on rice.Copy !req
372. Or brown. Or yellow.Copy !req
373. Because our country
is a melting pot.Copy !req
374. Yep, I just have to bide my time
and wait for the right moment.Copy !req
375. Mail call.Copy !req
376. I have something
here for Mrs. Hill.Copy !req
377. Huh, I wonder which
one of you this is for.Copy !req
378. I'm getting tired of that joke.Copy !req
379. Seriously. It's
addressed to Mrs. Hill,Copy !req
380. but it's from the Texas
Propane Gas Association.Copy !req
381. The TPGA?Copy !req
382. Oh, God, I've been nominated for
Texas Propane Woman of the year!Copy !req
383. That tears it!Copy !req
384. They've pushed me too far!Copy !req
385. I'm going down to that DPSCopy !req
386. and I'm getting my license
fixed once and for all.Copy !req
387. I don't care if I have to
climb over that counterCopy !req
388. and do it myself!Copy !req
389. This is what I've
been biding for!Copy !req
390. An outburst!Copy !req
391. In a government institution!Copy !req
392. Octavio, plan F... Arlen DPS.Copy !req
393. What are you doing, sug?Copy !req
394. I'm sending the
police to respondCopy !req
395. to a "disturbance" at the DPS.Copy !req
396. And everyone will see
Hank Hill for what he truly is!Copy !req
397. An America hating he/she!Copy !req
398. You ought to be
ashamed of yourself, sug.Copy !req
399. Letting Hank get himself
into trouble like that.Copy !req
400. First lesson they taught
us at the Academy:Copy !req
401. do not get emotionally involved.Copy !req
402. What academy?Copy !req
403. Anyway, even if I
wanted to stop Hank,Copy !req
404. which I don't, it's too late.Copy !req
405. The wheels are in spin.Copy !req
406. You could go down
there and help him.Copy !req
407. Why should I do that?Copy !req
408. He's a threat to the government!Copy !req
409. The one that makes
sure my air is cleanCopy !req
410. and that my food has
only an acceptable amountCopy !req
411. of rat feces in it.Copy !req
412. He's your best friend.Copy !req
413. Don't you see?Copy !req
414. I've been undermining the
U.S. government for 40 years.Copy !req
415. This will help repay my debt.Copy !req
416. All I know, sug, is that
back when you were crazyCopy !req
417. and thought the
government was evil,Copy !req
418. who looked out for you?Copy !req
419. Next.Copy !req
420. All right, here it is:Copy !req
421. I have tried to be patient
with you, but I've had enough.Copy !req
422. My name is Hank
Hill, and I am a man.Copy !req
423. You are going to
change my licenseCopy !req
424. to reflect that or else.Copy !req
425. Is that a threat?Copy !req
426. If it has to be.Copy !req
427. Excuse me!Copy !req
428. What now, Dale?Copy !req
429. I am Dale Gribble,
American citizen,Copy !req
430. and I demand that you
help my disturbed friend here.Copy !req
431. I'm sorry, sir, but
the state requires...Copy !req
432. Listen,Copy !req
433. I've never been ableCopy !req
434. to say this in my whole life,Copy !req
435. but as of 2 p.m.
yesterday, I am a taxpayer!Copy !req
436. And I demand $36
worth of service!Copy !req
437. Sir, if you...Copy !req
438. I know the chain of commandCopy !req
439. starting with your
supervisor, Franklin Thomas,Copy !req
440. all the way upCopy !req
441. to the Under-intendent
of Transportation,Copy !req
442. Edward Dibble, whose
daughters, Pat and Ellie,Copy !req
443. played Ladybug Soccer
with the daughtersCopy !req
444. of the President of
the United States!Copy !req
445. And I'm not afraid to
make some phone calls!Copy !req
446. I'm your worst nightmare!Copy !req
447. I have a three-line phoneCopy !req
448. and nothing at all
to do with my time!Copy !req
449. Uh, here's your interim
driver's license, Mr. Hill.Copy !req
450. Please confirm the
information is correctCopy !req
451. and sign on the line.Copy !req
452. You really helped me
out back there, Dale.Copy !req
453. I appreciate it.Copy !req
454. No problem, friend.Copy !req
455. But I have to ask
you a tough question:Copy !req
456. Hank Hill,Copy !req
457. are you a man?Copy !req
458. Yes, Dale, I'm a man.Copy !req
459. Okay. I'm willing
to take that on faith.Copy !req
460. Here's what still
puzzles me, though.Copy !req
461. If you are a man, then
the government is wrong.Copy !req
462. Uh-huh.Copy !req
463. But if the government is right,Copy !req
464. and you really are a woman,Copy !req
465. they shouldn't have
caved so easily.Copy !req
466. That shows lack of conviction.Copy !req
467. Yeah, that's a
tough one all right.Copy !req
468. Huh. I got some thinking to do.Copy !req
469. Where did I put my pantyhose?Copy !req