King of the Hill 9x5

Directed by Anthony Lioi

Breckin Meyer as Joseph Gribble (voice) • Ernie Grunwald as (voice) • Scott Klace as Gerald / Tax Assessor (voice)

When Dale re-reads the Warren Commission Report, he is stunned to realize that maybe the government was right all along about who killed Kennedy. Dale decides to abandon his anti-government ways and becomes an insufferable flag-waving patriot. Meanwhile, Hank tries to battle through government red tape when his sex is listed as "female" on his new driver's license.

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Subtitle languages: English • Spanish • Brazilian Portuguese

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1. Here comes the mail!

2. I wonder if I got anything!

3. I'm not gonna get anything.

4. I sure hope my new driver's license

5. finally shows up.

6. I hear the new security holograms

7. are outstanding.

8. Maybe that's what's holding things up.

9. I'll tell you why your license is taking so long.

10. The U.S. Postal Service is bogged down

11. in the most elaborate psy-ops campaign in history.

12. First, they fatten us up

13. with all those two-for-one pizza coupons.

14. Then when we're too logy to put up a fight,

15. they sell us off to the Red Cross,

16. who removes our kidneys which go back on the pizzas

17. to start the process all over again.

18. Did you mean for all those words to come out together

19. or did they fall out randomly?

20. Hank, you're just a mouse caught in the government's Habitrail.

21. Ring the bell and get your cheese, man.

22. Howdy, Hank.

23. You got something

24. from the Department of Public Safety.

25. My driver's license!

26. We were just talking about that!

27. Hm-mm...

28. And I didn't forget you, Mr. Gribble.

29. How did you know my name?

30. Go to hell.

31. Hey, it's here!

32. Guess what—

33. Driver's license. Driver's license.

34. "Hank R. Hill.

35. Brown—" Yes, sir.

36. "Weight 220—" and dang proud of it.

37. "F?"

38. That's female!

39. Could you imagine Dad a woman?

40. Now where did I put my panty hose?

41. Bobby, living room.

42. Look at that, Peggy.

43. Right over the Texas State Seal.

44. It's not that big of a deal, honey.

45. Just ignore it.

46. Nobody even checks IDs anymore.

47. But what if I died in some car accident,

48. and because of my license,

49. they put me in the ladies' morgue?

50. You can bet that'd wind up on the news.

51. Are you gonna wear that, Hank?

52. Because I have a little purse that would look so good...

53. Peggy, living room!

54. He-ya!

55. I just had the worst dream.

56. Oh.

57. How about I read you a story?

58. Just like I used to before you got a mustache

59. and became so frightening.

60. Here we go,

61. the greatest fairy tale ever told...

62. It's got everything.

63. The Prince of Camelot,

64. Rubys and magic bullets.

65. "The gloomy overcast sky had given way

66. to bright sunshine as Air Force One touched down in Dallas..."

67. "Lee Harvey Oswald purchased a Coca-Cola

68. "from a vending machine

69. and was preparing to eat a chicken lunch..."

70. "The President's motorcade proceeded

71. through downtown Dallas towards Dealey Plaza."

72. Why is it called Dealey Plaza anyway?

73. Hmm, excellent question, Joseph.

74. Uh... Doesn't really say here...

75. We could "See Appendix"

76. but that's what's been keeping the kitchen table

77. from wobbling all these years.

78. But, Dad, now I'll never be able to sleep.

79. How can I say no to those beady little brown eyes.

80. Wow, look at it all!

81. Charts and footnotes and maps.

82. Ooh, here's a cool diagram of Dealey Plaza.

83. So, the motorcade was going west on...

84. Wait, I thought they were headed east.

85. but, this is east.

86. Wait, I'm all messed up here.

87. Where's the grassy knoll?

88. This isn't right.

89. I always thought west was this way...

90. The motorcade turned and went...

91. How could... I thought... But...

92. West?

93. Okay. So...

94. heading west—

95. the grassy knoll is in front of Kennedy.

96. The Book Depository is behind him...

97. But... but that makes sense.

98. It can't make sense.

99. It's the Warren Commission report for God's sake!

100. But that means the government could be right.

101. So, where's that new license, Mrs. Hill?

102. Or should I say Miss Hill?

103. Can't go wrong with Ms.

104. I don't know why everybody thinks me being mistaken

105. for a lady is funny. It's not.

106. Is that funny?

107. Nope. Nancy says that Dale's really upset

108. about this Kennedy thing.

109. We should probably talk to him.

110. At least get him to put on some pants.

111. Dale?

112. Hey, guys.

113. How ya doing, buddy?

114. I finally stopped crying...

115. only because I started vomiting.

116. I know that assassination meant a lot to you, Dale.

117. I'm sorry...

118. My world view... pffft, it's gone.

119. I mean if they were right about Kennedy

120. maybe we really did go to the moon.

121. Oh, man, how could you not know dang ol' direction, man?

122. Everybody knows it's west, man.

123. I didn't have a compass

124. when I was reading the freaking book, Boomhauer!

125. Which direction are you facing right now?

126. Huh?

127. Not so easy is it, Magellan?

128. You've got other conspiracies, Dale.

129. You got, uh...

130. Aliens.

131. That's right— you got aliens.

132. Why don't you tell us about how the aliens are...

133. are gonna do things?

134. Don't you patronize me.

135. I got to go to Dallas.

136. I need to figure this thing out.

137. Maybe if you showed Dale your lady license,

138. it would cheer him up.

139. Uh, I just got my driver's license in the mail

140. and it says I'm a female.

141. And how can I help you?

142. Uh, well, I'm clearly not one.

143. Then why did you mark "F" on your application?

144. I didn't.

145. Now if you could just change it for me? Please.

146. We just don't "change" driver's licenses anymore.

147. I'll admit, in the old days we used to take pictures

148. of donkeys or anything for a laugh—

149. but all that changed once the DPS

150. became a division of the Office of Homeland Security.

151. Look, someone pressed the wrong button on their computer.

152. Can't you just fix it?

153. I brought my birth certificate.

154. I'm not the post office.

155. You need to send this to the Austin branch—

156. registered mail— and bingo

157. they'll square it away in four to six weeks.

158. Now if you'll step aside, ma'am. Ma'am?

159. I can't get sued if I call you what's on the license.

160. Okay, stay calm.

161. I'm in Dealey Plaza. It's 1963.

162. I am President Kennedy and I'm not going this way.

163. I'm going this way.

164. Texas School Book Depository.

165. Sixth floor.

166. It just makes absolute total complete perfect sense!

167. The grassy knoll!

168. Kennedy was not killed by a lone gunman!

169. Tell me, brother! Let me believe!

170. Kennedy wasn't killed at all.

171. He dropped out of a false bottom in the limo

172. and is now an easy-listening DJ in Northern Michigan.

173. Kennedy didn't get shot in '63.

174. He slipped down to Mexico where he got in on the ground floor

175. of the Pollo Loco franchise.

176. I don't know, I don't know...

177. I mean, I thought I knew.

178. but it turns out I didn't...

179. Excuse me, sir. You okay?

180. Okay, let's get you a hot meal and get you taken care of.

181. But... You'd do that for me?

182. Just doing my job, sir.

183. The DPS said they couldn't do it

184. because of national security.

185. What does the contents of my underpants

186. have to do with national security?

187. Dale?

188. Greetings my fellow Americans.

189. Uh, you know you got the flags flying

190. right side up, there, Dale.

191. Yep.

192. Hey, did you guys know

193. that there's a star for each state?

194. Brilliant!

195. So... now you love the government?

196. Give me liberty or give me death!

197. But only the kind of liberty you find

198. in a controlled, well-regulated society.

199. Uh, we are talking about the U.S. government, right?

200. Not another one you made up

201. with your buddies from the gun club?

202. I figure if the government was right about Kennedy,

203. they must be right about everything.

204. Look at this.

205. "Government warning: Cigarettes cause cancer."

206. Only a true friend tells you the stuff you don't want to hear.

207. I could've told you that, Dale.

208. But you didn't, did you?

209. Shame on you, Hank.

210. The government has always been there for me,

211. and now it's time for me to be there for it.

212. Hey, who wants to go down to the U.S. post office

213. and tell 'em what a good job they're doing?

214. Why don't we go down there

215. and find out what happened to my birth certificate?

216. I sent it registered mail,

217. and the Department of Public Safety still hasn't gotten it,

218. and the post office doesn't know where it is.

219. You should be happy you live in a country

220. that even has a post office.

221. Show some gratitude.

222. Hey, Dad, I was just thinking,

223. if you really were a woman,

224. that would make you and mom lesbians.

225. That's it! The cable's gone.

226. He's right, Hank.

227. We wouldn't even be married.

228. We'd be domestic partners.

229. We overcame years of scrutiny

230. in a small but meaningful ceremony.

231. What? You want "documentation"

232. of my gender?

233. I don't get it.

234. Isn't the Adam's apple

235. I've been yelling at you with proof enough?

236. No, I'll need your doctor to sign this form

237. confirming you are the gender you claim to be.

238. This DPS is really amazing.

239. I didn't know it was possible

240. to feel ignored and violated at the same time.

241. Now, get on your got-dang computer

242. and change my license!

243. Are you making a threat to a public safety employee?

244. What?

245. No, I-I'm not making a threat.

246. Okay, then.

247. Sha-sha-sha! Sha-sha!

248. I'm so jacked up on America!

249. Any of you boys mind if I recite the Constitution?

250. Sure. Sure, man, go ahead on, man.

251. "We the people, in order to form..."

252. Come on, Dale.

253. I've had a long day.

254. Courtesy of the U.S. of A.

255. I love this country as much as the next guy...

256. Not if the next guy's me.

257. Look, if the government is so perfect,

258. why did they send me a license that says I'm a woman, huh?

259. Because you're a woman.

260. It makes so much sense.

261. What?

262. Do you really think

263. Hank's a woman?

264. Not just your ideal of what a perfect woman would be?

265. Dale, if you actually believe that I'm a woman,

266. then you're crazier now than you've ever been.

267. Crazy? You tell me what's crazier:

268. that the government's free cheese contained

269. surveillance devices to monitor America's underclass—

270. as I once believed— or that you're a woman—

271. as I now believe.

272. If my country says you're a woman,

273. I say, "Enchante, madame."

274. Whoa, I think you've had

275. enough to drink, sweetheart.

276. Thanks for seeing me, Doctor.

277. My regular physician couldn't squeeze me in.

278. I got this form from the DPS.

279. I just need you to say that I'm a man.

280. Whoa, I'm not signing a paper that "just says" anything.

281. Those days went out with house calls.

282. But I'm clearly a man.

283. Look, I am willing to do a blood test

284. and a genetic screening.

285. That is proof positive and not actionable.

286. Can't you just do a, you know... visual exam?

287. Gender is not as cut and dried as it used to be, Mr. Hill.

288. Even if you have male organs,

289. there's transsexual hormone therapy,

290. plastic surgery...

291. Can't you tell the difference

292. between the ones made by God

293. and ones jerry-rigged out of a toe and some old skin?

294. Legally, no.

295. These back issues of Rosie are just fabulous.

296. They said it would take two to three weeks

297. to get back my results... you know, to prove I'm a man.

298. Oh, why are you fighting this so much, Hank?

299. You know, my hair stylist was telling me

300. that I am a lipstick lesbian.

301. Apparently, that's the best kind.

302. You are quite lucky.

303. Bobby, get off the roof!

304. If you're up there with that cape again,

305. so help me...

306. Look! I thought with Old Glory

307. over your head, you might feel

308. a little more pride in being an American.

309. My shingles! Get down here right now!

310. Yeah, I bet it looks pretty damn majestic from down there.

311. Now, I could only fit 34 stars,

312. so pretend it's 1861, if you would.

313. I'm not messing around.

314. I have proven I can kick your ass

315. while standing on a ladder!

316. Hank, I-I didn't see you as a flag hater.

317. I'm not— you painted my entire got-dang roof!

318. With the symbol of our amazing government.

319. Yeah, well, I don't want to talk

320. about the government right now.

321. I am so got-dang tired

322. of all the bureaucracy and red tape.

323. Uh-huh, uh-huh, I hear what you're saying.

324. Uh, I got some paint remover at the house.

325. I'll just...

326. Office of Homeland Security?

327. Wow! Is this Tom Ridge?

328. Oh. Hello, Jeff.

329. I would like to report an anti-American.

330. My neighbor is making inflammatory remarks

331. about the government, and he is defacing

332. an American flag as we speak.

333. He is also in the process of altering his identity.

334. Hank Hill, 123 Rainey Street.

335. Let's say an Apache helicopter were to land over here.

336. Would there be room for its gun turrets

337. to be pointed at, say, Hank's house?

338. You cannot speak until my roof is spotless!

339. Whoa. A black Suburban.

340. The new models are much smaller

341. and greener than last year's.

342. Morning, gentlemen, looking for a Hank Hill.

343. Resisting arrest!

344. Why don't we, uh, head inside?

345. You think I'm a threat to America?

346. That was the call we received, sir.

347. Look, I've had some trouble with my driver's license,

348. but I love this country.

349. It's illegal for us to "profile" anyone,

350. but I know what I'm looking for.

351. Not that I'm looking for anything in particular—

352. but you're not it.

353. Yeah, but who made you think I was?

354. I can't say. Maybe nobody.

355. Maybe somebody. Like I said, I can't say.

356. Probably not him.

357. No more, Dale!

358. I've put up with some giblet-headed things

359. out of you in the past,

360. but calling the FBI on me— that's final!

361. Why don't you both have a nice cold beer?

362. Beer always calms everybody down.

363. I'm sorry, but after the stunt you just pulled,

364. we are no longer friends.

365. Fine. Nancy doesn't approve of me having lady friends anyway.

366. So he wormed his way out of the usually firm grasp

367. of the FBI, did he?

368. Looks like I'll have to bring in ol' Hank myself.

369. Soon the Bald Eagle will be on him like white on rice.

370. Or brown. Or yellow.

371. Because our country is a melting pot.

372. Yep, I just have to bide my time and wait for the right moment.

373. Mail call.

374. I have something here for Mrs. Hill.

375. Huh, I wonder which one of you this is for.

376. I'm getting tired of that joke.

377. Seriously. It's addressed to Mrs. Hill,

378. but it's from the Texas Propane Gas Association.

379. The TPGA?

380. Oh, God, I've been nominated for Texas Propane Woman of the year!

381. That tears it!

382. They've pushed me too far!

383. I'm going down to that DPS

384. and I'm getting my license fixed once and for all.

385. I don't care if I have to climb over that counter

386. and do it myself!

387. This is what I've been biding for!

388. An outburst!

389. In a government institution!

390. Octavio, plan F— Arlen DPS.

391. What are you doing, sug?

392. I'm sending the police to respond

393. to a "disturbance" at the DPS.

394. And everyone will see Hank Hill for what he truly is!

395. An America hating he/she!

396. You ought to be ashamed of yourself, sug.

397. Letting Hank get himself into trouble like that.

398. First lesson they taught us at the Academy:

399. do not get emotionally involved.

400. What academy?

401. Anyway, even if I wanted to stop Hank,

402. which I don't, it's too late.

403. The wheels are in spin.

404. You could go down there and help him.

405. Why should I do that?

406. He's a threat to the government!

407. The one that makes sure my air is clean

408. and that my food has only an acceptable amount

409. of rat feces in it.

410. He's your best friend.

411. Don't you see?

412. I've been undermining the U.S. government for 40 years.

413. This will help repay my debt.

414. All I know, sug, is that back when you were crazy

415. and thought the government was evil,

416. who looked out for you?

417. Next.

418. All right, here it is:

419. I have tried to be patient with you, but I've had enough.

420. My name is Hank Hill, and I am a man.

421. You are going to change my license

422. to reflect that or else.

423. Is that a threat?

424. If it has to be.

425. Excuse me!

426. What now, Dale?

427. I am Dale Gribble, American citizen,

428. and I demand that you help my disturbed friend here.

429. I'm sorry, sir, but the state requires...

430. Listen,

431. I've never been able

432. to say this in my whole life,

433. but as of 2 p.m. yesterday, I am a taxpayer!

434. And I demand $36 worth of service!

435. Sir, if you...

436. I know the chain of command

437. starting with your supervisor, Franklin Thomas,

438. all the way up

439. to the Under-intendent of Transportation,

440. Edward Dibble, whose daughters, Pat and Ellie,

441. played Ladybug Soccer with the daughters

442. of the President of the United States!

443. And I'm not afraid to make some phone calls!

444. I'm your worst nightmare!

445. I have a three-line phone

446. and nothing at all to do with my time!

447. Uh, here's your interim driver's license, Mr. Hill.

448. Please confirm the information is correct

449. and sign on the line.

450. You really helped me out back there, Dale.

451. I appreciate it.

452. No problem, friend.

453. But I have to ask you a tough question:

454. Hank Hill,

455. are you a man?

456. Yes, Dale, I'm a man.

457. Okay. I'm willing to take that on faith.

458. Here's what still puzzles me, though.

459. If you are a man, then the government is wrong.

460. Uh-huh.

461. But if the government is right,

462. and you really are a woman,

463. they shouldn't have caved so easily.

464. That shows lack of conviction.

465. Yeah, that's a tough one all right.

466. Huh. I got some thinking to do.

467. Where did I put my panty hose?