1. Here comes the mail.Copy !req
2. I wonder if I got anything.Copy !req
3. I'm not gonna get anything.Copy !req
4. I sure hope my new driver's license
finally shows up.Copy !req
5. I hear the new security holograms
are outstanding.Copy !req
6. Maybe that's what's holding things up.Copy !req
7. I'll tell you why your license
is taking so long.Copy !req
8. The US Postal Service is bogged downCopy !req
9. in the most elaborate
psy-ops campaign in history.Copy !req
10. First, they fatten us up
with all those two-for-one pizza coupons.Copy !req
11. Then when we're too logy
to put up a fight,Copy !req
12. they sell us off to the Red Cross,Copy !req
13. who removes our kidneys
which go back on the pizzasCopy !req
14. to start the process all over again.Copy !req
15. Did you mean for all those words
to come out togetherCopy !req
16. or did they just fall out randomly?Copy !req
17. Hank, you're just a mouse
caught in the government's Habitrail.Copy !req
18. Ring the bell and get your cheese, man.Copy !req
19. Howdy, Hank.Copy !req
20. You got something
from the Department of Public Safety.Copy !req
21. My driver's license.
We were just talking about that.Copy !req
22. Mm-hmm.Copy !req
23. And I didn't forget you, Mr. Gribble.Copy !req
24. How did you know my name?Copy !req
25. Go to hell.Copy !req
26. Hey, it's here. Guess what.Copy !req
27. - Driver's license.
- Driver's license.Copy !req
28. "Hank R. Hill.Copy !req
29. Brown." Yes, sir.Copy !req
30. "Weight 220." And dang proud of it.Copy !req
31. "F?"Copy !req
32. That's female.Copy !req
33. Could you imagine Dad a woman?Copy !req
34. Now where did I put
my panty hose?Copy !req
35. Bobby, living room.Copy !req
36. Look at that, Peggy.Copy !req
37. Right over the Texas State Seal.Copy !req
38. It's not that big of a deal, honey.Copy !req
39. Just ignore it.Copy !req
40. Nobody even checks IDs anymore.Copy !req
41. But what if I died in some car accident,Copy !req
42. and because of my license,
they put me in the ladies' morgue?Copy !req
43. You can bet that'd wind up on the news.Copy !req
44. Are you gonna wear that, Hank?Copy !req
45. Because I have a little purse
that would look so good…Copy !req
46. Peggy, living room.Copy !req
47. Huh?Copy !req
48. He-ya.Copy !req
49. I just had the worst dream.Copy !req
50. Oh.Copy !req
51. How about I read you a story?Copy !req
52. Just like I used to
before you got a mustacheCopy !req
53. and became so frightening.Copy !req
54. Here we go,Copy !req
55. the greatest fairy tale ever told…Copy !req
56. It's got everything.Copy !req
57. The Prince of Camelot,Copy !req
58. Rubys and magic bullets.Copy !req
59. "The gloomy overcast sky had given way
to bright sunshineCopy !req
60. as Air Force One touched down
in Dallas…"Copy !req
61. "Lee Harvey Oswald purchased a Coca-Cola
from a vending machineCopy !req
62. and was preparing to eat
a chicken lunch…"Copy !req
63. "The President's motorcade proceededCopy !req
64. through downtown Dallas
towards Dealey Plaza."Copy !req
65. Why is it called Dealey Plaza anyway?Copy !req
66. Hmm, excellent question, Joseph.Copy !req
67. Uh… Doesn't really say here…Copy !req
68. We could "see appendix,"Copy !req
69. but that's what's been keeping
the kitchen tableCopy !req
70. from wobbling all these years.Copy !req
71. But, Dad, now I'll never be able to sleep.Copy !req
72. How can I say no
to those beady little brown eyes.Copy !req
73. Wow, look at it all.Copy !req
74. Charts and footnotes and maps.Copy !req
75. Ooh, here's a cool diagram
of Dealey Plaza.Copy !req
76. So, the motorcade was going west on…Copy !req
77. Wait, I thought they were headed east,Copy !req
78. but, hah, this is east.Copy !req
79. Wait, I'm all messed up here.Copy !req
80. Where's the grassy knoll?Copy !req
81. This isn't right.Copy !req
82. I always thought west was this way…Copy !req
83. The motorcade turned and went…Copy !req
84. How could… I thought… But…Copy !req
85. West?Copy !req
86. Okay.Copy !req
87. So… heading west…Copy !req
88. the grassy knoll is in front of Kennedy.Copy !req
89. The Book Depository is behind him…Copy !req
90. But… but that makes sense.Copy !req
91. It can't make sense.Copy !req
92. It's the Warren Commission report
for God's sake.Copy !req
93. But that means the government
could be right.Copy !req
94. So, where's that new license, Mrs. Hill?Copy !req
95. Or should I say Miss Hill?Copy !req
96. Can't go wrong with miss.Copy !req
97. I don't know why everybody thinks
me being mistaken for a lady is funny.Copy !req
98. It's not.Copy !req
99. Is that funny?Copy !req
100. Nope. Nancy says that Dale's really upset
about this Kennedy thing.Copy !req
101. We should probably talk to him.Copy !req
102. At least get him to put on some pants.Copy !req
103. Dale?Copy !req
104. Hey, guys.Copy !req
105. How ya doing, buddy?Copy !req
106. I finally stopped crying…Copy !req
107. only because I started vomiting.Copy !req
108. I know that assassination
meant a lot to you, Dale.Copy !req
109. I'm sorry, uh…Copy !req
110. My world view… pffft, it's gone.Copy !req
111. I mean, if they were right about Kennedy,
maybe we really did go to the moon.Copy !req
112. Oh, man, how could you not know
dang ol' direction, man?Copy !req
113. Everybody knows it's west, man.Copy !req
114. I didn't have a compassCopy !req
115. when I was reading
the freaking book, Boomhauer.Copy !req
116. Which direction are you facing right now?Copy !req
117. Huh? Not so easy, is it, Magellan?Copy !req
118. You've got other conspiracies, Dale.
You got, uh…Copy !req
119. Uh… Aliens.Copy !req
120. That's right, you got aliens.Copy !req
121. Why don't you tell us about
how the aliens are…Copy !req
122. are gonna do things?Copy !req
123. Don't you patronize me.Copy !req
124. I got to go to Dallas.Copy !req
125. I need to figure this thing out.Copy !req
126. Maybe if you showed Dale
your lady license,Copy !req
127. it would cheer him up.Copy !req
128. Uh, I just got my driver's license
in the mail,Copy !req
129. and it says I'm a female.Copy !req
130. And how can I help you?Copy !req
131. Uh, well, I'm clearly not one.Copy !req
132. Then why did you mark "F"
on your application?Copy !req
133. I didn't.Copy !req
134. Now if you could just change it for me?
Please.Copy !req
135. We just don't "change"
driver's licenses anymore.Copy !req
136. I'll admit, in the old days,Copy !req
137. we used to take pictures
of donkeys or anything for a laugh,Copy !req
138. but all that changed once the DPSCopy !req
139. became a division of the Office
of Homeland Security.Copy !req
140. Look, someone pressed
the wrong button on their computer.Copy !req
141. Can't you just fix it?
I brought my birth certificate.Copy !req
142. I'm not the post office.Copy !req
143. You need to send this
to the Austin branch,Copy !req
144. registered mail, and bingo,Copy !req
145. they'll square it away
in four to six weeks.Copy !req
146. - Now if you'll step aside, ma'am.
- Ma'am?Copy !req
147. I can't get sued
if I call you what's on the license.Copy !req
148. Eh…Copy !req
149. Okay, stay calm.Copy !req
150. I'm in Dealey Plaza. It's 1963.Copy !req
151. I am President Kennedy
and I'm not going this way.Copy !req
152. I'm going this way.Copy !req
153. Texas School Book Depository.Copy !req
154. Sixth floor.Copy !req
155. It just makes absolute
total complete perfect sense.Copy !req
156. The grassy knoll.Copy !req
157. Kennedy was not killed by a lone gunman.Copy !req
158. Tell me, brother. Let me believe.Copy !req
159. Kennedy wasn't killed at all.Copy !req
160. He dropped out of a false bottom
in the limoCopy !req
161. and is now an easy-listening DJ
in Northern Michigan.Copy !req
162. Kennedy didn't get shot in '63.Copy !req
163. He slipped down to MexicoCopy !req
164. where he got in on the ground floor
of the Pollo Loco franchise.Copy !req
165. I don't know, I don't know…Copy !req
166. I mean, I thought I knew,
but it turns out I didn't…Copy !req
167. Excuse me, sir. You okay?Copy !req
168. Okay, let's get you a hot meal
and get you taken care of.Copy !req
169. But… You'd do that for me?Copy !req
170. Just doing my job, sir.Copy !req
171. The DPS said they couldn't do it
because of national security.Copy !req
172. What does the contents of my underpantsCopy !req
173. have to do with national security?Copy !req
174. Dale?Copy !req
175. Greetings, my fellow Americans.Copy !req
176. Uh, you know you got the flags flying
right side up, there, Dale.Copy !req
177. Yep.Copy !req
178. Hey, did you guys know
that there's a star for each state?Copy !req
179. Brilliant.Copy !req
180. So… now you love the government?Copy !req
181. Give me liberty or give me death.Copy !req
182. But only the kind of liberty you find
in a controlled, well-regulated society.Copy !req
183. Uh, we are talking about
the US government, right?Copy !req
184. Not another one you made up
with your buddies from the gun club?Copy !req
185. I figure if the government
was right about Kennedy,Copy !req
186. they must be right about everything.
Look at this.Copy !req
187. "Government warning:
Cigarettes cause cancer."Copy !req
188. Only a true friend tells you the stuff
you don't want to hear.Copy !req
189. I could've told you that, Dale.Copy !req
190. - But you didn't, did you?
- Shame on you, Hank.Copy !req
191. The government
has always been there for me,Copy !req
192. and now it's time for me
to be there for it.Copy !req
193. Hey, who wants to go down
to the US post officeCopy !req
194. and tell 'em what a good job
they're doing?Copy !req
195. Why don't we go down thereCopy !req
196. and find out what happened
to my birth certificate?Copy !req
197. I sent it registered mail,Copy !req
198. and the Department of Public Safety
still hasn't gotten it,Copy !req
199. and the post office
doesn't know where it is.Copy !req
200. You should be happy you live in a country
that even has a post office.Copy !req
201. Show some gratitude.Copy !req
202. Hey, Dad, I was just thinking,Copy !req
203. if you really were a woman,Copy !req
204. that would make you and mom lesbians.Copy !req
205. That's it. The cable's gone.Copy !req
206. He's right, Hank.Copy !req
207. We wouldn't even be married.Copy !req
208. We'd be domestic partners.Copy !req
209. We overcame years of scrutiny
in a small but meaningful ceremony.Copy !req
210. Huh.Copy !req
211. What? You want "documentation"
of my gender?Copy !req
212. I don't get it.Copy !req
213. Isn't the Adam's apple I've been yelling
at you with proof enough?Copy !req
214. No, I'll need your doctor
to sign this formCopy !req
215. confirming you are the gender
you claim to be.Copy !req
216. This DPS is really amazing.Copy !req
217. I didn't know it was possibleCopy !req
218. to feel ignored and violated
at the same time.Copy !req
219. Now, get on your got-dang computer
and change my license.Copy !req
220. Are you making a threat
to a public safety employee?Copy !req
221. What?Copy !req
222. No, I, I'm not making a threat.Copy !req
223. Okay, then.Copy !req
224. Sha-sha-sha. Sha-sha.
I'm so jacked up on America.Copy !req
225. Any of you boys mind
if I recite the Constitution?Copy !req
226. - Sure.
- Sure, man, go ahead on, man.Copy !req
227. - "We the people, in order to form…"
- Come on, Dale.Copy !req
228. I've had a long day.Copy !req
229. Courtesy of the US of A.Copy !req
230. I love this country
as much as the next guy…Copy !req
231. Not if the next guy's me.Copy !req
232. Look, if the government is so perfect,Copy !req
233. why did they send me a license
that says I'm a woman, huh?Copy !req
234. Because you're a woman.
It makes so much sense.Copy !req
235. - What?
- Do you really think Hank's a woman?Copy !req
236. Not just your ideal
of what a perfect woman would be?Copy !req
237. Dale, if you actually believe
that I'm a woman,Copy !req
238. then you're crazier now
than you've ever been.Copy !req
239. Crazy? You tell me what's crazier.Copy !req
240. That the government's free cheese
contained surveillance devicesCopy !req
241. to monitor America's underclass…Copy !req
242. as I once believed,
or that you're a womanCopy !req
243. as I now believe.Copy !req
244. If my country says you're a woman,
I say, "Enchante, madame."Copy !req
245. Mm. Whoa, I think you've had
enough to drink, sweetheart.Copy !req
246. Thanks for seeing me, Doctor.Copy !req
247. My regular physician
couldn't squeeze me in.Copy !req
248. I got this form from the DPS.Copy !req
249. I just need you to say that I'm a man.Copy !req
250. Whoa, I'm not signing a paper
that "just says" anything.Copy !req
251. Those days went out with house calls.Copy !req
252. But I'm clearly a man.Copy !req
253. Look, I am willing to do a blood test
and a genetic screening.Copy !req
254. That is proof positive and not actionable.Copy !req
255. Can't you just do a, you know…Copy !req
256. visual exam?Copy !req
257. Gender is not as cut and dried
as it used to be, Mr. Hill.Copy !req
258. Even if you have male organs,
there's transsexual hormone therapy,Copy !req
259. plastic surgery…Copy !req
260. Can't you tell the difference
between the ones made by GodCopy !req
261. and ones jerry-rigged out of a toe
and some old skin?Copy !req
262. Legally, no.Copy !req
263. These back issues of Rosie
are just fabulous.Copy !req
264. They said it would take two to three weeksCopy !req
265. to get back my results…
you know, to prove I'm a man.Copy !req
266. Oh, why are you fighting this so much,
Hank?Copy !req
267. You know, my hair stylist was telling me
that I am a lipstick lesbian.Copy !req
268. Apparently, that's the best kind.
You are quite lucky.Copy !req
269. Bobby, get off the roof.Copy !req
270. If you're up there with that cape again,Copy !req
271. so help me…Copy !req
272. Look. I thought with Old Glory
over your head,Copy !req
273. you might feel a little more pride
in being an American.Copy !req
274. My shingles. Get down here right now.Copy !req
275. Yeah, I bet it looks pretty
damn majestic from down there.Copy !req
276. Now, I could only fit 34 stars,Copy !req
277. so pretend it's 1861, if you would.Copy !req
278. I'm not messing around.Copy !req
279. I have proven I can kick your ass
while standing on a ladder.Copy !req
280. Hank, I, I didn't see you as a flag hater.Copy !req
281. I'm not.
You painted my entire got-dang roof.Copy !req
282. With the symbol of our amazing government.Copy !req
283. Yeah, well, I don't want to talk
about the government right now.Copy !req
284. I am so got-dang tired
of all the bureaucracy and red tape.Copy !req
285. Uh-huh, uh-huh, I hear what you're saying.Copy !req
286. Uh, I got some paint remover at the house.Copy !req
287. I'll just…Copy !req
288. Office of Homeland Security?Copy !req
289. Wow. Is this Tom Ridge?Copy !req
290. Oh. Hello, Jeff.Copy !req
291. I would like to report an anti-American.Copy !req
292. My neighbor is making inflammatory remarks
about the government,Copy !req
293. and he is defacing
an American flag as we speak.Copy !req
294. He is also in the process
of altering his identity.Copy !req
295. Hank Hill, 123 Rainey Street.Copy !req
296. Let's say an Apache helicopter
were to land over here.Copy !req
297. Would there be room for its gun turrets
to be pointed at, say, Hank's house?Copy !req
298. You cannot speak
until my roof is spotless.Copy !req
299. Whoa. A black Suburban.Copy !req
300. The new models are much smaller
and greener than last year's.Copy !req
301. Morning, gentlemen,
looking for a Hank Hill.Copy !req
302. Resisting arrest.Copy !req
303. Why don't we, uh, head inside?Copy !req
304. You think I'm a threat to America?Copy !req
305. That was the call we received, sir.Copy !req
306. Look, I've had some trouble
with my driver's license,Copy !req
307. but I love this country.Copy !req
308. It's illegal for us to "profile" anyone,
but I know what I'm looking for.Copy !req
309. Not that I'm looking for
anything in particular,Copy !req
310. but you're not it.Copy !req
311. Yeah, but who made you think I was?Copy !req
312. I can't say. Maybe nobody.Copy !req
313. Maybe somebody. Like I said, I can't say.Copy !req
314. Probably not him.Copy !req
315. No more, Dale.Copy !req
316. I've put up with some giblet-headed things
out of you in the past,Copy !req
317. but calling the FBI on me, that's final.Copy !req
318. Why don't you both have a nice cold beer?
Beer always calms everybody down.Copy !req
319. I'm sorry, but after the stunt
you just pulled,Copy !req
320. we are no longer friends.Copy !req
321. Fine. Nancy doesn't approve of me
having lady friends anyway.Copy !req
322. So he wormed his way out
of the usually firm graspCopy !req
323. of the FBI, did he?Copy !req
324. Well, looks like I'll have
to bring in ol' Hank myself.Copy !req
325. Soon the Bald Eagle
will be on him like white on rice.Copy !req
326. Or brown. Or yellow.Copy !req
327. Because our country is a melting pot.Copy !req
328. Yep, I just have to bide my time
and wait for the right moment.Copy !req
329. Mail call.Copy !req
330. I have something here for Mrs. Hill.Copy !req
331. Huh, I wonder which one of you
this is for.Copy !req
332. I'm getting tired of that joke.Copy !req
333. Seriously. It's addressed to Mrs. Hill,Copy !req
334. but it's from the Texas
Propane Gas Association.Copy !req
335. The TPGA?Copy !req
336. Oh, God, I've been nominated
for Texas Propane Woman of the year.Copy !req
337. That tears it. They've pushed me too far.Copy !req
338. I'm going down to that DPS,Copy !req
339. and I'm getting my license fixed
once and for all.Copy !req
340. I don't care if I have to climb over
that counter and do it myself.Copy !req
341. This is what I've been biding for.
An outburst.Copy !req
342. In a government institution.Copy !req
343. Octavio, plan F, Arlen DPS.Copy !req
344. What are you doing, sug?Copy !req
345. I'm sending the police to respond
to a "disturbance" at the DPS.Copy !req
346. And everyone will see Hank Hill
for what he truly is.Copy !req
347. An America hating he/she.Copy !req
348. You ought to be ashamed of yourself, sug.Copy !req
349. Letting Hank get himself
into trouble like that.Copy !req
350. First lesson they taught us
at the Academy.Copy !req
351. Do not get emotionally involved.Copy !req
352. What academy?Copy !req
353. Anyway, even if I wanted to stop Hank,
which I don't, it's too late.Copy !req
354. The wheels are in spin.Copy !req
355. You could go down there and help him.Copy !req
356. Why should I do that?
He's a threat to the government.Copy !req
357. The one that makes sure my air is cleanCopy !req
358. and that my food has only
an acceptable amount of rat feces in it.Copy !req
359. He's your best friend.Copy !req
360. Don't you see?Copy !req
361. I've been undermining
the US government for 40 years.Copy !req
362. This will help repay my debt.Copy !req
363. All I know, sug,
is that back when you were crazyCopy !req
364. and thought the government was evil,
who looked out for you?Copy !req
365. Next.Copy !req
366. All right, here it is.Copy !req
367. I have tried to be patient with you,
but I've had enough.Copy !req
368. My name is Hank Hill, and I am a man.Copy !req
369. You are gonna change my license
to reflect that or else.Copy !req
370. Is that a threat?Copy !req
371. If it has to be.Copy !req
372. - Excuse me.
- What now, Dale?Copy !req
373. I am Dale Gribble, American citizen,Copy !req
374. and I demand that
you help my disturbed friend here.Copy !req
375. - I'm sorry, sir, but the state requires…
- Listen,Copy !req
376. I've never been able
to say this in my whole life,Copy !req
377. but as of 2 p.m. yesterday,
I am a taxpayer.Copy !req
378. And I demand $36 worth of service.Copy !req
379. - Sir, if you…
- I know the chain of commandCopy !req
380. starting with your supervisor,
Franklin Thomas,Copy !req
381. all the way up to the Under-intendent
of Transportation, Edward Dibble,Copy !req
382. whose daughters, Pat and Ellie,Copy !req
383. played Ladybug Soccer with the daughters
of the President of the United States.Copy !req
384. And I'm not afraid
to make some phone calls.Copy !req
385. I'm your worst nightmare.Copy !req
386. I have a three-line phone
and nothing at all to do with my time.Copy !req
387. Uh,Copy !req
388. here's your interim driver's license,
Mr. Hill.Copy !req
389. Please confirm the information is correct
and sign on the line.Copy !req
390. You really helped me out back there, Dale.Copy !req
391. - I appreciate it.
- No problem, friend.Copy !req
392. But I have to ask you a tough question.Copy !req
393. Hank Hill,Copy !req
394. are you a man?Copy !req
395. Yes, Dale, I'm a man.Copy !req
396. Okay. I'm willing to take that on faith.Copy !req
397. Here's what still puzzles me, though.Copy !req
398. If you are a man,
then the government is wrong.Copy !req
399. Uh-huh.Copy !req
400. But if the government is right,
and you really are a woman,Copy !req
401. they shouldn't have caved so easily.Copy !req
402. That shows lack of conviction.Copy !req
403. Yeah, that's a tough one all right.Copy !req
404. Huh.Copy !req
405. I got some thinking to do.Copy !req
406. Where did I put my panty hose?Copy !req