1. Why would anyone do drugs
when they could just mow a lawn?Copy !req
2. Hank, we were all
out of your sports drink,Copy !req
3. so I blended some lemonadeCopy !req
4. with a few of Bobby's
chewable vitamins.Copy !req
5. If you want,Copy !req
6. we can call it "Lemon-ator-ade."Copy !req
7. I gotta say,Copy !req
8. we walk through this
neighborhood all the time,Copy !req
9. and you have the mostCopy !req
10. beautifully maintained house.Copy !req
11. What's your secret to
keeping the grass so green?Copy !req
12. Uh... Oh, it's simple, really.Copy !req
13. We water it.Copy !req
14. Uh, actually, it's
not that simple.Copy !req
15. Every three weeks
I put down a 28-3-3Copy !req
16. mix of fertilizer
and weed control.Copy !req
17. Oh.Copy !req
18. Well, it's not just the lawn.Copy !req
19. It's all the
attention to detail.Copy !req
20. Like the way the brass
door knocker sets offCopy !req
21. the color of the trim.Copy !req
22. Oh, right.Copy !req
23. And it matches
the hinges perfectly.Copy !req
24. Did it come as a set?Copy !req
25. Well... I'm not sure.Copy !req
26. Interesting story about
the screws in those hinges...Copy !req
27. Hey, you want to see
something really great?Copy !req
28. Just look at these drapesCopy !req
29. and tell me they're
not real velvet, huh?Copy !req
30. Interesting story...Copy !req
31. I bought these the day
John Lennon was shot.Copy !req
32. What was I thinking?Copy !req
33. Dragging those
people off the street.Copy !req
34. They probably
thought I was nuts.Copy !req
35. Yeah, I was a little
confused myself.Copy !req
36. I guess it just hit me.Copy !req
37. I have nothing to do with
our house's curb appeal.Copy !req
38. Hank, from now onCopy !req
39. I am becoming more
involved in the front yard.Copy !req
40. Maybe plant some exotic flowers.Copy !req
41. Something that says,
"Peggy Hill lives here."Copy !req
42. The front yard, huh?Copy !req
43. I tell you what.Copy !req
44. How about we
repaint the kitchen?Copy !req
45. You can pick out any
shade of white you want:Copy !req
46. eggshell, ivory, Swiss coffee.Copy !req
47. Sky's the limit.Copy !req
48. The front yard is the
statement a home makesCopy !req
49. to the rest of the world.Copy !req
50. Right now, it's your statement.Copy !req
51. It should be our statement.Copy !req
52. Well, I guess we could try a
few flowers under the windows.Copy !req
53. But nothing that climbs.Copy !req
54. Yep.Copy !req
55. Mm, yep.Copy !req
56. What the...?Copy !req
57. How do you like
Joseph's new minibike?Copy !req
58. He won it off me
in a poker game.Copy !req
59. You know, that
bike's not street legal.Copy !req
60. All right. Joseph,
get off the street!Copy !req
61. No, not on the lawns!Copy !req
62. Boy, Hank, you sure
got a lot of arbitrary rules.Copy !req
63. Lotta dang ol' flowers, man.Copy !req
64. Talkin' 'bout an
ol' Algernon man.Copy !req
65. Talkin' 'bout ol'
Cliff Robertson,Copy !req
66. I tell you what, man.Copy !req
67. Got-dang ol' five
cents a minute, man.Copy !req
68. Yeah, Peggy's fixing
up the front yard a bit.Copy !req
69. Gee, Hank,Copy !req
70. if your wife wants to
screw something up,Copy !req
71. why can't she just
stick to Bobby?Copy !req
72. It'll be fine.Copy !req
73. The plants have little tagsCopy !req
74. with instructions on 'em.Copy !req
75. Please don't ruin my yard.Copy !req
76. Congratulations, Bill.Copy !req
77. You no longer have
the worst yard in Arlen.Copy !req
78. Peggy's traveling
circus of deathCopy !req
79. has seen to that.Copy !req
80. Yeah, man, she just like
the dang ol' grim reaper, man.Copy !req
81. Talkin' 'bout them
ol' sunflowers.Copy !req
82. And then them petunias.Copy !req
83. And the ol' daisies, too, man.Copy !req
84. "Help me!"Copy !req
85. She's trying so hard.Copy !req
86. Joseph, that is not a toy!Copy !req
87. Hey, you put a dent in it.Copy !req
88. Sorry, Dad.Copy !req
89. I sorta crashed into
a telephone pole.Copy !req
90. I don't care what you...!Copy !req
91. Oh...Copy !req
92. I can't stay mad at you.Copy !req
93. Bet you can't steer
that thing with your feet.Copy !req
94. So, uh, Peggy, maybe it's timeCopy !req
95. to pull up some of
those dead plants.Copy !req
96. They're not dead.Copy !req
97. They just need
some more sunlight.Copy !req
98. There's no damn sun!Copy !req
99. Well, maybe if you...Copy !req
100. No one asked for
your opinion, okay?Copy !req
101. Okay, I'm sorry.Copy !req
102. I just really want to
do this on my own.Copy !req
103. Listen to your
husband, Peggy Hill.Copy !req
104. If there's one thingCopy !req
105. that brillo-haired
hillbilly can do,Copy !req
106. it's farm.Copy !req
107. Angel of Death
meet Old MacDonald!Copy !req
108. I tried perennials,
I tried annuals,Copy !req
109. I tried succulents...Copy !req
110. Well, you just
got to keep tryingCopy !req
111. until you find the right thing,Copy !req
112. and when you finally
do, you'll know it.Copy !req
113. Thank you, Hank.Copy !req
114. She just touched your arm.Copy !req
115. Quick, amputate!Copy !req
116. Excuse me, do
you know of a plantCopy !req
117. that can withstand
over-watering,Copy !req
118. inadequate fertilization,Copy !req
119. and perhaps some
over-zealous pruning?Copy !req
120. Yeah, they're called weeds.Copy !req
121. Great, give me a tray of...Copy !req
122. You know, hotshot, you may thinkCopy !req
123. you have the world
by the tail right now,Copy !req
124. making five dollars an hour,Copy !req
125. with that ridiculous
red vest and...Copy !req
126. Just give us a
flat of impatiens.Copy !req
127. I'm not done with you, Pimples.Copy !req
128. Impatiens.Copy !req
129. Everyone has impatiens.Copy !req
130. How is that going to
wow the pants off anyone?Copy !req
131. Ooh! An estate sale. Pull over.Copy !req
132. Dead people have tons of clothesCopy !req
133. that they don't want anymore.Copy !req
134. Fine, but make it fast.Copy !req
135. If these turds die in the car,Copy !req
136. I'll set a new record.Copy !req
137. Oh, what beautiful
morning glories.Copy !req
138. Thank you.Copy !req
139. So, you're a gardener?Copy !req
140. I'm beginning to think no.Copy !req
141. My God, I love that.Copy !req
142. What's that called?Copy !req
143. Oh, that's Winklebottom.Copy !req
144. Kind of a rarity in these parts.Copy !req
145. Came all the way from Germany.Copy !req
146. Mmm, boy, that's exactly
what I need in my front yard.Copy !req
147. Would you consider selling?Copy !req
148. Come on, let's get
this in the groundCopy !req
149. before Hank gets home.Copy !req
150. Peggy Hill has
found her calling card.Copy !req
151. Idiot.Copy !req
152. So, what do you think?Copy !req
153. I think... uh, I
think it's an elf.Copy !req
154. Actually, the term
is "garden gnome."Copy !req
155. His name is Winklebottom.Copy !req
156. Don't you just love how
your eye goes right to him?Copy !req
157. Yeah, I didn't even
notice the house.Copy !req
158. I cannot tell you
what a relief this is.Copy !req
159. I was getting so frustratedCopy !req
160. with everything dying on me.Copy !req
161. Uh, I don't know, Peggy.Copy !req
162. Do you really
think this is, uh...Copy !req
163. this-this thing is for us?Copy !req
164. It was just like you said.Copy !req
165. I saw it, and I
immediately knew.Copy !req
166. Just like you said.Copy !req
167. Uh... yeah.Copy !req
168. Oh, we have a garden gnome.Copy !req
169. Oh, boy.Copy !req
170. I shall call him Vandor.Copy !req
171. You will call him Winklebottom,Copy !req
172. like everyone else.Copy !req
173. Now let's go get
an old toothbrush.Copy !req
174. I want to clean the
spider eggs from his ears.Copy !req
175. So is that a ceramic gnome,Copy !req
176. or did Peggy kill a real gnomeCopy !req
177. and take it to a taxidermist?Copy !req
178. Gosh, Hank, what
will people thinkCopy !req
179. when they see
that thing out here?Copy !req
180. God willing, they'll
think Peggy's a widow.Copy !req
181. Hey, how do we know you
didn't buy the gnome yourselfCopy !req
182. and are just pretending
not to like the gnomeCopy !req
183. so that your friends
don't make fun of you?Copy !req
184. I do not like the gnome, Bill.Copy !req
185. That's it. I'm kicking your ass.Copy !req
186. I'm sorry! I'm sorry! I'm sorry!Copy !req
187. Good morning, Hank.Copy !req
188. Good morning, Mailman Thompson.Copy !req
189. Hank, were you trying to keepCopy !req
190. that mailman from
seeing our gnome?Copy !req
191. No, no. Of course not.Copy !req
192. Oh. You just did it again.Copy !req
193. Well, it's just thatCopy !req
194. people are starting to,Copy !req
195. you know, say nasty
things about our house.Copy !req
196. Like what? What are they saying?Copy !req
197. Well, like yesterday,
I heard the FedEx guyCopy !req
198. call our house "the one
with the gnome out front."Copy !req
199. Oh, I see what
this is all about.Copy !req
200. For years, everyone
has always ravedCopy !req
201. about your grass
and your hinges,Copy !req
202. and now you're afraid
you're being displaced.Copy !req
203. My God.Copy !req
204. What a beautiful Winklebottom.Copy !req
205. Yes, very good.Copy !req
206. That is Winklebottom.Copy !req
207. How did you know?Copy !req
208. Are you kidding?Copy !req
209. I'd recognize one anywhere.Copy !req
210. That darling bulbous nose.Copy !req
211. Those adorable hairy knuckles...Copy !req
212. This is a 1932 original,Copy !req
213. handmade by Klaus
Zeigenlef, himself.Copy !req
214. Really?Copy !req
215. You hear that Hank?Copy !req
216. I heard it.Copy !req
217. I am just so envious,
but do you mindCopy !req
218. if I offer up a little tip?Copy !req
219. Your Winklebottom
is facing southeast.Copy !req
220. Technically, he
should face north.Copy !req
221. Wonderful. Why?Copy !req
222. Well, that's where they're
more apt to find tree moss,Copy !req
223. which is how they make
their delicious gnome tea.Copy !req
224. That is so charming.Copy !req
225. No, it's not.Copy !req
226. Oh, there's so much
lore for you to discover.Copy !req
227. You're gonna lose
yourself for hoursCopy !req
228. in all the chat rooms
and message boards.Copy !req
229. Hey, are you into Babylon 5?Copy !req
230. No. Should I be?Copy !req
231. Oh. "Garden Gnome
Fact Number 28:Copy !req
232. "At night, garden
gnomes are quite lively,Copy !req
233. but they turn to stone the
second daylight hits them."Copy !req
234. I love it.Copy !req
235. Hey, maybe tonight
we should leave outCopy !req
236. a snack plate for
old Winklebottom.Copy !req
237. Perhaps a fruit pie?Copy !req
238. No, Bobby.Copy !req
239. Winklebottom would like
mushrooms and dandelionsCopy !req
240. and a thimbleful of
peppermint schnapps.Copy !req
241. Thank you, President
Winklebottom.Copy !req
242. I would love to join you
for tea in the rose gar...Copy !req
243. We got a shooter!Copy !req
244. I'll take the bullet!Copy !req
245. Oh...Copy !req
246. Dad, I need your help!Copy !req
247. I broke Winklebottom.Copy !req
248. Oh, boy. It was an
accident, I swear.Copy !req
249. Please, tell me you can fix it.Copy !req
250. All right, let's take a look.Copy !req
251. Uh... I'm afraid there's
nothing I can do.Copy !req
252. Sorry, Bobby.Copy !req
253. But-but Mom loved that gnome.Copy !req
254. She's going to kill me.Copy !req
255. Bobby, calm down.Copy !req
256. How do you expect
me to calm down?Copy !req
257. You can't fix it!Copy !req
258. Yeah, but maybe
it's for the best.Copy !req
259. Your mother had grown way
too attached to that gnome.Copy !req
260. Better that something
happened to it now,Copy !req
261. before she got even
more attached to it.Copy !req
262. Don't worry, Bobby, I'll
take care of everything.Copy !req
263. Oh, thanks, Dad.Copy !req
264. Uh, don't sweat it.Copy !req
265. That's what being
a father is all about.Copy !req
266. Okay, we're going to dump
him in one of these cans,Copy !req
267. and if he doesn't
fit, just whack himCopy !req
268. a few times with
this fire extinguisher.Copy !req
269. So, Mom's really going
to think someone stole it?Copy !req
270. Uh-huh. There. That one.Copy !req
271. Uh, I don't know
about this house.Copy !req
272. There's a lot of lights on.Copy !req
273. All right.Copy !req
274. That driveway's empty.Copy !req
275. Someone could pull
in at any moment.Copy !req
276. Fine, I'll do it myself.Copy !req
277. Is that you, Janet?Copy !req
278. We did it, Dad.Copy !req
279. We really did it.Copy !req
280. Not yet, we didn't.Copy !req
281. Bobby, we are never
to speak of this again.Copy !req
282. Good morning.Copy !req
283. So how was miniature
golf last night?Copy !req
284. Um, okay.Copy !req
285. We were there for 90 minutes.Copy !req
286. Dad shot a three under
par, and I shot four over.Copy !req
287. Later, we stopped for ice cream.Copy !req
288. Oh, there's my paper.Copy !req
289. Remember, son,
everything's gonna be okay.Copy !req
290. Winklebottom!Copy !req
291. My Winklebottom!Copy !req
292. This is just awful.Copy !req
293. Who would do such a thing?Copy !req
294. Hooligans.Copy !req
295. Oh, it's just so senseless!Copy !req
296. Oh, my God.Copy !req
297. Peggy, Hank,Copy !req
298. what happened to
our Winklebottom?Copy !req
299. Oh, I don't know, Sally!Copy !req
300. I don't know!Copy !req
301. I'm calling the police.Copy !req
302. The cops? Dad!Copy !req
303. Now, hold on, there.Copy !req
304. The police have more
important things to do than...Copy !req
305. Hank, honey,Copy !req
306. you're too frazzled
to think straight.Copy !req
307. Aunt Sally's taking
care of things now.Copy !req
308. So is Winklebottom
his first nameCopy !req
309. or his last name?Copy !req
310. I told you, it's just
Winklebottom, damn it!Copy !req
311. We're wasting time here!Copy !req
312. I'm just trying to
be thorough, ma'am.Copy !req
313. Now did any of you hear
any strange noises last night?Copy !req
314. No, sir. I was here all night.Copy !req
315. No, you weren't.Copy !req
316. You were out playing
miniature golf last night.Copy !req
317. He shot three under par.Copy !req
318. I shot four over.Copy !req
319. We stopped for ice cream!Copy !req
320. Oh, right. That course
out there on Lexington.Copy !req
321. That last hole's
a doozy, ain't it?Copy !req
322. Yes.Copy !req
323. Please, Officer,Copy !req
324. tell me you'll catch the...Copy !req
325. who did this.Copy !req
326. Honestly, ma'am,
there's not much I can do.Copy !req
327. Teenagers are always
stealing these thingsCopy !req
328. and doing God
knows what to them.Copy !req
329. If we ever doCopy !req
330. find your Winklebottom,Copy !req
331. there's a good chance you're
not gonna want him back.Copy !req
332. No.Copy !req
333. Hey!Copy !req
334. Fancy riding, Tex!Copy !req
335. Oh, heck.Copy !req
336. Come on, Peggy.Copy !req
337. It was just a garden gnome.Copy !req
338. Yeah, and propane
is just a stupid gas!Copy !req
339. Uh, I'm sorry.Copy !req
340. I have no reason
to lash out at you.Copy !req
341. It's just that you get praisedCopy !req
342. all the time about
the house, but I don't.Copy !req
343. That's why Winklebottom
was a big deal for me.Copy !req
344. Complete strangers
would walk by our houseCopy !req
345. and say to themselves,Copy !req
346. "That's the lady
with the cool gnome."Copy !req
347. Now I'm just the old hagCopy !req
348. who picks up dog
poop with a hockey stick.Copy !req
349. Bobby, I'm telling your
mother what happened.Copy !req
350. You're what?Copy !req
351. I can't stand to
see her like this.Copy !req
352. It's the only thing
that'll give her peace.Copy !req
353. No way!Copy !req
354. The whole time you've
been giving me griefCopy !req
355. about cracking, and
now you're gonna crack?Copy !req
356. Uh-uh.Copy !req
357. We had a deal, old man!Copy !req
358. Hey, watch your mouth.Copy !req
359. Sorry.Copy !req
360. Look, I'll take all the heat.Copy !req
361. She won't knowCopy !req
362. you had anything
to do with this.Copy !req
363. But she has to know.Copy !req
364. Uh, Peggy,Copy !req
365. I've got something
difficult to tell you.Copy !req
366. Vandals didn't take your gnome.Copy !req
367. It was me.Copy !req
368. What?Copy !req
369. Well, his ear broke off,Copy !req
370. so I drove him to the
Heimlich County ForestCopy !req
371. and buried him
in a shallow grave.Copy !req
372. No. No, you're lying.Copy !req
373. I'm not, Peggy. It's the truth.Copy !req
374. No. Even if you
hated Winklebottom,Copy !req
375. there is no wayCopy !req
376. you would ever do
such a hurtful thing.Copy !req
377. Oh, my God, you're
covering for someone.Copy !req
378. Peggy, I'm-I'm not...Copy !req
379. Bobby! It's Bobby!Copy !req
380. Me?Copy !req
381. Of course.Copy !req
382. You were playing one
of your weird little games,Copy !req
383. and you broke it, didn't you?Copy !req
384. Uh... uh... Dad?Copy !req
385. No, no, really, it was me.Copy !req
386. I couldn't stand
the little freak,Copy !req
387. so I rolled him in a towelCopy !req
388. and smashed him to
pieces for good measure.Copy !req
389. You should've seen him, Mom.Copy !req
390. He was nuts!Copy !req
391. How dare you try
laying this on your father!Copy !req
392. You're grounded
for a week, mister.Copy !req
393. Dad!Copy !req
394. Peggy, really, he didn't...Copy !req
395. Don't make it any
worse for him, Hank.Copy !req
396. Now you go to your room!Copy !req
397. Dinnertime.Copy !req
398. One peanut butter and
jelly sandwich, no dessert.Copy !req
399. There's pudding in my sock.Copy !req
400. Everything'll be fine.Copy !req
401. Your mother will get over this.Copy !req
402. No, she won't.Copy !req
403. Dad, you've got to
get her a new one.Copy !req
404. But... that thing
was pretty rare.Copy !req
405. I wouldn't even know
where to get another one.Copy !req
406. I do.Copy !req
407. You know that German
tourist town on I-35?Copy !req
408. The one with the windmillsCopy !req
409. and the gingerbread houses?Copy !req
410. New Hoffenschime.Copy !req
411. If they don't have a replacementCopy !req
412. for Winklebottom,
then no one does.Copy !req
413. Lights out, Bobby.Copy !req
414. I said, lights out!Copy !req
415. I'll bring you back a T-shirt.Copy !req
416. I need a gnome.Copy !req
417. And not just any gnome.Copy !req
418. I need a Winklebottom.Copy !req
419. A Winklebottom!Copy !req
420. Why don't you just ask
me to move a rainbow?Copy !req
421. Ugh. I can't tell if
you're being sarcastic,Copy !req
422. or just weird.Copy !req
423. If you're lucky enoughCopy !req
424. to get a hold of a Winklebottom,Copy !req
425. you better hang
on for dear life.Copy !req
426. Now, if you want
something spectacular,Copy !req
427. how about one of these?Copy !req
428. Just marked it down 80%.Copy !req
429. Hey, what's that over there?Copy !req
430. Oh, that's an
antique Figgleforth.Copy !req
431. True, he looks very
similar to Winklebottom,Copy !req
432. but let me warn you...Copy !req
433. Completely
different personality.Copy !req
434. Wrap him up and
get me out of here.Copy !req
435. Ooh, a Figgleforth!Copy !req
436. Excuse me, I had him first.Copy !req
437. Actually, you didn't.Copy !req
438. Hey, hey, let's
leave the fightingCopy !req
439. to the trolls, okay?Copy !req
440. I really need this
particular gnome.Copy !req
441. Who doesn't?Copy !req
442. I bet this joker
doesn't even knowCopy !req
443. where gnomes come from.Copy !req
444. Or how they say good
night to each other.Copy !req
445. Or what it meansCopy !req
446. when they shave their mustacheCopy !req
447. and not their beard.Copy !req
448. All right, you got me.Copy !req
449. I'm not a dork, I sell propane.Copy !req
450. Truth is, I hate gnomes.Copy !req
451. I really, really hate them.Copy !req
452. But my wife loves 'em.Copy !req
453. And as beautiful as my lawnCopy !req
454. and my galvanized
steel rain gutters are,Copy !req
455. they're no match for
my wife's happiness.Copy !req
456. I'd do anything to
see her happy again.Copy !req
457. Even if it means
putting this characterCopy !req
458. in my yard.Copy !req
459. Okay, Blanche,
the gnome is yours.Copy !req
460. Huh. Declined.Copy !req
461. You're maxxed out.Copy !req
462. Put it on layaway!Copy !req
463. I'll pay cash.Copy !req
464. Come back and see us again.Copy !req
465. Uh, yeah, I don't think so.Copy !req
466. I was talking to Figgleforth.Copy !req
467. Yup.Copy !req
468. That's true north.Copy !req
469. Here, you can give
this to your mother.Copy !req
470. It's the fully executed copyCopy !req
471. of the, uh, adoption papers.Copy !req
472. I know how hardCopy !req
473. that must have
been for you, Dad.Copy !req
474. You want to talk about it?Copy !req
475. Just get your mother.Copy !req
476. Mom!Copy !req
477. Bobby, you are supposed to be...Copy !req
478. Oh! It's beautiful.Copy !req
479. His name is Figgleforth!Copy !req
480. We found him in
New Hoffenschime.Copy !req
481. It was Bobby's idea.Copy !req
482. Oh, Hank, I love it.Copy !req
483. And it is so sweet of you
to give Bobby credit for this,Copy !req
484. but I know it was all you.Copy !req
485. What? No, Peggy, he really...Copy !req
486. Oh, don't worry, Hank.Copy !req
487. I'm not mad at him anymore.Copy !req
488. Kids will be kids.Copy !req
489. Tell you what, Bobby.Copy !req
490. Since your Dad's being
so generous towards you,Copy !req
491. so can I.Copy !req
492. I am suspending your sentence.Copy !req
493. Thanks.Copy !req
494. Yup. Now he's out here
for the whole world to see.Copy !req
495. You know, now
that I think about it,Copy !req
496. I'm not sure if I even want
to keep him on the lawn.Copy !req
497. You don't?Copy !req
498. Well, you heard that policeman.Copy !req
499. People steal these
things all the time.Copy !req
500. Maybe it's best if
we keep it inside.Copy !req
501. Yes! Perfect!Copy !req
502. Oh, that makes so much sense!Copy !req
503. Inside.Copy !req
504. We are never to
speak of this again.Copy !req