1. Why would anyone do drugs
when they could just mow a lawn?Copy !req
2. Hank, we were all out
of your sports drink,Copy !req
3. so I blended some lemonadeCopy !req
4. with a few of Bobby's chewable vitamins.Copy !req
5. If you want,
we can call it "Lemon-ator-ade."Copy !req
6. I gotta say,Copy !req
7. we walk through this neighborhood
all the time,Copy !req
8. and you have the most
beautifully maintained house.Copy !req
9. What's your secret
to keeping the grass so green?Copy !req
10. - Uh…
- Oh, it's simple, really.Copy !req
11. We water it.Copy !req
12. Uh, actually, it's not that simple.Copy !req
13. Every three weeks, I put down a 28-3-3
mix of fertilizer and weed control.Copy !req
14. Oh.Copy !req
15. Well, it's not just the lawn.
It's all the attention to detail.Copy !req
16. Like the way the brass door knocker
sets off the color of the trim.Copy !req
17. Oh, right.Copy !req
18. And it matches the hinges perfectly.
Did it come as a set?Copy !req
19. Well, uh…Copy !req
20. I'm not sure.Copy !req
21. Interesting story about the screws
in those hinges…Copy !req
22. Hey, you want to see
something really great?Copy !req
23. Just look at these drapes
and tell me they're not real velvet, huh?Copy !req
24. I-Interesting story, uh…Copy !req
25. I bought these the day
John Lennon was shot.Copy !req
26. What was I thinking?Copy !req
27. Dragging those people off the street.
They probably thought I was nuts.Copy !req
28. Yeah, I was a little confused myself.Copy !req
29. I guess it just hit me.Copy !req
30. I have nothing to do
with our house's curb appeal.Copy !req
31. Hank, from now onCopy !req
32. I am becoming more involved
in the front yard.Copy !req
33. Maybe plant some exotic flowers.Copy !req
34. Something that says,
"Peggy Hill lives here."Copy !req
35. The front yard, huh?Copy !req
36. I tell you what.
How about we repaint the kitchen?Copy !req
37. You can pick out any shade of white
you want.Copy !req
38. Eggshell, ivory, Swiss coffee.Copy !req
39. Sky's the limit.Copy !req
40. The front yard is the statement
a home makes to the rest of the world.Copy !req
41. Right now, it's your statement.Copy !req
42. It should be our statement.Copy !req
43. Well, I guess we could try
a few flowers under the windows.Copy !req
44. But nothing that climbs.Copy !req
45. Yep.Copy !req
46. Mm, yep.Copy !req
47. What the…Copy !req
48. How do you like Joseph's new minibike?Copy !req
49. He won it off me in a poker game.Copy !req
50. You know, that bike's not street legal.Copy !req
51. All right. Joseph, get off the street!Copy !req
52. No, not on the lawns!Copy !req
53. Boy, Hank, you sure got
a lot of arbitrary rules.Copy !req
54. Got a lotta dang ol' flowers, man.Copy !req
55. Talkin' 'bout an ol' Algernon man.Copy !req
56. Talkin' 'bout ol' Cliff Robertson,
I tell you what, man.Copy !req
57. Got-dang ol' five cents a minute, man.Copy !req
58. Yeah, Peggy's fixing upCopy !req
59. the front yard a bit.Copy !req
60. Gee, Hank, if your wife
wants to screw something up,Copy !req
61. why can't she just stick to Bobby?Copy !req
62. It'll be fine.Copy !req
63. The plants have little tags
with instructions on 'em.Copy !req
64. Please don't ruin my yard.Copy !req
65. Congratulations, Bill.Copy !req
66. You no longer have the worst yard
in Arlen.Copy !req
67. Peggy's traveling circus of death
has seen to that.Copy !req
68. Yeah, man, she just like
the dang ol' grim reaper, man.Copy !req
69. Talkin' 'bout them ol' sunflowers.Copy !req
70. And then them petunias.Copy !req
71. And the ol' daisies, too, man.Copy !req
72. "Help me!"Copy !req
73. She's trying so hard.Copy !req
74. Joseph, that is not a toy!Copy !req
75. Hey, you put a dent in it.Copy !req
76. Sorry, Dad.Copy !req
77. I sorta crashed into a telephone pole.Copy !req
78. I don't care what you…Copy !req
79. Oh…Copy !req
80. I can't stay mad at you.Copy !req
81. Bet you can't steer that thing
with your feet.Copy !req
82. So, uh, Peggy, maybe it's time
to pull up some of those dead plants.Copy !req
83. They're not dead.Copy !req
84. They just need some more sunlight.Copy !req
85. There's no damn sun!Copy !req
86. - Well, maybe if you…
- No one asked for your opinion, okay?Copy !req
87. Okay, I'm sorry.Copy !req
88. I just really want to do this on my own.Copy !req
89. Listen to your husband, Peggy Hill.Copy !req
90. If there's one thing that brillo-haired
hillbilly can do, it's farm.Copy !req
91. Angel of Death meet Old MacDonald!Copy !req
92. I tried perennials, I tried annuals,Copy !req
93. I tried succulents…Copy !req
94. Well, you just got to keep trying
until you find the right thing,Copy !req
95. and when you finally do, you'll know it.Copy !req
96. Thank you, Hank.Copy !req
97. She just touched your arm.Copy !req
98. Quick, amputate!Copy !req
99. Excuse me, do you know of a plantCopy !req
100. that can withstand over-watering,
inadequate fertilization,Copy !req
101. and perhaps some over-zealous pruning?Copy !req
102. Yeah, they're called weeds.Copy !req
103. Great, give me a tray of…Copy !req
104. You know, hotshot,Copy !req
105. you may think you have the world
by the tail right now,Copy !req
106. making five dollars an hour,
with that ridiculous red vest and…Copy !req
107. Just give us a flat of impatiens.Copy !req
108. I'm not done with you, Pimples.Copy !req
109. Impatiens.Copy !req
110. Everyone has impatiens.Copy !req
111. How is that gonna wow the pants off
anyone?Copy !req
112. Ooh! An estate sale. Pull over.Copy !req
113. Dead people have tons of clothes
that they don't want anymore.Copy !req
114. Fine, but make it fast.Copy !req
115. If these turds die in the car,
I'll set a new record.Copy !req
116. Oh, what beautiful morning glories.Copy !req
117. Thank you.Copy !req
118. So, you're a gardener?Copy !req
119. I'm beginning to think no.Copy !req
120. My God, I love that. What's that called?Copy !req
121. Oh, that's Winklebottom.Copy !req
122. Kind of a rarity in these parts.Copy !req
123. Came all the way from Germany.Copy !req
124. Mm, boy, that's exactly
what I need in my front yard.Copy !req
125. Would you consider selling?Copy !req
126. Come on, let's get this in the ground
before Hank gets home.Copy !req
127. Peggy Hill has found her calling card.Copy !req
128. Idiot.Copy !req
129. So, what do you think?Copy !req
130. I, I think… uh, I think it's an elf.Copy !req
131. Actually, the term is "garden gnome."Copy !req
132. His name is Winklebottom.Copy !req
133. Don't you just love
how your eye goes right to him?Copy !req
134. Yeah, I didn't even notice the house.Copy !req
135. I cannot tell you what a relief this is.Copy !req
136. I was getting so frustrated
with everything dying on me.Copy !req
137. Uh, I don't know, Peggy.Copy !req
138. Do you really think this is, uh…Copy !req
139. this, this thing is for us?Copy !req
140. It was just like you said.Copy !req
141. I saw it, and I immediately knew.
Just like you said.Copy !req
142. Uh… yeah.Copy !req
143. Oh, we have a garden gnome.Copy !req
144. Oh, boy.Copy !req
145. I shall call him Vandor.Copy !req
146. You will call him Winklebottom,
like everyone else.Copy !req
147. Now let's go get an old toothbrush.Copy !req
148. I want to clean the spider eggs
from his ears.Copy !req
149. So is that a ceramic gnome,Copy !req
150. or did Peggy kill a real gnome
and take it to a taxidermist?Copy !req
151. Gosh, Hank, what will people think
when they see that thing out here?Copy !req
152. God willing,Copy !req
153. they'll think Peggy's a widow.Copy !req
154. Hey, how do we know
you didn't buy the gnome yourselfCopy !req
155. and are just pretending
not to like the gnomeCopy !req
156. so that your friends
don't make fun of you?Copy !req
157. I do not like the gnome, Bill.Copy !req
158. That's it. I'm kicking your ass.Copy !req
159. I'm sorry! I'm sorry! I'm sorry!Copy !req
160. Good morning, Hank.Copy !req
161. Ah. Good morning, Mailman Thompson.Copy !req
162. Hank, were you trying to keep
that mailman from seeing our gnome?Copy !req
163. No, no. Of course not.Copy !req
164. Oh. You just did it again.Copy !req
165. Well, it's just thatCopy !req
166. people are starting to,Copy !req
167. you know, say nasty things
about our house.Copy !req
168. Like what? What are they saying?Copy !req
169. Well, like yesterday,
I heard the FedEx guyCopy !req
170. call our house "the one
with the gnome out front."Copy !req
171. Oh, I see what this is all about.Copy !req
172. For years, everyone has always raved
about your grass and your hinges,Copy !req
173. and now you're afraid
you're being displaced.Copy !req
174. My God. What a beautiful Winklebottom.Copy !req
175. Yes, very good.Copy !req
176. That is Winklebottom. How did you know?Copy !req
177. Are you kidding?
I'd recognize one anywhere.Copy !req
178. That darling bulbous nose.
Those adorable hairy knuckles…Copy !req
179. This is a 1932 original,
handmade by Klaus Zeigenlef, himself.Copy !req
180. Really?Copy !req
181. You hear that, Hank?Copy !req
182. I heard it.Copy !req
183. I am just so envious, but do you mind
if I offer up a little tip?Copy !req
184. Your Winklebottom is facing southeast.Copy !req
185. Technically, he should face north.Copy !req
186. Wonderful. Why?Copy !req
187. Well, that's where they're more apt
to find tree moss,Copy !req
188. which is how they make
their delicious gnome tea.Copy !req
189. That is so charming.Copy !req
190. No, it's not.Copy !req
191. Oh, there's so much lore
for you to discover.Copy !req
192. You're gonna lose yourself for hoursCopy !req
193. in all the chat rooms and message boards.Copy !req
194. Hey, are you into Babylon 5?Copy !req
195. No. Should I be?Copy !req
196. Oh. "Garden Gnome Fact Number 28.Copy !req
197. At night, garden gnomes are quite lively,Copy !req
198. but they turn to stone
the second daylight hits them."Copy !req
199. I love it.Copy !req
200. Hey, maybe tonightCopy !req
201. we should leave out a snack plate
for old Winklebottom.Copy !req
202. Perhaps a fruit pie?Copy !req
203. No, Bobby.Copy !req
204. Winklebottom would like
mushrooms and dandelionsCopy !req
205. and a thimbleful of peppermint schnapps.Copy !req
206. Look, Mom, they have a whole sectionCopy !req
207. called "gnomenclature."Copy !req
208. Thank you, President Winklebottom.Copy !req
209. I would love to join you for tea
in the Rose Gar…Copy !req
210. We got a shooter! I'll take the bullet!Copy !req
211. Oh…Copy !req
212. Dad, I need your help!Copy !req
213. I broke Winklebottom.Copy !req
214. - Oh, boy.
- It was an accident, I swear.Copy !req
215. Please, tell me you can fix it.Copy !req
216. All right, let's take a look.Copy !req
217. Uh… I'm afraid there's nothing I can do.Copy !req
218. Sorry, Bobby.Copy !req
219. But, but Mom loved that gnome.Copy !req
220. She's gonna kill me.Copy !req
221. Bobby, calm down.Copy !req
222. How do you expect me to calm down?
You can't fix it!Copy !req
223. Yeah, but maybe it's for the best.Copy !req
224. Your mother had grown
way too attached to that gnome.Copy !req
225. Better that something happened to it now,Copy !req
226. before she got even more attached to it.Copy !req
227. Don't worry, Bobby,
I'll take care of everything.Copy !req
228. Oh, thanks, Dad.Copy !req
229. Uh, don't sweat it.Copy !req
230. That's what being a father is all about.Copy !req
231. Okay, we're gonna dump him
in one of these cans,Copy !req
232. and if he doesn't fit,Copy !req
233. just whack him a few times
with this fire extinguisher.Copy !req
234. So, Mom's really gonna think
someone stole it?Copy !req
235. Uh-huh. There. That one.Copy !req
236. Uh, I don't know about this house.Copy !req
237. There's a lot of lights on.Copy !req
238. All right.Copy !req
239. That driveway's empty.Copy !req
240. Someone could pull in at any moment.Copy !req
241. Fine, I'll do it myself.Copy !req
242. Is that you, Janet?Copy !req
243. We did it, Dad. We really did it.Copy !req
244. Not yet, we didn't.Copy !req
245. Bobby, we are never
to speak of this again.Copy !req
246. Good morning.Copy !req
247. - So how was miniature golf last night?
- Um, okay.Copy !req
248. We were there for 90 minutes.Copy !req
249. Dad shot a three under par,
and I shot four over.Copy !req
250. Later, we stopped for ice cream.Copy !req
251. Oh, there's my paper.Copy !req
252. Remember, son, everything's gonna be okay.Copy !req
253. Winklebottom!Copy !req
254. My Winklebottom!Copy !req
255. This is just awful.Copy !req
256. Who would do such a thing?Copy !req
257. Hooligans.Copy !req
258. Oh, it's just so senseless!Copy !req
259. Oh, my God.Copy !req
260. Peggy, Hank, what happened
to our Winklebottom?Copy !req
261. Oh, I don't know, Sally.Copy !req
262. I don't know!Copy !req
263. I'm calling the police.Copy !req
264. The cops? Dad.Copy !req
265. Now, hold on, there. The police
have more important things to do than…Copy !req
266. Hank, honey, you're too frazzled
to think straight.Copy !req
267. Aunt Sally's taking care of things now.Copy !req
268. So is Winklebottom his first nameCopy !req
269. or his last name?Copy !req
270. I told you it's just Winklebottom,
damn it!Copy !req
271. We're wasting time here!Copy !req
272. I'm just trying to be thorough, ma'am.Copy !req
273. Now did any of you hear
any strange noises last night?Copy !req
274. No, sir. I was here all night.Copy !req
275. No, you weren't.Copy !req
276. You were out playing miniature golf
last night.Copy !req
277. He shot three under par. I shot four over.Copy !req
278. We stopped for ice cream!Copy !req
279. Oh, right. That course out there
on Lexington.Copy !req
280. That last hole's a doozy, ain't it?Copy !req
281. - Yes.
- Please, Officer,Copy !req
282. tell me you'll catch the bastards
who did this.Copy !req
283. Honestly, ma'am,
there's not much I can do.Copy !req
284. Teenagers are always stealing these things
and doing God knows what to them.Copy !req
285. If we ever do find your Winklebottom,Copy !req
286. there's a good chance
you're not gonna want him back.Copy !req
287. No.Copy !req
288. Hey!Copy !req
289. Fancy riding, Tex!Copy !req
290. Oh, heck.Copy !req
291. Come on, Peggy.
It was just a garden gnome.Copy !req
292. Yeah, and propane is just a stupid gas!Copy !req
293. Uh, I'm sorry.Copy !req
294. I have no reason to lash out at you.Copy !req
295. It's just that you get praised
all the time about the house, but I don't.Copy !req
296. That's why Winklebottom
was a big deal for me.Copy !req
297. Complete strangers would walk by our house
and say to themselves,Copy !req
298. "That's the lady with the cool gnome."Copy !req
299. Now I'm just the old hagCopy !req
300. who picks up dog poop with a hockey stick.Copy !req
301. Bobby, I'm telling your mother
what happened.Copy !req
302. You're what?Copy !req
303. I can't stand to see her like this.Copy !req
304. It's the only thing
that'll give her peace.Copy !req
305. No way!Copy !req
306. The whole time you've been giving me grief
about cracking,Copy !req
307. and now you're gonna crack?Copy !req
308. Uh-uh.Copy !req
309. We had a deal, old man.Copy !req
310. Hey, watch your mouth.Copy !req
311. Sorry.Copy !req
312. Look, I'll take all the heat.Copy !req
313. She won't know
you had anything to do with this.Copy !req
314. But she has to know.Copy !req
315. Uh, Peggy,Copy !req
316. I've got something difficult to tell you.Copy !req
317. Vandals didn't take your gnome.Copy !req
318. It was me.Copy !req
319. What?Copy !req
320. Well, his ear broke off,Copy !req
321. so I drove him
to the Heimlich County ForestCopy !req
322. and buried him in a shallow grave.Copy !req
323. No. No, you're lying.Copy !req
324. I'm not, Peggy. It's the truth.Copy !req
325. No. Even if you hated Winklebottom,Copy !req
326. there is no way
you would ever do such a hurtful thing.Copy !req
327. Oh, my God,Copy !req
328. you're covering for someone.Copy !req
329. - Peggy, I'm, I'm not…
- Bobby! It's Bobby!Copy !req
330. - Me?
- Of course.Copy !req
331. You were playing one
of your weird little games,Copy !req
332. and you broke it, didn't you?Copy !req
333. Uh… uh… Dad?Copy !req
334. No, no, really, it was me.Copy !req
335. I couldn't stand the little freak,
so I rolled him in a towelCopy !req
336. and smashed him to pieces
for good measure.Copy !req
337. You should've seen him, Mom.
He was nuts!Copy !req
338. How dare you try laying this
on your father.Copy !req
339. You're grounded for a week, mister.Copy !req
340. - Dad!
- Peggy, really, he didn't…Copy !req
341. Don't make it any worse for him, Hank!Copy !req
342. Now you go to your room!Copy !req
343. Dinnertime.Copy !req
344. One peanut butter
and jelly sandwich, no dessert.Copy !req
345. There's pudding in my sock.Copy !req
346. Everything'll be fine.Copy !req
347. Your mother will get over this.Copy !req
348. No, she won't.Copy !req
349. Dad, you've got to get her a new one.Copy !req
350. But…Copy !req
351. …that thing was pretty rare.Copy !req
352. I wouldn't even know
where to get another one.Copy !req
353. I do. You know that German tourist town
on I-35?Copy !req
354. The one with the windmills
and the gingerbread houses?Copy !req
355. New Hoffenschime.Copy !req
356. If they don't have a replacement
for Winklebottom, then no one does.Copy !req
357. Lights out, Bobby.Copy !req
358. I said, lights out!Copy !req
359. I'll bring you back a T-shirt.Copy !req
360. I need a gnome.Copy !req
361. And not just any gnome.Copy !req
362. I need a Winklebottom.Copy !req
363. A Winklebottom.Copy !req
364. Why don't you just ask me
to move a rainbow?Copy !req
365. Ugh. I can't tell
if you're being sarcastic or just weird.Copy !req
366. If you're lucky enough
to get a hold of a Winklebottom,Copy !req
367. you better hang on for dear life.Copy !req
368. Now, if you want something spectacular,
how about one of these?Copy !req
369. Just marked it down 80%.Copy !req
370. Hey, what's that over there?Copy !req
371. Oh, that's an antique Figgleforth.Copy !req
372. True, he looks very similar
to Winklebottom,Copy !req
373. but let me warn you,Copy !req
374. completely different personality.Copy !req
375. Wrap him up and get me out of here.Copy !req
376. Oh, a Figgleforth.Copy !req
377. Excuse me, I had him first.Copy !req
378. Actually, you didn't.Copy !req
379. Hey, hey, let's leave the fighting
to the trolls, okay?Copy !req
380. I really need this particular gnome.Copy !req
381. Who doesn't?Copy !req
382. I bet this joker doesn't even know
where gnomes come from.Copy !req
383. Or how they say good night to each other.Copy !req
384. Or what it means
when they shave their mustacheCopy !req
385. and not their beard.Copy !req
386. All right, you got me.Copy !req
387. I'm not a dork, I sell propane.Copy !req
388. Truth is, I hate gnomes.Copy !req
389. I really, really hate them.Copy !req
390. But my wife loves 'em.Copy !req
391. And as beautiful as my lawn
and my galvanized steel rain gutters are,Copy !req
392. they're no match for my wife's happiness.Copy !req
393. I'd do anything to see her happy again.Copy !req
394. Even if it means putting this character
in my yard.Copy !req
395. Okay, Blanche, the gnome is yours.Copy !req
396. Huh. Declined. You're maxed out.Copy !req
397. Put it on layaway!Copy !req
398. I'll pay cash.Copy !req
399. Come back and see us again.Copy !req
400. Uh, yeah, I don't think so.Copy !req
401. I was talking to Figgleforth.Copy !req
402. Yup. That's true north.Copy !req
403. Here, you can give this to your mother.Copy !req
404. It's the fully executed copy
of the, uh, adoption papers.Copy !req
405. I know how hard
that must have been for you, Dad.Copy !req
406. You want to talk about it?Copy !req
407. Just get your mother.Copy !req
408. Mom!Copy !req
409. Bobby, you are supposed to be…Copy !req
410. Oh. It's beautiful.Copy !req
411. His name is Figgleforth.Copy !req
412. We found him in New Hoffenschime.Copy !req
413. It was Bobby's idea.Copy !req
414. Oh, Hank, I love it.Copy !req
415. And it is so sweet of you
to give Bobby credit for this,Copy !req
416. but I know it was all you.Copy !req
417. - What?
- No, Peggy, he really…Copy !req
418. Oh, don't worry, Hank.Copy !req
419. I'm not mad at him anymore.
Kids will be kids.Copy !req
420. Tell you what, Bobby.Copy !req
421. Since your Dad's
being so generous towards you,Copy !req
422. so can I.Copy !req
423. I am suspending your sentence.Copy !req
424. Thanks.Copy !req
425. Yup. Now he's out here
for the whole world to see.Copy !req
426. You know, now that I think about it,Copy !req
427. I'm not sure if I even want
to keep him on the lawn.Copy !req
428. - You don't?
- Well, you heard that policeman.Copy !req
429. People steal these things all the time.Copy !req
430. Maybe it's best if we keep it inside.Copy !req
431. Yes. Perfect.Copy !req
432. Oh, that makes so much sense!Copy !req
433. Inside.Copy !req