1. Why would anyone do drugs
when they could just mow a lawn?Copy !req
2. Hank, we were all out
of your sports drink,Copy !req
3. so I blended some lemonadeCopy !req
4. with a few
of Bobby's chewable vitamins.Copy !req
5. If you want,Copy !req
6. we can call it
"Lemon-ator-ade."Copy !req
7. I gotta say,Copy !req
8. we walk through
this neighborhood
all the time,Copy !req
9. and you have the mostCopy !req
10. beautifully
maintained house.Copy !req
11. What's your secret
to keeping the grass so green?Copy !req
12. Uh...
Oh, it's simple, really.Copy !req
13. We water it.Copy !req
14. Uh, actually, it's
not that simple.Copy !req
15. Every three weeks
I put down a 28-3-3Copy !req
16. mix of fertilizer
and weed control.Copy !req
17. Oh.Copy !req
18. Well, it's not just
the lawn.Copy !req
19. It's all the attention
to detail.Copy !req
20. Like the way the brass
door knocker sets offCopy !req
21. the color of the trim.Copy !req
22. Oh, right.Copy !req
23. And it matches the
hinges perfectly.Copy !req
24. Did it come as a set?Copy !req
25. Well...
I'm not sure.Copy !req
26. Interesting story
about the screws
in those hinges...Copy !req
27. Hey, you want to see
something really great?Copy !req
28. Just look at these drapesCopy !req
29. and tell me
they're not real velvet, huh?Copy !req
30. Interesting story...Copy !req
31. I bought these the day
John Lennon was shot.Copy !req
32. What was I thinking?Copy !req
33. Dragging those
people off the street.Copy !req
34. They probably
thought I was nuts.Copy !req
35. Yeah, I was
a little confused myself.Copy !req
36. I guess it just hit me.Copy !req
37. I have nothing to do with
our house's curb appeal.Copy !req
38. Hank, from now onCopy !req
39. I am becoming more involved
in the front yard.Copy !req
40. Maybe plant some
exotic flowers.Copy !req
41. Something that says,
"Peggy Hill lives here."Copy !req
42. The front yard, huh?Copy !req
43. I tell you what.Copy !req
44. How about
we repaint the kitchen?Copy !req
45. You can pick out
any shade of white you want:Copy !req
46. eggshell, ivory,
Swiss coffee.Copy !req
47. Sky's the limit.Copy !req
48. The front yard
is the statement
a home makesCopy !req
49. to the rest
of the world.Copy !req
50. Right now, it's
your statement.Copy !req
51. It should be
our statement.Copy !req
52. Well, I guess we could try
a few flowers under the windows.Copy !req
53. But nothing that climbs.Copy !req
54. Yep.Copy !req
55. Mm, yep.Copy !req
56. What the...?Copy !req
57. How do you like
Joseph's new minibike?Copy !req
58. He won it off me
in a poker game.Copy !req
59. You know, that bike's
not street legal.Copy !req
60. All right. Joseph,
get off the street!Copy !req
61. No, not on the lawns!Copy !req
62. Boy, Hank, you sure got
a lot of arbitrary rules.Copy !req
63. Lotta dang ol' flowers, man.Copy !req
64. Talkin' 'bout
an ol' Algernon man.Copy !req
65. Talkin' 'bout ol'
Cliff Robertson,Copy !req
66. I tell you what, man.Copy !req
67. Got-dang ol' five
cents a minute, man.Copy !req
68. Yeah, Peggy's fixing up
the front yard a bit.Copy !req
69. Gee, Hank,Copy !req
70. if your wife wants to
screw something up,Copy !req
71. why can't she just
stick to Bobby?Copy !req
72. It'll be fine.Copy !req
73. The plants have
little tagsCopy !req
74. with instructions on 'em.Copy !req
75. ( sotto voce ):
Please don't ruin my yard.Copy !req
76. Congratulations, Bill.Copy !req
77. You no longer have
the worst yard in Arlen.Copy !req
78. Peggy's traveling
circus of deathCopy !req
79. has seen to that.Copy !req
80. Yeah, man, she just like the
dang ol' grim reaper, man.Copy !req
81. Talkin' 'bout them ol'
sunflowers. ( gags )Copy !req
82. And then them petunias.
( gags )Copy !req
83. And the ol' daisies, too, man.Copy !req
84. "Help me!"Copy !req
85. She's trying so hard.Copy !req
86. Joseph, that is not a toy!Copy !req
87. Hey, you put
a dent in it.Copy !req
88. Sorry, Dad.Copy !req
89. I sorta crashed
into a telephone pole.Copy !req
90. I don't care what you...!Copy !req
91. Oh...Copy !req
92. I can't stay
mad at you.Copy !req
93. Bet you can't
steer that thing
with your feet.Copy !req
94. So, uh, Peggy,
maybe it's timeCopy !req
95. to pull up some of
those dead plants.Copy !req
96. They're not dead.Copy !req
97. They just need
some more sunlight.Copy !req
98. There's no damn sun!Copy !req
99. Well, maybe if you...Copy !req
100. No one asked
for your opinion, okay?Copy !req
101. Okay, I'm sorry.Copy !req
102. I just really want
to do this on my own.Copy !req
103. Listen to your husband,
Peggy Hill.Copy !req
104. If there's one thingCopy !req
105. that brillo-haired
hillbilly can do,Copy !req
106. it's farm.Copy !req
107. Angel of Death
meet Old MacDonald!Copy !req
108. I tried perennials,
I tried annuals,Copy !req
109. I tried succulents...Copy !req
110. Well, you just got
to keep tryingCopy !req
111. until you find
the right thing,Copy !req
112. and when you finally
do, you'll know it.Copy !req
113. Thank you, Hank.Copy !req
114. She just touched
your arm.Copy !req
115. Quick, amputate!Copy !req
116. Excuse me, do you
know of a plantCopy !req
117. that can withstand
over-watering,Copy !req
118. inadequate fertilization,Copy !req
119. and perhaps some
over-zealous pruning?Copy !req
120. Yeah, they're called weeds.Copy !req
121. Great, give me a tray of...Copy !req
122. You know, hotshot,
you may thinkCopy !req
123. you have the world
by the tail right now,Copy !req
124. making five dollars
an hour,Copy !req
125. with that ridiculous
red vest and...Copy !req
126. Just give us a
flat of impatiens.Copy !req
127. I'm not done with
you, Pimples.Copy !req
128. ( scoffs ):
Impatiens.Copy !req
129. Everyone has impatiens.Copy !req
130. How is that going to wow
the pants off anyone?Copy !req
131. Ooh! An estate sale.
Pull over.Copy !req
132. Dead people have tons
of clothesCopy !req
133. that they don't want
anymore.Copy !req
134. Fine, but make it fast.Copy !req
135. If these turds
die in the car,Copy !req
136. I'll set a new record.Copy !req
137. Oh, what beautiful
morning glories.Copy !req
138. Thank you.Copy !req
139. So, you're a gardener?Copy !req
140. I'm beginning to think no.Copy !req
141. My God, I love that.Copy !req
142. What's that called?Copy !req
143. Oh, that's Winklebottom.Copy !req
144. Kind of a rarity in these parts.Copy !req
145. Came all the way from Germany.Copy !req
146. Mmm, boy, that's exactly
what I need in my front yard.Copy !req
147. Would you consider selling?Copy !req
148. Come on, let's get this
in the groundCopy !req
149. before Hank gets home.Copy !req
150. Peggy Hill has found
her calling card.Copy !req
151. ( scoffs ):
Idiot.Copy !req
152. So, what do you think?Copy !req
153. I think... uh,
I think it's an elf.Copy !req
154. Actually, the term
is "garden gnome."Copy !req
155. His name is Winklebottom.Copy !req
156. Don't you just love how
your eye goes right to him?Copy !req
157. Yeah, I didn't even
notice the house.Copy !req
158. I cannot tell you
what a relief this is.Copy !req
159. I was getting
so frustratedCopy !req
160. with everything
dying on me.Copy !req
161. Uh, I don't know, Peggy.Copy !req
162. Do you really think
this is, uh...Copy !req
163. this-this thing
is for us?Copy !req
164. It was just
like you said.Copy !req
165. I saw it,
and I immediately knew.Copy !req
166. Just like you said.Copy !req
167. Uh... yeah.Copy !req
168. Oh, we have
a garden gnome.Copy !req
169. Oh, boy.Copy !req
170. I shall call him Vandor.Copy !req
171. You will call
him Winklebottom,Copy !req
172. like everyone else.Copy !req
173. Now let's go get
an old toothbrush.Copy !req
174. I want to clean the spider
eggs from his ears.Copy !req
175. So is that a
ceramic gnome,Copy !req
176. or did Peggy
kill a real gnomeCopy !req
177. and take it to
a taxidermist?Copy !req
178. Gosh, Hank,
what will people thinkCopy !req
179. when they see
that thing out here?Copy !req
180. God willing,
they'll think Peggy's a widow.Copy !req
181. Hey, how do we know you
didn't buy the gnome yourselfCopy !req
182. and are just pretending
not to like the gnomeCopy !req
183. so that your friends
don't make fun of you?Copy !req
184. I do not like the gnome, Bill.Copy !req
185. That's it.
I'm kicking your ass.Copy !req
186. I'm sorry! I'm
sorry! I'm sorry!Copy !req
187. Good morning, Hank.Copy !req
188. Good morning,
Mailman Thompson.Copy !req
189. Hank, were you
trying to keepCopy !req
190. that mailman from
seeing our gnome?Copy !req
191. No, no. Of course not.Copy !req
192. Oh. You just
did it again.Copy !req
193. Well, it's just thatCopy !req
194. people are starting to,Copy !req
195. you know, say nasty things
about our house.Copy !req
196. Like what?
What are they saying?Copy !req
197. Well, like yesterday,
I heard the FedEx guyCopy !req
198. call our house "the one
with the gnome out front."Copy !req
199. Oh, I see what
this is all about.Copy !req
200. For years, everyone
has always ravedCopy !req
201. about your grass
and your hinges,Copy !req
202. and now you're afraid
you're being displaced.Copy !req
203. My God.Copy !req
204. What a beautiful
Winklebottom.Copy !req
205. Yes, very good.Copy !req
206. That is Winklebottom.Copy !req
207. How did you know?Copy !req
208. Are you kidding?Copy !req
209. I'd recognize one anywhere.Copy !req
210. That darling bulbous nose.Copy !req
211. Those adorable
hairy knuckles...Copy !req
212. This is a 1932 original,Copy !req
213. handmade
by Klaus Zeigenlef, himself.Copy !req
214. Really?Copy !req
215. You hear that Hank?Copy !req
216. I heard it.Copy !req
217. I am just so envious,
but do you mindCopy !req
218. if I offer up
a little tip?Copy !req
219. Your Winklebottom is
facing southeast.Copy !req
220. Technically,
he should face north.Copy !req
221. Wonderful. Why?Copy !req
222. Well, that's where they're more
apt to find tree moss,Copy !req
223. which is how they make
their delicious gnome tea.Copy !req
224. That is so charming.Copy !req
225. No, it's not.Copy !req
226. Oh, there's so much lore
for you to discover.Copy !req
227. You're gonna lose
yourself for hoursCopy !req
228. in all the chat rooms
and message boards.Copy !req
229. Hey, are you
into Babylon 5?Copy !req
230. No. Should I be?Copy !req
231. Oh. "Garden Gnome
Fact Number 28:Copy !req
232. "At night, garden gnomes
are quite lively,Copy !req
233. but they turn to stone
the second daylight hits them."Copy !req
234. I love it.Copy !req
235. Hey, maybe tonight
we should leave outCopy !req
236. a snack plate for
old Winklebottom.Copy !req
237. Perhaps a fruit pie?Copy !req
238. No, Bobby.Copy !req
239. Winklebottom would like
mushrooms and dandelionsCopy !req
240. and a thimbleful
of peppermint schnapps.Copy !req
241. Look, Mom, they have
a whole sectionCopy !req
242. called "gnomenclature."Copy !req
243. Thank you,
President Winklebottom.Copy !req
244. I would love to join you
for tea in the Rose Gar...Copy !req
245. We got a shooter!Copy !req
246. I'll take the bullet!Copy !req
247. ( gasps ):
Oh...Copy !req
248. Dad, I need your help!Copy !req
249. I broke Winklebottom.Copy !req
250. Oh, boy.
It was an
accident, I swear.Copy !req
251. Please, tell me
you can fix it.Copy !req
252. All right, let's take a look.Copy !req
253. Uh... I'm afraid
there's nothing I can do.Copy !req
254. Sorry, Bobby.Copy !req
255. But-but Mom loved that gnome.Copy !req
256. She's going to kill me.Copy !req
257. Bobby, calm down.Copy !req
258. How do you expect
me to calm down?Copy !req
259. You can't fix it!Copy !req
260. Yeah, but maybe
it's for the best.Copy !req
261. Your mother had grown
way too attached to that gnome.Copy !req
262. Better that something
happened to it now,Copy !req
263. before she got
even more attached to it.Copy !req
264. Don't worry, Bobby,
I'll take care of everything.Copy !req
265. Oh, thanks, Dad.Copy !req
266. Uh, don't sweat it.Copy !req
267. That's what being a father
is all about.Copy !req
268. Okay, we're going to dump him
in one of these cans,Copy !req
269. and if he doesn't
fit, just whack himCopy !req
270. a few times with this
fire extinguisher.Copy !req
271. So, Mom's really going to think
someone stole it?Copy !req
272. Uh-huh. There.
That one.Copy !req
273. Uh, I don't know
about this house.Copy !req
274. There's a lot of lights on.Copy !req
275. All right.Copy !req
276. That driveway's empty.Copy !req
277. Someone could pull in
at any moment.Copy !req
278. Fine, I'll
do it myself.Copy !req
279. Is that you, Janet?Copy !req
280. We did it, Dad.Copy !req
281. We really did it.Copy !req
282. Not yet, we didn't.Copy !req
283. Bobby, we are never to
speak of this again.Copy !req
284. Good morning.Copy !req
285. So how was miniature golf
last night?Copy !req
286. Um, okay.Copy !req
287. We were there for 90 minutes.Copy !req
288. Dad shot a three under par,
and I shot four over.Copy !req
289. Later, we stopped for ice cream.Copy !req
290. Oh, there's my paper.Copy !req
291. Remember, son,
everything's
gonna be okay.Copy !req
292. Winklebottom!Copy !req
293. My Winklebottom!Copy !req
294. This is
just awful.Copy !req
295. Who would do such a thing?Copy !req
296. Hooligans.Copy !req
297. Oh, it's just so senseless!Copy !req
298. Oh, my God.Copy !req
299. Peggy, Hank,Copy !req
300. what happened to
our Winklebottom?Copy !req
301. ( crying ):
Oh, I don't know, Sally!Copy !req
302. I don't know!Copy !req
303. I'm calling
the police.Copy !req
304. The cops? Dad!Copy !req
305. Now, hold on, there.Copy !req
306. The police have more
important things to do than...Copy !req
307. Hank, honey,Copy !req
308. you're too frazzled
to think straight.Copy !req
309. Aunt Sally's taking care
of things now.Copy !req
310. So is Winklebottom
his first nameCopy !req
311. or his last name?Copy !req
312. It's just Winklebottom, damn it!Copy !req
313. We're wasting time here!Copy !req
314. I'm just trying to
be thorough, ma'am.Copy !req
315. Now did any of you
hear any strange
noises last night?Copy !req
316. No, sir. I was here all night.Copy !req
317. No, you weren't.Copy !req
318. You were out playing
miniature golf last night.Copy !req
319. He shot three under par.Copy !req
320. I shot four over.Copy !req
321. We stopped for ice cream!Copy !req
322. Oh, right. That course
out there on Lexington.Copy !req
323. That last hole's
a doozy, ain't it?Copy !req
324. Yes.Copy !req
325. Please, Officer,Copy !req
326. tell me you'll
catch the bastards...Copy !req
327. who did this.Copy !req
328. Honestly, ma'am,
there's not much I can do.Copy !req
329. Teenagers are always
stealing these thingsCopy !req
330. and doing God knows
what to them.Copy !req
331. If we ever doCopy !req
332. find your Winklebottom,Copy !req
333. there's a good chance
you're not gonna want him back.Copy !req
334. ( crying ):
No.Copy !req
335. ( tires screeching )
Hey!Copy !req
336. Fancy riding, Tex!Copy !req
337. Oh, heck.Copy !req
338. Come on, Peggy.Copy !req
339. It was just a
garden gnome.Copy !req
340. Yeah, and propane is just
a stupid gas!Copy !req
341. Uh, I'm sorry.Copy !req
342. I have no reason
to lash out at you.Copy !req
343. It's just
that you get praisedCopy !req
344. all the time about the house,
but I don't.Copy !req
345. That's why Winklebottom
was a big deal for me.Copy !req
346. Complete strangers
would walk by our houseCopy !req
347. and say to themselves,Copy !req
348. "That's the lady
with the cool gnome."Copy !req
349. Now I'm just the old hagCopy !req
350. who picks up dog poop
with a hockey stick.Copy !req
351. Bobby, I'm telling your mother
what happened.Copy !req
352. You're what?Copy !req
353. I can't stand
to see her like this.Copy !req
354. It's the only thing
that'll give her peace.Copy !req
355. No way!Copy !req
356. The whole time
you've been giving me griefCopy !req
357. about cracking,
and now you're gonna crack?Copy !req
358. Uh-uh.Copy !req
359. We had a deal, old man!Copy !req
360. Hey, watch your mouth.Copy !req
361. Sorry.Copy !req
362. Look,
I'll take all the heat.Copy !req
363. She won't knowCopy !req
364. you had anything
to do with this.Copy !req
365. But she has to know.Copy !req
366. Uh, Peggy,Copy !req
367. I've got something difficult
to tell you.Copy !req
368. Vandals didn't take your gnome.Copy !req
369. It was me.Copy !req
370. What?Copy !req
371. Well, his ear broke off,Copy !req
372. so I drove him
to the Heimlich County ForestCopy !req
373. and buried him
in a shallow grave.Copy !req
374. No. No, you're lying.Copy !req
375. I'm not, Peggy.
It's the truth.Copy !req
376. No. Even if you
hated Winklebottom,Copy !req
377. there is no wayCopy !req
378. you would ever do
such a hurtful thing.Copy !req
379. Oh, my God,
you're covering for someone.Copy !req
380. Peggy, I'm-I'm not...Copy !req
381. Bobby! It's Bobby!Copy !req
382. Me?Copy !req
383. Of course.Copy !req
384. You were playing one
of your weird little games,Copy !req
385. and you broke it, didn't you?Copy !req
386. Uh... uh... Dad?Copy !req
387. No, no, really,
it was me.Copy !req
388. I couldn't stand
the little freak,Copy !req
389. so I rolled him in a towelCopy !req
390. and smashed him to pieces
for good measure.Copy !req
391. You should've seen him, Mom.Copy !req
392. He was nuts!Copy !req
393. How dare you try
laying this on your father!Copy !req
394. You're grounded
for a week, mister.Copy !req
395. Dad!Copy !req
396. Peggy, really, he didn't...Copy !req
397. Don't make it any
worse for him, Hank.Copy !req
398. Now you go
to your room!Copy !req
399. Dinnertime.Copy !req
400. One peanut butter
and jelly sandwich, no dessert.Copy !req
401. ( quietly ):
There's pudding in my sock.Copy !req
402. Everything'll be fine.Copy !req
403. Your mother
will get over this.Copy !req
404. No, she won't.Copy !req
405. Dad, you've got
to get her a new one.Copy !req
406. But... ( sighs )
that thing was pretty rare.Copy !req
407. I wouldn't even know
where to get another one.Copy !req
408. I do.Copy !req
409. You know that German
tourist town on I-35?Copy !req
410. The one with
the windmillsCopy !req
411. and the
gingerbread houses?Copy !req
412. New Hoffenschime.Copy !req
413. If they don't have
a replacementCopy !req
414. for Winklebottom,
then no one does.Copy !req
415. Lights out, Bobby.Copy !req
416. ( shouting ):
I said, lights out!Copy !req
417. ( whispering ):
I'll bring you back a T-shirt.Copy !req
418. I need a gnome.Copy !req
419. And not just any gnome.Copy !req
420. I need a Winklebottom.Copy !req
421. A Winklebottom!Copy !req
422. Why don't you ask
me to move a rainbow?Copy !req
423. Ugh. I can't tell
if you're being sarcastic,Copy !req
424. or just weird.Copy !req
425. If you're
lucky enoughCopy !req
426. to get a hold of
a Winklebottom,Copy !req
427. you better hang
on for dear life.Copy !req
428. Now, if you want
something spectacular,Copy !req
429. how about one of these?Copy !req
430. Just marked it down 80%.Copy !req
431. Hey, what's that over there?Copy !req
432. Oh, that's an
antique Figgleforth.Copy !req
433. True, he looks very
similar to Winklebottom,Copy !req
434. but let me warn you—Copy !req
435. completely different
personality.Copy !req
436. Wrap him up
and get me out of here.Copy !req
437. Ooh, a Figgleforth!Copy !req
438. Excuse me, I
had him first.Copy !req
439. Actually, you didn't.Copy !req
440. Hey, hey, let's leave
the fightingCopy !req
441. to the trolls, okay?Copy !req
442. I really need
this particular gnome.Copy !req
443. Who doesn't?Copy !req
444. I bet this joker
doesn't even knowCopy !req
445. where gnomes
come from.Copy !req
446. Or how they
say good night
to each other.Copy !req
447. Or what it meansCopy !req
448. when they shave
their mustacheCopy !req
449. and not
their beard.Copy !req
450. All right, you got me.Copy !req
451. I'm not a dork,
I sell propane.Copy !req
452. Truth is, I hate gnomes.Copy !req
453. I really,
really hate them.Copy !req
454. But my wife loves 'em.Copy !req
455. And as beautiful as my lawnCopy !req
456. and my galvanized
steel rain gutters are,Copy !req
457. they're no match
for my wife's happiness.Copy !req
458. I'd do anything
to see her happy again.Copy !req
459. Even if it means
putting this characterCopy !req
460. in my yard.Copy !req
461. Okay, Blanche,
the gnome is yours.Copy !req
462. Huh. Declined.Copy !req
463. You're maxxed out.Copy !req
464. Put it on layaway!Copy !req
465. I'll pay cash.Copy !req
466. Come back and see us again.Copy !req
467. Uh, yeah, I don't think so.Copy !req
468. I was talking
to Figgleforth.Copy !req
469. Yup.Copy !req
470. That's true north.Copy !req
471. Here, you can give
this to your mother.Copy !req
472. It's the fully
executed copyCopy !req
473. of the, uh,
adoption papers.Copy !req
474. I know how hardCopy !req
475. that must have been
for you, Dad.Copy !req
476. You want to talk about it?Copy !req
477. Just get your mother.Copy !req
478. Mom!Copy !req
479. Bobby, you are supposed to be...Copy !req
480. Oh! It's beautiful.Copy !req
481. His name is Figgleforth!Copy !req
482. We found
him in New
Hoffenschime.Copy !req
483. It was
Bobby's
idea.Copy !req
484. Oh, Hank, I love it.Copy !req
485. And it is so sweet of you
to give Bobby credit for this,Copy !req
486. but I know it was all you.Copy !req
487. What?
No, Peggy,
he really...Copy !req
488. Oh, don't worry, Hank.Copy !req
489. I'm not mad at him anymore.Copy !req
490. Kids will be kids.Copy !req
491. Tell you what, Bobby.Copy !req
492. Since your Dad's being
so generous towards you,Copy !req
493. so can I.Copy !req
494. I am suspending
your sentence.Copy !req
495. Thanks.Copy !req
496. Yup. Now he's out here
for the whole world to see.Copy !req
497. You know,
now that I think about it,Copy !req
498. I'm not sure if I even want
to keep him on the lawn.Copy !req
499. You don't?Copy !req
500. Well, you heard
that policeman.Copy !req
501. People steal these things
all the time.Copy !req
502. Maybe it's best
if we keep it inside.Copy !req
503. Yes! Perfect!Copy !req
504. Oh, that makes so much sense!Copy !req
505. Inside.Copy !req