King of the Hill 9x3

Directed by

Sal Lopez as Employee / First Mate / Waiter #2 (voice) • Danny Trejo as Lifeguard / Waiter (voice) • David Herman as Consulate Guy / Mitch (voice)

Cotton inherits $10,000 from the will of his friend Topsy, and goes to Mexico, with Bill in tow, to buy a timeshare. Feeling lonely after the death of his friend, Cotton gets suckered in by tales of the timeshare development's owner, O'Kelly, and decides to buy -- even though Americans cannot own land in Mexico. Meanwhile, Peggy, Bobby and Dale search for a pool to swim in.

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Subtitle languages: English • Spanish • Brazilian Portuguese

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1. Hot enough for ya?

2. Shut up, Bill.

3. You've said that three times.

4. What the...? Dang ol' dang!

5. Damn, you should've seen your faces.

6. Very witty, Colonel.

7. What brings you to our humble alley

8. this afternoon?

9. Well, all the money I inherited from Topsy's estate

10. got me to thinking.

11. Topsy's dead.

12. I outlived my last friend.

13. Dang, it makes a man feel invincible.

14. Congratulations on once again outrunning the reaper, sir.

15. It gets better than that.

16. Topsy left me $10,000 to take care of his funeral.

17. So after the cremation and ash bag,

18. I'm still up $9,920.

19. Well, that's great.

20. You can finally get your Cadillac car back

21. from Lane Pratley,

22. so you don't have to keep taking the bus everywhere.

23. Heck, I bet you'll have enough left over

24. to buy a certificate of deposit.

25. Car payments? CDs?

26. That ain't good enough for Topsy.

27. I'm gonna use the money to do what he would've done—

28. hell raising and girl chasing.

29. And I'm gonna need someone to help me.

30. Uh... Fatty.

31. Sir!

32. Ain't you in the Army?

33. Sergeant Barber, sir!

34. Fatty, you're my new friend.

35. Congratulations.

36. Really? Me?

37. Thank you, sir!

38. What're we gonna do first?

39. Should I change my shirt?

40. Take my shirt off?

41. Get a new shirt?

42. So then Cotton says,

43. "I bet Fatty here can eat 50 potatoes,"

44. and the bartender said, "No way."

45. Which of course was a terrible insult to the colonel's honor.

46. Long story short, I was pronounced legally dead.

47. But it was a heck of a weekend.

48. Yeah, it was...

49. What else you got to get into around here?

50. Me and Topsy's money are getting bored.

51. If you're looking for fun,

52. I've got a super long extension cord.

53. We could see what it would be like

54. to make toast in the alley.

55. Nope.

56. Only thing that makes sense is to head for the place

57. where a man with American dollars can live like a king,

58. suckling on God's great teat.

59. Mexico.

60. Margareetees and senoreetees!

61. Amen, Fatty.

62. What? No, no way.

63. I got a brochure from a timeshare in Mexico.

64. It looks beautiful.

65. You're going to buy a timeshare?

66. In Mexico?

67. We don't have to buy.

68. We can stay for free and all we have to do

69. is listen to a 20-minute information session.

70. Perfect.

71. We can save our money for hookers and bribing Federales.

72. Dad, we have good relations with Mexico right now,

73. I'm not going to let you jeopardize that.

74. Especially when you should be doing

75. something useful with that money.

76. Don't worry, Hank. I'll be with him.

77. Bill, these timeshare people will clean you out.

78. Now, I'll okay making toast in the alley,

79. but you two aren't going anywhere.

80. You can't control your wife

81. and she's only half the man I am.

82. Fatty, pack your most colorful pants.

83. We're going to Mexico.

84. Whee!

85. It's so hot.

86. This corn is practically cooking.

87. Now, Bobby, the more you complain about the heat

88. the hotter it feels.

89. I'm worried about my dad.

90. I'm gonna have to go down to that timeshare with him,

91. make sure he doesn't do something crazy.

92. Plus I'll be baby-sitting Bill.

93. His wages are still being garnished by Columbia House.

94. A timeshare is the last thing he needs.

95. You be careful, too, Hank.

96. You're going down there with a liver, two kidneys

97. and no timeshare—

98. I expect you to come back the same way.

99. Well, if an at-risk kid

100. can't get me to order Sports Illustrated,

101. no one's gonna sell me a timeshare.

102. Oh, God, why won't the sun go down?

103. Got berk, you drive slow, boy!

104. A Mexican speed limit is still a speed limit, Dad.

105. Hey, Fatty, I got a game that'll help pass the time.

106. Who do you think is uglier,

107. Hank's mother or Hank's wife?

108. Here it comes, Bobby...

109. Hi, Peggy.

110. You're sweating like a pig.

111. Dale, if you block my sprinkle turn

112. I will take you down.

113. That's for amateurs.

114. I'm stalking the big gallonage.

115. Hank's wife or C. Everett Coop?

116. Take your time.

117. Wow. This is pretty nice.

118. Welcome,

119. welcome.

120. Or as we say in El Grande Vista—

121. Bien-ven-i-do.

122. Look, uh, Rich, I just want to be honest

123. so there are no hard feelings—

124. we're not interested in buying.

125. Especially Bill.

126. I appreciate that.

127. But it's my job to make sure

128. everyone hears our dumb little spiel.

129. After that,

130. we can start your free world-class vacation.

131. Do they make swim diapers in my size?

132. Because I don't ever want to get out.

133. Look, Peggy, I can do a one-handed hand stand.

134. See?

135. This house is in truly move-in condition.

136. They're gonna take our pool away.

137. I can't go back to the lawn.

138. You, find us another pool.

139. This is O'Kelly.

140. Our Founder.

141. Wow.

142. O'Kelly has incredible gifts.

143. We're lucky he used them

144. to build the world's finest timeshares.

145. It's strange.

146. I fear him, but I am not afraid.

147. All right, I got three up. Wendy?

148. I know, I've got the bald, fat guy

149. who's going to look down my shirt.

150. Mitch, you take grandpa.

151. And then there's Mr. Consumer Reports.

152. Leave it to me.

153. I just hope I'm good enough.

154. You seem like the kind of man

155. who'd really enjoy O'Kelly's company.

156. He's an adventurer, explorer—

157. Yeah, yeah,

158. smells like strawberries, pees ginger beer.

159. Don't care.

160. I know how you feel, Mr. Hill. Afraid to take a chance.

161. If you're like me, your wife would tan your hide

162. if you thought for yourself.

163. Yep, that's why I'm not buying.

164. I'm a big 'fraidy cat.

165. I'm barely even a man.

166. My wife chases me around with a rolling pin.

167. It's got nothing to do with timeshares

168. being one of the worst investments there is.

169. Bill, an attractive man like yourself...

170. I'll buy!

171. Congratulations. I think you'll find...

172. Oh, it seems this card has been denied.

173. I-I got other cards.

174. Do you take Blockbuster?

175. Oh, wait! I forgot about this baby—

176. it has no credit limit.

177. I hear you, Hank.

178. But let me ask you this...

179. how much do you spend on an average vacation?

180. Bill, no!

181. I'm holding onto this

182. and I'm not letting you out of my sight.

183. No one is buying a timeshare.

184. Congratulations on your new time share, Colonel.

185. I'm in!

186. O'Kelly sounds like he's got

187. the smarts of Topsy, the gumption of Brooklyn

188. and the moxie of Fat Brooklyn.

189. He's like all my old dead friends

190. rolled into one big, live friend.

191. Yes. To Brooklyn.

192. Absolutely.

193. Look, I don't know anything

194. about this O'Kelly guy,

195. but you were in a sales- pressure-induced daze

196. and they made you sign something

197. you didn't understand.

198. We'll get you out of this.

199. I don't want out.

200. Damn it, boy, quit acting

201. like a doorjamb and get on board.

202. Maybe you should think about it, Colonel Hill.

203. Our policy here is, if you decide you don't want

204. to live life to the fullest, you got 12 hours to back out.

205. In the meantime, why don't you enjoy

206. a bite at one of our world-class restaurants?

207. Here are some owners' coupons

208. for 10% off.

209. You see that, boy?

210. What do you get with your precious AAA card?

211. They don't even take those here.

212. Isn't it beautiful?

213. Last time I was here, they were puppies.

214. Now, which one of you is Scamp?

215. That hair dryer, mine.

216. Copy of Leisure Properties Monthly— mine.

217. Looky here, they got the water

218. that don't give you the hot poops. Swanky.

219. Look, I admit, it's a great room,

220. but I saw an ad that anyone

221. can rent the same O'Kelly suite for $35 a night.

222. You're paying three times that.

223. Come here, Hank.

224. Do you know what's out there?

225. O'Kelly's private yacht, manned 24 hours a day

226. by the creme de la crème of the Mexican navy.

227. Got a private chef used to work for Cantinflas.

228. I don't see anything.

229. That's 'cause you're looking with renter's eyes.

230. I think I see it.

231. You get in good with O'Kelly, you get on that yacht.

232. That's the kind of lifestyle

233. you buy into here at El Grande Vista.

234. But you're not really buying.

235. It says in their own brochure—

236. Americans cannot own land in Mexico.

237. If I don't own anything,

238. why am I paying all these maintenance fees

239. and property taxes?

240. Good point.

241. You've still got ten hours to get out, Dad.

242. I ain't getting out of anything.

243. I like it here.

244. Fatty, let's go to the owners' pool.

245. Just pour it in the snorkel.

246. Pour it...

247. Colonel, you're a world traveler,

248. so I'm sure you appreciate

249. the international details O'Kelly insists on—

250. Italianate marble, Mexican cacti.

251. We're proud of saying "It's the casa with class-a."

252. Yeah, becoming an owner

253. was the best thing I did with the money I inherited.

254. I should have brought Topsy's ashes down here

255. and spread them over a señorita.

256. All right, all right.

257. Rich, you're all right, all right,

258. but you know what I don't get?

259. Hank was saying if you buy

260. a timeshare in Mexico, you can't even own it

261. 'cause you're a foreigner.

262. How can you buy something that you can't own?

263. Why, that's true.

264. My son is a jackass and a killjoy,

265. but that is a puzzler.

266. Bill, why don't you get us

267. some chips and salsa?

268. Can do.

269. So level with me, Rich.

270. Is it true?

271. 'Cause I only got six hours to make up my mind.

272. Colonel, I wasn't supposed to tell you this

273. because you're not an owner yet,

274. but you've already been handpicked by O'Kelly

275. to join his El Presidente Circle.

276. It's an elite group of owners.

277. Very exclusive.

278. You'd have a condo on El Presidente Island.

279. Use of O'Kelly's helicopter, humidor privileges,

280. Oh...

281. You'll receive your own

282. El Presidente Medal of Achievement.

283. It all happens aboard O'Kelly's yacht

284. tomorrow night— assuming you decide to stay.

285. Handpicked, eh?

286. Yeah, I could chew that over.

287. Uh... Your friend.

288. I don't know how to put this.

289. O'Kelly's yacht may be big,

290. but there's not always room on it for everyone

291. Fatty!

292. Sir, yes, sir!

293. I'm done with you. Get packin'.

294. Yeah, but... Sir,

295. please swim to the shallow end.

296. Dad! Dad!

297. Sir, please stop that.

298. Bill?

299. Your dad doesn't need me anymore.

300. He dumped me for O'Kelly.

301. Bill, I've only got a couple of hours

302. to get my dad out of this deal,

303. and I can't do it alone.

304. I need you.

305. Colonel, your cabeza es muy grande.

306. Hurry up, Bill.

307. They're measuring my dad for a sombrero.

308. I'm almost through, I'm almost through.

309. I'm... Ow!

310. There's the fence.

311. Dang it, we'll never get to him in time.

312. He's gonna lose every penny.

313. Maybe we should just give up

314. and let him enjoy himself.

315. I mean, a month ago he didn't even have that money.

316. No, this is important.

317. I can't let him get ripped off.

318. Beautiful, Colonel.

319. Very authentic.

320. I came down here to protect my dad

321. and damn it, that's what I'm going to do.

322. We've gotta get to Rich.

323. Just look out for those guys in the feathers.

324. They worked me over pretty good

325. after they kicked me out of the pool.

326. Leave this to me.

327. I'll distract them.

328. It's vacation as investment...

329. I am going to go and eat some of O'Kelly's penguins!

330. Americans cannot own land in Mexico!

331. Americans cannot own land in Mexico.

332. I'm sorry. He's not a member.

333. Okay, you little weasel,

334. I'm not letting you steal any more of my dad's money.

335. Steal? Hank, your dad is an adult.

336. He has a right to spend his own money

337. and this is how he wants to spend it.

338. And I should tell you, with your father

339. a member of El Presidente, I think O'Kelly

340. would look very favorably on your application.

341. But he doesn't even have anything.

342. He lives in an apartment and only gets $300 a month pension.

343. He can't even afford real Cheerios.

344. He eats something called Oat Loops.

345. It's made right around here.

346. What? But then...

347. how can we raise his monthly ownership dues?

348. And if he's not a homeowner, then...

349. what are we going to foreclose on?

350. Fine. You want your dad out of this? He's out.

351. Dad? You there?

352. I've got something to talk about with you.

353. Which cufflinks do you think O'Kelly would like more?

354. The ones that look like bosoms?

355. Or the ones that look like guns?

356. Why're you all dressed up?

357. You only become El Presidente once, boy.

358. I want to look sharp tomorrow night

359. when I board O'Kelly's yacht

360. and the great man himself hands me

361. my El Presidente Medal of Achievement.

362. Uh...

363. that's why I came by. I, uh...

364. I gotta admit, Hank.

365. Since all my buddies kicked off,

366. things just ain't felt right,

367. but now I gots me

368. some place where I belong.

369. Uh, yeah. We need to talk about that.

370. Nothing to talk about.

371. I was born. I lived.

372. Then I got to be El Presidente

373. and that made it all worthwhile.

374. I tried to help my dad and I've made everything worse.

375. Meeting O'Kelly has become his whole reason for living.

376. I got hit in the head, Hank.

377. I can't hear too well.

378. Is this butter or water?

379. May I have your coupons, please?

380. Uh, we don't have any coupons.

381. Then... what are you doing here?

382. Tapado, no van a creer lo que he visto!

383. He's going to be devastated

384. when he can't get on that damn yacht.

385. I'm not gonna let this happen.

386. I'm going to the one place

387. that can get something done about it.

388. Mr. Hill, I've had a lot of complaints about timeshares,

389. but they're pretty tough contracts to get out of.

390. No, I already got him out of his contract.

391. The problem is my dad wants

392. to be an El Presidente- level member.

393. Oh. And they won't let him in because he's...

394. Why won't they let him in?

395. Because you can't be an El Presidente member

396. unless you buy a timeshare.

397. So you want me

398. to get your father into El Presidente for free?

399. Yeah, that would be great.

400. I got it!

401. Why don't we slap an embargo

402. on all of Mexico

403. till Rich lets him in?

404. You know, starve 'em out.

405. I'm kidding, Mr. Hill.

406. Well, hello there.

407. We are your new next door neighbors.

408. You're gonna love us!

409. What happened to the Petersons?

410. Unclear.

411. So, what do you say, how about a swim, neighbor?

412. Neighbor?

413. Neighbor?

414. Neighbor!

415. What do you mean, I ain't on the list?

416. I'm sorry, Colonel.

417. This is very awkward.

418. Awkward? Awkward is me slicing your belly open!

419. Now, let me on that yacht!

420. But I was handpicked by O'Kelly.

421. Oh.

422. You just can't beat these guys, Hank.

423. Yeah, well, I gotta find some way

424. to get inside there.

425. I'm off to urinate on the statue of O'Kelly!

426. Don't touch...!

427. Look, Rich,

428. I know I asked you to let my dad

429. out of that timeshare,

430. but I didn't realize how much El Presidente

431. meant to him.

432. Can you just let him back in

433. so he can get on that boat tonight?

434. I'd love to, Hank, but I don't know.

435. There's a lot of paperwork to do,

436. not to mention some pretty steep express- processing fees.

437. But maybe there is way we could overlook all that.

438. Yeah?

439. If Cotton recommended

440. someone who bought,

441. say, a week at El Grande Vista,

442. maybe O'Kelly would reconsider him.

443. Oh, God. Oh, no.

444. Hank, how much do you spend

445. on a typical vacation?

446. I can't thank you enough, Mr. Hill.

447. I was about to lose my job.

448. And my wife...

449. Save it, Jim. He's in the bag.

450. Great. Sign here, here, and here.

451. Yep.

452. Yep.

453. Hey, Dad. So, how was El Presidente?

454. Did you get to meet O'Kelly?

455. I wish I could tell you, boy, but code of the El Presidente.

456. What happens on that yacht stays on that yacht.

457. Hey, Rich told me

458. you were gonna buy a week here at the Vista!

459. Hell, that's great news!

460. That's right, Dad.

461. Well, I'll leave you two owners.

462. Please accept these coupons for soup and half a sandwich.

463. Look how beautiful it is, boy.

464. I told you I knew how to spend that money.

465. Hell, Topsy couldn't have spent it better himself.

466. You're right about that, Dad.

467. This was a great investment, I tell you what.

468. But, Hank, I thought you said

469. Americans can't own land in Mexico...

470. A great investment.

471. Just pour it in the snorkel. Pour it...