1. Now I'm not gonna mention any names,Copy !req
2. but due to last year's
unfortunate kissing incident,Copy !req
3. mistletoe is banned
from this year's Christmas party.Copy !req
4. Peppermint Schnapps makes me sloppy.Copy !req
5. Enough with your party, Hank.Copy !req
6. Help me figure out
what to get Nancy for Christmas.Copy !req
7. I'll never top that oil painting
I commissioned last year.Copy !req
8. "Nude Dale In Repose."Copy !req
9. Tasteful, yet you can see everything.Copy !req
10. Here we are, lady.Copy !req
11. 123 Rainey Street.Copy !req
12. Well, thank you, young man.Copy !req
13. This is it.Copy !req
14. That's her, all right.Copy !req
15. Uh, excuse me, ma'am.Copy !req
16. My name is Hank Hill and I own this house.
Is there something I can help you with?Copy !req
17. I'm Ruby Wakefield and I used to live here
many years ago with my twin sister.Copy !req
18. My word.Copy !req
19. Look how big that tree has grown.Copy !req
20. I planted that thing
when it was a sapling.Copy !req
21. I give that tree a deep root feeding
twice a year.Copy !req
22. Hank, I got your antlers.Copy !req
23. Well, that's my family.
We're gonna go harvest a Christmas tree.Copy !req
24. They look lovely.Copy !req
25. I appreciate your taking
such good care of this house.Copy !req
26. It means a lot to me.Copy !req
27. Hey, Ms. Wakefield,Copy !req
28. if you're in town tomorrow,
why don't you come back for dinner?Copy !req
29. I'll give you the indoor tour.Copy !req
30. The kitchen sink now
has a garbage disposal.Copy !req
31. I'd like that, Mr. Hill.Copy !req
32. So, she's a twin?Copy !req
33. I still cannot believe you invited
that old woman over for dinner, Hank.Copy !req
34. That's like putting out a saucer of milk
for a stray cat.Copy !req
35. One lap, you'll never get rid of her.Copy !req
36. All she wants to do
is take a walk down memory lane.Copy !req
37. Besides, most seniors
are lactose intolerant.Copy !req
38. Keep going, Bobby, you're almost there.Copy !req
39. I like old people
as much as anybody should,Copy !req
40. but you've got to be careful.Copy !req
41. Good work, Bobby.Copy !req
42. Listen to that baby hum.Copy !req
43. I remember dropping
a friendship ring down this drain.Copy !req
44. Practically broke off my fingernail
getting it back.Copy !req
45. I know how that feels, Ms. Wakefield.Copy !req
46. One time, the front door
bent my pinkie toe backwards.Copy !req
47. The nail grew back really gross.Copy !req
48. Leave your shoe on, Bobby.Copy !req
49. Believe it or not,Copy !req
50. but that is a memory
that you'll cherish someday, Bobby.Copy !req
51. So save up as many as you canCopy !req
52. because when you're old like me,Copy !req
53. you'll have riches
beyond all the gold in the world.Copy !req
54. Oh, darn.Copy !req
55. I cannot believe we're out of coffee.Copy !req
56. Oh, well, it's getting close
to bed time anyway, huh?Copy !req
57. Oh, you have such wonderful memories.Copy !req
58. Now I can't wait to get old and wrinkly,
and grow a little hump on my back.Copy !req
59. You're so sweet, dear.Copy !req
60. Mrs. Hill, it amazes me how much
you remind me of my sister.Copy !req
61. So smart and pretty.Copy !req
62. Well, thank you.Copy !req
63. Oh, lookie here, a new can of coffee.Copy !req
64. I'll just brew some up.Copy !req
65. Oh, coffee sounds nice, dear.Copy !req
66. I got it.Copy !req
67. What if I seal myself in a crateCopy !req
68. and have me delivered
on Christmas day to Nancy?Copy !req
69. Wait, do they have mail on Christmas?Copy !req
70. It wouldn't be very merry
if I died in some distribution center.Copy !req
71. Why don't you just take Nancy
to a countryside bed and breakfastCopy !req
72. for a lovely nice romantic weekend?Copy !req
73. Nah, I'm not the kind of person
who pays someone 100 bucksCopy !req
74. to sleep in their dirty sheets.Copy !req
75. I'm the kind of person
who charges other peopleCopy !req
76. to sleep in my dirty sheets.Copy !req
77. That's it.Copy !req
78. I'll turn our house
into a bed and breakfast.Copy !req
79. All you need is some potpourriCopy !req
80. and a few boxes of waffles
and you're in business.Copy !req
81. Mm.Copy !req
82. Don't you nay-say me, Boomhauer.Copy !req
83. Once I find the right hook,Copy !req
84. this is gonna be the gift
that keeps on giving.Copy !req
85. Say nay now, naysayer.Copy !req
86. Mm.Copy !req
87. What a handsome family you are.Copy !req
88. How very observant of you.Copy !req
89. This is my room.Copy !req
90. It's chock full of memories for me.Copy !req
91. Ooh, like the time I dressed
our dog, Ladybird, in my underwearCopy !req
92. and pretended that
we were Calvin Klein models.Copy !req
93. This is also where I read my Bible
every night before bed.Copy !req
94. Yes, this room certainly
brings back many memories.Copy !req
95. This is where my sister died.Copy !req
96. - Ew.
- Good Lord.Copy !req
97. Your sister died in my room?Copy !req
98. Well, actually, she just had
a massive heart attack in here.Copy !req
99. Somehow she managed to crawl
down the hallwayCopy !req
100. to about right over there…Copy !req
101. I don't know how she dragged herself
with her arthritic fingers.Copy !req
102. She couldn't even open a jar
of apple butter.Copy !req
103. Oh, you have to forgive me,Copy !req
104. but I think I need to sit
for a moment and rest.Copy !req
105. She's been asleep for over an hour.Copy !req
106. I guess I'd better wake her up
and send her on her way.Copy !req
107. Ms. Wakefield. Ms. Wakefield.Copy !req
108. - Ms. Wake…
- Hey.Copy !req
109. What's going on?Copy !req
110. Oh, I'm still here.Copy !req
111. Yeah, you dozed off for a bit,
and it's getting kinda late.Copy !req
112. I'm sure you're ready to head on home.Copy !req
113. Yes, I am. I am ready.Copy !req
114. Ms. Wakefield, are you okay?Copy !req
115. Huh?Copy !req
116. Oh, oh, uh…Copy !req
117. The happiest times of my life
were spent here in this house.Copy !req
118. That's why there is no place else
in the worldCopy !req
119. that I would rather end my days.Copy !req
120. End your days?Copy !req
121. Yes. I want to die here.Copy !req
122. I promise not to be a nuisance.Copy !req
123. Ms. Wakefield, you can't die in my house.Copy !req
124. You're really not being a good guest…Copy !req
125. ma'am.Copy !req
126. I called you a taxi.Copy !req
127. It's the least we can do,
but all we're gonna do.Copy !req
128. But it's important to me to die
where I was happiest.Copy !req
129. Don't you want me to be happy?Copy !req
130. Not that way.Copy !req
131. Okay, I guess it's your house.Copy !req
132. I'll just get my shawl.Copy !req
133. Oh, great, she went behind the tree.Copy !req
134. Oh. We don't decorate back there.Copy !req
135. Ms. Wakefield, please…Copy !req
136. I promise not to drag this out.Copy !req
137. I bet it won't take me more than two days.Copy !req
138. At most, three.Copy !req
139. You keep her busy.Copy !req
140. I'll sneak up from behind
and poke her with this driver.Copy !req
141. You got me that driver I wanted?Copy !req
142. - She's headed for the bathroom.
- Dang it.Copy !req
143. Hey, I'm in here.Copy !req
144. - Ms. Wakefield, you need to leave.
- Oh.Copy !req
145. Hank, the taxi's here.Copy !req
146. I cannot believe it's this hard
to think of a bed and breakfast theme.Copy !req
147. How about an Evening at the Improv?Copy !req
148. Great idea.Copy !req
149. I know… crap idea.Copy !req
150. Dang it, Boomhauer, aren't you ever wrong?Copy !req
151. Please,Copy !req
152. don't make me leave.Copy !req
153. I promise I won't be any trouble.Copy !req
154. Stop pinching me, Ms. Wakefield.Copy !req
155. Ah, finally.
Hank come to his senses and…Copy !req
156. Wait a minute, that not Peggy.Copy !req
157. Why you picking on that old lady, Sug?Copy !req
158. I'm not picking on her.
She wants to die in my house.Copy !req
159. Please, show some compassion.Copy !req
160. I, uh… She…Copy !req
161. We ate, we laughed, we had some coffee…Copy !req
162. then she told us she wanted
to die in my houseCopy !req
163. and ruined the whole got-dang evening.Copy !req
164. So, basically, this woman told youCopy !req
165. that she wanted to die in your house,
no strings attached?Copy !req
166. Yep.Copy !req
167. I've got it.Copy !req
168. The theme is a haunted bed and breakfast.Copy !req
169. Hauntings are all the rage now.Copy !req
170. Haunted hotel rooms, haunted cruises.Copy !req
171. If I can get that crone
to agree to die in my houseCopy !req
172. and haunt the place,
we'd be booked year round.Copy !req
173. What do you say now, Boomhauer?Copy !req
174. Mm.Copy !req
175. What in the heck
are you talking about, Dale?Copy !req
176. Nancy's Christmas present.Copy !req
177. Please, Hank,
let Ms. Wakefield die in my house.Copy !req
178. Please, please, please…Copy !req
179. Has everyone gone crazy?Copy !req
180. It's Christmas for God's sake.Copy !req
181. No one is dying in my house
or your house, Dale.Copy !req
182. I'll probably die in my house.Copy !req
183. Wedged behind the bathroom door.
Inaccessible to the paramedics.Copy !req
184. Well, what can you do?Copy !req
185. I can't believe that I'm feeling guilty
about denying Ms. Wakefield's…Copy !req
186. request.Copy !req
187. Well, what does she expect us to do?Copy !req
188. Bobby, I don't know how a giraffe
got in the nativity scene, but I like it.Copy !req
189. Let's go find a zebra.Copy !req
190. Ms. Wakefield, what are you doing here?Copy !req
191. I just wanted to apologize
for causing such a scene the other night.Copy !req
192. I hope you're not angry with me.Copy !req
193. Merry Christmas, Mr. Hill.Copy !req
194. Oh, well, Merry Christmas
to you too, Ms. Wakefield.Copy !req
195. I drank a lot of iced tea earlier.
Could I use your bathroom?Copy !req
196. Oh, sure thing.
It's right down the hall on the…Copy !req
197. Wait a minute.
I know what you're trying to do.Copy !req
198. You don't need to use the bathroom.
You just want to die in there, don't you?Copy !req
199. I promise I won't take long.Copy !req
200. If I hold my breath for ten seconds,
I bet I'll slip away just like that.Copy !req
201. I have a proposition for you.Copy !req
202. And a plate of pitted prunes.Copy !req
203. Why die here, you ask?Copy !req
204. Well, you'd be getting in
on the ground floorCopy !req
205. of a wonderful investment opportunity,Copy !req
206. and all you really have to do
is make two appearances a dayCopy !req
207. from the afterlife,
via this old antique mirror.Copy !req
208. It's not hard work,
but I do expect quality.Copy !req
209. Are there any questions?Copy !req
210. Can I go now?Copy !req
211. What, so you can go die
over at Hank's house?Copy !req
212. I could get you a dead little lapdog
to keep you company.Copy !req
213. That shuffle alone would pack the place.Copy !req
214. I still don't see why I can't come
to the mall with you guys.Copy !req
215. Because we're shopping for you.Copy !req
216. - And you peek.
- Your mother's right.Copy !req
217. Besides somebody should stay here.Copy !req
218. You know, in case an old lady tries to…Copy !req
219. Bobby, just keep the doors locked.Copy !req
220. Dooley's gonna pants Santa?
Dang, I can't go.Copy !req
221. Make sure the elves
take plenty of pictures.Copy !req
222. Let me in, Bobby.Copy !req
223. I have a peppermint.Copy !req
224. How could you there?
It's Christmas…Copy !req
225. It's reasonable not to want someone
to die in your house, right?Copy !req
226. Mm-hmm. We cannot open that door.Copy !req
227. - I mean, if Bill gets wind…
- Hank.Copy !req
228. I understand an elder wishesCopy !req
229. to use your home
as an entrance to the spirit world.Copy !req
230. My people teach that
a person must be happy at deathCopy !req
231. or they are destined to walk
throughout eternity on their handsCopy !req
232. so their frown appears to be a smile.Copy !req
233. Food for thought.Copy !req
234. Hank Hill.Copy !req
235. She's on the roof!Copy !req
236. Ms. Wakefield shoved her arm
through the mail slotCopy !req
237. and tried to unlock the door.Copy !req
238. She's been scratching at all the windows.Copy !req
239. Ms. Wakefield, show yourself.Copy !req
240. Ms. Wakefield.Copy !req
241. Dang it, Ms. Wakefield,
I have had it with you.Copy !req
242. You've got my boy hiding under the tree.Copy !req
243. You got all my friends mad at me.Copy !req
244. I'm sorry, you've left me no choice.Copy !req
245. Sixty-four to four-forty-three.Copy !req
246. Thank you for being so prompt, officers.Copy !req
247. There's the trespasser I called about.Copy !req
248. Her?Copy !req
249. You want us to arrest that poor old woman?Copy !req
250. Hank had to call Johnny Law
on big, bad, old lady with walker.Copy !req
251. I don't want them to arrest her,
I just want them to take her awayCopy !req
252. so I can get on with Christmas
and whatnot.Copy !req
253. Well, maybe you could compromise with her.Copy !req
254. Compromise? How do I do that?Copy !req
255. Let her die on my sidewalk?Copy !req
256. I'm just saying.Copy !req
257. You're not saying anything.Copy !req
258. Still.Copy !req
259. If she were trying to break
into your homes and die,Copy !req
260. you'd do the same thing, I tell you what.Copy !req
261. What have I done wrong?Copy !req
262. Absolutely nothing.Copy !req
263. Peggy's making her special Christmas fudge
for the party tomorrow.Copy !req
264. Yep, it sure is gonna to be a good time.Copy !req
265. Yeah, until you call the cops on us.Copy !req
266. That poor old woman.Copy !req
267. She committed the crime
of loving Hank's house too much.Copy !req
268. Are we not all guilty?Copy !req
269. Hank, I do not want you to blame yourself,Copy !req
270. but Ms. Wakefield died at a bus stationCopy !req
271. the very night you had her arrested
and dragged away.Copy !req
272. What?Copy !req
273. Good Lord, she was a retired
Sunday school teacher.Copy !req
274. Now, Hank, I don't want you
to dwell on the awful thingsCopy !req
275. you said to her out of anger.Copy !req
276. I can't believe she's really gone.Copy !req
277. It just seems like yesterdayCopy !req
278. she was trying to get her walker
through the doggie door.Copy !req
279. I wish she were hereCopy !req
280. so I could give her little hump a big hug.Copy !req
281. Are we still gonna have our party tonight?Copy !req
282. It just doesn't feel right.Copy !req
283. Oh, don't be silly, Bobby.Copy !req
284. Ms. Wakefield
would have wanted it that way.Copy !req
285. She probably loved parties.Copy !req
286. Now come on, let's get back
in the Christmas spirit.Copy !req
287. Why don't we pick up a little green vest
for Ladybird to wear at the party?Copy !req
288. That'll cheer everyone up.Copy !req
289. I hope this fits.Copy !req
290. Pet Town doesn't have
a very generous return policy.Copy !req
291. I still don't understand
why a vest is coolCopy !req
292. yet a Santa hat would be demeaning.Copy !req
293. If I have to explain it…Copy !req
294. Ms. Wakefield.Copy !req
295. So, Ms. Wakefield isn't dead?Copy !req
296. Oh, my God, she's somewhere in the house.Copy !req
297. Oh, Lord, I hope she isn't dead.Copy !req
298. Run!Copy !req
299. No, we've got to find her.Copy !req
300. Bobby, you and Luanne check the den.Copy !req
301. Peggy, you check the garage,
and I'll check the back of the house.Copy !req
302. If any of you find her, holler out.Copy !req
303. Oh, God!Copy !req
304. Oh, Ladybird.Copy !req
305. Dumb dog, dumb.Copy !req
306. You almost got your bell rung.Copy !req
307. Wait a minute…Copy !req
308. There you go, girl. Come on.Copy !req
309. Get Ms. Wakefield's scent
and track down that old coot.Copy !req
310. Good girl. Come on, for Mama.Copy !req
311. No, no, Ladybird.Copy !req
312. No. No fetch. Find old lady.Copy !req
313. Sniff and fi… Oh.Copy !req
314. Dumb dog.Copy !req
315. Ms. Wakefield,Copy !req
316. if you're under here,
please don't grab me by the throatCopy !req
317. and drag me into the gates of hell.Copy !req
318. Don't tell Dad.Copy !req
319. Ms. Wakefield, are you in here?Copy !req
320. I know we haven't been on the same page
about your dying and all,Copy !req
321. but I hope we can work out
our differences.Copy !req
322. Peppermint.Copy !req
323. Oh, Ms. Wakefield, why?Copy !req
324. Give me peace.Copy !req
325. Why can't you just let me be?Copy !req
326. Ms. Wakefield, we thought you were dead.Copy !req
327. We read your obituary.Copy !req
328. I was desperate.Copy !req
329. So I submitted a fake obituary
to get your guard down.Copy !req
330. You lied.Copy !req
331. Good Lord, the party.Copy !req
332. Peggy, Bobby, Luanne,
you take care of the guestsCopy !req
333. while I escort Ms. Wakefield
out the back door.Copy !req
334. I'll join you in a minute.Copy !req
335. Our Christmas has been disrupted by you
for the last time, Ms. Wakefield.Copy !req
336. Well, if you would
just let me concentrate,Copy !req
337. I'd be out of your hair forever.Copy !req
338. Merry Christmas, John Redcorn.Copy !req
339. I made you some special
reindeer-shaped cookiesCopy !req
340. with toothpicks sticking in them
like little arrows.Copy !req
341. Quite honestly, Peggy,Copy !req
342. I was going to boycott your partyCopy !req
343. to protest Hank's harsh treatment
towards our elders,Copy !req
344. but I found out that
Bill is my secret Santa,Copy !req
345. and he always gives cool gifts.Copy !req
346. Yeah, Bill really go all out.Copy !req
347. Put me down.Copy !req
348. My God, Hank is wrestling
with Ms. Wakefield's ghost.Copy !req
349. What a waste.Copy !req
350. She's not dead.Copy !req
351. She's very much alive.Copy !req
352. She falsified her obituary
and broke in here.Copy !req
353. Please just continue with the party.Copy !req
354. I'll call her a taxi
and join you in a minute.Copy !req
355. But I don't want to go.Copy !req
356. Let her be, Hank.Copy !req
357. Yeah, man. It's, like,
dang ol' Christmas, man.Copy !req
358. - Come on, Hank.
- Oh, Hank.Copy !req
359. Where is holiday spirit?Copy !req
360. All right, fine.Copy !req
361. If that's how everyone feels.Copy !req
362. Ms. Wakefield,
if you want to die in my house,Copy !req
363. then go ahead.Copy !req
364. Really?Copy !req
365. Merry Christmas.Copy !req
366. Why… why thank you.Copy !req
367. Wait, you're not just teasing me, are you?Copy !req
368. No, ma'am.Copy !req
369. Come on, everybody, it's a party.
Let's have some fun.Copy !req
370. So…Copy !req
371. Uh, Mr. Hill?Copy !req
372. You know, maybe it is
a little inappropriate right now.Copy !req
373. I mean, it is a Christmas party.Copy !req
374. Yeah, I see what you mean.Copy !req
375. Maybe I could die another time.Copy !req
376. When you're not entertaining.Copy !req
377. Sure. But you know, Ms. Wakefield,
you don't have to come back to die.Copy !req
378. You could come back just to visit.Copy !req
379. Maybe join us for a cookout
or sit under the tree you planted.Copy !req
380. That would be nice.Copy !req
381. Well, I've been enough of a bother.
I'll get out of your hair.Copy !req
382. Well, don't rush off.
Why don't you stay for secret Santa?Copy !req
383. I always get an extra gift
in case my boss stops by.Copy !req
384. Okay, here's one for Bill.Copy !req
385. Could this be that ear-and-nose trimmer
he's been needing?Copy !req
386. I hope it's hungry.Copy !req
387. All right, here's one for Peggy.Copy !req
388. Peppermint schnappsmakes me sloppy.Copy !req