1. I can't believe another
Heimlich County Pork Festival'sCopy !req
2. almost here.Copy !req
3. This year we're
gonna have to getCopy !req
4. Bill's cholesterol
tested every hour.Copy !req
5. Just remember to
keep your fingersCopy !req
6. away from my mouth.Copy !req
7. Once I'm in the zone, I
can't tell the difference.Copy !req
8. Hey, it's seven after the hour.Copy !req
9. Let's see what kind of weatherCopy !req
10. my Nancy's predicting.Copy !req
11. Even an inch tall and
ashen gray, she's beautiful.Copy !req
12. The weather's going
to be sunny and clear,Copy !req
13. not a chance of drizzle,Copy !req
14. so come on down and
watch those pigs sizzle.Copy !req
15. I'll be there to sign autographsCopy !req
16. outside the Hall
of Ham Presidents.Copy !req
17. All right!Copy !req
18. I love James K. Pork.Copy !req
19. Thanks for your help, Peggy,Copy !req
20. but try not to sign
across my face.Copy !req
21. Oh, and don't signCopy !req
22. across my cleavage either.Copy !req
23. Or, as one of my fans
calls it, my warm fronts.Copy !req
24. Oops, I must be getting tired.Copy !req
25. I signed this one
"Peggy Hill" by mistake.Copy !req
26. Well, no matter, now
it's a collector's item.Copy !req
27. Can't stop yet, sug.Copy !req
28. The weather outlook is so sunny,Copy !req
29. we could be talking
demolition derby-size crowds.Copy !req
30. Did you realize I make your
B's just like a serial killer?Copy !req
31. Well, this ruins my water
cooler talk for Monday.Copy !req
32. And Tuesday.Copy !req
33. Delayed for wind?Copy !req
34. Sure, it's a little breezy,Copy !req
35. but it's not that bad.Copy !req
36. Whoa!Copy !req
37. Nancy, fans!Copy !req
38. I look forward to the
Pork Festival all yearCopy !req
39. and your weather ruined it!Copy !req
40. Can you accurately predictCopy !req
41. what my finger's going to do?Copy !req
42. It's not my fault I got
the weather wrong.Copy !req
43. I just read it off
the TelePrompTer.Copy !req
44. My job is to pronounce it,Copy !req
45. not predict it.Copy !req
46. Oh, don't feel so bad.Copy !req
47. You know what they say
about the weather in Texas:Copy !req
48. if you don't like it,
just wait five minutes.Copy !req
49. Sometimes it takes ten.Copy !req
50. Maybe we should go.Copy !req
51. We're square
dancing in PE today.Copy !req
52. I'm do-si-do-ing
with you, Cherise!Copy !req
53. You thought he was a dog.Copy !req
54. Oh, God, what a horrible day.Copy !req
55. At least it looks like you
got a nice new pair of boots.Copy !req
56. Thanks for noticing.
Oh, can you ask meCopy !req
57. where I got them when
we're on the air, sug?Copy !req
58. That way they're free.Copy !req
59. Understood.Copy !req
60. I get a free dinner every time
I mention the Barbecue Hut.Copy !req
61. Hmm.Copy !req
62. Damn it, Nancy.Copy !req
63. People are really ticked
off about your forecast.Copy !req
64. Our phones are
ringing off the hook.Copy !req
65. What am I supposed to do?Copy !req
66. The only equipment I
have is a thermometerCopy !req
67. and a little glass skunk
whose tail turns blueCopy !req
68. when it's humid.Copy !req
69. I know, I know.Copy !req
70. Wait, what about
the Super DopplerCopy !req
71. we're always advertising?Copy !req
72. We don't really have one.Copy !req
73. We just wrote "Doppler"Copy !req
74. on the air conditioning
unit on the roof.Copy !req
75. Channel 4's got one.Copy !req
76. Televiso's got one.Copy !req
77. Well, we got to do something.Copy !req
78. The FCC's cracking
down on everyone.Copy !req
79. They won't let us keep
calling it AccuWeatherCopy !req
80. if you keep getting it wrong.Copy !req
81. Well, then get me a DopplerCopy !req
82. or whatever can predict
the weather betterCopy !req
83. so I don't look like
a jackass again, sug!Copy !req
84. Hi, Bobby.Copy !req
85. What's the matter with you?Copy !req
86. It's Jimmy Bearden!Copy !req
87. I made eye contact
with him one day,Copy !req
88. and ever since he's
been out to get me.Copy !req
89. Do you hear the barking?Copy !req
90. It's all around us.Copy !req
91. Are the puffy
clouds good or bad?Copy !req
92. Check it out, Nancy.Copy !req
93. Doppler radar. NWS link.Copy !req
94. Graphics computers. The works.Copy !req
95. Channel 84 is inCopy !req
96. the 21st century of
weather forecasting.Copy !req
97. Oh, thank God.Copy !req
98. Forecast for Arlen, please.Copy !req
99. Don't worry about how any
of this stuff works, Nancy.Copy !req
100. That's what Irv's here for.Copy !req
101. Meet Irv Bennett.Copy !req
102. Fresh from Texas Tech'sCopy !req
103. Meteorological School.Copy !req
104. Great to meet you,
Ms. Hicks-Gribble.Copy !req
105. I know this is kind of lame,Copy !req
106. but I have a printout of that
tornado that moved through hereCopy !req
107. in August of 2001.Copy !req
108. Could you sign it?Copy !req
109. Whatever, sug.Copy !req
110. I'm just glad I
finally have someoneCopy !req
111. to do my science for me.Copy !req
112. Oh, and to answer my phone.Copy !req
113. Can you always say,
"I'll see if she's available"Copy !req
114. even when I am available?Copy !req
115. Can do.Copy !req
116. Whoa, Irv, you don't
have time for that.Copy !req
117. Sure he does.Copy !req
118. Don't let it get to five ringsCopy !req
119. or the voicemail will pick up.Copy !req
120. Just move it. You've got to get
into makeup for the 5:00 report.Copy !req
121. I'm on it.Copy !req
122. Makeup? Oh, don't worry, Tom.Copy !req
123. I'll make sure I don't walk
so far that he gets in the shot.Copy !req
124. Nancy, uh...Copy !req
125. Irv's going to be doing
the weather from now on.Copy !req
126. What?Copy !req
127. Am I being fired?Copy !req
128. Now? No. We're a family.Copy !req
129. I'm sure we'll find
something for you.Copy !req
130. But the thing is,
viewers don't wantCopy !req
131. to be entertained by a
"weather girl" anymore.Copy !req
132. They want meteorologistsCopy !req
133. who, who understand weatherCopy !req
134. and can update them immediately.Copy !req
135. But-but what about me?Copy !req
136. Hey, why don't you
man the weather phone?Copy !req
137. But everybody knows the weather
phone's just the fax machine.Copy !req
138. You combine that
split-level jet streamCopy !req
139. with a high pressure system
swooping down from Canada,Copy !req
140. and you've got
classic tornado weatherCopy !req
141. and possible
wildfire conditions.Copy !req
142. I'll be tracking
the developmentsCopy !req
143. and keep you posted.Copy !req
144. Weather can be tracked?Copy !req
145. He's good.Copy !req
146. There are parts
of this forest...Copy !req
147. Wow, zero percent chance
of charm or what, huh?Copy !req
148. How could we be defeated
by a man named Irv?Copy !req
149. Oh, would you calm down.Copy !req
150. Nancy, you may look
like a Southern belle,Copy !req
151. but deep inside you
are pure Rottweiler.Copy !req
152. Think of how many lives
you ruined in high school.Copy !req
153. Heck, I've seen you break
up entire baby showersCopy !req
154. with one catty remark.Copy !req
155. You're right.Copy !req
156. Irv's not going to
know what hit him.Copy !req
157. Steak's on.Copy !req
158. Bobby, what in the
heck is wrong with you?Copy !req
159. Sorry, Dad.Copy !req
160. I'm just a little on edge
because of this bully at school.Copy !req
161. Well, what's he doing to you?Copy !req
162. Indian burns? Towel snaps?Copy !req
163. Those are the ones
you got to be careful of.Copy !req
164. No, he's jumping
out and scaring me.Copy !req
165. Well, how's he doing that?Copy !req
166. Is he big for his age?Copy !req
167. Or does he have some of
those Chinese fighting sticks?Copy !req
168. No. He jumps out and
makes a weird noise.Copy !req
169. Oh. Well, we're not going
to the principal on this one.Copy !req
170. Okay, we've been
through this before.Copy !req
171. You need to fake with your rightCopy !req
172. and jab him with your left.Copy !req
173. Come on. Try it.Copy !req
174. Why don't you find his schedule
and try to stay away from him?Copy !req
175. Hey, there, Irv-y Derv.Copy !req
176. So you must have
some wild storiesCopy !req
177. about your days at Texas Tech.Copy !req
178. Ever have a few drinks,Copy !req
179. start roughhousing with
some of your frat brothers...Copy !req
180. maybe in the shower...Copy !req
181. and things got a
little out of hand?Copy !req
182. You remember whenCopy !req
183. that arctic air blast
came through?Copy !req
184. You know, the one that hadCopy !req
185. all that heavy backlash
precip behind it?Copy !req
186. Well, me and my buddies
stood outside all night longCopy !req
187. to understand what seven
degrees Fahrenheit felt like.Copy !req
188. I mean, sure, we
could've just foundCopy !req
189. some walk-in freezer,
but it's not the same.Copy !req
190. It must be nerve-wracking
going on air for the first time.Copy !req
191. Do you ever get scaredCopy !req
192. that you will freeze
up, on camera,Copy !req
193. and just stand there
with nothing to say?Copy !req
194. Oh, there's always
something to sayCopy !req
195. about the weather around here.Copy !req
196. Tornadoes, cyclones,Copy !req
197. floods,Copy !req
198. heat waves, of course...Copy !req
199. not to mention hurricanes.Copy !req
200. Show time, Irv.Copy !req
201. All right!Copy !req
202. Oh, my God, your nose is huge.Copy !req
203. I do have a honker, don't I?Copy !req
204. You sure do.Copy !req
205. And the camera adds ten pounds,Copy !req
206. but I'm sure it won't
all go to your nose.Copy !req
207. Whoo, it's gonna be
a hot one today, folks.Copy !req
208. So find some shade
wherever you can.Copy !req
209. Hey, I bet my nose could
shade most of South Arlen.Copy !req
210. You might want to
back up camera one,Copy !req
211. because I'm about to turn here.Copy !req
212. I bet I'm a
rhinoplastician's dream.Copy !req
213. Don't you mean rhinoceros?Copy !req
214. I mean rhinoplastician.Copy !req
215. You know...Copy !req
216. rhinoplasty?Copy !req
217. By a plastic surgeon?Copy !req
218. But with this nose,Copy !req
219. I'm probably a
rhinoceros's dream, too.Copy !req
220. Good one.Copy !req
221. High five, Miguel.Copy !req
222. Huh... I never really
knew what they meantCopy !req
223. when they said mild weather,Copy !req
224. but dang if it doesn't
feel mild out here.Copy !req
225. Damn that Irv Bennett.Copy !req
226. It's like he makes the weather.Copy !req
227. Him and those
damn machines of his.Copy !req
228. This guy's got to go.Copy !req
229. If he keeps this up,
they're gonna fire Nancy.Copy !req
230. If they fire Nancy,Copy !req
231. she won't be able
to keep paying meCopy !req
232. to sit around the
house and do nothing.Copy !req
233. You know, Dale,
you could help outCopy !req
234. by cutting down
on your expenses.Copy !req
235. Maybe instead of
buying more gunsCopy !req
236. you can enjoy the ones you have.Copy !req
237. Or maybe I could just help
Nancy get rid of this guy.Copy !req
238. It's time to give him a scareCopy !req
239. like so many possums
have given me.Copy !req
240. Last night I watched the newsCopy !req
241. and pretended Irv
and I were talking.Copy !req
242. He'd say, "How
'bout that weather?"Copy !req
243. and I'd say, "It's fine, Irv.Copy !req
244. Would you like some
Swiss Miss pudding?"Copy !req
245. Iss-ton-bowl...Copy !req
246. Ees-tin-ball.Copy !req
247. Today the mayor
of Ees-ton-bowl...Copy !req
248. Irv Bennett's desk.Copy !req
249. Get out, weather man!Copy !req
250. A pain front is coming!Copy !req
251. Leave town!Copy !req
252. Dale?Copy !req
253. Nancy?Copy !req
254. What are you doing, Dale?Copy !req
255. Getting rid of Irv for you.Copy !req
256. Could you leave a
message I called?Copy !req
257. Not me, but Me!Copy !req
258. Attention, everybody!Copy !req
259. Irv just informed me
we've got a wildfire!Copy !req
260. Now, listen up:Copy !req
261. I want us ready to go
to News Team coverageCopy !req
262. as soon as this Seinfeld ends!Copy !req
263. Miguel, you'll lead
and throw to Irv,Copy !req
264. who'll be here in studio.Copy !req
265. We need all hands
on this one, people!Copy !req
266. Where do you want me?Copy !req
267. You can head home.Copy !req
268. We might need to use your deskCopy !req
269. in case the cameramen
need to sleep in shifts.Copy !req
270. Are those the pants
you went to school in?Copy !req
271. No, Dad.Copy !req
272. Jimmy Bearden scared
me, and I peed myself,Copy !req
273. so they gave me
"lost and found" pants.Copy !req
274. Are you happy?Copy !req
275. No. What happened?Copy !req
276. You know that little
conveyor belt in the cafeteriaCopy !req
277. that takes your tray?Copy !req
278. He was on it!Copy !req
279. Get in the truck, Bobby.Copy !req
280. We're going to fix
your problem for good.Copy !req
281. Ohh...Copy !req
282. Go change your pants, son.Copy !req
283. And nowCopy !req
284. Action News from
Channel 84's news team:Copy !req
285. Miguel Hernandez,Copy !req
286. Don Ringle with sports,Copy !req
287. and meteorologist Irv BennettCopy !req
288. with the latest
on the wildfires.Copy !req
289. Oh, you call that a turnaround?Copy !req
290. Tell me, can that
compare to this?Copy !req
291. Wow.Copy !req
292. That is almost too
powerful in person.Copy !req
293. Oh, thanks, sug,Copy !req
294. but I know I'm finished
as a weather gal.Copy !req
295. I don't even know if I
want to work in an industryCopy !req
296. that values brains over beauty.Copy !req
297. So you're just gonna give up?Copy !req
298. That's not the Nancy I know.Copy !req
299. When are you going to learnCopy !req
300. that the real
Doppler is in here?Copy !req
301. And that if you want
to keep your job,Copy !req
302. you're going to have to
do everything in your powerCopy !req
303. to fight for it.Copy !req
304. What do you mean? Kill Irv?Copy !req
305. No! Use the fire.Copy !req
306. To kill Irv?Copy !req
307. No!Copy !req
308. Nancy, you cannot waitCopy !req
309. for them to bring
the news to you.Copy !req
310. You have to go out and find it.Copy !req
311. We'll go cover the fire
and force the station to seeCopy !req
312. how much of an asset you are.Copy !req
313. Yeah...Copy !req
314. Dale! Get out of the hot tub!Copy !req
315. We're stealing a news van!Copy !req
316. It's the perfect crime!Copy !req
317. How will they ever report it?Copy !req
318. The thing is, Mr. Bearden,Copy !req
319. your son has left Bobby here,Copy !req
320. uh, severely startled
on several occasions.Copy !req
321. Where is Jimmy anyway?Copy !req
322. You didn't see him outside?Copy !req
323. He said he was going outside!Copy !req
324. I'm sorry, Mr. Hill.Copy !req
325. He does the same thing to me.Copy !req
326. I can't help you.Copy !req
327. Okay, it looks like you've got
a straight shot to your truck.Copy !req
328. Watch out when you
pass that mailbox, though.Copy !req
329. That kid can wedge
himself into anything.Copy !req
330. Okay. If we get stopped,
Nancy, you work here,Copy !req
331. I'm looking for directions,Copy !req
332. and Peggy, you're
my shy assistantCopy !req
333. with a speech impediment.Copy !req
334. Go.Copy !req
335. Hola, señor.Copy !req
336. I am Miguel Hernandez,
here to cover el fuego de wild.Copy !req
337. Perfect.Copy !req
338. You know the drill.Copy !req
339. Stay in the media area.Copy !req
340. Oh, forget it, sugs.Copy !req
341. Everyone's already here.Copy !req
342. And Lucy Murphy from Channel 7Copy !req
343. is wearing the same jacket I am.Copy !req
344. What am I gonna
get that they won't?Copy !req
345. You cannot give up now.Copy !req
346. We already stole a van.Copy !req
347. We have got more initiative.Copy !req
348. We're better than these sheep!Copy !req
349. Yeah, you can barely
see the fire from here.Copy !req
350. Let's go to where you can
hardly see here from the fire!Copy !req
351. Ooh, there'sCopy !req
352. an access road. Drive up itCopy !req
353. real casual like.Copy !req
354. Got ya.Copy !req
355. Oh, while those chumps are
down there looking at smoke,Copy !req
356. we'll be in the
heart of the action.Copy !req
357. The forecast for my
hot, hot, hot!Copy !req
358. I am so excited!Copy !req
359. They said I was just
a flash in the pan.Copy !req
360. Well, now I am in the pan, sug.Copy !req
361. I am in the pan!Copy !req
362. People might lose their homes,
but you will get your job back.Copy !req
363. At least something
good will come out of this.Copy !req
364. It's like smoking
every cigaretteCopy !req
365. I've ever smoked all at once.Copy !req
366. Smooth.Copy !req
367. Oh, will you look:Copy !req
368. that eagle is carrying that
rabbit out of harm's way.Copy !req
369. Disaster brings out
the best in everyone.Copy !req
370. Come on. Let's get broadcasting.Copy !req
371. Oh, my God, that tree's on fire!Copy !req
372. Nancy, go.Copy !req
373. Go stand in front of it!Copy !req
374. You're on!Copy !req
375. No, this is not a
home movie in hell.Copy !req
376. This is Nancy
Hicks-Gribble reporting liveCopy !req
377. from the scene of
the Heimlich wildfire.Copy !req
378. Tonight's forecast
is for mid-70sCopy !req
379. in the tri-county areaCopy !req
380. and the high 250s near
here in the heart of the blaze.Copy !req
381. The fire is being fueled
by extraordinarily...Copy !req
382. What's Nancy doing out there?Copy !req
383. As you can see behind me...Copy !req
384. As well as in front of
me, and on either side...Copy !req
385. What once was mere
heat is now actual fire.Copy !req
386. Oh, oh, oh...Copy !req
387. As our more observant
viewers can probably hear,Copy !req
388. I'm having trouble
breathing with all the smoke.Copy !req
389. My tongue has dried out and
is starting to stick to my teeth.Copy !req
390. Either my eye or my
eyepiece is melting!Copy !req
391. Well, that's probably
Mother Nature's wayCopy !req
392. of giving us the
wrap-it-up sign.Copy !req
393. This has been
Nancy Hicks-Gribble...Copy !req
394. No! No, not "has
been"... "still is"!Copy !req
395. Keep going, Nancy!Copy !req
396. We need our money shot!Copy !req
397. There's your money shot.Copy !req
398. Happy?Copy !req
399. Okay, let's get to the van.Copy !req
400. But we have to
keep rolling, people!Copy !req
401. How do we getCopy !req
402. this on there...Copy !req
403. and that off there?Copy !req
404. We interrupt our Wildfire
Watch coverage to bring you...Copy !req
405. Really? I thought
she was at home.Copy !req
406. To put it in layman's terms,Copy !req
407. imagine crawling
in your own fireplaceCopy !req
408. while it's burning.Copy !req
409. I want to see this footageCopy !req
410. on every promo from nowCopy !req
411. until the Christmas toy drive.Copy !req
412. And someone probably should
tell the fire department about them.Copy !req
413. Nancy,Copy !req
414. the van's on fire!Copy !req
415. Oh, my gosh!Copy !req
416. Show it...Copy !req
417. show it...Copy !req
418. Yes!Copy !req
419. Got dang it!Copy !req
420. How'd we lose them?Copy !req
421. The van exploded.Copy !req
422. I could drive
another van up there!Copy !req
423. We already have another
van in the media area.Copy !req
424. Uplink it! I want to be
seeing fire, not hearing you.Copy !req
425. The fire's everywhere, sug!Copy !req
426. We're never gonna get out!Copy !req
427. Oh, God!Copy !req
428. Baby, I always hoped
we'd die together.Copy !req
429. Peggy,Copy !req
430. you go die over there.Copy !req
431. I don't want to die!Copy !req
432. I just want to read the weather.Copy !req
433. Don't be silly.Copy !req
434. We can't die if we're on TV.Copy !req
435. They'd never air it!Copy !req
436. I don't care anymore!Copy !req
437. I'm scared!Copy !req
438. And I don't want to go to heavenCopy !req
439. with brown roots!Copy !req
440. We've got picture!Copy !req
441. Gimme five?Copy !req
442. The Arlen and McMaynerbury
Fire DepartmentsCopy !req
443. report that during the
containment of the blaze,Copy !req
444. several horses in the areaCopy !req
445. had to be airlifted out.Copy !req
446. In a related story,Copy !req
447. so did our own
Nancy Hicks-Gribble...Copy !req
448. Now, son, you can't keep
scaring people like this.Copy !req
449. Pretty soon you'll
be too big to squeezeCopy !req
450. into the ductwork.Copy !req
451. Bwaagh!Copy !req
452. So are you gonna
stop scaring my boy?Copy !req
453. 'Cause I've got a wife who
likes to hide and yell, too.Copy !req
454. Well, I'm glad you
learned your lesson, Jimmy.Copy !req
455. Oh, crap.Copy !req
456. Where'd he go?Copy !req
457. I wanna die.Copy !req
458. I just wanna read the weather.Copy !req
459. You steal a news van.Copy !req
460. A bunch of equipment.Copy !req
461. And destroy it all.Copy !req
462. I feel so stupid.Copy !req
463. I wish I was in that
van when it exploded.Copy !req
464. Are you kidding? You put
Channel 84 on the map.Copy !req
465. We've got more requestsCopy !req
466. for that footage
of you blubberingCopy !req
467. than of that panda
baby at the zoo.Copy !req
468. Really?Copy !req
469. I want to reposition
Nancy Hicks-GribbleCopy !req
470. as an integral part of
the Channel 84 team.Copy !req
471. So, I'm back on weather?Copy !req
472. No.Copy !req
473. It turns out people
really do careCopy !req
474. about accurate weather.Copy !req
475. Irv's not gonna go anywhere,Copy !req
476. but people did respond to you...Copy !req
477. What's left for me to do?Copy !req
478. I dunno. News?Copy !req
479. So it looks like
the Arlen JayceesCopy !req
480. are going to be having that
potato-sack race indoors.Copy !req
481. Now, I'd like to welcome a
new addition to the anchor desk,Copy !req
482. but it's a face
you already know.Copy !req
483. Say hello to our new
co-anchor, Nancy Hicks-Gribble.Copy !req
484. Thanks, Irv.Copy !req
485. It's great to be a
part of the team, sug.Copy !req
486. Have you been
feeling itchy lately?Copy !req
487. We may have the reason why.Copy !req
488. It has nothing to do
with the Barbecue HutCopy !req
489. off I-10. Delicious.Copy !req
490. Peggy you go die over there.Copy !req