1. I can't believe another Heimlich County
Pork Festival's almost here.Copy !req
2. This year we're gonna have to getCopy !req
3. Bill's cholesterol tested every hour.Copy !req
4. Just remember to keep your fingersCopy !req
5. away from my mouth.Copy !req
6. Once I'm in the zone,
I can't tell the difference.Copy !req
7. Hey, it's seven after the hour.Copy !req
8. Let's see what kind of weather
my Nancy's predicting.Copy !req
9. Even an inch tall and ashen gray,
she's beautiful.Copy !req
10. The weather's gonna be sunny and clear,
not a chance of drizzle,Copy !req
11. so come on down
and watch those pigs sizzle.Copy !req
12. I'll be there to sign autographsCopy !req
13. outside the Hall of Ham Presidents.Copy !req
14. All right!Copy !req
15. I love James K. Pork.Copy !req
16. Thanks for your help, Peggy,Copy !req
17. but try not to sign across my face.Copy !req
18. Oh, and don't sign
across my cleavage either.Copy !req
19. Or, as one of my fans calls it,
my warm fronts.Copy !req
20. Oops.Copy !req
21. I must be getting tired.Copy !req
22. I signed this one "Peggy Hill" by mistake.Copy !req
23. Well, no matter,
now it's a collector's item.Copy !req
24. Can't stop yet, shug.Copy !req
25. The weather outlook is so sunny,Copy !req
26. we could be talking
demolition derby-size crowds.Copy !req
27. Did you realize I make your B's
just like a serial killer?Copy !req
28. Well, this ruins my water cooler talk
for Monday.Copy !req
29. And Tuesday.Copy !req
30. Delayed for wind?Copy !req
31. Sure, it's a little breezy,
but it's not that bad.Copy !req
32. Whoa!Copy !req
33. Nancy, fans!Copy !req
34. I look forward
to the Pork Festival all yearCopy !req
35. and your weather ruined it!Copy !req
36. Can you accurately predict
what my finger's gonna do?Copy !req
37. It's not my fault I got the weather wrong.Copy !req
38. I just read it off the teleprompter.Copy !req
39. My job is to pronounce it, not predict it.Copy !req
40. Oh, don't feel so bad.Copy !req
41. You know what they say
about the weather in Texas…Copy !req
42. if you don't like it,
just wait five minutes.Copy !req
43. Sometimes it takes ten.Copy !req
44. Maybe we should go.Copy !req
45. We're square dancing in PE today.Copy !req
46. I'm do-si-do-ing with you, Cherise!Copy !req
47. You thought he was a dog.Copy !req
48. Oh, god, what a horrible day.Copy !req
49. At least it looks like you got
a nice new pair of boots.Copy !req
50. Thanks for noticing.Copy !req
51. Oh, can you ask me where I got them
from when we're on the air, shug?Copy !req
52. That way they're free.Copy !req
53. Understood.Copy !req
54. I get a free dinner every time
I mention the Barbecue Hut.Copy !req
55. Damn it, Nancy.Copy !req
56. People are really ticked off
about your forecast.Copy !req
57. Our phones are ringing off the hook.Copy !req
58. What am I supposed to do?Copy !req
59. The only equipment I have is a thermometerCopy !req
60. and a little glass skunkCopy !req
61. whose tail turns blue when it's humid.Copy !req
62. I know, I know.Copy !req
63. Wait, what about the Super Doppler
we're always advertising?Copy !req
64. We don't really have one.Copy !req
65. We just wrote "Doppler"
on the air conditioning unit on the roof.Copy !req
66. Channel 4's got one.Copy !req
67. Televiso's got one.Copy !req
68. Well, we got to do something.Copy !req
69. The FCC's cracking down on everyone.Copy !req
70. They won't let us keep calling
it AccuWeatherCopy !req
71. if you keep getting it wrong.Copy !req
72. Well, then get me a Doppler
or whatever can predict the weather betterCopy !req
73. so I don't look like
a jackass again, shug!Copy !req
74. Hi, Bobby.Copy !req
75. What's the matter with you?Copy !req
76. It's Jimmy Bearden!Copy !req
77. I made eye contact with him one day,Copy !req
78. and ever since he's been out to get me.Copy !req
79. Do you hear the barking?Copy !req
80. It's all around us.Copy !req
81. Are the puffy clouds good or bad?Copy !req
82. Check it out, Nancy.Copy !req
83. Doppler radar. NWS link.Copy !req
84. Graphics computers. The works.Copy !req
85. Channel 84 is in the 21st century
of weather forecasting.Copy !req
86. Oh, thank God.Copy !req
87. Forecast for Arlen, please.Copy !req
88. Don't worry about how any
of this stuff works, Nancy.Copy !req
89. That's what Irv's here for.Copy !req
90. Meet Irv Bennett.Copy !req
91. Fresh from Texas Tech's
Meteorological School.Copy !req
92. Great to meet you, Ms. Hicks-Gribble.Copy !req
93. I know this is kind of lame,Copy !req
94. but I have a printout of that tornado
that moved through hereCopy !req
95. in August of 2001.Copy !req
96. Could you sign it?Copy !req
97. Whatever, shug.Copy !req
98. I'm just glad I finally have someone
to do my science for me.Copy !req
99. Oh, and to answer my phone.Copy !req
100. Can you always say,
"I'll see if she's available"Copy !req
101. even when I am available.Copy !req
102. Can do.Copy !req
103. Uh, whoa, Irv,
you don't have time for that.Copy !req
104. Uh, sure he does.Copy !req
105. Don't let it get to five rings
or the voicemail will pick up.Copy !req
106. Just move it. You've got to get
into makeup for the five o'clock report.Copy !req
107. I'm on it.Copy !req
108. Makeup?Copy !req
109. Oh, don't worry, Tom.Copy !req
110. I'll make sure I don't walk so far
that he gets in the shot.Copy !req
111. Nancy, uh…Copy !req
112. Irv's gonna be doing
the weather from now on.Copy !req
113. What?Copy !req
114. Am I being fired?Copy !req
115. Now? Uh, no. We're a family.Copy !req
116. I'm sure we'll find something for you.Copy !req
117. But the thing is,
viewers don't wanna be entertainedCopy !req
118. by a "weather girl" anymore.Copy !req
119. They… they want meteorologistsCopy !req
120. who, who understand weatherCopy !req
121. and can update them immediately.Copy !req
122. But… but what about me?Copy !req
123. Hey, why don't you man the weather phone?Copy !req
124. But everybody knows the weather phone's
just the fax machine.Copy !req
125. You combine that split-level jet streamCopy !req
126. with a high pressure system
swooping down from Canada,Copy !req
127. and you've got classic tornado weatherCopy !req
128. and possible wildfire conditions.Copy !req
129. I'll be tracking the developments
and keep you posted.Copy !req
130. Weather can be tracked?Copy !req
131. He's good.Copy !req
132. There are parts of this forest
that haven't seen rain…Copy !req
133. Wow, zero percent chance
of charm or what, huh?Copy !req
134. How could we be defeated
by a man named Irv?Copy !req
135. Oh, would you calm down?Copy !req
136. Nancy, you may look like a Southern belle,Copy !req
137. but deep inside you are pure Rottweiler.Copy !req
138. Think of how many lives
you ruined in high school.Copy !req
139. Heck, I've seen you break up
entire baby showersCopy !req
140. with one catty remark.Copy !req
141. You're right.Copy !req
142. Irv's not gonna know what hit him.Copy !req
143. Steak's on.Copy !req
144. Bobby, what in the heck is wrong with you?Copy !req
145. Sorry, Dad.Copy !req
146. I'm just a little on edge
because of this bully at school.Copy !req
147. Well, what's he doing to you?Copy !req
148. Indian burns? Towel snaps?Copy !req
149. Those are the ones
you got to be careful of.Copy !req
150. No, he's jumping out and scaring me.Copy !req
151. Well, how's he doing that?Copy !req
152. Is he big for his age?Copy !req
153. Or does he have some of those
Chinese fighting sticks?Copy !req
154. No. He jumps out and makes a weird noise.Copy !req
155. Oh…Copy !req
156. Well, we're not going
to the principal on this one.Copy !req
157. Okay, we've been through this before.Copy !req
158. You need to fake with your right
and jab him with your left.Copy !req
159. Come on. Try it.Copy !req
160. Why don't you find his schedule
and try to stay away from him?Copy !req
161. Hey, there, Irv-y Derv.Copy !req
162. So you must have some wild storiesCopy !req
163. about your days at Texas Tech.Copy !req
164. Ever have a few drinks,Copy !req
165. start roughhousing
with some of your frat brothers?Copy !req
166. Maybe in the shower…Copy !req
167. and things got a little out of hand?Copy !req
168. You remember when
that arctic air blast came through?Copy !req
169. You know, the one that had
all that heavy backlash precip behind it?Copy !req
170. Well, me and my buddies stood
outside all night longCopy !req
171. to understand what seven degrees
Fahrenheit felt like.Copy !req
172. I mean, sure,Copy !req
173. we could've just found
some walk-in freezer,Copy !req
174. but it's not the same.Copy !req
175. It must be nerve-wracking going on air
for the first time.Copy !req
176. Do you ever get scaredCopy !req
177. that you will freeze up on cameraCopy !req
178. and just stand there with nothing to say?Copy !req
179. Oh, there's always something to say
about the weather around here.Copy !req
180. Tornadoes, cyclones, floods,Copy !req
181. heatwaves, of course,Copy !req
182. not to mention hurricanes.Copy !req
183. Show time, Irv.Copy !req
184. All right!Copy !req
185. Oh, my god, your nose is huge.Copy !req
186. I do have a honker, don't I?Copy !req
187. You sure do.Copy !req
188. And the camera adds ten pounds,Copy !req
189. but I'm sure it won't all go to your nose.Copy !req
190. Whoo, it's gonna be
a hot one today, folks.Copy !req
191. So find some shade wherever you can.Copy !req
192. Hey, I bet my nose
could shade most of South Arlen.Copy !req
193. You might wanna back up camera one
'cause I'm about to turn here.Copy !req
194. I bet I'm a rhinoplastician's dream.Copy !req
195. Don't you mean rhinoceros?Copy !req
196. I mean rhinoplastician.Copy !req
197. You know… rhinoplasty?Copy !req
198. By a plastic surgeon?Copy !req
199. But with this nose,Copy !req
200. I'm probably a rhinoceros's dream, too.Copy !req
201. Good one.Copy !req
202. Give me five, Miguel.Copy !req
203. Huh… I never really knew what they meantCopy !req
204. when they said mild weather,Copy !req
205. but dang if it doesn't feel mild out here.Copy !req
206. Damn that Irv Bennett.Copy !req
207. It's like he makes the weather.Copy !req
208. Him and those damn machines of his.Copy !req
209. This guy's got to go.Copy !req
210. If he keeps this up,
they're gonna fire Nancy.Copy !req
211. If they fire Nancy,Copy !req
212. she won't be able to keep paying meCopy !req
213. to sit around the house and do nothing.Copy !req
214. You know, Dale, you could help outCopy !req
215. by cutting down on your expenses.Copy !req
216. Maybe instead of buying more guns,Copy !req
217. you can enjoy the ones you have.Copy !req
218. Or maybe I could just help Nancy
get rid of this guy.Copy !req
219. It's time to give him a scareCopy !req
220. like so many possums have given me.Copy !req
221. Last night I watched the newsCopy !req
222. and pretended Irv and I were talking.Copy !req
223. He'd say, "How 'bout that weather?"Copy !req
224. and I'd say, "It's fine, Irv.Copy !req
225. Would you like some Swiss Miss pudding?"Copy !req
226. Iss-ton-bowl.Copy !req
227. Ees-tin-ball.Copy !req
228. Today the mayor of Ees-ton-bowl…Copy !req
229. Irv Bennett's desk.Copy !req
230. Get out, weather man!Copy !req
231. A pain front is coming!Copy !req
232. Leave town!Copy !req
233. - Dale?
- Nancy?Copy !req
234. What are you doing, Dale?Copy !req
235. Getting rid of Irv for you.Copy !req
236. Could you leave a message I called?Copy !req
237. Not me, but "me"!Copy !req
238. Attention, everybody. Irv just informed meCopy !req
239. we've got a wildfire!Copy !req
240. Now, listen up.Copy !req
241. I want us ready to go
to news team coverageCopy !req
242. as soon as this Seinfeld ends!Copy !req
243. Miguel, you'll lead and throw to Irv,
who'll be here in the studio.Copy !req
244. We need all hands on this one, people!Copy !req
245. Where do you want me?Copy !req
246. Uh, you can head home.Copy !req
247. We might need to use your deskCopy !req
248. in case the cameramen need
to sleep in shifts.Copy !req
249. Are those the pants you went to school in?Copy !req
250. No, Dad.Copy !req
251. Jimmy Bearden scared me,
and I peed myself,Copy !req
252. so they gave me "lost and found" pants.Copy !req
253. Are you happy?Copy !req
254. No. What happened?Copy !req
255. You know that little conveyor belt
in the cafeteriaCopy !req
256. that takes your tray?Copy !req
257. He was on it!Copy !req
258. Get in the truck, Bobby.Copy !req
259. We're gonna fix your problem for good.Copy !req
260. Oh…Copy !req
261. Go change your pants, son.Copy !req
262. And now Action NewsCopy !req
263. from Channel 84's news team.Copy !req
264. Miguel Hernandez,Copy !req
265. Don Ringle with sports,Copy !req
266. and meteorologist Irv BennettCopy !req
267. with the latest on the wildfires.Copy !req
268. Oh, you call that a turnaround?Copy !req
269. Tell me, can that compare to this?Copy !req
270. Wow.Copy !req
271. That is almost too powerful in person.Copy !req
272. Oh, thanks, shug,Copy !req
273. but I know I'm finished as a weather gal.Copy !req
274. I don't even know
if I want to work in an industryCopy !req
275. that values brains over beauty.Copy !req
276. So you're just gonna give up?Copy !req
277. That's not the Nancy I know.Copy !req
278. When are you gonna learnCopy !req
279. that the real Doppler is in here?Copy !req
280. And that if you wanna keep your job,Copy !req
281. you're gonna have to do
everything in your powerCopy !req
282. to fight for it.Copy !req
283. What do you mean? Kill Irv?Copy !req
284. No! Use the fire.Copy !req
285. - To kill Irv?
- No!Copy !req
286. Nancy, you cannot wait for them
to bring the news to you.Copy !req
287. You have to go out and find it.Copy !req
288. We'll go cover the fire
and force the station to seeCopy !req
289. how much of an asset you are.Copy !req
290. Yeah.Copy !req
291. Dale! Get out of the hot tub!Copy !req
292. We're stealing a news van!Copy !req
293. It's the perfect crime!Copy !req
294. How will they ever report it?Copy !req
295. The thing is, Mr. Bearden,Copy !req
296. your son has left Bobby here,Copy !req
297. uh, severely startled
on several occasions.Copy !req
298. Where is Jimmy anyway?Copy !req
299. You didn't see him outside?Copy !req
300. He said he was going outside!Copy !req
301. I'm sorry, Mr. Hill.
He does the same thing to me.Copy !req
302. I can't help you.Copy !req
303. Okay, it looks like you've got
a straight shot to your truck.Copy !req
304. Watch out when you pass
that mailbox, though.Copy !req
305. That kid can wedge himself into anything.Copy !req
306. Gotcha!Copy !req
307. Okay. If we get stopped,Copy !req
308. Nancy, you work here,Copy !req
309. I'm looking for directions,Copy !req
310. and, Peggy, you're my shy assistant
with a speech impediment.Copy !req
311. Go!Copy !req
312. The scene here
is one of controlled frenzy.Copy !req
313. Hola, senor.Copy !req
314. I am Miguel Hernandez,
here to cover el fuego des wild.Copy !req
315. Perfect.Copy !req
316. Well, you know the drill.Copy !req
317. Stay in the media area.Copy !req
318. Oh, forget it, shugs.Copy !req
319. Everyone's already here.Copy !req
320. And Lucy Murphy from Channel 7Copy !req
321. is wearing the same jacket I am.Copy !req
322. What am I gonna get that they won't?Copy !req
323. You cannot give up now.Copy !req
324. We already stole a van.Copy !req
325. We have got more initiative.Copy !req
326. We are better than these sheep!Copy !req
327. Yeah, you can barely see
the fire from here.Copy !req
328. Let's go where you can
hardly see here from the fire!Copy !req
329. Oh, there's an access road.Copy !req
330. Drive up it real casual-like.Copy !req
331. Got ya.Copy !req
332. Oh, while those chumps
are down there looking at smoke,Copy !req
333. we'll be in the heart of the action.Copy !req
334. The forecast for my career…
hot, hot, hot!Copy !req
335. - You said it!
- Whoo-hoo!Copy !req
336. Whoo!Copy !req
337. I am so excited!Copy !req
338. They said I was just a flash in the pan.Copy !req
339. Well, now I am in the pan, shug.Copy !req
340. I am in the pan!Copy !req
341. People might lose their homes,
but you will get your job back.Copy !req
342. At least something good
will come out of this.Copy !req
343. It's like smoking every cigaretteCopy !req
344. I've ever smoked all at once.Copy !req
345. And it's smooth.Copy !req
346. Oh, will you look?Copy !req
347. That eagle is carrying
that rabbit out of harm's way.Copy !req
348. Disaster brings out the best in everyone.Copy !req
349. Come on. Let's get broadcasting.Copy !req
350. Oh, my god! That tree's on fire!Copy !req
351. Nancy, go! Go stand in front of it!Copy !req
352. You're on!Copy !req
353. No, this is not a home movie in hell.Copy !req
354. This is Nancy Hicks-Gribble reporting liveCopy !req
355. from the scene of the Heimlich wildfire.Copy !req
356. Tonight's forecast is for the mid-70sCopy !req
357. in the tri-county areaCopy !req
358. and the high 250s near here
in the heart of the blaze.Copy !req
359. The fire is being fueled
by extraordinarily dry conditions.Copy !req
360. In fact, there are parts of this forest
that haven't seen…Copy !req
361. What's Nancy doing out there?Copy !req
362. As you can see behind me…Copy !req
363. as well as in front of me,
and on either side,Copy !req
364. what once was mere heat
is now actual fire.Copy !req
365. Oh, oh, oh…Copy !req
366. As our more observant viewers
can probably hear,Copy !req
367. I'm having trouble breathing
with all the smoke.Copy !req
368. And my tongue has dried out.Copy !req
369. It's starting to stick to my teeth.Copy !req
370. Either my eye or my eyepiece is melting!Copy !req
371. Oh, well, that's probably
Mother Nature's wayCopy !req
372. of giving us the wrap-it-up sign.Copy !req
373. This has been Nancy Hicks-Gribble…Copy !req
374. No! No, not "has been,"still is"!Copy !req
375. Keep going, Nancy!Copy !req
376. We need our money shot!Copy !req
377. There's your money shot. Happy?Copy !req
378. Okay, let's get to the van.Copy !req
379. But we have to keep rolling, people!Copy !req
380. How do we get this on there?Copy !req
381. And that off there?Copy !req
382. We interrupt our Wildfire Watch coverage
to bring you…Copy !req
383. Really? I thought she was at home.Copy !req
384. To put it in layman's terms,Copy !req
385. imagine crawling in your own fireplaceCopy !req
386. while it's burning.Copy !req
387. I wanna see this footage
on every promo from nowCopy !req
388. until the Christmas toy drive.Copy !req
389. And someone probably should tell
the fire department about them.Copy !req
390. Nancy,Copy !req
391. the van's on fire!Copy !req
392. Oh, my gosh!Copy !req
393. Show it…Copy !req
394. Show it…Copy !req
395. Yes!Copy !req
396. - Whoo!
- All right!Copy !req
397. Goddangit!Copy !req
398. How'd we lose them?Copy !req
399. The van exploded.Copy !req
400. I… I could drive another van up there!Copy !req
401. We already have another van
in the media area.Copy !req
402. Uplink it! I wanna be seeing fire,
not hearing you.Copy !req
403. The fire's everywhere, shug!Copy !req
404. We're never gonna get out!Copy !req
405. Oh, god!Copy !req
406. Baby, I always hoped we'd die together.Copy !req
407. Peggy, you go die over there.Copy !req
408. I don't wanna die!Copy !req
409. I just wanna read the weather!Copy !req
410. Oh, don't be silly.Copy !req
411. We can't die if we're on TV.Copy !req
412. They'd never air it!Copy !req
413. I don't care anymore!Copy !req
414. I'm scared!Copy !req
415. And I don't wanna go to heaven
with brown roots!Copy !req
416. We've got picture!Copy !req
417. Whoa! Gimme five.Copy !req
418. - Gimme five?
- Get me out of here.Copy !req
419. The Arlen and McMaynerbury
Fire Departments reportCopy !req
420. that during the containment of the blaze,Copy !req
421. several horses in the area…Copy !req
422. - had to be airlifted out.
- All right!Copy !req
423. In a related story,Copy !req
424. so did our ownNancy Hicks-Gribble.Copy !req
425. Now, son, you can't keep
scaring people like this.Copy !req
426. Pretty soon you'll be too big
to squeeze into the ductwork.Copy !req
427. Bwaagh!Copy !req
428. So are you gonna stop scaring my boy?Copy !req
429. 'Cause I've got a wife
who likes to hide and yell, too.Copy !req
430. Well, I'm glad
you learned your lesson, Jimmy.Copy !req
431. Oh, crap.Copy !req
432. Where'd he go?Copy !req
433. I don't wanna die.Copy !req
434. I just wanna read the weather.Copy !req
435. You steal a news van,Copy !req
436. a bunch of equipment,Copy !req
437. and destroy it all.Copy !req
438. I feel so stupid.Copy !req
439. I wish I was in that van when it exploded.Copy !req
440. Are you kidding?
You put Channel 84 on the map.Copy !req
441. We've got more requests
for that footage of you blubberingCopy !req
442. - than of that panda baby at the zoo.
- Really?Copy !req
443. I wanna reposition Nancy Hicks-GribbleCopy !req
444. as an integral part
of the Channel 84 team.Copy !req
445. - So, I'm back on weather?
- No.Copy !req
446. Uh, it turns out people really do care
about accurate weather.Copy !req
447. Irv's not gonna go anywhere,Copy !req
448. but people did respond to you.Copy !req
449. What's left for me to do?Copy !req
450. I don't know. News?Copy !req
451. So it looks like the Arlen JayceesCopy !req
452. are gonna be having
that potato-sack race indoors.Copy !req
453. Now, I'd like to welcome
a new addition to the anchor desk,Copy !req
454. but it's a face you already know.Copy !req
455. Say hello to our new co-anchor,
Nancy Hicks-Gribble.Copy !req
456. Thanks, Irv.Copy !req
457. It's great to be a part of the team, shug.Copy !req
458. Have you been feeling itchy lately?Copy !req
459. We may have the reason why.Copy !req
460. It has nothing to do
with the Barbecue Hut off I-10.Copy !req
461. Delicious.Copy !req
462. Peggy, you go dieover there.Copy !req