1. Sometimes the world
is cruel to shiny things.
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2. There's something
wrong with this machine.
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3. Step back and
I'll hit it for you.
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4. Aw, baby girl,
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5. there ain't nothing
wrong with the machine.
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6. It says you ain't
got no more in there.
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7. It barely looked.
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8. I know... I'll get another cash
advance on my credit card!
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9. Good idea.
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10. If I'd never gotten an
advance on my credit card,
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11. I never woulda gone to the
Costco to buy a 78-inch TV,
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12. never woulda slipped in pee pee,
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13. never woulda got
my settlement money.
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14. Scary to think about the
road not traveled, huh?
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15. Excuse me, Uncle Hank.
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16. Can you please loan me $257?
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17. No.
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18. I need it for my car loan,
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19. which you cosigned
in the first place.
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20. You're saying that
like it's my fault.
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21. Well...
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22. Luanne, I don't understand.
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23. You are working
full-time at the barbershop.
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24. Where is the money going?
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25. I don't know. Things?
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26. Let me see your
credit card statement.
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27. Oh, my God, you've been
taking cash advances?
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28. Luanne, the interest they charge
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29. is so high, you can never
crawl out from under it.
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30. You keep spending like this,
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31. and someday you'll be a
poor, hungry old woman
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32. who can't afford
a retirement home.
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33. Then where'll you be?
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34. I don't want to think about it.
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35. The street.
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36. Help.
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37. Okay, let's see
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38. where we can start
saving you some money.
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39. $180 on a dress?
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40. Well, this is easy. From now on,
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41. you'll be buying your
clothes at the Dress Barrel.
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42. Please, Hank, you
are out of your element.
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43. We are talking about how
to manage the expenses
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44. of a young, stylish woman.
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45. But I'm the cosigner
on that loan of hers.
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46. I will take care of it, Hank.
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47. Luanne scares easily.
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48. That plays into my strengths.
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49. Luanne, this pie
chart represents
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50. your expenses...
Food, gas, clothes.
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51. And this great big piece of pie
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52. is credit card debt.
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53. I'll never be able to eat it!
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54. That is why you are
going to get a second job.
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55. Here are the help wanted ads.
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56. Now go to it.
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57. I expect to see jobs circled
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58. and numbers written down.
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59. Oh, and if you come across
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60. any ironic deaths
in the Obits, clip 'em.
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61. You know... piano tuner hit
by falling piano, things like that.
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62. What are you doing?
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63. I need to get another job,
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64. 'cause Aunt Peggy says I
have to be more responsible.
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65. Mom's into
responsibility now, too?
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66. Plumber... nurse's aide...
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67. All these jobs are racist
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68. against people
who don't have skills.
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69. Hey, how about this one?
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70. Night work available
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71. for outgoing, attractive girls
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72. who like to make big dollars
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73. and have a good time.
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74. That's me!
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75. Peggy's got to show Luanne
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76. that you only use credit cards
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77. in an emergency,
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78. not for toe rings
and body glitter.
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79. Frivolous. Just frivolous.
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80. Exactly.
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81. Credit cards are a last resort,
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82. after cash, check, plasma,
urine and alien urine.
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83. Sure, there's bone marrow,
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84. but that is more prudently
used as a retirement vehicle.
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85. Or so says Lou Dobbs.
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86. 80-year-old hypnotist
dies in her sleep.
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87. How could Luanne miss this?
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88. Bobby, do you know
anything about this?
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89. That's Luanne's new job.
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90. Don't tie up the
phone; I'm a reference.
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91. Luanne, stop!
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92. You didn't audition for
anything yet, did you?
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93. No.
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94. Oh, my God.
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95. What kind of twisted perversion
have they trapped you into?
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96. I'm a Roller Derby skater!
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97. Roller Derby?
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98. But wait, Luanne, how
is that a second job?
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99. We make $500 a game.
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100. Really?
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101. You ready, Luanne?
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102. Pratley... what are
you doing here?
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103. I thought you sold Hyundais.
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104. I sell "fun."
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105. Doesn't matter if it's a
fully-loaded Hyundai Excel,
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106. or the finest Roller
Derby team in Arlen.
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107. And I'd like to see you in both.
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108. Who are those women?
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109. That's Gruesome Gretta.
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110. She's the big one.
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111. There's Carly and Felicia,
they're dancers together.
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112. That was Nureen.
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113. Nureen really likes children.
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114. Well, at least I think she does,
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115. because she has
a whole lot of them.
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116. Cheap shot, Gretta!
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117. Aunt Peggy, I'll save you!
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118. No, you won't!
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119. Do you have size 16 skates?
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120. Lots of 'em.
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121. Bobby, I know
"skateboarding isn't a crime,"
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122. but it is in my driveway.
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123. Luanne? Peggy?
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124. Not Luanne and Peggy...
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125. Gold Dust and the Executionator!
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126. Dang it, Peggy, how is this
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127. teaching Luanne
about responsibility?
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128. D-Don't roll around
while I'm talking to you.
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129. By putting on these skates,
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130. I am putting Luanne
on solid footing.
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131. After playing the Maulers
next week, she'll make enough
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132. to pay down her
credit card debt.
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133. After taking on the Destroyers,
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134. she will catch up
on her car payments.
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135. And after beating the tar
out of those Poisonettes,
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136. she will make a deposit into
an interest-bearing account!
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137. You just want to smash
into people, don't you?
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138. You know, Hank, the money I make
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139. could go towards
buying that patio furniture
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140. you've had your eye on.
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141. The Gatsby Collection?
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142. Yep.
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143. And I like to smash into people.
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144. After we get paid, I'm
going to get my car painted
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145. in our team colors,
so I'm all matchy.
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146. You will do no such thing.
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147. Your Uncle Hank is
on board by a thread.
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148. I appeased him with some
fancy patio furniture talk,
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149. but if we screw this up,
he'll still give us that look.
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150. I hate that look.
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151. We all do.
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152. Now tape these rolls
of pennies to my elbows.
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153. This sport is entirely fixed.
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154. There's a giant
magnet beneath the rink
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155. that controls their
every movement.
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156. That woman is perfect.
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157. She's beautiful and
could be a father figure.
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158. Hey, Lucky. Want a corn chip?
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159. No, sir. This ol' boy
won't eat a corn chip
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160. out of a bag no more.
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161. See, I used to make 'em...
Had a hair net and everything.
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162. You ain't tasted nothing
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163. till you've tasted a corn
chip right off the line.
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164. Oh, someday I
would like to try that.
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165. I'm gonna help you run
down that dream, Bobby.
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166. How am I going
to get through 'em?
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167. By following these!
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168. Woo-hoo! Nice score!
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169. Score? Someone scored?
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170. Heck yeah. Aunt Peggy did.
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171. Aunt Peggy? Yeah,
she knocked out
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172. their blockers so Luanne
could scoot past their jammer.
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173. I'm so confused.
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174. See, your blockers stop
the other team's jammers.
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175. The pivots can block,
jam, or counter jam.
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176. Only the pivot or
jammer can score.
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177. But how do they score?
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178. No one really knows.
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179. I like that new girl
on your team, Pratley.
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180. She's gonna be
good for the gate.
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181. Yeah, and "Glasses"
over there looks like
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182. she can knock a few heads.
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183. I'll get some toilet paper
printed up with her face on it...
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184. We'll fill the place when
you play my team next week.
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185. Whoo-hoo-hoo!
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186. We won the game... or match...
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187. or whatever it's called!
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188. Knocky knocky.
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189. I hope you're decent.
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190. Oh, you are.
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191. Payday.
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192. Oh!
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193. Our paychecks! Yay!
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194. Oh, it only says $90.
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195. It should be for 500.
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196. Well, it is 500... uh,
minus operating expenses.
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197. I gotta deduct for things like
water, tissue and bandages.
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198. And lip, if I hear
any more of it.
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199. He's got no right to do that.
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200. Why do you women
take that from him?
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201. It's the way it's always been.
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202. The longer we sit
here and jaw about it,
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203. the more he's gonna charge
us to keep the lights on.
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204. This is the smallest check
for $500 I have ever gotten.
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205. Oh, I feel so used!
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206. Hey, that was some
match last night.
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207. Shall we celebrate now and
buy a piece of patio furniture
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208. or wait and get
the whole grouping
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209. at the end of the month?
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210. I say we delay gratification.
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211. Well, I do like
delaying gratification...
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212. Done!
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213. How are we going to buy
Uncle Hank patio furniture
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214. when Lane Pratley barely
gives us any money?
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215. You do not know it, Luanne,
but you just had an idea.
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216. Really?
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217. Ladies, what I am about to
tell you will make you rich.
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218. How? We will buy a Roller
Derby team of our own.
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219. Haw.
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220. I'm gonna make you
eat that word, Gretta.
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221. We will get rid of the owners,
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222. and the players will take over.
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223. We will do everything right!
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224. It would sure be nice to have
some money for child care.
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225. Mm-hmm. I wouldn't mind
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226. a strengthening and
conditioning coach,
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227. and Carly would like
a decent boom box
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228. for psyche-up music.
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229. It's part of her process.
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230. Ladies, we will be able to have
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231. all those things and more.
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232. All we need is
faith in ourselves
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233. and a thousand dollars each.
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234. A thousand
dollars sure is a lot.
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235. Are you sure we're going
to get that money back?
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236. I guarantee it.
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237. In fact, I have a
pie chart to prove it.
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238. Aunt Peggy, where are
we going to get our share?
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239. From the bank.
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240. Banks loan out money every day.
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241. Why shouldn't
they loan it to us?
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242. I envy you, Bobby.
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243. Eating a chip off the line
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244. is one of those experiences
that changes your life.
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245. Birds fly a little slower,
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246. and pretty girls
smile a little longer.
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247. It's like the whole
world moves just for you.
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248. All that from
eating a corn chip?
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249. Off the line, yes.
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250. We're here to eat
a chip off the line.
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251. Sir, this factory isn't
open to the public.
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252. No, it's okay.
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253. I used to work at one
of these down in Waco.
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254. Move it along, please.
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255. Don't worry, Bobby,
I'll think of something.
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256. But where are we going?
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257. Home. Thinking takes time.
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258. If they don't want customers
to wear skates inside,
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259. they should have a sign.
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260. All the money places
turned us down.
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261. Even the drive-through ones.
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262. What are we gonna do now?
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263. We are gonna go
over their heads.
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264. Are you sure you want to get
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265. a cash advance, Aunt Peggy?
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266. Because when I did, it
was really irresponsible.
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267. That is because you were
living beyond your means.
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268. I am borrowing as a
business investment.
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269. But the interest!
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270. The horrible interest!
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271. Well, it is no matter to us,
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272. because we will
be paying this off
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273. before the end of the
month with our profits.
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274. It's perfect.
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275. Even so, let's not mention
it to your Uncle Hank.
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276. There's my team.
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277. 30 minutes late.
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278. 'Course, I'll have to round up
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279. and fine you for the whole hour.
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280. It's easier on the computer.
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281. There's only one problem
with your computation.
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282. You don't have a team.
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283. You never
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284. gave us contracts,
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285. so we are all free agents.
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286. We started our own team!
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287. That's right, Pratley.
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288. And as the first
player-owned team,
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289. we all have a vote in
how this team is run.
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290. I vote we see how
fast he can run.
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291. Yeah!
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292. Ooh!
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293. This is what happens
when you send a car dealer
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294. to do a department
store owner's job.
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295. Whoa, whoa, this ain't
just about my team.
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296. Once your girls hear about this,
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297. they're gonna want
to be on their own, too.
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298. We got to do something.
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299. Let's remember, we
control the situation here.
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300. There's one thing years
of hunting has taught me:
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301. if you want to stop the pack,
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302. you need to take
down the head elephant.
Copy !req
303. Or talk to its husband.
Copy !req
304. So, before we begin
our first practice,
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305. why don't we do a warm-up skate.
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306. The blockers can go first,
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307. then the jammers,
then the pivots.
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308. You blockers always
put yourself first.
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309. Everyone knows we
jammers do all the work.
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310. We should lead.
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311. Jammers might win games,
but pivots win championships.
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312. I'll go first.
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313. Aw, you stuck-up, little...
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314. Ladies! Ladies!
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315. There is no reason
to fight anymore.
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316. As equal owners, we can solve
all our issues through voting.
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317. Okay, that is 12 ties in a row.
Copy !req
318. Which leaves us with
no time left to practice.
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319. I could bring in a chicken.
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320. Whichever person the
chicken runs to, that's who wins.
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321. Well, of course the
chicken's gonna run to you.
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322. It's your damn chicken.
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323. I vote you shut up!
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324. Oh, hey, hey, hey, calm down!
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325. We will never get
anything accomplished
Copy !req
326. by fighting amongst ourselves.
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327. Oh!
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328. You want some
of this, Cheapshot?
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329. Hank, we need to talk
about that Roller Derby team
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330. your wife bought.
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331. My wife bought a
Roller Derby team?
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332. You know anything about skates?
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333. They're very delicate
pieces of machinery.
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334. Accidents happen.
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335. Now, that's a metaphor.
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336. You just tell your
wife to close up shop.
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337. I don't need to tell
my wife anything!
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338. How did my wife buy
a Roller Derby team?
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339. Oh, hi, Hank!
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340. Well, I got to run.
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341. I'm teaching Luanne how
to make dinner with leftovers.
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342. Frugal, frugal, frugal.
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343. Peggy, did you buy
a Roller Derby team?
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344. What?
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345. The things you come up with.
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346. You crazy, crazy man.
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347. We all chipped in to buy it.
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348. Where the heck did
you get the money?
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349. The same place I
got Luanne's share...
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350. a cash advance.
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351. On our credit card?
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352. You were supposed
to be teaching Luanne
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353. fiscal responsibility.
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354. God, how am I gonna
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355. face the guys at H&R Block
Copy !req
356. when they see
this on our return?
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357. I know, I know!
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358. And now it's a
freaking disaster...
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359. We can't agree on anything.
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360. It all seemed so
easy in my head.
Copy !req
361. Everybody would be
everybody else's boss.
Copy !req
362. How could that not have worked?
Copy !req
363. How did you find out anyway?
Copy !req
364. It was Gretta, wasn't it?
Copy !req
365. No, Lane Pratley came by.
Copy !req
366. And he was making threats.
Copy !req
367. At least I think he was.
Copy !req
368. He was kind of
weasly and indirect.
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369. He was making threats?
Copy !req
370. Wait, that means
he feels threatened.
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371. Hank, I've got to
go fix everything.
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372. Now, that's what you said before
you bought a Roller Derby team.
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373. That was false bravado.
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374. This is real bravado, Hank.
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375. You've got to trust me.
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376. Okay, but I'm canceling
our credit cards.
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377. Now, I know we
all hate each other,
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378. but we have too much money
Copy !req
379. invested in this
team to quit now.
Copy !req
380. Heck, I'll go back
to dirty phone talk
Copy !req
381. before I skate with you all.
Copy !req
382. Sit down!
Copy !req
383. Lane Pratley is scared.
Copy !req
384. He's scared because
he thinks our team
Copy !req
385. is a cohesive unit
who can show the way
Copy !req
386. to all the other skaters.
Copy !req
387. He thinks we can
pull together to win,
Copy !req
388. and if he thinks all that,
maybe we can pretend to do it.
Copy !req
389. Do what?
Copy !req
390. We're gonna put on a show!
Copy !req
391. We will pretend
to like each other
Copy !req
392. just long enough to
get Pratley to buy us out.
Copy !req
393. Then we never have
to see each other again.
Copy !req
394. So here's my plan:
Copy !req
395. I climb this fence
and get you a chip.
Copy !req
396. That's your plan?
Copy !req
397. It took you two
days to think of that?
Copy !req
398. I had to cover all the angles.
Copy !req
399. Are you okay?
Copy !req
400. Well, I got some pain here
Copy !req
401. and some suffering here.
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402. Oh, my God, all your
teeth are chipped.
Copy !req
403. Now, to be fair, they was
chipped before I got here.
Copy !req
404. But these contusions
and lacerations
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405. I place squarely at the feet
of your corn chip company.
Copy !req
406. But you climbed
our security fence.
Copy !req
407. That attractive nuisance
is what I call Exhibit A.
Copy !req
408. Now, I could sue you...
Copy !req
409. My current quote is $53,000.
Copy !req
410. Or...
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411. Oh... my God.
Copy !req
412. Ain't it the truth?
Copy !req
413. Bobby, can you
drive a stick shift?
Copy !req
414. And keep me awake?
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415. Are you sure they're watching?
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416. Of course they're watching.
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417. Smile, I want to see
all eight of your teeth.
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418. Dang, I never seen
that biggun smile before.
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419. I've seen enough.
Copy !req
420. They're leaving.
Copy !req
421. Did it work?
Copy !req
422. Shut up.
Copy !req
423. I thought we were done
playing other teams.
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424. You said they'd buy us
out before we had to skate.
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425. She says lots of things.
Copy !req
426. Sorry, Aunt Peggy.
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427. Sure they'll be here.
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428. They'd be fools not to be here.
Copy !req
429. You're up!
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430. Okay, we can do this.
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431. It's only one hour,
Copy !req
432. three times a
week, indefinitely.
Copy !req
433. It's just like riding a
bicycle that you hate.
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434. I thought we were
just doing this for show.
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435. I ain't rolling with y'all.
Copy !req
436. Yeah, the hell with this.
Copy !req
437. Excuse me, ladies, a
moment of your time.
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438. Actually, we were
just about to go skate.
Copy !req
439. But as a democratically
operated team,
Copy !req
440. we will vote to see if
we want to talk to you.
Copy !req
441. It's unanimous. What do you got?
Copy !req
442. I got $8,000 cash
money to buy your team.
Copy !req
443. Wait, you want
to try to buy us...
Copy !req
444. with money?
Copy !req
445. Are you gonna write a
check for our camaraderie?
Copy !req
446. Are you gonna fill our
wallets with good times?
Copy !req
447. You make me laugh.
Copy !req
448. Peggy, I've sold enough Hyundais
Copy !req
449. to know exactly where
you're coming from.
Copy !req
450. Now, I'm gonna write a
number down on a popcorn bag...
Copy !req
451. I guess you ladies have
a match to skate... for me.
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452. So, we have to keep
skating together?
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453. Just until I cash the check,
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454. then we'll never have
to see them again.
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455. After all, we don't
have contracts.
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456. Here you go!
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457. Congratulations, Luanne,
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458. your credit cards are
now entirely paid up.
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459. Yay!
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460. And Hank, just to show I
am a woman of my word...
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461. Please look outside.
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462. The Gatsby Collection!
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463. Actually, we could only
afford the West Egg Ottoman
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464. and the Tom and Daisy Recliner.
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465. Scary to think about the
road not traveled, huh?
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