1. She said, "No, Mrs. Hill,
Copy !req
2. this is
advanced placement Latin."
Copy !req
3. And I said, "Well then,
Copy !req
4. what's Latin for
'my bad?'"
Copy !req
5. Mom,
Copy !req
6. you kill me!
Copy !req
7. Hello.
Copy !req
8. Yes... Right...
Copy !req
9. Okay, fine, then.
Copy !req
10. Thank you.
Copy !req
11. Telemarketer?
Copy !req
12. No. It was my mother.
Copy !req
13. Your mother?
Copy !req
14. Wow, what's it been,
20 years?
Copy !req
15. Mm-hmm.
Copy !req
16. Well, what did she say?
Copy !req
17. She wants us to come
to the ranch this weekend.
Copy !req
18. In Montana?
Copy !req
19. Mm-hmm.
Really?
Copy !req
20. Do you think
you could knock it off
Copy !req
21. with all the personal questions,
Hank?
Copy !req
22. All you ever do is grill me
about my emotional life,
Copy !req
23. pushing and prodding me
Copy !req
24. to talk about
my feelings.
Copy !req
25. It's like living with
Barbara freakin' Walters!
Copy !req
26. The nerve!
Copy !req
27. She spends my whole childhood
criticizing me,
Copy !req
28. and my whole adulthood
ignoring me.
Copy !req
29. Now she wants me to visit?
Copy !req
30. What for?
Copy !req
31. Well, I know
it's unpleasant,
Copy !req
32. but have you considered
that she might be, uh,
Copy !req
33. you know... dying?
Copy !req
34. No chance.
Copy !req
35. Dying is not her style.
Copy !req
36. That would be a sign
of weakness.
Copy !req
37. You know, I think this
Copy !req
38. not-having-contact-with-
your-mother thing
Copy !req
39. might have a downside.
Copy !req
40. Don't be ridiculous.
It's been great.
Copy !req
41. I think you've allowed your
imagination to run wild.
Copy !req
42. In your head,
your mom's become
Copy !req
43. some kind of crazy evil spirit
Copy !req
44. with the power
of eternal life.
Copy !req
45. But really, she's just an old,
tired, cattle-rancher woman
Copy !req
46. who misses her daughter,
Copy !req
47. and wants
to make peace.
Copy !req
48. That's why she
called you tonight.
Copy !req
49. Yep. That old cow's just
looking for her calf.
Copy !req
50. My God, Hank.
Copy !req
51. Of course.
Copy !req
52. You really are an emotional
genius, aren't you?
Copy !req
53. You really are
Copy !req
54. my Barbara Walters.
Copy !req
55. I've been waiting 20 years
for this trip.
Copy !req
56. Montana—
Copy !req
57. it even sounds rugged.
Copy !req
58. I almost threw up once
in Montana.
Copy !req
59. I made it to Idaho.
Copy !req
60. Making it out of the car
Copy !req
61. would have been
the real accomplishment.
Copy !req
62. So I've already decided—
Copy !req
63. this is where Bobby will spend
his summers.
Copy !req
64. Every fall, he'll come back
taller, and hardier
Copy !req
65. and maybe, maybe
just a little bit quieter.
Copy !req
66. Well, I better go pack.
Copy !req
67. Whoa, Boomhauer,
you're taking this well.
Copy !req
68. Ah, purple mountain's majesty.
Copy !req
69. Is there anything fun
to do around here?
Copy !req
70. Bobby, there's
nowhere more fun
in all of America.
Copy !req
71. They've got horses and tractors,
Copy !req
72. and people who know how
to grow their own food
Copy !req
73. and fix their own roofs.
Copy !req
74. You want fun?
Copy !req
75. You're standing
in a five-ring circus
Copy !req
76. of simplicity
and self-reliance.
Copy !req
77. Uh-oh.
Copy !req
78. Uh, that's your
rental there
Copy !req
79. in space 62.
Copy !req
80. No, no, that's one
of those Rovers.
Copy !req
81. I'm supposed
to have a pickup.
Copy !req
82. We're all out.
Copy !req
83. But this is a nicer vehicle,
Copy !req
84. and you'll get the same price
as the pickup.
Copy !req
85. Uh-huh, but I'm not
interested in hav...
Copy !req
86. It's the only car
we have right now.
Copy !req
87. Uh...
Copy !req
88. This is the most
beautiful
Copy !req
89. got-dang sight
Copy !req
90. I have ever seen.
Copy !req
91. Oh, my God.
There's Mom.
Copy !req
92. You know, I wasn't completely
sure until now,
Copy !req
93. but you were right, Hank.
Copy !req
94. I mean, look at her.
Copy !req
95. Look at the way
she moves.
Copy !req
96. That is a different woman than
the one I grew up with.
Copy !req
97. Yes. There's
a tenderness now.
Copy !req
98. I can see it.
Copy !req
99. Hank, thank you for
making me do this.
Copy !req
100. Oh, Mom!
Copy !req
101. What?
Copy !req
102. So, Mom, at the risk
of boasting,
Copy !req
103. I've become quite
a little success.
Copy !req
104. I won the Substitute Teacher
of the Year Award,
Copy !req
105. three years in row.
Copy !req
106. Well, how about that.
Copy !req
107. What was your subject,
Copy !req
108. "How To Avoid A Life of
Working With Your Hands"?
Copy !req
109. No, it was Spanish.
Copy !req
110. Uh-huh. What do you
think about it, Doc?
Copy !req
111. You ever have a use
for a substitute teacher?
Copy !req
112. Well...
Copy !req
113. I suppose I can't
tell you much
Copy !req
114. that them mountains can't
tell you better.
Copy !req
115. What's Grandpa talking about?
Copy !req
116. It didn't make any sense.
Copy !req
117. That's the talk
of an old cowboy, son.
Copy !req
118. And you'll see someday,
Copy !req
119. it's the only kind of talk
that does make sense.
Copy !req
120. She's just as cold and mean
and critical as she ever was.
Copy !req
121. Ugh, this is so hard.
Copy !req
122. Hank, you can never let me
become my mother.
Copy !req
123. Bobby, from this day forward,
Copy !req
124. will coddle you.
Copy !req
125. All right!
Copy !req
126. Morning, fellas.
Copy !req
127. Thought I'd give you guys
a hand today.
Copy !req
128. If you like.
Copy !req
129. Are you sure
you wouldn't rather
Copy !req
130. just polish your Rover
or something?
Copy !req
131. Oh, believe me,
I didn't want it.
Copy !req
132. I asked for a pickup,
Copy !req
133. but that was
all they had.
Copy !req
134. Whatever you say,
Hollywood.
Copy !req
135. So, uh, what
are we doing first?
Copy !req
136. He's got the lump jaw.
Copy !req
137. Gotta drain the abscess.
Copy !req
138. We're gonna need
another bucket.
Copy !req
139. Mom, I know that
you and I
Copy !req
140. have some real talking
to do...
Copy !req
141. See that cow over there?
Copy !req
142. She's calving.
Copy !req
143. It's coming out backwards!
Copy !req
144. Tie her head to the wall,
keep her still.
Copy !req
145. I'm on it.
Copy !req
146. And hold my wedding ring.
Copy !req
147. All right, I got the chains on.
Copy !req
148. Get back here
and help me pull.
Copy !req
149. One, two, three... go!
Copy !req
150. He's out!
Copy !req
151. Oh, will you
look at that.
Copy !req
152. It's been a long time since
I've seen that sight.
Copy !req
153. I see it hundreds
of times a year,
Copy !req
154. and it never
stops amazing me.
Copy !req
155. Can you believe it's
been 20 years,
Copy !req
156. and I still calved a breech
without missing a beat?
Copy !req
157. That's cause you did
what I told you.
Copy !req
158. If you'd been out on
the range by yourself,
Copy !req
159. that calf would
still be in there.
Copy !req
160. You ruined my childhood!
Copy !req
161. Oh, it's all about you,
isn't it?
Copy !req
162. Why didn't you ever do one damn
thing I asked you to?
Copy !req
163. Why didn't you marry that boy
from across the road?
Copy !req
164. Sven Grammersdorf?
Copy !req
165. The alfalfa farmer's son?
Copy !req
166. He was a decent man
from good stock.
Copy !req
167. Well, I did not have
feelings for him, Mom!
Copy !req
168. No one asked you to.
Copy !req
169. We were trying to run a ranch,
not a "feelings" factory.
Copy !req
170. If you'd married Sven,
we'd be doing all right.
Copy !req
171. But you ran away.
Copy !req
172. And now we're all
paying for it.
Copy !req
173. What are you talking about?
Copy !req
174. I invited you here
Copy !req
175. so you could take a last look
at your childhood home.
Copy !req
176. We're losing the ranch!
Copy !req
177. Wha... You're losing
the ranch?
Copy !req
178. Well, I... I don't
know what to say.
Copy !req
179. How about "sorry."
Copy !req
180. It's all your fault.
Copy !req
181. You and people
like Henry Winkler.
Copy !req
182. Henry Winkler?
Copy !req
183. Howdy.
Copy !req
184. The Fonz?
Copy !req
185. So, how's it going
with your mom?
Copy !req
186. We're losing the ranch.
Copy !req
187. What?
Copy !req
188. Mm-hmm.
Copy !req
189. Oh, and that's Henry Winkler.
Copy !req
190. Howdy.
Copy !req
191. What the hell
is going on around here?
Copy !req
192. See that trail leading up
into the mountains?
Copy !req
193. That's where we send
the cows every April.
Copy !req
194. For spring
grazing, right?
Copy !req
195. Yep. See, it's
not legally our property.
Copy !req
196. The Grammersdorfs
kindly shared it
Copy !req
197. with us for 50 years,
Copy !req
198. but their boy, Sven,
moved to Seattle,
Copy !req
199. so they sold the place
to Henry Winkler,
Copy !req
200. and he won't let us
use the trail.
Copy !req
201. Cows were supposed
to head up there this week.
Copy !req
202. Thanks to old man Winkler,
they've got nowhere to go.
Copy !req
203. Well, why would
a guy like him
Copy !req
204. even be living
out here?
Copy !req
205. All you Hollywood folks
are moving here.
Copy !req
206. You burn out on city life,
Copy !req
207. you come out here,
see all this wide-open space,
Copy !req
208. and you start making
fancy pizzas.
Copy !req
209. Fellows, look you have
every right to be mad,
Copy !req
210. but for the record,
I'm not from Hollywood.
Copy !req
211. I'm from Arlen, Texas.
Copy !req
212. Arlen. New York.
Hollywood.
Copy !req
213. Well, why don't you just rent
the trail from Henry Winkler?
Copy !req
214. We're broke.
Copy !req
215. You Hollywood folks made
property taxes skyrocket.
Copy !req
216. You got any more questions,
Stevie Spielberg?
Copy !req
217. Dang it,
I am not Steven Spielberg.
Copy !req
218. Well, I respectfully disagree.
Copy !req
219. And then he told me
that you can't even
Copy !req
220. buy groceries
in town anymore.
Copy !req
221. It's all been taken over
by gourmet restaurants
Copy !req
222. and... day spas.
Copy !req
223. Yeah, well, that's
progress, I guess.
Copy !req
224. What do you mean?
Copy !req
225. Aren't you
upset by this?
Copy !req
226. I cannot wait
to wave a last good-bye
Copy !req
227. to this place.
Copy !req
228. What about this saddle?
Copy !req
229. Are you telling me this doesn't
bring back any good memories?
Copy !req
230. Of course.
It reminds me of Missoula,
Copy !req
231. my old gelding horse.
Copy !req
232. Mom made me
castrate him myself.
Copy !req
233. Man, this place is boring.
Copy !req
234. Nothing happens here.
Copy !req
235. I'm gonna try to sleep
for two days straight.
Copy !req
236. I hope this battery
lasts the weekend.
Copy !req
237. Oh, hello.
Copy !req
238. You want some candy, huh?
Copy !req
239. Well, I don't blame you—
Copy !req
240. I've had hay.
Copy !req
241. Doc, I heard
about what's happening,
Copy !req
242. and it breaks my heart.
Copy !req
243. Well...
Copy !req
244. I never could figure
Copy !req
245. what the sky was thinking,
Copy !req
246. but the soil, she don't
keep too many secrets.
Copy !req
247. I will never
forget you, Doc Platter.
Copy !req
248. Dang it!
Copy !req
249. I'm not gonna
let this happen.
Copy !req
250. Well, hi, there.
Copy !req
251. I don't know you, but I'd
absolutely love that to change.
Copy !req
252. I'm Henry.
Copy !req
253. Hank Hill.
Copy !req
254. I'm just up the
road, and I, uh,
Copy !req
255. thought I'd come by
for a friendly visit.
Copy !req
256. Hank, I love that.
Copy !req
257. That is so... "the West."
Copy !req
258. I wish the whole world would
stop by for a friendly visit.
Copy !req
259. Oh, God.
Copy !req
260. So, uh, Henry,
the reason I'm here...
Copy !req
261. Shh!
Copy !req
262. Don't you love
how peaceful it is here?
Copy !req
263. You know, back in L.A.,
Copy !req
264. my brain just gets...
it gets muddy.
Copy !req
265. The agents
and the lawyers
Copy !req
266. and the paparazzi—
they walk into my skull,
Copy !req
267. and they... they get
dirt in there,
Copy !req
268. you know what I mean?
Copy !req
269. Well, I'm not
sure if I...
Copy !req
270. That's why I fish.
Copy !req
271. Well, hey, I fish, too!
Copy !req
272. Then you
understand.
Copy !req
273. You know, I always
say that fishing
Copy !req
274. is like a washing machine
for your brain.
Copy !req
275. It's so deliciously Zen.
Copy !req
276. Uh, I think I might do a
different kind of fishing.
Copy !req
277. Oh, you know what?
Copy !req
278. Hold on for a second.
Copy !req
279. I can explain this
so much better.
Copy !req
280. Thelonius Monk.
Copy !req
281. He must've fished.
Copy !req
282. I mean, look at that
bluff right there.
Copy !req
283. Perfect for squares.
Copy !req
284. Squares?
Copy !req
285. The Hollywood Squares.
Copy !req
286. I'm the executive producer.
Copy !req
287. Can you imagine Kathie Lee,
Joan and Melissa and Dom
Copy !req
288. in the giant squares,
Copy !req
289. gazing out at all
this majesty?
Copy !req
290. And all this majesty
is gazing right back at them.
Copy !req
291. Well, that's actually
Copy !req
292. the sort of land-use issue
that I'd like to discuss.
Copy !req
293. See, the reason I'm...
Copy !req
294. Hank, you and I,
we're artists.
Copy !req
295. It's our job
to bring humanity
Copy !req
296. and nature
closer together.
Copy !req
297. Look, I'm not an artist
and I'm not from Hollywood.
Copy !req
298. I'm from Arlen, Texas.
Copy !req
299. Oh, my God, I adore Austin.
Copy !req
300. Arlen!
Copy !req
301. Dad, have you
seen Bobby?
Copy !req
302. Well, the way I figure it,
Copy !req
303. the grass on a prairie...
Copy !req
304. Oh, there he is.
Copy !req
305. Hey, Mom.
Copy !req
306. This is Tennessee.
Copy !req
307. Yeah, that's nice. Look, Bobby,
Copy !req
308. we've got to pack up
and get out of here.
Copy !req
309. Oh. Okay.
Copy !req
310. Well, I guess I'll
be seeing you.
Copy !req
311. Did you clean
his hooves?
Copy !req
312. That's one
of the most important parts
Copy !req
313. of grooming a horse.
Copy !req
314. Oh.
Copy !req
315. Next time, I guess.
Copy !req
316. Are you sure
he won't mind?
Copy !req
317. Honey, he weighs
a thousand pounds.
Copy !req
318. To him, you're like a hat.
Copy !req
319. Don't slouch.
Copy !req
320. Straighten up
your back.
Copy !req
321. That's right.
Copy !req
322. Now go ahead, give him
Copy !req
323. a little squeeze
with your heels.
Copy !req
324. Hey. We're going.
Copy !req
325. Tennessee, you're a genius.
Copy !req
326. So if you'd be
willing to open
Copy !req
327. that trail for just
a few days a year,
Copy !req
328. it would make all
the difference.
Copy !req
329. Hank, have you ever seen the
movie A River Runs Through It?
Copy !req
330. Can you imagine if cows just
tromped across that river,
Copy !req
331. getting all tangled up
in the fly-fishing lines?
Copy !req
332. Now that would
be an awful movie.
Copy !req
333. Uh-huh. Well, the
river's over there
Copy !req
334. and the cattle trail
is way over there.
Copy !req
335. So it seems
like you could
Copy !req
336. let the cattle through
Copy !req
337. without much
of a problem.
Copy !req
338. Excuse me. It would be
a serious problem.
Copy !req
339. Cows have very dirty feet.
Copy !req
340. They walk through poo,
Copy !req
341. and they could track
giardia microbes
Copy !req
342. onto the land,
which could wash into the river
Copy !req
343. and contaminate the fish.
Copy !req
344. If there's no fish, Hank,
Copy !req
345. then what am I
washing my brain with?
Copy !req
346. Look, cows and fish have
gotten along fine for centuries.
Copy !req
347. Hank, sure I could
open the cattle road,
Copy !req
348. and tomorrow
there would be steak,
Copy !req
349. but someday our children will
ask us, "Where are the trees?"
Copy !req
350. What they'll ask is,
"Where's the got dang steak?"
Copy !req
351. Enjoy your celebrity
Copy !req
352. cocktail hour,
Mr. Hollywood?
Copy !req
353. Dang it! I am
sick and tired
Copy !req
354. of everyone's asinine
ideas about me.
Copy !req
355. I am not some redneck
Copy !req
356. and I'm not
a Hollywood jerk!
Copy !req
357. I'm something
else entirely.
Copy !req
358. I'm... I'm complicated.
Copy !req
359. Mom! I did it!
Copy !req
360. Ho-yeah!
Copy !req
361. Peggy, let's
go home.
Copy !req
362. I've had it with
Henry Winkler,
Copy !req
363. and I've had it
with your family
Copy !req
364. and this got dang ranch.
Copy !req
365. Hank, are you insane?
Copy !req
366. Look at that.
Copy !req
367. Dang that
Henry Winkler.
Copy !req
368. This should've been the
best moment of my life,
Copy !req
369. and I can't
even enjoy it.
Copy !req
370. Look how happy he is.
Copy !req
371. Ah. It reminds me
of myself at his age.
Copy !req
372. But I thought you said
you were never happy here.
Copy !req
373. I just let my
awful memories of Mom
Copy !req
374. cloud my good memories
of growing up here.
Copy !req
375. Well, that's nice.
Copy !req
376. Anyway, if we hurry,
we can get the 5:45
Copy !req
377. flight to Dallas.
Copy !req
378. We can't leave now.
Copy !req
379. Maybe I didn't marry
Sven Grammersdorf,
Copy !req
380. but I can still save this ranch.
Copy !req
381. Sven Grammersdorf?
Copy !req
382. What about our neighbors
to the east?
Copy !req
383. Don't they have
an old cattle trail?
Copy !req
384. You mean the Fondas?
Copy !req
385. Hey, there's that old
white-haired fella
Copy !req
386. just up to the north.
Copy !req
387. Looked like he'd spent
some years working outdoors.
Copy !req
388. Has he got a trail?
Copy !req
389. Larry David?
Good luck.
Copy !req
390. Got dang it!
Copy !req
391. Forget it, Peggy.
Copy !req
392. This place ain't about
agriculture anymore.
Copy !req
393. The Hollywood folks
changed the landscape
Copy !req
394. and they've changed
the laws.
Copy !req
395. "Ordinance of 1857...
Copy !req
396. if an act of God
or other adverse..."
Copy !req
397. Typical.
Copy !req
398. You're on vacation
for two days,
Copy !req
399. and you can't stay away
from your books.
Copy !req
400. Uh, Peggy, are you sure
this isn't, uh,
Copy !req
401. you know, a pretty darned
bad idea?
Copy !req
402. Don't you worry.
Copy !req
403. I know what I'm doing
and it is going to work.
Copy !req
404. You both remember
the plan.
Copy !req
405. Bobby, you stay by me.
Copy !req
406. Hank, bring up the rear.
Copy !req
407. Let's ride!
Copy !req
408. Look, Mommy.
Copy !req
409. Moo cow!
Copy !req
410. Ma'am, what are you doing
with a herd of cattle
Copy !req
411. on a public thoroughfare?
Copy !req
412. We're heading to the mountains.
Copy !req
413. We're taking the long route
Copy !req
414. because our cattle trail
has been blocked
Copy !req
415. by Henry Winkler.
Copy !req
416. Oh, come on!
Copy !req
417. I've got people
coming for brunch!
Copy !req
418. Ma'am, I'm sorry you're having
a dispute with your neighbors,
Copy !req
419. but you can't take it out
on the town.
Copy !req
420. These folks are just trying
to enjoy their vacation.
Copy !req
421. Well, then, here's some
vacation reading for them.
Copy !req
422. Article 32C
from the Osage County Charter.
Copy !req
423. "Should a dedicated
cattle road become impassable,
Copy !req
424. "Main Street can serve
as a temporary pass
Copy !req
425. until such time as said road
reopens."
Copy !req
426. This law was made more than
100 years ago.
Copy !req
427. It doesn't have any meaning now.
Copy !req
428. Well, it means plenty to us,
sir.
Copy !req
429. So we'll be driving cattle
right through here,
Copy !req
430. 50 head at a time,
Copy !req
431. until we've got all
2,000 head up in the mountains.
Copy !req
432. Unless Mr. Winkler would like
to yield his road.
Copy !req
433. Stampede!
Copy !req
434. Yee-haw!
Copy !req
435. Yeah, dogies!
Copy !req
436. Hank, you crazy cowboy!
Copy !req
437. What the hell
are you guys doing?
Copy !req
438. Well, right about now,
I'm trying not to die.
Copy !req
439. Lift up off
the saddle.
Copy !req
440. You won't bounce
as much!
Copy !req
441. Can you believe
I got Henry Winkler
Copy !req
442. to open up this trail?
Copy !req
443. So what do you think,
Mom?
Copy !req
444. Peggy Hill:
Copy !req
445. Educator, Mother, Rancher.
Copy !req
446. You were just fixing
the mess you made
in the first place.
Copy !req
447. And half them cattle
in the drive
Copy !req
448. wasn't branded yet.
Copy !req
449. We could've lost 'em
to rustlers.
Copy !req
450. Peggy, check this out.
Copy !req
451. Hey, where are you
going?
Copy !req
452. To finish the work
around here.
Copy !req
453. I will castrate,
vaccinate, dehorn
and brand
Copy !req
454. every steer in the herd,
Copy !req
455. by myself!
Copy !req
456. Peggy, that's crazy.
Copy !req
457. I don't care!
Copy !req
458. I'm not stopping until
my mother sees that I'm...
Copy !req
459. Well, I just thought
that if I saved the ranch,
Copy !req
460. it would finally make Mom
proud of me.
Copy !req
461. But it didn't!
Copy !req
462. I'm sorry, Peggy.
Copy !req
463. If saving the ranch
didn't change anything
between you two,
Copy !req
464. nothing's gonna.
Copy !req
465. Well, then what did
we come here for?
Copy !req
466. What was the point
of this whole
Copy !req
467. stupid, stupid, stupid,
stupid trip?
Copy !req
468. Hello there.
Copy !req
469. Mr. Winkler here would
like you to know
Copy !req
470. that it was always
his intention
Copy !req
471. to let the Platters'
cattle use his trail.
Copy !req
472. Because cattle,
like jazz music,
Copy !req
473. feed the soul of America.
Copy !req
474. And that, uh, if all
the leaders of the world
Copy !req
475. would just fish together,
Copy !req
476. the planet would live
in harmony.
Copy !req
477. Thank you, Hank.
Copy !req
478. Sven Grammersdorf?
Copy !req