1. She said, "No, Mrs. Hill,Copy !req
2. this is advanced
placement Latin."Copy !req
3. And I said, "Well then,Copy !req
4. what's Latin for 'my bad?"'Copy !req
5. Mom,Copy !req
6. you kill me!Copy !req
7. Hello.Copy !req
8. Yes... Right...Copy !req
9. Okay, fine, then.Copy !req
10. Thank you.Copy !req
11. Telemarketer?Copy !req
12. No. It was my mother.Copy !req
13. Your mother?Copy !req
14. Wow, what's it been, 20 years?Copy !req
15. Mm-hmm.Copy !req
16. Well, what did she say?Copy !req
17. She wants us to come
to the ranch this weekend.Copy !req
18. In Montana?Copy !req
19. Mm-hmm. Really?Copy !req
20. Do you think you
could knock it offCopy !req
21. with all the personal
questions, Hank?Copy !req
22. All you ever do is grill me
about my emotional life,Copy !req
23. pushing and prodding meCopy !req
24. to talk about my feelings.Copy !req
25. It's like living with
Barbara freakin' Walters!Copy !req
26. The nerve!Copy !req
27. She spends my whole
childhood criticizing me,Copy !req
28. and my whole
adulthood ignoring me.Copy !req
29. Now she wants me to visit?Copy !req
30. What for?Copy !req
31. Well, I know it's unpleasant,Copy !req
32. but have you considered
that she might be, uh,Copy !req
33. you know... dying?Copy !req
34. No chance.Copy !req
35. Dying is not her style.Copy !req
36. That would be a
sign of weakness.Copy !req
37. You know, I think thisCopy !req
38. not-having-contact-with-
your-mother thingCopy !req
39. might have a downside.Copy !req
40. Don't be ridiculous.
It's been great.Copy !req
41. I think you've allowed
your imagination to run wild.Copy !req
42. In your head, your mom's becomeCopy !req
43. some kind of crazy evil spiritCopy !req
44. with the power of eternal life.Copy !req
45. But really, she's just an old,
tired, cattle-rancher womanCopy !req
46. who misses her daughter,Copy !req
47. and wants to make peace.Copy !req
48. That's why she
called you tonight.Copy !req
49. Yep. That old cow's
just looking for her calf.Copy !req
50. My God, Hank.Copy !req
51. Of course.Copy !req
52. You really are an
emotional genius, aren't you?Copy !req
53. You really areCopy !req
54. my Barbara Walters.Copy !req
55. I've been waiting
20 years for this trip.Copy !req
56. Montana...Copy !req
57. It even sounds rugged.Copy !req
58. I almost threw up
once in Montana.Copy !req
59. I made it to Idaho.Copy !req
60. Making it out of the carCopy !req
61. would have been the
real accomplishment.Copy !req
62. So I've already decided...Copy !req
63. This is where Bobby
will spend his summers.Copy !req
64. Every fall, he'll come
back taller, and hardierCopy !req
65. and maybe, maybe
just a little bit quieter.Copy !req
66. Well, I better go pack.Copy !req
67. Whoa, Boomhauer,
you're taking this well.Copy !req
68. Ah, purple mountain's majesty.Copy !req
69. Is there anything fun
to do around here?Copy !req
70. Bobby, there's nowhere
more fun in all of America.Copy !req
71. They've got horses and tractors,Copy !req
72. and people who know
how to grow their own foodCopy !req
73. and fix their own roofs.Copy !req
74. You want fun?Copy !req
75. You're standing
in a five-ring circusCopy !req
76. of simplicity and self-reliance.Copy !req
77. Uh-oh.Copy !req
78. Uh, that's your rental thereCopy !req
79. in space 62.Copy !req
80. No, no, that's one
of those Rovers.Copy !req
81. I'm supposed to have a pickup.Copy !req
82. We're all out.Copy !req
83. But this is a nicer vehicle,Copy !req
84. and you'll get the same
price as the pickup.Copy !req
85. Uh-huh, but I'm not
interested in hav...Copy !req
86. It's the only car
we have right now.Copy !req
87. Uh...Copy !req
88. This is the most beautifulCopy !req
89. got-dang sightCopy !req
90. I have ever seen.Copy !req
91. Oh, my God. There's Mom.Copy !req
92. You know, I wasn't
completely sure until now,Copy !req
93. but you were right, Hank.Copy !req
94. I mean, look at her.Copy !req
95. Look at the way she moves.Copy !req
96. That is a different woman
than the one I grew up with.Copy !req
97. Yes. There's a tenderness now.Copy !req
98. I can see it.Copy !req
99. Hank, thank you for
making me do this.Copy !req
100. Oh, Mom!Copy !req
101. What?Copy !req
102. So, Mom, at the
risk of boasting,Copy !req
103. I've become quite
a little success.Copy !req
104. I won the Substitute
Teacher of the Year Award,Copy !req
105. three years in row.Copy !req
106. Well, how about that.Copy !req
107. What was your subject,Copy !req
108. "How To Avoid A Life of
Working With Your Hands"?Copy !req
109. No, it was Spanish.Copy !req
110. Uh-huh. What do you
think about it, Doc?Copy !req
111. You ever have a use
for a substitute teacher?Copy !req
112. Well...Copy !req
113. I suppose I can't tell you muchCopy !req
114. that them mountains
can't tell you better.Copy !req
115. What's Grandpa talking about?Copy !req
116. It didn't make any sense.Copy !req
117. That's the talk of
an old cowboy, son.Copy !req
118. And you'll see someday,Copy !req
119. it's the only kind of talk
that does make sense.Copy !req
120. She's just as cold and mean
and critical as she ever was.Copy !req
121. Ugh, this is so hard.Copy !req
122. Hank, you can never let
me become my mother.Copy !req
123. Bobby, from this day forward,Copy !req
124. will coddle you.Copy !req
125. All right!Copy !req
126. Morning, fellas.Copy !req
127. Thought I'd give you
guys a hand today.Copy !req
128. If you like.Copy !req
129. Are you sure you wouldn't ratherCopy !req
130. just polish your
Rover or something?Copy !req
131. Oh, believe me,
I didn't want it.Copy !req
132. I asked for a pickup,Copy !req
133. but that was all they had.Copy !req
134. Whatever you say, Hollywood.Copy !req
135. So, uh, what are we doing first?Copy !req
136. He's got the lump jaw.Copy !req
137. Gotta drain the abscess.Copy !req
138. We're gonna need another bucket.Copy !req
139. Mom, I know that you and ICopy !req
140. have some real talking to do...Copy !req
141. See that cow over there?Copy !req
142. She's calving.Copy !req
143. It's coming out backwards!Copy !req
144. Tie her head to the
wall, keep her still.Copy !req
145. I'm on it.Copy !req
146. And hold my wedding ring.Copy !req
147. All right, I got the chains on.Copy !req
148. Get back here and help me pull.Copy !req
149. One, two, three... go!Copy !req
150. He's out!Copy !req
151. Oh, will you look at that.Copy !req
152. It's been a long time
since I've seen that sight.Copy !req
153. I see it hundreds
of times a year,Copy !req
154. and it never stops amazing me.Copy !req
155. Can you believe
it's been 20 years,Copy !req
156. and I still calved a breech
without missing a beat?Copy !req
157. That's cause you
did what I told you.Copy !req
158. If you'd been out on
the range by yourself,Copy !req
159. that calf would
still be in there.Copy !req
160. You ruined my childhood!Copy !req
161. Oh, it's all about
you, isn't it?Copy !req
162. Why didn't you ever do one
damn thing I asked you to?Copy !req
163. Why didn't you marry that
boy from across the road?Copy !req
164. Sven Grammersdorf?Copy !req
165. The alfalfa farmer's son?Copy !req
166. He was a decent
man from good stock.Copy !req
167. Well, I did not have
feelings for him, Mom!Copy !req
168. No one asked you to.Copy !req
169. We were trying to run a
ranch, not a "feelings" factory.Copy !req
170. If you'd married Sven,
we'd be doing all right.Copy !req
171. But you ran away.Copy !req
172. And now we're all paying for it.Copy !req
173. What are you talking about?Copy !req
174. I invited you hereCopy !req
175. so you could take a last
look at your childhood home.Copy !req
176. We're losing the ranch!Copy !req
177. Wha... You're losing the ranch?Copy !req
178. Well, I... I don't
know what to say.Copy !req
179. How about "sorry."Copy !req
180. It's all your fault.Copy !req
181. You and people
like Henry Winkler.Copy !req
182. Henry Winkler?Copy !req
183. Howdy.Copy !req
184. The Fonz?Copy !req
185. So, how's it going
with your mom?Copy !req
186. We're losing the ranch.Copy !req
187. What?Copy !req
188. Mm-hmm.Copy !req
189. Oh, and that's Henry Winkler.Copy !req
190. Howdy.Copy !req
191. What the hell is
going on around here?Copy !req
192. See that trail leading
up into the mountains?Copy !req
193. That's where we send
the cows every April.Copy !req
194. For spring grazing, right?Copy !req
195. Yep. See, it's not
legally our property.Copy !req
196. The Grammersdorfs
kindly shared itCopy !req
197. with us for 50 years,Copy !req
198. but their boy, Sven,
moved to Seattle,Copy !req
199. so they sold the
place to Henry Winkler,Copy !req
200. and he won't let
us use the trail.Copy !req
201. Cows were supposed to
head up there this week.Copy !req
202. Thanks to old man Winkler,
they've got nowhere to go.Copy !req
203. Well, why would a guy like himCopy !req
204. even be living out here?Copy !req
205. All you Hollywood
folks are moving here.Copy !req
206. You burn out on city life,Copy !req
207. you come out here, see
all this wide-open space,Copy !req
208. and you start
making fancy pizzas.Copy !req
209. Fellows, look you have
every right to be mad,Copy !req
210. but for the record, I'm
not from Hollywood.Copy !req
211. I'm from Arlen, Texas.Copy !req
212. Arlen. New York. Hollywood.Copy !req
213. Well, why don't you just rent
the trail from Henry Winkler?Copy !req
214. We're broke.Copy !req
215. You Hollywood folks made
property taxes skyrocket.Copy !req
216. You got any more
questions, Stevie Spielberg?Copy !req
217. Dang it, I am not
Steven Spielberg.Copy !req
218. Well, I respectfully disagree.Copy !req
219. And then he told me
that you can't evenCopy !req
220. buy groceries in town anymore.Copy !req
221. It's all been taken over
by gourmet restaurantsCopy !req
222. and... day spas.Copy !req
223. Yeah, well, that's
progress, I guess.Copy !req
224. What do you mean?Copy !req
225. Aren't you upset by this?Copy !req
226. I cannot wait to
wave a last good-byeCopy !req
227. to this place.Copy !req
228. What about this saddle?Copy !req
229. Are you telling me this doesn't
bring back any good memories?Copy !req
230. Of course. It reminds
me of Missoula,Copy !req
231. my old gelding horse.Copy !req
232. Mom made me castrate him myself.Copy !req
233. Man, this place is boring.Copy !req
234. Nothing happens here.Copy !req
235. I'm gonna try to sleep
for two days straight.Copy !req
236. I hope this battery
lasts the weekend.Copy !req
237. Oh, hello.Copy !req
238. You want some candy, huh?Copy !req
239. Well, I don't blame you...Copy !req
240. I've had hay.Copy !req
241. Doc, I heard about
what's happening,Copy !req
242. and it breaks my heart.Copy !req
243. Well...Copy !req
244. I never could figureCopy !req
245. what the sky was thinking,Copy !req
246. but the soil, she don't
keep too many secrets.Copy !req
247. I will never forget
you, Doc Platter.Copy !req
248. Dang it!Copy !req
249. I'm not gonna let this happen.Copy !req
250. Well, hi, there.Copy !req
251. I don't know you, but I'd
absolutely love that to change.Copy !req
252. I'm Henry.Copy !req
253. Hank Hill.Copy !req
254. I'm just up the road, and I, uh,Copy !req
255. thought I'd come
by for a friendly visit.Copy !req
256. Hank, I love that.Copy !req
257. That is so... "the West."Copy !req
258. I wish the whole world would
stop by for a friendly visit.Copy !req
259. Oh, God.Copy !req
260. So, uh, Henry, the
reason I'm here...Copy !req
261. Shh!Copy !req
262. Don't you love how
peaceful it is here?Copy !req
263. You know, back in L.A.,Copy !req
264. my brain just
gets... it gets muddy.Copy !req
265. The agents and the lawyersCopy !req
266. and the paparazzi...
They walk into my skull,Copy !req
267. and they... they
get dirt in there,Copy !req
268. you know what I mean?Copy !req
269. Well, I'm not sure if I...Copy !req
270. That's why I fish.Copy !req
271. Well, hey, I fish, too!Copy !req
272. Then you understand.Copy !req
273. You know, I always
say that fishingCopy !req
274. is like a washing
machine for your brain.Copy !req
275. It's so deliciously Zen.Copy !req
276. Uh, I think I might do a
different kind of fishing.Copy !req
277. Oh, you know what?Copy !req
278. Hold on for a second.Copy !req
279. I can explain this
so much better.Copy !req
280. Thelonius Monk.Copy !req
281. He must've fished.Copy !req
282. I mean, look at
that bluff right there.Copy !req
283. Perfect for squares.Copy !req
284. Squares?Copy !req
285. The Hollywood Squares.Copy !req
286. I'm the executive producer.Copy !req
287. Can you imagine Kathie Lee,
Joan and Melissa and DomCopy !req
288. in the giant squares,Copy !req
289. gazing out at all this majesty?Copy !req
290. And all this majesty is
gazing right back at them.Copy !req
291. Well, that's actuallyCopy !req
292. the sort of land-use issue
that I'd like to discuss.Copy !req
293. See, the reason I'm...Copy !req
294. Hank, you and I, we're artists.Copy !req
295. It's our job to bring humanityCopy !req
296. and nature closer together.Copy !req
297. Look, I'm not an artist
and I'm not from Hollywood.Copy !req
298. I'm from Arlen, Texas.Copy !req
299. Oh, my God, I adore Austin.Copy !req
300. Arlen!Copy !req
301. Dad, have you seen Bobby?Copy !req
302. Well, the way I figure it,Copy !req
303. the grass on a prairie...Copy !req
304. Oh, there he is.Copy !req
305. Hey, Mom.Copy !req
306. This is Tennessee.Copy !req
307. Yeah, that's nice. Look, Bobby,Copy !req
308. we've got to pack up
and get out of here.Copy !req
309. Oh. Okay.Copy !req
310. Well, I guess I'll
be seeing you.Copy !req
311. Did you clean his hooves?Copy !req
312. That's one of the
most important partsCopy !req
313. of grooming a horse.Copy !req
314. Oh.Copy !req
315. Next time, I guess.Copy !req
316. Are you sure he won't mind?Copy !req
317. Honey, he weighs
a thousand pounds.Copy !req
318. To him, you're like a hat.Copy !req
319. Don't slouch.Copy !req
320. Straighten up your back.Copy !req
321. That's right.Copy !req
322. Now go ahead, give himCopy !req
323. a little squeeze
with your heels.Copy !req
324. Hey. We're going.Copy !req
325. Tennessee, you're a genius.Copy !req
326. So if you'd be willing to openCopy !req
327. that trail for just
a few days a year,Copy !req
328. it would make
all the difference.Copy !req
329. Hank, have you ever seen the
movie A River Runs Through It?Copy !req
330. Can you imagine if cows
just tromped across that river,Copy !req
331. getting all tangled up
in the fly-fishing lines?Copy !req
332. Now that would
be an awful movie.Copy !req
333. Uh-huh. Well, the
river's over thereCopy !req
334. and the cattle trail
is way over there.Copy !req
335. So it seems like you couldCopy !req
336. let the cattle throughCopy !req
337. without much of a problem.Copy !req
338. Excuse me. It would
be a serious problem.Copy !req
339. Cows have very dirty feet.Copy !req
340. They walk through poo,Copy !req
341. and they could track
giardia microbesCopy !req
342. onto the land, which
could wash into the riverCopy !req
343. and contaminate the fish.Copy !req
344. If there's no fish, Hank,Copy !req
345. then what am I
washing my brain with?Copy !req
346. Look, cows and fish have
gotten along fine for centuries.Copy !req
347. Hank, sure I could
open the cattle road,Copy !req
348. and tomorrow there
would be steak,Copy !req
349. but someday our children will
ask us, "Where are the trees?"Copy !req
350. What they'll ask is, "Where's
the got dang steak?"Copy !req
351. Enjoy your celebrityCopy !req
352. cocktail hour, Mr. Hollywood?Copy !req
353. Dang it! I am sick and tiredCopy !req
354. of everyone's asinine
ideas about me.Copy !req
355. I am not some redneckCopy !req
356. and I'm not a Hollywood jerk!Copy !req
357. I'm something else entirely.Copy !req
358. I'm... I'm complicated.Copy !req
359. Mom! I did it!Copy !req
360. Ho-yeah!Copy !req
361. Peggy, let's go home.Copy !req
362. I've had it with Henry Winkler,Copy !req
363. and I've had it with your familyCopy !req
364. and this got dang ranch.Copy !req
365. Hank, are you insane?Copy !req
366. Look at that.Copy !req
367. Dang that Henry Winkler.Copy !req
368. This should've been the
best moment of my life,Copy !req
369. and I can't even enjoy it.Copy !req
370. Look how happy he is.Copy !req
371. Ah. It reminds me
of myself at his age.Copy !req
372. But I thought you said
you were never happy here.Copy !req
373. I just let my awful
memories of MomCopy !req
374. cloud my good memories
of growing up here.Copy !req
375. Well, that's nice.Copy !req
376. Anyway, if we hurry,
we can get the 5:45Copy !req
377. flight to Dallas.Copy !req
378. We can't leave now.Copy !req
379. Maybe I didn't marry
Sven Grammersdorf,Copy !req
380. but I can still save this ranch.Copy !req
381. Sven Grammersdorf?Copy !req
382. What about our
neighbors to the east?Copy !req
383. Don't they have
an old cattle trail?Copy !req
384. You mean the Fondas?Copy !req
385. Hey, there's that
old white-haired fellaCopy !req
386. just up to the north.Copy !req
387. Looked like he'd spent
some years working outdoors.Copy !req
388. Has he got a trail?Copy !req
389. Larry David? Good luck.Copy !req
390. Got dang it!Copy !req
391. Forget it, Peggy.Copy !req
392. This place ain't about
agriculture anymore.Copy !req
393. The Hollywood folks
changed the landscapeCopy !req
394. and they've changed the laws.Copy !req
395. "Ordinance of 1857...Copy !req
396. if an act of God
or other adverse..."Copy !req
397. Typical.Copy !req
398. You're on vacation for two days,Copy !req
399. and you can't stay
away from your books.Copy !req
400. Uh, Peggy, are you
sure this isn't, uh,Copy !req
401. you know, a pretty
darned bad idea?Copy !req
402. Don't you worry.Copy !req
403. I know what I'm doing
and it is going to work.Copy !req
404. You both remember the plan.Copy !req
405. Bobby, you stay by me.Copy !req
406. Hank, bring up the rear.Copy !req
407. Let's ride!Copy !req
408. Look, Mommy.Copy !req
409. Moo cow!Copy !req
410. Ma'am, what are you
doing with a herd of cattleCopy !req
411. on a public thoroughfare?Copy !req
412. We're heading to the mountains.Copy !req
413. We're taking the long routeCopy !req
414. because our cattle
trail has been blockedCopy !req
415. by Henry Winkler.Copy !req
416. Oh, come on!Copy !req
417. I've got people
coming for brunch!Copy !req
418. Ma'am, I'm sorry you're having
a dispute with your neighbors,Copy !req
419. but you can't take
it out on the town.Copy !req
420. These folks are just trying
to enjoy their vacation.Copy !req
421. Well, then, here's some
vacation reading for them.Copy !req
422. Article 32c from the
Osage County Charter.Copy !req
423. "Should a dedicated cattle
road become impassable,Copy !req
424. "Main Street can serve
as a temporary passCopy !req
425. until such time as
said road reopens."Copy !req
426. This law was made
more than 100 years ago.Copy !req
427. It doesn't have any meaning now.Copy !req
428. Well, it means
plenty to us, sir.Copy !req
429. So we'll be driving
cattle right through here,Copy !req
430. 50 head at a time,Copy !req
431. until we've got all 2,000
head up in the mountains.Copy !req
432. Unless Mr. Winkler
would like to yield his road.Copy !req
433. Stampede!Copy !req
434. Yee-ha!Copy !req
435. Yeah, dogies!Copy !req
436. Hank, you crazy cowboy!Copy !req
437. What the hell are
you guys doing?Copy !req
438. Well, right about now,
I'm trying not to die.Copy !req
439. Lift up off the saddle.Copy !req
440. You won't bounce as much!Copy !req
441. Can you believe I
got Henry WinklerCopy !req
442. to open up this trail?Copy !req
443. So what do you think, Mom?Copy !req
444. Peggy Hill:Copy !req
445. Educator, Mother, Rancher.Copy !req
446. You were just fixing the mess
you made in the first place.Copy !req
447. And half them
cattle in the driveCopy !req
448. wasn't branded yet.Copy !req
449. We could've lost
'em to rustlers.Copy !req
450. Peggy, check this out.Copy !req
451. Hey, where are you going?Copy !req
452. To finish the work around here.Copy !req
453. I will castrate, vaccinate,
dehorn and brandCopy !req
454. every steer in the herd,Copy !req
455. by myself!Copy !req
456. Peggy, that's crazy.Copy !req
457. I don't care!Copy !req
458. I'm not stopping until
my mother sees that I'm...Copy !req
459. Well, I just thought
that if I saved the ranch,Copy !req
460. it would finally make
Mom proud of me.Copy !req
461. But it didn't!Copy !req
462. I'm sorry, Peggy.Copy !req
463. If saving the ranch didn't
change anything between you two,Copy !req
464. nothing's gonna.Copy !req
465. Well, then what did
we come here for?Copy !req
466. What was the point of this wholeCopy !req
467. stupid, stupid,
stupid, stupid trip?Copy !req
468. Hello there.Copy !req
469. Mr. Winkler here
would like you to knowCopy !req
470. that it was always his intentionCopy !req
471. to let the Platters'
cattle use his trail.Copy !req
472. Because cattle, like jazz music,Copy !req
473. feed the soul of America.Copy !req
474. And that, uh, if all the
leaders of the worldCopy !req
475. would just fish together,Copy !req
476. the planet would
live in harmony.Copy !req
477. Thank you, Hank.Copy !req
478. Sven Grammersdorf?Copy !req