King of the Hill 9x1

1. She said, "No, Mrs. Hill,

2. this is advanced placement Latin."

3. And I said, "Well then, what's Latin for 'my bad?'"

4. Mom, you kill me.

5. Hello.

6. Yes… Right…

7. Okay, fine, then.

8. Thank you.

9. - Telemarketer? - No. It was my mother.

10. Your mother?

11. - Wow, what's it been, 20 years? - Mm-hmm.

12. Well, what did she say?

13. She wants us to come to the ranch this weekend.

14. In Montana?

15. - Mm-hmm. - Really?

16. Do you think you could knock it off with all the personal questions, Hank?

17. All you ever do is grill me about my emotional life,

18. pushing and prodding me to talk about my feelings.

19. It's like living with Barbara freakin' Walters.

20. The nerve. She spends my whole childhood criticizing me,

21. and my whole adulthood ignoring me.

22. Now she wants me to visit? What for?

23. Well, I know it's unpleasant,

24. but have you considered that she might be, uh,

25. you know… dying?

26. No chance.

27. Dying is not her style.

28. That would be a sign of weakness.

29. You know, I think this not-having-contact-with-your-mother thing

30. might have a downside.

31. Don't be ridiculous. It's been great.

32. I think you've allowed your imagination to run wild.

33. In your head, your mom's become some kind of crazy evil spirit

34. with the power of eternal life.

35. But really, she's just an old, tired, cattle-rancher woman

36. who misses her daughter,

37. and wants to make peace.

38. That's why she called you tonight.

39. Yep. That old cow's just looking for her calf.

40. My God, Hank. Of course.

41. You really are an emotional genius, aren't you?

42. You really are my Barbara Walters.

43. I've been waiting 20 years for this trip.

44. Montana. It even sounds rugged.

45. I almost threw up once in Montana.

46. I made it to Idaho.

47. Making it out of the car would have been the real accomplishment.

48. So I've already decided.

49. This is where Bobby will spend his summers.

50. Every fall, he'll come back taller and hardier

51. and maybe, maybe just a little bit quieter.

52. Well, I better go pack.

53. Whoa, Boomhauer, you're taking this well.

54. Purple mountain's majesty.

55. Is there anything fun to do around here?

56. Bobby, there's nowhere more fun in all of America.

57. They've got horses and tractors,

58. and people who know how to grow their own food

59. and fix their own roofs.

60. You want fun?

61. You're standing in a five-ring circus of simplicity and self-reliance.

62. Uh-oh.

63. Uh, that's your rental there in space 62.

64. No, no, that's one of those Rovers.

65. - I'm supposed to have a pickup. - We're all out.

66. But this is a nicer vehicle,

67. and you'll get the same price as the pickup.

68. Uh-huh, but I'm not interested in hav…

69. It's the only car we have right now.

70. This is the most beautiful got-dang sight I have ever seen.

71. Oh, my God. There's Mom.

72. You know, I wasn't completely sure until now,

73. but you were right, Hank.

74. I mean, look at her. Look at the way she moves.

75. That is a different woman than the one I grew up with.

76. Yes. There's a tenderness now.

77. I can see it.

78. Hank, thank you for making me do this.

79. Oh.

80. Oh, Mom.

81. What?

82. So, Mom, at the risk of boasting,

83. I've become quite a little success.

84. I won the Substitute Teacher of the Year Award, three years in a row.

85. Well, how about that?

86. What was your subject,

87. "How To Avoid A Life of Working With Your Hands"?

88. No, it was Spanish.

89. Uh-huh. What do you think about it, Doc?

90. You ever have a use for a substitute teacher?

91. Well…

92. I suppose I can't tell you much that them mountains can't tell you better.

93. What's Grandpa talking about?

94. It didn't make any sense.

95. That's the talk of an old cowboy, son.

96. And you'll see someday,

97. it's the only kind of talk that does make sense.

98. She's just as cold and mean and critical as she ever was.

99. Ugh, this is so hard.

100. Hank, you can never let me become my mother.

101. Bobby, from this day forward,

102. - I will coddle you. - All right.

103. Morning, fellas.

104. Thought I'd give you guys a hand today.

105. If you like.

106. Are you sure you wouldn't rather just polish your Rover or something?

107. Oh, believe me, I didn't want it.

108. I asked for a pickup, but that was all they had.

109. Whatever you say, Hollywood.

110. So, uh, what are we doing first?

111. He's got the lump jaw. Gotta drain the abscess.

112. We're gonna need another bucket.

113. Mom, I know that you and I have some real talking to do…

114. See that cow over there?

115. She's calving.

116. It's coming out backwards.

117. Tie her head to the wall, keep her still.

118. - I'm on it. - And hold my wedding ring.

119. All right, I got the chains on.

120. Get back here and help me pull.

121. One, two, three… go.

122. He's out!

123. Oh, will you look at that.

124. It has been a long time since I've seen that sight.

125. I see it hundreds of times a year and it never stops amazing me.

126. Can you believe it's been 20 years,

127. and I still calved a breech without missing a beat?

128. That's cause you did what I told you.

129. If you'd been out on the range by yourself,

130. that calf would still be in there.

131. You ruined my childhood.

132. Oh, it's all about you, isn't it?

133. Why didn't you ever do one damn thing I asked you to?

134. Why didn't you marry that boy from across the road?

135. Sven Grammersdorf?

136. The alfalfa farmer's son?

137. He was a decent man from good stock.

138. Well, I did not have feelings for him, Mom.

139. No one asked you to.

140. We were trying to run a ranch, not a "feelings" factory.

141. If you'd married Sven, we'd be doing all right.

142. But you ran away. And now we're all paying for it.

143. What are you talking about?

144. I invited you here so you could take a last look at your childhood home.

145. We're losing the ranch.

146. Wha… You're losing the ranch?

147. Well, I… I don't know what to say.

148. How about "sorry"? It's all your fault.

149. You and people like Henry Winkler.

150. Henry Winkler?

151. Howdy.

152. The Fonz?

153. So, how's it going with your mom?

154. We're losing the ranch.

155. - What? - Mm-hmm.

156. Oh, and that's Henry Winkler.

157. Howdy.

158. What the hell is going on around here?

159. See that trail leading up into the mountains?

160. That's where we send the cows every April.

161. - For spring grazing, right? - Yep.

162. See, it's not legally our property.

163. The Grammersdorfs kindly shared it with us for 50 years,

164. but their boy, Sven, moved to Seattle, so they sold the place to Henry Winkler,

165. and he won't let us use the trail.

166. Cows were supposed to head up there this week.

167. Thanks to old man Winkler, they've got nowhere to go.

168. Well, why would a guy like him even be living out here?

169. All you Hollywood folks are moving here.

170. You burn out on city life,

171. you come out here, see all this wide-open space,

172. and you start making fancy pizzas.

173. Fellows, look, you have every right to be mad,

174. but for the record, I'm not from Hollywood.

175. I'm from Arlen, Texas.

176. Arlen. New York. Hollywood.

177. Well, why don't you just rent the trail from Henry Winkler?

178. We're broke.

179. You Hollywood folks made property taxes skyrocket.

180. You got any more questions, Stevie Spielberg?

181. Dang it, I am not Steven Spielberg.

182. Well, I respectfully disagree.

183. And then he told me that you can't even buy groceries in town anymore.

184. It's all been taken over by gourmet restaurants

185. and…

186. …day spas.

187. Yeah, well, that's progress, I guess.

188. What do you mean? Aren't you upset by this?

189. I cannot wait to wave a last goodbye to this place.

190. What about this saddle?

191. Are you telling me this doesn't bring back any good memories?

192. Of course. It reminds me of Missoula,

193. my old gelding horse.

194. Mom made me castrate him myself.

195. Man, this place is boring.

196. Nothing happens here.

197. I'm gonna try to sleep for two days straight.

198. I hope this batterylasts the weekend.

199. Oh, hello.

200. You want some candy, huh?

201. Well, I don't blame you.

202. I've had hay.

203. Doc, I heard about what's happening and it breaks my heart.

204. Well…

205. I never could figure what the sky was thinking,

206. but the soil, she don't keep too many secrets.

207. I will never forget you, Doc Platter.

208. Dang it.

209. I'm not gonna let this happen.

210. Well, hi, there.

211. I don't know you but I'd absolutely love that to change.

212. - I'm Henry. - Hank Hill.

213. Uh, I'm just up the road, and I, uh, thought I'd come by for a friendly visit.

214. Hank, I love that.

215. That is so… "the West."

216. I wish the whole world would stop by

217. for a friendly visit.

218. Oh, God.

219. So, uh…

220. - Henry, the reason I'm here… - Shh.

221. Don't you love how peaceful it is here?

222. You know, back in LA, my brain just gets… it gets muddy.

223. The agents and the lawyers

224. and the paparazzi, they walk into my skull, and they…

225. they get dirt in there, you know what I mean?

226. - Well, I'm not sure if I… - That's why I fish.

227. Well, hey, I fish, too.

228. Then you understand.

229. You know, I always say that fishing is like a washing machine for your brain.

230. It's so deliciously Zen.

231. Uh, I think I might do a different kind of fishing.

232. Oh, you know what?

233. Hold on for a second. I can explain this so much better.

234. Thelonius Monk.

235. He must've fished.

236. I mean, look at that bluff right there.

237. Perfect for squares.

238. - Squares? - The Hollywood Squares.

239. I'm the executive producer.

240. Can you imagine Kathie Lee, Joan and Melissa

241. and Dom in the giant squares,

242. gazing out at all this majesty?

243. And all this majesty is gazing right back at them.

244. Well, that's actually

245. the sort of land-use issue that I'd like to discuss.

246. - See, the reason I'm… - Hank, you and I, we're artists.

247. It's our job to bring humanity and nature closer together.

248. Look, I'm not an artist and I'm not from Hollywood.

249. I'm from Arlen, Texas.

250. Oh, my God, I adore Austin.

251. Arlen.

252. Dad, have you seen Bobby?

253. Well, the way I figure it,

254. - the grass on a prairie… - Oh, there he is.

255. Hey, Mom.

256. This is Tennessee.

257. Yeah, that's nice. Look, Bobby, we've got to pack up and get out of here.

258. Oh. Okay.

259. Well, I guess I'll be seeing you.

260. Did you clean his hooves?

261. That's one of the most important parts of grooming a horse.

262. Oh. Next time, I guess.

263. Are you sure he won't mind?

264. Honey, he weighs a thousand pounds. To him, you're like a hat.

265. Don't slouch. Straighten up your back. That's right.

266. Now go ahead, give him a little squeeze with your heels.

267. Hey. We're going.

268. Tennessee, you're a genius.

269. So if you'd be willing to open that trail for just a few days a year,

270. it would make all the difference.

271. Hank, have you ever seen the movie A River Runs Through It?

272. Can you imagine if cows just tromped across that river,

273. getting all tangled up in the fly-fishing lines?

274. Now that would be an awful movie.

275. Uh-huh. Well, the river's over there and the cattle trail is way over there.

276. So it seems like you could let the cattle through

277. without much of a problem.

278. Excuse me. It would be a serious problem.

279. Cows have very dirty feet.

280. They walk through poo,

281. and they could track giardia microbes onto the land,

282. which could wash into the river and contaminate the fish.

283. If there's no fish, Hank, then what am I washing my brain with?

284. Look, cows and fish have gotten along fine for centuries.

285. Hank, sure I could open the cattle road and tomorrow there would be steak,

286. but someday, our children will ask us, "Where are the trees?"

287. What they'll ask is, "Where's the got dang steak?"

288. Enjoy your celebrity cocktail hour, Mr. Hollywood?

289. Dang it. I am sick and tired of everyone's asinine ideas about me.

290. I am not some redneck

291. and I'm not a Hollywood jerk.

292. I'm something else entirely.

293. I'm… I'm complicated.

294. Mom. I did it.

295. Ho-yeah.

296. Peggy, let's go home.

297. I've had it with Henry Winkler,

298. and I've had it with your family and this got dang ranch.

299. Hank, are you insane? Look at that.

300. Dang that Henry Winkler.

301. This should've been the best moment of my life,

302. and I can't even enjoy it.

303. Look how happy he is.

304. Ah. It reminds me of myself at his age.

305. But I thought you said you were never happy here.

306. I just let my awful memories of Mom cloud my good memories of growing up here.

307. Well, that's nice.

308. Anyway, if we hurry, we can get the 5:45 flight to Dallas.

309. We can't leave now.

310. Maybe I didn't marry Sven Grammersdorf,

311. but I can still save this ranch.

312. Sven Grammersdorf?

313. What about our neighbors to the east?

314. Don't they have an old cattle trail?

315. You mean the Fondas?

316. Hey, there's that old white-haired fella just up to the north.

317. Looked like he'd spent some years working outdoors.

318. Has he got a trail?

319. Larry David? Good luck.

320. Got dang it.

321. Forget it, Peggy.

322. This place ain't about agriculture anymore.

323. The Hollywood folks changed the landscape

324. and they've changed the laws.

325. "Ordinance of 1857.

326. If an act of God or other adverse…"

327. Typical. You're on vacation for two days,

328. and you can't stay away from your books.

329. Uh, Peggy, are you sure this isn't, uh, you know, a pretty darned bad idea?

330. Don't you worry. I know what I'm doing and it is going to work.

331. You both remember the plan.

332. Bobby, you stay by me. Hank, bring up the rear.

333. Let's ride.

334. Look, Mommy.

335. Moo cow.

336. Ma'am, what are you doing with a herd of cattle

337. on a public thoroughfare?

338. We're heading to the mountains.

339. We're taking the long route

340. because our cattle trail has been blocked by Henry Winkler.

341. Oh, come on.

342. I've got people coming for brunch.

343. Ma'am, I'm sorry you're having a dispute with your neighbors,

344. but you can't take it out on the town.

345. These folks are just trying to enjoy their vacation.

346. Well, then, here's some vacation reading for them.

347. Article 32C from the Osage County Charter.

348. "Should a dedicated cattle road become impassable,

349. Main Street can serve as a temporary pass

350. until such time as said road reopens."

351. This law was made more than 100 years ago. It doesn't have any meaning now.

352. Well, it means plenty to us, sir.

353. So we'll be driving cattle right through here,

354. 50 head at a time,

355. until we've got all 2,000 head up in the mountains.

356. Unless Mr. Winkler would like to yield his road.

357. Stampede!

358. Yee-ha!

359. Yeah, dogies.

360. Hank, you crazy cowboy. What the hell are you guys doing?

361. Well, right about now, I'm trying not to die.

362. Lift up off the saddle. You won't bounce as much.

363. Can you believe I got Henry Winkler to open up this trail?

364. So what do you think, Mom? Peggy Hill.

365. Educator, mother, rancher.

366. You were just fixing the mess you made in the first place.

367. And half them cattle in the drive wasn't branded yet.

368. We could've lost 'em to rustlers.

369. Peggy, check this out.

370. - Hey, where are you going? - To finish the work around here.

371. I will castrate, vaccinate, dehorn and brand

372. every steer in the herd, by myself.

373. Peggy, that's crazy.

374. I don't care.

375. I'm not stopping until my mother sees that I'm…

376. Well, I just thought that if I saved the ranch,

377. it would finally make Mom proud of me.

378. But it didn't.

379. I'm sorry, Peggy.

380. If saving the ranch didn't change anything between you two,

381. nothing's gonna.

382. Well, then what did we come here for?

383. What was the point of this whole stupid, stupid, stupid, stupid trip?

384. Hello there.

385. Mr. Winkler here would like you to know

386. that it was always his intention to let the Platters' cattle use his trail.

387. Because cattle, like jazz music, feed the soul of America.

388. And that, uh, if all the leaders of the world

389. would just fish together,

390. the planet would live in harmony.

391. Thank you, Hank.

392. Sven Grammersdorf?