1. Hey, guys,
how do I look on this one?Copy !req
2. Huh?Copy !req
3. We're not here to joyride
the toilets, Dale.Copy !req
4. If you can't get enough funCopy !req
5. out of helping me buy new handle bushings,Copy !req
6. there is something
seriously wrong with you.Copy !req
7. Hey, Hank Hill.Copy !req
8. What were you doing in plumbing aisle?Copy !req
9. Need new crescent moon stencilCopy !req
10. for outhouse?Copy !req
11. I'm doing home improvements, Kahn.Copy !req
12. Bah! Trying to improve your homeCopy !req
13. like putting lingerie on a monkey.Copy !req
14. Better to save up
all your dog-fighting moneyCopy !req
15. and buy ticket to Arlen Parade of Homes.Copy !req
16. I'll have you knowCopy !req
17. that my house is part of Texas history.Copy !req
18. Yep. It was built by the great-grandsonCopy !req
19. of Captain T. Anderson KearneyCopy !req
20. who fired the first shot
at the Battle of Gonzalez.Copy !req
21. Hey, maybe I should enter my house
in the Parade of Homes.Copy !req
22. Hey, who forgot
to change the toilet paper?Copy !req
23. You know,
this closet would look a lot biggerCopy !req
24. if you took out my shoes
and replaced them with Nancy's.Copy !req
25. Well, we don't need
any Hollywood special effectsCopy !req
26. for people to see what
a great house we've got.Copy !req
27. Hey, maybe we can put.Copy !req
28. T. Anderson Kearney's brass
boot remover by the door.Copy !req
29. Kind of an exclamation point
for when people leave the room.Copy !req
30. Talkin' about ol' house beautiful, man.Copy !req
31. Talking' 'bout dang ol'
swim-up no bed pool, man.Copy !req
32. Talkin' 'bout just like
dang ol' Wilt the Stilt, man,Copy !req
33. see no double teams in his day, man.Copy !req
34. Well, thanks, Boomhauer.Copy !req
35. I just hope the people
on the Parade of HomesCopy !req
36. say the same thing.Copy !req
37. Welcome to the Bobby Hill Room.Copy !req
38. No flash photography
on the trolls, please.Copy !req
39. Uh, hey, uh, Bobby, you know
what might spruce this room up?Copy !req
40. A nice display case
for your troll action figures,Copy !req
41. with solid wood doors.Copy !req
42. You know, so people won't
be tempted to steal them.Copy !req
43. Okay.Copy !req
44. Um, aren't they called troll dolls?Copy !req
45. Yes.Copy !req
46. Now, watch closely, Bobby.Copy !req
47. This house is going to be yours someday,Copy !req
48. and you're gonna need to know
how to take care of it.Copy !req
49. Can you hammer in a nail
with a single blow?Copy !req
50. This isn't a circus, Bobby.Copy !req
51. But I could.Copy !req
52. Dad, help me!Copy !req
53. Help me! I'm drowning!Copy !req
54. Huh?Copy !req
55. Oh, Bobby,
you'd had such a good few years.Copy !req
56. It wasn't me. The wall's leaking.Copy !req
57. Good Lord,Copy !req
58. it looks like it's coming
right out of the stud.Copy !req
59. It's okay.Copy !req
60. It's okay, babies. Daddy's here.Copy !req
61. Now, let's get you
out of these wet clothes.Copy !req
62. What kind ofCopy !req
63. a sick bastard runs a water pipe
through a studCopy !req
64. without installing a nail guard?Copy !req
65. I don't know!Copy !req
66. Well, the water damage looks pretty minor.Copy !req
67. Yeah, at Lone Star Home and Casualty
we see some doozies.Copy !req
68. The Matthew McConaughey
"water weenie" claim comes to mind.Copy !req
69. Yeah, well, about my wall…Copy !req
70. Don't worry, Mr. Hill.Copy !req
71. We'll hire someone to come in here
and get this wall fixed upCopy !req
72. before that Parade of Homes tour.Copy !req
73. Uh, I don't really like
strangers touching my walls.Copy !req
74. Maybe you could just pay me,Copy !req
75. and I'll get the supplies
and fix it myself.Copy !req
76. Sorry, but company regulations requireCopy !req
77. we use licensed and bonded contractors.Copy !req
78. But I can absolutely assure you
they do a first-rate job.Copy !req
79. Okay.Copy !req
80. Now, would you like to be tested for mold
while we're at it?Copy !req
81. We usually do one after
any type of water damage.Copy !req
82. Won't cost you anything.Copy !req
83. I guess. Sure, go ahead.Copy !req
84. Excuse me.Copy !req
85. Do I need to file a claim for my loss?Copy !req
86. Yeah, uhCopy !req
87. you're gonna have to give those
to the insurance companyCopy !req
88. so they can assess them properly.Copy !req
89. I'm sure you know what to do with them.Copy !req
90. Don't leave any excess
joint compound on the threads,Copy !req
91. and always wipe the pipes downCopy !req
92. when you're done as a courtesy
to the next plumber.Copy !req
93. Now, let's see
if that outlet needs rewiring.Copy !req
94. I'll do it.Copy !req
95. Just, uh, hand me that voltmeter.Copy !req
96. Hi, I'm Steve Goodman.Copy !req
97. I'm here to check the room for mold.Copy !req
98. Huh, so that's what
you use to test for it.Copy !req
99. Boy, I've never seen one of those before.Copy !req
100. You think I could give it a try, Steve?Copy !req
101. Nope.Copy !req
102. I'm done here.Copy !req
103. Okay, who wants to turn off
the circuit breaker?Copy !req
104. Too late. I call it.Copy !req
105. Now, remember, Hank,Copy !req
106. the Parade of Homes is not a competition.Copy !req
107. But this is what we're up against.Copy !req
108. That's pretty nice
for new construction.Copy !req
109. Can I… help you?Copy !req
110. Uh, yeah, we're in the Parade of Homes
next week, too.Copy !req
111. Hank Hill, single-story, ranch-style.Copy !req
112. We were just admiring your place.Copy !req
113. Nice shutters.Copy !req
114. Well, thanks.Copy !req
115. That means a lot coming
from another parader.Copy !req
116. Still trying to get the place
looking presentable.Copy !req
117. It's funny, I spent my whole lifeCopy !req
118. dreaming about owning my own house.Copy !req
119. Now all I dream about is the next thingCopy !req
120. that needs to be painted
or polished or replaced.Copy !req
121. I love those dreams.Copy !req
122. I hate to toot my own horn,Copy !req
123. but this wall looks pretty good.Copy !req
124. Let's enjoy it now before Bobby puts upCopy !req
125. that poster of babies
dressed as strawberries.Copy !req
126. Hank, it's our first looky-loo.Copy !req
127. - Okay, be cool.
- I'm cool.Copy !req
128. Welcome.Copy !req
129. Knocks pretty nice, doesn't she?Copy !req
130. That's solid oak hardwood.Copy !req
131. No pressed filler there.Copy !req
132. - Now notice the…
- Whoa, whoa, whoa!Copy !req
133. You might wanna save that
for someone who's not on the clock.Copy !req
134. I'm Rob Holguin, Techno-Pure.Copy !req
135. Your insurance company sent me.Copy !req
136. Oh, uh, Hank Hill. What can I do for you?Copy !req
137. You can put your hand down
and step two feet away from me.Copy !req
138. - You may be contaminated.
- What?Copy !req
139. Your house has tested positive for mold.Copy !req
140. - Aah!
- Yeah.Copy !req
141. Uh, you might not wanna take
such deep breaths.Copy !req
142. I've got mold?Copy !req
143. Well, that can't…Copy !req
144. I mean, how does…Copy !req
145. God, is it hot in here?Copy !req
146. I'm really hot.Copy !req
147. Uh, Mrs. Hill, maybe you
could get him a chair.Copy !req
148. I'm going to make
a small exploratory incisionCopy !req
149. so I can have a little look-see here.Copy !req
150. Thar she blows!Copy !req
151. My great green whale, aspergillus.Copy !req
152. You're lucky you caught this leak early
before this mold really spread.Copy !req
153. I've got green stuff inside my walls,
and I'm lucky?Copy !req
154. Relax, Mr. Hill.Copy !req
155. Rob Holguin is gonna do
everything it takesCopy !req
156. to get rid of this mold,Copy !req
157. and you're insurance
is gonna pick up the tab.Copy !req
158. Everything from frictional irrigationCopy !req
159. with a concentrated chlorine solution,Copy !req
160. to forced atmospheric dehydration.Copy !req
161. So wait. You're saying
you're gonna rub it with bleachCopy !req
162. and then blow it dry?Copy !req
163. Well, in layman's terms, yes.Copy !req
164. Well, I've got some bleach and a fan.
I could probably do it myself.Copy !req
165. Every jokerCopy !req
166. with a bottle of Clorox and a Vornado
thinks he's an expert.Copy !req
167. Look, unless the job is done
by a certified mold expert,Copy !req
168. such as myself,Copy !req
169. your insurance company
will drop you like, well…Copy !req
170. I'd drop this,
but then there'd be mold on your floor.Copy !req
171. Hank, let him do it.Copy !req
172. He's a professional.Copy !req
173. Can you guys get it done in two days?Copy !req
174. This house is on the Parade of Homes.Copy !req
175. This is the kind of thing
they take a picture ofCopy !req
176. and put it on their blooper reel.Copy !req
177. Well, lucky for you,
aspergillus is my specialty.Copy !req
178. I should have it
calling me daddy in no time.Copy !req
179. So are we okay to stay here like this?Copy !req
180. Okay?Copy !req
181. Well, that's a medical question,
Mrs. Hill.Copy !req
182. I'm not a medical doctor.Copy !req
183. Now, I'll need you both
to sign this waiverCopy !req
184. which certifies I've informed you
that's a medical question,Copy !req
185. and I'm not a medical doctor.Copy !req
186. Hank, listen to this.Copy !req
187. "Mold has been known
to cause itchiness, asthma,Copy !req
188. chronic fatigue, and disorientation."Copy !req
189. Bobby, quick,
what's your middle name, huh?Copy !req
190. When's my birthday?Copy !req
191. Here, follow my finger.Copy !req
192. Your birthday is… I don't know!Copy !req
193. Hank, the mold's got him!Copy !req
194. Help me, Dad!Copy !req
195. Oh, will you two just calm down?Copy !req
196. Now, it's just a little patch of mold.Copy !req
197. We'll let Holguin do his job,Copy !req
198. and everything will be fine.Copy !req
199. And the boy never knew
your birthday, Peggy.Copy !req
200. He always just piggybacked on my card.Copy !req
201. Yep.Copy !req
202. Yep.Copy !req
203. Mm-hmm.Copy !req
204. Yep.Copy !req
205. Dale, take that dang thing off.Copy !req
206. We're perfectly safe here in the alley.Copy !req
207. Heck, we'd all be perfectly safe
if we slept in Bobby's room.Copy !req
208. A sleep-over?Copy !req
209. I'll get my jammies.Copy !req
210. Don't let him in, Hank.Copy !req
211. With his foot fungus,Copy !req
212. he'd just be tracking
more mold into the house.Copy !req
213. That area between his toesCopy !req
214. is as rich and fertile
as the Nile River Delta.Copy !req
215. Can we still have the sleep-over?Copy !req
216. I'll hang my feet out the window.Copy !req
217. Attention,Copy !req
218. mold patient zero.Copy !req
219. I know your house not good enough
for Parade of Home.Copy !req
220. Maybe next month,
Parade of Toxic Waste Dumps.Copy !req
221. What?Copy !req
222. How could we still have mold?Copy !req
223. I thought you said you got rid of it.Copy !req
224. I did, from the leak.Copy !req
225. But there must be a secondary infestation.Copy !req
226. The latest sample from this roomCopy !req
227. showed an airborne mold level
of 500 parts per cubic meter.Copy !req
228. Hmm, nothing.Copy !req
229. What are you doing?Copy !req
230. I can't get rid of this other mold
until I find it, Mr. Hill.Copy !req
231. And insurance regulations requireCopy !req
232. that we reduce the level of mold in hereCopy !req
233. to that found in the air outdoors.Copy !req
234. Four hundred parts per cubic meter.Copy !req
235. Four hundred?Copy !req
236. Bobby, quick, get inside!Copy !req
237. No, no, I mean, stay outside!Copy !req
238. Get… get…Copy !req
239. Get in the carCopy !req
240. and turn on the air conditioner, now!Copy !req
241. Mrs. Hill, Mrs. Hill, it's okay.Copy !req
242. Four hundred parts per cubic meter
is like a fly speck in a Big Gulp cup.Copy !req
243. Wait, wait, it sounds like
there's almost no differenceCopy !req
244. between the air in here
and the air outside.Copy !req
245. What's the problem?Copy !req
246. Uh, I could try and explain it to you,Copy !req
247. but if you want this place ready
in time for that Parade of Homes,Copy !req
248. it would probably make more sense
for me to just do my job.Copy !req
249. Thank God.Copy !req
250. I thought this thing was broken.Copy !req
251. There's the culprit, Alternaria.Copy !req
252. Yeah, you're not so tough nowCopy !req
253. without your buddy Stachybotrys, are you?Copy !req
254. Are you sure that's even mold?Copy !req
255. It could just be an old dust bunny.Copy !req
256. I wish it were a dust bunny.Copy !req
257. In fact, I wish this whole damn wall
were full of real bunnies,Copy !req
258. but this looks like mold
that's been here for 20 years.Copy !req
259. What's on the other side of this wall?Copy !req
260. Our bedroom!Copy !req
261. Remember that night
I thought I heard something,Copy !req
262. and you said it was nothing?Copy !req
263. Well, thank you.Copy !req
264. You just signed my death warrant.Copy !req
265. If we've been sleeping in this room
with mold for 20 years,Copy !req
266. how come we've never had itching or asthmaCopy !req
267. or any of those other problems
we read about?Copy !req
268. Well, that's probably because
the government hasn't foundCopy !req
269. a scientific link between moldCopy !req
270. and any known health problems… yet.Copy !req
271. Then why do you keep
banging holes in my walls?Copy !req
272. Because I'm the hunter,
and mold is my antelope.Copy !req
273. And if I don't bang holes in your wall,Copy !req
274. my conscience bangs holes in my head.Copy !req
275. Holguin here. I need backup.Copy !req
276. I got a bi-room situation
at Rainey Street.Copy !req
277. Hey, scrape that out
more carefully, will you?Copy !req
278. - It's a wall, not a pumpkin.
- Whoa, whoa.Copy !req
279. You're gonna have
to stay out of the hot zone.Copy !req
280. That's both bedrooms and the master bath.Copy !req
281. - But where are we gonna…
- Automatic ice maker.Copy !req
282. Oh, boy.Copy !req
283. What? What, oh, boy?Copy !req
284. Seal off the kitchen.Copy !req
285. Now hold on.Copy !req
286. - This is getting…
- Dog house is hot!Copy !req
287. Aspergillus.Copy !req
288. All right, that does it.Copy !req
289. Everybody out, now.Copy !req
290. Hey, hold on.Copy !req
291. I said stop.Copy !req
292. Mr. Hill,Copy !req
293. I understand you're upset,Copy !req
294. but you really don't want us
out of your house.Copy !req
295. Yes, I do.Copy !req
296. Okay, but if I get on this walkie-talkieCopy !req
297. and call in a Code Charlie,Copy !req
298. my guys'll be out of here
in 36 seconds flat.Copy !req
299. That's how long it'll take for your houseCopy !req
300. - to become worthless.
- What?Copy !req
301. Look, you've been informed
there's mold in this house,Copy !req
302. which means
if you ever wanna sell this property…Copy !req
303. I don't want to sell.Copy !req
304. I plan on passing this house
down to my son.Copy !req
305. "Ooh, goodie gumdrops.Copy !req
306. Thanks, Dad.Copy !req
307. A worthless mold house!"Copy !req
308. Do you have any pet birds, Mr. Hill?Copy !req
309. - No.
- Good.Copy !req
310. Can three family members
share a living roomCopy !req
311. without driving each other crazy?Copy !req
312. Bobby, I've asked you several timesCopy !req
313. to stop making that joke.Copy !req
314. Now, go to your room.Copy !req
315. 18, 19, 20.Copy !req
316. Mr. Hill, you've got to get out.Copy !req
317. Aah! You get out!Copy !req
318. Your whole house is contaminated.Copy !req
319. The neg air environment's
been compromised.Copy !req
320. - The what?
- There's no time to explainCopy !req
321. how it wasn't my fault. Now, move!Copy !req
322. That towel could be filthy with mold.Copy !req
323. Go, go, go, go, go!Copy !req
324. Forget the toys,Copy !req
325. the insurance company
will pay for everything.Copy !req
326. Now move!Copy !req
327. Leave it to you
to make a hospital gown look unsexy, Hank.Copy !req
328. It says 123 Rainey Street.Copy !req
329. This is on the Parade of Homes?Copy !req
330. That can't be right.Copy !req
331. Hank?Copy !req
332. Oh, God, no, the Parade of Homes.Copy !req
333. Is today the fifth?Copy !req
334. Uh…Copy !req
335. This ranch-style rambler,Copy !req
336. with upgrades to the doors
and windows and roofCopy !req
337. uh, was builtCopy !req
338. by the great-grandson of, uh…Copy !req
339. T…Copy !req
340. Smile, Hank.Copy !req
341. I wanna get a picture
of you next to the mold!Copy !req
342. I know, girl, I know.Copy !req
343. Hey, what do you know?Copy !req
344. Erin Brockovich has got mold.Copy !req
345. And Ed McMahon.Copy !req
346. Oh, it killed his dog, Muffin.Copy !req
347. Maybe we'll meet them
at a survivors' group.Copy !req
348. If Lone Star Home and Casualty
is so interested in looking for mold,Copy !req
349. you should start with this room.Copy !req
350. It was growing on the soap.Copy !req
351. I'm afraid there's nothing I can do
about the mold in your hotel, Mr. Hill.Copy !req
352. They don't have
a policy with Lone Star,Copy !req
353. so there's no potential liability
on our end.Copy !req
354. They're arguing again, Hank.Copy !req
355. Or making love.Copy !req
356. You pig!Copy !req
357. Is that what you wanted?Copy !req
358. Making love.Copy !req
359. Uh, hey, yeah.Copy !req
360. You got a busted latch there, neighbors.Copy !req
361. Yeah, anyway, my lady and I were wonderingCopy !req
362. if you'd care to join us
for a Lynchburg Lemonade.Copy !req
363. Uh, thank you,Copy !req
364. but, uh, we were just
about to sit down to dinner.Copy !req
365. Oh, well, cool, cool, no biggie, okay.Copy !req
366. Y'all have a good one.Copy !req
367. There, I invited them!Copy !req
368. You happy now!Copy !req
369. Okay.Copy !req
370. Who's ready for Peggy Hill's
coffee-maker ramen, huh?Copy !req
371. You'd think music that loud
would kill the bugs,Copy !req
372. but it doesn't.Copy !req
373. I tried sleeping
in the empty swimming pool,Copy !req
374. but, you know, the dogs.Copy !req
375. Can I just go home?Copy !req
376. I promise I'll put on
one of those space suits.Copy !req
377. Dangit, Bobby.Copy !req
378. If T. Anderson Kearney could fight
to give Texans a home,Copy !req
379. then I can fight to get yours back.Copy !req
380. Rob Holguin is gonna need
to use this boot remover on his assCopy !req
381. when I'm done with him.Copy !req
382. Hello,
I'd like to speak to Mr. Holguin.Copy !req
383. Sorry, he's at lunch.Copy !req
384. Can I take a message?Copy !req
385. You don't have enough room on
that "While You Were Out" slipCopy !req
386. for what I have to say.Copy !req
387. All right, Holguin,
I'm through with your…Copy !req
388. Hey, hey, you're that mold tester guy,
Mr. Goodman.Copy !req
389. Well, what… what are
you two doing together?Copy !req
390. Hey, guys.Copy !req
391. They just put all the stuff out
for make your own sundaes.Copy !req
392. My insurance adjuster?Copy !req
393. This is ridiculous.Copy !req
394. You're all in on this scam together,
aren't you?Copy !req
395. All you guys care about is money.Copy !req
396. Okay, fine.Copy !req
397. How much to get rid of you?Copy !req
398. Is that a Cirrus machine?Copy !req
399. Yeah, but it'll only let you
take out $300 a day.Copy !req
400. That's just not gonna cut it.Copy !req
401. Nope, not when you got
a deal as sweet as ours.Copy !req
402. Heck, I could throw
a dart at the phone bookCopy !req
403. and I bet you the house I hit
would test positive for mold.Copy !req
404. And the phone book, too.Copy !req
405. Say that other thing you say, Rob.Copy !req
406. You know, the… the "Yee-hah."Copy !req
407. Oh, yeah. "Yee-hah!Copy !req
408. There's gold in them there walls!"Copy !req
409. Excuse me, sir.Copy !req
410. I'm looking for no pest stripsCopy !req
411. for both crawling and flying pests.Copy !req
412. The motel I'm staying at
is a little dreary,Copy !req
413. so if you have the ones
that look, you know,Copy !req
414. a little festive, that'd be good.Copy !req
415. Oh, hell, yeah.Copy !req
416. Dude, we got ones with snowflakes,Copy !req
417. we got ones with burros on them…Copy !req
418. I mean, they're all pretty beautiful.Copy !req
419. I'm coming.Copy !req
420. Morning, Mr. Holguin.Copy !req
421. I was wondering if we could have a word.Copy !req
422. Sure, come on in.Copy !req
423. I'd love to show you
my new flat-screen TV.Copy !req
424. Just got it.Copy !req
425. So, Mr. Holguin,
I thought I'd come over hereCopy !req
426. and ask you one more time, politely,Copy !req
427. to please leave my house alone.Copy !req
428. Sorry, Mr. Hill,
but I just ordered a new couch.Copy !req
429. That big TV just makes
this one look so… dinky.Copy !req
430. Well, at least I tried.Copy !req
431. Hey, Bill, why don't you
make yourself comfortable?Copy !req
432. Thank you, Hank.Copy !req
433. Oh, I almost forgot to tell you.Copy !req
434. I just got myself certified
as a trained mold expert.Copy !req
435. Took me 30 minutes.Copy !req
436. Great. Maybe I'll see you
at our conference in Aspen.Copy !req
437. But, you know, the insurance companyCopy !req
438. will never let you test your own house
and pass it.Copy !req
439. Now that would be
a clear conflict of interest.Copy !req
440. I know, that's why
I'm gonna test your house.Copy !req
441. Bill, you ready?Copy !req
442. Yeah, ready.Copy !req
443. Ew!Copy !req
444. Yeah, pretty gross, huh?Copy !req
445. With the fungus and all.Copy !req
446. Hey, is fungus a mold? Let's find out.Copy !req
447. Whoa, there. Now, now… Now take it easy.Copy !req
448. Okay? Let's, let's just talk about this.Copy !req
449. Hey, you're testing right near his feet.Copy !req
450. Sorry, I'm new at this.Copy !req
451. But after I send the results
to your insurance company,Copy !req
452. I'm sure they'll send someone out here,
and they'll do a more thorough search.Copy !req
453. Punch a few holes in your wall,Copy !req
454. rip up your floorboards.Copy !req
455. You know, I heard nine
out of ten houses have mold.Copy !req
456. But who knows,
maybe you'll be one of the lucky ones.Copy !req
457. Okay, okay. What do you want?Copy !req
458. Okay, Mr. Hill, you passed.Copy !req
459. Your house is officially mold-free.
Goodbye.Copy !req
460. Now, hold on. We're not quite done yet.Copy !req
461. You two owe me a parade.Copy !req
462. So if you'll just step this way,Copy !req
463. and I know you will…Copy !req
464. Come on, Bobby.Copy !req
465. Let's show them the house
that's gonna be yours someday.Copy !req
466. This ranch-style rambler
was built by the great-grandsonCopy !req
467. of T. Anderson Kearney.Copy !req
468. Uh, you might wanna put your case down.Copy !req
469. This is gonna take a while.Copy !req
470. Now, the funny thing
about this boot remover…Copy !req
471. Well, not so much funny as educational,Copy !req
472. is that it was ownedCopy !req
473. by the man who fired the first shot
at the Battle of Gonzalez.Copy !req
474. D Yahoo! d.Copy !req
475. Yup.Copy !req