King of the Hill 8x19

1. And after he bagged her, he bagged Marilyn Monroe.

2. Okay, that's Kennedy number five.

3. Anyone have something different?

4. Oh, good. Go ahead, Bobby.

5. I have chosen the smartest and most photogenic of all the presidents,

6. Mr. Martin Sheen.

7. President Sheen is a Nobel Prize winner in economics

8. yet he loves poetry.

9. And despite round-the-clock meetings, death threats and MS,

10. he still finds time for playful banter with his senior staff.

11. Bobby, your assignment was to research an actual president.

12. Martin Sheen is an actor.

13. Oh, yeah?

14. Tell that to the 50 million people he helped with his poverty bill.

15. Hey, Steve-O. I'm gonna drive this golf cart with my butt.

16. Hey, my hummingbird feeder just got its first customer.

17. Bobby, come take a look.

18. - Bobby? - Huh?

19. Oh, I've seen them.

20. Animal Planet did hummingbirds in their "Wings of Fury" week.

21. But you don't even have to stand up. Just cock your head a little bit.

22. - Bobby? - Yeah?

23. Well, I'm gonna drive it into a wall.

24. What?

25. Uh-huh. Never mind.

26. Bobby, what are you doing watching TV?

27. You have an oral report to redo.

28. Your son thought Martin Sheen was a president.

29. No, I didn't.

30. But his character's based on the real President Bartlett, right?

31. No. See, this is exactly what happens when you watch so much television.

32. Bobby, turn that off.

33. I'm freakin' driving this over that…

34. All the way off.

35. You can't keep coming home after school and plopping down in front of the TV.

36. Mm-hmm. He's right. It is not good for you or the couch.

37. Starting tomorrow, you're getting yourself an extra-curricular activity.

38. Something to keep you busy before your mother and I come home from work.

39. - But, Dad… - No "buts."

40. Now, go start that report.

41. But which president should I…

42. Ronald Reagan.

43. Hey, Bobby.

44. - What are you doing? - Nothing.

45. I'm supposed to be in chess club but they kicked me out.

46. If they don't want you to double jump,

47. they shouldn't play it on a checkers board.

48. Sorry I can't stay and listen to you vent.

49. But our Quiz Bowl team keeps losing.

50. And now, Coach Grandy is making us do mind sprints after school.

51. How could you ever lose?

52. You're the smartest person I know.

53. It's those stupid pop-culture questions.

54. How are we supposed to know what Out of Sight actor

55. - got his start on The Facts of… - George Clooney. Everybody knows that.

56. Oh. Uh…

57. Osmosis, mitosis, miosis…

58. Osmosis, mitosis, miosis…

59. Oh, base ten. Base ten.

60. Idiot.

61. Hello, Connie.

62. Uh, I'm sorry, Bobby.

63. When you want change for the vending machine,

64. you're going to have to start going to someone else.

65. No. Bobby wants to join the team.

66. Why would we want "Booby" Hill?

67. So the other teams feel sorry for us?

68. They already feel sorry for us

69. because you can't remember the atomic weight of lithium.

70. Bobby's going to be our secret weapon.

71. He's not a math guy, is he? Because I'm the math guy, right? Right?

72. No. Bobby's a pop-culture expert.

73. Oh, really? Ernie, ask him that one you didn't know.

74. You didn't know it either.

75. "What actor gave Peter Parker a new face in 2002?"

76. - Toby Maguire. - Is he right?

77. He's right.

78. Bravo, Bobby. Welcome to the team.

79. Dawn, American Lit.

80. Just so you know, you should bring your own pen.

81. We have a thing about pens.

82. You guys hear that?

83. That's the sweet sound of Bobby not watching TV.

84. I made him join an after-school activity.

85. How do you know he's not watching TV at someone else's house?

86. Or hiding in the bushes with one of those mini-TV's?

87. They keep making TV's smaller and smaller, and bigger and bigger.

88. Soon the medium TV is going to be a thing of the past.

89. Hey, Dad, guess what?

90. I joined the Academic Team.

91. Academic Team?

92. Is that a fancy way of saying you need to go to study hall?

93. No. I'm the pop-culture guy.

94. - The what? - Come on, test me.

95. Give me a name.

96. Michael Douglas… No, Michael Keaton.

97. Mr. Mom, Gung Ho, Beetlejuice with Winona Ryder, Batman,

98. Batman Returns, and the place it all started,

99. Mr. Rogers' Neighborhood.

100. - Impressive. - I love Mr. Rogers.

101. Wow, Hank.

102. How does it feel to be the father of a genius?

103. Bobby's a good kid but he's no genius.

104. We have the report cards to prove it.

105. And since when is popular culture considered academic?

106. It's serious business, Hank.

107. You can't be a respected university these days

108. without offering a major in commercial jingles

109. or the films of M. Night "Shalimanamong."

110. Yeah, man. Talk about them dang ol' Oberlin, man.

111. They got ol' Phi Beta Kappa on them Muppets, yo.

112. Well, that's asinine.

113. What kind of job can you get with a degree in pop culture?

114. You can be a professor of pop culture.

115. Wow. Bobby the Professor.

116. Hey, Connie, this is so cool.

117. Where should I sit?

118. I didn't know everybody got a buzzer.

119. Quiz Bowl is so cool.

120. I can't talk now, Bobby.

121. I'm having trouble with my German composers.

122. Pachelbel.

123. Hey, Jeremy. You ready to kick some Denton brain?

124. Can't you see I'm trying to remember the quadratic formula?

125. I mean equation. Oh, crap. Which is it?

126. Sorry.

127. Now, this is Bobby's first match.

128. So which is more appropriate? Air horn or thunder-sticks?

129. Because I have both.

130. What? Bobby on team?

131. Quiz Bowl for top of food chain, not C-student plankton.

132. Welcome, wilkommen, bienvenue.

133. Today's match features Denton versus Tom Landry.

134. Please test your buzzers.

135. Category, chemistry.

136. Negative two-seventy-three degrees Kelvin is also known as what?

137. Wassanasong, Tom Landry.

138. - Absolute zero. - Correct.

139. Category, television.

140. Who of the following is not a Star Fleet captain?

141. Picard, Janeway or Data?

142. - Data. - Correct. But a warning.

143. Please wait to be recognized by the Quiz Master.

144. Hill, Tom Landry.

145. Alvin, Simon and Theodore.

146. Correct. And time expires.

147. Winner, Tom Landry.

148. All right.

149. Super. Just super.

150. With proper training, Bobby could lead the team to the championship.

151. They could be number one.

152. Just think.

153. If I hadn't sat him in front of the TV to keep him from crying,

154. we would not be here today.

155. Yup.

156. Four parts water, one part sugar.

157. Got any leftovers?

158. Hey, Dad. We won.

159. You should have seen it. We came out strong.

160. Math, spelling, geography.

161. Then we hit the wall.

162. Two art histories and a physics.

163. Oh, no.

164. How did you ever recover, professor?

165. The lightning round.

166. It was TV theme songs. I cleaned house.

167. - Oh, that's good. - Yeah.

168. You know, I wanted Bobby to become the kind of kid

169. who did stuff after school.

170. But the stuff after school is just becoming more like Bobby.

171. You must be very proud.

172. You were on fire yesterday, Bobby.

173. I can't believe you made that kid cry.

174. I'd cry too if I didn't know what movies Denzel got his Oscars for.

175. - Glory, Training Day. - Okay, people.

176. Cheeks in the chairs.

177. We did great yesterday but we still made too many mistakes.

178. I'm not going to point fingers

179. but people who should have a finger pointed at them know who they are.

180. Chane, books on Copernicus.

181. Dawn, the complete works of Faulkner.

182. Connie, memorize the Goldberg variations.

183. And, Bobby, here is People, Us, and Entertainment Weekly.

184. Is this great or what?

185. Hey, did you guys know that…

186. You better start reading or watching or whatever you do

187. because we're counting on you.

188. Counting on me?

189. Nobody's ever counted on me before.

190. I won't let you down.

191. Bobby, breakfast.

192. I am blanketing the pig.

193. I can't right now. TRL is pop-up.

194. Oh, dang it.

195. I can't believe you're serving him breakfast in bed.

196. Breakfast was the only motivation he had to leave his room.

197. Hank, we are parents of a gifted child now.

198. It is our responsibility to nurture him.

199. But the whole point was to get him out of the house.

200. If you were Einstein's father, we would not have the bomb.

201. Call our cable operator.

202. There's a new MTV channel.

203. I'm so glad you're on the team now, Bobby.

204. I really like winning.

205. Here he is now.

206. The brightest of all my shining stars.

207. I was just telling Principal Moss about our team's winning streak.

208. To tell you the truth, I thought we cut Quiz Bowl last year.

209. Guess we got rid of something else.

210. Well, the budget likes a winner so keep it up.

211. Oh, man.

212. Look, we all know drama and band are hanging by a thread.

213. Quiz Bowl is all I have.

214. Bobby, I'm counting on you to lead us to victory.

215. I'm trying.

216. Remember, there's trying and there's trying harder.

217. Try harder, Bobby.

218. See you in class.

219. I know this one. I know I know it.

220. - Sine? - No. Cosine.

221. Dang it. Dang it.

222. Quiet down.

223. Next question.

224. "This actor picked Cameron Diaz over Julia Roberts

225. in My Best Friend's Wedding."

226. Come on, coach. Give me a hard one. Dylan McDermott.

227. No.

228. Dermot Mulroney.

229. Oh.

230. Yeah. I always get those guys mixed up.

231. Someone needs a name change. Am I right?

232. Let's take a break. Who has the Tums?

233. - Hey, what's your problem? - I'm trying. I just goofed.

234. Look, "Booby." I have a plan.

235. The Chane train starts with Quiz Bowl and ends at a Stanford frat

236. with all the ladies I can handle.

237. You're not gonna blow it for me.

238. You can't make mistakes, Bobby. You just can't.

239. Bobby gets so dang many magazines.

240. Couldn't at least one of them have a picture of a car or a fish on it?

241. Does sweeps start this week or next?

242. I don't know what that means.

243. Man, Quiz Bowl is getting tough.

244. Yeah, it's real hard sitting around watching TV.

245. I know.

246. They broke up?

247. I haven't even read the one where they got together.

248. Bobby Hill, come on down.

249. How much you pay for fabulous mini fridge stocked with Red Bull and Mountain Dew?

250. Nothing. Free for you.

251. But why?

252. Well, because you're the key to getting Chane

253. into the school of his choice.

254. Stanford.

255. Connie choose Harvard. And you pave the way.

256. With new fridge, you never have to leave your room.

257. - Everything on your shoulders. - Uh…

258. Mm…

259. - McMaynerbury. - Ursa Minor.

260. Correct. McMaynerbury ties the game.

261. And time expires.

262. How delightful. We have a tie-breaker.

263. The winner will face Durndle in the district finals.

264. "Category, the Grammys.

265. Who is Dana Owens better known as?"

266. Hill, Tom Landry.

267. Huh?

268. Five seconds.

269. Queen Latifah.

270. What?

271. Correct. Winner, Tom Landry.

272. When I directed this scene, the sky wasn't sad enough.

273. Read about how we fixed it in post in the companion book.

274. Oh, companion book.

275. Your mother and I

276. are headed to the Megalo Mart.

277. It's the last day of Super Savings.

278. Wait. I'm coming with you.

279. I got to get this one book.

280. And Sim City 4. And I think J-Lo's new CD drops today.

281. Grab my shoes. I'll be in the car.

282. Meet us by the wood glue in 20 minutes.

283. I never noticed these before.

284. I guess they're trying to make shopping fun.

285. It's working.

286. I'm Kelly Clarkson.

287. I won American Idol and my debut album went to number one.

288. One song on the album I wrote with Christina Aguilera.

289. She was on The Mickey Mouse Club with Britney Spears and Justin Timberlake.

290. Justin is a member of 'NSync.

291. They sang on the soundtrack for The Grinch starring Jim Carrey.

292. Jim Carrey was in a movie with Rene Zellweger,

293. who's worked with Catherine Zeta-Jones, who's acted with John Cusack,

294. who has a house in Malibu near Pamela Anderson,

295. who dated Scott Baio, who was on Happy Days with Ron Howard

296. who directed Apollo 13 starring Tom Hanks,

297. who's married to Rita Wilson, who was in Mixed Nuts…

298. What happened?

299. Bobby, are you okay?

300. Follow the tip of my nose with your eyes.

301. Peggy, give him some air.

302. Now, Bobby, you just fainted. How do you feel?

303. Uh, I don't know. It was weird.

304. It was like my heart was on fast forward but my brain was on pause.

305. Then nothing.

306. Well, he was running pretty fast.

307. And it's a quarter mile to electronics.

308. His body isn't used to that level of activity.

309. Actually, Mr. Hill, it sounds to me like your son had a panic attack.

310. A panic attack?

311. Uh, maybe we should take him to a doctor.

312. Sir, Megalo Mart trains us to take care of all medical situations.

313. Attention, shoppers.

314. If there is a doctor in the store, please report to the Megalo clinic.

315. Mr. and Mrs. Hill, it looks like Bobby had a panic attack.

316. Mm-hmm.

317. Doctor, he's in middle school.

318. What does he have to panic about?

319. Well, if I had to choose between performing heart surgery

320. or going to the seventh-grade dance right now, well… Scalpel, please.

321. So the boy's too tense? Well, what do you recommend?

322. Icy Hot, the Bengay?

323. No, you can't just put ointment on this, Mr. Hill.

324. Teen stress is a very serious problem.

325. It can lead to ulcers and many other health concerns.

326. Well, what should I do?

327. Should I give him a hug or does he need space?

328. Well, there's a book I can recommend.

329. Oh, thank God, there's a book.

330. Well, I just checked on Bobby.

331. He's stopped muttering to himself.

332. You find anything in there?

333. It says here that what Bobby needs is a lifestyle change.

334. Their words, my emphasis.

335. Now first, we have to create a stress-free environment or a safe zone.

336. If you need me to build something,

337. I've still got those old treehouse designs.

338. Mm, no.

339. It involves things like scented candles, hot teas, positive affirmation.

340. Hank, go make Bobby feel good about himself.

341. Compliment him.

342. Okay.

343. Uh… For what?

344. Whatever. Tell him he has good hair.

345. What? He does.

346. So, uh, your TV-watching got you under the weather, did it?

347. Oh, yeah. I guess so.

348. Wait a second. What time is it? Did you hear the weekly top 40?

349. What was number one? Did anything have a bullet?

350. Don't worry about that now, Bobby. Just get some rest.

351. But the countdown, Nielsen ratings, supersize it.

352. Uh, your mother likes your hair.

353. Hair. Directed by Milos Forman.

354. Ugh. It's so dark with this thing on.

355. What are you doing?

356. Shh. It's okay, Bobby.

357. Everything is very safe.

358. We're going to take… Aw! Oh.

359. Okay, I just burned myself.

360. But you are very, very safe.

361. I've got to go get some ice. Here.

362. Okay. Bobby, we're going to take your mind on a journey.

363. "You're lying on the beach on a warm, sunny day.

364. Your legs feel like spaghetti."

365. What kind of spaghetti? Fettuccini? Angel hair?

366. Calm down, Bobby.

367. How about some, uh, tea?

368. So, how's the professor doing?

369. He's really got himself worked up, I tell you what.

370. I just don't understand where it's coming from.

371. Well, it's tough being a kid these days, Hank.

372. All we had to worry about was Vietnam, Charles Manson, swine flu…

373. Is it that bad now?

374. Heck. A hundred years ago, kids were working in pork factories and coal mines.

375. You can't tell me that wasn't stressful.

376. Hank's right.

377. Back when Disneyland first started,

378. it was completely powered by orphan children

379. running on treadmills in underground tunnels.

380. And today, those kids are the New York Yankees.

381. Well, I had better go flip over his calming-sounds tape.

382. Who wants to thumb wrestle?

383. All this rain is making me think of drowning.

384. This is pointless.

385. It's gonna be okay, son. We'll get you through this.

386. But I'm never gonna relax.

387. I keep thinking about movies and music and Quiz Bowl,

388. and if I screw up nobody goes to college.

389. And Chane never gets his trust fund. I need to quit.

390. Oh. I feel better already.

391. I quit.

392. I quit. I quit!

393. This is a miracle.

394. Nobody ever has to count on me again.

395. Hey, my stomach just unknotted.

396. Bobby, I don't think you should quit.

397. What?

398. But you said this pop culture stuff was stupid.

399. Well, it is. But you made a commitment to your team.

400. And you should honor it.

401. But the stress, Dad.

402. What about the stress?

403. Well, you might not believe this, Bobby, but I get stressed all the time.

404. - You? - Yup.

405. But I don't give up. I face my problems.

406. Stress isn't bad, Bobby.

407. Heck. If we weren't stressed about the Nazis taking over Europe,

408. we wouldn't have fought World War II.

409. What's bad is letting stress make your life miserable.

410. The big match is tomorrow.

411. I don't know if I can get into game shape by then.

412. You can handle this, Bobby. And I'll help you.

413. Well, hey there, Mr. Drysdale.

414. I love The Beverly Hillbillies.

415. I talked Jethro into staying to work for you.

416. Show him your ciphering, boy.

417. Naught times naught is naught.

418. Naught times one is naught.

419. Naught times two is naught.

420. Hoo, doggie.

421. That's what you get from a sixth-grade education.

422. You know, the guy who played Jed Clampett also played Barnaby Jones,

423. the milk-drinking, elderly private eye.

424. Wow. Cool.

425. And Jethro's dad, Max Baer, Senior, was a heavyweight boxing champ.

426. He fought Joe Louis.

427. Hey, Dad, why is Jethro dressed so funny?

428. He's trying to be a double naught spy.

429. Look, he's putting on his lead spy hat.

430. Hoo, doggie.

431. Oh, yeah.

432. Or the films of M. Night "Shalimanamong."