1. Ripped By mstollCopy !req
2. Son, look.Copy !req
3. There's Big Tex.Copy !req
4. He's like
the Grand CanyonCopy !req
5. and the Statue
of Liberty,Copy !req
6. rolled into one.Copy !req
7. He seems tough.Copy !req
8. But kind.Copy !req
9. Yep. He always tells us
what to do and see and eat.Copy !req
10. I've gotten better advice from
him than from my own father.Copy !req
11. Howdy, folks!Copy !req
12. Howdy, howdy.Copy !req
13. Check, check, uh, one.Copy !req
14. Howdy.Copy !req
15. Wow. I'm finally entering
the Grill-Off.Copy !req
16. It's just like
in my dreams,Copy !req
17. except in the dream,
I'm wearing Tom Landry's hat.Copy !req
18. Excuse me, sir.Copy !req
19. You have two different boxes
for charcoal...Copy !req
20. mesquite and hickory...Copy !req
21. but I don't see
a box on the entryCopy !req
22. for grilling with propane.Copy !req
23. 'Cause you can't use gas
at a grill-off!Copy !req
24. Charcoal only;
your choice of sauce.Copy !req
25. Starting this year,
bacon counts as a sauce.Copy !req
26. Sir, I choose to enter
this contestCopy !req
27. grilling with propane.Copy !req
28. It's not a sales ploy,
it's what I prefer.Copy !req
29. Well, this is a charcoal
competition, always has been.Copy !req
30. Why don't you take your gas
and go fill up your balloonsCopy !req
31. or whatever
you do with it,Copy !req
32. and leave the grilling
to the pros.Copy !req
33. Two boxes for
charcoal, Bobby.Copy !req
34. Two boxes!Copy !req
35. It's madness.Copy !req
36. I know!Copy !req
37. That really boils my...Copy !req
38. Makes me want to...Copy !req
39. Eh...Copy !req
40. I gotta level with you, Dad.Copy !req
41. I've just been picturing myself
on the roller coasterCopy !req
42. the whole time
you were talking.Copy !req
43. If the election
were held today,Copy !req
44. I would vote for...Copy !req
45. nobody!Copy !req
46. I know that elections
don't happen today.Copy !req
47. They happen on Tuesdays in
months ending in "vember."Copy !req
48. Why do you want
to talk to my mother?Copy !req
49. You know,
if I ever win the lotto,Copy !req
50. I'm gonna buy this house,
knock it downCopy !req
51. and build this house
on top of it.Copy !req
52. I am so sick of peopleCopy !req
53. calling and asking to speak with
the woman of the houseCopy !req
54. and then treating me like
the baby of the house.Copy !req
55. Now, now, Luanne.Copy !req
56. Let's not be the
crybaby of the house.Copy !req
57. Oh, my God.
Look at this.Copy !req
58. The Baxter Death Mansion
is on the market.Copy !req
59. The scene of Arlen's
most notoriousCopy !req
60. crime of passion!Copy !req
61. Also most exciting
murderCopy !req
62. ever to happen
in a laundry room.Copy !req
63. Oh, yeah, I remember.Copy !req
64. The handsome millionaire
and his girlfriendCopy !req
65. were eloping to Switzerland,Copy !req
66. but they were tragically stoppedCopy !req
67. by that crazy old woman
with the bad hair.Copy !req
68. And her gun.Copy !req
69. Luanne, that "crazy old woman"
was his wife.Copy !req
70. The one who put him through
medical school.Copy !req
71. Oh.Copy !req
72. Why don't you go play
with someone your own age.Copy !req
73. Hey, Connie baby-sitting
an eight-year-old.Copy !req
74. Give him a shot.Copy !req
75. Oh, my God.Copy !req
76. It's an open house!Copy !req
77. Ladies, get ready to
see five sunny bedrooms,Copy !req
78. eat-in kitchen,
and murder.Copy !req
79. Yep.Copy !req
80. Yup.Copy !req
81. Propane is excludedCopy !req
82. from the Texas
State Fair.Copy !req
83. Boomhauer,
are you insane?Copy !req
84. I just told you
they excluded propane!Copy !req
85. You, too?Copy !req
86. First, Bobby, and now you guys?Copy !req
87. Where's the outrage?Copy !req
88. Rules are rules, Hank.Copy !req
89. Without rules,
there would be chaos.Copy !req
90. That's why we no longer
visit the public pool.Copy !req
91. But... this is blatantly unfair!Copy !req
92. Yeah, poor, poor Hank.Copy !req
93. With his wife, and
his son, and his...Copy !req
94. hair.Copy !req
95. Nobody will let him
grill with propane.Copy !req
96. Who's gonna show meCopy !req
97. some rage?Copy !req
98. Dang it, I should be
calming you people down,Copy !req
99. telling you
there's no need for violence!Copy !req
100. Aw...Copy !req
101. Yeah, yeah, of course...
charcoal, propane, uh-huh.Copy !req
102. Hank, it's just a rule.Copy !req
103. I would never teach Italian
in my Spanish class,Copy !req
104. even though they are practically
the same language.Copy !req
105. Gotta go!Copy !req
106. To really get ready
for the Tilt-a-Whirl,Copy !req
107. I should've eaten a
few corn dogs first.Copy !req
108. If you want it to feel like
the Tilt-a-Whirl,Copy !req
109. you've got to tilt,
and snap your head around.Copy !req
110. Children, stop that!Copy !req
111. Play nicely!Copy !req
112. What are you talking
about, Luanne?Copy !req
113. Don't you sass me,
young man!Copy !req
114. I am your elder, and I am
to be treated with respect.Copy !req
115. Wow.Copy !req
116. If you're going to be butchered
by a spurned wife,Copy !req
117. this would be
the place to do it.Copy !req
118. Any questions, ladies?Copy !req
119. No, that's okay.Copy !req
120. We're just going to take
a quick look around.Copy !req
121. Thank you.Copy !req
122. Oh, I'm afraid we're only
showing this houseCopy !req
123. to potential buyers.Copy !req
124. No looky-loos.Copy !req
125. If you want to rubberneck,Copy !req
126. there was a pileup
out on highway 183.Copy !req
127. Looky-loos?Copy !req
128. Thanks for coming.Copy !req
129. Super. Just super.Copy !req
130. I could see my family
very happy here.Copy !req
131. Oh, wait...Copy !req
132. there is one
potential deal breaker.Copy !req
133. Is there a laundry room?Copy !req
134. Is there
a laundry room?Copy !req
135. We have got
to come back.Copy !req
136. If we do not get to
see that laundry room,Copy !req
137. then the victim will
have died in vain.Copy !req
138. Smell that, girl.Copy !req
139. Is that the smell of
a second-class heat source?Copy !req
140. Who's all this food for?Copy !req
141. I don't even
know any more.Copy !req
142. No one cares.Copy !req
143. Why not?
It smells so good.Copy !req
144. Exactly. That's because
you're smelling the food!Copy !req
145. See, if this were charcoal,Copy !req
146. all you'd smell
is that dang smoke!Copy !req
147. I hate smoke.Copy !req
148. It makes my mouth taste like
I kissed a guy who smokes.Copy !req
149. Not that you know
what it's like to kiss a guy.Copy !req
150. Well, no,
some guys do,Copy !req
151. just not you.Copy !req
152. No, not me.Copy !req
153. But I see exactly
what you're saying.Copy !req
154. You prefer a cleaner-
burning fuel.Copy !req
155. That's what I was saying?Copy !req
156. And... you agree with me?Copy !req
157. Got dang right I do!Copy !req
158. You know what, Luanne...Copy !req
159. you just earned
yourself a burger!Copy !req
160. Go ahead and pick one out.Copy !req
161. and that's why I decided
to go with State Farm.Copy !req
162. Wow!Copy !req
163. This is such a serious
grown-up conversation!Copy !req
164. I'm so tired of everybody
treating me like a child.Copy !req
165. Just because I live at home
and always have to bum rides,Copy !req
166. I still should be
taken seriously.Copy !req
167. Well, of course you should.Copy !req
168. It's just like those people
at the fairCopy !req
169. who won't take propane
seriously.Copy !req
170. You know what?Copy !req
171. I say we go down to that fairCopy !req
172. and set up a propane grillCopy !req
173. right across from
those stinky charcoal grills.Copy !req
174. Let the people see
what they're missing!Copy !req
175. You mean, like some sort of
crazy protest grill?Copy !req
176. That's not the kind of thing
I normally go in for...Copy !req
177. But they're
pushing around propane,Copy !req
178. and propane doesn't have arms
to push back with.Copy !req
179. Luanne... I'm in.Copy !req
180. We're a team.Copy !req
181. I want to celebrate!Copy !req
182. Toss another bucket of
propane on the fire!Copy !req
183. Uh, Luanne?Copy !req
184. Maybe I should get you
some brochures.Copy !req
185. What you doing,
Uncle Hank?Copy !req
186. What I've done
is I've married
the cold precisionCopy !req
187. of the Vogner Char KingCopy !req
188. with the fiery passion
of the Hoffman Meat Meister.Copy !req
189. I may have voided
all the warranties,Copy !req
190. but I don't even care.Copy !req
191. Look out, charcoal,
it's Supergrill!Copy !req
192. Yeah, I can make a poster
with Supergrill wearing a capeCopy !req
193. and saving people everywhere
with his magic rainbow of meats!Copy !req
194. I get it.
It's a catchy image.Copy !req
195. But...Copy !req
196. and here's my criticism...Copy !req
197. Okay, okay.
I'm an adult.Copy !req
198. I can handle criticism.Copy !req
199. Remember how you wanted
to be taken seriously?Copy !req
200. Well, so does propane.Copy !req
201. Sure a rainbow of meats
would be fun...Copy !req
202. great for a kid's bedroom...Copy !req
203. but we're looking
to change lives here.Copy !req
204. I understand.Copy !req
205. Great. Now we've got
a lot to doCopy !req
206. with just three days
until the fair:Copy !req
207. Build the grill,
print up the pamphlets,Copy !req
208. fact-check the pamphlets,
design a char pattern.Copy !req
209. And that's just
for starters.Copy !req
210. Hey, I bet I could get
some people down at the collegeCopy !req
211. to help us.Copy !req
212. I still know where it is!Copy !req
213. That's a great idea!Copy !req
214. Luanne, I am officially
designating youCopy !req
215. recruitment coordinator.Copy !req
216. That could have been us
protesting for propaneCopy !req
217. with Hank right now.Copy !req
218. Gentlemen, we dodged
a very boring bullet.Copy !req
219. I mean, I love ol' Hank, man,
but got dang man,Copy !req
220. talkin' 'bout propane,
propane, propane, man,Copy !req
221. How' 'bout talkin' 'bout
what I do for a living, man.Copy !req
222. Poor Bobby,
being replaced
by Luanne.Copy !req
223. My dad replaced me
with TV and the bottle.Copy !req
224. Hey, we should let Bobby hang
with us.Copy !req
225. Seems the least we could do.Copy !req
226. Now, when we ask him,Copy !req
227. try not to seem
too needy.Copy !req
228. And if he says no,Copy !req
229. pretend like we didn't
want him, anyway.Copy !req
230. Vote no on Prop 12!Copy !req
231. Stop the Otter slaughter!Copy !req
232. Ban the Canon!Copy !req
233. Wow, it looks like
you hate everything.Copy !req
234. Do you think
you could hate
charcoal, too?Copy !req
235. I think you could persuade me.Copy !req
236. Okay, everyone, let 'em hear it!Copy !req
237. No blood for...Copy !req
238. Hi!Copy !req
239. Hi.
Hey.Copy !req
240. 'Sup?Copy !req
241. Now, who's ready
To put onCopy !req
242. a serious protest
with me and Uncle Hank?Copy !req
243. Charcoal is murder!Copy !req
244. Ooh, that's so good.Copy !req
245. Dude, things that are murder
is my thing.Copy !req
246. Smoke is murder!Copy !req
247. No blood for charcoal!Copy !req
248. Uncle Hank is going
to be so excited!Copy !req
249. Luanne, this Uncle Hank,
he's a real uncle,Copy !req
250. not an older dudeCopy !req
251. who's, like,
your boyfriend, right?Copy !req
252. You know what?
I am the babe around here.Copy !req
253. I'm not going
to become the Mom.Copy !req
254. Hey, Uncle Hank.Copy !req
255. Oh, hey, Luanne.
How'd it go at the college?Copy !req
256. Great! I got a team!Copy !req
257. They're focused
and committed.Copy !req
258. I can't wait for youCopy !req
259. to see all the signs
we made.Copy !req
260. Uh, no rainbows
or smiley faces, right?Copy !req
261. Uncle Hank, we're looking
to change lives here.Copy !req
262. Well, all right, Luanne.
Great job.Copy !req
263. Just follow my lead
and get ready to gloat.Copy !req
264. Oh, you gals don't
have jobs, do you?Copy !req
265. Like I said:
Potential buyers only.Copy !req
266. How's this for potential?Copy !req
267. We will give you $200,000
over asking price.Copy !req
268. Yeah, I bet you
didn't see that coming.Copy !req
269. Now show us the
damn laundry room.Copy !req
270. Peggy, what are you doing?Copy !req
271. Relax, Nancy.Copy !req
272. We're not really
going to buy the house.Copy !req
273. We're just going
to put in a bogus bid,Copy !req
274. and the whole thing
will fall apart during escrow.Copy !req
275. Hey, looky-loos!Copy !req
276. Out of my kitchen!Copy !req
277. Of course, we will need
some earnest money.Copy !req
278. Which, on your
generous offer, comes out to...Copy !req
279. $15,000.Copy !req
280. Fine.
Drive me to the bank.Copy !req
281. Yep.Copy !req
282. Yup.Copy !req
283. Yep.Copy !req
284. Okay.Copy !req
285. So, Bobby,
are you upsetCopy !req
286. by Luanne usurping
your first-born male rightCopy !req
287. of prima-grillature?Copy !req
288. Are you kidding?Copy !req
289. I'm just hoping she can throw
a football, too,Copy !req
290. because then I'm home free!Copy !req
291. That is a great attitude, Bobby.Copy !req
292. You know, we should have done
this years ago.Copy !req
293. So, I can see why
you guys like this,Copy !req
294. but I've got two weeks'
allowance in my pocketCopy !req
295. that's screaming
state fair.Copy !req
296. I say let's do it.Copy !req
297. Dang ol' good call.Copy !req
298. You're as good at telling me
what to do as your dad is.Copy !req
299. Howdy, folks!Copy !req
300. Clog dancing unlimited,Copy !req
301. State grill-off,
the world's smallest hippo.Copy !req
302. Propane?
That's a fine fuel.Copy !req
303. But it ain't no match
for a mesquite mix tookCopy !req
304. my Grandpa 19 years
to get perfect.Copy !req
305. With all due respect, sir,
it's not a fair competitionCopy !req
306. unless all heat sources
are welcomed.Copy !req
307. All we ask for
is an equal chance.Copy !req
308. Well, a man
can respect that.Copy !req
309. Once my team gets here,
you will get all the steakCopy !req
310. and information you need
to make an informed choice.Copy !req
311. Hey-hey! Ho-ho!Copy !req
312. Your deadly smoke
has got to go!Copy !req
313. Cough-cough! Choke-choke!Copy !req
314. What the?Copy !req
315. Oh, God, protest kids.Copy !req
316. Get a job!
Hey-hey! Ho-ho!Copy !req
317. Propane is the way to go!Copy !req
318. Ready, everyone?Copy !req
319. Finger of Shame!Copy !req
320. Shame! Shame!Copy !req
321. Hi, Uncle Hank!Copy !req
322. Luanne?Copy !req
323. That gal is on
your team?Copy !req
324. Sir, I swear to you, I...Copy !req
325. 'Kay everybody, die-in!Copy !req
326. Luanne, what...Copy !req
327. I can't...Copy !req
328. What?Copy !req
329. Isn't this great?Copy !req
330. No! It's horrible!Copy !req
331. Didn't you hear a word I said?Copy !req
332. Yes! I heard
all of them!Copy !req
333. Look how serious we are.Copy !req
334. Jason is dressed
as Death.Copy !req
335. What is more serious
than Death?Copy !req
336. No! No! Luanne,
you're off the team!Copy !req
337. What? But I'm trying...Copy !req
338. I don't care
what you're trying!Copy !req
339. Now get away
from my grill.Copy !req
340. Luanne?Copy !req
341. But we haven't
had our puke-in yet!Copy !req
342. Luanne! Luanne!Copy !req
343. I really do think
propane is great.Copy !req
344. It's a better heat
source than charcoal.Copy !req
345. It just is!Copy !req
346. I, uh, know what
you're going through.Copy !req
347. I'm old enough
to help propane by myself.Copy !req
348. I'll show him.
I just have to figure out how.Copy !req
349. And when.Copy !req
350. You've got
to do something big.Copy !req
351. You gotta get
his attention,Copy !req
352. like, move out
of his house.Copy !req
353. I mean, you could totally crash
with me.Copy !req
354. Thursday night,
livestock show!Copy !req
355. Free diabetes screenings!Copy !req
356. I could crash with you...Copy !req
357. or do something bigger.Copy !req
358. Uh, sir?Copy !req
359. That circus did not
represent propane.Copy !req
360. If you would just
give propane another chance.Copy !req
361. Sunday night,
salute to the Pecan,Copy !req
362. Thursd...Copy !req
363. Attention, Texas.Copy !req
364. Charcoal is murder!Copy !req
365. Luanne?Copy !req
366. Grill with propane!Copy !req
367. If you don't use propane,
I'm going to stomp on you!Copy !req
368. Um, how do I move the legs?Copy !req
369. Taste the meat, not the heat!Copy !req
370. Listen, Texas.Copy !req
371. Our forests are dying
to make the charcoalCopy !req
372. to burn the flesh of the cows
you've murdered!Copy !req
373. But there is another way:
Propane.Copy !req
374. Just be careful who you trust.Copy !req
375. Dang it!Copy !req
376. Yeah, we tried that.Copy !req
377. She's got her own megaphone.Copy !req
378. We can't do much
besides wait her out.Copy !req
379. Shoot.Copy !req
380. That's his first hit,
out of the dozen.Copy !req
381. Lot of times, these kids
don't even nick me.Copy !req
382. Are you just
gonna take that?Copy !req
383. Well, what with
the lawsuits and all...Copy !req
384. But, as I say, we got it
under control.Copy !req
385. Huh. Anyway, I have to ask you
to clear the area.Copy !req
386. I'm not the one throwing eggs!Copy !req
387. Sir, please don't make my
job any more difficult.Copy !req
388. Ha, ha! Babylon is going down!Copy !req
389. Take that, Herr Fuhrer!Copy !req
390. There he is!Copy !req
391. Hank Hill, who thinksCopy !req
392. he's the only one
who cares about propane.Copy !req
393. Shame on him!Copy !req
394. Shame!Copy !req
395. Shaaaaame!Copy !req
396. That's right,Copy !req
397. run away!Copy !req
398. Shaaaame!Copy !req
399. Turn the wheel, Mr. Dauterive!
Turn the wheel!Copy !req
400. Bobby, this is what
it would look likeCopy !req
401. if Boomhauer and me had a baby.Copy !req
402. So what should we do now,
Bobby?Copy !req
403. Can I have a fried twinkie?Copy !req
404. Wait!Copy !req
405. Don't-don't leave me!Copy !req
406. So, if we grill the forest,Copy !req
407. where are, like, squirrels
supposed to live?Copy !req
408. Luanne! Courage!Copy !req
409. Can I get you
anything, please?Copy !req
410. A diet soda and...
maybe a sandwich.Copy !req
411. Oh, and could you
bring me up a bucket?Copy !req
412. I have to go
to the ladies room.Copy !req
413. Mrs. Hill,
your mortgage paymentsCopy !req
414. would be 300%
of your household income,Copy !req
415. which is what we in the business
call a "tough nut."Copy !req
416. I'm gonna level with you.Copy !req
417. I just wanted to see
the freakin' laundry room!Copy !req
418. Hmm. This is the
Baxter Death Mansion?Copy !req
419. Yep. And Miss
"Number One on the Westside"Copy !req
420. thinks you have to be a
millionaire just to get a peek.Copy !req
421. I think we can
work something out.Copy !req
422. I'm sending something down.Copy !req
423. And you're sure
this thing is loud?Copy !req
424. How's this?Copy !req
425. O-Okay, fine. I'll take it.Copy !req
426. $55.99.Copy !req
427. Stop that!Copy !req
428. Boy, it's hot in here.Copy !req
429. Where's my sandwich?Copy !req
430. Luanne, can you hear me?Copy !req
431. Yes.Copy !req
432. Then get the heck down here!Copy !req
433. You're acting like
a complete jackass!Copy !req
434. Uh, sir,Copy !req
435. you're not authorized
to negotiate with that subject.Copy !req
436. This is my protest!Copy !req
437. Why are you against me?Copy !req
438. I was trying to help you
with your propane!Copy !req
439. Hank,Copy !req
440. what's going on?Copy !req
441. It's Luanne.Copy !req
442. She's ticked off at me,
and she's commandeered Big Tex.Copy !req
443. I've got to find some way
to get her down.Copy !req
444. Aah, it's Big Tex!Copy !req
445. Maybe you should ask Big Bob.Copy !req
446. Hmm...Copy !req
447. This is a lot like the time
I locked myself in my roomCopy !req
448. and wouldn't come out.Copy !req
449. Do you remember
how you got me out?Copy !req
450. Yeah. I put candy outside
your door and told youCopy !req
451. you had five minutes
before I ate it.Copy !req
452. Go for it, Dad.Copy !req
453. Look, Luanne's an adult.Copy !req
454. Treating her like a kid
is not gonna...Copy !req
455. Oh, Lord.Copy !req
456. Uh, sir, I think
I can get her down.Copy !req
457. Uh, folks, I sort of have
to say something to my niece.Copy !req
458. It's kind of private,Copy !req
459. so if you could all put
your fingers in your ears...Copy !req
460. All right. Fine.Copy !req
461. Uh, Luanne,Copy !req
462. I, uh, understand
why you're mad at me.Copy !req
463. You did something
I don't agree withCopy !req
464. and I, uh, treated you
like a child.Copy !req
465. And that was wrong of me
because, uh...Copy !req
466. I... owe you a lot.Copy !req
467. Uh... butCopy !req
468. working with you is, uh,
you know,Copy !req
469. the whole reason
I'm even here today,Copy !req
470. and even though I still think
what you're doing is asinine,Copy !req
471. if you come down here, we can
talk about it... like adults.Copy !req
472. Uncle Hank,Copy !req
473. I'm coming down.Copy !req
474. Well, this blows chunks.Copy !req
475. Yeah!Copy !req
476. Dude, you just
nailed a real cop!Copy !req
477. Oh, crap!Copy !req
478. Run!Copy !req
479. A front-loader.Copy !req
480. Wow!Copy !req
481. Thanks for coming
down, Luanne.Copy !req
482. Well, Officer,Copy !req
483. I'm an adult now,Copy !req
484. and I'm ready to do
what grown-up people do:Copy !req
485. Go to jail.Copy !req
486. Sir, I guess the two of us
are in this together.Copy !req
487. I think my report is going to
say that while we were busyCopy !req
488. with a violent situation,Copy !req
489. a non-violent offender
walked off,Copy !req
490. and we were unable
to locate her.Copy !req
491. Come on, get out of here.Copy !req
492. Thank you, officer.Copy !req
493. I don't know what
you're talking about.Copy !req
494. Ms. Platter, I think
we'd better get out of hereCopy !req
495. while we still can.Copy !req
496. Mr. Hill, I think you
have a very good point.Copy !req
497. So I have to ask:Copy !req
498. Is Big Tex as amazing inside
as he is from the outside?Copy !req
499. Yeah.Copy !req
500. You think you're gonna
be really nervous,Copy !req
501. because, like,
he's Big Tex and all,Copy !req
502. but, actually,
he's very down-to-earth.Copy !req
503. Really, like being inside
of a regular giant guy.Copy !req
504. A man of the people.Copy !req
505. I knew it.Copy !req
506. Ripped By mstollCopy !req
507. Howdy, folks.Copy !req
508. Steak grill-off.Copy !req
509. Clog-dancing unlimited.Copy !req
510. The world's smallest hippo.Copy !req
511. Howdy.Copy !req
512. Thursday night: Livestock show.Copy !req
513. Free diabetes screenings.Copy !req
514. Howdy.Copy !req
515. Sunday night:
Salute to the pecan.Copy !req
516. Talkin' 'bout an ol' propane,
propane, propane.Copy !req