King of the Hill 8x18

1. Son, look.

2. There's Big Tex.

3. He's like the Grand Canyon and the Statue of Liberty,

4. rolled into one.

5. He seems tough. But kind.

6. Yep. He always tells us what to do and see and eat.

7. I've gotten better advice from him than from my own father.

8. Howdy, folks.

9. Howdy, howdy.

10. Check, check, uh, one.

11. Howdy.

12. Wow. I'm finally entering the Grill-Off.

13. It's just like in my dreams,

14. except in the dream, I'm wearing Tom Landry's hat.

15. Excuse me, sir.

16. You have two different boxes for charcoal, mesquite and hickory,

17. but I don't see a box on the entry for grilling with propane.

18. 'Cause you can't use gas at a grill-off.

19. Charcoal only, your choice of sauce.

20. Starting this year, bacon counts as a sauce.

21. Sir, I choose to enter this contest grilling with propane.

22. It's not a sales ploy, it's what I prefer.

23. This is a charcoal competition, always has been.

24. Why don't you take your gas and go fill up your balloons

25. or whatever you do with it,

26. and leave the grilling to the pros?

27. Two boxes for charcoal, Bobby.

28. Two boxes.

29. It's madness.

30. I know. That really boils my…

31. Makes me want to…

32. Eh…

33. I gotta level with you, Dad.

34. I've just been picturing myself on the roller coaster

35. the whole time you were talking.

36. If the election were held today,

37. I would vote for

38. nobody.

39. I know that elections don't happen today.

40. They happen on Tuesdays in months ending in vember.

41. Why do you want to talk to my mother?

42. You know, if I ever win the lotto,

43. I'm gonna buy this house, knock it down and build this house on top of it.

44. I am so sick of people

45. calling and asking to speak with the woman of the house

46. and then treating me like the baby of the house.

47. Now, now, Luanne. Let's not be the crybaby of the house.

48. - I… - Oh, my God. Look at this.

49. The Baxter Death Mansion is on the market.

50. The scene of Arlen's most notorious crime of passion.

51. Also most exciting murder ever to happen in a laundry room.

52. Oh, yeah, I remember.

53. The handsome millionaire and his girlfriend

54. were eloping to Switzerland,

55. but they were tragically stopped

56. by that crazy old woman with the bad hair.

57. Uh, and her gun.

58. Luanne, that "crazy old woman" was his wife.

59. The one who put him through medical school.

60. Oh.

61. Why don't you go play with someone your own age?

62. Hey, Connie baby-sitting an eight-year-old.

63. Give him a shot.

64. Oh, my God. It's an open house.

65. Ladies, get ready to see five sunny bedrooms,

66. eat-in kitchen, and murder.

67. Yep.

68. Yup.

69. Propane is excluded from the Texas State Fair.

70. Mm.

71. Boomhauer, are you insane?

72. I just told you they excluded propane.

73. You too?

74. First, Bobby, and now you guys?

75. Where's the outrage?

76. Rules are rules, Hank.

77. Without rules, there would be chaos.

78. That's why we no longer visit the public pool.

79. But… this is blatantly unfair.

80. Yeah, poor, poor Hank.

81. With his wife and his son, and his

82. hair.

83. Nobody will let him grill with propane.

84. Who's gonna show me some rage?

85. Dang it, I should be calming you people down,

86. telling you there's no need for violence.

87. Yeah, yeah, of course, charcoal, propane, uh-huh.

88. Hank, it's just a rule.

89. I would never teach Italian in my Spanish class,

90. even though they are practically the same language. Gotta go.

91. To really get ready for the Tilt-a-Whirl, I should've eaten a few corn dogs first.

92. If you want it to feel like the Tilt-a-Whirl,

93. you've got to tilt,

94. and snap your head around.

95. Children, stop that.

96. Play nicely.

97. What are you talking about, Luanne?

98. Don't you sass me, young man.

99. I am your elder, and I am to be treated with respect.

100. Wow.

101. If you're gonna be butchered by a spurned wife,

102. this would be the place to do it.

103. Any questions, ladies?

104. No, that's okay.

105. We're just gonna take a quick look around. Thank you.

106. Oh, I'm afraid we're only showing this house

107. to potential buyers.

108. No looky-loos.

109. If you want to rubberneck, there was a pileup out on highway 183.

110. Looky-loos?

111. Thanks for coming.

112. Super. Just super.

113. I could see my family very happy here.

114. Oh, wait

115. there is one potential deal breaker.

116. Is there a laundry room?

117. Is there a laundry room?

118. We have got to come back.

119. If we do not get to see that laundry room,

120. then the victim will have died in vain.

121. Smell that, girl.

122. Is that the smell of a second-class heat source?

123. Who's all this food for?

124. I don't even know any more.

125. No one cares.

126. Why not? It smells so good.

127. Exactly. That's because you're smelling the food.

128. See, if this were charcoal, all you'd smell is that dang smoke.

129. I hate smoke.

130. It makes my mouth taste like I kissed a guy who smokes.

131. Not that you know what it's like to kiss a guy.

132. So, well, no, some guys do,

133. just not you.

134. No, not me.

135. But I see exactly what you're saying.

136. You prefer a cleaner burning fuel.

137. That's what I was saying?

138. And… you agree with me?

139. Gotdang right I do.

140. You know what, Luanne,

141. you just earned yourself a burger.

142. Go ahead and pick one out.

143. And that's why I decided to go with State Farm.

144. Wow.

145. This is such a serious grown-up conversation.

146. I'm so tired of everybody treating me like a child.

147. Just because I live at home and always have to bum rides,

148. I still should be taken seriously.

149. Well, of course you should.

150. It's just like those people at the fair who won't take propane seriously.

151. You know what?

152. I say we go down to that fair and set up a propane grill

153. right across from those stinky charcoal grills.

154. Let the people see what they're missing.

155. You mean, like some sort of crazy protest grill?

156. That's not the kind of thing I normally go in for…

157. But they're pushing around propane,

158. and propane doesn't have arms to push back with.

159. Luanne… I'm in.

160. We're a team.

161. I want to celebrate.

162. Toss another bucket of propane on the fire.

163. Uh, Luanne?

164. Maybe I should get you some brochures.

165. What you doing, Uncle Hank?

166. What I've done is I've married the cold precision

167. of the Vogner Char King

168. with the fiery passion of the Hoffman Meat Meister.

169. I may have voided all the warranties, but I don't even care.

170. Look out, charcoal, it's Supergrill.

171. Yeah, I can make a poster with Supergrill wearing a cape

172. and saving people everywhere with his magic rainbow of meats.

173. I get it. It's a catchy image.

174. But,

175. and here's my criticism…

176. Okay, okay. I'm an adult. I can handle criticism.

177. Remember how you wanted to be taken seriously?

178. Well, so does propane.

179. Sure a rainbow of meats would be fun,

180. great for a kid's bedroom,

181. but we're looking to change lives here.

182. I understand.

183. Great. Now we've got a lot to do with just three days until the fair:

184. Build the grill, print up the pamphlets,

185. fact-check the pamphlets, design a char pattern.

186. And that's just for starters.

187. Hey, I bet I could get some people down at the college to help us.

188. I still know where it is.

189. That's a great idea.

190. Luanne, I am officially designating you recruitment coordinator.

191. That could have been us protesting for propane

192. with Hank right now.

193. Gentlemen, we dodged a very boring bullet.

194. I mean, I love ol' Hank, man, but got dang man,

195. talkin' 'bout propane, propane, propane, man,

196. How' 'bout talkin' 'bout what I do for a living, man?

197. Poor Bobby, being replaced by Luanne.

198. My dad replaced me with TV and the bottle.

199. Hey, we should let Bobby hang with us.

200. Seems the least we could do.

201. Now, when we ask him, try not to seem too needy.

202. And if he says no, pretend like we didn't want him, anyway.

203. - Just say no to the WTO. - No to animal testing.

204. Vote no on Prop 12.

205. Stop the Otter slaughter…

206. Wow, it looks like you hate everything.

207. Do you think you could hate charcoal, too?

208. I think you could persuade me.

209. Okay, everyone, let 'em hear it.

210. - No blood for… - Hi.

211. - Hi. - Hey.

212. 'Sup?

213. Now, who's ready to put on a serious protest with me and Uncle Hank?

214. Charcoal is murder.

215. Ooh, that's so good.

216. Dude, things that are murder is my thing.

217. - Smoke is murder. - Um, no blood for charcoal.

218. Uncle Hank is gonna be so excited.

219. Luanne, this Uncle Hank, he's a real uncle,

220. not an older dude who's, like, your boyfriend, right?

221. You know what? I am the babe around here.

222. I am not gonna become the mom.

223. Hey, Uncle Hank.

224. Oh, hey, Luanne. How'd it go at the college?

225. Great. I got a team. They're focused and committed.

226. I can't wait for you to see all the signs we made.

227. Uh, no rainbows or smiley faces, right?

228. Uncle Hank, we're looking to change lives here.

229. Well, all right, Luanne. Great job.

230. Just follow my lead and get ready to gloat.

231. Oh, you gals don't have jobs, do you?

232. Like I said, potential buyers only.

233. How's this for potential?

234. We will give you $200,000 over asking price.

235. Yeah, I bet you didn't see that coming.

236. Now show us the damn laundry room.

237. - Peggy, what are you doing? - Relax, Nancy.

238. We're not really gonna buy the house.

239. We're just gonna put in a bogus bid,

240. and the whole thing will fall apart during escrow.

241. Hey, looky-loos, out of my kitchen!

242. Of course, we will need some earnest money.

243. Which, on your generous offer, comes out to

244. 15,000 dollars.

245. Fine. Drive me to the bank.

246. Yep.

247. Mm, yup.

248. Yep.

249. Okay.

250. So, Bobby, are you upset by Luanne

251. usurping your first-born male right of prima-grillature?

252. Are you kidding?

253. I'm just hoping she can throw a football, too,

254. because then I'm home free.

255. That is a great attitude, Bobby.

256. You know, we should have done this years ago.

257. So, I can see why you guys like this,

258. but I've got two weeks' allowance in my pocket

259. that's screaming state fair.

260. I say let's do it.

261. - Okay. - Dang ol' good call.

262. You're as good at telling me what to do as your dad is.

263. Howdy, folks.

264. Clog dancing unlimited,

265. State grill-off, the world's smallest hippo.

266. Propane? That's a fine fuel.

267. But it ain't no match for a mesquite mix took my Grandpa 19 years to get perfect.

268. With all due respect, sir, it's not a fair competition

269. unless all heat sources are welcomed.

270. All we ask for is an equal chance.

271. Well, a man can respect that.

272. Once my team gets here,

273. you will get all the steak and information you need

274. to make an informed choice.

275. Hey, hey, hey. Ho, ho, ho.

276. Your deadly smoke has got to go.

277. Cough-cough. Choke-choke.

278. - What the… - Oh, God, protest kids.

279. - Get a job! - Hey, hey, hey. Ho, ho, ho.

280. Propane is the way to go.

281. Ready, everyone?

282. Finger of Shame.

283. Shame. Shame.

284. Hi, Uncle Hank.

285. Luanne?

286. That gal is on your team?

287. Sir, I swear to you, I…

288. 'Kay, everybody, die-in.

289. Luanne, what… I can't…

290. - What? - Isn't this great?

291. No. It's horrible.

292. Didn't you hear a word I said?

293. Yes. I heard all of them.

294. Look how serious we are.

295. Jason is dressed as Death.

296. What is more serious than Death?

297. No. No. Luanne, you're off the team.

298. What? But I'm trying…

299. I don't care what you're trying. Now get away from my grill.

300. Luanne?

301. But we haven't had our puke-in yet.

302. Luanne. Luanne!

303. - Hey, wait up. - Luanne!

304. I really do think propane is great.

305. It's a better heat source than charcoal.

306. It just is.

307. I, uh, know what you're going through.

308. I'm old enough to help propane by myself.

309. I'll show him. I just have to figure out how.

310. - And when. - You've got to do something big.

311. You gotta get his attention, like, move out of his house.

312. I mean, you could totally crash with me.

313. Thursday night, livestock show.

314. Free diabetes screenings.

315. I could crash with you,

316. or do something bigger.

317. Uh, sir?

318. That circus did not represent propane.

319. If you would just give propane another chance.

320. Sunday night, salute to the Pecan,

321. Thursd…

322. Attention, Texas.

323. Charcoal is murder..

324. Luanne?

325. Grill with propane.

326. If you don't use propane, I'm going to stomp on you.

327. Um, how do I move the legs?

328. Taste the meat, not the heat.

329. Listen, Texas.

330. Our forests are dying to make the charcoal

331. to burn the flesh of the cows you've murdered.

332. But there is another way. Propane.

333. - Just be careful who you trust. - Ah, dang it.

334. Yeah, we tried that.

335. She's got her own megaphone.

336. We can't do much besides wait her out.

337. Shoot.

338. That's his first hit, out of the dozen.

339. Lot of times, these kids don't even nick me.

340. Are you just gonna take that?

341. Well, what with the lawsuits and all…

342. But, as I say, we got it under control.

343. Huh. Anyway, I have to ask you to clear the area.

344. I'm not the one throwing eggs.

345. Sir, please don't make my job any more difficult.

346. Ha, ha. Babylon is going down.

347. Take that, Herr Fuhrer.

348. There he is. Hank Hill.

349. Who thinks he's the only one who cares about propane.

350. Shame on him.

351. Shame.

352. - Shame! - LUANNE That's right.

353. Run away. Shame.

354. Turn the wheel, Mr. Dauterive. Turn the wheel!

355. Bobby, this is what it would look like if Boomhauer and me had a baby.

356. So what should we do now, Bobby?

357. Can I have a fried twinkie?

358. Wait.

359. Don't, don't leave me.

360. So, if we grill the forest,

361. where are, like, squirrels supposed to live?

362. Luanne. Courage.

363. Can I get you anything, please?

364. A diet soda and… maybe a sandwich. Oh.

365. And could you bring me up a bucket?

366. I have to go to the ladies' room.

367. Mrs. Hill,

368. your mortgage payments would be 300 percent of your household income,

369. which is what we in the business call a "tough nut."

370. I'm gonna level with you.

371. I just wanted to see the freakin' laundry room.

372. Hmm. This is the Baxter Death Mansion?

373. Yep. And Miss "Number One on the Westside"

374. thinks you have to be a millionaire just to get a peek.

375. I think we can work something out.

376. I'm sending something down.

377. - I got it. - No, I got it.

378. And you're sure this thing is loud?

379. How's this?

380. Oh, okay, fine. I'll take it.

381. 55.99.

382. Stop that.

383. Boy, it's hot in here.

384. Where's my sandwich?

385. - Luanne, can you hear me? - Yes.

386. Then get the heck down here. You're acting like a complete jackass.

387. Uh, sir, you're not authorized to negotiate with that subject.

388. This is my protest. Why are you against me?

389. I was trying to help you with your propane.

390. Hank, what's going on?

391. It's Luanne. She's ticked off at me, and she's commandeered Big Tex.

392. I've got to find some way to get her down.

393. Aah, it's Big Tex.

394. Maybe you should ask Big Bob.

395. This is a lot like the time I locked myself in my room

396. and wouldn't come out.

397. Do you remember how you got me out?

398. Yeah. I put candy outside your door

399. and told you you had five minutes before I ate it.

400. Go for it, Dad.

401. Look, Luanne's an adult.

402. Treating her like a kid is not gonna…

403. Oh, Lord.

404. Uh, sir, I think I can get her down.

405. Uh, folks, I sort of have to say something to my niece.

406. It's kind of private,

407. so if you could all put your fingers in your ears…

408. All right. Fine.

409. Uh, Luanne,

410. I, uh, understand why you're mad at me.

411. You did something I don't agree with, and I, uh, treated you like a child.

412. And that was wrong of me because, uh…

413. I… owe you a lot.

414. Uh… but

415. working with you is, uh, you know, the whole reason I'm even here today,

416. and even though I still think what you're doing is asinine,

417. if you come down here, we can talk about it… like adults.

418. Uncle Hank,

419. I'm coming down.

420. Well, this blows chunks.

421. Yeah.

422. Dude, you just nailed a real cop.

423. - Oh, crap. - Run!

424. A front-loader.

425. Wow.

426. Thanks for coming down, Luanne.

427. Well, Officer,

428. I'm an adult now,

429. and I'm ready to do what grown-up people do.

430. Go to jail.

431. Sir, I guess the two of us are in this together.

432. I think my report is going to say

433. that while we were busy with a violent situation,

434. a non-violent offender walked off, and we were unable to locate her.

435. Come on, get out of here.

436. Thank you, officer.

437. I don't know what you're talking about.

438. Ms. Platter, I think we'd better get out of here while we still can.

439. Mr. Hill, I think you have a very good point there.

440. - Easy… - Get in the car.

441. So I have to ask.

442. Is Big Tex as amazing inside as he is from the outside?

443. Yeah.

444. You think you're gonna be really nervous, because, like, he's Big Tex and all,

445. but, actually, he's very down-to-earth.

446. Really, like being inside of a regular giant guy.

447. A man of the people.

448. I knew it.

449. Howdy, folks.

450. Today, steak grill-off.

451. Clog-dancing unlimited.

452. The world's smallest hippo.

453. Howdy.

454. Thursday night, livestock show.

455. Free diabetes screenings.

456. Howdy.

457. Sunday night, salute to the pecan.

458. Talkin' 'bout propane, propane, propane, man.