King of the Hill 8x17

Directed by Brian Sheesley

Elizabeth Perkins as Mrs. Ashmore (voice) • David Herman as Bruce Tuttle / Davy Crockett / Gerald Charping (voice) • Dennis Burkley as Principal Moss / William B. Travis (voice)

After reviewing Bobby's History textbook, Hank discovers that the story of the Alamo has been replaced. Hank teams up with Bruce Tuttle, an aspiring writer-director, to stage a re-enactment of the Battle of the Alamo, but Bruce creates a revisionist version of the story. Meanwhile, Peggy tries to use Flat Stanley to teach safety rules to children.

Request examples:

!req King of the Hill 8x17 [02:32]
!req King of the Hill 8x17 [King of the Hill 8x17]
Syntax: !req EPISODE [quote or timestamp] (max. 8 square brackets)

For quotes, now you can request by index (e.g !req King of the Hill 8x17 [10-11]; !req King of the Hill 8x17 [20] [24]). Keep in mind, though, that index numbers might change at any time.
You can also generate a copy command with the quotes. Hover the desired subtitle and enter the amount of lines you want to copy.

Subtitle languages: English • Spanish • Brazilian Portuguese

Note: you must use specific languages with their specific pages/discord channels.

1. Ripped By mstoll

2. We are now finished with the American history

3. portion of our class.

4. So today we begin our unit on Texas history.

5. Yes! Texas history! I can't wait to tell my dad!

6. There'll be steaks for dinner tonight.

7. My book is broken.

8. Well, listen more carefully.

9. Tada!

10. New textbooks?

11. They're so, they're so beautiful.

12. Now don't let the science teachers hear about this.

13. Their bunsen burners have been hooked up

14. to nothing for years.

15. I never even seen a new textbook.

16. Now I get to decide who gets mustaches

17. and who gets devil horns.

18. Okay, now remember these represent

19. Texas and a lot of money.

20. So keep your naked ladies and your words to rock songs

21. out of the margins.

22. You doodle in these books

23. and I am going to doodle you an F.

24. Now that's what I call a clean pair of glasses.

25. What are you looking for, Bobby?

26. A cover for my new text book.

27. Fire up the grill, Dad, we just started Texas history.

28. Texas history?

29. Son, today you are officially a Texan. Congratulations.

30. Bobby, you can't cover a book that important

31. with aluminum foil.

32. You need to use a paper bag.

33. Okay.

34. This one's pretty.

35. No!

36. I've got a brown paper bag in the garage.

37. And your mother only went here

38. to buy athletic socks.

39. They make a very good athletic sock.

40. I'm sorry, I can't go walking, Sug.

41. I have to answer this mail that came to the station.

42. Well, that's okay.

43. I'm on that all-you-can-eat bacon diet

44. and my time would probably be better spent

45. eating more bacon.

46. Listen to this.

47. "Because of your inaccurate forecast,

48. "my wedding was ruined,

49. you ass."

50. Oh, my God, look at that picture.

51. She is dripping wet.

52. This, Sug, is the ugly side of meteorology.

53. It isn't all free makeup samples

54. and riding in a convertible

55. in the Arlen Day parade.

56. What the hell is this?

57. Some kind of voodoo doll? My nose is not that big.

58. That is Flat Stanley.

59. Teachers have their students

60. send them out to far away places.

61. Then you take pictures of him,

62. send it back,

63. and the kids learn about geography.

64. What do these people want from me?

65. I am not God.

66. Although I am not teaching at school this week,

67. the world is my classroom, Nancy.

68. I'll take care of Flat Stanley.

69. Now, I'll start with a photo at Lake Arlen.

70. Is it going to rain today?

71. Why am I asking you?

72. Well, Bobby sure is lucky.

73. He's got 30 more years

74. of Texas history to learn then we did.

75. I defy anyone to sit through that class

76. without becoming a man of courage and conviction.

77. I truly believe that if I hadn't

78. taken Texas history I'd be dead by my own hand.

79. Dad, you've got to help me!

80. My first Texas history test

81. is tomorrow and I left my textbook

82. at school!

83. Can't use Joseph's!

84. Don't worry. I still have

85. my old textbook.

86. You can study from that.

87. Didn't they make you turn it in?

88. The student with the highest grade

89. got to keep their textbook.

90. Back then they knew how to motivate a teenager.

91. Thanks, Dad.

92. I don't want to fail and end up in summer school.

93. There's no air conditioning and half the kids are pregnant.

94. Well, no son of mine is going to flunk

95. Texas history.

96. Now what does the test cover?

97. Texas 1830 to 1840.

98. That's the Texas Revolution.

99. If you were only going to learn one piece of Texas history,

100. that'd be the one.

101. New Year's Day, 1830.

102. The smell of fresh chopped cottonwood

103. wafted across the plains.

104. This isn't in the book,

105. I just wanted to set the mood.

106. Now this is the perfect place

107. to take a picture of Flat Stanley.

108. More frozen poultry passes through this

109. loading dock than any other

110. in Heimlich County.

111. It is like the Ellis Island for dead chickens.

112. Aunt Peggy, I have a Flat Stanley question.

113. Why is he flat?

114. Exactly, Luanne.

115. And if you're asking that, how many other

116. eight-year-olds who send us Stanley,

117. ask the same thing.

118. Why is Flat Stanley flat?

119. Because he wasn't careful and got tragically

120. and painfully flattened.

121. Flat Stanley can do more than just teach geography.

122. He can save lives.

123. Put him under that semi.

124. I will call this one Look Both Ways Before Dying.

125. Dad, I failed!

126. Failed what?

127. My Texas history test.

128. Looks like I'm on my way to summer school.

129. But how? We went over everything.

130. Didn't you listen?

131. Yes! Steven F. Austin, imprisoned 1833!

132. Battle of Gonzalez, 1835!

133. But none of that stuff was on the test.

134. "The planting of the first Poinsettias?"

135. Is that your new book? Let me see it.

136. "The Introduction of the Accordion"?

137. A whole chapter on Selena?

138. Where are the chapters about the Alamo?

139. Oh, here we go.

140. "The Alamo was a mission in present-day San Antonio.

141. Population 1.5 million."

142. That's it?

143. Maybe the Alamo just isn't that important.

144. It is the most inspiring event

145. in all of Texas history!

146. Heroes giving their lives so that Texas could be free.

147. There's got to be more in here.

148. Wait, wait.

149. I think I saw something else about it.

150. Oh, that's the first Taco Bell.

151. How can you call a book Texas history

152. when there's barely any history in it?

153. You familiar with a little thing

154. called the "Serenity Prayer," Hank?

155. Because this is one of those things I can't change.

156. But where's the Texas history we grew up with, Carl?

157. You wore a coonskin cap

158. from the eighth through the 11th grade.

159. Davy Crockett isn't even mentioned in here.

160. Sorry, Hank, but you're going to have to take your complaint

161. to the school board.

162. Hey, and while you're there,

163. could you ask 'em why it's taking so long

164. to get some chalk?

165. But don't say I told you to ask.

166. Now, firearm safety is one of the most important issues

167. facing our children today.

168. Would it be easier

169. to just have the children not to shoot guns?

170. Snap out of your dream world, Luanne!

171. Fire!

172. Aunt Peggy, no!

173. How many times does he have to get shot?

174. Until he learns his lesson.

175. Mr. Hill, these are several factors we have to consider

176. when ordering textbooks.

177. They have to be relevant to today's kids

178. and hold their attention.

179. We're competing against MTV, you know.

180. No, you're not.

181. The fact is, some things just have to go.

182. Our lawyers are very concerned about the weight of books.

183. Do you know how long it takes for a 60-pound kid

184. with a 20-pound backpack to destroy his back?

185. 2.5 years.

186. We actually used that question in the new math books.

187. But the Texas Revolution,

188. how could you not include that?

189. It was making a lot of people uncomfortable.

190. Who?

191. Lawyers, mostly.

192. But these kids are Texans.

193. They need to feel like Texans.

194. Yeah! These kids aren't learning anything!

195. Well...

196. you got Tuttle's vote.

197. Maybe the two of you can build some kind of coalition

198. and come back when we order our next new textbooks... in 2032.

199. Bruce Tuttle.

200. I was here trying to get some seed money

201. for an educational film of the life and times of LBJ.

202. They wouldn't spring for it.

203. LBJ would make a great movie.

204. And in this "textbook" all they've got

205. is one picture of him lifting his dog by the ears.

206. And that was for a unit

207. on active seniors.

208. Fighting those idiots has got me starving.

209. You hungry?

210. I could eat.

211. There's more Texas history on this place mat

212. than in all of my son Bobby's textbook.

213. You know, down near San Antonio

214. they do a reenactment of the Battle of Goliad every week.

215. It stinks, but at least they got their shot.

216. Hey, if they can do that, why can't we put on

217. a reenactment of the Alamo?

218. That'd be a great way to teach the kids.

219. Sure. But there's no way the school board would pay for it.

220. Maybe they won't have to.

221. I bet Buck Strickland will foot the bill.

222. He was talking about sponsoring a soccer team,

223. but this is a much better use of the money.

224. Is it okay if I write and direct it?

225. I write the flyer for the feed store

226. and always wanted to branch out.

227. I read that flyer.

228. That's a good flyer.

229. Thanks. It's my baby.

230. They don't pay me, but still, it's a credit.

231. But this reenactment...

232. it could really be something

233. that makes people sit up and take notice.

234. Let's do it.

235. Hey, this calls for a celebration.

236. What kind of pie says heroism?

237. Strawberry.

238. Of course.

239. Oh, stupid Texas history.

240. I can't believe I'm going to summer school.

241. They don't even serve lunch...

242. just raisins and skim milk.

243. And they only open one bathroom.

244. I am sure you won't have to go to summer school.

245. No one really wants to teach it.

246. Just try to do some extra credit.

247. I have students hold doors for me.

248. Now, please put your finger here

249. so I can staple his groin together.

250. Bobby, Peggy,

251. I just met a man named Bruce Tuttle,

252. and we're doing a historical reenactment

253. of the Alamo.

254. A reenactment?

255. Hey, that could be my extra credit.

256. Can I be in it?

257. Well, Bruce did say a lot of the soldiers were teenagers.

258. I bet he could use someone like you to keep it authentic.

259. That's my specialty... keeping it real.

260. Authentic, Bobby, authentic.

261. Yep. If the school won't teach my boy Texas history

262. this reenactment will.

263. Can I help build the set, Hank?

264. It might make me feel better

265. about falling asleep in the men's room

266. at the Alamo Imax movie.

267. Yeah, man, count me in, man, use my dang ol' bowie knife,

268. man, talkin' 'bout dang ol'...

269. "Victory or death."

270. You can all help.

271. We'll be an all- volunteer crew...

272. just like the real Alamo.

273. Sirs, I bring news from the front.

274. You can get two Just a burgers for 49 cents

275. at Whataburger this week.

276. I have 49 cents.

277. The general also sends word...

278. Ladybird's water bowl is empty.

279. Hank, Bobby's making me uncomfortable again.

280. Spank him.

281. Shut up, Dale.

282. Bobby's practicing for the reenactment.

283. Mr. Tuttle said I can play

284. James Butler Bonham, Alamo messenger.

285. And my teacher said I can get extra credit

286. to make up for my "F."

287. That's great.

288. You know, the messenger is the first one to die.

289. Messenger, bring word

290. to my wife... we make love on the 'morrow.

291. Everything has to look

292. as real as possible.

293. We do this right,

294. and more than just the eyes of Arlen will be upon us.

295. That's right.

296. Kids from all over Heimlich County

297. are being bussed in.

298. Even Durndle and East Rumpert.

299. Ah, thanks, doll.

300. Hey, everybody meet

301. my baby-sitter, Sharla.

302. Hey, y'all.

303. She's helping me out with the actors.

304. You just missed a hell of a rehearsal.

305. Leave it to Bruce to find

306. the best hook-handed actor in Heimlich County.

307. What can I say? I think of everything.

308. So, Hank, how's the set coming?

309. Well, we've already cut the design out

310. of one-by and quarter inch plywood.

311. You sound like a big Hollywood set designer.

312. I guess that makes me a big Hollywood director.

313. Someday, eh?

314. You know, I joke about

315. running off to Hollywood and abandoning my kids,

316. but I don't think I could really go through with it.

317. Ah...

318. I've got work to do.

319. Nice and steady, guys.

320. The Alamo looks beautiful at dusk.

321. Oh, yeah.

322. If it were a painting it would be called

323. "Painting of Sun Setting on Alamo."

324. I'm gonna practice my line, Dad.

325. Okay, son.

326. Sir, Santa Anna's men outnumber us by the thousands.

327. General Houston sends his regards

328. but no additional troops.

329. Well, it looks like the Mexican army

330. is flying the flag of No Quarter.

331. Gentlemen, how should we respond?

332. On your order, I shall load the cannon.

333. Yeah, man, talkin' 'bout dang ol' kaboom, man.

334. We will never surrender...

335. or retreat...

336. We sure won't, Dad.

337. All right, then.

338. That's it for tonight, guys.

339. Tomorrow's the big day...

340. a chance for everyone to be at the Alamo.

341. I'm so excited, I don't know how I'm going to sleep.

342. Better drink up.

343. Well, I guess if it's to teach the kids.

344. Do we really have to worry

345. about children wandering into pork plants

346. and climbing onto the kill line?

347. Not if I do my job.

348. Hank, I just had an idea...

349. well, it was more of an inspiration.

350. I want to open the play with a speech

351. from a new character... "The Ghost of the Alamo."

352. What do you think?

353. Uh, ghost?

354. Well, it's just a device to set the stage

355. to let people know how they should feel

356. about what they're watching.

357. Huh. Sounds kind of creative,

358. but okay, you're the writer.

359. And the director.

360. Places.

361. Finally.

362. I can't wait to see it.

363. I am the ghost of the Alamo.

364. He's pretty spooky.

365. They say to remember the Alamo.

366. Well, heed their call.

367. The story is timeless, a lesson to all.

368. Where are our heroes?

369. Don't look for them here.

370. The world's not so simple.

371. The world's not so clear.

372. Uh... I don't get it.

373. Davy Crockett. Thank God.

374. It has become clear that I will never make it back

375. to my beloved Tennessee.

376. If I were a stronger man

377. I guess I wouldn't be here.

378. I would have faced up to my demons

379. instead of using dead Indians and Mexicans

380. as stepping stones back to the Senate.

381. Vengeance is the Lord's

382. and he has sent his army to vanquish us

383. for our transgressions.

384. We're all damned.

385. Don't go looking for your opium, Davy.

386. Travis smoked it all up.

387. I gave half to the prostitutes.

388. What?

389. That's not part of the Alamo.

390. Tell them to stop.

391. No, this is right.

392. Bruce moved the big escape attempt

393. to after the bear baiting scene.

394. What?

395. Surrender or die?

396. Why start being a hero now?

397. General SantaAnna!

398. General SantaAnna!

399. I surrender.

400. Oh, General!

401. That was perfect! Now once again from the top.

402. We're angry, we're drunk, we're slaveholders.

403. And... action!

404. No!

405. Not action!

406. What the hell are you doing to our Alamo?

407. You've got William B. Travis in a dress!

408. Hank, it's a little late to step in with your notes.

409. The play starts in a half hour.

410. You could have asked for a script at any time.

411. Why would I need to read a script

412. of the Alamo?

413. I know what happened and I know what didn't happen,

414. and I know William B. Travis didn't put on a dress

415. and try to abandon his men.

416. And how do you know that, Hank?

417. How do you know

418. that when the pressures became too great,

419. William B. Travis didn't try to find comfort and safety

420. in a frilly calico dress?

421. That's it. I'm gonna kick your ass.

422. Then I'm gonna re-enact kicking your ass.

423. What were you expecting anyway, the old John Wayne rehashing?

424. Yes!

425. What makes you think that vision of the Alamo

426. is any more valid than mine?

427. Historians can't even agree how many people were at the Alamo.

428. Maybe Davy Crockett wasn't on the pipe,

429. but maybe he was.

430. He was a failed politician and a deeply troubled man.

431. If Bruce is ever going

432. to get his work taken seriously

433. by the people that matter,

434. he needs to show them he's got a new perspective.

435. I think Oliver Stone and his Oscars would agree with her.

436. You know, people like you and the guys at the feed store

437. are always trying to keep me down.

438. Well, it's too late, baby.

439. Son, turn in your outfit. We're going home.

440. Dad, I know this Alamo stuff is important to you,

441. but I don't want to get an "F" and go to summer school.

442. I have to do this.

443. Damn revisionists!

444. Why can't they ever make history better...

445. where we all live in Antarctica and worship the Golden Penguin?

446. That would be great.

447. I surrender! I surrender!

448. I surrender!

449. I surrender, I surrender, I surrender!

450. Well, I can't force the schools to teach the Alamo,

451. but maybe I can still stop this travesty.

452. Are you talking sabotage, Hank?

453. 'Cause if you say sabotage, I'll say "how high?"

454. Let's do it.

455. All right, it's ten minutes to curtain.

456. That doesn't give us much time, but we built this set,

457. so we should know how to wreck it.

458. I should've paid more attention.

459. Well, my sledge hammer'll figure it out for me.

460. This'll shut Tuttle up.

461. They're all trapped inside there like the Alamo volunteers

462. and we're out here ready to take care of business

463. like General Santa Anna!

464. It's not like we're gonna kill people! Just ideas!

465. We can't shut this thing down

466. just because we don't like what they're saying.

467. I feel the fun slowing down.

468. Hank, what are you doing with those sledgehammers?

469. Oh, I get it.

470. Well, you can't censor me!

471. I'm not going to stop your show, Bruce.

472. I'm just going to "set the stage."

473. I know there are a lot of details in history

474. that are up for grabs;

475. like what Jim Bowie was thinking about right before he died,

476. or whether Davy Crockett surrendered.

477. But these are the undisputed facts:

478. In March of 1836, nearly 200 men volunteered

479. so that Texas could become a republic.

480. Even though they were under-trained,

481. outnumbered and completely surrounded,

482. they fought on and died for what they believed in.

483. And I've always found that inspiring.

484. Is that a messenger bringing news

485. from General Houston?

486. Sir, Santa Anna's men outnumber us by the thousands.

487. If this siege continues, I may have to surrender sober.

488. Hey, Dad,

489. you're gonna have to sign this.

490. I failed Texas history.

491. What? After going through with that jackass play?

492. Yeah, but I wrote in my book.

493. It's an automatic "F."

494. Oh, Bobby.

495. "The Alamo. In March of 1836, nearly 200 men..."

496. I wanted to make sure

497. kids after me knew about the Alamo.

498. You know, since you're going to summer school anyway,

499. why don't you skip class tomorrow?

500. I'll take you to Six Flags.

501. It's called Six Flags Over Texas

502. because Texas was governed

503. by six different sovereign nations.

504. There's Texas, America... Mexico, France...

505. I don't know how France got in there.

506. I think this will be the last year

507. we do Flat Stanley.

508. Ripped By mstoll

509. Hank, Bobby's making me uncomfortable again.