1. Ripped By mstollCopy !req
2. We are now finished
with the American historyCopy !req
3. portion of our class.Copy !req
4. So today we begin
our unit on Texas history.Copy !req
5. Yes! Texas history!
I can't wait to tell my dad!Copy !req
6. There'll be steaks
for dinner tonight.Copy !req
7. My book is broken.Copy !req
8. Well, listen more carefully.Copy !req
9. Tada!Copy !req
10. New textbooks?Copy !req
11. They're so,
they're so beautiful.Copy !req
12. Now don't let the science
teachers hear about this.Copy !req
13. Their bunsen burners
have been hooked upCopy !req
14. to nothing for years.Copy !req
15. I never even
seen a new textbook.Copy !req
16. Now I get to decide
who gets mustachesCopy !req
17. and who gets devil horns.Copy !req
18. Okay, now remember
these representCopy !req
19. Texas and a lot of money.Copy !req
20. So keep your naked ladies
and your words to rock songsCopy !req
21. out of the margins.Copy !req
22. You doodle in these booksCopy !req
23. and I am going
to doodle you an F.Copy !req
24. Now that's what I call
a clean pair of glasses.Copy !req
25. What are you looking for, Bobby?Copy !req
26. A cover
for my new text book.Copy !req
27. Fire up the grill, Dad,
we just started Texas history.Copy !req
28. Texas history?Copy !req
29. Son, today you are officially
a Texan. Congratulations.Copy !req
30. Bobby, you can't cover
a book that importantCopy !req
31. with aluminum foil.Copy !req
32. You need to use a paper bag.Copy !req
33. Okay.Copy !req
34. This one's pretty.Copy !req
35. No!Copy !req
36. I've got a brown
paper bag in the garage.Copy !req
37. And your mother
only went hereCopy !req
38. to buy athletic socks.Copy !req
39. They make a very
good athletic sock.Copy !req
40. I'm sorry, I can't
go walking, Sug.Copy !req
41. I have to answer this mail
that came to the station.Copy !req
42. Well, that's okay.Copy !req
43. I'm on that
all-you-can-eat bacon dietCopy !req
44. and my time would probably
be better spentCopy !req
45. eating more bacon.Copy !req
46. Listen to this.Copy !req
47. "Because of your
inaccurate forecast,Copy !req
48. "my wedding was ruined,Copy !req
49. you ass."Copy !req
50. Oh, my God,
look at that picture.Copy !req
51. She is dripping wet.Copy !req
52. This, Sug, is the ugly
side of meteorology.Copy !req
53. It isn't all
free makeup samplesCopy !req
54. and riding
in a convertibleCopy !req
55. in the Arlen Day parade.Copy !req
56. What the hell is this?Copy !req
57. Some kind of voodoo doll?
My nose is not that big.Copy !req
58. That is Flat Stanley.Copy !req
59. Teachers have
their studentsCopy !req
60. send them out
to far away places.Copy !req
61. Then you take
pictures of him,Copy !req
62. send it back,Copy !req
63. and the kids learn
about geography.Copy !req
64. What do these people
want from me?Copy !req
65. I am not God.Copy !req
66. Although I am not
teaching at school this week,Copy !req
67. the world
is my classroom, Nancy.Copy !req
68. I'll take care
of Flat Stanley.Copy !req
69. Now, I'll start
with a photo at Lake Arlen.Copy !req
70. Is it going to rain today?Copy !req
71. Why am I asking you?Copy !req
72. Well, Bobby sure is lucky.Copy !req
73. He's got 30
more yearsCopy !req
74. of Texas history
to learn then we did.Copy !req
75. I defy anyone to sit
through that classCopy !req
76. without becoming a man
of courage and conviction.Copy !req
77. I truly believe
that if I hadn'tCopy !req
78. taken Texas history
I'd be dead by my own hand.Copy !req
79. Dad, you've
got to help me!Copy !req
80. My first Texas
history testCopy !req
81. is tomorrow
and I left my textbookCopy !req
82. at school!Copy !req
83. Can't use Joseph's!Copy !req
84. Don't worry.
I still haveCopy !req
85. my old textbook.Copy !req
86. You can study from that.Copy !req
87. Didn't they make
you turn it in?Copy !req
88. The student with
the highest gradeCopy !req
89. got to keep
their textbook.Copy !req
90. Back then they knew
how to motivate a teenager.Copy !req
91. Thanks, Dad.Copy !req
92. I don't want to fail
and end up in summer school.Copy !req
93. There's no air conditioning
and half the kids are pregnant.Copy !req
94. Well, no son of mine
is going to flunkCopy !req
95. Texas history.Copy !req
96. Now what does the test cover?Copy !req
97. Texas 1830 to 1840.Copy !req
98. That's the Texas Revolution.Copy !req
99. If you were only going to learn
one piece of Texas history,Copy !req
100. that'd be the one.Copy !req
101. New Year's Day, 1830.Copy !req
102. The smell of fresh
chopped cottonwoodCopy !req
103. wafted across the plains.Copy !req
104. This isn't in the book,Copy !req
105. I just wanted
to set the mood.Copy !req
106. Now this is
the perfect placeCopy !req
107. to take a picture
of Flat Stanley.Copy !req
108. More frozen poultry
passes through thisCopy !req
109. loading dock
than any otherCopy !req
110. in Heimlich County.Copy !req
111. It is like the Ellis Island
for dead chickens.Copy !req
112. Aunt Peggy, I have
a Flat Stanley question.Copy !req
113. Why is he flat?Copy !req
114. Exactly, Luanne.Copy !req
115. And if you're asking that,
how many otherCopy !req
116. eight-year-olds
who send us Stanley,Copy !req
117. ask the same thing.Copy !req
118. Why is Flat Stanley flat?Copy !req
119. Because he wasn't careful
and got tragicallyCopy !req
120. and painfully flattened.Copy !req
121. Flat Stanley can do more than
just teach geography.Copy !req
122. He can save lives.Copy !req
123. Put him under that semi.Copy !req
124. I will call this one
Look Both Ways Before Dying.Copy !req
125. Dad, I failed!Copy !req
126. Failed what?Copy !req
127. My Texas history test.Copy !req
128. Looks like I'm on my way
to summer school.Copy !req
129. But how?
We went over everything.Copy !req
130. Didn't you listen?Copy !req
131. Yes! Steven F. Austin,
imprisoned 1833!Copy !req
132. Battle of Gonzalez, 1835!Copy !req
133. But none of that stuff
was on the test.Copy !req
134. "The planting of the
first Poinsettias?"Copy !req
135. Is that your new book?
Let me see it.Copy !req
136. "The Introduction
of the Accordion"?Copy !req
137. A whole chapter on Selena?Copy !req
138. Where are the chapters
about the Alamo?Copy !req
139. Oh, here we go.Copy !req
140. "The Alamo was a mission
in present-day San Antonio.Copy !req
141. Population 1.5 million."Copy !req
142. That's it?Copy !req
143. Maybe the Alamo
just isn't that important.Copy !req
144. It is the most
inspiring eventCopy !req
145. in all of Texas history!Copy !req
146. Heroes giving their lives so
that Texas could be free.Copy !req
147. There's got to be more in here.Copy !req
148. Wait, wait.Copy !req
149. I think I saw something else
about it.Copy !req
150. Oh, that's the
first Taco Bell.Copy !req
151. How can you call a book
Texas historyCopy !req
152. when there's barely
any history in it?Copy !req
153. You familiar with
a little thingCopy !req
154. called the
"Serenity Prayer," Hank?Copy !req
155. Because this is one
of those things I can't change.Copy !req
156. But where's the Texas history
we grew up with, Carl?Copy !req
157. You wore a coonskin capCopy !req
158. from the eighth through
the 11th grade.Copy !req
159. Davy Crockett isn't even
mentioned in here.Copy !req
160. Sorry, Hank, but you're going to
have to take your complaintCopy !req
161. to the school board.Copy !req
162. Hey, and while
you're there,Copy !req
163. could you ask 'em
why it's taking so longCopy !req
164. to get some chalk?Copy !req
165. But don't say
I told you to ask.Copy !req
166. Now, firearm safety is one
of the most important issuesCopy !req
167. facing our children today.Copy !req
168. Would it be easierCopy !req
169. to just have the children
not to shoot guns?Copy !req
170. Snap out of your
dream world, Luanne!Copy !req
171. Fire!Copy !req
172. Aunt Peggy, no!Copy !req
173. How many times does
he have to get shot?Copy !req
174. Until he learns his lesson.Copy !req
175. Mr. Hill, these are several
factors we have to considerCopy !req
176. when ordering textbooks.Copy !req
177. They have to be relevant
to today's kidsCopy !req
178. and hold their attention.Copy !req
179. We're competing against
MTV, you know.Copy !req
180. No, you're not.Copy !req
181. The fact is, some things
just have to go.Copy !req
182. Our lawyers are very concerned
about the weight of books.Copy !req
183. Do you know how long it
takes for a 60-pound kidCopy !req
184. with a 20-pound backpack
to destroy his back?Copy !req
185. 2.5 years.Copy !req
186. We actually used
that question in the new math books.Copy !req
187. But the Texas Revolution,Copy !req
188. how could you not include that?Copy !req
189. It was making a lot
of people uncomfortable.Copy !req
190. Who?Copy !req
191. Lawyers, mostly.Copy !req
192. But these kids are Texans.Copy !req
193. They need to feel like Texans.Copy !req
194. Yeah! These kids aren't
learning anything!Copy !req
195. Well...Copy !req
196. you got Tuttle's vote.Copy !req
197. Maybe the two of you can build
some kind of coalitionCopy !req
198. and come back when we order our
next new textbooks... in 2032.Copy !req
199. Bruce Tuttle.Copy !req
200. I was here trying to get
some seed moneyCopy !req
201. for an educational film
of the life and times of LBJ.Copy !req
202. They wouldn't spring for it.Copy !req
203. LBJ would make a great movie.Copy !req
204. And in this "textbook"
all they've gotCopy !req
205. is one picture of him lifting
his dog by the ears.Copy !req
206. And that was for a unitCopy !req
207. on active seniors.Copy !req
208. Fighting those idiots
has got me starving.Copy !req
209. You hungry?Copy !req
210. I could eat.Copy !req
211. There's more Texas history
on this place matCopy !req
212. than in all of my son
Bobby's textbook.Copy !req
213. You know, down near
San AntonioCopy !req
214. they do a reenactment of the
Battle of Goliad every week.Copy !req
215. It stinks, but at least
they got their shot.Copy !req
216. Hey, if they can do that,
why can't we put onCopy !req
217. a reenactment of the Alamo?Copy !req
218. That'd be a great way
to teach the kids.Copy !req
219. Sure. But there's
no way the school board would pay for it.Copy !req
220. Maybe they won't have to.Copy !req
221. I bet Buck Strickland
will foot the bill.Copy !req
222. He was talking about
sponsoring a soccer
team,Copy !req
223. but this is a much better use
of the money.Copy !req
224. Is it okay if I write
and direct it?Copy !req
225. I write the flyer
for the feed storeCopy !req
226. and always wanted to branch out.Copy !req
227. I read that flyer.Copy !req
228. That's a good flyer.Copy !req
229. Thanks. It's my baby.Copy !req
230. They don't pay me, but still,
it's a credit.Copy !req
231. But this reenactment...Copy !req
232. it could
really be somethingCopy !req
233. that makes people sit up
and take notice.Copy !req
234. Let's do it.Copy !req
235. Hey, this calls for
a celebration.Copy !req
236. What kind of pie
says heroism?Copy !req
237. Strawberry.Copy !req
238. Of course.Copy !req
239. Oh, stupid Texas history.Copy !req
240. I can't believe I'm going
to summer school.Copy !req
241. They don't even
serve lunch...Copy !req
242. just raisins and skim milk.Copy !req
243. And they only
open one bathroom.Copy !req
244. I am sure you won't have
to go to summer school.Copy !req
245. No one really wants
to teach it.Copy !req
246. Just try to do
some extra credit.Copy !req
247. I have students hold doors
for me.Copy !req
248. Now, please put
your finger hereCopy !req
249. so I can staple his groin
together.Copy !req
250. Bobby, Peggy,Copy !req
251. I just met a man named
Bruce Tuttle,Copy !req
252. and we're doing
a historical reenactmentCopy !req
253. of the Alamo.Copy !req
254. A reenactment?Copy !req
255. Hey, that could be
my extra credit.Copy !req
256. Can I be in it?Copy !req
257. Well, Bruce did say a lot
of the soldiers were teenagers.Copy !req
258. I bet he could use someone
like you to keep it authentic.Copy !req
259. That's my specialty...
keeping it real.Copy !req
260. Authentic, Bobby, authentic.Copy !req
261. Yep. If the school won't teach
my boy Texas historyCopy !req
262. this reenactment will.Copy !req
263. Can I help build
the set, Hank?Copy !req
264. It might make me feel betterCopy !req
265. about falling asleep
in the men's roomCopy !req
266. at the Alamo Imax movie.Copy !req
267. Yeah, man, count me in, man,
use my dang ol' bowie knife,Copy !req
268. man, talkin' 'bout
dang ol'...Copy !req
269. "Victory or death."Copy !req
270. You can all help.Copy !req
271. We'll be an all-
volunteer crew...Copy !req
272. just like the real Alamo.Copy !req
273. Sirs, I bring news
from the front.Copy !req
274. You can get two
Just a burgers for 49 centsCopy !req
275. at Whataburger this week.Copy !req
276. I have 49 cents.Copy !req
277. The general
also sends word...Copy !req
278. Ladybird's water bowl
is empty.Copy !req
279. Hank, Bobby's making me
uncomfortable again.Copy !req
280. Spank him.Copy !req
281. Shut up, Dale.Copy !req
282. Bobby's practicing for
the reenactment.Copy !req
283. Mr. Tuttle said
I can playCopy !req
284. James Butler Bonham,
Alamo messenger.Copy !req
285. And my teacher said
I can get extra creditCopy !req
286. to make up for my "F."Copy !req
287. That's great.Copy !req
288. You know, the messenger is
the first one to die.Copy !req
289. Messenger, bring wordCopy !req
290. to my wife... we make
love on the 'morrow.Copy !req
291. Everything has to lookCopy !req
292. as real as possible.Copy !req
293. We do this right,Copy !req
294. and more than just the eyes
of Arlen will be upon us.Copy !req
295. That's right.Copy !req
296. Kids from all over
Heimlich CountyCopy !req
297. are being bussed in.Copy !req
298. Even Durndle
and East Rumpert.Copy !req
299. Ah, thanks, doll.Copy !req
300. Hey, everybody meetCopy !req
301. my baby-sitter,
Sharla.Copy !req
302. Hey, y'all.Copy !req
303. She's helping me out
with the actors.Copy !req
304. You just missed
a hell of a rehearsal.Copy !req
305. Leave it to Bruce
to findCopy !req
306. the best hook-handed actor
in Heimlich County.Copy !req
307. What can I say?
I think of everything.Copy !req
308. So, Hank, how's
the set coming?Copy !req
309. Well, we've already cut
the design outCopy !req
310. of one-by and quarter inch
plywood.Copy !req
311. You sound like
a big Hollywood set designer.Copy !req
312. I guess that makes me a big
Hollywood director.Copy !req
313. Someday, eh?Copy !req
314. You know, I joke aboutCopy !req
315. running off to Hollywood
and abandoning my kids,Copy !req
316. but I don't think I could
really go through with it.Copy !req
317. Ah...Copy !req
318. I've got work to do.Copy !req
319. Nice and steady, guys.Copy !req
320. The Alamo looks
beautiful at dusk.Copy !req
321. Oh, yeah.Copy !req
322. If it were a painting
it would be calledCopy !req
323. "Painting of Sun
Setting on Alamo."Copy !req
324. I'm gonna practice
my line, Dad.Copy !req
325. Okay, son.Copy !req
326. Sir, Santa Anna's men
outnumber us by the thousands.Copy !req
327. General Houston
sends his regardsCopy !req
328. but no additional troops.Copy !req
329. Well, it looks like
the Mexican armyCopy !req
330. is flying the flag
of No Quarter.Copy !req
331. Gentlemen,
how should we respond?Copy !req
332. On your order, I shall
load the cannon.Copy !req
333. Yeah, man, talkin'
'bout dang ol' kaboom, man.Copy !req
334. We will never surrender...Copy !req
335. or retreat...Copy !req
336. We sure won't, Dad.Copy !req
337. All right, then.Copy !req
338. That's it for tonight, guys.Copy !req
339. Tomorrow's the big day...Copy !req
340. a chance for everyone
to be at the Alamo.Copy !req
341. I'm so excited, I don't know
how I'm going to sleep.Copy !req
342. Better drink up.Copy !req
343. Well, I guess if it's
to teach the kids.Copy !req
344. Do we really have
to worryCopy !req
345. about children wandering
into pork plantsCopy !req
346. and climbing
onto the kill line?Copy !req
347. Not if I do my job.Copy !req
348. Hank, I just had an idea...Copy !req
349. well, it was more
of an inspiration.Copy !req
350. I want to open the play
with a speechCopy !req
351. from a new character...
"The Ghost of the Alamo."Copy !req
352. What do you think?Copy !req
353. Uh, ghost?Copy !req
354. Well, it's just a device
to set the stageCopy !req
355. to let people know how they
should feelCopy !req
356. about what they're watching.Copy !req
357. Huh. Sounds kind
of creative,Copy !req
358. but okay,
you're the writer.Copy !req
359. And the director.Copy !req
360. Places.Copy !req
361. Finally.Copy !req
362. I can't wait to see it.Copy !req
363. I am the ghost of the Alamo.Copy !req
364. He's pretty spooky.Copy !req
365. They say to remember
the Alamo.Copy !req
366. Well, heed their call.Copy !req
367. The story is timeless,
a lesson to all.Copy !req
368. Where are our heroes?Copy !req
369. Don't look for them here.Copy !req
370. The world's not
so simple.Copy !req
371. The world's not so clear.Copy !req
372. Uh... I don't get it.Copy !req
373. Davy Crockett. Thank God.Copy !req
374. It has become clear that
I will never make it backCopy !req
375. to my beloved Tennessee.Copy !req
376. If I were
a stronger manCopy !req
377. I guess I wouldn't be here.Copy !req
378. I would have faced up
to my demonsCopy !req
379. instead of using dead Indians
and MexicansCopy !req
380. as stepping stones back
to the Senate.Copy !req
381. Vengeance is the Lord'sCopy !req
382. and he has sent his army
to vanquish usCopy !req
383. for our transgressions.Copy !req
384. We're all damned.Copy !req
385. Don't go looking for
your opium, Davy.Copy !req
386. Travis smoked it all up.Copy !req
387. I gave half
to the prostitutes.Copy !req
388. What?Copy !req
389. That's not part
of the Alamo.Copy !req
390. Tell them to stop.Copy !req
391. No, this is right.Copy !req
392. Bruce moved the big
escape attemptCopy !req
393. to after
the bear baiting scene.Copy !req
394. What?Copy !req
395. Surrender or die?Copy !req
396. Why start being a hero now?Copy !req
397. General SantaAnna!Copy !req
398. General SantaAnna!Copy !req
399. I surrender.Copy !req
400. Oh, General!Copy !req
401. That was perfect!
Now once again from the top.Copy !req
402. We're angry, we're drunk,
we're slaveholders.Copy !req
403. And... action!Copy !req
404. No!Copy !req
405. Not action!Copy !req
406. What the hell
are you doing to our Alamo?Copy !req
407. You've got William
B. Travis in a dress!Copy !req
408. Hank, it's a little late
to step in with your notes.Copy !req
409. The play starts in a half hour.Copy !req
410. You could have asked
for a script at any time.Copy !req
411. Why would I need
to read a scriptCopy !req
412. of the Alamo?Copy !req
413. I know what happened
and I know what didn't happen,Copy !req
414. and I know William B. Travis
didn't put on a dressCopy !req
415. and try to abandon his men.Copy !req
416. And how do you know that, Hank?Copy !req
417. How do you knowCopy !req
418. that when the pressures became
too great,Copy !req
419. William B. Travis didn't try
to find comfort and safetyCopy !req
420. in a frilly calico dress?Copy !req
421. That's it.
I'm gonna kick your ass.Copy !req
422. Then I'm gonna re-enact
kicking your ass.Copy !req
423. What were you expecting anyway,
the old John Wayne rehashing?Copy !req
424. Yes!Copy !req
425. What makes you think
that vision of the AlamoCopy !req
426. is any more valid than mine?Copy !req
427. Historians can't even agree how
many people were at the Alamo.Copy !req
428. Maybe Davy Crockett wasn't
on the pipe,Copy !req
429. but maybe he was.Copy !req
430. He was a failed politician
and a deeply troubled man.Copy !req
431. If Bruce is ever goingCopy !req
432. to get his work
taken seriouslyCopy !req
433. by the people
that matter,Copy !req
434. he needs to show them
he's got a new perspective.Copy !req
435. I think Oliver Stone and his
Oscars would agree with her.Copy !req
436. You know, people like you
and the guys at the feed storeCopy !req
437. are always trying
to keep me down.Copy !req
438. Well, it's too late, baby.Copy !req
439. Son, turn in your outfit.
We're going home.Copy !req
440. Dad, I know this Alamo stuff
is important to you,Copy !req
441. but I don't want to get an "F"
and go to summer school.Copy !req
442. I have to do this.Copy !req
443. Damn revisionists!Copy !req
444. Why can't they ever make
history better...Copy !req
445. where we all live in Antarctica
and worship the Golden Penguin?Copy !req
446. That would be great.Copy !req
447. I surrender!
I surrender!Copy !req
448. I surrender!Copy !req
449. I surrender, I surrender,
I surrender!Copy !req
450. Well, I can't force
the schools to teach the Alamo,Copy !req
451. but maybe I can still stop
this travesty.Copy !req
452. Are you talking
sabotage, Hank?Copy !req
453. 'Cause if you say sabotage,
I'll say "how high?"Copy !req
454. Let's do it.Copy !req
455. All right, it's ten minutes
to curtain.Copy !req
456. That doesn't give us much time,
but we built this set,Copy !req
457. so we should know how
to wreck it.Copy !req
458. I should've paid
more attention.Copy !req
459. Well, my sledge hammer'll
figure it out for me.Copy !req
460. This'll shut Tuttle up.Copy !req
461. They're all trapped inside there
like the Alamo volunteersCopy !req
462. and we're out here ready
to take care of businessCopy !req
463. like General Santa Anna!Copy !req
464. It's not like we're gonna kill
people! Just ideas!Copy !req
465. We can't shut this thing downCopy !req
466. just because we don't like
what they're saying.Copy !req
467. I feel the fun slowing down.Copy !req
468. Hank, what are you doing
with those sledgehammers?Copy !req
469. Oh, I get it.Copy !req
470. Well, you can't censor me!Copy !req
471. I'm not going
to stop your show, Bruce.Copy !req
472. I'm just going
to "set the stage."Copy !req
473. I know there are a lot
of details in historyCopy !req
474. that are up for grabs;Copy !req
475. like what Jim Bowie was thinking
about right before he died,Copy !req
476. or whether Davy Crockett
surrendered.Copy !req
477. But these are
the undisputed facts:Copy !req
478. In March of 1836,
nearly 200 men volunteeredCopy !req
479. so that Texas could become
a republic.Copy !req
480. Even though they were
under-trained,Copy !req
481. outnumbered and completely
surrounded,Copy !req
482. they fought on and died
for what they believed in.Copy !req
483. And I've always found that
inspiring.Copy !req
484. Is that a messenger
bringing newsCopy !req
485. from General Houston?Copy !req
486. Sir, Santa Anna's men
outnumber us by the thousands.Copy !req
487. If this siege continues,
I may have to surrender sober.Copy !req
488. Hey, Dad,Copy !req
489. you're gonna have
to sign this.Copy !req
490. I failed Texas history.Copy !req
491. What? After going through
with that jackass play?Copy !req
492. Yeah, but I wrote in my book.Copy !req
493. It's an automatic "F."Copy !req
494. Oh, Bobby.Copy !req
495. "The Alamo. In March of
1836, nearly 200 men..."Copy !req
496. I wanted to make sureCopy !req
497. kids after me
knew about the Alamo.Copy !req
498. You know, since you're going
to summer school anyway,Copy !req
499. why don't you skip class
tomorrow?Copy !req
500. I'll take you to Six Flags.Copy !req
501. It's called Six Flags
Over TexasCopy !req
502. because Texas
was governedCopy !req
503. by six different
sovereign nations.Copy !req
504. There's Texas, America...
Mexico, France...Copy !req
505. I don't know how
France got in there.Copy !req
506. I think this will be
the last yearCopy !req
507. we do Flat Stanley.Copy !req
508. Ripped By mstollCopy !req
509. Hank, Bobby's making me
uncomfortable again.Copy !req