1. Ripped By mstollCopy !req
2. To Travis.Copy !req
3. May you have as many sick days
in retirement as you hadCopy !req
4. in your 40 years working
at Strickland Propane.Copy !req
5. Which is three.Copy !req
6. Speech! Speech!Copy !req
7. Yeah, come on ol' boy.
Go ahead.Copy !req
8. Well, it's funny.Copy !req
9. This was just supposed
to be a two-week gigCopy !req
10. until I got my pilot's license.Copy !req
11. But I guess,
like so many other dreams,Copy !req
12. time has a way of slipping
through your fingers and...Copy !req
13. Cake?Copy !req
14. Mmm, this
is delicious.Copy !req
15. Travis didn't want
to take this home?Copy !req
16. No, he's a diabetic.Copy !req
17. The cake was just
for ceremony.Copy !req
18. Hmm, diabetic, huh.Copy !req
19. Well, Travis does not know
what he's missing.Copy !req
20. Yep, the new guy starts Monday
and I'm kinda nervous for him.Copy !req
21. It can't be easy coming in
as a rookieCopy !req
22. to a championship team.Copy !req
23. Now, that's true.Copy !req
24. 13 years later, Lady Bird
still has it out for Bobby.Copy !req
25. What?Copy !req
26. Well, who wants coffee?Copy !req
27. So the thing
about working here is,Copy !req
28. we treat all our customersCopy !req
29. like they're purchasing
a Vogner Imperiale,Copy !req
30. even if they can only
afford the Citizen.Copy !req
31. Oh, and even though
the display food is plasticCopy !req
32. we still like you to wash
your hands before handling it.Copy !req
33. Wow, this sure is a world away
from Taco Bueno.Copy !req
34. You've got 40 years.Copy !req
35. You'll get the swing of it.Copy !req
36. Well, I'll let you hit
the books there, "rookie."Copy !req
37. Whistling
was Travis's thing.Copy !req
38. Oh. Sorry.Copy !req
39. That's okay, Rich.Copy !req
40. You had no way of knowing that.Copy !req
41. Thanks for the coupon
to the Olive Garden, Hank.Copy !req
42. The Tour of Italy was delicious.Copy !req
43. Hey, Rich, why don't you
pull up a chair?Copy !req
44. That's okay.Copy !req
45. You gota full table.Copy !req
46. I'll just eat in my car.Copy !req
47. Nonsense.
We'll make room.Copy !req
48. Oh, yeah. Squeeze in.Copy !req
49. We were just talking
about the Olive Garden, Rich.Copy !req
50. Oh, I love that place.Copy !req
51. They got a couple
of waitressesCopy !req
52. I wouldn't kick out of bed
for eating lasagna,Copy !req
53. if you get
what I'm saying.Copy !req
54. Uh, Rich, could you
give me a handCopy !req
55. unloading those meat
thermometers out back?Copy !req
56. Sure.Copy !req
57. So, where do you
want me?Copy !req
58. There are no meat
thermometers out
here, Rich.Copy !req
59. I just made that up
to save you the embarrassment.Copy !req
60. I think you might've learned
some bad habits at Taco Bueno.Copy !req
61. Oh, yeah?Copy !req
62. That comment about the, uh...Copy !req
63. the lasagna.Copy !req
64. Well, here at Strickland,Copy !req
65. we try not to say things
that are not funnyCopy !req
66. and also disgusting.Copy !req
67. Oh, I crossed the line.Copy !req
68. I'm sorry.Copy !req
69. It was just off the cuff.Copy !req
70. I thought Donna laughed.Copy !req
71. Well, she was
being polite.Copy !req
72. That's why we keep her
at the front desk.Copy !req
73. Uh, I didn't think
she was just being...Copy !req
74. You know what?
Doesn't matter.Copy !req
75. Rules are rules.Copy !req
76. Attaboy, Rich.Copy !req
77. You'll do just fine.Copy !req
78. "Eating lasagna in bed."Copy !req
79. Hey, Rich...Copy !req
80. you get those meat
thermometers put away?Copy !req
81. Uh, yeah, except for the one
I got right here.Copy !req
82. You stole
a meat therm... Oh!Copy !req
83. Hey, can you toss me
that back brace?Copy !req
84. I got some heavy lifting
to do here.Copy !req
85. Me, too.Copy !req
86. Where's the urinal?Copy !req
87. That was Moretti's Grill.Copy !req
88. They're having problems
with the burners again.Copy !req
89. I need an eight-inch L-pipe.Copy !req
90. That's what she said.Copy !req
91. Oh, did their hostess call, too?Copy !req
92. Uh, yeah.Copy !req
93. Huh... oh, here's one.Copy !req
94. Well, I should be back by 3:00.Copy !req
95. I hope the threading's
not stripped.Copy !req
96. I mean, if I have to do it
manually,Copy !req
97. I'll be down there for hours.Copy !req
98. That's what she said...
Right?Copy !req
99. Yes, Enrique.Copy !req
100. That is exactly
what she said.Copy !req
101. Yeah, uh,Copy !req
102. I don't know why
I'm laughing.Copy !req
103. Sounds like
I'm gonna beCopy !req
104. down there all night.Copy !req
105. It was really weird.Copy !req
106. I showed up
at Moretti's Grill
to do some workCopy !req
107. and the hostess didn't
even know I was coming.Copy !req
108. Hostesses can be very flighty.Copy !req
109. That's why they only let them
carry menus.Copy !req
110. Yeah, but before I left
the office,Copy !req
111. the new guy made it soundCopy !req
112. like she was on top
of everything.Copy !req
113. Heck, even as I was heading
out the door,Copy !req
114. I just mentioned that
I hoped my cordless drillCopy !req
115. had enough juice for the job,Copy !req
116. and Rich said,
"That's what she said,"Copy !req
117. and then everybody
high-fived and... oh...Copy !req
118. Oh, no. It was
an "intimate'joke!Copy !req
119. God, Joe Jack
was laughing,Copy !req
120. and Donna was laughing.Copy !req
121. I've never seen them
laugh so hard.Copy !req
122. Yes, people do love
the off-color jokes.Copy !req
123. You would not believe
how many times the kids ask meCopy !req
124. how to say poo-poo
in Spanish.Copy !req
125. Ugh.Copy !req
126. It's la tierra de la trasero.Copy !req
127. The literal translation
is "earth of the butt."Copy !req
128. I made it up but
the kids seem to like it.Copy !req
129. And how!Copy !req
130. Yep.Copy !req
131. Yup.Copy !req
132. Mmm-hmm.Copy !req
133. It's official.Copy !req
134. I've quit smoking.Copy !req
135. I'm off the junk.Copy !req
136. Well, good for you, Dale.Copy !req
137. What brought this on?Copy !req
138. Oh, Nancy's
been naggin' meCopy !req
139. ever since our bed
caught fire.Copy !req
140. I went a little heavy
on the aftershave,Copy !req
141. lit one up,
and kaboom.Copy !req
142. Check out my eyebrows.Copy !req
143. It's mascara.Copy !req
144. Well, congratulations.Copy !req
145. I know how hard it is
to quit smoking.Copy !req
146. Not with my nifty
little miracle cure.Copy !req
147. Yes, gentlemen, it crushes
the cravingCopy !req
148. without any
of the undesirable side effects.Copy !req
149. Chewing tobacco?Copy !req
150. That's disgusting.Copy !req
151. Will someone please tell me
what happened to good manners?Copy !req
152. It's like this new guy at work.Copy !req
153. He turns every little comment
into a vulgarity.Copy !req
154. It's awful.Copy !req
155. I'll tell
you what, man...Copy !req
156. it's like the dang old world has
become a sewer, man.Copy !req
157. Like them
shock jocks,Copy !req
158. and them rappers,
too, man.Copy !req
159. Like got ol' Miss Manners'
panties in a bunch, man.Copy !req
160. You're right.Copy !req
161. I can't believe the filthCopy !req
162. they're putting on TV
these days.Copy !req
163. And they just beam it right
into my home.Copy !req
164. I hit the Pay-Per-View button
and there it is,Copy !req
165. right in front of me!Copy !req
166. Well, that's life
in the 21st century for you.Copy !req
167. We just have to learn
to accept it.Copy !req
168. Accept it, Bill.Copy !req
169. Well, crudeness might be
"cool" everywhere else,Copy !req
170. but I won't accept it
in my home,Copy !req
171. and I certainly won't accept it
in my home away from home.Copy !req
172. From now on
at Strickland Propane,Copy !req
173. "she" is going
to say nothing.Copy !req
174. That's what I said!Copy !req
175. Hey, someone tickle me.Copy !req
176. I want to make this stuff
come out my nose.Copy !req
177. Hey, Donna, listen
to the new nicknameCopy !req
178. that Rich thought
up for Enrique.Copy !req
179. You mean, Enri-GAY!Copy !req
180. Man, you could
be on Mad TV.Copy !req
181. Yeah, but then
I couldn't hang outCopy !req
182. here with you
and Joe Jack.Copy !req
183. Or should I say
"Low Crack?"Copy !req
184. Pull up your pantsCopy !req
185. before I drop
a quarter in thereCopy !req
186. and make a phone call.Copy !req
187. Hey, what's the matter,
Low Crack?Copy !req
188. Can't you take a joke?Copy !req
189. I can take it.Copy !req
190. That's what
she said!
That's what she said.Copy !req
191. Oh, man!Copy !req
192. Okay, someone want to tell me
what's so funny here?Copy !req
193. Maybe you should
ask Enri-Gay!Copy !req
194. You'd know better
than me, Low Crack!Copy !req
195. No. No. That is not funny.Copy !req
196. It's the kind of thing
a first-grader would say,Copy !req
197. and then he'd get his mouth
washed out with soap.Copy !req
198. Now, this is a place of work,Copy !req
199. so I want this behavior
to stop right now.Copy !req
200. It's crude, unprofessional,
and just plain not funny.Copy !req
201. Is there a problem here, Hank?Copy !req
202. Nope. We were just
having a little discussionCopy !req
203. on office decorum.Copy !req
204. Nothing I can't handle.Copy !req
205. Well, all right, then.Copy !req
206. Yall should
be well-advisedCopy !req
207. to do what this
man tells you.Copy !req
208. He is my proxy when
I am in absentia.Copy !req
209. Thank you, sir.Copy !req
210. I appreciate you
getting behind me.Copy !req
211. That's what she said.Copy !req
212. "Getting behind me."Copy !req
213. Ooo-wee! That's funny!
Damn, you quick, boy!Copy !req
214. That's what she said...
about Joe Jack!Copy !req
215. (Strickland howlingCopy !req
216. Stop! Stop! No!
No! No! Don't stop!Copy !req
217. That's what she said!Copy !req
218. Sir, no!Copy !req
219. You're funnier
than that comedianCopy !req
220. that ruined
Monday Night Football.Copy !req
221. Here's my specimen sample,
honey.Copy !req
222. Good Lord, OI' Top!Copy !req
223. What you doing
in there?Copy !req
224. No, no. That was not me.Copy !req
225. It's not funny.Copy !req
226. And a waste of a perfectly good
nine-volt battery.Copy !req
227. How do the Chinese
let themselvesCopy !req
228. get talked into
making these things?Copy !req
229. Hoo! What did do for fun
before we had one of these?Copy !req
230. Yeah. Quitting
smokingCopy !req
231. is the best thing
I've ever done.Copy !req
232. Check this out.Copy !req
233. A couple of days ago,
that would have killed me.Copy !req
234. Hey, Hank.Copy !req
235. Don't you want a beer?Copy !req
236. What I want is a professional
working environment,Copy !req
237. where it's hard work
that earns your colleagues' respect,Copy !req
238. not the ability to rhyme your name
with a body part.Copy !req
239. You got that in
your cooler, Bill?Copy !req
240. If I check, you're going
to make fun of me, right?Copy !req
241. Was that Hank?Copy !req
242. I blacked out
there for a second.Copy !req
243. I don't get it.Copy !req
244. What is so funnyCopy !req
245. about putting a prophylactic
on my Mag-lite?Copy !req
246. Not the Mag-lite
I gave you for Christmas?Copy !req
247. Well, needless to say,Copy !req
248. it went straight
into the garbage.Copy !req
249. Dad, I've dealt with a lot
of bullies in my day,Copy !req
250. and I've learned that
the most effective strategyCopy !req
251. is to fight fire with fire.Copy !req
252. Whoopee cushions?
Plastic vomit?Copy !req
253. I thought I banned these things
from the house.Copy !req
254. Dad, now is not the time.Copy !req
255. Poo in a can!Copy !req
256. Remember that creep
Pete Sheldon?Copy !req
257. The wet willie guy?Copy !req
258. Well, a little
dab of this on
his chair, and...Copy !req
259. let's just say his new nickname
is "Peter Pantload."Copy !req
260. Hey, what
are you doing?Copy !req
261. I'm throwing this stuff out.Copy !req
262. When you stoop to their level,
you're no better than they are.Copy !req
263. At least leave me the fake barf.Copy !req
264. I've got gym tomorrow!Copy !req
265. All righty!Copy !req
266. Ready to hit the links, Ol' Top?Copy !req
267. Don't want to keep
the clients waiting.Copy !req
268. You kidding, sir?Copy !req
269. I've been looking forward
to it all week.Copy !req
270. Oh, yeah.Copy !req
271. About that, Hank...Copy !req
272. What? You're taking him?Copy !req
273. He can't handle
the Vista Village account.Copy !req
274. Tell me the difference between
a Positive Placement PumpCopy !req
275. and a Vertical Turbine Pump.Copy !req
276. Um... I know the placement
of my pump.Copy !req
277. And, when I see your mama...Copy !req
278. That's it!Copy !req
279. I'm kicking your ass!Copy !req
280. Ooh! Now who's the potty mouth?Copy !req
281. Now, get hold of yourself, Hank.Copy !req
282. This ain't no fraternity party.Copy !req
283. You can't
go around
hitting people.Copy !req
284. Come on, Rich.
Let's ske-doot.Copy !req
285. Don't worry, boss.Copy !req
286. I'll wow these guys.Copy !req
287. I worked up this
great little bitCopy !req
288. with the ball washer.Copy !req
289. And I can't
wait to see it!Copy !req
290. Hey, you made a lane change
without signaling!Copy !req
291. Thanks for seeing me,
Mrs. Borginnis.Copy !req
292. It's Ms. Borginnis,
but, yes, I'm married.Copy !req
293. And Borginnis is
my husband's name.Copy !req
294. Uh...Copy !req
295. So why don't you
tell me your problem?Copy !req
296. Well, as you can
probably tell from my jacketCopy !req
297. and my hat and my shirt,Copy !req
298. I sell propane
and propane accessories.Copy !req
299. Uh-huh.
Now, don't get me wrong...Copy !req
300. I have the best job
in the world...Copy !req
301. but this guy Rich has been
making a lot of, uh, jokes.Copy !req
302. Jokes?
What kind of jokes?Copy !req
303. Knock-knock? Ding-dong?Copy !req
304. What are
we talking about?Copy !req
305. Uh... jokes that, uh...
you know, use vulgarity.Copy !req
306. You know, jokes about
morning nature functions.Copy !req
307. Plus, I can't say the word
"meat" without someone giggling.Copy !req
308. And, yesterday,
someone took myCopy !req
309. "Employee of the Month" picture,
and drew a beard on it.Copy !req
310. But not where you think.Copy !req
311. Pervasive pattern
of demeaning behavior,Copy !req
312. hostile work environment
affecting job performance.Copy !req
313. Mr. Hill, I believe we have
a strong case for a lawsuitCopy !req
314. based on male-on-male
sexual harassment.Copy !req
315. Male-on-male sexual harassment?
Ugh! No!Copy !req
316. Look, sexual harassment
is just an umbrella termCopy !req
317. that covers a wide variety
of offenses.Copy !req
318. Do you validate,Copy !req
319. or am I stuck
for the 75 cents?Copy !req
320. Please,
just take this literature.Copy !req
321. You know what?
I'll pay the 75 cents myself.Copy !req
322. Oh! Propane emergency.Copy !req
323. Ma'am, I'm gonna need
to commandeer your phone.Copy !req
324. This is Hank Hill,
Strickland Propane.Copy !req
325. Yes. I'd like
to report a gas leak.Copy !req
326. Oh, okay. Just remain calm,
and tell me where it is.Copy !req
327. It's... in your pants!Copy !req
328. Hang up, 01' Top,
or he'll know it's us!Copy !req
329. Ms. Borginnis,Copy !req
330. I'll take
that literature.Copy !req
331. See? Sexual harassmentCopy !req
332. is an umbrella term.Copy !req
333. It doesn't just cover
women, but also men...Copy !req
334. and "transgender individuals."Copy !req
335. Hank, you'll
be a trailblazer.Copy !req
336. Now, I know it is not fun
being the first,Copy !req
337. but it may mean
you could be the last.Copy !req
338. That's a great line
for the movie.Copy !req
339. Jo Beth Williams
will knock it out of the park.Copy !req
340. Ass tag!Copy !req
341. Hey, you're it!Copy !req
342. Hey, Enrique,Copy !req
343. I didn't know you were marriedCopy !req
344. to a monkey.Copy !req
345. What happened
to the picture
of my wife?Copy !req
346. I don't know.
Did you check the men's room?Copy !req
347. I'm married to a monkey.Copy !req
348. I got to make this quick,
but I love you.Copy !req
349. Someone's coming.Copy !req
350. Oh, Hank, I was just...Copy !req
351. Shh, we don't
have much time.Copy !req
352. I've been watching you.Copy !req
353. You don't think
any of this Rich stuffCopy !req
354. is funny, either, do you?Copy !req
355. What do you mean?Copy !req
356. I think he...Copy !req
357. I hate it. I hate it!Copy !req
358. I don't want to come to work.Copy !req
359. I have nightmares.Copy !req
360. I can't even eat
a hot dog anymore.Copy !req
361. Well, I think I know
how we can stop it.Copy !req
362. I talked with this lawyer
who thinks we can sue for...Copy !req
363. uh, you know, uh,
male-on-male sexual harassment.Copy !req
364. Sexual harassment?Copy !req
365. It's an umbrella term.Copy !req
366. You and me suing
for sexual harassment?Copy !req
367. I'm sorry, Hank.Copy !req
368. Hey, Enrique, look who just
came out of the closet.Copy !req
369. Yep.Copy !req
370. Yep.Copy !req
371. Mm-hmm.Copy !req
372. What you got there?Copy !req
373. Oh, Nancy's at it again.Copy !req
374. Now she's got
some new ruleCopy !req
375. about spitting
on the carpet,Copy !req
376. so now I have to stuff
my chewing tobaccoCopy !req
377. into this paper cone
and inhale the aroma.Copy !req
378. Not...Copy !req
379. really...Copy !req
380. working.Copy !req
381. Boomhauer, you're a genius.Copy !req
382. What should we call
this new invention?Copy !req
383. Well, I guess
that's a night.Copy !req
384. Back to the potty factory
tomorrow.Copy !req
385. Did Hank get
a new job?Copy !req
386. I'm choking!Copy !req
387. Need something to drink.Copy !req
388. Ass tag time-out.Copy !req
389. Hey, I didn't get a time-out
when I cut my thumb open.Copy !req
390. Come on, guys,
have a heart.Copy !req
391. Joe Jack's choking.
Time out.Copy !req
392. Here you go, Joe Jack.Copy !req
393. Have a soda.Copy !req
394. Nice try.Copy !req
395. I think I got a clogged nozzle.Copy !req
396. Can you guys take a look?Copy !req
397. This man needs
to be serviced.Copy !req
398. Would you like to service
this man, Enrique?Copy !req
399. Uh, no.Copy !req
400. Look, I got
the extended warranty.Copy !req
401. Extended, huh?Copy !req
402. To hell with this.Copy !req
403. Good morning, sir.
Are you being helped?Copy !req
404. You're the ones
who need help.Copy !req
405. That does it.Copy !req
406. This is a place of businessCopy !req
407. and you've turned it
into a cesspool.Copy !req
408. Lighten up, Mrs. Hill.Copy !req
409. We're just having fun.Copy !req
410. No, you're having fun.Copy !req
411. But I'm not.Copy !req
412. And I know for a fact
that Enrique hates it.Copy !req
413. Joe Jack, you've been coughing
since I walked in hereCopy !req
414. because you're too scared
to get up and get a drink.Copy !req
415. Ha-ha, choking to death
is real funny.Copy !req
416. Look at us.Copy !req
417. Wallowing in
our own filthy behavior.Copy !req
418. So bent on being crass
we can't even trust each other.Copy !req
419. Sure, it's done
in the name of comedy,Copy !req
420. but is debasing ourselves
really that hilarious?Copy !req
421. Don't you wish we could still
say words like "meat"Copy !req
422. and "tool" and "unit"
without someone turning itCopy !req
423. into something foul?Copy !req
424. Those are our words.Copy !req
425. I say let's take 'em back.Copy !req
426. Even if we do agree
with you, honey,Copy !req
427. Buck thinks it's funny,Copy !req
428. and he's the one
signing our paychecks.Copy !req
429. Hank, wow, I guess
I didn't realizeCopy !req
430. how bad you felt
about this.Copy !req
431. But there's something
else you don't realize.Copy !req
432. You are open.Copy !req
433. Ass tag!Copy !req
434. How about it?Copy !req
435. Let's hear it
for the number one
Ass-assin!Copy !req
436. That does it.Copy !req
437. I don't care what Buck
or anyone else thinks,Copy !req
438. I'm going to do what
your mom should have doneCopy !req
439. a long time ago.Copy !req
440. Come on, Hank.
Let go.Copy !req
441. Mr. Strickland
isn't going to like this.Copy !req
442. Oh, going to brush
your teeth before you kiss me?Copy !req
443. Well, still not interested.Copy !req
444. No, Rich, you've got
a potty mouthCopy !req
445. and I'm going
to wash it out with soap.Copy !req
446. What? No!Copy !req
447. Come on, guys.
Give me a hand.Copy !req
448. Hank, let him go!Copy !req
449. What has gotten into you?Copy !req
450. Buck, he attacked me!Copy !req
451. Sir, it's true,Copy !req
452. but I just couldn't take
this garbage anymore.Copy !req
453. Either it doesn't belong
in the workplace, or I don't.Copy !req
454. You heard him, Buck.
Fire him.Copy !req
455. You all feel
the same as Hank?Copy !req
456. Even about the fart machine?Copy !req
457. Well, hell, I never thought
it was funny, neither.Copy !req
458. Terrible stuff.Copy !req
459. Uh-uh. Vulgar
is what it was.Copy !req
460. But Buck...Copy !req
461. Watch it, Rich,Copy !req
462. or I'll turn Hank loose
with a toilet scrubber.Copy !req
463. Okay, team, gather round.Copy !req
464. I'm going to tell you
about the new improvementsCopy !req
465. on the Vogner 2800 series.Copy !req
466. The first thing is that it will
smoke your meat.Copy !req
467. And it's got a nice big rack
for your buns.Copy !req
468. Or wieners.Copy !req
469. Or wieners. Why not?Copy !req
470. Ripped By mstollCopy !req