1. To Travis.Copy !req
2. May you have as many sick days
in retirement as you hadCopy !req
3. in your 40 years working
at Strickland Propane.Copy !req
4. Which is three.Copy !req
5. Speech! Speech!Copy !req
6. Yeah, come on ol' boy. Go ahead.Copy !req
7. Well, it's funny.Copy !req
8. This was just supposed
to be a two-week gigCopy !req
9. until I got my pilot's license.Copy !req
10. But I guess, like so many other dreams,Copy !req
11. time has a way of slipping
through your fingers and…Copy !req
12. Cake?Copy !req
13. - Cake's good.
- And tasty. Yeah!Copy !req
14. Mm, this is delicious.Copy !req
15. Travis didn't want to take this home?Copy !req
16. No, he's a diabetic.Copy !req
17. The cake was just for ceremony.Copy !req
18. Hmm, diabetic, huh?Copy !req
19. Well, Travis does not know
what he's missing.Copy !req
20. Yep, the new guy starts Monday,
and I'm kinda nervous for him.Copy !req
21. It can't be easy coming in as a rookieCopy !req
22. to a championship team.Copy !req
23. Now, that's true.Copy !req
24. Thirteen years later,
Lady Bird still has it out for Bobby.Copy !req
25. What?Copy !req
26. Well, who wants coffee?Copy !req
27. So the thing about working here is,
we treat all our customersCopy !req
28. like they're purchasing
a Vogner Imperiale,Copy !req
29. even if they can only afford the Citizen.Copy !req
30. Oh, and even though
the display food is plasticCopy !req
31. we still like you to wash your hands
before handling it.Copy !req
32. Wow, this sure is a world away
from Taco Bueno.Copy !req
33. You've got 40 years.Copy !req
34. You'll get the swing of it.Copy !req
35. Well, I'll let you hit
the books there, "rookie."Copy !req
36. Whistling was Travis's thing.Copy !req
37. Oh. Sorry.Copy !req
38. That's okay, Rich.Copy !req
39. You had no way of knowing that.Copy !req
40. Thanks for the coupon
to the Olive Garden, Hank.Copy !req
41. The "Tour of Italy" was delicious.Copy !req
42. Hey, Rich, why don't you pull up a chair?Copy !req
43. That's okay.Copy !req
44. You got a full table.Copy !req
45. I'll just eat in my car.Copy !req
46. Nonsense. We'll make room.Copy !req
47. Oh, yeah. Squeeze in.Copy !req
48. We were just talking
about the Olive Garden, Rich.Copy !req
49. Oh, I love that place.Copy !req
50. They got a couple of waitressesCopy !req
51. I wouldn't kick out of bed
for eating lasagneCopy !req
52. if you get what I'm saying.Copy !req
53. Uh, Rich, could you give me a handCopy !req
54. unloading those
meat thermometers out back?Copy !req
55. Sure.Copy !req
56. So, where do you want me?Copy !req
57. There are no meat thermometers
out here, Rich.Copy !req
58. I just made that up
to save you the embarrassment.Copy !req
59. I think you might've learnedCopy !req
60. - some bad habits at Taco Bueno.
- Oh, yeah?Copy !req
61. That comment about the, uh, the lasagne.Copy !req
62. Well, here at Strickland,Copy !req
63. we try not to say thingsCopy !req
64. that are not funny and also disgusting.Copy !req
65. Oh, I crossed the line. I'm sorry.Copy !req
66. It was just off the cuff.Copy !req
67. I thought Donna laughed.Copy !req
68. Well, she was being polite.Copy !req
69. That's why we keep her at the front desk.Copy !req
70. Uh, I didn't think she was just being…Copy !req
71. You know what? Doesn't matter.Copy !req
72. Rules are rules.Copy !req
73. Attaboy, Rich.Copy !req
74. You'll do just fine.Copy !req
75. "Eating lasagne in bed."Copy !req
76. Hey, RichCopy !req
77. you get those meat thermometers put away?Copy !req
78. Uh, yeah, except
for the one I got right here.Copy !req
79. You stole a meat therm…Copy !req
80. Hey, can you toss me that back brace?Copy !req
81. I got some heavy lifting to do here.Copy !req
82. Me too.Copy !req
83. Where's the urinal?Copy !req
84. That was Moretti's Grill.Copy !req
85. They're having problems
with the burners again.Copy !req
86. I need an eight-inch L-pipe.Copy !req
87. That's what "she" said.Copy !req
88. Oh, did their hostess call, too?Copy !req
89. Uh, yeah.Copy !req
90. Huh. Oh, here's one.Copy !req
91. Well, I should be back by three.Copy !req
92. I hope the threading's not stripped.Copy !req
93. I mean, if I have to do it manually,Copy !req
94. I'll be down there for hours.Copy !req
95. That's what she said… right?Copy !req
96. Yes, Enrique.Copy !req
97. That is exactly what she said.Copy !req
98. Yeah, uh…Copy !req
99. I don't know why I'm laughing.Copy !req
100. Sounds like I'm gonna be
down there all night.Copy !req
101. It was really weird.Copy !req
102. I showed up at Moretti's Grill
to do some work,Copy !req
103. and the hostess didn't
even know I was coming.Copy !req
104. Hostesses can be very flighty.Copy !req
105. That's why they only let them carry menus.Copy !req
106. Yeah, but before I left the office,Copy !req
107. the new guy made it sound
like she was on top of everything.Copy !req
108. Heck, even as I was heading out the door,Copy !req
109. I just mentioned that
I hoped my cordless drillCopy !req
110. had enough juice for the job,Copy !req
111. and Rich said, "That's what she said,"Copy !req
112. and then everybody high-fived and… oh…Copy !req
113. Oh, no. It was an "intimate" joke!Copy !req
114. God, Joe Jack was laughing,Copy !req
115. and Donna was laughing.Copy !req
116. I've never seen them laugh so hard.Copy !req
117. Yes, people do love the off-color jokes.Copy !req
118. You would not believe
how many times the kids ask meCopy !req
119. how to say poo-poo in Spanish.Copy !req
120. Ugh.Copy !req
121. It's la tierra de la trasero.Copy !req
122. The literal translation
is "earth of the butt."Copy !req
123. I made it up but the kids seem to like it.Copy !req
124. And how!Copy !req
125. Yep.Copy !req
126. Yup.Copy !req
127. Mmm-hmm.Copy !req
128. It's official.Copy !req
129. I've quit smoking.Copy !req
130. I'm off the junk.Copy !req
131. Well, good for you, Dale.Copy !req
132. What brought this on?Copy !req
133. Oh, Nancy's been naggin' meCopy !req
134. ever since our bed caught fire.Copy !req
135. I went a little heavy on the aftershave,Copy !req
136. lit one up, and kaboom.Copy !req
137. Check out my eyebrows.Copy !req
138. It's mascara.Copy !req
139. Well, congratulations.Copy !req
140. I know how hard it is to quit smoking.Copy !req
141. Not with my nifty little miracle cure.Copy !req
142. Yes, gentlemen, it crushes the cravingCopy !req
143. without any
of the undesirable side effects.Copy !req
144. Chewing tobacco?Copy !req
145. That's disgusting.Copy !req
146. Will someone please tell me
what happened to good manners?Copy !req
147. It's like this new guy at work.Copy !req
148. He turns every little comment
into a vulgarity.Copy !req
149. It's awful.Copy !req
150. I'll tell you what, man.Copy !req
151. It's like the dang ol' world
has become a sewer, man.Copy !req
152. Like with them shock jocks,
and them rappers, too, man.Copy !req
153. Like, got ol' Miss Manners' panties
in a bunch, man.Copy !req
154. You're right.Copy !req
155. I can't believe the filth
they're putting on TV these days.Copy !req
156. And they just beam it right into my home.Copy !req
157. I hit the pay-per-view button
and there it is, right in front of me!Copy !req
158. Well, that's life
in the 21st century for you.Copy !req
159. We just have to learn to accept it.Copy !req
160. Accept it, Bill.Copy !req
161. Well, crudeness might be
"cool" everywhere else,Copy !req
162. but I won't accept it in my home,Copy !req
163. and I certainly won't accept it
in my home away from home.Copy !req
164. From now on at Strickland Propane,Copy !req
165. "she" is going to say nothing.Copy !req
166. That's what I said!Copy !req
167. Hey, someone tickle me.Copy !req
168. I want to make this stuff
come out my nose.Copy !req
169. Hey, Donna,Copy !req
170. listen to the new nicknameCopy !req
171. that Rich thought up for Enrique.Copy !req
172. You mean, "Enri-gay?"Copy !req
173. Man, you could be on Mad TV.Copy !req
174. Yeah, but then I couldn't hang out here
with you and Joe Jack.Copy !req
175. Or should I say "Low Crack?"Copy !req
176. Pull up your pants
before I drop a quarter in thereCopy !req
177. and make a phone call.Copy !req
178. Hey, what's the matter, Low Crack?Copy !req
179. Can't you take a joke?Copy !req
180. I can take it.Copy !req
181. - That's what she said!
- That's what she said.Copy !req
182. Oh, man!Copy !req
183. Okay, someone wanna tell me
what's so funny here?Copy !req
184. Maybe you should ask Enri-gay?Copy !req
185. You'd know better than me, Low Crack!Copy !req
186. No. No. That is not funny.Copy !req
187. It's the kind of thing
a first-grader would say,Copy !req
188. and then he'd get his mouth
washed out with soap.Copy !req
189. Now, this is a place of work,Copy !req
190. so I want this behavior to stop right now.Copy !req
191. It's crude, unprofessional,
and just plain not funny.Copy !req
192. Is there a problem here, Hank?Copy !req
193. Nope. We were just having
a little discussion on office decorum.Copy !req
194. Nothing I can't handle.Copy !req
195. Well, all right, then.Copy !req
196. Y'all should be well-advisedCopy !req
197. to do what this man tells you.Copy !req
198. He is my proxy when I am in absentia.Copy !req
199. Thank you, sir.
I appreciate you getting behind me.Copy !req
200. That's what she said.Copy !req
201. "Get… get behind me."Copy !req
202. Ooo-wee!Copy !req
203. That's funny! Damn, you quick, boy!Copy !req
204. That's what she said… about Joe Jack!Copy !req
205. Stop! Stop! No! No! No! Don't stop!Copy !req
206. That's what she said!Copy !req
207. Sir, no!Copy !req
208. You're funnier than that comedianCopy !req
209. that ruined Monday Night Football.Copy !req
210. Here's my specimen sample, honey.Copy !req
211. I'm doin' stuff!Copy !req
212. Good Lord, Ol' Top!Copy !req
213. What you doing in there?Copy !req
214. No, no. That was not me.Copy !req
215. It's not funny.Copy !req
216. And a waste of a perfectly good
nine-volt battery.Copy !req
217. How do the Chinese let themselvesCopy !req
218. get talked into making these things?Copy !req
219. Hoo! What did do for fun
before we had one of these?Copy !req
220. Yeah. Quitting smokingCopy !req
221. is the best thing I've ever done.Copy !req
222. Check this out.Copy !req
223. A couple of days ago,
that would have killed me.Copy !req
224. Hey, Hank.Copy !req
225. Don't you want a beer?Copy !req
226. What I want
is a professional working environment,Copy !req
227. where it's hard work
that earns your colleagues' respect,Copy !req
228. not the ability to rhyme your name
with a body part.Copy !req
229. You got that in your cooler, Bill?Copy !req
230. If I check, you're gonna
make fun of me, right?Copy !req
231. Was that Hank?Copy !req
232. I blacked out there for a second.Copy !req
233. I don't get it.Copy !req
234. What is so funnyCopy !req
235. about putting a prophylactic
on my Maglite?Copy !req
236. Not the MagliteCopy !req
237. I gave you for Christmas?Copy !req
238. Well, needless to say,Copy !req
239. it went straight into the garbage.Copy !req
240. Dad,Copy !req
241. I've dealt with a lot
of bullies in my day,Copy !req
242. and I've learned
that the most effective strategyCopy !req
243. is to fight fire with fire.Copy !req
244. Whoopee cushions? Plastic vomit?Copy !req
245. I thought I banned these things
from the house.Copy !req
246. Dad, now is not the time.Copy !req
247. Poo in a can!Copy !req
248. Remember that creep Pete Sheldon?Copy !req
249. The wet Willie guy? Well…Copy !req
250. A little dab of this on his chair, andCopy !req
251. let's just say his new nickname
is "Peter Pantload."Copy !req
252. Hey, what are you doing?Copy !req
253. I'm throwing this stuff out.Copy !req
254. When you stoop to their level,
you're no better than they are.Copy !req
255. At least leave me the fake barf.Copy !req
256. I've got gym tomorrow!Copy !req
257. All righty!Copy !req
258. Ready to hit the links, Old Top?Copy !req
259. Don't wanna keep the clients waiting.Copy !req
260. You kidding, sir?Copy !req
261. I've been looking forward to it all week.Copy !req
262. Oh, yeah.Copy !req
263. About that, Hank.Copy !req
264. What? You're taking him?Copy !req
265. He can't handle the Vista Village account.Copy !req
266. Tell me the difference between
a Positive Placement PumpCopy !req
267. and a Vertical Turbine Pump.Copy !req
268. Um…Copy !req
269. I know the placement of my pump.Copy !req
270. And, when I see your mama…Copy !req
271. That's it! I'm kicking your ass!Copy !req
272. Ooh!Copy !req
273. Now, who's the potty mouth?Copy !req
274. Now, get hold of yourself, Hank.Copy !req
275. This ain't no fraternity party.Copy !req
276. You can't go around hitting people.Copy !req
277. Come on, Rich. Let's ske-doo.Copy !req
278. Don't worry, boss.Copy !req
279. I'll wow these guys.Copy !req
280. I worked up this great little bit
with the ball washer.Copy !req
281. And I can't wait to see it!Copy !req
282. Hey, you made a lane change
without signaling!Copy !req
283. Thanks for seeing me, Mrs. Borginnis.Copy !req
284. It's Ms. Borginnis, but, yes, I'm married.Copy !req
285. And Borginnis is my husband's name.Copy !req
286. Uh…Copy !req
287. So why don't you tell me your problem?Copy !req
288. Well, as you can probably tell
from my jacketCopy !req
289. and my hat and my shirt,Copy !req
290. I sell propane and propane accessories.Copy !req
291. - Uh-huh.
- Now, don't get me wrong.Copy !req
292. I have the best job in the world.Copy !req
293. But this guy Rich has been
making a lot of, uh, jokes.Copy !req
294. Jokes? What kind of jokes?Copy !req
295. Knock-knock? Ding-dong?
What are we talking about?Copy !req
296. Uh… jokes that, uh…
you know, use vulgarity.Copy !req
297. You know, jokes about
morning nature functions.Copy !req
298. Plus, I can't say the word
"meat" without someone giggling.Copy !req
299. And, yesterday, someone took my.Copy !req
300. "Employee of the Month" picture
and drew a beard on it.Copy !req
301. But not where you think.Copy !req
302. Pervasive pattern of demeaning behavior,Copy !req
303. hostile work environment
affecting job performance.Copy !req
304. Mr. Hill, I believe we have
a strong case for a lawsuitCopy !req
305. based on male-on-male sexual harassment.Copy !req
306. Male-on-male sexual harassment?Copy !req
307. Ugh! No!Copy !req
308. Look, sexual harassment
is just an umbrella termCopy !req
309. that covers a wide variety of offenses.Copy !req
310. Do you validate,
or am I stuck for the 75 cents?Copy !req
311. Please, just take this literature.Copy !req
312. You know what?
I'll pay the 75 cents myself.Copy !req
313. Oh! Propane emergency.Copy !req
314. Ma'am, I'm gonna need
to commandeer your phone.Copy !req
315. This is Hank Hill, Strickland Propane.Copy !req
316. Yes. I'd like to report a gas leak.Copy !req
317. Oh, okay. Just remain calm,
and tell me where it is.Copy !req
318. It's… in your pants!Copy !req
319. Hang up, Old Top,
or he'll know it's us!Copy !req
320. Ms. Borginnis,Copy !req
321. I'll take that literature.Copy !req
322. See? Sexual harassmentCopy !req
323. is an umbrella term.Copy !req
324. It doesn't just cover women,Copy !req
325. but also men
and… "transgender individuals."Copy !req
326. Hank, you'll be a trailblazer.Copy !req
327. Now, I know it is not fun being the first,Copy !req
328. but it may mean you could be the last.Copy !req
329. That's a great line for the movie.Copy !req
330. Jo Beth Williams will knock it out
of the park.Copy !req
331. Ass tag! Hoo-hoo!Copy !req
332. Take that…Copy !req
333. Hey, ha-ha! You're it!Copy !req
334. Hey, Enrique.Copy !req
335. I didn't know you were married
to a monkey.Copy !req
336. What happened to the picture of my wife?Copy !req
337. I don't know.
Did you check the men's room?Copy !req
338. I'm married to a monkey.Copy !req
339. I gotta make this quick, but I love you.Copy !req
340. Wait. Someone's coming.Copy !req
341. Oh, Hank.Copy !req
342. - I was just…
- Shh.Copy !req
343. We don't have much time.Copy !req
344. I've been watching you.Copy !req
345. You don't think any of this Rich stuff
is funny, either, do you?Copy !req
346. What do you mean? I think he…Copy !req
347. Ah, I hate it. I hate it!Copy !req
348. I don't wanna come to work.Copy !req
349. I have nightmares.Copy !req
350. I can't even eat a hot dog anymore.Copy !req
351. Well, I think I know how we can stop it.Copy !req
352. I talked with this lawyer
who thinks we can sue forCopy !req
353. uh, you know, uh,
male-on-male sexual harassment.Copy !req
354. Sexual harassment?Copy !req
355. It's an umbrella term.Copy !req
356. You and me suing for sexual harassment?Copy !req
357. I'm sorry, Hank.Copy !req
358. Hey, Enrique, look who just
came out of the closet.Copy !req
359. Yep.Copy !req
360. Yep.Copy !req
361. Mm-hmm.Copy !req
362. What you got there?Copy !req
363. Oh, Nancy's at it again.Copy !req
364. Now she's got some new ruleCopy !req
365. about spitting on the carpet,Copy !req
366. so now I have to stuff my chewing tobaccoCopy !req
367. into this paper cone and inhale the aroma.Copy !req
368. NotCopy !req
369. reallyCopy !req
370. working.Copy !req
371. Boomhauer, you're a genius.Copy !req
372. What should we call this new invention?Copy !req
373. Well, I guess that's a night.Copy !req
374. Back to the potty factory tomorrow.Copy !req
375. Did Hank get a new job?Copy !req
376. I'm choking!Copy !req
377. Need something to drink.Copy !req
378. Ass tag time-out.Copy !req
379. Hey, I didn't get a time-out
when I cut my thumb open.Copy !req
380. Come on, guys, have a heart.Copy !req
381. Joe Jack's choking. Time out.Copy !req
382. Hey, here you go, Joe Jack.Copy !req
383. Have a soda.Copy !req
384. Nice try.Copy !req
385. Yeah, I think I got a clogged nozzle.Copy !req
386. Can you guys take a look?Copy !req
387. This man needs to be serviced.Copy !req
388. Would you like to service
this man, Enrique?Copy !req
389. Uh, no.Copy !req
390. Look, I got the extended warranty.Copy !req
391. Extended, huh?Copy !req
392. To hell with this.Copy !req
393. Good morning, sir. Are you being helped?Copy !req
394. You're the ones who need help.Copy !req
395. Hoo-hoo!Copy !req
396. That does it.Copy !req
397. This is a place of businessCopy !req
398. and you've turned it into a cesspool.Copy !req
399. Lighten up, Mrs. Hill.Copy !req
400. We're just having fun.Copy !req
401. No, you're having fun. But I'm not.Copy !req
402. And I know for a fact
that Enrique hates it.Copy !req
403. Joe Jack, you've been coughing
since I walked in hereCopy !req
404. because you're too scared
to get up and get a drink.Copy !req
405. Ha-ha, choking to death is real funny.Copy !req
406. Look at us.Copy !req
407. Wallowing in our own filthy behavior.Copy !req
408. So bent on being crass
we can't even trust each other.Copy !req
409. Sure, it's done in the name of comedy,Copy !req
410. but is debasing ourselves
really that hilarious?Copy !req
411. Don't you wish we could
still say words like "meat"Copy !req
412. and "tool" and "unit"Copy !req
413. without someone turning it
into something foul?Copy !req
414. Those are our words.Copy !req
415. I say let's take 'em back.Copy !req
416. Even if we do agree with you, honey,Copy !req
417. Buck thinks it's funny,Copy !req
418. and he's the one signing our paychecks.Copy !req
419. Hank, wow.Copy !req
420. I guess I didn't realize
how bad you felt about this.Copy !req
421. But there's something
else you don't realize.Copy !req
422. You are open.Copy !req
423. Ass tag!Copy !req
424. How about it?Copy !req
425. Let's hear it
for the number one "ass-assin"!Copy !req
426. That does it.Copy !req
427. I don't care what Buck
or anyone else thinks,Copy !req
428. I'm gonna do what your mom
should have doneCopy !req
429. - a long time ago.
- Hey!Copy !req
430. Come on, Hank. Let go.Copy !req
431. Mr. Strickland isn't gonna like this.Copy !req
432. Oh, gonna brush your teeth
before you kiss me?Copy !req
433. Well, still not interested.Copy !req
434. No, Rich, you've got a potty mouth,Copy !req
435. and I'm gonna wash it out with soap.Copy !req
436. What? No!Copy !req
437. Come on, guys. Give me a hand.Copy !req
438. Hank, let him go!Copy !req
439. What has gotten into you?Copy !req
440. Buck, he attacked me!Copy !req
441. Sir, it's true,Copy !req
442. but I just couldn't take
this garbage anymore.Copy !req
443. Either it doesn't belong
in the workplace, or I don't.Copy !req
444. You heard him, Buck. Fire him.Copy !req
445. You all feel the same as Hank?Copy !req
446. Even about the fart machine?Copy !req
447. Well, hell, I never thought
it was funny, neither.Copy !req
448. Terrible stuff.Copy !req
449. Uh-uh. Vulgar is what it was.Copy !req
450. - But Buck…
- Watch it, Rich,Copy !req
451. or I'll turn Hank loose
with a toilet scrubber.Copy !req
452. Okay, team, gather round.Copy !req
453. I'm going to tell you
about the new improvementsCopy !req
454. on the Vogner 2800 series.Copy !req
455. The first thing is that
it will smoke your meat.Copy !req
456. And it's got a nice big rack
for your buns.Copy !req
457. Or wieners.Copy !req
458. Or wieners. Why not?Copy !req
459. Feels good to say wieners again.Copy !req
460. Or sausage.Copy !req
461. That's what she said…
about Joe Jack!Copy !req