1. Mm, something smells good.Copy !req
2. It's the menu.Copy !req
3. Hah! Even the menu smells good
at Rattlesnakes.Copy !req
4. Luanne, Luanne,
what did I tell you…Copy !req
5. Hey, Peggy,
if I get the chicken-fried chickenCopy !req
6. and you get the chicken-fried steak,
we can…Copy !req
7. Just a moment.Copy !req
8. There is something
that I must take care of.Copy !req
9. I do so know enoughCopy !req
10. not to put a salad-size fork
in the spoon bin.Copy !req
11. Well, that fork didn't just walk along
and hop in there by herself, did she now?Copy !req
12. No, she, she couldn't have.Copy !req
13. Excuse me, ma'am.Copy !req
14. Why are you calling my niece a liar?Copy !req
15. Luanne knows we have a way
of doing things here at Rattlesnakes.Copy !req
16. She also knows the consequences
of not following that way.Copy !req
17. You will not use threats with her.Copy !req
18. And you will not tell me
how to talk to my supervisees.Copy !req
19. And you have just lost yourself
a waitress. She quits.Copy !req
20. Well, now, wait a minute.
I wasn't going to fire her.Copy !req
21. Mm-hmm, it's too late
for your apologies now, isn't it?Copy !req
22. Luanne, pick up your clothes
and three onion loaves.Copy !req
23. We are going home.Copy !req
24. You know, I probably wouldn't have lost
my Rattlesnakes jobCopy !req
25. if you hadn't said anything.Copy !req
26. Exactly. But I won't be around forever
to do everything for you.Copy !req
27. You have to learn to help yourself.Copy !req
28. How did it help me to lose my job?Copy !req
29. It will leave you open
for new opportunities.Copy !req
30. Such as the one that I am
about to present to you.Copy !req
31. The Learning Annex is offering a class
on "The Joy of Entrepreneuring."Copy !req
32. I signed you up.Copy !req
33. It would be really nice
if sometimes you could ask meCopy !req
34. when you make decisions about my life.Copy !req
35. You're right.Copy !req
36. Would you like to go at seven or at nine?Copy !req
37. Mm… seven.Copy !req
38. I'm sorry, that won't work for me.Copy !req
39. A lot of you think of Trip LarsenCopy !req
40. as the hog king of Arlen.Copy !req
41. But he wasn't born
with that crown on his head.Copy !req
42. He's an entrepreneur,Copy !req
43. an innovator, and an inventor,Copy !req
44. responsible for edibilizing
two new parts of the pig.Copy !req
45. Thank you. Thank you.Copy !req
46. My great-grandfather
started Larsen Pork ProductsCopy !req
47. with little more than three pigs
and a killing hammer.Copy !req
48. Today, I'm proud to say,Copy !req
49. we kill more pigs
than, well, pig hepatitis.Copy !req
50. There's no secret to success, really.Copy !req
51. You have to have a passion
for whatever you do,Copy !req
52. whether it's processing pigs or sheepCopy !req
53. or cattle into food and food products.Copy !req
54. What's a food product?Copy !req
55. It's like food, but cheaper.Copy !req
56. Young lady, you had a question?Copy !req
57. Yes.Copy !req
58. I find that I am too busy succeeding
to keep track of all of my ideas.Copy !req
59. So I keep them in a file.Copy !req
60. Well, actually, that's more
of a comment than a question.Copy !req
61. Well, thank you. I think so, too.Copy !req
62. Well, hello.Copy !req
63. How did you like my lecture?
Did you enjoy it?Copy !req
64. I mean, did you enjoy it as much
as I enjoyed having you at my lecture?Copy !req
65. I really liked the part where
you were excited about what you do.Copy !req
66. That's what I'm trying to find.Copy !req
67. A career I'm passionate about.Copy !req
68. Like waitressing at a steak house. Uh-huh.Copy !req
69. You know, you have that special…Copy !req
70. I don't know, unspoiled quality,Copy !req
71. and something tells me
I think you'd do pretty darn well in pork.Copy !req
72. How'd you like to interview for a position
with Larsen Pork Products?Copy !req
73. Well, I did work with pork chops
in my last job.Copy !req
74. Well, to be honest,
sometimes I dropped a couple.Copy !req
75. Well, see, that's the beauty of pork.Copy !req
76. It rinses off clean.Copy !req
77. Ice cream?Copy !req
78. Hey, what are you celebrating?Copy !req
79. Trip Larsen has scheduled
an interview with Luanne.Copy !req
80. I get to go to his house.Copy !req
81. I don't see why he has to see her
at his house.Copy !req
82. You think he could be interested
in something more than an interview?Copy !req
83. The pork industry is famously informal.Copy !req
84. That's how these things are done.Copy !req
85. Uh, Luanne,Copy !req
86. sometimes men aren't interested
in what they say they're interested in.Copy !req
87. To put it bluntly, they're more interested
in something else.Copy !req
88. Oh, you mean sex?Copy !req
89. No, no, no…Copy !req
90. Yes.Copy !req
91. I'm here for my interview, Mr. Larsen.Copy !req
92. I am also here for her interview.Copy !req
93. Luanne, let's go ballooning.Copy !req
94. Peggy, why don't you read
my autobiography?Copy !req
95. Oh, it's all so beautiful.Copy !req
96. You can see for miles.Copy !req
97. Yeah, 3.7 miles.Copy !req
98. You can see up to around eight miles
if you try this monocular.Copy !req
99. It's Austrian.Copy !req
100. They make the best monocular.Copy !req
101. Something wrong?Copy !req
102. Well… it's just thatCopy !req
103. um, well… you know so much,
and I know so little.Copy !req
104. I hope that doesn't make you think
I'm stupid.Copy !req
105. You are not stupid.Copy !req
106. - You're ignorant.
- What?Copy !req
107. - No, you can't tell…
- It's a compliment.Copy !req
108. That just means you haven't had a chance
to learn all the wrong things.Copy !req
109. Oh…Copy !req
110. No one's ever told me that before.Copy !req
111. Well, maybe that's because
no one has ever realizedCopy !req
112. how ignorant you truly are.Copy !req
113. What are you doing?Copy !req
114. That is not a proper way to interview.Copy !req
115. Whose house are we gonna TP-ing this year?Copy !req
116. Mm. Probably mine again.Copy !req
117. So how'd it go?Copy !req
118. Mr. Trip Larsen is the most wonderful man
in the whole world.Copy !req
119. Well, you gave you a job, huh?
What position?Copy !req
120. Oh, I'm his girlfriend.Copy !req
121. Well, I knew this guy was no goodCopy !req
122. but braiding your hair?Copy !req
123. From the back, your head
looks like a horse's ass.Copy !req
124. Well, Trip likes my hair in braids.Copy !req
125. He says they make me look smart.Copy !req
126. Luanne, honey, it's not that
we don't like your hair in braids,Copy !req
127. which we don't,
it's that we don't like Trip.Copy !req
128. He's old enough to be your father,
and he's treating you like a child.Copy !req
129. Stop worrying, Aunt Peggy.Copy !req
130. I'm going to eat my salad after my steak.Copy !req
131. Trip says that's the French way.Copy !req
132. So I can have my dessert first
then my steak.Copy !req
133. And then, if I have room, my salad.Copy !req
134. Salad after steak?Copy !req
135. I hate to say this twice in one meal.Copy !req
136. But… "horse's ass."Copy !req
137. Hello.Copy !req
138. We were in the neighborhoodCopy !req
139. and thought you might like
some of my Brown Betty.Copy !req
140. We can also discuss my Luanne.Copy !req
141. Hey, that's a good idea. Sounds fun.Copy !req
142. How would you like to watch
some football bloopersCopy !req
143. while I finish my set?Copy !req
144. You know, they send us advertisers
some stuff thatCopy !req
145. well, you'll see it nowhere else.Copy !req
146. I could take a look.Copy !req
147. Hank, remember what we're here for.Copy !req
148. But this is private bloopers.Copy !req
149. Hey, do you have the snowman
who caught fire at the Viking's game?Copy !req
150. Do I…Copy !req
151. I've got three different snowmen
catching fire.Copy !req
152. There he goes.Copy !req
153. How's it going?
Did Blanca set you up all right?Copy !req
154. I would like to talk about LuanneCopy !req
155. before we have to make
a blooper reel out of her life.Copy !req
156. Well, we just want to make sure
Luanne isn't getting into any trouble.Copy !req
157. She is our only niece.Copy !req
158. Hank, Luanne is lucky
to have somebody like youCopy !req
159. looking out for her.Copy !req
160. Will you look at that?Copy !req
161. Yeah, that's the J-5.Copy !req
162. It's a little project I've been working on
for quite some time now.Copy !req
163. In terms of time-to-processing weight,
meat yield, weanability,Copy !req
164. she's pretty much the perfect pig.Copy !req
165. Mm.Copy !req
166. Looks like you could eat it with a spoon.Copy !req
167. Just give me five years and you will.Copy !req
168. Oh, just like a baby.Copy !req
169. Look at her, Peggy.Copy !req
170. Remind you of someone when he was little?Copy !req
171. Hank, how would you like to ride
in a hot air balloon?Copy !req
172. Hey, I don't have to tell you
it's powered by propane.Copy !req
173. Well, that's one
of the eight uses of propaneCopy !req
174. I haven't experienced first hand.Copy !req
175. Oh, dear Lord.Copy !req
176. Peggy, I feel like Neil Armstrong up here.Copy !req
177. I can see everybody's gutters
and they look great.Copy !req
178. Mrs. Hill, I'm a guy
who makes his own rules.Copy !req
179. You play by them,Copy !req
180. everybody wins.Copy !req
181. Try to call your own gameCopy !req
182. not so terrific.Copy !req
183. Whoa.Copy !req
184. Well, let me tell you something.Copy !req
185. You might be rich,
but all the money in the worldCopy !req
186. cannot buy you
the most precious gift of all.Copy !req
187. My respect.Copy !req
188. The man willfully
endangered your lifeCopy !req
189. just to make a point, Hank.Copy !req
190. Try to see it from his point of view.Copy !req
191. He was trying to control the balloon,
and you kept talking to him.Copy !req
192. I was right there.Copy !req
193. He was pulling and yanking that cordCopy !req
194. and trying to jerk you out of thereCopy !req
195. with every last fiber of his being
and then some.Copy !req
196. Aunt Peggy, Trip believes that
no one ever solved anythingCopy !req
197. with a run-on sentence.Copy !req
198. What? How dare you.Copy !req
199. You do not come into my house
and correct my grammarCopy !req
200. unless your name
happens to be Strunk or White. Is it?Copy !req
201. I'm just trying to help you
improve yourself, Aunt Peggy.Copy !req
202. Mm, this'll cook up nice, Hank.Copy !req
203. How much did it cost you, huh?Copy !req
204. A hundred bucks?Copy !req
205. Hank, the man is crazy.Copy !req
206. That headless pig is a threat.Copy !req
207. No, it's a gift.Copy !req
208. "From Trip Larsen" and it's to you.Copy !req
209. I guess somebody owes Trip an apology.Copy !req
210. There is a large, dead animal on my lawn.Copy !req
211. Look, let's be reasonable about this.Copy !req
212. I work in propane, so I give away propane.Copy !req
213. Trip Larsen works with pork,Copy !req
214. so that's why he gave us this fella here.Copy !req
215. No. You're bruising the rinds.Copy !req
216. That's it.Copy !req
217. Luanne, I have decided
that your boyfriend is crazy.Copy !req
218. Now, do you want to break up with him
or should I?Copy !req
219. Now, just stop it.
Stop telling me what to do.Copy !req
220. I am a proud, ignorant woman,
and no one is going to change that.Copy !req
221. Now, that is the stupidest thing
I ever heard anyone say.Copy !req
222. You wiped your eyes on my tie.Copy !req
223. That's okay.Copy !req
224. It's an amazing fabric.Copy !req
225. Thanks, Trip.Copy !req
226. I feel better.Copy !req
227. I'm going to go home nowCopy !req
228. and think of something mean
to do to Aunt Peggy, okay?Copy !req
229. Luanne, you are home.Copy !req
230. I took the liberty of having
your belongings meat-trucked out here.Copy !req
231. Forgive me if they smell delicious.Copy !req
232. Luanne, dear, this will be your room.Copy !req
233. It's so beautiful.Copy !req
234. Oh, I don't see any of my clothes.Copy !req
235. Well, that's because I had them shredded.Copy !req
236. Plant mulch.Copy !req
237. Gardening tip.
Synthetics make wonderful ground cover.Copy !req
238. But… but, see,
I need stuff to wear to dinner.Copy !req
239. Not a problem.Copy !req
240. Oh… Mm…Copy !req
241. But they're all the same.Copy !req
242. Nothing is exactly the same.Copy !req
243. Everything has a small flaw
or imperfection.Copy !req
244. It drives me mad.Copy !req
245. Trip?Copy !req
246. Trip, is… is that you?Copy !req
247. Trip, are you there?Copy !req
248. Back.Copy !req
249. Back off, girl.Copy !req
250. Don't be messing with Papa's lady now,
you hear?Copy !req
251. Are you all right, dearest?Copy !req
252. Why is there a pig in the house?Copy !req
253. Oh, don't tell me you're jealous.Copy !req
254. I might have grown up poor,Copy !req
255. but I never knew anyone
who kept a pig in the house.Copy !req
256. Well, that's because
they weren't equipped for it.Copy !req
257. The floor in there is Brazilian rosewood.Copy !req
258. Superhard, super high-quality stuff.Copy !req
259. And I had it finished
with four coats of polyurethane.Copy !req
260. Not that it needs it.Copy !req
261. The J-5's hooves are soft
as bedroom slippers.Copy !req
262. Schweigen!Copy !req
263. Go back to bed, honey.Copy !req
264. I'll have Blanca bring you up
a warm glass of milk, okay? Okay.Copy !req
265. Finish it all.Copy !req
266. Oh, good. You're up.Copy !req
267. My… my head is bleeding.Copy !req
268. Your head hasn't been harmed.Copy !req
269. It's been improved.Copy !req
270. I took the liberty of dying it
while you were asleep these last 14 hours.Copy !req
271. But… well, why?Copy !req
272. I don't want red hair.Copy !req
273. You don't like it? Okay.Copy !req
274. Well, we can always shave it off
and wait for it to regrow.Copy !req
275. No!Copy !req
276. Good. Then it's settled.Copy !req
277. Blanca, um… I'm going
all the way downstairsCopy !req
278. to practice my harp
like Mr. Larsen wanted me to.Copy !req
279. It's me.Copy !req
280. Except for the teeth.Copy !req
281. But that can be taken care of.Copy !req
282. Are you trying to turn me into her?Copy !req
283. This is the Larsen Pork Products Girl
my grandfather created 50 years ago.Copy !req
284. Her picture graced the walls
of my nursery.Copy !req
285. Mother never really paid me much attention
but she was always there.Copy !req
286. I'm very sorry about your mother
and now I'm going home.Copy !req
287. Please, don't go.Copy !req
288. I have spent so many years
trying to find you.Copy !req
289. Look at her.Copy !req
290. The Larsen Pork Products WomanCopy !req
291. is as comfortable dining with kings
as she is slaughtering pigs.Copy !req
292. I never thought I'd meet someone
as perfectCopy !req
293. as the woman in that picture.Copy !req
294. And then I saw youCopy !req
295. at the Learning Annex.Copy !req
296. I guess., uh…Copy !req
297. I'm just so alone here.Copy !req
298. I get scared.Copy !req
299. I understand.Copy !req
300. And I mean to fix all that.Copy !req
301. With a big Halloween party
to show the world just how happy we are.Copy !req
302. Can I dress up as a pirate?Copy !req
303. A woman as a pirate?Copy !req
304. Well, that's just crazy.Copy !req
305. I know just what you'll wear.Copy !req
306. This.Copy !req
307. Hey, it's an invitation.Copy !req
308. "Larsen Pork Products
and the Dance Theater of ArlenCopy !req
309. invite you to a Halloween Gala."Copy !req
310. Sounds like a blast.Copy !req
311. Well, I know
Luanne doesn't want to see me,Copy !req
312. but I am a Silver Slipper donor
to the Dance Theater of ArlenCopy !req
313. and those people still owe me an umbrella.Copy !req
314. Oh, great. It's Luanne.Copy !req
315. I'll bet she can tell us
where the bathroom is.Copy !req
316. Is that all you care about? The bathroom?Copy !req
317. What about Luanne?Copy !req
318. I can't enjoy a party
until I know where the bathroom is.Copy !req
319. You knew that when you married me.Copy !req
320. Hi, Aunt Peggy.Copy !req
321. Uncle Hank.Copy !req
322. I'm really glad you could come.Copy !req
323. You look nice, Luanne.Copy !req
324. I know. Trip told me.Copy !req
325. I'm the Larsen Pork Products Girl.Copy !req
326. You see, Peggy?Copy !req
327. I could have come
as the Strickland Propane guyCopy !req
328. instead of renting this getup.Copy !req
329. Mister is ready for you now.Copy !req
330. Oh.Copy !req
331. This is Blanca.Copy !req
332. She's my best friend here.Copy !req
333. Trip?Copy !req
334. Trip?Copy !req
335. I'm here, dearest.Copy !req
336. Luanne, you've never
looked more beautiful.Copy !req
337. And I've never felt more alive.Copy !req
338. I never thought this day would come,Copy !req
339. when I would have everything
I've ever wanted within my grasp.Copy !req
340. Is that an engagement ring?Copy !req
341. Wait, Luanne.
I want everything to be perfect.Copy !req
342. Luanne,Copy !req
343. will you do me the great honor
of marrying… him.Copy !req
344. Him?Copy !req
345. Javier, the time has come.Copy !req
346. That's the man in the ad.Copy !req
347. Life is a series of compromises.Copy !req
348. Trip, I'm kind of confused.Copy !req
349. What is happening here?Copy !req
350. Don't you see? We can have it all.Copy !req
351. We can be the family in the picture.Copy !req
352. You, him, and me.Copy !req
353. What? What?Copy !req
354. Luanne, wait.Copy !req
355. Here he comes.Copy !req
356. Luanne.Copy !req
357. Where did Luanne go?Copy !req
358. That's for me to know and you to find out.Copy !req
359. And me to find out, too,
because I don't know.Copy !req
360. Luanne!Copy !req
361. Luanne!Copy !req
362. Luanne, wait.Copy !req
363. I can explain everything.Copy !req
364. No.Copy !req
365. You're sick.Copy !req
366. I'm calling the police.Copy !req
367. Luanne, you're not thinking clearly.Copy !req
368. I'm here, Luanne.Copy !req
369. I'll take care of everything.Copy !req
370. Oh.Copy !req
371. Oh, oh…Copy !req
372. Oops.Copy !req
373. This is perfect.Copy !req
374. Now, we can become
Larsen Pork Products together.Copy !req
375. Luanne, trust me.Copy !req
376. This is for the best.Copy !req
377. We agreed that I would do the thinking
for both of us.Copy !req
378. I never agreed to be
a Larsen Pork product.Copy !req
379. Luanne…Copy !req
380. I thought you loved me.Copy !req
381. No. Trip.Copy !req
382. Pull the left lever. Now.Copy !req
383. Let me do it.Copy !req
384. Mama, Papa, I'm coming home.Copy !req
385. Oh, my God.Copy !req
386. I can suddenly think clearly.Copy !req
387. The voices have left my head.Copy !req
388. What am I doing in a pig costume?Copy !req
389. Uh-oh.Copy !req
390. WellCopy !req
391. at least Trip seemed happy.Copy !req
392. And now, he's in a better place.Copy !req
393. Honey, Trip had a mental breakdown
and is now a sausage.Copy !req
394. That's not a better place.Copy !req
395. But you handled the situation very well.Copy !req
396. I did, didn't I?Copy !req
397. You saved yourself
by thinking for yourself.Copy !req
398. I did, didn't I?Copy !req
399. You are your own woman.Copy !req
400. I am?Copy !req
401. I am.Copy !req
402. So, really, it's a happy ending.Copy !req
403. Happy enough.Copy !req
404. Schweigen!Copy !req