1. WWW.MY-SUBS.CO
1
00:00:02,986 --> 00:00:09,357
Captioning sponsored by
FOX BROADCASTING COMPANYCopy !req
2. and TWENTIETH CENTURY FOX
TELEVISION
Ripped By mstollCopy !req
3. ♪ Oh, when the Hank ♪Copy !req
4. ♪ Goes makes his eggs ♪Copy !req
5. ♪ Oh, when the Hank... ♪Copy !req
6. Aw.Copy !req
7. (yelling)Copy !req
8. What the?Copy !req
9. Dang cable company.Copy !req
10. I told them I didn't want
a hole in my wall.Copy !req
11. This is what I get?Copy !req
12. (screaming)Copy !req
13. (screaming louder)Copy !req
14. So, you found the tunnel.Copy !req
15. Is this the hole
you were talking about?Copy !req
16. Dale, what the hell
were you thinkingCopy !req
17. digging a tunnel under my house?Copy !req
18. You should be flattered.Copy !req
19. Think of it as a
two-way friendship tube.Copy !req
20. I can escape to your houseCopy !req
21. when the Feds
come a-knockin'Copy !req
22. and you can slip over to mineCopy !req
23. when some jealous husband
comes looking for you.Copy !req
24. There will always be
husbands jealous of HankCopy !req
25. for marrying me.Copy !req
26. There is no place on Earth
he can hide from them.Copy !req
27. No wonder I fell through...Copy !req
28. my floor joists are missing.Copy !req
29. Uh, is that what that was?Copy !req
30. I thought it was
underground driftwood.Copy !req
31. I used it too reinforce
the walls of my tunnel.Copy !req
32. Did you want me digging
in an unsafe tunnel?Copy !req
33. Did ya, Hank?Copy !req
34. Aw, it's going to take
a lot of hard workCopy !req
35. to repair this floor.Copy !req
36. And since this is
all your fault, misterCopy !req
37. I'm not going
to let you help me.Copy !req
38. Can I help?Copy !req
39. Yes, Bobby.Copy !req
40. I fall through the floorCopy !req
41. I'd say on the averageCopy !req
42. about once a year.Copy !req
43. So, fellas, I rented
a brand-new 6,000 RPMCopy !req
44. high-torque circular saw.Copy !req
45. Boomhauer...Copy !req
46. How'd you like to cut some wood?Copy !req
47. Oh, man, you gonna
have to ask, man?Copy !req
48. Dang ol...Copy !req
49. Bill, you can be next, then meCopy !req
50. then Bobby, and that's it.Copy !req
51. But, no, wait.Copy !req
52. Hey, Khan, you want
to try my new saw?Copy !req
53. KHAN:
How many RPM?Copy !req
54. 6,000.Copy !req
55. Nah.Copy !req
56. Oh, here comes
the city inspector.Copy !req
57. Bobby, get inside.Copy !req
58. Are you the owner?Copy !req
59. Yes, sir.Copy !req
60. Hank R. Hill.Copy !req
61. Just like it said
on my applicationCopy !req
62. for a building permit.Copy !req
63. Did you get my check
for six dollars?Copy !req
64. Yes, along with a
transcript of your gradesCopy !req
65. from high school shop class.Copy !req
66. Quite impressive.Copy !req
67. I admire you for hiring
the mentally challenged.Copy !req
68. Mr. Hill, you haveCopy !req
69. a serious problem here.Copy !req
70. Without any floor joistsCopy !req
71. this house is unsafe to inhabit.Copy !req
72. What if we just stay
out of the kitchen?Copy !req
73. I've got a fridge
in the garage...Copy !req
74. a propane grill.Copy !req
75. Oh, good, problem solved.Copy !req
76. Do I look like some jackass
from Power and Light?Copy !req
77. No, sir.Copy !req
78. And I ain't going
back there, either.Copy !req
79. HANK:
Red tag?!Copy !req
80. No, no, green tag.Copy !req
81. Green tag!Copy !req
82. You need to evacuate
the domicile immediately.Copy !req
83. When can he move back in?Copy !req
84. (as to a child): When all
the repairs have been made.Copy !req
85. Would you boys like
a piece of hard candy?Copy !req
86. Yes, yes, I would,
please like a piece of candy.Copy !req
87. I'd like to see
these men in helmets.Copy !req
88. I don't mind us
staying at grandpa'sCopy !req
89. but I won't share a bed
with Baby G.H.Copy !req
90. He always tries to suck
on my boobie.Copy !req
91. Hank, Peggy...Copy !req
92. Dale has something
he wants to ask you.Copy !req
93. Uh... (mumbling)Copy !req
94. Sug...Copy !req
95. Look, Hank, I dug a tunnelCopy !req
96. you fell through it.Copy !req
97. Mistakes were made
on both sides.Copy !req
98. What do you say you and yoursCopy !req
99. come and stay with me and mine?Copy !req
100. You can take the tunnel over.Copy !req
101. Thank you, but we're
being taken in by family.Copy !req
102. Hank, come on.Copy !req
103. Dale drives me nuts
living next door.Copy !req
104. There's a reason he and I
didn't get an apartment togetherCopy !req
105. after high school.Copy !req
106. Last time I stayed
at your father'sCopy !req
107. he threw a grenade at me.Copy !req
108. It was a practice
grenade, but still...Copy !req
109. it was a very hostile gesture.Copy !req
110. (sighs)Copy !req
111. All right.Copy !req
112. Thanks, Dale.Copy !req
113. Uh, we'll do it.Copy !req
114. Strange bathroom,
no night-light.Copy !req
115. I hope Mr. Gribble isn't
counting on 100% accuracy.Copy !req
116. Well, sit if you have to.Copy !req
117. I do.Copy !req
118. When I have to.Copy !req
119. MAN:
He's going for $100!Copy !req
120. Dale, what do you
think you're doing?Copy !req
121. Nancy won't let me watch
TV in the bedroom.Copy !req
122. It keeps her up.Copy !req
123. You've got to see this.Copy !req
124. They got a guy swallowing bees
for 100 bucks.Copy !req
125. Dang it, Dale,
it's after 10:00 p.m.Copy !req
126. Hank, you don't want
to use that remote...Copy !req
127. (explosion)Copy !req
128. There goes the mailbox.Copy !req
129. You have an exploding mailbox?Copy !req
130. That was your mailbox.Copy !req
131. And yes, I do.Copy !req
132. My goodness.Copy !req
133. It's like my own
little diner in here.Copy !req
134. Well, somebody's
not getting a tip.Copy !req
135. I'm exhausted.Copy !req
136. 2:00 a.m., Dale
wakes me upCopy !req
137. to spot him while lifts weights.Copy !req
138. Peggy, the man
benches 35 pounds.Copy !req
139. Hmm... wow, look at that chunk.Copy !req
140. Ugh.Copy !req
141. What's this?Copy !req
142. Your welcome to sleep here
free of chargeCopy !req
143. but consumables are
another matter.Copy !req
144. You'll see it's all listed here.Copy !req
145. Water, electricity,
two rolls of toilet paper.Copy !req
146. I've had enough of you, Dale.Copy !req
147. I'll finish my shredded wheat
out at the construction site.Copy !req
148. I want that bowl back!Copy !req
149. Hank...Copy !req
150. Did you use the towelsCopy !req
151. that were hanging
in the bathroom?Copy !req
152. Those are just for decoration.Copy !req
153. Now they're ruined.Copy !req
154. Dale, those were paper towels.Copy !req
155. And tell your wife
to answer the phoneCopy !req
156. "Gribble residence."
Not "hello."Copy !req
157. Hey, you're not cutting
that board very straight.Copy !req
158. Aren't you supposed
to be inside the lines?Copy !req
159. You're outside the lines, see?Copy !req
160. Oh, no.Copy !req
161. Oh, my God.Copy !req
162. (gasps)Copy !req
163. (screaming)Copy !req
164. I can't believeCopy !req
165. I cut off my
best friend's finger.Copy !req
166. And I just reread
that safety manual.Copy !req
167. I don't understand how this
could have happened, Hank.Copy !req
168. I mean, I've been known
to do carpentry stone-drunkCopy !req
169. but you're normally
so careful around tools.Copy !req
170. DALE: He was careful, all right.Copy !req
171. Careful to make it look
like an accident.Copy !req
172. You were getting back at meCopy !req
173. for what I did
to your tacky linoleum floor.Copy !req
174. That is not true.Copy !req
175. I should have never
moved in with you.Copy !req
176. I think we might have a
domestic abuse situation here.Copy !req
177. The big one's already cut the
little one's finger off.Copy !req
178. It always happens to the
younger prettier ones.Copy !req
179. If it were up to youCopy !req
180. you would have filled
my buddy tunnel with cementCopy !req
181. so no one else could use it.Copy !req
182. Sir, do you wish
to press assault charges?Copy !req
183. Assault charges?Copy !req
184. Damn right I do.Copy !req
185. Officer, take him away.Copy !req
186. And see that his human rightsCopy !req
187. are roundly violated.Copy !req
188. Mr. Hill, Mr. Gribble
allegesCopy !req
189. that you intentionally
severed his finger.Copy !req
190. Your honor, it was an accident.Copy !req
191. We're wasting valuable
legal resources here.Copy !req
192. Objection. Conjecture.Copy !req
193. Objecture.Copy !req
194. That's not a word.Copy !req
195. Mr. Hill, please
control your outbursts.Copy !req
196. I am issuing
a restraining order.Copy !req
197. You are not to go
within 100 feetCopy !req
198. of Mr. Gribble.Copy !req
199. What?! That is crazy.Copy !req
200. I live within a hundred feet
of him.Copy !req
201. How am I going to fix the
house that he ruined?Copy !req
202. You seem to have a serious
problem controlling your rage.Copy !req
203. I'm sentencing you
to an anger management class.Copy !req
204. Until you passCopy !req
205. the restraining order
remains in effect.Copy !req
206. Anger management?Copy !req
207. That's for guys
who spit on umpires.Copy !req
208. I don't need that class.Copy !req
209. You do if you ever want
to move back into your house.Copy !req
210. Dale, you're lighting
your finger.Copy !req
211. Oh. Thanks
for the heads up.Copy !req
212. I still can't feel
anything in the digit.Copy !req
213. What's that?Copy !req
214. Dale has no feeling
in the finger you cut off.Copy !req
215. Accidentally.Copy !req
216. You know, if you want, Bill,
Boomhauer, one of you guysCopy !req
217. can come stand over by me.Copy !req
218. BILL: I'll wait till you
pass that anger class.Copy !req
219. You cut Dale's finger off
for digging a tunnel.Copy !req
220. I once made a vest
out of your wife's underpants.Copy !req
221. I can't imagine
what you'd do to me.Copy !req
222. Come on, I wouldn't hurt you.Copy !req
223. You guys know I don't have
a problem with anger.Copy !req
224. I have a problem with idiots.Copy !req
225. Hold it right there.Copy !req
226. One more stepCopy !req
227. and you'll have to moveCopy !req
228. to a similar house
a few blocks away.Copy !req
229. Not too pretty a picture, is it?Copy !req
230. Dang it.Copy !req
231. (groans)Copy !req
232. Oh, God, he's on
another rampage!Copy !req
233. Pray for us all!Copy !req
234. Let's give a nice,
calm anger managementCopy !req
235. welcome to Hank Hill,
our newest student.Copy !req
236. (various greetings)Copy !req
237. Hank cut his neighbor's finger
off with a sawCopy !req
238. in a fit of rage.Copy !req
239. No, no, no.Copy !req
240. It was an accident.Copy !req
241. My neighbor put his finger
in front of the blade.Copy !req
242. Hank, my manCopy !req
243. that's what we call
"blaming others."Copy !req
244. It's not my fault
his finger was there.Copy !req
245. It's not my fault
I ran a woman off the roadCopy !req
246. when she changed lanes
without signaling.Copy !req
247. Hmm, right, Big Jim?Copy !req
248. She had a cell phone in one handCopy !req
249. and a Lands' End catalog
in the other.Copy !req
250. Dirtbag got what she deserves.Copy !req
251. Next time, you want to call
someone a dirtbagCopy !req
252. stop and picture that person
as a big bag of dirt.Copy !req
253. Just a bigCopy !req
254. old bag of dirt driving her SUV.Copy !req
255. And you know what?Copy !req
256. You'll have to pull overCopy !req
257. 'cause you'll have the giggles.Copy !req
258. That's what we callCopy !req
259. "silly humor."Copy !req
260. Hank, you're not laughing.Copy !req
261. At a bag of dirt?Copy !req
262. What's funny about that?Copy !req
263. Wow, you are just
a bundle of rage.Copy !req
264. My goodness, if you become angryCopy !req
265. even in this
peaceful environmentCopy !req
266. you're on your wayCopy !req
267. to a massive heart attack
or stroke.Copy !req
268. I'm not angry.Copy !req
269. I am a little annoyedCopy !req
270. I have to be stuck
in this stupid classCopy !req
271. for the next eight Saturdays.Copy !req
272. Why don't you pet
an imaginary cat.Copy !req
273. Just... like... this.Copy !req
274. Slow... and gentle...
and easy.Copy !req
275. I call her Soothie.Copy !req
276. Soothie the kitty.Copy !req
277. Want to pet her?Copy !req
278. I'll pass.Copy !req
279. Come on, pet
Mr. Mellowpuss.Copy !req
280. He says he doesn't want to petCopy !req
281. the freakin' invisible cat.Copy !req
282. Leave him alone!Copy !req
283. Thanks, buddy.Copy !req
284. Then they tell me if someone
does something stupidCopy !req
285. I'm supposed to think
of a calming phraseCopy !req
286. like, "Relax, Mr. Angry Slacks."Copy !req
287. Or, "Cool it down,
grumpy clown."Copy !req
288. You see, it's asinine.Copy !req
289. Take it easy, Parcheesi.Copy !req
290. That is exactly
the kind of angerCopy !req
291. that leads you to cutting
off people's fingers.Copy !req
292. Peggy, you of all people know
I didn't do that on purpose.Copy !req
293. All right, Hank, I wasn't there.Copy !req
294. Now, isn't it possible
that somewhereCopy !req
295. in your subconsciousCopy !req
296. you really wanted to hurt Dale?Copy !req
297. No! It's not
possible!Copy !req
298. DIDI: Hank has
always been angry.Copy !req
299. When we were in kindergartenCopy !req
300. and the other children
would use the finger paintsCopy !req
301. he would pinch them.Copy !req
302. You are a bald-faced liar!Copy !req
303. Amen!Copy !req
304. Now, I'm going to teach you
all a little dance.Copy !req
305. The "Avoid-dance."Copy !req
306. Who has a child who keeps
a messy room, hmm?Copy !req
307. Next time you walk byCopy !req
308. Junior's messy room
shut the door.Copy !req
309. Don't look at what
infuriates you.Copy !req
310. Just do this little dance.Copy !req
311. Shut the door...Copy !req
312. shut the door, shut the door.Copy !req
313. Come on Hank, stand upCopy !req
314. and do the Avoid-dance
with me.Copy !req
315. Everyone join in!Copy !req
316. Shut the door...Copy !req
317. ALL:
Shut the door...Copy !req
318. Big Jim, is there a reason
you're not shutting the door?Copy !req
319. 'Cause you're a pencil-neck,
who's got diarrhea of the mouth.Copy !req
320. Okay, anger, anger.Copy !req
321. Try silly humor.Copy !req
322. Can you picture poo poo
coming out of my mouth?Copy !req
323. No, but I can picture it coming
out of my butt.Copy !req
324. Can I have a hall pass?Copy !req
325. Of course.Copy !req
326. Uh, I think I have to...
uh...Copy !req
327. make, too.Copy !req
328. Excuse me.Copy !req
329. Can you believe
that bunk he's selling?Copy !req
330. Don't ever get angry?Copy !req
331. You turn
into the world's doormat.Copy !req
332. Read your Bible.Copy !req
333. God has a hell of a temper.Copy !req
334. You piss Him off, you're
up to your ass in locusts.Copy !req
335. Look at Him the wrong
way, pillar of salt.Copy !req
336. He's one tough, two-fisted,
gin-joint bouncerCopy !req
337. and He made us in His image.Copy !req
338. You know, that's the first thing
I've heard todayCopy !req
339. that's made any sense.Copy !req
340. I know one thing...Copy !req
341. that twig boy can't flunk usCopy !req
342. for being constipated
for an hour.Copy !req
343. Let's grab a beer.Copy !req
344. Thanks, but I need to spend
any spare timeCopy !req
345. repairing my houseCopy !req
346. before my idiot neighbor
gets home.Copy !req
347. You know, I build doll house
furniture for a living.Copy !req
348. Maybe I can help out.Copy !req
349. Hank Rutherford Hill.Copy !req
350. You are within 100 feet of meCopy !req
351. and much as I like to scoff
at the lawCopy !req
352. I also like to
arbitrarily enforce it.Copy !req
353. Skedaddle, boy.Copy !req
354. We've got a tunnel to dig
under the alley.Copy !req
355. What?Copy !req
356. Yeah, it's going to goCopy !req
357. from Dale's house to my house
to Boomhauer's house.Copy !req
358. Little three-way
friendship tubeCopy !req
359. and you ain't invited.Copy !req
360. The only rules areCopy !req
361. no spitting and no cuttingCopy !req
362. other people's fingers off.Copy !req
363. You probably wouldn't
like it down there, Hank.Copy !req
364. Yeah, man, talkin' 'bout no
dang ol' psychos allowed, man.Copy !req
365. Good God, you're serious?!Copy !req
366. The alley is city property.Copy !req
367. As block captainCopy !req
368. I will come down on youCopy !req
369. with the full
authority of my office.Copy !req
370. And who the hell are you?Copy !req
371. Hank, you know Octavio.Copy !req
372. He's my Gal Friday.Copy !req
373. Does anything I want.Copy !req
374. Now, you, scoot!Copy !req
375. 100 feet.Copy !req
376. Move it.Copy !req
377. You shut your got dang mouth,
or I'll shove that ditch witchCopy !req
378. down your throat and
dig a tunnel straightCopy !req
379. through to sunshine!Copy !req
380. That's telling him.Copy !req
381. Felt good, too.Copy !req
382. Back off, Hank, or Octavio
will mess you up.Copy !req
383. Gribble, I don't care
if he stays or goes.Copy !req
384. Where's the money
you owe me, esse?Copy !req
385. You heard him.Copy !req
386. Take the first shot, Cochise!Copy !req
387. I love two things:Copy !req
388. Building dollhouse
furniture and kicking ass!Copy !req
389. And I don't see no
dollhouses 'round here.Copy !req
390. You see any dollhouses, Hank?!Copy !req
391. No, I don't!Copy !req
392. No, you don't!
That's right!Copy !req
393. What are you looking at, sport?!Copy !req
394. Don't you eyeball me!Copy !req
395. Don't you eyeball
a junkyard dog!Copy !req
396. (barking)Copy !req
397. Now you got the dog barking!Copy !req
398. Look, you got it, you got it!Copy !req
399. (barking)Copy !req
400. (snarling)Copy !req
401. Paramedics said he
got so worked upCopy !req
402. he just stroked out.Copy !req
403. It was a short period
of sufferingCopy !req
404. but probably fairly intense.Copy !req
405. Hank, that's exactly what you
look like when you sleep.Copy !req
406. Dang!Copy !req
407. No more bouncing that ball!Copy !req
408. I'm going to kick your ass!Copy !req
409. You're out of control!Copy !req
410. Out of my way, rooster boy.Copy !req
411. (yelling)Copy !req
412. (grunting and yelping)Copy !req
413. HANK: That could
be me lying there.Copy !req
414. It does not have to be, Hank.Copy !req
415. You are taking a class
that gives you the toolsCopy !req
416. to handle your anger.Copy !req
417. You love tools.
Go ahead and use them.Copy !req
418. BARRY:
I know a lot of you thoughtCopy !req
419. you wouldn't make it
to graduationCopy !req
420. but you have.Copy !req
421. Well, not all of you.Copy !req
422. As much as it pains me,
I have to fail Big Jim.Copy !req
423. I mean, he died of anger.Copy !req
424. My hands are tied.Copy !req
425. It's diploma time.Copy !req
426. Mr. Hill,
congratulations.Copy !req
427. Uh, it says "Hink Hall."Copy !req
428. You got the "l"
and the "A" mixed up.Copy !req
429. This might make it difficultCopy !req
430. for me to get
my restraining order lifted.Copy !req
431. I'll bet that really steams
your beans, doesn't it "Hink?"Copy !req
432. Uh, yeah, yeah.Copy !req
433. Hey, you big chowder head,
you spelled my name wrong.Copy !req
434. (chuckles)Copy !req
435. You're just a body with
a big bowl of soup on it.Copy !req
436. Congrats, manCopy !req
437. you passed the final test.Copy !req
438. Next up... Mr. Mangione.Copy !req
439. "Chick" Mangione?Copy !req
440. I'm not a chick;
I'm a dude!Copy !req
441. DALE:
Beer cooler docking complete.Copy !req
442. We have beer.Copy !req
443. Deploy lips.Copy !req
444. What the?Copy !req
445. You actually
dug the dang tunnel?!Copy !req
446. But I told you...Copy !req
447. All right,
easy there, angry bear...Copy !req
448. Is that Hank Hill?Copy !req
449. You don't sound 100 feet away.Copy !req
450. No, gentlemen,
you'll be happy to knowCopy !req
451. that I am certified
anger-free.Copy !req
452. Now that the restraining order's
been liftedCopy !req
453. what do you say you guys
take a breakCopy !req
454. from that dark tunnel,
and enjoy a cold beerCopy !req
455. up here in the sunny alley.Copy !req
456. DALE:
Don't waste timeCopy !req
457. talking to him.Copy !req
458. We got to dig a place
to put our empties.Copy !req
459. Uh, fellas, you might
want to get out of there.Copy !req
460. You see, there's
a garbage truck coming.Copy !req
461. They weigh about five tonsCopy !req
462. and your last tunnel
couldn't support meCopy !req
463. on an empty stomach.Copy !req
464. No time to gab, Hank.Copy !req
465. We got bigger fish to fry.Copy !req
466. The game, gentlemen,
is Crazy Eights.Copy !req
467. Come on, please. I'm serious!Copy !req
468. Sorry, I don't
speak "Surface."Copy !req
469. Okay, look.Copy !req
470. My idiot friends
rented a ditch witchCopy !req
471. and they're in the tunnel
under the alley.Copy !req
472. So if you drive over thereCopy !req
473. you'll probably
crush 'em to death.Copy !req
474. Buddy, I used to be
just like you...Copy !req
475. drinking, hanging around alleysCopy !req
476. making up stories
just to get attention.Copy !req
477. Get it together.Copy !req
478. Oh, gosh, dang it.Copy !req
479. Pet the cat, pet the cat...Copy !req
480. Come on, guys,
please get out of there.Copy !req
481. Watch the anger.Copy !req
482. You don't want to end up
like Big Jim.Copy !req
483. Remember? He's dead.Copy !req
484. That's because Big Jim
had an anger problem.Copy !req
485. This is different.Copy !req
486. I have an idiot problem.Copy !req
487. Uh, guys... come on, get out.Copy !req
488. Get out, get out, get out!Copy !req
489. If you don't get out
of that got'dang rathole nowCopy !req
490. I'll get my circular saw,
come down thereCopy !req
491. cut off all
your fingers and toes!Copy !req
492. Now move! Move! Move!Copy !req
493. Okay, Hank, now that
we're out of the tunnelCopy !req
494. what is so damn important?Copy !req
495. Man, I got dang ol'
save coldest beerCopy !req
496. for my man, talkin' 'bout,
man, I owe you one, man.Copy !req
497. Thanks, Boomhauer.Copy !req
498. BILL: Hank, I cleaned all thoseCopy !req
499. What a burger wrappers
off my lawnCopy !req
500. just like you told me to.Copy !req
501. It's just my little
way of saying thank youCopy !req
502. for losing your temper.Copy !req
503. And to show you that
we're best buds againCopy !req
504. I'm going to connect our
houses with a rope bridge.Copy !req
505. Sh-sha!Copy !req
506. HANK:
Dale!Copy !req
507. Wait, here's the fun part.Copy !req
508. A-yah zip!Copy !req
509. Well, you get the idea.Copy !req
510. Captioned by Media Access Group
at WGBH access. Wgbh. Org
Ripped By mstollCopy !req
511. BILL: Yes, yes, I would
please like a piece of candy!Copy !req