1. Ripped By mstollCopy !req
2. Aw.Copy !req
3. What the?Copy !req
4. Dang cable company.Copy !req
5. I told them I didn't want
a hole in my wall.Copy !req
6. This is what I get?Copy !req
7. So, you found the tunnel.Copy !req
8. Is this the hole
you were talking about?Copy !req
9. Dale, what the hell
were you thinkingCopy !req
10. digging a tunnel under my house?Copy !req
11. You should be flattered.Copy !req
12. Think of it as a
two-way friendship tube.Copy !req
13. I can escape to your houseCopy !req
14. when the Feds
come a-knockin'Copy !req
15. and you can slip over to mineCopy !req
16. when some jealous husband
comes looking for you.Copy !req
17. There will always be
husbands jealous of HankCopy !req
18. for marrying me.Copy !req
19. There is no place on Earth
he can hide from them.Copy !req
20. No wonder I fell through...Copy !req
21. my floor joists are missing.Copy !req
22. Uh, is that what that was?Copy !req
23. I thought it was
underground driftwood.Copy !req
24. I used it too reinforce
the walls of my tunnel.Copy !req
25. Did you want me digging
in an unsafe tunnel?Copy !req
26. Did ya, Hank?Copy !req
27. Aw, it's going to take
a lot of hard workCopy !req
28. to repair this floor.Copy !req
29. And since this is
all your fault, misterCopy !req
30. I'm not going
to let you help me.Copy !req
31. Can I help?Copy !req
32. Yes, Bobby.Copy !req
33. I fall through the floorCopy !req
34. I'd say on the averageCopy !req
35. about once a year.Copy !req
36. So, fellas, I rented
a brand-new 6,000 RPMCopy !req
37. high-torque circular saw.Copy !req
38. Boomhauer...Copy !req
39. How'd you like to cut some wood?Copy !req
40. Oh, man, you gonna
have to ask, man?Copy !req
41. Dang ol...Copy !req
42. Bill, you can be next, then meCopy !req
43. then Bobby, and that's it.Copy !req
44. But, no, wait.Copy !req
45. Hey, Khan, you want
to try my new saw?Copy !req
46. How many RPM?Copy !req
47. 6,000.Copy !req
48. Nah.Copy !req
49. Oh, here comes
the city inspector.Copy !req
50. Bobby, get inside.Copy !req
51. Are you the owner?Copy !req
52. Yes, sir.Copy !req
53. Hank R. Hill.Copy !req
54. Just like it said
on my applicationCopy !req
55. for a building permit.Copy !req
56. Did you get my check
for six dollars?Copy !req
57. Yes, along with a
transcript of your gradesCopy !req
58. from high school shop class.Copy !req
59. Quite impressive.Copy !req
60. I admire you for hiring
the mentally challenged.Copy !req
61. Mr. Hill, you haveCopy !req
62. a serious problem here.Copy !req
63. Without any floor joistsCopy !req
64. this house is unsafe to inhabit.Copy !req
65. What if we just stay
out of the kitchen?Copy !req
66. I've got a fridge
in the garage...Copy !req
67. a propane grill.Copy !req
68. Oh, good, problem solved.Copy !req
69. Do I look like some jackass
from Power and Light?Copy !req
70. No, sir.Copy !req
71. And I ain't going
back there, either.Copy !req
72. Red tag?Copy !req
73. No, no, green tag.Copy !req
74. Green tag!Copy !req
75. You need to evacuate
the domicile immediately.Copy !req
76. When can he move back in?Copy !req
77. When all
the repairs have been made.Copy !req
78. Would you boys like
a piece of hard candy?Copy !req
79. Yes, yes, I would,
please like a piece of candy.Copy !req
80. I'd like to see
these men in helmets.Copy !req
81. I don't mind us
staying at grandpa'sCopy !req
82. but I won't share a bed
with Baby G.H.Copy !req
83. He always tries to suck
on my boobie.Copy !req
84. Hank, Peggy...Copy !req
85. Dale has something
he wants to ask you.Copy !req
86. Uh...Copy !req
87. Sug...Copy !req
88. Look, Hank, I dug a tunnelCopy !req
89. you fell through it.Copy !req
90. Mistakes were made
on both sides.Copy !req
91. What do you say you and yoursCopy !req
92. come and stay with me and mine?Copy !req
93. You can take the tunnel over.Copy !req
94. Thank you, but we're
being taken in by family.Copy !req
95. Hank, come on.Copy !req
96. Dale drives me nuts
living next door.Copy !req
97. There's a reason he and I
didn't get an apartment togetherCopy !req
98. after high school.Copy !req
99. Last time I stayed
at your father'sCopy !req
100. he threw a grenade at me.Copy !req
101. It was a practice
grenade, but still...Copy !req
102. it was a very hostile gesture.Copy !req
103. All right.Copy !req
104. Thanks, Dale.Copy !req
105. Uh, we'll do it.Copy !req
106. Strange bathroom,
no night-light.Copy !req
107. I hope Mr. Gribble isn't
counting on 100% accuracy.Copy !req
108. Well, sit if you have to.Copy !req
109. I do.Copy !req
110. When I have to.Copy !req
111. He's going for $100!Copy !req
112. Dale, what do you
think you're doing?Copy !req
113. Nancy won't let me watch
TV in the bedroom.Copy !req
114. It keeps her up.Copy !req
115. You've got to see this.Copy !req
116. They got a guy swallowing bees
for 100 bucks.Copy !req
117. Dang it, Dale,
it's after 10:00 p.m.Copy !req
118. Hank, you don't want
to use that remote...Copy !req
119. There goes the mailbox.Copy !req
120. You have an exploding mailbox?Copy !req
121. That was your mailbox.Copy !req
122. And yes, I do.Copy !req
123. My goodness.Copy !req
124. It's like my own
little diner in here.Copy !req
125. Well, somebody's
not getting a tip.Copy !req
126. I'm exhausted.Copy !req
127. 2:00 a.m., Dale
wakes me upCopy !req
128. to spot him while lifts weights.Copy !req
129. Peggy, the man
benches 35 pounds.Copy !req
130. Hmm... wow, look at that chunk.Copy !req
131. Ugh.Copy !req
132. What's this?Copy !req
133. Your welcome to sleep here
free of chargeCopy !req
134. but consumables are
another matter.Copy !req
135. You'll see it's all listed here.Copy !req
136. Water, electricity,
two rolls of toilet paper.Copy !req
137. I've had enough of you, Dale.Copy !req
138. I'll finish my shredded wheat
out at the construction site.Copy !req
139. I want that bowl back!Copy !req
140. Hank...Copy !req
141. Did you use the towelsCopy !req
142. that were hanging
in the bathroom?Copy !req
143. Those are just for decoration.Copy !req
144. Now they're ruined.Copy !req
145. Dale, those were paper towels.Copy !req
146. And tell your wife
to answer the phoneCopy !req
147. "Gribble residence."
Not "hello."Copy !req
148. Hey, you're not cutting
that board very straight.Copy !req
149. Aren't you supposed
to be inside the lines?Copy !req
150. You're outside the lines, see?Copy !req
151. Oh, no.Copy !req
152. Oh, my God.Copy !req
153. I can't believeCopy !req
154. I cut off my
best friend's finger.Copy !req
155. And I just reread
that safety manual.Copy !req
156. I don't understand how this
could have happened, Hank.Copy !req
157. I mean, I've been known
to do carpentry stone-drunkCopy !req
158. but you're normally
so careful around tools.Copy !req
159. He was careful, all right.Copy !req
160. Careful to make it look
like an accident.Copy !req
161. You were getting back at meCopy !req
162. for what I did
to your tacky linoleum floor.Copy !req
163. That is not true.Copy !req
164. I should have never
moved in with you.Copy !req
165. I think we might have a
domestic abuse situation here.Copy !req
166. The big one's already cut the
little one's finger off.Copy !req
167. It always happens to the
younger prettier ones.Copy !req
168. If it were up to youCopy !req
169. you would have filled
my buddy tunnel with cementCopy !req
170. so no one else could use it.Copy !req
171. Sir, do you wish
to press assault charges?Copy !req
172. Assault charges?Copy !req
173. Damn right I do.Copy !req
174. Officer, take him away.Copy !req
175. And see that his human rightsCopy !req
176. are roundly violated.Copy !req
177. Mr. Hill, Mr. Gribble
allegesCopy !req
178. that you intentionally
severed his finger.Copy !req
179. Your honor, it was an accident.Copy !req
180. We're wasting valuable
legal resources here.Copy !req
181. Objection. Conjecture.Copy !req
182. Objecture.Copy !req
183. That's not a word.Copy !req
184. Mr. Hill, please
control your outbursts.Copy !req
185. I am issuing
a restraining order.Copy !req
186. You are not to go
within 100 feetCopy !req
187. of Mr. Gribble.Copy !req
188. What? That is crazy.Copy !req
189. I live within a hundred feet
of him.Copy !req
190. How am I going to fix the
house that he ruined?Copy !req
191. You seem to have a serious
problem controlling your rage.Copy !req
192. I'm sentencing you
to an anger management class.Copy !req
193. Until you passCopy !req
194. the restraining order
remains in effect.Copy !req
195. Anger management?Copy !req
196. That's for guys
who spit on umpires.Copy !req
197. I don't need that class.Copy !req
198. You do if you ever want
to move back into your house.Copy !req
199. Dale, you're lighting
your finger.Copy !req
200. Oh. Thanks
for the heads up.Copy !req
201. I still can't feel
anything in the digit.Copy !req
202. What's that?Copy !req
203. Dale has no feeling
in the finger you cut off.Copy !req
204. Accidentally.Copy !req
205. You know, if you want, Bill,
Boomhauer, one of you guysCopy !req
206. can come stand over by me.Copy !req
207. I'll wait till you
pass that anger class.Copy !req
208. You cut Dale's finger off
for digging a tunnel.Copy !req
209. I once made a vest
out of your wife's underpants.Copy !req
210. I can't imagine
what you'd do to me.Copy !req
211. Come on, I wouldn't hurt you.Copy !req
212. You guys know I don't have
a problem with anger.Copy !req
213. I have a problem with idiots.Copy !req
214. Hold it right there.Copy !req
215. One more stepCopy !req
216. and you'll have to moveCopy !req
217. to a similar house
a few blocks away.Copy !req
218. Not too pretty a picture, is it?Copy !req
219. Dang it.Copy !req
220. Oh, God, he's on
another rampage!Copy !req
221. Pray for us all!Copy !req
222. Let's give a nice,
calm anger managementCopy !req
223. welcome to Hank Hill,
our newest student.Copy !req
224. Hank cut his neighbor's finger
off with a sawCopy !req
225. in a fit of rage.Copy !req
226. No, no, no.Copy !req
227. It was an accident.Copy !req
228. My neighbor put his finger
in front of the blade.Copy !req
229. Hank, my manCopy !req
230. that's what we call
"blaming others."Copy !req
231. It's not my fault
his finger was there.Copy !req
232. It's not my fault
I ran a woman off the roadCopy !req
233. when she changed lanes
without signaling.Copy !req
234. Hmm, right, Big Jim?Copy !req
235. She had a cell phone in one handCopy !req
236. and a Lands' End catalog
in the other.Copy !req
237. Dirtbag got what she deserves.Copy !req
238. Next time, you want to call
someone a dirtbagCopy !req
239. stop and picture that person
as a big bag of dirt.Copy !req
240. Just a bigCopy !req
241. old bag of dirt driving her SUV.Copy !req
242. And you know what?Copy !req
243. You'll have to pull overCopy !req
244. 'cause you'll have the giggles.Copy !req
245. That's what we callCopy !req
246. "silly humor."Copy !req
247. Hank, you're not laughing.Copy !req
248. At a bag of dirt?Copy !req
249. What's funny about that?Copy !req
250. Wow, you are just
a bundle of rage.Copy !req
251. My goodness, if you become angryCopy !req
252. even in this
peaceful environmentCopy !req
253. you're on your wayCopy !req
254. to a massive heart attack
or stroke.Copy !req
255. I'm not angry.Copy !req
256. I am a little annoyedCopy !req
257. I have to be stuck
in this stupid classCopy !req
258. for the next eight Saturdays.Copy !req
259. Why don't you pet
an imaginary cat.Copy !req
260. Just... like... this.Copy !req
261. Slow... and gentle...
and easy.Copy !req
262. I call her Soothie.Copy !req
263. Soothie the kitty.Copy !req
264. Want to pet her?Copy !req
265. I'll pass.Copy !req
266. Come on, pet
Mr. Mellowpuss.Copy !req
267. He says he doesn't want to petCopy !req
268. the freakin' invisible cat.Copy !req
269. Leave him alone!Copy !req
270. Thanks, buddy.Copy !req
271. Then they tell me if someone
does something stupidCopy !req
272. I'm supposed to think
of a calming phraseCopy !req
273. like, "Relax, Mr. Angry Slacks."Copy !req
274. Or, "Cool it down,
grumpy clown."Copy !req
275. You see, it's asinine.Copy !req
276. Take it easy, Parcheesi.Copy !req
277. That is exactly
the kind of angerCopy !req
278. that leads you to cutting
off people's fingers.Copy !req
279. Peggy, you of all people know
I didn't do that on purpose.Copy !req
280. All right, Hank, I wasn't there.Copy !req
281. Now, isn't it possible
that somewhereCopy !req
282. in your subconsciousCopy !req
283. you really wanted to hurt Dale?Copy !req
284. No! It's not
possible!Copy !req
285. Hank has always been angry.Copy !req
286. When we were in kindergartenCopy !req
287. and the other children
would use the finger paintsCopy !req
288. he would pinch them.Copy !req
289. You are a bald-faced liar!Copy !req
290. Amen!Copy !req
291. Now, I'm going to teach you
all a little dance.Copy !req
292. The "Avoid-dance."Copy !req
293. Who has a child who keeps
a messy room, hmm?Copy !req
294. Next time you walk byCopy !req
295. Junior's messy room
shut the door.Copy !req
296. Don't look at what
infuriates you.Copy !req
297. Just do this little dance.Copy !req
298. Shut the door...Copy !req
299. shut the door, shut the door.Copy !req
300. Come on Hank, stand upCopy !req
301. and do the Avoid-dance
with me.Copy !req
302. Everyone join in!Copy !req
303. Shut the door...Copy !req
304. Shut the door...Copy !req
305. Big Jim, is there a reason
you're not shutting the door?Copy !req
306. 'Cause you're a pencil-neck,
who's got diarrhea of the mouth.Copy !req
307. Okay, anger, anger.Copy !req
308. Try silly humor.Copy !req
309. Can you picture poo poo
coming out of my mouth?Copy !req
310. No, but I can picture it coming
out of my butt.Copy !req
311. Can I have a hall pass?Copy !req
312. Of course.Copy !req
313. Uh, I think I have to...
uh...Copy !req
314. make, too.Copy !req
315. Excuse me.Copy !req
316. Can you believe
that bunk he's selling?Copy !req
317. Don't ever get angry?Copy !req
318. You turn
into the world's doormat.Copy !req
319. Read your Bible.Copy !req
320. God has a hell of a temper.Copy !req
321. You piss Him off, you're
up to your ass in locusts.Copy !req
322. Look at Him the wrong
way, pillar of salt.Copy !req
323. He's one tough, two-fisted,
gin-joint bouncerCopy !req
324. and He made us in His image.Copy !req
325. You know, that's the first thing
I've heard todayCopy !req
326. that's made any sense.Copy !req
327. I know one thing...Copy !req
328. that twig boy can't flunk usCopy !req
329. for being constipated
for an hour.Copy !req
330. Let's grab a beer.Copy !req
331. Thanks, but I need to spend
any spare timeCopy !req
332. repairing my houseCopy !req
333. before my idiot neighbor
gets home.Copy !req
334. You know, I build doll house
furniture for a living.Copy !req
335. Maybe I can help out.Copy !req
336. Hank Rutherford Hill.Copy !req
337. You are within 100 feet of meCopy !req
338. and much as I like to scoff
at the lawCopy !req
339. I also like to
arbitrarily enforce it.Copy !req
340. Skedaddle, boy.Copy !req
341. We've got a tunnel to dig
under the alley.Copy !req
342. What?Copy !req
343. Yeah, it's going to goCopy !req
344. from Dale's house to my house
to Boomhauer's house.Copy !req
345. Little three-way
friendship tubeCopy !req
346. and you ain't invited.Copy !req
347. The only rules areCopy !req
348. no spitting and no cuttingCopy !req
349. other people's fingers off.Copy !req
350. You probably wouldn't
like it down there, Hank.Copy !req
351. Yeah, man, talkin' 'bout no
dang ol' psychos allowed, man.Copy !req
352. Good God, you're serious?Copy !req
353. The alley is city property.Copy !req
354. As block captainCopy !req
355. I will come down on youCopy !req
356. with the full
authority of my office.Copy !req
357. And who the hell are you?Copy !req
358. Hank, you know Octavio.Copy !req
359. He's my Gal Friday.Copy !req
360. Does anything I want.Copy !req
361. Now, you, scoot!Copy !req
362. 100 feet.Copy !req
363. Move it.Copy !req
364. You shut your got dang mouth,
or I'll shove that ditch witchCopy !req
365. down your throat and
dig a tunnel straightCopy !req
366. through to sunshine!Copy !req
367. That's telling him.Copy !req
368. Felt good, too.Copy !req
369. Back off, Hank, or Octavio
will mess you up.Copy !req
370. Gribble, I don't care
if he stays or goes.Copy !req
371. Where's the money
you owe me, esse?Copy !req
372. You heard him.Copy !req
373. Take the first shot, Cochise!Copy !req
374. I love two things:Copy !req
375. Building dollhouse
furniture and kicking ass!Copy !req
376. And I don't see no
dollhouses 'round here.Copy !req
377. You see any dollhouses, Hank?Copy !req
378. No, I don't!Copy !req
379. No, you don't!
That's right!Copy !req
380. What are you looking at, sport?Copy !req
381. Don't you eyeball me!Copy !req
382. Don't you eyeball
a junkyard dog!Copy !req
383. Now you got the dog barking!Copy !req
384. Look, you got it, you got it!Copy !req
385. Paramedics said he
got so worked upCopy !req
386. he just stroked out.Copy !req
387. It was a short period
of sufferingCopy !req
388. but probably fairly intense.Copy !req
389. Hank, that's exactly what you
look like when you sleep.Copy !req
390. Dang!Copy !req
391. No more bouncing that ball!Copy !req
392. I'm going to kick your ass!Copy !req
393. You're out of control!Copy !req
394. Out of my way, rooster boy.Copy !req
395. That could be me lying there.Copy !req
396. It does not have to be, Hank.Copy !req
397. You are taking a class
that gives you the toolsCopy !req
398. to handle your anger.Copy !req
399. You love tools.
Go ahead and use them.Copy !req
400. I know a lot of you thoughtCopy !req
401. you wouldn't make it
to graduationCopy !req
402. but you have.Copy !req
403. Well, not all of you.Copy !req
404. As much as it pains me,
I have to fail Big Jim.Copy !req
405. I mean, he died of anger.Copy !req
406. My hands are tied.Copy !req
407. It's diploma time.Copy !req
408. Mr. Hill,
congratulations.Copy !req
409. Uh, it says "Hink Hall."Copy !req
410. You got the "I"
and the "A" mixed up.Copy !req
411. This might make it difficultCopy !req
412. for me to get
my restraining order lifted.Copy !req
413. I'll bet that really steams
your beans, doesn't it "Hink?"Copy !req
414. Uh, yeah, yeah.Copy !req
415. Hey, you big chowder head,
you spelled my name wrong.Copy !req
416. You're just a body with
a big bowl of soup on it.Copy !req
417. Congrats, manCopy !req
418. you passed the final test.Copy !req
419. Next up... Mr. Mangione.Copy !req
420. "Chick" Mangione?Copy !req
421. I'm not a chick;
I'm a dude!Copy !req
422. Beer cooler docking complete.Copy !req
423. We have beer.Copy !req
424. Deploy lips.Copy !req
425. What the?Copy !req
426. You actually
dug the dang tunnel?Copy !req
427. But I told you...Copy !req
428. All right,
easy there, angry bear...Copy !req
429. Is that Hank Hill?Copy !req
430. You don't sound 100 feet away.Copy !req
431. No, gentlemen,
you'll be happy to knowCopy !req
432. that I am certified
anger-free.Copy !req
433. Now that the restraining order's
been liftedCopy !req
434. what do you say you guys
take a breakCopy !req
435. from that dark tunnel,
and enjoy a cold beerCopy !req
436. up here in the sunny alley.Copy !req
437. Don't waste timeCopy !req
438. talking to him.Copy !req
439. We got to dig a place
to put our empties.Copy !req
440. Uh, fellas, you might
want to get out of there.Copy !req
441. You see, there's
a garbage truck coming.Copy !req
442. They weigh about five tonsCopy !req
443. and your last tunnel
couldn't support meCopy !req
444. on an empty stomach.Copy !req
445. No time to gab, Hank.Copy !req
446. We got bigger fish to fry.Copy !req
447. The game, gentlemen,
is Crazy Eights.Copy !req
448. Come on, please. I'm serious!Copy !req
449. Sorry, I don't
speak "Surface."Copy !req
450. Okay, look.Copy !req
451. My idiot friends
rented a ditch witchCopy !req
452. and they're in the tunnel
under the alley.Copy !req
453. So if you drive over thereCopy !req
454. you'll probably
crush 'em to death.Copy !req
455. Buddy, I used to be
just like you...Copy !req
456. drinking, hanging around alleysCopy !req
457. making up stories
just to get attention.Copy !req
458. Get it together.Copy !req
459. Oh, gosh, dang it.Copy !req
460. Pet the cat, pet the cat...Copy !req
461. Come on, guys,
please get out of there.Copy !req
462. Watch the anger.Copy !req
463. You don't want to end up
like Big Jim.Copy !req
464. Remember? He's dead.Copy !req
465. That's because Big Jim
had an anger problem.Copy !req
466. This is different.Copy !req
467. I have an idiot problem.Copy !req
468. Uh, guys... come on, get out.Copy !req
469. Get out, get out, get out!Copy !req
470. If you don't get out
of that got'dang rathole nowCopy !req
471. I'll get my circular saw,
come down thereCopy !req
472. cut off all
your fingers and toes!Copy !req
473. Now move! Move! Move!Copy !req
474. Okay, Hank, now that
we're out of the tunnelCopy !req
475. what is so damn important?Copy !req
476. Man, I got dang ol'
save coldest beerCopy !req
477. for my man, talkin' 'bout,
man, I owe you one, man.Copy !req
478. Thanks, Boomhauer.Copy !req
479. Hank, I cleaned all thoseCopy !req
480. What a burger wrappers
off my lawnCopy !req
481. just like you told me to.Copy !req
482. It's just my little
way of saying thank youCopy !req
483. for losing your temper.Copy !req
484. And to show you that
we're best buds againCopy !req
485. I'm going to connect our
houses with a rope bridge.Copy !req
486. Sh-sha!Copy !req
487. Dale!Copy !req
488. Wait, here's the fun part.Copy !req
489. A-yah zip!Copy !req
490. Well, you get the idea.Copy !req
491. Ripped By mstollCopy !req
492. Yes, yes, I would
please like a piece of candy!Copy !req