1. Ripped By mstollCopy !req
2. Bobby Hill, what are you doing?Copy !req
3. I'm ironing underwater.Copy !req
4. Blurp, blurp, blurp.Copy !req
5. Don't test me, young man.Copy !req
6. I've failed
funnier kids than you.Copy !req
7. All right, childrenCopy !req
8. irons down.Copy !req
9. With the help
of Ernie the janitorCopy !req
10. I have soiled each of these
cheerleader uniforms.Copy !req
11. Your take-home exam
is to identify and removeCopy !req
12. the mystery stainCopy !req
13. and here's one
for our class clown.Copy !req
14. Oh, wait, let me give youCopy !req
15. some extra credit.Copy !req
16. If it's Monday night, it must beCopy !req
17. Frito pie
with Wolf-brand chili.Copy !req
18. I made it just the way
you like it... perfect.Copy !req
19. Come on, Bobby, it's Frito pieCopy !req
20. with Wolf-brand chili night.Copy !req
21. What the?Copy !req
22. There better beCopy !req
23. a naked cheerleader
under your bed.Copy !req
24. Don't get mad, but I think
I'm going to fail Home Ec.Copy !req
25. Well, of courseCopy !req
26. you're failing Home Ec...
you're a guy.Copy !req
27. Did you know your son
is taking Home Ec?Copy !req
28. They got him playing
with skirts!Copy !req
29. If Bobby learns to cook
and clean for himselfCopy !req
30. what's his motivation
to ever get married?Copy !req
31. Home Ec is not going to
turn Bobby into a sissy.Copy !req
32. In prison movies, the
toughest charactersCopy !req
33. always work in the kitchen.Copy !req
34. I wouldn't worry, Hank.Copy !req
35. When I was the, uhCopy !req
36. varsity football towel managerCopy !req
37. I cleaned 50 jockstraps a week.Copy !req
38. I turned out okay.Copy !req
39. Hey, man, nice shot.Copy !req
40. Man, hey no, nothing but ice.Copy !req
41. Oh, please.Copy !req
42. When I was the, uh,
varsity football towel managerCopy !req
43. I once slang-shot
a jockstrapCopy !req
44. into a laundry hamper
from 50 yards away.Copy !req
45. Betcha a million dollars
you can't do that again.Copy !req
46. You're on!Copy !req
47. Oh!
Hah!Copy !req
48. You choked.Copy !req
49. You owe me a million dollars.Copy !req
50. Choker!Copy !req
51. Uh!Copy !req
52. Choker!Copy !req
53. Dad says that men
install washing machinesCopy !req
54. they service washing machinesCopy !req
55. but they aren't supposed
to use washing machines.Copy !req
56. Oh, please.Copy !req
57. There's no rule
that says only womenCopy !req
58. can do housework
and only men can have careers.Copy !req
59. I can do both.Copy !req
60. I am what the magazines
call a superwoman.Copy !req
61. I like Superwoman.Copy !req
62. Oh, Bobby, thank you.Copy !req
63. Now let's take a look
at your homework.Copy !req
64. When we're done with it,
this stain is going to wishCopy !req
65. it was still
some cheerleader's lunch.Copy !req
66. First, you blind-side it
with pre-soak.Copy !req
67. Then you sucker-punch it
with some hot waterCopy !req
68. and just when
it's begging for mercyCopy !req
69. you rip off its head
and pour bleach down its neck.Copy !req
70. Finish it off, Bobby!Copy !req
71. Are you going to let
that stain call you a sissy?Copy !req
72. No!Copy !req
73. I know it's not even
Thanksgiving yetCopy !req
74. but it feels
like Christmas morning.Copy !req
75. Well, it's full of holesCopy !req
76. but you did get
the stains out...Copy !req
77. mostly.Copy !req
78. Uh-oh.Copy !req
79. Bobby, these are your
father's dungarees!Copy !req
80. How could you, Peggy?Copy !req
81. Now what am I gonna carve
the turkey in... my underwear?Copy !req
82. Not with an
electric knife, no sir.Copy !req
83. Even world-famous surgeons do not
get it right 100% of the time.Copy !req
84. They make mistakes, Hank.Copy !req
85. People die.Copy !req
86. We are human.Copy !req
87. Ms. Bittner,
I'm not going to lie to you.Copy !req
88. I don't think I heard one thing
you've said all yearCopy !req
89. especially whatever
you said about bleach.Copy !req
90. Can you help me fix
my dad's pants?Copy !req
91. He can't wear one of
your clever jokes?Copy !req
92. Please, Ms. Bittner, I've never
asked for anything from youCopy !req
93. except more sugar.Copy !req
94. Ooh, fancy!Copy !req
95. Hey, Hank, how's it
going at the bank?Copy !req
96. How the hell should I know?Copy !req
97. On a related fiscal note, BillCopy !req
98. where's the million
bucks you owe me?Copy !req
99. Oh, right, Dale, yeah.Copy !req
100. Suitable for framing.Copy !req
101. There you go...
$1 million!Copy !req
102. I guess I'll have to sell
my private islandCopy !req
103. in the South Pacific, huh?Copy !req
104. You never go anyway.Copy !req
105. Dad, would you like to wear
jeans to work today?Copy !req
106. You know I would.Copy !req
107. Look what I got!Copy !req
108. I got a bolt of denim
from Ms. Bittner.Copy !req
109. I used your old jeans
as a pattern and I fired upCopy !req
110. Mom's sewing machine.Copy !req
111. My sewing machine?Copy !req
112. No, it can't make seams
this straight.Copy !req
113. Well, I guess it wouldn't hurt
to try them on.Copy !req
114. Well, all right, Bobby!Copy !req
115. They're perfect.Copy !req
116. I mean, they're a little stiffCopy !req
117. but after I break 'em in
for a couple yearsCopy !req
118. they'll be perfect.Copy !req
119. Hang on, I picked up
a little trick in Home Ec.Copy !req
120. I hope you don't mind...Copy !req
121. I borrowed your power sander.Copy !req
122. Peggy, he's right.Copy !req
123. I can feel
the denim loosening up.Copy !req
124. I'm glad you ruined my jeans.Copy !req
125. Bobby's made them even better.Copy !req
126. Bobby, eight hours
and no chafing!Copy !req
127. I know what I'm leading off withCopy !req
128. in my Thanksgiving prayer.Copy !req
129. Three, two, one, mark!Copy !req
130. Buns in the oven!Copy !req
131. Oh, then you're not
just sewing in Home Ec...Copy !req
132. they've got you
cooking too, huh?Copy !req
133. I hope you don't mindCopy !req
134. but I opened a bottle of
your wedding wineCopy !req
135. to marinate my pot roast.Copy !req
136. Well, just make sure
when you're done playingCopy !req
137. your mother has
her kitchen back.Copy !req
138. It's Tuesday night
pork chops, you know.Copy !req
139. Yes, Bobby,
I can handle the heatCopy !req
140. so get out of my kitchen,
because with porkCopy !req
141. the slightest mistake
could kill us all.Copy !req
142. I'd like to cash this for cash.Copy !req
143. A thousand thousands
will be fine.Copy !req
144. Most of the million dollar
checks we see are jokes.Copy !req
145. Your job sounds fun.Copy !req
146. I'm sorry, Mr. Dauterive
only has $418.75.Copy !req
147. Okay, then give me
400 Sacagawea coinsCopy !req
148. 18 Susan B. AnthonysCopy !req
149. two North Carolina quarters
and a Utah.Copy !req
150. Yep... tastes
like Tuesday.Copy !req
151. Thank you, Hank.Copy !req
152. Say, that smells pretty good.Copy !req
153. Thanks, Dad.Copy !req
154. Could you sign this formCopy !req
155. saying I cooked it myself
and that it tasted okay?Copy !req
156. Yeah, I'll help you
with your homework.Copy !req
157. Hank, you will spoil
your appetite.Copy !req
158. Mm, no, no, it's okay.Copy !req
159. Let's eat Bobby's pot roast nowCopy !req
160. while it's still juicy.Copy !req
161. Your pork chops will be
just as good tomorrow.Copy !req
162. No, no, no.Copy !req
163. Wednesday is
spa-peggy and meatballs day.Copy !req
164. You can't have pork chops
on Wednesday.Copy !req
165. That would throw off
the whole rotation.Copy !req
166. Wednesday.Copy !req
167. You would not have
believed it, Nancy.Copy !req
168. He ate that pot roast like...Copy !req
169. like it was my pork chopsCopy !req
170. and my pork chops
were sitting right there!Copy !req
171. What you need, sug,
is an unfair advantage.Copy !req
172. It's the library's, so try
not to get anything on it.Copy !req
173. A homemaking magazine?Copy !req
174. Oh, no, no thank you,
I have never needed to...Copy !req
175. Well, that is the most beautiful
Thanksgiving centerpieceCopy !req
176. I have ever seen.Copy !req
177. Hey, Peggy.Copy !req
178. Uh, why's the table
covered with yard waste?Copy !req
179. Hank, it is not yard waste.Copy !req
180. Or it will not be
when I get through with it.Copy !req
181. It will be our new stunning
Thanksgiving centerpiece...Copy !req
182. made entirely of yard waste!Copy !req
183. Ew, don't touch it, Bobby.Copy !req
184. Those nests could be
full of fleas and ticks.Copy !req
185. Not if you take the birds out.Copy !req
186. They'll build another nest.Copy !req
187. They're not just going to let
their eggsCopy !req
188. sit there on the sidewalk.Copy !req
189. Okay, Ernst is done
removing the parasitesCopy !req
190. but he cannot comb outCopy !req
191. the dark sadness
that entangles you.Copy !req
192. What's up with that?Copy !req
193. Ernst, imagineCopy !req
194. if the man you loved
found someone elseCopy !req
195. to cook for him,
and clean for himCopy !req
196. and make his pants.Copy !req
197. Who is this other woman?Copy !req
198. The other woman is my son.Copy !req
199. He may be getting
an A in Home EcCopy !req
200. but at what cost, huh?Copy !req
201. At what cost to me?Copy !req
202. Cooking and cleaning
and sewing...Copy !req
203. I did not hear you
mention the boudoir.Copy !req
204. I can think of many things
to be done there for Hank.Copy !req
205. Well, I am an excellent lover.Copy !req
206. And Ernst is an excellent
hairstylist.Copy !req
207. Together let us
take your husband placesCopy !req
208. from our wildest dreams!Copy !req
209. Sorry, sir, but you have
more food than money.Copy !req
210. Okay, I don't need cling wrap.Copy !req
211. This is my whole
Thanksgiving dinnerCopy !req
212. and who am I kiddingCopy !req
213. there aren't going to be
any leftovers!Copy !req
214. Um, you're still over.Copy !req
215. Oh.Copy !req
216. But, but...Copy !req
217. you can't take my turkey.Copy !req
218. Still over.Copy !req
219. This circular saw cozy
fits great, sonCopy !req
220. but can we call it
something else?Copy !req
221. Hey, how about
a circular saw buddy?Copy !req
222. You name it and I'll knit it!Copy !req
223. Hey, Peggy!Copy !req
224. Bobby made me
a circular saw buddy.Copy !req
225. Whoa, your hair looks great.Copy !req
226. It's so big.Copy !req
227. Well, I hope it's not too tallCopy !req
228. to get through
the bedroom door, Hank.Copy !req
229. Well, the doorway's got
a seven-foot clearance.Copy !req
230. Dinner!Copy !req
231. When it got to be 5:00
and you weren't homeCopy !req
232. I asked Bobby
to whip something up.Copy !req
233. Well, that's a good idea.Copy !req
234. The sooner we eatCopy !req
235. the sooner we can
get to... dessert.Copy !req
236. I think Bobby made pie.Copy !req
237. Ugh, I probably should've
stopped at seconds.Copy !req
238. I'm not usually
a big fan of cheeseCopy !req
239. but boy, the things
Bobby does with it...Copy !req
240. I have an idea how we can
burn off some calories, Hank.Copy !req
241. What's wrong?Copy !req
242. Is Bobby's cooking
coming up on you?Copy !req
243. I think it's all that
beauty stuff in your hair.Copy !req
244. It kind of has
that new car smell.Copy !req
245. Boy, that cheese! Mm!Copy !req
246. Hank, what is going on?Copy !req
247. The fumes coming off your hair
keep waking me up.Copy !req
248. You don't smell like a new car.Copy !req
249. I just said that
to make you feel better.Copy !req
250. Bobby, put away your robot
and go to bed.Copy !req
251. I need the couch.Copy !req
252. Your father's feeling ill.Copy !req
253. I think it was something he ate.Copy !req
254. Why don't you just take my bed?Copy !req
255. I've got a lot of work
to do out here.Copy !req
256. Agh! Was this ever
an outdoor couch?Copy !req
257. Okay, fine,
I will sleep in your bedCopy !req
258. right under your booger wall.Copy !req
259. I thought I heard
an upholstery shampooer.Copy !req
260. Maybe you could use that thing
to get the smellCopy !req
261. out of your mother's side
of the bed.Copy !req
262. Have you seen her?Copy !req
263. She was looking for
a place to sleepCopy !req
264. so I let her have my bed.Copy !req
265. Well, where are
you going to sleep?Copy !req
266. I'll just crash on the couch.Copy !req
267. It's still a little wetCopy !req
268. but it gives me an excuse
to sleep in my poncho.Copy !req
269. No, no, your mother's bed
is empty.Copy !req
270. Why don't you just bunk
with me in the big bedroom?Copy !req
271. I'll make caramel popcorn!Copy !req
272. I'll turn on the TV.Copy !req
273. It's such a clear nightCopy !req
274. we might be able to pick up
the news from San Antonio.Copy !req
275. Their sports guy played for
the Oilers for a year.Copy !req
276. I didn't know your bed
was made of two little beds.Copy !req
277. Well, your mother
likes her mattress firmCopy !req
278. and I like mine extra firm.Copy !req
279. So I guess it's true,
opposites attract.Copy !req
280. Check it out...
the weather girlCopy !req
281. is looking at the wrong camera.Copy !req
282. San Antonio.Copy !req
283. And it's going to rain tomorrow.Copy !req
284. Why would anyone live there?Copy !req
285. You know who'd
get a kick out of this?Copy !req
286. Ladybird!Copy !req
287. Come here, girl!Copy !req
288. That Miss Piggy balloonCopy !req
289. has the same hairdo
as your mother.Copy !req
290. Hey, Peggy.Copy !req
291. Well, maybe for you it is.Copy !req
292. Oh, I was expecting you to say,
"Good morning."Copy !req
293. So...Copy !req
294. did you sleep well?Copy !req
295. Not really.Copy !req
296. Bobby and I were up
all night talking...Copy !req
297. really, really talking.Copy !req
298. So, that's where it went.Copy !req
299. Perfect!Copy !req
300. Hank, come in here, quick!Copy !req
301. Look what I found
in Bobby's bed.Copy !req
302. Mm-hmm, it's a
ladies' magazineCopy !req
303. and that is not my opinion.Copy !req
304. It says so right in the title.Copy !req
305. You were right
about Home Ec, Hank...Copy !req
306. it's ruining Bobby.Copy !req
307. Every perfume ad has been
scratched and sniffedCopy !req
308. and his horoscope saysCopy !req
309. that this is a good week for himCopy !req
310. to meet the man of his dreams.Copy !req
311. If you ask me, Hank,
that boy ain't right.Copy !req
312. Bobby, get in here. Now.Copy !req
313. What's up, Dad?Copy !req
314. Son, do you think you could makeCopy !req
315. this buttermilk-
basted turkey?Copy !req
316. Well, that recipe
takes 24 hours.Copy !req
317. Good thing I started on it
last night.Copy !req
318. I just thought
you were getting upCopy !req
319. to use the bathroom a lot.Copy !req
320. You know what?Copy !req
321. Let's have Bobby
handle the whole meal.Copy !req
322. What?
But-but every year I...Copy !req
323. This year the only thing
you have to do is get hungry.Copy !req
324. Just kick back on the couchCopy !req
325. now that it's fit to sit on.Copy !req
326. Oh, Dad...Copy !req
327. where's the turkey platter?Copy !req
328. I want to start
on the radish roses.Copy !req
329. It's in the garage,
in a box marked:Copy !req
330. "Winter holiday poultry
serving dishes."Copy !req
331. Here, I'll help you find it.Copy !req
332. Mom, you mind
popping my bird in?Copy !req
333. Don't worry, the racks are setCopy !req
334. and the oven's
already preheated.Copy !req
335. It's idiot-proof.Copy !req
336. They do not deserve us.Copy !req
337. Oh... boxed in!Copy !req
338. Did I fix my roof
in the last few days?Copy !req
339. Well, it still looks
pretty bad, so maybe.Copy !req
340. Why?Copy !req
341. I can't buy any
Thanksgiving foodCopy !req
342. because my bank account is emptyCopy !req
343. and... and I can't remember
what I spent it on.Copy !req
344. It's empty because I
cashed your check, BillCopy !req
345. which did not clear for
the full million dollars.Copy !req
346. But that check was a joke,
just like the bet.Copy !req
347. It was a joke...
I laughed.Copy !req
348. We had a legitimate
oral contractCopy !req
349. entered into fully and freelyCopy !req
350. when I said, "Betcha"Copy !req
351. and you said, and I
quote, "You're on."Copy !req
352. Dale, stop talking like a lawyerCopy !req
353. and give Bill his money back.Copy !req
354. What's the point?Copy !req
355. Bill would probably just goCopy !req
356. and spend it on something
stupid, like himself.Copy !req
357. Peggy?Copy !req
358. Oh, I see my haircut
was a success!Copy !req
359. Your Hank, he ravaged
you last night, yes?Copy !req
360. Tell me, what did you do to him?Copy !req
361. I stole his turkey
is what I did.Copy !req
362. I would rather share it
with a man who needs meCopy !req
363. a man who is also alone
on ThanksgivingCopy !req
364. because of the stigma
society attachesCopy !req
365. to his unconventional
sexual appetites.Copy !req
366. Get in here, you drama queen.Copy !req
367. Tell me, tell me, who
is this mystery man?Copy !req
368. Who the hell is she?Copy !req
369. Peggy Hill,
this is my wife ClaudiaCopy !req
370. and my little angel Brett.Copy !req
371. You have a family
that loves you?Copy !req
372. Hank Hill.
Happy Thanksgiving.Copy !req
373. Hank, this is Ernst.Copy !req
374. I hope you're sitting downCopy !req
375. for the bombshell
I am about to drop.Copy !req
376. Last chance to sit.Copy !req
377. Is this about the smell
in Peggy's hair?Copy !req
378. This is not about some smell
that you are imagining.Copy !req
379. Peggy is here with your turkey.Copy !req
380. They are both
bruised and broken.Copy !req
381. Son of a gun!Copy !req
382. Your mother took the turkey and
ran off to her hairdresser's.Copy !req
383. You have made herCopy !req
384. feel useless in her own house.Copy !req
385. Now she is at my houseCopy !req
386. laying face down in a puddle
of her own self-esteem.Copy !req
387. Pull her out before she drowns!Copy !req
388. I breast-fed my Bobby.Copy !req
389. Big mistake.Copy !req
390. Bobby...Copy !req
391. I need you to do two thingsCopy !req
392. I pray you'll
never have to do again.Copy !req
393. Tape the Cowboys' gameCopy !req
394. and give me an apron.Copy !req
395. Hello, Peggy.Copy !req
396. I'm sorry I'm so
under dressed, Hank.Copy !req
397. I see you and Bobby
decided to go formal.Copy !req
398. No, I sent Bobby
to the neighborsCopy !req
399. but first, we whipped up
some of our favorite dishes.Copy !req
400. Happy Thanksgiving!Copy !req
401. Fried pork chops?Copy !req
402. Frito pie with Wolf-brand chili?Copy !req
403. Spa-peggy with meatballs?Copy !req
404. And a half a bottleCopy !req
405. of our wedding wine.Copy !req
406. You don't even need me
to make spa-peggy?Copy !req
407. Nope, I guess notCopy !req
408. but that's okay.Copy !req
409. I didn't marry youCopy !req
410. because I need someone
to cook and clean for me.Copy !req
411. I married you because...
you know...Copy !req
412. you know...Copy !req
413. The love.Copy !req
414. Oh, Hank!Copy !req
415. Mmm, your hair smells
much better now.Copy !req
416. Like stuffing.Copy !req
417. Ripped By mstollCopy !req
418. Bobby, this is the best
Thanksgiving dinner I ever had.Copy !req
419. Ooh-hoo-ooh,
let's do the wishbone!Copy !req
420. This is for a million dollars.Copy !req
421. Okay.Copy !req
422. I won! I won!Copy !req
423. You owe me a million dollars!Copy !req
424. You owe me a million dollars.Copy !req
425. I'm so sorry, Bobby,
he made me do it!Copy !req
426. It was all a setup.Copy !req
427. Boy, that cheese. Mm.Copy !req