1. Ripped By mstollCopy !req
2. Budding thespians of TLMS,
I give youCopy !req
3. the cast list of Oklahoma!Copy !req
4. I'm in a dance number.Copy !req
5. It will be an honor
to work with you.Copy !req
6. I think you'll find
my portrayal of CurlyCopy !req
7. to be both sensitive
and gruff.Copy !req
8. Now, where are you, Curly?Copy !req
9. Ah! Hello there.Copy !req
10. Ken Hayashi?Copy !req
11. Sorry, Bobby.Copy !req
12. Kenny just has a certain
"rootin' tootin" ' qualityCopy !req
13. about him.Copy !req
14. His brother had it, too.Copy !req
15. Yee-haw!Copy !req
16. Wonderful!Copy !req
17. Let's get a move on!Copy !req
18. I want to get to
the flea marketCopy !req
19. while the tube sock
guy is still there.Copy !req
20. Oh, Hank,
just cut the pom-poms offCopy !req
21. and wear a pair of mine.Copy !req
22. Our boy is just sulking in bedCopy !req
23. in his pajamas
and a cowboy hat.Copy !req
24. You know, if you ask
me, there might beCopy !req
25. a silver lining to him
not being a dancing cowboy.Copy !req
26. Hank, we both know
he is not like you,Copy !req
27. but you are still his father,Copy !req
28. so go in there
and sympathize with him.Copy !req
29. It's just...Copy !req
30. the tube sock always brings
that old German Shepard,Copy !req
31. and if it gets too hot,Copy !req
32. I know he's going to
have to take him home.Copy !req
33. I just can't believe it.Copy !req
34. I thought it was meant to be.Copy !req
35. Ah, yeah, I know.Copy !req
36. I know.
It's terrible.Copy !req
37. It's just terrible.Copy !req
38. Terrible.Copy !req
39. It's a beautiful day out there.Copy !req
40. Why don't you get dressed, uh,
throw out that hatCopy !req
41. and go hang out
with your friends?Copy !req
42. I can't.Copy !req
43. Joseph's at football practice,Copy !req
44. and Connie's
at one of her recitals.Copy !req
45. They both got things
they're good at.Copy !req
46. I always thought
performing was my thing.Copy !req
47. You've seen me fall down.Copy !req
48. I can cry on demand.Copy !req
49. Why?Copy !req
50. See?Copy !req
51. Uh... well, we just need
to find you a new thing.Copy !req
52. A cool new thing,Copy !req
53. and I know just the
place to find it.Copy !req
54. Ah, the flea market.Copy !req
55. It's like America's garage.Copy !req
56. You know,
somewhere in all this old stuffCopy !req
57. is the new you, son.Copy !req
58. Hey, a lawnmower engine.Copy !req
59. Get a truck dolly and
an old steering wheel,Copy !req
60. and you could be
"The Go Cart Guy."Copy !req
61. Ah, come on, it's not that hot.Copy !req
62. Here.Copy !req
63. Why don't you take a lap?Copy !req
64. See what you come up with.Copy !req
65. Hey, what are those?Copy !req
66. Oh, those are Tarot Cards.Copy !req
67. People use them
to tell the future.Copy !req
68. They're like baseball cards
for Hobbits!Copy !req
69. I'll take 'em!Copy !req
70. Hey, Bobby, ready to roll?Copy !req
71. Oh, so you found something.Copy !req
72. Yeah. I bought
these really cool cards.Copy !req
73. Well, all right, Bobby!Copy !req
74. Everybody respects a guy
who's good at cards.Copy !req
75. Really?Copy !req
76. Well, sure.Copy !req
77. That's why they always get
nicknames like "Amarillo Slim"Copy !req
78. or "The Cincinnati Kid."Copy !req
79. I know, I'll call you "Ace!"Copy !req
80. Now focus all your energy
on this card,Copy !req
81. and it will foretell
your future.Copy !req
82. The ten of swords...Copy !req
83. it means advantage,
profit, success.Copy !req
84. Well, hey, that's great.Copy !req
85. Things have been going
pretty well for me,Copy !req
86. you know, with my girlfriend,
Laoma, and...Copy !req
87. Oh, wait, it's upside down.Copy !req
88. That means something.Copy !req
89. Pain, affliction,
tears, sadness, desolation.Copy !req
90. Oh, for the love of Mordecai.Copy !req
91. Oh, I see you're into Tarot.Copy !req
92. How long have you divined
the cards?Copy !req
93. Couple of days.Copy !req
94. It's kind of my thing.Copy !req
95. The only thing you can predict
with theseCopy !req
96. is a coincidence.Copy !req
97. No. If you want
any accuracy at all,Copy !req
98. you need a Mantegna deck,
or at least a Fibbia.Copy !req
99. Huh. Sounds like you really know
what you're talking about.Copy !req
100. Yeah. Sounds like.Copy !req
101. As a 14th-level sorcerer,
I'd be a joke if I didn't.Copy !req
102. Of course,
forecasting the futureCopy !req
103. is just the beginning.Copy !req
104. The real power of magick...Copy !req
105. and that's magick with a "ck"...Copy !req
106. comes in manipulating
the present.Copy !req
107. Ward!Copy !req
108. I told you to clean
that bathroom a half hour ago.Copy !req
109. I'm right on it, chief!Copy !req
110. Hey, I want to learnCopy !req
111. more about this stuff.Copy !req
112. Listen, young friend,Copy !req
113. do not let anyone see
this address.Copy !req
114. Arrive exactly
at the stroke of four.Copy !req
115. Ward!Copy !req
116. And bring some potato chips.Copy !req
117. Today, Merlin!Copy !req
118. Damn it, Dale,
you got to stop paintingCopy !req
119. your house number on my curb.Copy !req
120. Sorry, Hank, but I got
to lay low for a while.Copy !req
121. You have no idea how far
the jackals of the Franklin MintCopy !req
122. will go to collect a debt.Copy !req
123. Is it okay if
I'm a little late for dinner?Copy !req
124. My friend Ward invited me
to a gathering.Copy !req
125. Gee, Bobby, you put me
in an awkward position.Copy !req
126. You really should be asking
your father.Copy !req
127. Well, who's this Ward fella?Copy !req
128. I met him at the video store.Copy !req
129. He saw my card pouch,
and we got to talking.Copy !req
130. So I'm going to hang out with
him and his friends tonight.Copy !req
131. I'm bringing the chips.Copy !req
132. Well, see, Bobby,
I knew you'd find your "thing."Copy !req
133. And doesn't that sound like
more funCopy !req
134. than being in a musical
about Oklahoma?Copy !req
135. Welcome to
the Coven of Artemis!Copy !req
136. Wow! Cool lair.Copy !req
137. I suppose introductions
are in order.Copy !req
138. Bobby, meet Vaughn,Copy !req
139. N'oram Woodbender,Copy !req
140. Pan the Soothsayer,Copy !req
141. and of course,
the Master of Disaster...Copy !req
142. Mitchell Jefferson.Copy !req
143. You can't just bring outsiders
to our meetings!Copy !req
144. It's okay, Mitchell.Copy !req
145. He's cool.Copy !req
146. You're supposed to...Copy !req
147. I said, he's cool!Copy !req
148. Welcome.Copy !req
149. Bobby, be forewarned.Copy !req
150. Because of the
powers of the Coven,Copy !req
151. people fear us.Copy !req
152. When we walk down the streets,
mothers steer their babies away.Copy !req
153. Shopkeepers close their stores.Copy !req
154. Holy!Copy !req
155. This looks like something
out of Harry Potter.Copy !req
156. Dude, I just vouched for you.Copy !req
157. If Harry Potter went to... hell.Copy !req
158. This, Bobby, is nutmeg,
and we use this spice for?Copy !req
159. Um, oh, I remember.Copy !req
160. Give me a second...Copy !req
161. invincibility.Copy !req
162. Resplendant!Copy !req
163. The spices sit easily
upon you.Copy !req
164. Oh...Copy !req
165. I see you boys
are making a cake.Copy !req
166. A cake?Copy !req
167. Yeah.Copy !req
168. A cake of tremendous power!Copy !req
169. Score one for the acolyte.Copy !req
170. Fumble, Joseph Gribble.Copy !req
171. As much as I hate seeing
my boy play badly,Copy !req
172. I do enjoy hearing his name
over the loudspeaker.Copy !req
173. Sorry, but I got to blow off
the last quarter.Copy !req
174. I told the guys I'd meet them
in the parking lot.Copy !req
175. Know when to hold 'em, Ace.Copy !req
176. Go get 'em, Shuffles!Copy !req
177. Uh-oh. Ace is
going to need this.Copy !req
178. Hey, any of you kids
seen Bobby Hill...Copy !req
179. Blonde hair, card player...Copy !req
180. That's okay, he must be
tailgating over there.Copy !req
181. Forces of fire,Copy !req
182. beings of the south,Copy !req
183. we command you to rise
and lend us your power!Copy !req
184. Interloper!Copy !req
185. What the hell
are you people doing?Copy !req
186. Hey, Dad!Copy !req
187. Bobby?Copy !req
188. Meet the guys.Copy !req
189. Or as we like to call ourselves:
The Coven of Artemis.Copy !req
190. Here I am thinking
you're playingCopy !req
191. a nice, honest game of poker,Copy !req
192. and instead you're summoningCopy !req
193. the Prince of Dragons?Copy !req
194. Hey, check out the dork!Copy !req
195. Jedi Knight, 10:00.
Hey, what's with Yoda?Copy !req
196. You can't play pokerCopy !req
197. with these cards, Dad.Copy !req
198. That's a good way
to bring downCopy !req
199. the wrath of Lud.Copy !req
200. It's all here
in the book I bought.Copy !req
201. Forty-five
dollars?Copy !req
202. The family Bible
costs less that that,Copy !req
203. and it was written by Jesus.Copy !req
204. Yeah, but this book tells you
how to summon wood nymphsCopy !req
205. and water sprites.Copy !req
206. All right, look,
I know you're at an ageCopy !req
207. where you think all this stuff
is interesting,Copy !req
208. but believe me it really isn't.Copy !req
209. But you told me to find
a new thing.Copy !req
210. And then when I do,Copy !req
211. you just want
to take it away from me.Copy !req
212. They're my circle of power.Copy !req
213. Believe me, Bobby,
I'm doing it for your own good.Copy !req
214. Now we're not going to tell
your mother about this.Copy !req
215. I know she shields meCopy !req
216. from a lot of
the things you do,Copy !req
217. and, well, I'm going
to return the favorCopy !req
218. on this one.Copy !req
219. Harness the energy
of the crystal.Copy !req
220. Well, done, N'oram!Copy !req
221. Your powers are
growing stronger.Copy !req
222. Hey, guys.Copy !req
223. Ah, young apprentice.Copy !req
224. Something is on your mind.Copy !req
225. I can sense it.Copy !req
226. My dad says I can't hang out
with you guys anymore.Copy !req
227. I guess he thinks
magick is dumb.Copy !req
228. Magick is "dumb"?Copy !req
229. Does this look dumb?Copy !req
230. Fzah!Copy !req
231. Don't make me come over there!Copy !req
232. N'oram, are you trying
to get us kicked out of here?Copy !req
233. Sorry.Copy !req
234. Bobby, the problem
with your father isCopy !req
235. he's "ungifted."Copy !req
236. Our kindCopy !req
237. have always been persecutedCopy !req
238. by those who understand not.Copy !req
239. From the Salem
trials of the 1600sCopy !req
240. to the locker room beatings
and bathroom swirlies of today.Copy !req
241. 'Tis all one.Copy !req
242. So that's why my dad
is so weird about this.Copy !req
243. He's threatened by my powers.Copy !req
244. Bobby,Copy !req
245. the mark of Merlin is upon you.Copy !req
246. When you have completed
your training,Copy !req
247. you will be a White Wizard!Copy !req
248. Really? Wow!
What do I have to do?Copy !req
249. When can I start?Copy !req
250. Your training begins now.Copy !req
251. You can start by
refilling my root beer.Copy !req
252. It was wise that you came to me,Copy !req
253. but be forewarned
that I am merely the vesselCopy !req
254. through which the powers flow.Copy !req
255. Are you going to help usCopy !req
256. get our kickball off the roof?Copy !req
257. Silence!Copy !req
258. By the breath of Heckatees,Copy !req
259. I summon the winds of the north
to blow!Copy !req
260. Blow, I say!Copy !req
261. Bobby, a word, please.Copy !req
262. Resplendant!Copy !req
263. Before we get started,Copy !req
264. I'd like to knowCopy !req
265. the proper term
for your religion.Copy !req
266. You know, what's the politically
correct term for "witch"?Copy !req
267. Hank, what is going on here?Copy !req
268. Uh, nothing.Copy !req
269. Bobby just got a little carried away
with this new club,Copy !req
270. but there's nothing
to worry about.Copy !req
271. He's quitting.Copy !req
272. I think everyone's
just a little uptight.Copy !req
273. Why don't I summon up
a tranquillity spiritCopy !req
274. so we can all rest easy.Copy !req
275. Oh, powers
of ancient Boolardune...Copy !req
276. I can't have him praying
in my office.Copy !req
277. School board's
very clear on that.Copy !req
278. He's not praying.Copy !req
279. And he's stopping right now.Copy !req
280. Hank, I may be a mother,
but I am still a woman,Copy !req
281. and I know a girl repellent
when I see it.Copy !req
282. I want grandchildren!
Will you fix this?Copy !req
283. Uh, Mr. Rackley?Copy !req
284. Yes.Copy !req
285. Yeah, I'd like to
have a word with youCopy !req
286. about your son, Ward.Copy !req
287. You see, he and my boy,
Bobby, are playmates...Copy !req
288. Excuse me.
But I'm Ward Rackley.Copy !req
289. You're Ward Rackley?Copy !req
290. It's one
of my many monikers, yes.Copy !req
291. I'm also known
as Madelgar of the North Woods,Copy !req
292. and in certain company,Copy !req
293. Austin Osman Starklarvatard.Copy !req
294. How old are you? 30? 40?Copy !req
295. Ha! Not even close.Copy !req
296. I am 5,000.Copy !req
297. Don't you have some
friends your own age?Copy !req
298. Someone to drink with,
maybe a girlfriend?Copy !req
299. And waste my seed
on a common harlot?Copy !req
300. Not likely.Copy !req
301. When the time is right,Copy !req
302. a maiden will be
delivered up to me.Copy !req
303. Probably from the east.Copy !req
304. Some of this isn't your fault.Copy !req
305. I mean, a man can only
take so many wedgiesCopy !req
306. before he goes to pieces.Copy !req
307. Good luck to you, buddy.Copy !req
308. And stay away from my son,
or I'll kick your ass.Copy !req
309. You don't understand
who you threaten.Copy !req
310. I have powers.Copy !req
311. Terrible powers!Copy !req
312. Ma!Copy !req
313. Okay, we tried it your way;
now you're doing it my way.Copy !req
314. This is a carburetor.Copy !req
315. Take it apart,
put it back together.Copy !req
316. Repeat until you're normal.Copy !req
317. But, Dad, the Dark Arts are
nothing to be afraid of.Copy !req
318. I'm not afraid of that garbage.Copy !req
319. I'm afraid of youCopy !req
320. getting your ass
kicked every dayCopy !req
321. for the rest of your lifeCopy !req
322. because you found a new
way to act like a nerd.Copy !req
323. Ward said
you wouldn't understand.Copy !req
324. Bobby, you don't
need a crystal ballCopy !req
325. to see Ward's future.Copy !req
326. He's going to live
with his mother until she dies,Copy !req
327. and maybe for
a few weeks after.Copy !req
328. Now, until you stop
with all this nonsense,Copy !req
329. I want you to take
your carburetorCopy !req
330. and go to your room.Copy !req
331. I know my dadCopy !req
332. must've come off
as some kind of nut job,Copy !req
333. but you've got to believe,Copy !req
334. I'm completely committed
to our power circle.Copy !req
335. Are you? I wonder.Copy !req
336. I'd think you'd be able
to control your fatherCopy !req
337. as effectively
as I control Mother.Copy !req
338. Nevertheless,
Bobby's daddy has shown usCopy !req
339. that persecution of our kind
is on the rise.Copy !req
340. Perhaps it's time to take
our powers to the next level.Copy !req
341. Yeah!
Approved!Copy !req
342. Tonight we are going
to kick it up a notchCopy !req
343. and summon a dread force
that will bestow upon usCopy !req
344. unequaled power!Copy !req
345. And of course we'll need someone
to be the chalice holder.Copy !req
346. I'll do it.Copy !req
347. Excellent, my young apprentice.Copy !req
348. You'll earn
that White Wizard cone yet.Copy !req
349. We will convene at
the ceremony groundsCopy !req
350. at half past the eighth hour.Copy !req
351. Assuming that fat ass
let's me leave on time.Copy !req
352. Cool. So, uh, what does
the chalice holder do, anyway?Copy !req
353. You hold the chalice
during the incantation.Copy !req
354. Then, right after
we light the candles,Copy !req
355. you drink caninus spiritus.Copy !req
356. What's caninus spiritus?Copy !req
357. Dog blood.Copy !req
358. What?Copy !req
359. You are the chosen one, Bobby.Copy !req
360. Soon, and for all time,Copy !req
361. you will be known
throughout the land as...Copy !req
362. Robert the Dog-Quaffer.Copy !req
363. Have you, uh, checked outCopy !req
364. John Redcorn's
New Age Healing Center?Copy !req
365. You really should.Copy !req
366. On Friday nights,Copy !req
367. John Redcorn and his band,Copy !req
368. Big Mountain Fudge Cake,
will be playing.Copy !req
369. I'm John Redcorn.Copy !req
370. I told you, no more fliers.Copy !req
371. Hey, Bobby, you like to rock.Copy !req
372. Huh?Copy !req
373. I'm just reading up
on ancient ceremoniesCopy !req
374. where people had to drink
animal blood.Copy !req
375. Aah, there's got to be
a loophole somewhere.Copy !req
376. You're losing me.Copy !req
377. You can't tell anyone this.Copy !req
378. Promise me?Copy !req
379. Bobby, I give you my
oath as a New Age healer.Copy !req
380. Okay. This group of guys
I hang with,Copy !req
381. we're doing a ceremony tonight,Copy !req
382. and they want me to drink
the dog blood.Copy !req
383. Dog? Eww!Copy !req
384. That's just weird.Copy !req
385. I have to do it.Copy !req
386. I can't do theater.Copy !req
387. I can't do sports.Copy !req
388. If I can't drink
something gross,Copy !req
389. what have I got?Copy !req
390. I had a breakthrough last night
with my fruit rehydrator.Copy !req
391. Can you believe
a mere 12 hours ago,Copy !req
392. these plump, luscious grapes
were raisins?Copy !req
393. Hank, there's something
that I think you should know.Copy !req
394. Something very personal
and disturbing.Copy !req
395. Sounds like we should leave.Copy !req
396. What is it, John Redcorn?Copy !req
397. Bobby's going to drink
dog blood.Copy !req
398. Aah! Aah! Aah!Copy !req
399. What?Copy !req
400. It's part of some ceremony
his friends have cooked up,Copy !req
401. and it's going down tonight.Copy !req
402. No gottdang way.Copy !req
403. I'm not going to let Bobby
be branded a freakCopy !req
404. for the rest of his life.Copy !req
405. Before we get started,Copy !req
406. a debt of gratitude is owed
to Brother VaughnCopy !req
407. for procuring the offering.Copy !req
408. My mom's new boyfriend's
a veterinarian.Copy !req
409. He lets me call him Rick.Copy !req
410. Resplendent!Copy !req
411. Now, everyone,
if you would all be so goodCopy !req
412. as to take your positions
on the pentagram.Copy !req
413. Uh, Ward,Copy !req
414. a pentagram has five points,
but there's only four bases.Copy !req
415. Why do you always test me,
Mitchell?Copy !req
416. Just go stand at shortstop.Copy !req
417. We don't have your cat.Copy !req
418. I'm looking for my son, Bobby.Copy !req
419. Is Ward there?Copy !req
420. Well, his bicycle isn't here,
so he must be gone.Copy !req
421. Want to come in?Copy !req
422. Oh...Copy !req
423. Whoops.Copy !req
424. We humbly come before youCopy !req
425. to ask for your magnificent
strength and wisdom...Copy !req
426. All right, everybody,
party's over.Copy !req
427. Oh, sorry.Copy !req
428. I'm looking for
a bunch of warlocks.Copy !req
429. Warlocks?Copy !req
430. You know, nerds
in capes and stuff.Copy !req
431. Oh, yeah.Copy !req
432. We kicked them out
about an hour ago.Copy !req
433. The tall guy geeked hard.Copy !req
434. I cast a spell
on his ass with my foot.Copy !req
435. And now, in the melding
of our joint worlds,Copy !req
436. our White Wizard will
ingest the elixir...Copy !req
437. caninus spiritus.Copy !req
438. White Wizard, White Wizard...Copy !req
439. White Wizard, White Wizard.Copy !req
440. Bobby, now.Copy !req
441. Do it now.Copy !req
442. Uh...Copy !req
443. I don't know
if I'm ready for this.Copy !req
444. Every gifted one passes
through the bog of doubt.Copy !req
445. Now, do it!Copy !req
446. I can't.Copy !req
447. You have to.Copy !req
448. Do it now, before
the moon wanes.Copy !req
449. Yeah, ye-yes, right!Copy !req
450. Before the moon wanes.Copy !req
451. I'm sorry.
L-I just can't do it.Copy !req
452. It's gross.Copy !req
453. Then we will have
to destroy you.Copy !req
454. Menta, besa, lorta, orga.Copy !req
455. Menta, besa, lorta.Copy !req
456. Oh, my God!Copy !req
457. My dad was right about you guys.Copy !req
458. Under these cool robes and hats,Copy !req
459. you're all just
a bunch of losers.Copy !req
460. Silence, insolentone!Copy !req
461. Accept your fate.Copy !req
462. Fzah!Copy !req
463. You guys are so nerdy,Copy !req
464. even I feel like giving you
a wedgie.Copy !req
465. I was wrong about him.Copy !req
466. He is ungifted and deserves
nothing but our censure.Copy !req
467. Thanks for the robe, fellas.Copy !req
468. Oh, there's someCopy !req
469. dragon feathers in the pocket.Copy !req
470. Help yourself.Copy !req
471. Well, I guess I was able
to make him disappear.Copy !req
472. Mitchell, how would you like
to be the chalice holder?Copy !req
473. No?Copy !req
474. Anybody?Copy !req
475. Well, no reason to wasteCopy !req
476. to perfectly good
caninus spiritus.Copy !req
477. Let's find an overpass.Copy !req
478. Bobby!Copy !req
479. Hey, Dad.Copy !req
480. Are you okay?Copy !req
481. You, uh, you didn't drink
the dog blood, did you?Copy !req
482. Me? Drink dog blood?Copy !req
483. That's not my thing.Copy !req
484. Well, good for you.Copy !req
485. I mean, to tell you the truth,Copy !req
486. those guys are
a little pathetic.Copy !req
487. Can you believe Ward was wearing
socks with his sandals?Copy !req
488. Unbelievable.Copy !req
489. I guess I still need to find
exactly what my thing is.Copy !req
490. Well, that's okay, son.Copy !req
491. You've still got time.Copy !req
492. I didn't really find football
till high school.Copy !req
493. And I was in my twenties
when I found propane.Copy !req
494. What's wrong with wearing
socks with sandals?Copy !req
495. Ripped By mstollCopy !req
496. Resplendent!Copy !req