King of the Hill 7x18

Directed by Adam Kuhlman

Martin Starr as Andrew / Tommy (voice) • Phil LaMarr as (voice) • Monica Keena as Rain / Maria (voice) • David Herman as Buckley / Eustis / Additional Voices (voice) • Dennis Burkley as Principal Moss (voice)

Peggy takes over the organic garden at Bobby's school, but an insect infestation threatens her hope of making the post permanent.

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1. Looking sharp, Mom.

2. Hey, are you subbing today?

3. Bobby, you know I am.

4. You left me that message that they want me to sub for Italian.

5. Uh, no…

6. I wanted an Italian sub for lunch.

7. Well, I'm all dressed up.

8. I guess I could just shelve books at the library

9. till they throw me out.

10. Oh, dang it.

11. Says here because of high produce prices,

12. schools are yanking vegetables from their menu.

13. Man, first they get rid of the organic garden, and now this.

14. What is it with this school and vegetables?

15. Organic garden?

16. What organic garden?

17. The coaches try to keep it under wraps.

18. You see, the kids who wanna get out of gym class

19. can work in the garden instead.

20. I just wish I'd found out about it sooner.

21. Then I wouldn't have take the Presidential Fitness Test.

22. You'd rather work in an organic garden

23. than participate in the Presidential Fitness Test?

24. Where's your patriotism, boy?

25. I hate doing the flexed-arm hang in front of everyone.

26. They call me T-Rex because my arms can't support my weight.

27. - Bobby, the flexed-arm hang… - I know,

28. I know…

29. Could mean the difference between life and death.

30. Doesn't matter anyway.

31. Mr. Tomich is retiring and the garden is closing.

32. End of story.

33. So, as you can see

34. and smell,

35. I am a very gifted gardener.

36. Sorry, Peggy, but we're not looking to replace Mr. Tomich.

37. See, nobody really needs an organic garden.

38. The football team, on the other hand,

39. could use more storage space for their tackling sleds

40. and old, broken helmets.

41. Nice punt.

42. I tell you, this team's got something.

43. Not like last year.

44. Runts almost got me fired.

45. What if the garden was working for the football team?

46. Football? I'm listening.

47. My husband read in the paper this morning

48. about the veggie shortage.

49. This team needs their vitamins.

50. How do you expect them to make it to State

51. without iceberg on their hamburgers?

52. If you put me in charge,

53. I will provide the team

54. with the freshest vegetables in Heimlich County.

55. Tell you what, Peggy,

56. I'll give you a shot.

57. You do okay, we'll talk permanent.

58. And make sure you grow kale.

59. That new quarterback we got loves kale.

60. - Hey, Dad, wanna see me? - No.

61. - But you don't know what I… - No.

62. Say hello to Tom Landry Middle School's newest organic gardening teacher.

63. You saved the garden?

64. Way to go, Mom!

65. Mm-hmm.

66. And now it will be supplying fresh vegetables

67. to the football team.

68. Organic garden?

69. That's what hippies eat.

70. When was the last time you saw a hippie

71. that could take on an offensive tackle?

72. Oh, who cares?

73. Hank, organic gardening is terribly inefficient.

74. It's a full-time job.

75. It could be my full-time job.

76. Good morning, class.

77. I am your new gardening teacher, Mrs. Hill.

78. So, this is all of you?

79. Uh-huh.

80. Okay.

81. Oh, this looks ripe.

82. Let's get to work.

83. Work?

84. Mom, you're embarrassing me.

85. Mr. Tomich did everything himself.

86. Sometimes we picked stuff. Mostly, we just sat around and whatever.

87. Well, there will be no "whatevering"

88. in Mrs. Hill's garden.

89. Mmm.

90. So that's why people eat fruit.

91. Mmm…

92. Boy, look at those jumping jacks.

93. This is the year, I tell you what.

94. Hey, Mom, why are we bringing all of this up to the field?

95. So the cafeteria cooks can't steal our glory.

96. Coming through.

97. Make room for tomatoes so juicy

98. you'll wanna eat them with a lifeguard.

99. Organic goodness.

100. Straight from Mother Nature's womb.

101. Uh, he… hey, look over there.

102. Who's got a stopwatch?

103. Let's check out the hang time on that punter.

104. Hey, Hank, that's some fine-looking produce

105. your boy's got there.

106. Yeah, maybe it'll give them enough juice

107. to get off their butts and hustle!

108. Huh, I guess this stuff does look pretty good.

109. Looks a lot better than that got-dang special team!

110. Can't catch a punt to save their lives!

111. Good work, kid.

112. You know, I got to admit, Peggy,

113. this stuff looks so good

114. I might have to became a vegetarian.

115. Not really.

116. Look sharp, Bobby, it's the coach.

117. That's a heck of a good-looking berry.

118. Keep up the good work, son.

119. Keep it movin', ladies.

120. "Keep up the good work, son."

121. Yep, that's what the coach said to Bobby.

122. And then when Bobby set out those organic onions

123. it was like he caught a 32-yard pass.

124. What exactly

125. are you trying to do, Hank?

126. Turn our school into some sort of bohemian Montessori love-fest?

127. No, it's not like that.

128. It's not like the organic gardening they did at Jonestown.

129. It's more like farming.

130. And you should have seen the size of the crops.

131. I tell you, for a bunch of gym-dodgers,

132. these kids did a pretty decent job.

133. Well, I guess I'm gonna head on in

134. and watch some of the Home and Garden Network.

135. It's compost week.

136. Bobby and I are thinking of making a batch for the team.

137. Dang it, now I've got compost fever.

138. Me too.

139. Maybe we could pitch in.

140. Great idea.

141. Now we need to find some leftover food,

142. lawn clippings, dead leaves, and coffee grounds

143. that have been left to rot for a long, long time.

144. Just for the record,

145. there is a garbage can in there somewhere.

146. You know what would make this baby sing?

147. Bat guano.

148. Nature's Miracle-Gro.

149. Where do you buy bat guano? Sears?

150. Yes. But it lacks

151. the potency of straight-out-of-the-bat feces.

152. Nope, we have to go right to the source.

153. Mano-a-guano.

154. "Gold Bar summer squash."

155. Mmm.

156. Ah! Mom, come here!

157. Look at all these bugs.

158. Oh.

159. Mrs. Hill, Spencer told me to tell you

160. there's some weird fungus on the turnips,

161. and I saw some snails near the lettuce.

162. I already stepped on one.

163. It was pretty cool.

164. Oh, god. We have to feed these to the football team today.

165. Why did I promise them a field of greens?

166. Die! Die! Die!

167. Hey, everybody, the cavalry's here.

168. Bobby, show the coach what kind of ammo

169. you've got for our troops today.

170. Oh, you know, just more of the same.

171. What the hell happened to this carrot, son?

172. I wouldn't feed it to sixth grade J.V.

173. Oh, this is terrible.

174. Got anything else for the team to eat?

175. An old hubcap?

176. A wadded-up newspaper?

177. Peggy, I got to tell you,

178. my job would be a lot easier if you weren't feeding worms

179. to the football team.

180. I gotta call this garden thing off.

181. No, you can't do that.

182. Oh, man.

183. I was practically on the football team.

184. Now, hold on, Carl. Can I remind you

185. of the time the school board wanted to fire

186. a certain principal for growing a ponytail?

187. Well, Hank, that was a long time ago.

188. A lot of us said, "Yeah, he looks like a jackass,

189. but he deserves another chance,"

190. and that's all we're asking for.

191. You got two weeks.

192. Hey, Coach? I don't feel so…

193. One week.

194. Don't worry, Peggy, we'll turn that garden around.

195. I have never seen a problem teamwork couldn't fix.

196. "Aphids. Worms."

197. Why does every book about organic gardens have naked people in it?

198. Well, this one has three chapters on Nixon

199. and nothing about bugs.

200. So when they say "Mother Earth" they mean dirt, right?

201. I'm not sure, but wait, listen to this.

202. "Snails are attracted to the smell of beer.

203. They will follow the scent, fall into the beer and drown."

204. Just like Judy Garland.

205. Okay, here we are.

206. What a… uh

207. great-looking group of kids this is.

208. This isn't all of them, is it?

209. Uh, so how many of you have ever tried out for a team?

210. And how many of you have ever been picked for a team?

211. Uh… okay then.

212. Well, I'm forming a team.

213. The Garden Team.

214. And you're all my first-round draft picks.

215. All right! I'm playing for my dad.

216. With your permission, I'd like to lead us in a cheer.

217. Give me a…

218. Permission denied.

219. Now, if we're gonna be a team,

220. we gotta play together and give it all we got.

221. So let's get in there and show these bugs we mean business.

222. Last call for beer, you little garden munchers.

223. You don't have to go home, but you cannot stay here.

224. Now, supposedly these milk cartons

225. will help protect the base of the plants from crawling bugs,

226. "which are all beautiful in their own way."

227. Queen Amidala,

228. I will save you from the Dark Side.

229. If there were more than one Garden Team, we'd be in last place.

230. Quit screwing around, guys.

231. Now forget about Queen Amidala and the Dark Side.

232. Who's saving these cucumbers from aphids?

233. Boy, it's true what they say about the Denton Flea Market.

234. You really can get anything there.

235. So how much guano have you collected so far?

236. None. But I've been feeding it bugs and prunes

237. and massaging its colon for the past two days,

238. so the flood gates are about to open.

239. Build an ark, boys.

240. We're gonna need more bats.

241. Andrew, how many times do I have to tell you,

242. the weed puller is for

243. pulling weeds. Oh.

244. Oh, good job.

245. Dang it, Rain, I don't think your extract of hippie

246. is gonna help our garden.

247. Actually, these are ashes from our wood stove at home.

248. They discourage slugs and cut worms.

249. Rain, you have just earned yourself a high five.

250. Come on, don't leave me hanging.

251. Hank, why isn't this working?

252. Damn it, these bugs are eating my career.

253. Peggy, I had my doubts about this whole organic thing too,

254. but if the old gardening teacher pulled it off,

255. then so can we.

256. Look at these kids.

257. They're actually working as a team.

258. Slow down, Tommy.

259. Save some water for the plants.

260. Mr. Tomich, I do not know how you did it.

261. I tried every organic trick in the book.

262. Soapy water, pepper spray, tobacco, cotton balls,

263. pecan shells, ladybugs,

264. and I got jack.

265. Uh… How about Methyl isothiocyanate?

266. That wasn't in my organic gardening book.

267. What is it?

268. A very powerful pesticide.

269. Just be sure not to get any on your hands.

270. But… but the whole point

271. is to teach kids about organic gardening.

272. That's why you don't tell anybody.

273. Oh, my god, you grew a garden of lies.

274. Yes, and tomatoes the size of your cranium.

275. Look, if you wanna keep your garden and your job,

276. you got to use pesticides.

277. What do you think is keeping termites from eating this deck?

278. Love?

279. Dad, look at the size of this one!

280. If Gallagher smashed it,

281. it would reach all the way to the back of the room.

282. You see, Peggy, you didn't have faith, but look at this place.

283. Is there anything beer can't do?

284. Mm… Uh-huh, you're right.

285. I know this stuff is for the football team,

286. but it just looks so good,

287. I'm gonna have to try a sample.

288. Hank, no! No!

289. It's for the football team.

290. And don't touch your eyes.

291. According to the nice lady

292. at the Flying Mammal Society,

293. this bridge is home to more than 30,000 bats.

294. Even if half of them are constipated,

295. it's still a gold mine.

296. Oh, man, that god ol' dang ol' P and ol' U, man.

297. Oh, god, it's awful.

298. The floor is slippery.

299. That's a good sign.

300. Boomhauer, get ready.

301. I think I hear something.

302. Yes!

303. Picking up…

304. Uh-oh.

305. Oh, god, we've awakened a sleeping, pooping giant!

306. I've got a bat in my mouth!

307. Listen up, team.

308. I just wanted to tell you all

309. how proud I am.

310. You've overcome the elements, the bugs,

311. and God knows, your own limitations.

312. I got heatstroke.

313. Look at this.

314. I thought it was a tumor,

315. but Mom said it was a callus.

316. And since you guys are working like a team,

317. I figured it's about time you looked like one.

318. Yep, team jerseys.

319. Bobby, you keep up the good work

320. and I might have to sew a "C" on that jersey

321. for Captain.

322. Oh…

323. All right, team.

324. Early bird kills the worm.

325. - Peggy? - Oh! What? What?

326. Peggy, what are you doing?

327. Well, I… I was just vacuuming?

328. That's a skull and crossbones sticker.

329. It says, "Poison."

330. All right.

331. I've been spraying pesticides.

332. But, Peggy, this is an organic garden.

333. Using chemicals is the only thing you're not allowed to do.

334. Oh, come on, Hank.

335. How else do you think it was able to grow so well?

336. You mean it wasn't us?

337. The team?

338. And I already thanked God for a bountiful harvest.

339. He must think I'm an idiot.

340. Well, I had no choice.

341. You can't get anything good without chemicals.

342. Why… Chemicals are what keep my hair so high and brown.

343. Hank?

344. Hank!

345. Screw helping the football team.

346. If they want guano,

347. they can crawl through hell getting it like we did.

348. I had to burn my favorite Levis

349. and a hat that was perfectly molded to my head.

350. Step right up, man.

351. Get… get a little ol' guano just like them dang, dang ol' Egyptians, man.

352. Gonna change your life, man. You're gonna…

353. Just, just guaranteed to be fresh too, man.

354. You, sir,

355. why are you afraid to take the guano challenge?

356. Are you afraid it might rock your world?

357. Coward!

358. So Principal Moss pulled the plug on the garden.

359. The football team is moving their blocking sleds

360. over there next week.

361. Good.

362. I'm on a goddang mailing list

363. for an organic food store now.

364. To think I shopped at a place called Passages.

365. I guess the Garden Team has one more game left, huh, Dad.

366. Harvesting the last crop.

367. There never was any Garden Team.

368. This was just your mother, the cheater,

369. spraying her cheater juice

370. all over the place.

371. No, it wasn't.

372. We worked hard on that garden.

373. Who knows what we really did.

374. It's like we all got caught using steroids.

375. The only honorable thing left to do

376. is forfeit and get off the field.

377. What are you doing, Bobby?

378. The Garden Team's dead.

379. We should just set fire to the whole thing

380. and watch it burn.

381. We planted this garden,

382. and we worked hard to make it grow.

383. Now, there's one more harvest left,

384. and the snails are gonna have to go through me to get it.

385. Blue, 32. Hike.

386. He's open.

387. He's open!

388. He…

389. Goddangit!

390. Oh, look who it is.

391. Hippie Hill.

392. Hey, Granola, what's your boy doing in the garden over there?

393. Dang it, Bobby.

394. All right, I'll go make sure they're gone

395. before the football team

396. brings over their blocking sleds.

397. Keep it up, team.

398. It's the fifth quarter,

399. and time's running out.

400. I know you're tired and sore,

401. but if we don't bring these vegetables in, no one will.

402. So keep picking till you can't pick any more,

403. and then pick one more.

404. Try planting this!

405. It's raining pain!

406. Incoming.

407. They always come.

408. Ow. Ow. Ow.

409. Eat this!

410. Oh.

411. If something's in your way, run it over.

412. Get out of the way, garden dorks!

413. Why, Dad? Why?

414. I don't think so.

415. These kids have worked hard,

416. and this is what's gonna happen.

417. They're gonna harvest their vegetables,

418. you guys are gonna eat 'em,

419. and then you're gonna say thank you.

420. Move 'em, Hank.

421. These cupcakes don't belong on the football field.

422. You guys know I can play running back,

423. but I can block, too.

424. As I recall, Rick, you were a tennis player, right?

425. All right, come on, let's get back to practice.

426. We have been working on this garden for a week,

427. and I tried to resist, but…

428. Dad, give me a wheelbarrow ride!

429. Okay, quick, get in.

430. Can I help?

431. I've gone straight. I swear.

432. I'm done with chemicals.

433. I didn't even use any shampoo

434. or soap or deodorant this morning.

435. Smell me.

436. You can help step on beetles.

437. But I got to warn you,

438. the ones that survived the poisons

439. are really tough.

440. Come on, let's go.

441. Faster! Faster!

442. Come on!

443. Is there anything beer can't do?