1.  Ripped By mstoll 
			  
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2.  I bought this whetstone 
			  
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3.  the day Bobby was born. 
			  
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4.  I can't believe he's ready to
sharpen his first mower blade. 
			  
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5.  Son... 
			  
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6.  you're a teenager now,
on your way to becoming a man. 
			  
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7.  This will help you
on the journey. 
			  
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8.  Wow. I've always wanted
one of these. 
			  
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9.  No, no! Stop that! 
			  
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10.  This is for sharpening
mower blades. 
			  
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11.  You'll sharpen every Saturday 
			  
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12.  and when you've shown me 
			  
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13.  you can handle
the responsibility 
			  
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14.  you'll get to use those blades
to mow the lawn. 
			  
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15.  Okay. 
			  
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16.  Hey, don't put that
down there. 
			  
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17.  Oops. Sorry. 
			  
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18.  Dang it, Bobby. 
			  
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19.  You're going to rake leaves 
			  
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20.  until that whetstone
is paid off. 
			  
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21.  And every Thursday,
you're going to bag them 
			  
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22.  and drag them to the curb 
			  
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23.  so they can be picked up
by garbageman Morehouse. 
			  
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24.  How about he grabs the bags
himself? 
			  
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25.  He seems to like it, Dad. 
			  
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26.  He's made a career of it. 
			  
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27.  Start raking. 
			  
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28.  What the? 
			  
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29.  Bobby! 
			  
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30.  Coming. 
			  
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31.  Ow! 
			  
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32.  Huh? I've been practicing
all morning. 
			  
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33.  That's it. 
			  
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34.  You're grounded 
			  
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35.  until you're ready to pick up
those leaves. 
			  
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36.  Okay. 
			  
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37.  I mean it, mister. 
			  
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38.  Can I take the rake with me? 
			  
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39.  No. 
			  
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40.  Dinner's ready. 
			  
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41.  In a minute. 
			  
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42.  Son, I'm sorry I had to come
down hard on you, but you're... 
			  
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43.  What are you doing? 
			  
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44.  Just smelling stuff. 
			  
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45.  Uh-huh. 
			  
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46.  The clock radio smells
like my Game Boy 
			  
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47.  but it tastes like
my library card. 
			  
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48.  I wonder if it smells
different when it's on? 
			  
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49.  So, where's Bobby? 
			  
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50.  I want to talk to
someone while you work. 
			  
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51.  He's grounded. 
			  
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52.  Not that he cares. 
			  
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53.  He's just sitting there, uh...
smelling things in his room. 
			  
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54.  That boy ain't right. 
			  
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55.  Don't blame Bobby. 
			  
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56.  You've been babying him
ever since he was a baby. 
			  
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57.  I don't baby him. 
			  
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58.  I've explained responsibility
to him a hundred times. 
			  
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59.  Explain? 
			  
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60.  You don't explain responsibility
to a child. 
			  
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61.  You pound it into them
with steel-toed boots. 
			  
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62.  Uh, well, I-I don't really
know if... 
			  
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63.  I know. 
			  
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64.  And I'll tell you. 
			  
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65.  We got to chisel the man
out of the baby fat 
			  
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66.  via the Fort Berk Academy. 
			  
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67.  That's what worked for me. 
			  
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68.  I always wanted to go
to the Academy. 
			  
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69.  And I wish I
could've sent you. 
			  
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70.  Unfortunately, you were such
a bumbling moron 
			  
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71.  I couldn't vouch for you. 
			  
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72.  I think I would've made
a great cadet. 
			  
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73.  Nah, you wouldn't
have been no good. 
			  
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74.  But if you'd gone, you'd
know how to handle Bobby. 
			  
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75.  Yep, even the Academy's
two-week boot camp 
			  
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76.  does more than most parents can
do to their kids in a lifetime. 
			  
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77.  Now Bobby...
he'd make a fine cadet. 
			  
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78.  Huh. 
			  
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79.  I do not know how Bobby gets this
cape so wrinkled. 
			  
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80.  Yeah, I don't know what to do
about him, either. 
			  
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81.  What would you think about 
			  
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82.  letting the instructors at
Fort Berk take a crack at him? 
			  
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83.  Cotton's old school? 
			  
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84.  Sure. And then maybe
this summer 
			  
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85.  we can send him
to Cotton's old POW camp. 
			  
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86.  Peggy, I talked to the principal 
			  
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87.  and he assured me that
they are tough, but not rough. 
			  
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88.  He spent a long time
on the phone 
			  
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89.  explaining the distinction. 
			  
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90.  Come on. Today,
you're ironing his cape. 
			  
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91.  If we don't take
drastic action 
			  
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92.  tomorrow there'll be
a top hat in the picture. 
			  
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93.  Bobby? 
			  
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94.  It's your Gampy. 
			  
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95.  We got a little present
for ya. 
			  
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96.  Hi, Ging-ging. 
			  
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97.  What'd you bring me? 
			  
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98.  Wow, a costume! 
			  
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99.  "You want the truth? 
			  
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100.  You can't handle the truth!" 
			  
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101.  It's perfect. 
			  
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102.  This ain't no costume, boy. 
			  
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103.  It's a uniform. 
			  
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104.  Standard issue for all cadets
at Fort Berk Academy. 
			  
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105.  Huh? 
			  
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106.  Yep. We're giving you 
			  
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107.  the privilege of attending 
			  
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108.  the Academy's two-week
boot camp program. 
			  
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109.  Enjoy your spring break, son. 
			  
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110.  Boot camp? 
			  
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111.  Can't we work something out? 
			  
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112.  What if I agreed to a spanking? 
			  
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113.  You can have both. 
			  
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114.  I'm not sure what this means 
			  
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115.  but I once heard that when you're
stuck in an unpleasant situation 
			  
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116.  it helps to just lie back
and think of England. 
			  
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117.  That's enough, Hank's wife! 
			  
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118.  If you got more feelings
to express 
			  
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119.  get in the kitchen
and put them in a bundt cake. 
			  
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120.  Pi-diddle. 
			  
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121.  Come on, Bobby. 
			  
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122.  Whenever you see a cripple plate 
			  
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123.  yell "pi-diddle"
and punch your dad. 
			  
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124.  I'm not much in the mood
to play games, Grandpa. 
			  
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125.  Come on, boy. 
			  
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126.  Take your tee-hees
while you can. 
			  
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127.  Soon enough, all the silly 
			  
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128.  is going to get beaten out
of you. For good. 
			  
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129.  You'll be fine, Bobby. 
			  
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130.  But if you start crying 
			  
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131.  just try to push the
tears onto your forehead 
			  
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132.  so it'll look like sweat. 
			  
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133.  In my day, the principal
was the meanest son of a bitch 
			  
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134.  God ever put on one leg. 
			  
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135.  He'd lean on a desk with both
hands and swing his leg at you. 
			  
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136.  Then, when you were
standing there 
			  
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137.  shocked that a one-legged man
had kicked you, he'd bite you. 
			  
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138.  Oops. Well. 
			  
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139.  Huh. 
			  
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140.  How you like that? 
			  
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141.  Must've over-reminisced
and brought up my pain water. 
			  
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142.  Pi-diddle. 
			  
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143.  There it is, boys. 
			  
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144.  God! Ain't it beautiful? 
			  
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145.  That, my friend,
is "the hole." 
			  
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146.  If I had a nickel 
			  
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147.  for every boy
that went loco in there 
			  
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148.  I'd be eating nickel soup. 
			  
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149.  They can put a boy in a hole? 
			  
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150.  No, they...
They gots to! 
			  
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151.  It's hard to be willful
if your will's been broken. 
			  
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152.  What are you doing? 
			  
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153.  Well, I was planning
on coming in with you guys. 
			  
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154.  I thought I explained
this to you 30 years ago. 
			  
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155.  You ain't good enough! 
			  
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156.  I was just going
to help Bobby get... 
			  
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157.  You've helped enough! 
			  
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158.  Starting now,
Fort Berk takes over. 
			  
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159.  So keep yourself and your
hippie style of parenting 
			  
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160.  outside the gate. 
			  
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161.  Dad? 
			  
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162.  Good Lord, they're going
to have to get bigger sticks 
			  
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163.  to beat the frosting
out of these fatties. 
			  
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164.  But they'll do it. 
			  
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165.  Colonel Hill, it's an honor 
			  
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166.  to finally meet
our most decorated alumnus. 
			  
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167.  You're darn skippy it is 
			  
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168.  but I don't wants my boy
getting no special handling. 
			  
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169.  I assure you, Colonel 
			  
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170.  he'll get the
standard treatment. 
			  
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171.  Well, boy, may God bless you. 
			  
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172.  Not that it would
help you in here. 
			  
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173.  I can hardly wait
to see my grandson 
			  
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174.  all toughened up. 
			  
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175.  You think you folks
could mail me copies 
			  
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176.  of his daily beating logs? 
			  
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177.  Colonel Hill, you do realize 
			  
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178.  things have changed
since your time here? 
			  
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179.  All right, you can
e-mail them to me. 
			  
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180.  Lights out! 
			  
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181.  I suggest you get as much sleep
as you can 
			  
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182.  before the senior
cadets come by 
			  
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183.  to... welcome you. 
			  
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184.  Oh, no, I made a code yellow. 
			  
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185.  Oh, God, my grandpa told me
they come in and beat you 
			  
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186.  with sacks
full of frozen oranges. 
			  
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187.  Oh, dang! 
			  
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188.  Someone's coming. 
			  
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189.  Lie back and think of England. 
			  
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190.  Hugh Grant, Spice Girls...
Paddington. 
			  
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191.  I don't get it. 
			  
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192.  Why was that
supposed to be scary? 
			  
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193.  Well, five more minutes
like that 
			  
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194.  and I guess it might have caused
some hearing damage. 
			  
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195.  Just think, when Bobby
comes home from Fort Berk 
			  
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196.  he's going to be respectful,
obedient and easy to manage. 
			  
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197.  That's right, Hank...
just like a... a show dog. 
			  
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198.  My grandpa says
that all you get for breakfast 
			  
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199.  is a spoonful of salt
and some stale bread. 
			  
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200.  Oh, man! 
			  
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201.  That's how they brainwash you. 
			  
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202.  They starve you first. 
			  
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203.  Okay, plebes, move it. 
			  
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204.  Crepe station closes 
			  
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205.  in five minutes. 
			  
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206.  Uh, these sure are
some good peas, Peggy. 
			  
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207.  What's your secret? 
			  
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208.  Microwave. 
			  
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209.  I wonder if Bobby's
being forced to sleep 
			  
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210.  in mud ordung right now? 
			  
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211.  Wait, what's today, Tuesday? 
			  
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212.  Dung. 
			  
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213.  No one is answering, Hank! 
			  
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214.  Oh, they're probably
all bound and gagged. 
			  
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215.  Oh, my God. 
			  
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216.  What if the wires
from this doorbell 
			  
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217.  are connected to his nipples? 
			  
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218.  It is worse
than I could have imagined! 
			  
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219.  Will you let us in? 
			  
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220.  Let us in! 
			  
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221.  We demand to see Bobby Hill! 
			  
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222.  Peggy, protocol. 
			  
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223.  Sir, permission
to see Cadet Hill 
			  
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224.  while keeping a respectful
distance from the grounds. 
			  
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225.  Oh, you're his father. 
			  
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226.  We talked on the phone. 
			  
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227.  You're welcome to come in. 
			  
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228.  I am? 
			  
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229.  Of course, and
so is your lawyer. 
			  
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230.  We have nothing to hide. 
			  
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231.  Your concern for your son 
			  
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232.  is perfectly normal,
but I can assure you 
			  
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233.  Cadet Hill is excelling here. 
			  
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234.  Mom! Dad! 
			  
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235.  Bobby! Honey,
are you okay? 
			  
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236.  Blink if you're not. 
			  
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237.  I'm great, ma'am. 
			  
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238.  Cadet Hill, why don't
you take your parents 
			  
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239.  to Survival Crafts class? 
			  
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240.  I can attend a class
at Fort Berk? 
			  
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241.  Well, I won't let you down,
Bobby. 
			  
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242.  I mean, Cadet Hill. 
			  
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243.  On the battlefield 
			  
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244.  you may find yourself stranded 
			  
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245.  without enough
water to survive 
			  
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246.  but with a sufficient
quantity of mud 
			  
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247.  you will have the ability 
			  
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248.  to create your own bowl,
pot, urn, decanter 
			  
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249.  or beaker to
collect rainwater. 
			  
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250.  Very nice work,
Mr. Hill. 
			  
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251.  We'll make sure to have
that glazed before you go. 
			  
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252.  Did you hear that, Peggy? 
			  
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253.  I'm doing it. 
			  
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254.  I'm Fort Berk material. 
			  
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255.  Where's dinner? 
			  
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256.  It's 3:00, Dad. 
			  
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257.  I can't eat excuses. 
			  
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258.  You heard from Bobby? 
			  
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259.  Yeah, he's, uh, surviving. 
			  
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260.  Surviving? 
			  
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261.  He's got too much
of you and that one 
			  
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262.  to be surviving at Fort Berk. 
			  
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263.  Even I 
			  
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264.  barely survived 
			  
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265.  and I didn't have Gas Monkey
and Sasquatch for parents. 
			  
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266.  I will have you know, Cotton 
			  
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267.  that Bobby is thriving. 
			  
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268.  We went to Fort Berk
yesterday and saw him. 
			  
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269.  What in the name of Ned? 
			  
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270.  They ain't supposed
to let you two on campus. 
			  
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271.  They are required to by law 
			  
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272.  and we sat in on
one of his classes. 
			  
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273.  Hank, show him
the bowl you made. 
			  
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274.  What the? 
			  
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275.  You made a bowl? 
			  
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276.  Well, yeah. 
			  
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277.  It's a combat bowl. 
			  
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278.  Bobby made one, too. 
			  
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279.  Combat bowl? 
			  
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280.  The only bowl
he's supposed to make 
			  
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281.  is from a hollowed-out skull. 
			  
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282.  How you doing in there,
you poor saps? 
			  
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283.  What the? 
			  
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284.  Is that all the respect
you got for me? 
			  
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285.  You go and turn
my childhood home 
			  
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286.  into a giant sissy factory! 
			  
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287.  How's my grandson
supposed to toughen up 
			  
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288.  with you candying his ass? 
			  
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289.  Sir, when I got here
from Antioch College... 
			  
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290.  You're fired! Get out! 
			  
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291.  You can't just fire me. 
			  
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292.  Is that a fact? 
			  
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293.  Okay, Powderpuff 
			  
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294.  I would like you to speak
to Clean Latrine Gene 
			  
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295.  who happens to be the chairman
of your board of trustees. 
			  
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296.  General Gene Jefford? 
			  
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297.  That's right. 
			  
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298.  Uh, h-hello. 
			  
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299.  Yes, sir, yes, sir. 
			  
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300.  Very well, I... 
			  
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301.  Can I keep the
Aeron desk chair? 
			  
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302.  Thank you, sir. 
			  
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303.  Hey, after this 
			  
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304.  let's go to the mess
and get a smoothie. 
			  
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305.  Grandpa? 
			  
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306.  Fall in! 
			  
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307.  The previous commander
was just as soft 
			  
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308.  and ineffective as your parents 
			  
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309.  and your parents are not paying
good money for that. 
			  
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310.  Now, I'm here to make sure
they get their money's worth. 
			  
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311.  With interest. 
			  
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312.  There's going to be changes
around here 
			  
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313.  and ain't none of you
going to like it. 
			  
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314.  Day is night, joy is pain,
love is hate! 
			  
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315.  Good thinking, Private McFainty. 
			  
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316.  Sleep up 
			  
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317.  'cause starting at 0400 hours 
			  
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318.  you don't gets no more. 
			  
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319.  See you at sunrise, weakies. 
			  
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320.  State your business. 
			  
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321.  Grandpa. Gampy. Ging-ging. 
			  
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322.  It's Bobby here. Your Bing-Bing. 
			  
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323.  I ain't your Ging-ging,
and you ain'ts my Bing-bing. 
			  
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324.  And if you think I'm giving you
special treatment, well... 
			  
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325.  you're right on target. 
			  
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326.  Good, because I told
the fellows... 
			  
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327.  Hush, boy! I will "special treat"
you to a double dose of pain! 
			  
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328.  Why? 
			  
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329.  I want you to come out 
			  
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330.  of this cauldron
of burning hell 
			  
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331.  the best damn cadet
you can be. 
			  
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332.  Thanks, but you don't
have to worry about that. 
			  
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333.  All we really want
is the phone service back 
			  
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334.  and the mattresses for our beds. 
			  
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335.  Quiet! 
			  
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336.  Now, your daddy tells me 
			  
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337.  you have a problem
raking leaves. 
			  
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338.  Well, I guarantee 
			  
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339.  you won't have a problem
raking leaves 
			  
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340.  after you've picked up every
leaf on this campus with... 
			  
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341.  a fork! 
			  
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342.  What the hell are
you doing, boy? 
			  
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343.  You gave me a fork,
so I figured I'd eat the leaves. 
			  
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344.  Boy, am I stuffed! 
			  
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345.  Just kidding, Grandpa. 
			  
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346.  Maybe this is my fault 
			  
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347.  for not properly
motivating you. 
			  
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348.  If it's food you want... 
			  
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349.  I could eat. 
			  
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350.  You don't want to rake 
			  
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351.  then maybe you need more energy. 
			  
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352.  This rotten pile of backwash
is all for you, boy. 
			  
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353.  And you're gonna
keep shoveling it down 
			  
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354.  until it starts coming up! 
			  
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355.  Okay. 
			  
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356.  Dinner's over. 
			  
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357.  Now I'm gonna give you
something cold for dessert. 
			  
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358.  Okay. 
			  
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359.  Anything cracks 
			  
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360.  if you freeze it long enough. 
			  
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361.  How you doing, boy? 
			  
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362.  I'm okay. 
			  
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363.  Mom says I'm naturally built
for winter climates. 
			  
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364.  God dang it! 
			  
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365.  You're going into the hole. 
			  
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366.  The hole's what broke me 
			  
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367.  and that's what's
gonna break you, too. 
			  
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368.  Time to say good-bye, soldier. 
			  
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369.  Go and get in your grow-up box! 
			  
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370.  Ging-ging? 
			  
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371.  Quit your
still-standing. 
			  
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372.  Start running
till you hit the horizon. 
			  
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373.  See, Forky? 
			  
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374.  I just knew
there was a better world 
			  
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375.  outside the cutlery drawer. 
			  
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376.  I wonder what
Bobby's doing now? 
			  
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377.  Probably having a bull
session in the barracks 
			  
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378.  with his new pals. 
			  
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379.  Bobby? Bobby, are you okay? 
			  
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380.  Tap once if you're okay. 
			  
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381.  Oh, hey, Didi. 
			  
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382.  I've got the new TV Guide here 
			  
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383.  with all the judge shows
circled like my dad likes. 
			  
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384.  Is he around? 
			  
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385.  No. Cotton's
at Fort Berk. 
			  
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386.  What? He has temporarily
taken over the Academy. 
			  
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387.  Oh, my God, no. 
			  
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388.  Yes. He is ruling
with an iron fist. 
			  
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389.  He threw Bobby in the hole about
three days ago. 
			  
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390.  Bwaaagh! 
			  
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391.  He ain't gonna be
a pretty sight, boys. 
			  
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392.  Humpty Dumpty's done cracked 
			  
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393.  but now we can put him
back together 
			  
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394.  and rebuild him
as a super-cadet. 
			  
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395.  Dad, are you crazy? Let him out. 
			  
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396.  I was just fixing to. 
			  
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397.  Bobby? Bobby? 
			  
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398.  Give him some air. 
			  
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399.  Bobby? 
			  
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400.  Hmm? 
			  
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401.  Hmm? 
			  
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402.  Uh... oh. 
			  
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403.  Hey, Dad. 
			  
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404.  Ooh. 
			  
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405.  Well, I've tried a mattress,
I've tried cement... 
			  
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406.  I'm a mattress guy. 
			  
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407.  Bobby, you're okay? 
			  
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408.  Same 'ol, same 'ol. 
			  
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409.  I was merciless! 
			  
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410.  I dropped down on him 
			  
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411.  like a steam trunk
full of concrete! 
			  
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412.  You didn't budge him 
			  
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413.  did you? 
			  
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414.  I... I don't get it.
What's so funny? 
			  
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415.  I told you itwasn't easy. 
			  
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416.  You didn't believe me,
did you, Dad? 
			  
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417.  I guess he was
just born a pile of mush. 
			  
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418.  Well, I guess
you could say that. 
			  
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419.  But maybe mush isn't all bad. 
			  
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420.  You can keep stomping on it 
			  
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421.  but it's all give;
it just stays mush. 
			  
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422.  You can't build it up 
			  
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423.  but you can't break it down,
either. 
			  
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424.  In a funny way,
mush kind of has the edge. 
			  
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425.  Can you imagine that pile
of mush in the POW camps? 
			  
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426.  He would've driven
them Tojos crazy. 
			  
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427.  Three days with Bobby 
			  
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428.  and they would've
quit the war! 
			  
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429.  I wish you could've seen
the old Fort Berk, Hank. 
			  
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430.  But I guess
those days is gone. 
			  
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431.  You know, Colonel, all this time
I've been talking to you 
			  
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432.  you didn't grant me
permission to speak. 
			  
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433.  That's right. 
			  
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434.  That's practically
insubordination. 
			  
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435.  You better drop
and give me 20, boy. 
			  
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436.  Yes, sir. 
			  
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437.  Two, three, four. 
			  
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438.  No, no, you're doing it
wrong, Cadet! 
			  
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439.  Start over! 
			  
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440.  How'd you do it, Bobby? 
			  
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441.  How'd you survive the hole? 
			  
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442.  Well, I admit, I started
getting a little worried. 
			  
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443.  But then I found some
inspirational graffiti 
			  
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444.  on the wall
and it kept me going. 
			  
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445.  Ripped By mstoll 
			  
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446.  What the? You
made a bowl. 
			  
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