1. This is just the right pace.Copy !req
2. Especially
after our last outing.Copy !req
3. Two Pina Coladas in MinhCopy !req
4. and she starts talking
about stealing a car.Copy !req
5. Dark rum make me crazy.Copy !req
6. What did she say?Copy !req
7. She think your feet lovelyCopy !req
8. and it an honor
to work on them.Copy !req
9. Now where in the heck
did I park my... this way.Copy !req
10. My memory trick
is usually fail-safe.Copy !req
11. When we got out of the carCopy !req
12. I associated the parking section
with William Shakespeare.Copy !req
13. So, naturally, the car
should be parked in "2B,"Copy !req
14. unless I was thinking
of "not 2B."Copy !req
15. Will you look
at those delinquents,Copy !req
16. horsing around
with those shopping carts?Copy !req
17. I bet they're...Copy !req
18. Oh, my God, it's Bobby.Copy !req
19. Oh, man.Copy !req
20. Bobby?
Joseph.Copy !req
21. This is what you are doing
in your after-school program?Copy !req
22. Program was shut down, dude...
budget cuts.Copy !req
23. So we're playing
shopping cart chicken.Copy !req
24. Hey, we can get them to push us.Copy !req
25. No after-school program?Copy !req
26. Now who Connie gonna tutor?Copy !req
27. Bums in rail yard?Copy !req
28. This is ridiculous.Copy !req
29. Our kids should be enriching
their minds,Copy !req
30. not using a parking lot
as a playground.Copy !req
31. Something has got to be done.Copy !req
32. The people who canceled
that after-school programCopy !req
33. are going to wish
we never found our car.Copy !req
34. Where is that frickin' thing?Copy !req
35. We have a real issue here.Copy !req
36. That after-school program
is important.Copy !req
37. Absolutely.Copy !req
38. Our kids get out of schoolCopy !req
39. in the middle of the day
when they airCopy !req
40. all those sex and drug-filled
after-school specials.Copy !req
41. Oh, Peggy, let's take this
to the school board tomorrow.Copy !req
42. They're not going
to know what hit 'em!Copy !req
43. Well, I got to tell you,Copy !req
44. your initiative is
really impressing me.Copy !req
45. And not just
because you're ladies.Copy !req
46. Okay, girls, hands
in the middle, let's go.Copy !req
47. "For the children," on three.Copy !req
48. Ready?Copy !req
49. One, two, three...Copy !req
50. For the children!Copy !req
51. For me!Copy !req
52. Oh, I bet this must be very
exciting for you, Minh.Copy !req
53. Where you're from,
you probablyCopy !req
54. didn't have the freedom
to criticize your government.Copy !req
55. Why would I criticize
government in Laos?Copy !req
56. My father was general.Copy !req
57. I do what I want.Copy !req
58. I was peasant's
worst nightmare.Copy !req
59. Thank you, Mrs. Chapman.Copy !req
60. Your request to ban
sections "F" and "S"Copy !req
61. from the library dictionary
has been noted.Copy !req
62. Okay, everybody have
their talking points?Copy !req
63. Yeah.Copy !req
64. Oh, one little thing though,
Peggy Hill.Copy !req
65. Keep it short.Copy !req
66. Sometimes you go on
and on and on.Copy !req
67. I find it charming, but you
might lose other people.Copy !req
68. Good advice.Copy !req
69. And you probably should not
call anyone "hillbilly."Copy !req
70. Or redneck.Copy !req
71. Or dumb monkey.Copy !req
72. Check.Copy !req
73. Well, I guess that does it
for tonight's meeting.Copy !req
74. Nice work.Copy !req
75. Excuse me.Copy !req
76. Peggy Hill and the coalitionCopy !req
77. to save the after-school program
at Tom Landry.Copy !req
78. Sorry, Mrs. Hill, but these
meetings last from 6:00 to 8:00Copy !req
79. and it is now...Copy !req
80. 8:00.Copy !req
81. Oh, great.Copy !req
82. Now, Connie gonna end up
smashing cartsCopy !req
83. like brain-dead delinquents.Copy !req
84. No offense.Copy !req
85. None taken.Copy !req
86. I wasn't even listening.Copy !req
87. Now, here's the game plan.Copy !req
88. We take things
to the next level.Copy !req
89. New T-shirts?Copy !req
90. No.Copy !req
91. Sweatshirts?Copy !req
92. Not yet.Copy !req
93. What we have to do is get
on the school board.Copy !req
94. There is a seat open
and an election coming up.Copy !req
95. Do you really think
we can win an election?Copy !req
96. I know we can.Copy !req
97. You know, the turnoutCopy !req
98. in these things
is always very low.Copy !req
99. The secret is to find a group
of voters that feels overlooked.Copy !req
100. Then look at them.Copy !req
101. And I can get votes
from Laotian community.Copy !req
102. I give $5.00 tip
on French manicure.Copy !req
103. I'm the Lady Di.Copy !req
104. Well, I warned the folks
over at Shady Pines Trailer ParkCopy !req
105. about that tornado.Copy !req
106. They were so grateful they're
still naming dogs after me.Copy !req
107. Great.Copy !req
108. We've got pockets of votes
in the Laotian communityCopy !req
109. and in the trailer parks.Copy !req
110. Then I score county-wide with
my two-year teaching degree.Copy !req
111. I wonder which one
of us should run.Copy !req
112. I mean, Peggy's a ball of fireCopy !req
113. and Minh, she's
smart as a whip.Copy !req
114. Either way, our kids
are in such good hands.Copy !req
115. 198, 199...Copy !req
116. Hey, these are supposed to be
200-thread count sheets.Copy !req
117. Damn Egyptians.Copy !req
118. But, Minh, three women
can't fill one position.Copy !req
119. This school board seat,
not Boomhauer's hottub.Copy !req
120. Well, when you think about it,
I'm most logical choice.Copy !req
121. My daughter a proven genius,Copy !req
122. plus my perfectly
symmetrical faceCopy !req
123. is pleasing to voters
and inspires trust.Copy !req
124. And it sure would be nice to
finally get a Laotian in power.Copy !req
125. We got to eat
their fish on Friday,Copy !req
126. they gonna eat our rice
noodles on Wednesday...Copy !req
127. for breakfast.Copy !req
128. You've got the most
school-related experience,Copy !req
129. the best interpersonal skillsCopy !req
130. and a smile
that lights up a room.Copy !req
131. Yep, Peggy, I got to say, I
agree with all your reasonsCopy !req
132. why you should be the one
to run for school board.Copy !req
133. Well, thank you, Hank,Copy !req
134. but let's not lose sight
of why I'm doing this.Copy !req
135. It's for the children.Copy !req
136. Now, I'm not saying
Minh hates children,Copy !req
137. but I really love children.Copy !req
138. They are three out of the five
points in my five-point plan.Copy !req
139. I haven't quite figured
out the other two yet.Copy !req
140. I'm thinking something
about America.Copy !req
141. Wow, dynamite.Copy !req
142. Even though Dale
says Principal MossCopy !req
143. may try to assassinate usCopy !req
144. I think this is going
to be nothing but fun.Copy !req
145. I can't wait to get started.Copy !req
146. I have so many ideas,
I couldn't sleep all night.Copy !req
147. So I make pecan sandies.Copy !req
148. I appreciate your enthusiasm.Copy !req
149. Now, it's obvious who
our candidate should be,Copy !req
150. but it would be presumptuous of
me to do the nominating, so...Copy !req
151. I'm not sure
how obvious it is.Copy !req
152. Oh, you mean me?Copy !req
153. Well, I'm not sure
I'm the person for the job.Copy !req
154. Well, somebody got
to do it for the childrenCopy !req
155. and if no one else
wants to run...Copy !req
156. No one?Copy !req
157. Five points!Copy !req
158. All in favor of me?Copy !req
159. Well...Copy !req
160. Thank you, Peggy.
Nancy?Copy !req
161. Well, since Peggy's
okay with it.Copy !req
162. Okay then, done deal.Copy !req
163. Oh.Copy !req
164. Hold on.Copy !req
165. Not that I want the job
or anything, but...Copy !req
166. Then don't sweat it.Copy !req
167. Oh, and I wouldn't
drink from there.Copy !req
168. Doggy has a cold.Copy !req
169. And I can't helpCopy !req
170. but think that Minh
did it on purpose.Copy !req
171. Those pecan sandies
were astonishingly dry.Copy !req
172. Come on, Peggy,
they're not shy people.Copy !req
173. If Minh wanted to choke you,Copy !req
174. she would have just reached over
and done it with her hands.Copy !req
175. I will give her that.Copy !req
176. You know, Peggy, you could still
be the power behind the scenes.Copy !req
177. Just like that little fellow
in the Wizard of Oz.Copy !req
178. Yeah, yeah.
You're right.Copy !req
179. And maybe next election,
I can run another candidate.Copy !req
180. Then another.Copy !req
181. Before you know it,Copy !req
182. I'll be running the entire city
from my bathtub.Copy !req
183. Mrs. Soup
and Mrs. GribbleCopy !req
184. are waiting
in the living room.Copy !req
185. Here's breakfast.Copy !req
186. And I typed up the monologues
from Leno and Letterman.Copy !req
187. Good work.Copy !req
188. Now, I need you to highlight
last weeks DoonesburysCopy !req
189. and tell me why they're funny.Copy !req
190. Peggy, are we out of butter?Copy !req
191. It's behind the cottage cheese.Copy !req
192. Behind the cottage cheese.Copy !req
193. Okay, people, I'm glad
to see you're all here.Copy !req
194. Now, let's...Copy !req
195. War room.Copy !req
196. Uh-huh. Uh-huh.Copy !req
197. Thank you.Copy !req
198. That was Bobby.Copy !req
199. He was testing the line.Copy !req
200. It works.Copy !req
201. Okay, first off, we're going
to need to make some signs.Copy !req
202. Oh, we're just about
done making signs, sug.Copy !req
203. "Minh to win."Copy !req
204. I don't get it.Copy !req
205. What not to get?Copy !req
206. I'm Minh.
I want to win.Copy !req
207. Hmm. Maybe we should
focus group that.Copy !req
208. Nope, no go.Copy !req
209. Women 18 to 45
will be turned off.Copy !req
210. Here's what we're going to do.Copy !req
211. You know what would be
a big help, Peggy Hill?Copy !req
212. Starbucks run.Copy !req
213. Oh, I'll have a Frappuccino.Copy !req
214. Bag of madeleines.Copy !req
215. I'm all for Minh
running for office,Copy !req
216. but she better not
take my guns away.Copy !req
217. She's running
for the school board.Copy !req
218. Then she better not take
Joseph's guns away.Copy !req
219. Well, I'm not crazy
about making holes in my lawnCopy !req
220. but I guess it's
for the children.Copy !req
221. You know, my lawn
is already dead,Copy !req
222. maybe we could put
all the signs there.Copy !req
223. No offense, Bill, but this
campaign is about hope.Copy !req
224. Oh. Right.Copy !req
225. I'm not saying you have to use
the moment of silence to pray.Copy !req
226. The kids who don't believe
in God can just sit quietlyCopy !req
227. and smirk about how they've
got it all figured out.Copy !req
228. Thank you, Mrs. Chapman.Copy !req
229. The next question is for Minh...Copy !req
230. Sou-vnifnin-phone.Copy !req
231. Hello, everybody.Copy !req
232. And to my Laotian friends,
sabaai-dii.Copy !req
233. Yeah, you been talkingCopy !req
234. about keeping
the after-school program going.Copy !req
235. I think I hear the sound
of my property taxes going up.Copy !req
236. And you fat cats with
your pie-in-the-sky programsCopy !req
237. and your free
prescription drugs.Copy !req
238. No, no, no.Copy !req
239. That's not me.Copy !req
240. I do not want to increase taxes.Copy !req
241. Yeah, sure, you'd love it.Copy !req
242. No, no.Copy !req
243. You not listening, Jethro.Copy !req
244. Oh, this is ugly.Copy !req
245. Someone has to stop
the bleeding.Copy !req
246. What my candidate
is trying to sayCopy !req
247. is that we will cut the fat
and leave the muscle.Copy !req
248. I know what I'm trying to say.Copy !req
249. It's what I just say.Copy !req
250. Please bear with my candidate.Copy !req
251. Obviously, English is
not her first language.Copy !req
252. But how about a hand
for her courage?Copy !req
253. Oh, you crazy?Copy !req
254. Get out of here.Copy !req
255. The thing to remember, people,Copy !req
256. is that you are not going
to have to tighten your beltsCopy !req
257. because we are going
to fix the pants!Copy !req
258. Give me that.Copy !req
259. You need me.Copy !req
260. Fix the pants!Copy !req
261. Uh, can I ask the candidate
a question?Copy !req
262. What are you going to do
to raise educational standards?Copy !req
263. Without raising taxes.Copy !req
264. Fat cats!Copy !req
265. Let's see how you
handle this one.Copy !req
266. We all concerned about
educational standardsCopy !req
267. and I tell you where the
problem is... the teachers.Copy !req
268. Did you know our school systemCopy !req
269. require only two-year degreeCopy !req
270. to be substitute teacher?Copy !req
271. Is that true?Copy !req
272. So you want to knowCopy !req
273. how I raise standards
without raising taxes?Copy !req
274. I tell you after I
look into your heartsCopy !req
275. and you look into mine.Copy !req
276. No teacher, full-time
or substituteCopy !req
277. can teach our kidsCopy !req
278. without having
a four-year college degree.Copy !req
279. That's exactly what I
needed to hear today.Copy !req
280. Wait.
I only have a two-year degree.Copy !req
281. Pants!Copy !req
282. Children!Copy !req
283. America!Copy !req
284. She's taking teaching
away from me.Copy !req
285. That's my life.Copy !req
286. How dare she?Copy !req
287. I groomed her,
I taught her everythingCopy !req
288. and she has the nerve
to stab me in the back.Copy !req
289. That is just not done
in politics, Hank.Copy !req
290. There's no way I'm going
back to college.Copy !req
291. I'm a teacher.Copy !req
292. I'm done learning.Copy !req
293. Can you believe that woman?Copy !req
294. I'm real sorry
what happened to you, sug,Copy !req
295. but the important thingCopy !req
296. is to keep the after-school
program alive, right?Copy !req
297. The what?Copy !req
298. Oh, yeah, of course.Copy !req
299. For the children, but can we
really trust Minh to deliver?Copy !req
300. I mean, come on,
this is a woman who makesCopy !req
301. dumb blonde jokes
behind your back.Copy !req
302. Minh makes dumb blonde jokes
behind my back?Copy !req
303. Hey, don't drag me into
your little cat fight.Copy !req
304. I just came over to save
the after-school program.Copy !req
305. Oh, that witch!Copy !req
306. Here's what I'm thinking:Copy !req
307. We dig up some dirt on Minh,Copy !req
308. and you do an exposé
on the local news.Copy !req
309. Then, after her support
is totally gone,Copy !req
310. I jump into the raceCopy !req
311. And give that freakin' dog
the beating of her life!Copy !req
312. Well, I don't know.Copy !req
313. That kind of reporting
isn't really my arena.Copy !req
314. Nancy, how much
longer do you thinkCopy !req
315. you can milk this sexy
"weather girl" act?Copy !req
316. Two, three...
two years tops?Copy !req
317. This is your chance
to be taken seriously.Copy !req
318. Get on the airCopy !req
319. and deliver the biggest news flash
of your career...Copy !req
320. "Peggy Hill is running
for school board!"Copy !req
321. Well, I do want
to be taken seriously,Copy !req
322. and I have some ideas...Copy !req
323. Oh, honey, I'm sure you do.Copy !req
324. It's just that no one
ever listens to me...Copy !req
325. Okay, okay. We have to
think constructivelyCopy !req
326. and get emotional about this.Copy !req
327. Now, how do we destroy Minh?Copy !req
328. Oh, there she is.Copy !req
329. Smile and wave.Copy !req
330. Smile and wave.Copy !req
331. I bury you.Copy !req
332. What are they saying, Dale?Copy !req
333. Kahn is asking Minh
to pass the potatoes.Copy !req
334. Oh, come on!Copy !req
335. I need something
juicier than that!Copy !req
336. I tried to slip
in their house as a paperboy,Copy !req
337. but Mr. Souphanousinphone
recognized me.Copy !req
338. But I grabbed their garbage.Copy !req
339. Huh. Look who's too good
to hang onto a Sizzler coupon.Copy !req
340. What do we have here?Copy !req
341. Come to Mama.Copy !req
342. And that cold frontCopy !req
343. looks like
it wants to stay putCopy !req
344. right through the weekend.Copy !req
345. So while there might be
a "spring" in your step,Copy !req
346. there's none in the forecast.Copy !req
347. Muy bien, Nancy.Copy !req
348. Just how much fun
is a barrel of monkeys?Copy !req
349. Well, two radio DJs...Copy !req
350. And Miguel, here's some adviceCopy !req
351. on the upcoming
school board election.Copy !req
352. I'd think again if
you're planningCopy !req
353. on voting for Minh
Souphanousinphone.Copy !req
354. I don't think these areCopy !req
355. the kinds
of pay-per-view programsCopy !req
356. thata friend of the children
should be watching.Copy !req
357. I told you, Minh, but no!Copy !req
358. You just had to see
"Hobos Boxing."Copy !req
359. no grasp on finances.
Oh, yeah!Copy !req
360. Fortunately,
there is an alternative.Copy !req
361. I know someone who'd
be perfect for the job.Copy !req
362. She's a dedicated parent,
she's smart,Copy !req
363. and she's more than
just a pretty face.Copy !req
364. She's me!Copy !req
365. Nancy Hicks-Gribble!
Pick Hicks!Copy !req
366. What?Copy !req
367. And if elected...Copy !req
368. Oh, well.Copy !req
369. to turn
Arlen's schools into...Copy !req
370. Wait! I'm running, too!Copy !req
371. Peggy Hill for school board!Copy !req
372. These are my people!Copy !req
373. They want to hear me speak!
Arlen!Copy !req
374. Peggy, do I have these
in the right order?Copy !req
375. You better.Copy !req
376. Here comes someone.Copy !req
377. Big smiles!Copy !req
378. Oh, it's only Kahn.Copy !req
379. Ow, ow, ow!Copy !req
380. Go to hell.Copy !req
381. Phase two complete!Copy !req
382. Van rented,
ready to pick up constituentsCopy !req
383. and sweep election!Copy !req
384. Phase three... ha.
A victory dance!Copy !req
385. You rent minivan?Copy !req
386. What you thinking?Copy !req
387. Minivan seats seven people.Copy !req
388. I need 15 to swing election.Copy !req
389. How much Peggy Hill
paying you to be jackass?Copy !req
390. Something's wrong
with the bug.Copy !req
391. I can't hear a thing,
but I see they have a new van.Copy !req
392. I bet they're using it
to bus their constituentsCopy !req
393. to the polling place!Copy !req
394. Well, we'll out van them,Copy !req
395. but we'll keep ours
in the garage.Copy !req
396. They'll never see it coming.Copy !req
397. Idiots!Copy !req
398. Why isn't this working?Copy !req
399. I rewired it myself.Copy !req
400. You better
get out of here, Gribble!Copy !req
401. I am this close
to kicking your ass!Copy !req
402. No one threatens me.Copy !req
403. I am this close to kicking
your ass!Copy !req
404. Oh, yeah?Copy !req
405. Well, now I'm this close
to kicking your ass!Copy !req
406. Let's settle this like men.Copy !req
407. Hank, whose fingers
are closer?Copy !req
408. Whoa, whoa.Copy !req
409. Just because our wives
are at each other's throatsCopy !req
410. doesn't mean we have to be.Copy !req
411. Oh, easy for you to say.Copy !req
412. Your wife a loser.Copy !req
413. Now, now, Kahn,Copy !req
414. maybe Hank's right.Copy !req
415. I say we let bygones be...Copy !req
416. Sneak attack! I win!Copy !req
417. I'm so hungry and tired
I messed up the last 50 buttons.Copy !req
418. Bobby's out, Hank's in.Copy !req
419. Fine. When are we
having dinner?Copy !req
420. It's 9:15.Copy !req
421. Fine. Here's $10. Go.Copy !req
422. All right, Joseph, easy.Copy !req
423. Easy.Copy !req
424. Joseph, stop! The sign!Copy !req
425. So, they have a van.Copy !req
426. Okay, Hank,
Minh has her support here.Copy !req
427. I'll concede Little Laos to her.Copy !req
428. Nancy's support is...Copy !req
429. well, she's been blatheringCopy !req
430. about all the dogs
named after herCopy !req
431. in this trailer park.Copy !req
432. Which leaves...Copy !req
433. all of this... for me.Copy !req
434. HankCopy !req
435. we're going to need a bus.Copy !req
436. We're not spending
money to rent a bus.Copy !req
437. It's for the freakin' children!Copy !req
438. Hank, the phone poll numbers
are not good.Copy !req
439. The projections show Nancy
with four votes,Copy !req
440. Minh also with four votes,
and Peggy Hill... zero.Copy !req
441. Now, I can increase my margin
of error to five votes,Copy !req
442. but even then, I am just winning
by the skin of my teeth.Copy !req
443. Well, when people see
that flyer you putCopy !req
444. in the Penny Saver...Copy !req
445. That doesn't come out
until after election day!Copy !req
446. Now, I need
to motivate my base...Copy !req
447. the hard-core constituents
who would fight and die for me.Copy !req
448. Hank, you have
to make me a base!Copy !req
449. Call your customers!Copy !req
450. Uh, I don't really
think I should mixCopy !req
451. politics and propane.Copy !req
452. People's passions
run pretty highCopy !req
453. about both of those.Copy !req
454. Hank, I cannot allow myself
to be beaten by Nancy or Minh!Copy !req
455. I could never show my face
in this neighborhood again!Copy !req
456. I know, but with your
numbers being zero and all,Copy !req
457. maybe you should just prepareCopy !req
458. a concession speech.Copy !req
459. What?Copy !req
460. You want me to concede
to those two?Copy !req
461. Hank, you're out!Copy !req
462. Peggy, you're in!Copy !req
463. I'm no weather bimbo, but
forecast looking cloudyCopy !req
464. for you to win!Copy !req
465. Just because I'm beautiful
doesn't mean I'm harmless, sug.Copy !req
466. Have you ever wondered
what happenedCopy !req
467. to the weather caster
before me?Copy !req
468. Hey, there, friend.Copy !req
469. Ah! Oh, uh, I'm here
for the voters.Copy !req
470. Votin' truck already
done come and took 'em.Copy !req
471. But... but I'm the one
who was supposed to have doneCopy !req
472. come and took 'em.Copy !req
473. Hang on there, mister.Copy !req
474. I want to talk to you
about that fancy hatCopy !req
475. you got on your head there.Copy !req
476. Uh, but I don't want to talk
about my fancy hat.Copy !req
477. Son-of-a-bitch!Copy !req
478. Hello, election bus here!Copy !req
479. Somebody!Copy !req
480. Down, Nancy.Copy !req
481. Hey, driver, when are we
getting to the polls?Copy !req
482. Never.Copy !req
483. I cannot believe we lostCopy !req
484. to that Chapman looney.Copy !req
485. Yeah, not only that,Copy !req
486. it say there she's getting ridCopy !req
487. of after-school program.Copy !req
488. And biology and all
"offensive" encyclopedias,Copy !req
489. whatever that means.Copy !req
490. I guess we kind of
burnt the toast on this one.Copy !req
491. Hey, she only got 18 votes.Copy !req
492. I hijacked twice as many of
your voters on my bus yesterday.Copy !req
493. We could have crushed her!Copy !req
494. Yeah, into fine powder.Copy !req
495. Ow, my eye!Copy !req
496. Cool!Copy !req
497. Maybe we should
spend some timeCopy !req
498. with the kids today.Copy !req
499. We could be
their after-school program.Copy !req
500. Maybe we take them to...Copy !req
501. A museum.Copy !req
502. Or the zoo.Copy !req
503. Which is a museum of animals.Copy !req
504. It's for the freakin' children!
Ripped By mstollCopy !req