1. Hey, Boomhauer. How was Houston?Copy !req
2. Do anything, uh, interesting?Copy !req
3. Nah, you know, man, stuff, you know.Copy !req
4. Usual ol' meetings, you know, and stuff
with conferences,Copy !req
5. - stuff like, you know, uh, dang ol'…
- Liar.Copy !req
6. Show him, Hank.Copy !req
7. An official Houston Texans bobblehead.Copy !req
8. If you're gonna sneak around behind
the Dallas Cowboys' backs,Copy !req
9. you better not ask a Cowboy fan
to get your mail.Copy !req
10. You went to their training camp,
didn't you?Copy !req
11. You make me sick.Copy !req
12. Dang it, Boomhauer.Copy !req
13. Just because the Cowboys
have a bad season or two, or five,Copy !req
14. doesn't give you the right
to abandon them, right, guys?Copy !req
15. Although I guessCopy !req
16. if we root for the Texans,Copy !req
17. it doesn't mean we'd have to stop rooting
for the Cowboys.Copy !req
18. Well, they are in different conferencesCopy !req
19. so it would only be a problem
if they played in the Super Bowl.Copy !req
20. An all-Texas Super Bowl.Copy !req
21. His will be done.Copy !req
22. Peggy, where's that list of ATMs
in Houston?Copy !req
23. Me and the guys are going to watch
the Texans training camp this weekend.Copy !req
24. This weekend?Copy !req
25. Hank, we have reservations
at That's Amore Saturday night.Copy !req
26. I, I told you about this.Copy !req
27. I booked the table in the kitchen.Copy !req
28. The chef's table?Copy !req
29. You got in?Copy !req
30. Oh, yeah, I sort of remember you
mentioning that.Copy !req
31. Hank, it took me two months
to get that table.Copy !req
32. I promoted an illiterate student
to the ninth gradeCopy !req
33. just because his father
delivers meat to That's Amore.Copy !req
34. Sure, let's have dinner
in a restaurant's kitchen.Copy !req
35. Maybe we can have dessert in the restroom.Copy !req
36. All right, Hank,
you are not understanding me.Copy !req
37. When I make plans, I check with you first,Copy !req
38. but you, you just go offCopy !req
39. and make whatever plans you want
without even consulting me.Copy !req
40. Fine, I'll consult you on everything.Copy !req
41. Peggy, I'm gonna go get a glass of water.Copy !req
42. Oh, wait, Peggy, I'm walking
to the refrigerator first.Copy !req
43. Maybe I should just take Bobby.Copy !req
44. Bobby, I'm not taking you.Copy !req
45. I was just trying
to get back at your father.Copy !req
46. Oh.Copy !req
47. Uh, Peggy, I've been thinking
about what you were sayingCopy !req
48. and I realized you were
right to be mad at me,Copy !req
49. and I want to make it up to you,Copy !req
50. so, uhCopy !req
51. Guess who's coming to Houston with us?Copy !req
52. And don't worry,
I cleared it with the guys.Copy !req
53. You're riding shotgun,Copy !req
54. and we don't have to share a room
with Bill.Copy !req
55. Oh, so, you've decided
I am going to Houston this weekend,Copy !req
56. and what team I'm going to root for.Copy !req
57. Have you written a cheer for me too, Hank?Copy !req
58. Uh… no.Copy !req
59. I cannot believe you.Copy !req
60. I am not one of your propane tanks
you can just order aroundCopy !req
61. who will obey your every whim.Copy !req
62. Bobby, it's your lucky day.Copy !req
63. Your father has a new shirt for you.Copy !req
64. - Really?
- No.Copy !req
65. Peggy won't let me go to Houston.Copy !req
66. Are you two having problems?Copy !req
67. Irreconcilable differences, maybe?Copy !req
68. As the only happily married man out here,Copy !req
69. may I suggest marriage counseling
with Dr. Tim Rast?Copy !req
70. "Tim Rast will make your marriage last."Copy !req
71. I came up with that slogan
during one of our sessionsCopy !req
72. while Nancy was jabbering about something.Copy !req
73. You're going to couples therapy?Copy !req
74. Dang it, Dale, how could you?Copy !req
75. Oh, he's great, Hank. A real man's man.Copy !req
76. No matter what, he always takes my side.Copy !req
77. He knows who signs
Nancy's name on his checks.Copy !req
78. Huh. So, all I have to do is show upCopy !req
79. and he'll tell Peggy
I'm right and she's wrong?Copy !req
80. Y'uh-huh.Copy !req
81. Even when I say something
I know is crazy, he nods.Copy !req
82. Huh. Well, I guess
as long as he's just thereCopy !req
83. to tell Peggy she's wrong,
I can't see the harm.Copy !req
84. Uh, Peggy, I don't really know
how to say this,Copy !req
85. and yet there's no greeting card
for it, either.Copy !req
86. What?Copy !req
87. Well, uh, I think we should seeCopy !req
88. a professionalCopy !req
89. r-relationship person.Copy !req
90. What?Copy !req
91. You mean a marriage counselor?Copy !req
92. Like the one Dale and Nancy use.Copy !req
93. Dr. Tim Rast. Yes, him.Copy !req
94. Please, Peggy.Copy !req
95. I just need somewhere safe to go
and, uhCopy !req
96. let it all hang out.Copy !req
97. Oh, Hank, don't worry,
I'll handle everything.Copy !req
98. I'll call tomorrow to make an appointment.Copy !req
99. I already did. Friday at 4:30.Copy !req
100. Huh. So, you made an appointment
without consulting me.Copy !req
101. Well, at least we know
the first thing we'll discuss.Copy !req
102. Even his elbowsCopy !req
103. are nicotine-stained,Copy !req
104. he refuses to acknowledge he's bald,Copy !req
105. and he sobs uncontrollably after sex.Copy !req
106. Well, crying can be a healthy release.Copy !req
107. Thank you, Doctor.Copy !req
108. Say, it's that time again.Copy !req
109. But before you go,Copy !req
110. I want to draw something
for y'all to take home.Copy !req
111. This here's a treasure map.Copy !req
112. Ah…Copy !req
113. Every time you catch yourself thinkingCopy !req
114. the key to happiness
is out there somewhere, Nancy,Copy !req
115. I want you to look at this map,Copy !req
116. because it'll lead you to a treasureCopy !req
117. that will bring the both of youCopy !req
118. untold riches for the rest of your lives.Copy !req
119. Gimme.Copy !req
120. Ah.Copy !req
121. Huh?Copy !req
122. Dr. Rast really is very good.Copy !req
123. Now, I have solved
the family's emotional crises up to now,Copy !req
124. so, I hope you do not mind
if I take my own notes.Copy !req
125. Mm-hmm.Copy !req
126. Mm-hmm-hmm.Copy !req
127. So, here's the deal, Coach.Copy !req
128. She wants to go to a restaurant
and eat in the kitchen.Copy !req
129. I know, I don't get it, either.Copy !req
130. And I want to go see the Texans train.Copy !req
131. I look forward to your ruling.Copy !req
132. This is not just about going
to see the Texans.Copy !req
133. It is about the Chinese cooking class
we never took,Copy !req
134. the matching outfits we never wore.Copy !req
135. Do you realize we have no scented soaps
anywhere in the house?Copy !req
136. Hank is always acting like the boss.Copy !req
137. He won't even let me pay the phone billCopy !req
138. because he doesn't like
the way I make sevens.Copy !req
139. Hank, I want you to go see the Texans,Copy !req
140. and forget all about Peggy.Copy !req
141. See? Sounds pretty dang selfish
when you hear it out loud.Copy !req
142. Okay, let's do Magic Wand.Copy !req
143. What's going on here?Copy !req
144. It's a relationship game, Hank.Copy !req
145. I got it from Goldie Hawn's life coach
at a conference in Reno.Copy !req
146. Oh, God, I've been misinformed.Copy !req
147. I need to get out of here.Copy !req
148. Sit down, Hank. This was your idea.Copy !req
149. I think you'll like Magic Wand, Hank.Copy !req
150. Let's play.Copy !req
151. Now, you have a magic wand.Copy !req
152. What's one thing you would like to change
about your partner?Copy !req
153. Well, call me crazy,Copy !req
154. but I wouldn't change anything.Copy !req
155. Well, that's not the right answer.Copy !req
156. Give me the wand, I'll do it right.Copy !req
157. Sounds like you two
have an issue with control.Copy !req
158. What I like to do is something
I call Time Machine Therapy,Copy !req
159. or TMT.Copy !req
160. I am gonna kill Dale.Copy !req
161. What I want you two to do
is picture yourselves in the future.Copy !req
162. You two are retired, no work, no kids.Copy !req
163. Quick, where do you picture yourself?Copy !req
164. We already have that figured out.Copy !req
165. We're gonna buy his and hers motorcycles
and see America, excluding California.Copy !req
166. Mm-hmm. Tell me more.Copy !req
167. What more is there?Copy !req
168. Freedom of the open road, and such.Copy !req
169. All the maintenancea guy could ask for.Copy !req
170. Collecting spoons
from every state capitol.Copy !req
171. Meeting colorful charactersCopy !req
172. like truck stop waitresses
and corrupt local sheriffs.Copy !req
173. We have set up a direct deposit
savings account,Copy !req
174. and are just over halfway to our goal.Copy !req
175. More, if our son Bobby
doesn't go to college.Copy !req
176. I'm gonna write you two a prescriptionCopy !req
177. I think is gonna help you
with your problem.Copy !req
178. One motorcycle?Copy !req
179. Doctor, if you'll check your notes,
we only have half the money saved.Copy !req
180. Mm-hmm. Here it is right here.Copy !req
181. But half the money
will still buy you one motorcycle,Copy !req
182. and that would give you
something to share togetherCopy !req
183. as equal partners.Copy !req
184. 'Course, if you don't want a motorcycle,Copy !req
185. there's other things
you could spend that money on.Copy !req
186. Like more counseling.Copy !req
187. Is that us?Copy !req
188. It is now.Copy !req
189. Hit it, Daddy.Copy !req
190. I can't believe you guys
bought a motorcycle.Copy !req
191. Evel Knievel had a Harley and a cape
and a jeweled walking stick.Copy !req
192. It was a cane, and it was
because he had a crushed pelvis.Copy !req
193. And a cape.Copy !req
194. Mm. I'm having trouble
making this outCopy !req
195. through my own spit.Copy !req
196. What kind of idiot uses 'delible ink
to draw a treasure map?Copy !req
197. This looks about right.Copy !req
198. Start digging, Bill.Copy !req
199. Can I take the blindfold off?Copy !req
200. I don't want any of your treasure.Copy !req
201. I just enjoy the time we spend together.Copy !req
202. Me, too.Copy !req
203. That's why I didn't gag you.Copy !req
204. No, Bill.Copy !req
205. I promise I'll wipe my head first.Copy !req
206. No.Copy !req
207. We ride in five, Big H.Copy !req
208. I just have to leather up.Copy !req
209. Boy, we made the right move,
I tell you what.Copy !req
210. We didn't need therapy.
We needed a motorcycle.Copy !req
211. Whenever we go to the hardware store,
she gets to give me a 20-minute hug,Copy !req
212. and I get to go to the hardware store.Copy !req
213. God, that shorty helmet looks hot on you.Copy !req
214. Hmm, well, I'll keep it on.Copy !req
215. Kiss me as hard as you want.Copy !req
216. Your stuff's cleared up, right?Copy !req
217. Mm-mmm…Copy !req
218. Wow, look at those two, Hank.Copy !req
219. Real bikers.Copy !req
220. We're gonna need
some real biker accessoriesCopy !req
221. if we're gonna fit in with this crowd.Copy !req
222. Check out this wallet.Copy !req
223. That's so it doesn't fall out
of your pants during a rumble.Copy !req
224. Could you add this
to our wedding registry?Copy !req
225. I can't remember if it's under
my name, Pepperoni Sue,Copy !req
226. or the groom's, Lumpy.Copy !req
227. Well, that explains why you twoCopy !req
228. are acting like a couple
of about-to-be newlyweds.Copy !req
229. Congratulations.Copy !req
230. Thanks. You're only off by ten years.Copy !req
231. We're doing a recommitment ceremony.Copy !req
232. First time we got married,Copy !req
233. all I got was a pair of assless pants
and a bottle of tequila.Copy !req
234. That bottle and them pants
got us through five states in three days.Copy !req
235. Oh, what a honeymoon.Copy !req
236. Yeah, this country of ours
looks pretty darn goodCopy !req
237. with your boots up in the breeze.Copy !req
238. You said it, brother.Copy !req
239. And now, me and the old ladyCopy !req
240. are fixing to head up to South Dakota
for the nuptials.Copy !req
241. Yup, Biker Week in Sturgis,
just like the first time around.Copy !req
242. Yeah, tradition's real important
to Lumpy and me.Copy !req
243. That's why we're gonna spend
our wedding nightCopy !req
244. under the same foosball table
in the same bar as last time.Copy !req
245. Oh, hey, have you guys
ever been to Sturgis?Copy !req
246. Ah, it's a party.Copy !req
247. Eight hundred thousand bikers
and Robbie Knievel'sCopy !req
248. jumping 13 dump trucks
in the middle of a Styx concert.Copy !req
249. Yeah, it's a solid week
of free music, dancing,Copy !req
250. and pickle-licking contests.Copy !req
251. - You should come.
- WellCopy !req
252. it does sound like it offers
a lot of fun couples activities.Copy !req
253. We have been talking
about doing a longer ride.Copy !req
254. Yeah. "Live to ride, ride to live."Copy !req
255. Pepperoni Sue, give them
an invitation to our reception.Copy !req
256. If you feel like getting us something,
we're also registered at the liquor store.Copy !req
257. - Hmm…
- Well, dude,Copy !req
258. if we're gonna be riding to Sturgis,
we will need some sunblock.Copy !req
259. I'm off to the store.Copy !req
260. Good thinking, Motorcycle Mama.Copy !req
261. "Live to ride and ride to live,"
you dumb cows!Copy !req
262. Hank, I may never sleep again.Copy !req
263. Driving this Harley was amazing.Copy !req
264. If I have bugs in my teeth,
it is because I could not stop smiling.Copy !req
265. I should probably floss.Copy !req
266. I'd ask you to start it up,
but it'd wake up Bobby.Copy !req
267. Ah, who cares? He gets enough sleep.Copy !req
268. Move. It's mine.Copy !req
269. What is it?Copy !req
270. A mummified house cat.Copy !req
271. It must have belonged to the pharaoh.Copy !req
272. "Mr. Boots."Copy !req
273. But… that was your cat, Dale.Copy !req
274. Impossible.Copy !req
275. Mr. Boots was white and fluffy
and feisty and fun-loving.Copy !req
276. This is just a skeleton.Copy !req
277. Wait a minute.Copy !req
278. Nancy told me that he ran away.Copy !req
279. Oh.Copy !req
280. - Potato, potato, potato, potato.
- Potato, potato, potato, potato.Copy !req
281. Potato, potato, potato, potato…Copy !req
282. Potato, potato, potato…Copy !req
283. Oh.Copy !req
284. Now, you have a good time
at your Grandpa Cotton's while we're gone.Copy !req
285. Fine.Copy !req
286. But I'm not taking a bath
with that baby again.Copy !req
287. It's humiliating.Copy !req
288. Okay, everyone, step away from the vehicle
so I can execute a farewell donut.Copy !req
289. Oh, quit dragging it out. Just, go. Go.Copy !req
290. - Ride that hog, girl.
- Bye. Get me a shot glass.Copy !req
291. Oh, you've been driving all morning, Hank.
Why don't you take a break?Copy !req
292. I can take over for a while.Copy !req
293. Thanks, but I'm okay.Copy !req
294. Maybe next stop.Copy !req
295. Okay, Hank, Kansas is mine.Copy !req
296. I'm gonna tear this state a new one.Copy !req
297. Yeah, uh, maybe we ought
to switch off after Kansas.Copy !req
298. I wouldn't want you to miss out
on all that wheat.Copy !req
299. - Hank?
- No.Copy !req
300. I'm still feeling surprisingly fresh.Copy !req
301. Thanks, though.Copy !req
302. You know we're almost there.
Why mess with success?Copy !req
303. Smile.Copy !req
304. Come on, Peggy, smile.Copy !req
305. I am sick of you bossing me around.Copy !req
306. Let me drive, then I will smile.Copy !req
307. Well, I explained to you in Nebraska.Copy !req
308. It would throw our weight distribution
all out of whack.Copy !req
309. Maybe the coroner could take a photo of usCopy !req
310. after we bounced off the asphalt
like a couple of rag dolls.Copy !req
311. Hank, that's bunk.Copy !req
312. I am driving.Copy !req
313. Uh…Copy !req
314. Okay, but, see, Peggy, the thing of it is,Copy !req
315. it just doesn't work that way
with biker couples.Copy !req
316. Lumpy and Pepperoni Sue
have a great relationship,Copy !req
317. and she never rides up front.Copy !req
318. In fact, the spot
behind the driver is called theCopy !req
319. the… "bitch" seat.Copy !req
320. What?Copy !req
321. - So, that makes me your…
- No, no. No.Copy !req
322. It's a motorcycle term.
I don't even think it's spelled the same.Copy !req
323. Forget I brought it up.Copy !req
324. My God.Copy !req
325. Maybe we should have taken the therapy.Copy !req
326. Hey, let's stop at a souvenir stand
so I can get a T-shirt that says,Copy !req
327. "My husband controlled my vacation,
and all I got was this lousy T-shirt."Copy !req
328. That would be a nice picture
to show Dr. Rast, huh?Copy !req
329. Well, maybe we should get a motorcycle
with a seat big enough for three people.Copy !req
330. Then Dr. Rast could ride along
and analyze our marriage.Copy !req
331. Good idea.Copy !req
332. Now, hold on. We're going.Copy !req
333. We are not going anywhere.Copy !req
334. Oh, yes, we are.Copy !req
335. Yahoo.Copy !req
336. Show us what you got, girls!Copy !req
337. Oh.Copy !req
338. Oh.Copy !req
339. That's right, Hank. Get a good look.Copy !req
340. Because at the rate you're going,
you will not be seeing mine anytime soon.Copy !req
341. Nice to see that you've gotten vulgar
as well as selfish.Copy !req
342. Peggy, release the brake lever.Copy !req
343. Nuh-uh. This brake lever's on my side,
and I will hold it down as long as I want.Copy !req
344. Fine. We'll just park the bike here.Copy !req
345. It doesn't bother me.Copy !req
346. I can watch the motorized barstool races.Copy !req
347. You know what?Copy !req
348. I am going to the Greyhound station
to buy myself a ticket to Arlen.Copy !req
349. I'm sure they will let me sit
anywhere I want on the bus.Copy !req
350. You can't sit in the bus driver's seat.Copy !req
351. You can't even talk to him.Copy !req
352. Oh, yeah!Copy !req
353. Oh, will you quit
your whining, you old woman?Copy !req
354. I'm wearing a bra.Copy !req
355. Barstool coming through.Copy !req
356. Uh, oops. Oh, excuse me, officer.Copy !req
357. But before you go,Copy !req
358. this map will lead you
to a treasure that'll…Copy !req
359. Ha!Copy !req
360. I'm rich.Copy !req
361. And you, stop playing the blame game.Copy !req
362. Ha-ha.Copy !req
363. - Are these fixable?
- No.Copy !req
364. How do you tell what size you are
in a nipple ring?Copy !req
365. - Pepperoni Sue?
- Huh?Copy !req
366. Who's asking?Copy !req
367. Oh, it's that old biker dude
with the crazy girlfriend.Copy !req
368. Oh, yeah, yeah.Copy !req
369. Sorry I almost messed you up, man.Copy !req
370. Wedding day jitters.Copy !req
371. Look at the kick-ass skull ring
Lumpy's getting me.Copy !req
372. Huh, a smiley one.Copy !req
373. Yeah, 'cause I know
how to make him smile.Copy !req
374. Mmm.Copy !req
375. Whoo-hoo.Copy !req
376. Mm. Oh, man, that's good barbecue.Copy !req
377. So, how are you and your old lady
digging Biker Week?Copy !req
378. Uh, Peggy and I aren't speaking right now.Copy !req
379. She's upset because I wouldn't
let her drive us.Copy !req
380. Hell, I'd rather get shanked
than let my old lady drive.Copy !req
381. And I'd never ask.Copy !req
382. That's why our marriage works.Copy !req
383. Boundaries.Copy !req
384. Yeah. Who knows her place?Copy !req
385. - I do, baby.
- Who knows her place, huh?Copy !req
386. - I do, baby.
- Who knows her place?Copy !req
387. - I do, baby.
- Who knows her place, huh?Copy !req
388. You okay?
You look like you licked a bad pickle.Copy !req
389. Pepperoni, show him your girls.Copy !req
390. Okay, but they're a little chapped
from the ride.Copy !req
391. Uh, that's okay. Thanks.Copy !req
392. Where are your glasses, Hank?Copy !req
393. Oh, did you decide it's effeminate
for a man to wear them?Copy !req
394. If so, I refer you to Mr. Larry Hagman.Copy !req
395. If you care to know,Copy !req
396. a barstool ran into me
and broke my glasses.Copy !req
397. So, just take the bike,
and I'll take the bus.Copy !req
398. Hank, this is crazy.Copy !req
399. Now, get on. I will drive.Copy !req
400. But that would mean
I have to ride on theCopy !req
401. other part of the seat.Copy !req
402. You know, behind.Copy !req
403. Oh, stop acting like a baby and get on.Copy !req
404. I am not a baby.Copy !req
405. Are your arms getting stiff up there?Copy !req
406. A little.Copy !req
407. I suppose maybe
I could put 'em down here a little while.Copy !req
408. Dead snake!Copy !req
409. Nice evasive maneuver, Peggy.Copy !req
410. Hank, there's a moose
drinking from that lake.Copy !req
411. There's a moose? And a lake?
How big are the antlers?Copy !req
412. Oh, my goodness, they're huge.Copy !req
413. Don't worry. I'll get us closer.Copy !req
414. Hey, I see it. I see it. It's beautiful.Copy !req
415. Yes, it is, Hank!Copy !req
416. I love you, Peggy!Copy !req
417. Sandwich?Copy !req
418. I think there's one left
in that saddlebag.Copy !req
419. - He had a crushed pelvis.
- And a cape.Copy !req