1. Ripped By mstollCopy !req
2. Hey, Boomhauer.Copy !req
3. How was Houston?Copy !req
4. Do anything, uh, interesting?Copy !req
5. Nah, you know, man,
stuff, you know.Copy !req
6. Usual ol' meetings,
you know, and stuffCopy !req
7. with conferences, stuff like,
you know, uh, dang ol'...Copy !req
8. Liar!Copy !req
9. Show him, Hank.Copy !req
10. An official Houston
Texans bobble head.Copy !req
11. If you're going to sneakCopy !req
12. around behind
the Dallas Cowboys' backsCopy !req
13. you better not ask a Cowboy fan
to get your mail.Copy !req
14. You went to their training camp,
didn't you?Copy !req
15. You make me sick.Copy !req
16. Dang it, BoomhauerCopy !req
17. just because the CowboysCopy !req
18. have a bad season or two,
or five,Copy !req
19. doesn't give you the right
to abandon them, right, guys?Copy !req
20. Although I guessCopy !req
21. if we root for the Texans,
it doesn't meanCopy !req
22. we'd have to stop rooting
for the Cowboys.Copy !req
23. Well, they are
in different conferencesCopy !req
24. so it would only be a problemCopy !req
25. if they played
in the Super Bowl.Copy !req
26. An all-Texas Super Bowl.Copy !req
27. His will be done.Copy !req
28. Peggy, where's that list
of ATMs in Houston?Copy !req
29. Me and the guys
are going to watchCopy !req
30. the Texans training camp
this weekend.Copy !req
31. This weekend?Copy !req
32. Hank, we have reservationsCopy !req
33. at That's Amore
Saturday night.Copy !req
34. I-I told you
about this.Copy !req
35. I booked the table
in the kitchen.Copy !req
36. The chef's table?Copy !req
37. You got in?Copy !req
38. Oh, yeah, I sort of remember
you mentioning that.Copy !req
39. Hank, it took me two months
to get that table.Copy !req
40. I promoted an illiterate student
to the ninth gradeCopy !req
41. just because his father
delivers meat to That's Amore.Copy !req
42. Sure, let's have dinner
in a restaurant's kitchen.Copy !req
43. Maybe we can have dessert
in the restroom.Copy !req
44. All right, Hank,
you are not understanding me.Copy !req
45. When I make plans,
I check with you first,Copy !req
46. but you... you
just go offCopy !req
47. and make whatever plans you want
without even consulting me.Copy !req
48. Fine, I'll consult you
on everything.Copy !req
49. Peggy, I'm going
to go get a glass of water.Copy !req
50. Oh, wait, Peggy, I'm walking
to the refrigerator first.Copy !req
51. Oh! Maybe
I should just take Bobby.Copy !req
52. Bobby, I'm not taking you.Copy !req
53. I was just trying
to get back at your father.Copy !req
54. Oh.Copy !req
55. Uh, Peggy, I've been thinkingCopy !req
56. about what you were sayingCopy !req
57. and I realized you were
right to be mad at me,Copy !req
58. and I want to
make it up to you,Copy !req
59. so, uh...Copy !req
60. Guess who's coming to Houston
with us?Copy !req
61. And don't worry, I cleared it
with the guys.Copy !req
62. You're riding shotgun,Copy !req
63. and we don't have to share
a room with Bill.Copy !req
64. Oh, so, you've decidedCopy !req
65. I am going to Houston
this weekend,Copy !req
66. and what team I'm going
to root for.Copy !req
67. Have you written a cheer
for me too, Hank?Copy !req
68. Uh... n-no.Copy !req
69. I cannot believe you.Copy !req
70. I am not
one of your propane tanksCopy !req
71. you can just order aroundCopy !req
72. who will obey your every whim.Copy !req
73. Bobby, it's your lucky day.Copy !req
74. Your father
has a new shirt for you.Copy !req
75. Really?Copy !req
76. No.Copy !req
77. Peggy won't let me
go to Houston.Copy !req
78. Are you two having problems?Copy !req
79. Irreconcilable
differences, maybe?Copy !req
80. As the onlyCopy !req
81. happily married man out hereCopy !req
82. may I suggest marriage
counseling with Dr. Tim Rast?Copy !req
83. "Tim Rast will make
your marriage last."Copy !req
84. I came up with that slogan
during one of our sessionsCopy !req
85. while Nancy was jabbering
about something.Copy !req
86. You're going
to couples therapy?Copy !req
87. Dang it, Dale, how could you?Copy !req
88. Oh, he's great, Hank...
a real man's man.Copy !req
89. No matter what,
he always takes my side.Copy !req
90. He knows who signs
Nancy's name on his checks.Copy !req
91. Huh. So, all I have to do
is show upCopy !req
92. and he'll tell Peggy
I'm right and she's wrong?Copy !req
93. Y'uh-huh.Copy !req
94. Even when I say something
I know is crazy, he nods.Copy !req
95. Huh. Well, I guess
as long as he's just thereCopy !req
96. to tell Peggy she's wrong,
I can't see the harm.Copy !req
97. Uh, Peggy, I don't really know
how to say this,Copy !req
98. and yet there's no greeting card
for it, either.Copy !req
99. What?Copy !req
100. Well, uh, I think we should seeCopy !req
101. a professional...
r-relationship person.Copy !req
102. What? You mean
a marriage counselor?Copy !req
103. Like the one
Dale and Nancy use.Copy !req
104. Dr. Tim Rast.Copy !req
105. Yes, him.Copy !req
106. Please, Peggy.Copy !req
107. I just need
somewhere safe to go and, uhCopy !req
108. let it all hang out.Copy !req
109. Oh, Hank, don't worry,
I'll handle everything.Copy !req
110. I'll call tomorrow to
make an appointment.Copy !req
111. I already did...
Friday at 4:30.Copy !req
112. Huh. So, you made
an appointmentCopy !req
113. without consulting me.Copy !req
114. Well, at least we knowCopy !req
115. the first thing we'll discuss.Copy !req
116. Even his elbowsCopy !req
117. are nicotine stained,
he refuses to acknowledgeCopy !req
118. he's bald,Copy !req
119. and he sobs uncontrollably
after sex.Copy !req
120. Well, crying
can be a healthy release.Copy !req
121. Thank you, Doctor.Copy !req
122. Say, it's that time again.Copy !req
123. But before you go,Copy !req
124. I want to draw something
for y'all to take home.Copy !req
125. This here's a treasure map.Copy !req
126. Ah...Copy !req
127. Every time
you catch yourself thinkingCopy !req
128. the key to happiness
is out there somewhere, Nancy,Copy !req
129. I want you
to look at this map,Copy !req
130. because it'll lead you
to a treasureCopy !req
131. that will bring the both of youCopy !req
132. untold riches
for the rest of your lives.Copy !req
133. Gimme!Copy !req
134. G'I!Copy !req
135. Dr. Rast
really is very good.Copy !req
136. Now, I have solved the family's
emotional crises up to now,Copy !req
137. so, I hope you do not mind
if I take my own notes.Copy !req
138. Mm-hmm.Copy !req
139. Mm-hmm-hmm.Copy !req
140. So, here's the deal, Coach.Copy !req
141. She wants to go
to a restaurantCopy !req
142. and eat in the kitchen.Copy !req
143. I know, I don't
get it, either.Copy !req
144. And I want to go
see the Texans train.Copy !req
145. I look forward to your ruling.Copy !req
146. This is not just about goingCopy !req
147. to see the Texans.Copy !req
148. It is about the Chinese
cooking class we never took,Copy !req
149. the matching outfits
we never wore.Copy !req
150. Do you realize
we have no scented soapsCopy !req
151. anywhere in the house?Copy !req
152. Hank is always acting
like the boss.Copy !req
153. He won't even let me pay
the phone billCopy !req
154. because he doesn't like
the way I make sevens.Copy !req
155. Hank, I want you
to go see the Texans,Copy !req
156. and forget all about Peggy.Copy !req
157. See? Sounds pretty dang selfish
when you hear it out loud.Copy !req
158. Okay, let's do Magic Wand.Copy !req
159. What's going on here?Copy !req
160. It's a relationship game, Hank.Copy !req
161. I got it
from Goldie Hawn's life coachCopy !req
162. at a conference in Reno.Copy !req
163. Oh, God, I've been misinformed.Copy !req
164. I need to get out of here.Copy !req
165. Sit down, Hank.
This was your idea.Copy !req
166. I think you'll likeCopy !req
167. Magic Wand, Hank.Copy !req
168. Let's play.Copy !req
169. Now, you have a magic wand.Copy !req
170. What's one thingCopy !req
171. you would like to change
about your partner?Copy !req
172. Well, call me crazy, but
I wouldn't change anything.Copy !req
173. Well, that's
not the right answer.Copy !req
174. Give me the wand;
I'll do it right.Copy !req
175. Sounds like you two
have an issue with control.Copy !req
176. What I like to do is something
I call Time Machine Therapy,Copy !req
177. or T.M.T.Copy !req
178. I am going to kill Dale.Copy !req
179. What I want you two to doCopy !req
180. is picture yourselves
in the future.Copy !req
181. You two are retired,
no work, no kids.Copy !req
182. Quick, where
do you picture yourself?Copy !req
183. We already have
that figured out.Copy !req
184. We're going to buy his
and hers motorcyclesCopy !req
185. and see America,
excluding California.Copy !req
186. Mm-hmm.
Tell me more.Copy !req
187. What more is there?Copy !req
188. Freedom of the open road,
and such.Copy !req
189. All the maintenance
a guy could ask for.Copy !req
190. Collecting spoons
from every state capitol.Copy !req
191. Meeting colorful charactersCopy !req
192. like truck stop waitresses
and corrupt local sheriffs.Copy !req
193. We have set up a direct deposit
savings account,Copy !req
194. and are just over halfway
to our goal.Copy !req
195. More if our son Bobby
doesn't go to college.Copy !req
196. I'm going to write you two
a prescriptionCopy !req
197. I think is goingCopy !req
198. to help you with your problem.Copy !req
199. Uh, Doctor,Copy !req
200. if you'll check your notes,Copy !req
201. we only have half
the money saved.Copy !req
202. Mm-hmm. Here it is
right here.Copy !req
203. But half the money will still
buy you one motorcycle,Copy !req
204. and that would give you
something to share togetherCopy !req
205. as equal partners.Copy !req
206. 'Course, if you don't want
a motorcycle,Copy !req
207. there's other things
you could spend that money on.Copy !req
208. Like more counseling.Copy !req
209. Is that us?Copy !req
210. It is now.Copy !req
211. Hit it, Daddy!Copy !req
212. I can't believe
you guys bought a motorcycle.Copy !req
213. Evel Knievel had a Harley
and a capeCopy !req
214. and a jeweled walking stick.Copy !req
215. It was a cane, and it was
because he had a crushed pelvis.Copy !req
216. And a cape.Copy !req
217. Mmm. I'm having trouble
making this outCopy !req
218. through my own spit.Copy !req
219. What kind of idiot
uses 'delible inkCopy !req
220. to draw a treasure map?Copy !req
221. This looks about right.Copy !req
222. Start digging, Bill.Copy !req
223. Can I take the blindfold off?Copy !req
224. I don't want any
of your treasure.Copy !req
225. I just enjoy the time
we spend together.Copy !req
226. Me, too.Copy !req
227. That's why I didn't gag you.Copy !req
228. No, Bill.Copy !req
229. I promise
I'll wipe my head first.Copy !req
230. No.Copy !req
231. We ride in five, Big H.Copy !req
232. I just have to leather up.Copy !req
233. Boy, we made the right move,
I tell you what.Copy !req
234. We didn't need therapy.Copy !req
235. We needed a motorcycle.Copy !req
236. Whenever we go
to the hardware storeCopy !req
237. she gets to give me
a 20-minute hug,Copy !req
238. and I get to go
to the hardware store.Copy !req
239. God, that shorty helmet
looks hot on you.Copy !req
240. Hmm, well, I'll keep it on.Copy !req
241. Kiss me as hard as you want.Copy !req
242. Your stuff's cleared up, right?Copy !req
243. Mm-mmm...
Mmm...Copy !req
244. Wow, look at those two, Hank.Copy !req
245. Real bikers.Copy !req
246. We're going to need some
real biker accessoriesCopy !req
247. if we're going to fit
in with this crowd.Copy !req
248. Check out this wallet.Copy !req
249. That's so it doesn'tCopy !req
250. fall out of your pantsCopy !req
251. during a rumble.Copy !req
252. Could you add this
to our wedding registry?Copy !req
253. I can't remember if it's under
my name, Pepperoni Sue,Copy !req
254. or the groom's... Lumpy.Copy !req
255. Well, that explains
why you twoCopy !req
256. are acting like a couple
of about-to-be newlyweds.Copy !req
257. Congratulations.Copy !req
258. Thanks. You're only
off by ten years.Copy !req
259. We're doing a
recommitment ceremony.Copy !req
260. First time we got marriedCopy !req
261. all I got was a pair
of assless pantsCopy !req
262. and a bottle of tequila.Copy !req
263. That bottle and them pantsCopy !req
264. got us through five
states in three days.Copy !req
265. Oh, what a honeymoon!Copy !req
266. Yeah, this country of ours
looks pretty darn goodCopy !req
267. with your boots
up in the breeze.Copy !req
268. You said it, brother.Copy !req
269. And now, me and the old ladyCopy !req
270. are fixing to head up to South
Dakota for the nuptials.Copy !req
271. Yup, Biker Week in Sturgis,Copy !req
272. just like the
first time around.Copy !req
273. Yeah, tradition's real
important to Lumpy and me.Copy !req
274. That's why we're going
to spend our wedding nightCopy !req
275. under the same foosball tableCopy !req
276. in the same bar as last time.Copy !req
277. Oh, hey, have you guys
ever been to Sturgis?Copy !req
278. Ah, it's a party.Copy !req
279. 800,000 bikers,Copy !req
280. and Robbie Knievel's
jumping 13 dump trucksCopy !req
281. in the middle
of a Styx concert.Copy !req
282. Yeah, it's a solid weekCopy !req
283. of free music, dancing,Copy !req
284. and pickle-
licking contests.Copy !req
285. You should come.Copy !req
286. Well, it does sound
like it offersCopy !req
287. a lot of fun
couples activities.Copy !req
288. We have been talking
about doing a longer ride.Copy !req
289. Yeah! "Live to ride,
ride to live!"Copy !req
290. Pepperoni Sue, give them
an invitation to our reception.Copy !req
291. If you feel like
getting us somethingCopy !req
292. we're also registered
at the liquor store.Copy !req
293. Hmm...Copy !req
294. Well, dude, if we're goingCopy !req
295. to be riding to Sturgis,
we will need some sunblock.Copy !req
296. I'm off to the store.Copy !req
297. Good thinking,
Motorcycle Mama.Copy !req
298. "Live to ride and ride to live,"
you dumb cows!Copy !req
299. Hank, I may never sleep again.Copy !req
300. Driving this Harley was amazing!Copy !req
301. If I have bugs in my teeth,Copy !req
302. it is because
I could not stop smiling.Copy !req
303. I should probably floss.Copy !req
304. I'd ask you to start it up,Copy !req
305. but it'd wake up Bobby.Copy !req
306. Ah, who cares?Copy !req
307. He gets enough sleep.Copy !req
308. Move! It's mine!Copy !req
309. What is it?Copy !req
310. A mummified house cat.Copy !req
311. It must have belonged
to the pharaoh.Copy !req
312. Hmm.Copy !req
313. "Mr. Boots."Copy !req
314. But... that was your cat, Dale.Copy !req
315. Impossible.Copy !req
316. Mr. Boots was white and fluffy,
and feisty and fun-loving.Copy !req
317. This is just a skeleton.Copy !req
318. Wait a minute.Copy !req
319. Nancy told me that he ran away.Copy !req
320. Oh.Copy !req
321. Potato, potato,
potato, potato.Copy !req
322. Potato, potato potato, potato.Copy !req
323. Potato, potato,
potato, potato...Copy !req
324. Potato, potato, potato...Copy !req
325. Oh.Copy !req
326. Now, you have a good timeCopy !req
327. at your Grandpa Cotton's
while we're gone.Copy !req
328. Fine.Copy !req
329. But I'm not taking a bathCopy !req
330. with that baby again.Copy !req
331. It's humiliating.Copy !req
332. Okay, everyone,
step away from the vehicleCopy !req
333. so I can execute
a farewell donut.Copy !req
334. Oh, quit dragging it out.Copy !req
335. Just, go. Go!Copy !req
336. Ride that hog, girl.Copy !req
337. Bye. Get me a shot glass.Copy !req
338. Oh, you've been driving
all morning, Hank.Copy !req
339. Why don't you take a break?Copy !req
340. I can take over for a while.Copy !req
341. Thanks, but I'm okay.Copy !req
342. Maybe next stop.Copy !req
343. Okay, Hank, Kansas is mine.Copy !req
344. I'm going
to tear this state a new one.Copy !req
345. Yeah, uh, maybe we ought
to switch off after Kansas.Copy !req
346. I wouldn't want you to miss outCopy !req
347. on all that wheat.Copy !req
348. No.Copy !req
349. I'm still feeling
surprisingly fresh.Copy !req
350. Thanks, though.Copy !req
351. You know we're almost there.Copy !req
352. Why mess with success.Copy !req
353. Smile!Copy !req
354. Come on, Peggy, smile.Copy !req
355. I am sick
of you bossing me around.Copy !req
356. Let me drive,
then I will smile.Copy !req
357. Well, I explained
to you in Nebraska.Copy !req
358. It would throw our weight
distribution all out of whack.Copy !req
359. Maybe the coroner could
take a photo of usCopy !req
360. after we bounced
off the asphaltCopy !req
361. like a couple of rag dolls.Copy !req
362. Hank, that's bunk.Copy !req
363. I am driving.Copy !req
364. Uh...Copy !req
365. okay, but, see, Peggy,
the thing of it is,Copy !req
366. it just doesn't work that
way with biker couples.Copy !req
367. Lumpy and Pepperoni Sue
have a great relationship,Copy !req
368. and she never rides up front.Copy !req
369. In fact, the spotCopy !req
370. behind the driver
is called the...Copy !req
371. The... "bitch" seat.Copy !req
372. What?Copy !req
373. So, that makes me your...Copy !req
374. No, no. No!Copy !req
375. It's a motorcycle term.Copy !req
376. I don't even think
it's spelled the same.Copy !req
377. Forget I brought it up.Copy !req
378. My God!Copy !req
379. Maybe we should have
taken the therapy.Copy !req
380. Hey, let's stop
at a souvenir standCopy !req
381. so I can get a T-shirt
that saysCopy !req
382. "My husband controlled
my vacation,Copy !req
383. and all I got
was this lousy T-shirt."Copy !req
384. That would be a nice picture
to show Dr. Rast, huh?Copy !req
385. Well, maybe we should
get a motorcycleCopy !req
386. with a seat big enough
for three people.Copy !req
387. Then Dr. Rast
could ride alongCopy !req
388. and analyze our marriage.Copy !req
389. Good idea.Copy !req
390. Now, hold on.Copy !req
391. We're going.Copy !req
392. We are not going anywhere.Copy !req
393. Oh, yes, we are.Copy !req
394. Yahoo!Copy !req
395. Show us what you got, girls!Copy !req
396. Oh!Copy !req
397. Oh.Copy !req
398. That's right, Hank.Copy !req
399. Get a good look.Copy !req
400. Because at the rate
you're going,Copy !req
401. you will not be seeing mine
anytime soon.Copy !req
402. Nice to see
that you've gotten vulgarCopy !req
403. as well as selfish.Copy !req
404. Peggy, release
the brake lever.Copy !req
405. Nuh-uh.Copy !req
406. This brake lever's on my side,Copy !req
407. and I will hold it down
as long as I want.Copy !req
408. Fine. We'll just
park the bike here.Copy !req
409. It doesn't bother me.Copy !req
410. I can watch the
motorized barstool races.Copy !req
411. You know what?Copy !req
412. I am going
to the Greyhound stationCopy !req
413. to buy myself a ticket
to Arlen.Copy !req
414. I'm sure they will let me sitCopy !req
415. anywhere I want on the bus.Copy !req
416. You can't sit
in the bus driver's seat.Copy !req
417. You can't even talk to him.Copy !req
418. Ho-yeah!Copy !req
419. Baah!Copy !req
420. Oh, will you quitCopy !req
421. your whining, you old woman?Copy !req
422. I'm wearing a bra.Copy !req
423. Barstool coming through!Copy !req
424. Ugh.Copy !req
425. Uh, oops.Copy !req
426. Oh, excuse me, officer.Copy !req
427. But before you go,Copy !req
428. this map will lead you
to a treasure that'll...Copy !req
429. Ha!Copy !req
430. I'm rich.Copy !req
431. And you,Copy !req
432. stop playing the blame game.Copy !req
433. Ha-ha!Copy !req
434. Are these fixable?
No.Copy !req
435. How do you tell
what size you areCopy !req
436. in a nipple ring?Copy !req
437. Pepperoni Sue?Copy !req
438. Huh?Copy !req
439. Who's asking?Copy !req
440. Oh, it's that old biker dude
with the crazy girlfriend.Copy !req
441. Oh, yeah, yeah.Copy !req
442. Sorry I almost
messed you up, man.Copy !req
443. Wedding day jitters.Copy !req
444. Look at the kick-ass skull ring
Lumpy's getting me.Copy !req
445. Huh, a smiley one.Copy !req
446. Yeah, 'cause I know
how to make him smile.Copy !req
447. Mmm.Copy !req
448. Whoo-hoo!Copy !req
449. Oh, man, that's good barbecue.Copy !req
450. So, how are you and your old
lady digging Biker Week?Copy !req
451. Uh, Peggy and I aren't speaking
right now.Copy !req
452. She's upset because I wouldn't
let her drive us.Copy !req
453. Hell, I'd rather get shankedCopy !req
454. than let my old lady drive.Copy !req
455. And I'd never ask.Copy !req
456. That's why our marriage works.Copy !req
457. Boundaries.Copy !req
458. Yeah. Who knows
her place?Copy !req
459. I do, baby. Who knows
her place, huh?Copy !req
460. I do, baby. Who
knows her place?Copy !req
461. I do, baby.Copy !req
462. Who knows her place, huh?Copy !req
463. You okay?Copy !req
464. You look
like you licked a bad pickle.Copy !req
465. Pepperoni, show
him your girls.Copy !req
466. Okay, but they're a little
chapped from the ride.Copy !req
467. Uh, that's okay. Thanks.Copy !req
468. Where are your glasses, Hank?Copy !req
469. Oh, did you decide
it's effeminateCopy !req
470. for a man to wear them?Copy !req
471. If so, I refer you
to Mr. Larry Hagman.Copy !req
472. A barstool ran into me
and broke my glasses.Copy !req
473. So, just take the bike,
and I'll take the bus.Copy !req
474. Hank, this is crazy.Copy !req
475. Now, get on.Copy !req
476. I will drive.Copy !req
477. But that would mean
I have to ride on the...Copy !req
478. other part of the seat.Copy !req
479. You know, behind.Copy !req
480. Oh, stop acting like a baby
and get on.Copy !req
481. I am not a baby.Copy !req
482. Are
your arms getting stiff up there?Copy !req
483. A little.Copy !req
484. I suppose maybeCopy !req
485. I could put 'em down
here a little while.Copy !req
486. Dead snake!Copy !req
487. Nice evasive maneuver, Peggy.Copy !req
488. Hank, there's a moose
drinking from that lake.Copy !req
489. There's a moose?Copy !req
490. And a lake?Copy !req
491. How big are the antlers?Copy !req
492. Oh, my goodness, they're huge.Copy !req
493. Don't worry.
I'll get us closer.Copy !req
494. Hey, I see it.Copy !req
495. I see it.
It's beautiful.Copy !req
496. Yes, it is, Hank.Copy !req
497. I love you, Peggy!Copy !req
498. Sandwich?Copy !req
499. I think there's one left
in that saddlebag.Copy !req
500. Ripped By mstollCopy !req
501. Ya... Yahoo!Copy !req