King of the Hill 6x7

Directed by Anthony Lioi

Caitlyn Jenner as (voice) • Phil LaMarr as Torch Carrier #2 (voice) • David Herman as (voice) • Caitlyn Jenner as Self (as Bruce Jenner) (voice) • Caitlyn Jenner as Caitlyn Jenner (voice)

Peggy nominates Bobby to carry the Olympic torch through Arlen, but it's Hank who wins the honor--and bungles it.

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Subtitle languages: English • Spanish • Brazilian Portuguese

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1. The Olympic Torch is lit from one of the few entities

2. older than the games themselves.

3. The sun.

4. The flame now begins its long journey from Athens, Greece,

5. to its final destination, Salt Lake City, Utah, USA.

6. And the first leg is being run by Greece's very own Spiro Thanatopolous,

7. who apparently saved a whole herd of goats

8. from a runaway truck.

9. Boy, I've always been a sucker

10. for the torch-lighting ceremony.

11. That and the four-man bobsled.

12. I just wish you didn't have to sit so close together.

13. And remember, Arlen is still looking for one local hero

14. to carry the flame as it passes through town.

15. You may drop off your essay at the station,

16. or at any Pinky's Liquor.

17. Look at Spiros run.

18. He reminds me of a young Hank Hill, only hairier.

19. I'd trade a village full of Spirai for one Hank Hill.

20. You took Arlen High to the Texas State Football Championships,

21. you did.

22. And we would have won it all, too, if your ankle hadn't snapped

23. just two yards from the goal line.

24. Yep, your dad's a real hero.

25. No, no, the guy who beat that shark away with his own arm,

26. he's a hero.

27. I've toyed with the idea of being a hero someday,

28. either by doing something, or stopping something.

29. And I'll get a trophy,

30. and then you'll have to build me my very own trophy shelf.

31. Uh, well, actually, Bobby, I already have.

32. Yeah, I started it right after you were born,

33. and then, uh...

34. Well, you know, uh...

35. I tell you what,

36. the spider plants have thrived on it.

37. Oh, not too close, Bobby.

38. Those leafy green plants

39. can suck the oxygen right out of your body.

40. Boy, look at all Dad's trophies.

41. I'll never be able to win a trophy,

42. or build a shelf.

43. Oh, honey, you'll be able to win a trophy.

44. I haven't won one yet

45. and my body's already starting to go.

46. Ow!

47. Hey, Bobby! Look who's here. Me!

48. Now, I know you thought you'd never win a trophy,

49. but that was before this.

50. Congratulations!

51. "Bobby Hill. Winner."

52. All right!

53. Wait a minute. I don't remember winning anything.

54. I don't remember competing for anything.

55. Oh, yeah?

56. Well, you won first place in the international competition

57. for the being the best you you could possibly be, huh?

58. Well, you're one of the funniest people in the house.

59. You get most of your clothes in the basket,

60. and you always turn off a light when you leave a room.

61. Frankly, the contest wasn't even close.

62. I don't know.

63. It all sounds pretty much like just getting up in the morning.

64. Mm-hm. Mm-hm. Well, the great ones make it look easy.

65. Look, Bobby, they don't give trophies for being a...

66. a sweet, sweet, sweet boy.

67. But they should, and they have.

68. I did.

69. I'd like to thank my mother, my agent and my baby's mama.

70. Things didn't look so good at the beginning of the season,

71. but they believed I could be the best Bobby I could be.

72. I wonder who will get nominated

73. to carry the torch through Arlen.

74. I think it ought to be that boy down at the Waffle House.

75. His Jesus T-shirts are an inspiration

76. and he buses those tables

77. better than most two-armed folks.

78. Hmm. No, he doesn't.

79. Ooh, sausage, the breakfast of champions.

80. Hey, that's my trophy.

81. It's my trophy.

82. Mom gave it to me for being the best me I could be.

83. And I graciously accepted.

84. It's a football trophy.

85. That's a running back fending off a tackler.

86. I thought you said it was me putting my Nerf ball

87. away in the toy hamper.

88. Well, Bobby, it could...

89. Well, it was just sitting in a box gathering dust,

90. and dust mite feces.

91. So, this one is yours, too?

92. Oh, for crying out loud.

93. How many trophies do you have?

94. Look, Bobby, I want to see you get a trophy, too,

95. but you've got to earn it.

96. Now, most Little League teams

97. need a husky fellow to play catcher

98. and you like to wear masks...

99. No, thanks.

100. Hank, I am just trying to boost

101. that boy's self-esteem.

102. You have a shelf full of awards

103. and a beautiful wife on your arm.

104. Why can't Bobby have a trophy, too?

105. You don't give someone an award they don't deserve

106. just to cheer them up.

107. Why not make every Super Bowl a tie

108. so everyone gets a ring and no one is "bummed out," huh?

109. Hank, I am having a brainstorm.

110. Bobby!

111. Honey, how would you like to carry the Olympic Torch?

112. You mean it?

113. Don't make fun of the boy.

114. I will write an essay nominating you.

115. I will open with a joke, but not at your expense,

116. and I will close with a quotation

117. from the Reverend Doctor Martin Luther King, Jr.

118. I'll go turn on your computer and warm up the seat.

119. Good boy.

120. Defacing my trophy was bad enough,

121. but now she's dragging the Olympics into it?

122. Just because Bobby wears a cape, doesn't make him a hero.

123. It actually detracts.

124. The same could not be said of your average matador.

125. I make a good point.

126. There are so many more deserving people in this town.

127. She's just setting him up for a big fall.

128. Like when we told Bill there was a woman out there for him.

129. Mm-hm. Hey!

130. Today is the day

131. they're going to announce that I get to carry the torch.

132. Although to be true to the ancient Olympians before me,

133. I should be nude.

134. Uh, just in case you are chosen,

135. you're going to have to run a half a mile.

136. That's about 500 trips to the refrigerator,

137. just so you know.

138. I know. That's why I've been training.

139. Bobby, you seem to have a hitch in your get-a-long.

140. No, Dad, I'm speed walking.

141. The only Olympic sport

142. endorsed by the American Association

143. of Retired Persons.

144. Easier on the knees.

145. Beautiful, Bobby.

146. Congratulations, Shug!

147. Oh, my God, I did it!

148. I won!

149. I'd jump for joy,

150. - but, you know, the knees.

151. Oh, what the heck!

152. - Yuhoo!

153. Bobby, you won!

154. Oh, dang it. I just took our camera in to be developed.

155. To be fair, Hank, I wrote the essay.

156. But why don't you let this be Bobby's moment?

157. Okay, who's ready for the big news?

158. Mr. Hill, you will be running the Arlen leg

159. of the Olympic Torch relay.

160. Congratulations, Hank.

161. - Hank?

162. But, Mom,

163. you said I was going to get a trophy.

164. Isn't that precious?

165. Now give the torch to your daddy.

166. Uh, you must want the Hank Hill from West Arlen.

167. Hold on, I've got some mail for him, too.

168. It's you, Shug. Congratulations!

169. I'm not trying to tell you

170. how to do your business,

171. but the Durndle torch guy cried.

172. Very moving.

173. So how does it feel to be the official torch-bearer?

174. Are you filled with pride?

175. Humility?

176. What are you filled with, Shug? Arlen wants to know.

177. Mostly confusion.

178. See, I didn't, uh...

179. I will tell you what he is not filled with.

180. Shame.

181. For nominating himself behind my back.

182. I wonder what else you do back there without me knowing.

183. Let's get some B-roll of me smiling.

184. I didn't nominate myself.

185. I haven't written an essay since high school.

186. And I specifically remember it was not

187. "Why I Should Carry the Torch."

188. It was about hammers.

189. It's okay.

190. You deserve it more than I do.

191. You're a good loser, son.

192. Thanks.

193. Maybe someday I'll get a trophy for that.

194. So, Hank, if you did not write that essay,

195. who did?

196. I don't know.

197. Probably just some satisfied customer.

198. The identity of the secret essay writer's a secret...

199. until now!

200. Paragraph one, paragraph two, Hank's signature.

201. What?

202. Dang it, Dale! You remember how mad I was

203. when you guys washed my truck without permission.

204. But you were right, Hank.

205. The torch should go to someone really deserving,

206. and that's you,

207. even if we didn't win State.

208. After all, Hank, America is not just a land of opportunity.

209. It is a land of redemption.

210. It's from the essay.

211. Damn, that's good.

212. Hoist her up. Let's see how she looks.

213. Yeah, let's see them pits! Statue of Liberty, man.

214. You finally made it!

215. Yum.

216. Ow! Ow! Ow! Ow!

217. This salsa is stinging my cuts.

218. I'm fixin' to bring out the tortilla chips.

219. I'm not goin' to tell you again.

220. How's it feel, Dad?

221. Is it everything I hoped it would be?

222. I don't want to be here,

223. and I wouldn't be if Dale hadn't baked all day.

224. Well, then, you shouldn't have had your henchmen write that essay.

225. Y'all want to see what Dale's been keeping in the basement

226. for the last 20 years?

227. No, no, not that.

228. I made him donate that to the teaching hospital.

229. Boomhauer...

230. The year is 1979.

231. Every week, the entire nation turns for hope

232. to Laverne and Shirley.

233. Ted Koppel arranges to have 44 Americans held hostage

234. on a sound stage in Burbank

235. by actors impersonating Iranian fanatics.

236. And Arlen's leading all-time rusher is Hank Hill.

237. The hopes and dreams of a small Texas town in the state of Texas

238. rest squarely on the broad athletic shoulders

239. of their star running back,

240. and his trusted towel manager.

241. Look at Hank go.

242. Running all over those men.

243. He doesn't care who he steps on to get his glory.

244. Nothing has changed.

245. - Touchdown! Yay, Dad!

246. - Go, Dad! - Okay, stop it.

247. No one wants to watch this.

248. Hey, who wants to dance?

249. Dale, help me move that couch.

250. Ugh, dang it!

251. What's the matter, Hank?

252. You don't want to see the part where you broke your ankle?

253. Film's a little grainy, but I think you can see bone.

254. Yeah, man, it's like he's going back there in the pocket

255. and you see a little ol' snap, then you hear that snap.

256. Oh, man.

257. I don't want to see my ankle,

258. and I don't want to carry the dang torch!

259. Uh...

260. Anyone want to see Nancy in an art film?

261. Shug!

262. Dad.

263. Someday, someone's going to make

264. the world's largest fruit pie,

265. and the next day, I'm going to get

266. in the Guinness Book of World Records for eating it.

267. Bobby,

268. I'm not in the mood for riddles right now.

269. I'm just saying, I hope you aren't backing out

270. because you feel bad for me.

271. I'll have my moment in the sun someday.

272. But this one's yours.

273. You're a hero.

274. You took Arlen High to State.

275. I'm not a hero.

276. - I'm a disgrace.

277. Okay, your trousers are filthy.

278. But so were everybody else's.

279. Forget about it.

280. Keep watching.

281. Wow!

282. There's more.

283. That's amazing!

284. I didn't realize people walked like Egyptians back then.

285. It's shameful.

286. The worst kind of useless showboating.

287. The only thing missing was an earring.

288. And on the very next play

289. going for the two-point conversion

290. that would have won us the championship,

291. I broke my ankle.

292. God was punishing me for being prideful.

293. He didn't give me a fatal heart attack

294. because he still wanted me to sell propane,

295. but he made his point.

296. That's crazy.

297. God wasn't punishing you.

298. It was just a coincidence.

299. No, it wasn't.

300. It was God.

301. Is this why you're so uptight all the time?

302. Because you think something bad is going to happen if you act happy?

303. Remember when you saw that bumper sticker

304. "Honk if you love America"?

305. You smiled, pumped your arm, and honked twice.

306. I do love America.

307. And your car didn't go off the road.

308. You're right.

309. We drove home safely.

310. You know, he's only 13 years old,

311. but maybe Bobby's onto something

312. with this "it's okay to feel good" stuff.

313. Well, if Bobby says it's all right for you to run with the torch, I...

314. I will not oppose him.

315. And I will not oppose you.

316. I will let you run unopposed.

317. I know running with the torch

318. won't get me on the front of a Wheaties box,

319. But it sure does give me that "front of a Wheaties box" feeling.

320. Come on, less talky, more walky.

321. Give me another point-five miles.

322. Hot or cold towel, Hank?

323. Well, my torch hand is getting a little slippery.

324. Look at us.

325. Just like when we were in high school.

326. You secreting, me absorbing.

327. And you know, these are the very same towels from back then.

328. Hey, it's, uh, Hank Hill, the torch guy.

329. You were 12 across in today's Arlen Bystander crossword puzzle.

330. Will you sign it for me?

331. In pencil?

332. Hank! Hank!

333. Come on, give 'em a little taste, Dad.

334. Hank! Hank! Hank!

335. Hank! Hank! Hank!

336. Okay, remember, honey, you're going to be on TV,

337. so do not do that thing with your nose that you're not aware of.

338. What thing?

339. I'm here live with Arlen torch-bearer, Hank Hill.

340. Which hand do you think you will carry the torch in?

341. The right.

342. Did you give any thought to any other hand?

343. No, I did not.

344. Sounds like the Durndle torch-bearer approacheth.

345. Finally. It took him forever.

346. Well, they're not exactly swift in Durndle.

347. There he is! Come on!

348. Oh, he is so brave.

349. Hank, wait! Uh...

350. Dang it, Dale.

351. This flame traveled 3,000 miles

352. plus the distance from the sun to Greece.

353. You're tarnishing the spirit of the Winter Games.

354. Au contraire.

355. I'm inhaling it.

356. Remember, Dad,

357. pace, grace and dignity.

358. Now move out!

359. Yeah!

360. Way to go!

361. Oh, my God, stop him!

362. He's running in the wrong direction!

363. Oh! Oh.

364. Oh, no, he's not.

365. He's not, people. Everything's fine!

366. I'm so darn happy, I'd skip the rest of the way.

367. Thank you, Bobby.

368. Whoo!

369. No. Hank!

370. Have you been shot?

371. No, but I deserve to be.

372. Oh, my God! The flame is out!

373. The Olympics are over!

374. Those poor athletes.

375. All their training for nothing.

376. You see, Bobby?

377. This is what happens when you act happy.

378. Thanks a lot.

379. I...

380. I was just trying to help.

381. Okay. I will go find an Olympic official.

382. Or would you like to turn yourself in, Hank?

383. No. I already ruined the most important game in Texas history.

384. I'm not going to ruin these games.

385. All right, here's the plan.

386. I didn't fall, and the flame didn't go out.

387. Is everybody clear on the plan?

388. That's not the real flame.

389. That's just fire.

390. It's cheating.

391. No, no, it's fine.

392. It looks exactly like the old flame.

393. Go! Go! Go!

394. He's running with a flaming lie.

395. How am I going to enjoy the figure skating

396. with this dark cloud hanging over us?

397. Bobby, if your father doesn't go through with this,

398. the Hills will be forever known

399. as the family that ruined the Olympics.

400. Now, I can go back to using my maiden name.

401. I have no idea what you will do.

402. Come on, Arlen!

403. Only 20 more feet and it's all you.

404. Yeah, you got it!

405. This is for the rings, baby!

406. What the...

407. Come on, man! It's only a couple more steps.

408. Why is he slowing down?

409. He's 40.

410. Cut him some slack.

411. Stop hotdoggin' it.

412. You had your time in the sun.

413. Come on, baby, give me some flame.

414. What are you doing?

415. Loser!

416. Oh, man, that is weak!

417. He put it out.

418. 'Cause he's a quitter.

419. I never quit.

420. Hell, I've been smoking for 30 years.

421. The flame!

422. My oral fixation!

423. But you don't understand.

424. That wasn't the real flame.

425. You don't understand!

426. I lost 500 pounds.

427. I'm a hero.

428. Don't worry, Dad.

429. I'm coming as fast as I can.

430. This cigarette was lit with the Olympic torch.

431. The flame lives!

432. All right, Bobby!

433. It's going out.

434. Mr. Gribble...

435. smoke!

436. Hey!

437. Hold on.

438. Bobby, you earned it.

439. All right, the last guy put it out.

440. The bar's pretty low, Todd.

441. You can do it.

442. That's right, McMaynerbury.

443. Brother running with a torch and not a damn thing you can do about it!

444. For preserving the honor and integrity

445. of the Olympic flame and all it represents,

446. I hereby award this trophy

447. to Bobby Hill.

448. I guess if you wanted to do a celebration dance,

449. that'd be all right.

450. Not now, Dad.

451. Now!

452. Okay. That's enough, Bobby.

453. Mm-hm. Hey!