1. So I got Nancy the frozen pig's heart
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2. for Valentine's Day,
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3. but I can't decide which is more romantic
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4. that she finds it next
to her pillow in the morning,
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5. or the front seat of her car
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6. so she can think of me
all the way to work.
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7. Mail never comes this early.
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8. Talking about an ol' special delivery,
you know what I'm saying?
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9. Guaranteed overnight, too, man.
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10. Boy, Boomhauer's sure
got a way with the ladies.
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11. That poor bastard
has to celebrate Valentine's Day
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12. a dozen times with a dozen women.
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13. Yeah, poor Boomhauer
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14. running around like a fool.
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15. I could just cry for him.
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16. I think I'm going to do that.
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17. Hey, you're all dressed up.
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18. Are you kids going to the dentist?
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19. Today's the Valentine's Day flower sale.
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20. If a girl likes you,
she buys you a carnation.
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21. It's just a scam perpetrated
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22. by the floral-industrial complex.
Right, Dad?
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23. That's right, Joseph.
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24. But still, you don't want to look
like some flowerless loser.
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25. What about me?
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26. Now that Connie and I broke up,
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27. I could end up like Joseph last year.
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28. No offense, Joseph.
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29. I don't want to end up like me
last year, either.
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30. Bobby, you've got nothing to worry about.
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31. But if you don't have
any flowers by lunch,
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32. just start coughing
and go to the nurse's office.
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33. I'll pick you up.
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34. Okay, even Acne Pete has a flower.
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35. That's a good sign.
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36. Hey, Bobby.
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37. - Willa Harris.
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38. Call the principal, someone's smoking!
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39. Oh, thank God.
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40. Man, I'm dead.
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41. Happy Black History Month.
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42. I'm just kidding.
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43. Happy Valentine's Day.
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44. But, FYI, it is Black History Month.
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45. Bobby, did you save me a spot?
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46. There's always going to be
a special place in my heart
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47. and on my shirt for you, Connie.
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48. You guys are so sophisticated.
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49. When Doug and Shannon broke up,
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50. Shannon spit on his bike,
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51. and you know what he did on her driveway.
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52. Oh, man, it's Charisse.
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53. She's so tall,
and her braces are so shiny.
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54. Do you think she caught me
sniffing her scrunchie that time?
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55. Hey, Bobby.
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56. Don't move.
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57. Uh, yeah, like, uh... What?
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58. If you want to give Joseph a flower,
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59. you better hurry while he still has room.
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60. A bunch of us are going to make fun
of the janitor later.
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61. - Bring something to throw.
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62. Dude, you totally didn't have
to do that for me,
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63. and you totally did.
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64. You totally rock.
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65. That took courage.
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66. I haven't even hit my growth spurt yet,
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67. and I'm already a stud.
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68. Bobby, the ladies' man.
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69. You know, your father and I
are going two-stepping tonight
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70. to celebrate Valentine's Day.
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71. And because my little man
has been such a grown-up,
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72. no babysitter.
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73. Yes!
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74. Yep.
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75. Yep.
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76. Hey, Bill, you're not doing
anything tonight, are you?
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77. Great. We're leaving Bobby alone
for the first time.
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78. You think you could just check in on him
and make sure everything's okay?
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79. Can do!
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80. Bill, not now. In a while.
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81. And don't let him know we asked you
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82. even if it makes you feel important.
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83. Oh, Bobby!
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84. I didn't know you were home.
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85. I just stopped by to see
if your dad wanted to borrow my comb.
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86. He's not here.
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87. My folks went out
on their Valentine's date.
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88. Oh, that's sweet.
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89. Valentine's Day is nice for couples.
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90. I haven't celebrated
that particular holiday
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91. since my wife left me.
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92. I'll tell my dad you stopped by.
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93. Are you in a hurry?
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94. Is Connie in there?
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95. I don't hear anything.
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96. Did she fall and hit her head?
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97. Mr. Dauterive, Connie and I
broke up weeks ago.
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98. Oh, my God, that's terrible.
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99. Are you okay?
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100. Yeah, it's all cool.
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101. We're still friends.
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102. Friends. Yeah.
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103. I thought Lenore and I
would still be friends,
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104. but here I am, all alone,
no one to have dinner with.
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105. I'll have dinner with you.
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106. You will?
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107. Great. I'll take you
to the all-we-can-eat.
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108. Let me go put on some sweatpants.
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109. Mmm. Thanks for joining me, Bobby.
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110. When I come here alone,
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111. they stick me at the table
behind the big-screen TV.
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112. Can I get you anything else? Some dessert?
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113. More wings.
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114. At least if you're feeling full,
you're feeling something.
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115. I always thought
you drank and ate for fun.
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116. Oh, don't feel sorry for me.
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117. Being alone's not all bad.
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118. You don't have to dress to impress.
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119. That frees up a lot of time.
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120. Which I fill with sleeping,
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121. because being awake is too depressing.
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122. But as a single guy yourself...
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123. Whoa, whoa, whoa.
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124. I am not single.
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125. I'm available.
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126. "Available."
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127. Whatever gets you through the day.
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128. No, really.
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129. You should have seen me at school today.
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130. I got so many flowers,
I gave myself a nickname.
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131. Bobby Flowers.
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132. I got flowers from a woman once.
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133. Turns out she was having
one of those contests with her friends
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134. to see who could bring
the most pathetic guy to a party.
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135. They called it a pig dance.
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136. We won.
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137. I don't think those girls
were playing a trick on me.
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138. I mean, they were giggling a lot,
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139. but that's because I'm funny, right?
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140. Stop right there.
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141. You could drive yourself crazy
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142. trying to figure out all the reasons
women are laughing at you.
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143. Look at those two.
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144. Trippy McLeftfoot
and his little gal Clumsy.
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145. They have absolutely no rhythm,
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146. and they think they can beat us?
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147. Oh, no.
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148. Not two years in a row.
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149. And dancers to the floor!
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150. Now, remember, rock step, rock step,
glide step, windmill.
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151. Okay, let's do it. One and two and...
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152. Clear the floor, you two.
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153. What? We're out?
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154. I refuse to acknowledge any tap
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155. before you have seen us windmill.
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156. Don't make me tap you again.
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157. It's not over.
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158. Hank, come on, windmill!
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159. Come on, windmill!
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160. Windmill!
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161. Make yourself at home, Bobby.
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162. Take your shoes off or leave them on
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163. if you want to keep your socks clean.
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164. You may kiss the bride.
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165. My God, what happened to you?
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166. Yeah, I looked pretty good
back then, didn't I?
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167. 'Course that was before Lenore started
cheating on me.
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168. Two weeks before.
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169. Uh... Uh, yeah, but...
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170. But can't you meet someone else,
like on the Internet?
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171. You can use your old picture.
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172. No, no, no. What...
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173. What are the odds of me
finding another beautiful,
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174. classy lady passed out in my lap
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175. at a Molly Hatchet concert, huh?
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176. What about me?
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177. You think another pretty Asian girl
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178. is going to move in next door?
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179. Nope.
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180. You get one chance at love,
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181. and if you screw that up,
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182. you're going to be alone forever.
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183. What about this one?
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184. "Dear Bobby,
I'll love you forever. Connie."
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185. That was a lie.
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186. I had a letter just like that from Lenore.
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187. I had to destroy it
before it destroyed me.
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188. Oh. Ugh.
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189. When it rains, it pours.
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190. Let's get you cleaned up and home.
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191. You'll probably want
to start sleeping soon.
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192. Well, we may not have won the contest,
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193. but at least it was kind of romantic.
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194. You and me against the world, and all.
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195. Bobby?
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196. Lenore!
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197. Connie!
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198. Why are you moping about Connie?
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199. You were just fine when it ended.
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200. If I remember correctly,
the breakup was mutual.
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201. It was the last thing we did together.
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202. Bobby, you'll find someone else.
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203. Mr. Dauterive didn't.
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204. The only thing you need to know
about Bill Dauterive,
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205. is to stay away from him.
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206. Everything that man touches
turns to... Bill.
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207. Can I sleep with you guys tonight?
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208. - Hank?
- No.
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209. Bobby, it worked!
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210. I called Charisse and I was all,
"You want to go to a party?"
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211. and she was all, "Okay."
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212. And I was all, "Cool."
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213. But inside, I'm like...
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214. So now I have to have a party.
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215. What do I wear, what do I serve,
what do I play?
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216. I can't believe I let Connie get away.
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217. If she would just love me again,
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218. I would build her a beautiful cage
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219. and never let her out.
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220. Hey, guys, would you sign a petition
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221. to change our school name
from Tom Landry Middle School
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222. to "Tom Landry Learning Space"?
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223. I'd do anything for you, Connie.
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224. Okay...
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225. Hey, uh, Joseph's having
a Valentine's party.
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226. You want to go?
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227. Well, the party is next door
and with all that noise,
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228. I won't be able to study anyway, so sure.
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229. Yes! We are back together!
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230. Oh, baby, this feels so right.
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231. Uh, whoa, whoa, whoa.
Bobby, we're just friends.
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232. Pumpkin, don't use the F word on me.
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233. Not me.
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234. This is
your cuddle monster talking.
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235. Hey, Leventhal!
Bobby and Connie back together.
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236. Pass it on.
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237. Yeah, well, I'm going to go now.
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238. And, uh, we should probably
go to the party separately
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239. and maybe at different times.
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240. Connie, don't leave me!
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241. Dude, is this what I do to chicks?
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242. Hey, Bobby, how was school?
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243. We're out of Cool Whip? Oh, man!
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244. So Dale tells me
Joseph's having a shindig.
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245. Thinking of asking someone?
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246. I already asked Connie.
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247. She didn't want to have
anything to do with me.
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248. Okay, then she's dead to you.
It's time to move on.
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249. Is there anyone else you like?
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250. I guess Willa Harris.
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251. But I'm telling you,
she's going to say no.
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252. Say no to Bobby Hill and chocolates?
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253. I do not think so.
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254. I have seen her go
through bake sale brownies
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255. like a wood chipper.
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256. You give her a call.
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257. We'll give you some privacy.
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258. This could work.
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259. Willa Harris is so-so in the looks
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260. and popularity departments,
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261. she will not say no.
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262. - Willa. That's a cute name.
- Hey, it's Bobby.
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263. I was just wondering
if you'd be my date to Joseph's party.
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264. Mm-hm.
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265. All right.
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266. Come on. It'll be fun.
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267. Please? Please, please, please, please.
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268. Connie, don't hang up!
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269. I've got your favorite
chocolates right here.
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270. Assorted. The ones you love so much.
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271. Why can't you love me
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272. the way you love
these assorted chocolates?
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273. I'm sweet on you, Connie.
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274. Connie! I'm your little candy man.
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275. No!
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276. Hey, Bobby.
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277. I got to tell you, you're not
going to find happiness in there.
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278. I've tried.
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279. Uh...
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280. I'm not supposed to talk
to you, Mr. Dauterive.
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281. My mom gave me this whistle
in case you start giving me advice.
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282. Check out Bobby.
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283. Connie...
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284. You still miss her, don't you?
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285. You know, my only regret with Lenore
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286. is that I didn't make
that one last, grand,
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287. romantic gesture to win her back.
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288. Wait.
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289. So maybe it's not too late for me?
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290. - It's not.
- Maybe I don't have to end up like you?
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291. - You don't.
- All right!
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292. One time in math class,
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293. I chewed an eraser off my pencil
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294. and threw it at the back of your head.
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295. That was you?
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296. Yeah. Cool.
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297. Hey, Dad!
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298. Ugh!
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299. Not now, Joseph.
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300. I'm rounding first base here.
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301. The moment's ruined.
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302. Who wants to fall in love?
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303. Cupid is here.
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304. He's got one arrow left,
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305. and it's going straight
into Connie Souphanousinphone's heart.
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306. Ow!
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307. You shot her in the eye.
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308. Oh, gross! You licked it!
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309. What are you doing?
You're ruining my party.
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310. What?
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311. You wouldn't even be having this party
if it wasn't for me.
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312. You'd just be sitting alone, going,
"Dude, like, eh... I'm so bleh."
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313. Come on. Get...
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314. Watch it. You're pulling off the wings!
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315. Let go! I'm not leaving!
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316. I am not leaving
unless Connie leaves with me.
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317. - Bobby!
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318. Well, Bobby, it's better than wondering
"What if?"
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319. Hank, Bobby's been asleep for 15 hours.
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320. We have to do something to cheer him up,
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321. so I am taking his church shoes
to have taps put on them.
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322. That's just a Band-Aid, Peggy.
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323. We need to find a cure.
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324. Then teach him, Hank.
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325. Teach him to pitch woo.
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326. - I don't know how to do that.
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327. What did I do with you?
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328. Nothing. I did it all. As always.
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329. Bye.
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330. Boomhauer.
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331. Thanks, Boomhauer. Do whatever it takes.
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332. Put gel in his hair if you have to.
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333. Hank, where's Bobby?
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334. I got mine done, too.
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335. Don't worry. Bobby's in good hands.
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336. Boomhauer's going to fix everything
Bill broke.
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337. Boomhauer?
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338. Well, I try to shield you
from this kind of stuff, Peggy,
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339. but Boomhauer is pretty good
with the ladies.
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340. And he's agreed to show Bobby
some of his secrets.
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341. Hank, the man's longest relationship
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342. was a three-day weekend.
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343. What kind of secrets could he have?
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344. I don't know. He wouldn't tell me.
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345. Well, he could be doing anything.
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346. He could be taking Bobby to a pickup bar,
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347. or a Hooters.
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348. Oh, God!
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349. That's right, Hank.
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350. Ain't no worries, Little B.
We're gonna get you back on track.
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351. You know, gonna be talking about secret,
being strong enough for a man,
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352. but was made for a woman, you know?
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353. There really is a secret to getting women?
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354. Please, I need to know.
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355. I won't tell anyone. I swear. I swear.
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356. Hey, man. Ain't no jokes about here, man.
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357. We're talking about
you're gonna take a solemn oath, man.
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358. Talking about the Little B.
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359. I, Bobby Hill...
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360. Now, cross my dang old heart.
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361. Talking about pledge allegiance.
Tell you what, man.
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362. do solemnly swear...
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363. We should have given Bobby a pager.
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364. He might have become a drug dealer,
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365. but at least we would
always know where he is.
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366. Man, just talking about
an ol' dang ol' fishing magician, man.
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367. Talking about a dang ol' ta-da!
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368. What are we doing at Shelwyn's?
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369. I thought you were going
to show me your lady secrets.
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370. Mm-hm. Hmm?
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371. Hey, man, you just watch ol' B-dog,
and you'll learn, man.
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372. Hey, pretty lady, talking about
maybe I'll call you sometime.
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373. Yeah, I don't think so.
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374. Hey there, pretty lady,
how about talking about
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375. I could give you a call sometime.
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376. Oh, please.
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377. Hey, baby, you know I'm talking
about you look good on your feet,
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378. but look better on my bed.
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379. Talking about giving me them digits, man.
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380. Why don't you go home
and take another cologne bath?
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381. You just got blown off. Three times.
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382. Yeah, and so?
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383. Ow! It doesn't fit!
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384. Yeah, man. Maybe I go show you
something in a size Boom?
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385. Oh, you don't work here!
Get away from my feet!
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386. Hmm.
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387. Mm.
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388. Hey, that's Boomhauer's car.
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389. Yep, he always takes two spots.
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390. Yeah, man. Check it out, man.
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391. Went and entered
in my dang ol' palm pilot.
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392. But...
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393. But you got shot down by 23 women
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394. before you got that phone number.
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395. Ain't no thing.
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396. So this is your big secret?
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397. You just ask every woman you see
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398. until one of them finally says yes?
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399. Shh, man! You going to tell
my secret, man.
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400. You know what, Mr. Boomhauer?
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401. I'm pretty sure this is not the way
I'm going to find real love.
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402. Oh, man.
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403. What you talking about dang ol' "love"?
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404. Well, I guess Boomhauer's secret
isn't in housewares.
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405. And it's not in the portrait studio.
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406. Although I did see a very ugly baby there.
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407. This place is so boring.
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408. What's wrong with you?
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409. Ugh! Where do I start?
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410. You could start
with the shoehorn on your nose.
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411. You know, I honestly forgot
I still had it there.
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412. - Are you laughing at me or...
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413. Who cares? I'll take it.
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414. I'm Bobby.
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415. Debby.
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416. Debby with an I-E or Debby with a Y?
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417. - Y.
- Y with a Y,
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418. or with a W-H-Y?
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419. There he is.
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420. It is always the last place you look
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421. because after that,
there's no reason to keep looking.
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422. What are you guys doing here?
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423. Um... We... Buying shoes.
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424. Excuse me. Do you have these
in a size 16 and a half?
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425. Oh, your mom's funny, too.
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426. Hey, you want to go wear hats
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427. and pretend we're mannequins?
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428. Okay.
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429. Hey, Hank, Peggy, man. How you doing?
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430. I'm just in this store here
buying shoes for my mom, man.
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431. You know, Mother's Day
coming up, you know?
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432. She love them Jimmy Choo, you know, man?
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433. Look at my boy.
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434. Whoa, Boomhauer!
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435. That's the women's changing room.
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436. The men's is over there.
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437. Dang ol' man!
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438. Don't mention it.
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439. I owed you for fixing up my boy.
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440. I'm your little candy man.
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