King of the Hill 6x5

1. I'm sick of only seeing you in between classes.

2. I am this close to cracking open a book and taking Honors English.

3. Let's not waste these two minutes talking about what can never be.

4. Hey, you two.

5. You know the school policy.

6. No violence, no affection.

7. Damn it, Dale, are you stealing shingles again?

8. No, I got a pirate radio set at the swap meet,

9. so I will bring to this neighborhood a nonstop talk alternative,

10. a constant barrage of eye-opening conspiracies,

11. and ad-libbed innuendi.

12. Too bad there's only 24 hours in a day.

13. Or is there?

14. Tune into 84.372 to find out.

15. Put that crap on your own roof.

16. Ha! I played you like a set of spoons!

17. I only pretended to put it on your roof

18. so you'd be okay with it being on my roof.

19. Sucker.

20. Left brain workout over.

21. Begin right brain workout now!

22. Bobby, you better go.

23. If my dad catches you here,

24. he'll make me play that song he wrote about you.

25. Fat White Lump's about me?

26. Connie, you need to relax.

27. I brought my Game Boy.

28. Mm. I have to practice.

29. There's this new kid from Archer City who's gunning for first chair,

30. and they say he really knows how to bring it.

31. I do not hear beautiful music!

32. You think Yo-Yo Ma's father has to yell at him?

33. Bah!

34. Fat white lump!

35. A nefarious government plot

36. to store our nation's silver supply

37. in our mouths.

38. Children, I implore you, rip out your fillings!

39. This is 24-hour Gribble talk

40. serving the entire tri-house area.

41. Dale is a terrible radio personality.

42. Hey, we're listening to him.

43. He must be doing something right.

44. If he ran that fast at baseball tryouts...

45. Nah, he still can't hit for beans.

46. Where you hiding Jethro?

47. Under haystack in living room?

48. Whoa, whoa, hey, hey. I wouldn't allow that non-conforming putter

49. on the golf course,

50. and I certainly won't let you beat my son with it.

51. Yeah, yeah, I know, I'm a broiled ox penis.

52. You can't just order her to break up with him, Kahn.

53. Teenager's very rebellious.

54. Big reason I started dating you was to rebel against Papa.

55. I thought the General liked me.

56. No, he never think you're good enough.

57. For my sister, maybe, but not me.

58. We leave Laos to make better life for Connie.

59. And Bobby Hill ruin everything.

60. I am going to find a way to pry our truffle

61. out of that pig's snout.

62. Hey, neighbor!

63. It's the Bobby-Mobile Express to school.

64. Choo-choo!

65. Hop in.

66. No, thanks. I'd rather walk.

67. And I don't much care for walking,

68. so you can imagine how I feel about you right now.

69. Bobby, I'm reaching out.

70. Don't leave me hanging, big guy.

71. You and I may have many differences,

72. but we do have one thing in common.

73. We both want what's best for my little girl.

74. That's true.

75. I am glad to see we are on the same page.

76. So here's 300 dollars to break up with Connie.

77. Save that money for our wedding.

78. That's right. Steve Harvey isn't going to fly himself in from LA.

79. Bobby, deep inside those folds,

80. you must know that you and Connie do not belong together.

81. She is destined for Harvard,

82. you are destined for something less.

83. Maybe retail.

84. I will not end up behind a counter.

85. I will be a prop comic,

86. Connie will be a concert violinist,

87. and we will find a way to be on the road together.

88. That is the future!

89. I suggest you get used to it... Dad.

90. You think about it!

91. Three hundred dollars buy a lot of fake vomit for comedy act.

92. I can't believe my dad tried to bribe you.

93. Someday, I'm going to put him in such a second-tier nursing home.

94. Hey, lovebirds, no PDAs!

95. This is torture!

96. We can't hold hands in school,

97. we can't hold hands at home.

98. If we don't hold hands soon,

99. I'm going to lose it!

100. Mom! Dad!

101. Bobby broke up with me!

102. Wow. You have taught me the meaning of total surprise.

103. He said he liked me, but he wasn't "in like" with me.

104. I don't know about this.

105. - It's one thing to bribe a judge, but... - Don't you go soft on me.

106. Better she cry now for ten minutes

107. than spend 45 years crying that Bobby Hill

108. still not get promotion at dirt factory.

109. Sorry, sir.

110. Not at all.

111. Bobby!

112. He bought it, Connie.

113. We're free!

114. Gun it!

115. Finally, we can be alone.

116. Connie, will you hold my hand?

117. I'd love to.

118. If your dad knew he paid us 300 dollars

119. to hold hands and look at ourselves in a mirror,

120. he'd go crazy.

121. Good. He doesn't care about me at all.

122. All he cares about are my stupid grades.

123. Let's see how my dad likes it

124. when I'm too sad because you dumped me to pass my Bio midterm.

125. You're going to fail a test on purpose?

126. You have never been more beautiful to me

127. than you are right now.

128. After 60 hours on the air, folks,

129. I have to apologize.

130. That last caller was not the real Spiro Agnew,

131. although he did make some cogent points.

132. It's live talk radio, people.

133. Working without a net here.

134. Okay, our next caller from nearby McMaynerbury...

135. Oh, must be a windy day.

136. is, and this is quite an honor,

137. former Soviet premier Leonid Brezhnev!

138. C, C plus, two B minuses.

139. You really did it this time, son.

140. You set realistic goals, and you reached them.

141. Way to go!

142. With grades like that, you could become governor

143. and then president someday.

144. An F?

145. A minus is unacceptable in this house.

146. Even regular A, we're not so crazy about.

147. What's going on?

148. I'm so upset.

149. I can't concentrate.

150. The frog I had to dissect was looking at me

151. just like Bobby used to.

152. But don't worry.

153. Pretty soon, I'll be getting much better grades.

154. They're taking me out of honors Bio

155. and putting me in Life Skills class.

156. Huh, there it is again.

157. Now the proper way to clean your ears

158. is to gently swab around the rim.

159. Puncture the eardrum, and you'll hear a pop.

160. Followed by a lifetime of silence...

161. Is this it?

162. Is he going to say anything

163. about the anatomical structure of the ear?

164. No. Just the cleaning.

165. This is actually a review from yesterday.

166. Got that? Cotton swabs.

167. Passing notes, Connie?

168. "I'm so bored I could kill myself"?

169. Oh, my God!

170. I haven't seen you folks since Connie won the science fair.

171. Yeah, well, things have gone downhill since then.

172. We think she's suicidal.

173. No.

174. I caught her passing this note to Bobby.

175. I got to make sure your kids aren't planning some kind of

176. "I jump-you jump" Dungeons and Dragons crap.

177. This isn't a suicide note.

178. Connie's just bored.

179. I hope this is just a harmless note.

180. It's possible that Connie, for some reason,

181. just wasn't interested in my ear hygiene lecture.

182. But isn't it more likely

183. that she is a deeply troubled little girl, and this is her cry for help?

184. Connie don't need help. She perfect.

185. That's why we love her.

186. Perfect, huh?

187. I noticed Connie's grades have been slipping.

188. That's often a warning sign.

189. Kahn, you know what this is about.

190. Okay, okay, okay!

191. It's because Bobby dumped Connie.

192. What? They broke up?

193. Did you know about this?

194. Hank, I am not on trial here.

195. Kahn and Minh are,

196. and possibly Bobby and Connie, but not me.

197. Can I have some water?

198. It's all my fault!

199. I never think he good enough for my girl.

200. Now I realize Bobby Hill only thing keeping her alive.

201. Of all the kids you marched in here, Peterson,

202. you finally got one right.

203. We're going to have to give back that 300 bucks.

204. We've only got 280 left.

205. Where are we going to get 20 dollars?

206. Well, thank you, Carl.

207. Mom, Dad, I'm so sorry.

208. No, no, no. Shh.

209. All your mother and I ever want for you

210. is to be happy.

211. That's why we push you so hard.

212. And now you're not happy being away from Bobby Hill.

213. So we push you right back together with him.

214. Oh, yeah...

215. If I'm back together with Bobby, I won't want to kill myself.

216. Perfect!

217. Tonight, I take everyone out to fancy Italian dinner

218. at That's Amore.

219. I always have very strong feelings about Hill family.

220. Now, those feelings are of love.

221. All right, let's see.

222. I told you about sperm-count-lowering soft drinks.

223. Told you about Supercuts' catalog and DNA.

224. Running dry here.

225. Wait!

226. Is there any concrete evidence that Hawaii actually exists?

227. No, I already covered that.

228. - Hmm...

229. Does anyone remember The Drifters?

230. All these years, Bobby wasn't good enough for Connie.

231. Now, suddenly, Kahn's kissing our asses

232. like the paperboy at Christmas time.

233. I am not even sure Bobby should take her back.

234. As a person who has worked with children for many years,

235. I can tell you this,

236. the suicidal ones are trouble.

237. Connie's not suicidal.

238. She was just upset.

239. It's not like when we were kids, Peggy.

240. Teenagers in love today can get very emotional.

241. Which novelty tie goes better with this suit?

242. Piano or fish?

243. - Piano. - Piano.

244. They call this place That's Amore.

245. Ah, amore, love.

246. So perfect.

247. It is in the air tonight.

248. Now, let us drink to this young couple

249. while they kiss and make up.

250. Well, I don't know if all parents are biased

251. when they watch their kids kiss other kids,

252. but Bobby really is the better kisser.

253. Hey, it's Reunited by Peaches and Herb.

254. Come on, you two. Get out on dance floor.

255. Head on shoulder, very nice, all that jazz.

256. It's so creepy the way they keep staring at us.

257. On the plus side, now that he thinks you want to kill yourself,

258. he hasn't tried to kill me.

259. I must say, Bobby is very light on his feet

260. for a boy of his shape.

261. Like a young Jackie Gleason.

262. What Bobby doing tomorrow at six o'clock?

263. I scheduled Connie for a Bobby block

264. every night this week.

265. Let's see, yeah. Uh-huh.

266. Tomorrow at 6:00 it is.

267. Monday was the roller rink.

268. Tonight, we see Bathtub of Blood II.

269. Starring Julia Roberts' brother.

270. Dateline Arlen.

271. What hot young couple

272. her hot parents and his parents

273. were seen canoodling over noodles at Chow Main?

274. That's m-a-I-n, 6325 North...

275. Hey, Hank.

276. How about you and I

277. mosey over to refreshment stand

278. for long time?

279. Leave the lovebirds all alone.

280. Kissy kissy.

281. I thought they'd never leave.

282. What are you doing?

283. First time all week we've been alone,

284. and you're doing homework?

285. I'm not going to get into Harvard

286. watching slasher films.

287. You always hated it when your dad made you study,

288. and now you're doing it behind his back?

289. Bobby, I don't overachieve because my dad makes me.

290. I do it because...

291. Well, there are some very complicated psychological reasons

292. that I don't quite understand

293. because you keep talking!

294. Is it me or is it getting a little nerdy in here?

295. Thanks for paying for Milk Duds.

296. Well, just getting you back for the steak and lobster.

297. Hey, try putting some of those Duds in your popcorn.

298. It's wild.

299. Can't you stop talking about school?

300. I wish Joseph was here.

301. Now there's a guy who enjoys watching a good stabbing.

302. Well, I wish my violin was here.

303. At least I'd have something to carry on an intelligent conversation with.

304. I wish it was here so I could throw it out the window.

305. I'd like to see you try.

306. It would be Bobby Hill's last movement.

307. - Huh?

308. You don't even get it.

309. It's a music joke. "Movement."

310. Oh! My mind went right to poop.

311. It's always poop with you.

312. Why aren't windows all fogged up?

313. My God, what happened to the Mrs. IP Daily

314. I checked into the Jolly Roger with?

315. She doesn't want to have to pick a medical school

316. based on what clown college you get into!

317. Oh, stop it!

318. You're killing her!

319. Cock-a-doodle-doo, it's the Morning Zoo.

320. - Morning, baby.

321. Aw, you look sad.

322. You must be upset about fight with Bobby.

323. But that okay. I schedule hot air balloon ride for two of you.

324. I'm not sure I want to do anything with Bobby.

325. What?

326. No, no, no, no, no, no, no.

327. Come on.

328. We go deep-fry some peanut butter and banana sandwiches.

329. The fun we'll have.

330. Yeah, Kahn, you go fry your bananas.

331. Knock yourself out.

332. He can fry a banana sandwich pretty quick, so spill it.

333. Mom, I was never suicidal,

334. and Bobby and I never broke up.

335. We were only pretending so we could spend more time together.

336. You lied to us?

337. Yeah, but now that we spent all this time together,

338. I don't know if he's right for me.

339. Oh.

340. You know, honey, back in Laos,

341. I was dating Phoukong Vivarad.

342. He the Vice President of Acquisitions

343. for Ingersoll-Rand.

344. Such a comer.

345. The General love him like a son.

346. Then I met your dad.

347. At the National Science Museum.

348. Oh, that's just a story we tell.

349. Truth is, we meet at the discotheque.

350. He pull up on cherry moped wearing tight shiny shirt.

351. And that pompadour, whoo!

352. Daddy was a bad boy?

353. Boy, how the General hate him.

354. Push Phoukong on me like you wouldn't believe.

355. But I had to choose for myself.

356. The corporate boy or the bad boy?

357. Okay, you picked Dad because Grandpa hated him,

358. so I should stay with Bobby?

359. No. I picked your dad

360. because even though we very different,

361. I knew he was right for me.

362. I can't tell you if Bobby right for you or not.

363. Your dad can't tell you, either.

364. Only you can decide.

365. Well, folks, earlier, I made some comments

366. that were deemed insensitive by one of my key sponsors

367. Dale's Dead Bug, who pulled all his ads.

368. Coward.

369. And I can't drum up any new sales since I'm stuck behind

370. this microphone 24 hours a day.

371. So, I have been forced to sell the station

372. to Mexican interests.

373. Viva la revolución.

374. Octavio.

375. Buenos días, amigos.

376. Presentamos el rey de la polka...

377. Flaco jimenez, con De Bolón Pin Pon.

378. You look like you're thinking, son.

379. Is there something you want to talk to your mother about?

380. Dad, I'm thinking of calling it quits with Connie.

381. Again? Bobby, ladies don't like mind games and drama.

382. They like predictability.

383. I don't want to hurt her.

384. But I've never broken up with anyone before.

385. How do I do it?

386. Well, I've only been with your mom,

387. and we never broke up.

388. But I have fired people at Strickland Propane.

389. You got to be honest.

390. Tell them how they didn't meet your expectations

391. and promise them a good recommendation.

392. Hey, Connie.

393. You up for a game?

394. Uh, sure.

395. I'll be Lu Manchu. You be Daisy Wah.

396. You're terrible at this.

397. I know.

398. I hate video games.

399. I know.

400. Connie, I didn't just call you over here

401. because checkout's at 11:00.

402. Um...

403. Well, you've been a valuable part of the organization

404. for two years now, but, um...

405. - Are you firing me? - It's, um...

406. I think we should break up.

407. What?

408. But I came here to break up with you.

409. You're just saying that.

410. No, I mean it.

411. I composed a breakup letter and everything.

412. "Bobby, there are some fundamental differences

413. that suggest..."

414. My God, you are such a nerd!

415. I know.

416. And all you care about is having fun.

417. I know! And you don't.

418. I know!

419. I guess it's going to be kind of weird

420. not being boyfriend and girlfriend anymore.

421. Maybe a little.

422. But it's not like we hate each other.

423. No, no.

424. We're still friends, right?

425. Right, friends.

426. And still neighbors.

427. Sure. Unless you're moving.

428. I'm not going anywhere.

429. Neither am I.

430. We've still got 20 minutes left on the room.

431. Maybe we could hold hands one last time?

432. Fat white lump.