1. Oh, oh.Copy !req
2. See the tall one with braces?Copy !req
3. That's Amanda.Copy !req
4. Oh, I'd give anything to be
a flannel nightgown at that sleepover.Copy !req
5. It'll never happen.Copy !req
6. But I do have an unobstructed view
of hot girl-on-girl pillow-fight actionCopy !req
7. from my bedroom window.Copy !req
8. Not as good as the view from my roof
with my dad's thermal goggles.Copy !req
9. I'll be able to see their body heat.Copy !req
10. Later, Bobby.Copy !req
11. Lights out at 9:30.Copy !req
12. After that, no laughing, no singing.Copy !req
13. No flashlight, no ghost stories.Copy !req
14. No nothing except sleep!Copy !req
15. Also, you have to sign this.Copy !req
16. It says that we are not responsibleCopy !req
17. for any injury that might occur
during sleepover.Copy !req
18. Hmm. Mm-hm.Copy !req
19. Uh, Susan Clemmons, is it?Copy !req
20. You forgot to initial here!Copy !req
21. Okay. Enjoy sleepover.Copy !req
22. Dang! Show's over!Copy !req
23. Huh? What are you doing?Copy !req
24. What part of the contract
didn't you understand?Copy !req
25. Give me the pillows!Copy !req
26. That's it, Susan.Copy !req
27. Hide the pillow.Copy !req
28. - Good girl. Oh!
- Come on!Copy !req
29. Cough it up!Copy !req
30. You're not gonna sleep now, are you?Copy !req
31. I'd leave now.Copy !req
32. But I already paid your dad
for the continental breakfast.Copy !req
33. Yeah.Copy !req
34. Bobby!Copy !req
35. Honest, Connie. I wasn't watching.Copy !req
36. Bobby, my party's dying.Copy !req
37. - Can you come over?
- Yes!Copy !req
38. Ooh, Bobby! Take it off!Copy !req
39. Give the girls what they paid for.Copy !req
40. Oh, my God!Copy !req
41. Yeah!Copy !req
42. Shake it, baby.Copy !req
43. Oh, give me some motion.Copy !req
44. Oh, yeah!Copy !req
45. She's got nice ones.Copy !req
46. Go, Bobby!Copy !req
47. Hey, what are you doing?Copy !req
48. This is a sleepover!Copy !req
49. Not a "play-music-loud-all-night over."Copy !req
50. What's Chang Wasanasom doing here?Copy !req
51. I might have told him
you were having a sleepover.Copy !req
52. What's up, ladies?Copy !req
53. Beat it, Wasanasom!Copy !req
54. Check it out. It's "Booby" Hill.Copy !req
55. When God was passing out wit,
you thought he said zit.Copy !req
56. And you asked for seconds.Copy !req
57. Now, out the window!Copy !req
58. We're not going anywhere.Copy !req
59. We came for a pillow fight.Copy !req
60. Connie's dad took them all.Copy !req
61. Then how about just fight?Copy !req
62. - What was that? What...Copy !req
63. No boys in slumber party!Copy !req
64. Oh, hey, Chang.Copy !req
65. How you doing?Copy !req
66. How's your dad?Copy !req
67. Still on membership committee
at Nine River Country Club?Copy !req
68. Yes, sir, Mr. Soup.Copy !req
69. We were just walking by.Copy !req
70. And we saw Bobby sneaking in the window.Copy !req
71. And I wanted to make sure Connie was okay.Copy !req
72. Bobby Hill, out the window!Copy !req
73. Chang, you and your friends
may use the door.Copy !req
74. Uh...Copy !req
75. All right, guys.Copy !req
76. The girls aren't here.Copy !req
77. We don't have to pretend to be tough.Copy !req
78. Come on. I live next door.Copy !req
79. All I have to do is scream,Copy !req
80. and my dad will be on you
like flies on pie.Copy !req
81. If you eat some dirt,
then maybe I'll leave you alone.Copy !req
82. But I don't want to eat any dirt.Copy !req
83. Well, maybe just a little.Copy !req
84. Mmm.Copy !req
85. Yum, that's good dirt.Copy !req
86. You didn't eat any.Copy !req
87. Dad! Dad! Dad!Copy !req
88. Vaya con Dios.Copy !req
89. Help!Copy !req
90. Bobby?Copy !req
91. - What have you been eating?
- Dirt.Copy !req
92. Chang Wasanasom made me eat dirt!Copy !req
93. He beat me up!Copy !req
94. I'll get some ice.Copy !req
95. Don't worry, Dad.Copy !req
96. I'll find out Chang's addressCopy !req
97. so you can go over there
and make his dad eat dirt.Copy !req
98. Bobby, remember
when you were ten years old,Copy !req
99. and I pulled that big girl off you
at the park?Copy !req
100. Well, that's not happening anymore.Copy !req
101. There is only one person
who can fight your battles for you.Copy !req
102. And I know you don't want to hear this.Copy !req
103. But that person is you.Copy !req
104. Look at me!Copy !req
105. This can't fight.Copy !req
106. Well, then take a boxing course
at the YMCA.Copy !req
107. You can learn anything at the Y.Copy !req
108. That's where I learned how to fight.Copy !req
109. You know, that's also
where I learned to swim.Copy !req
110. So, taking those boxing lessons
kept the bullies from picking on you?Copy !req
111. Bullies picking on me?Copy !req
112. Uh...Copy !req
113. Well, yeah. Sure. Why not?Copy !req
114. I'm sorry. Boxing is full.Copy !req
115. But I can put you on the wait list.Copy !req
116. People are always getting hurt.Copy !req
117. You've got to help me defend myself
from Chang Wasanasom.Copy !req
118. There is one other class.Copy !req
119. But it wouldn't be right for you.Copy !req
120. There's nothing about the YMCA
that's right for me.Copy !req
121. But until I'm famous enough
to afford my own bodyguard,Copy !req
122. I am going to have to learn
how to defend myself.Copy !req
123. Now, do your job, sir!Copy !req
124. Every one of you in this class
is heavily armed right now.Copy !req
125. That's right. Your keychain, your fists,
that huge engagement ring.Copy !req
126. Um, are you sure
you're in the right class?Copy !req
127. This is women's self-defense.Copy !req
128. Please, miss.Copy !req
129. All the other courses are full.Copy !req
130. I'm sorry. It's for women only.Copy !req
131. We're trying to maintain
a certain comfort level here.Copy !req
132. But I hate men as much as you.Copy !req
133. I don't hate men.Copy !req
134. I just hate being a victim.Copy !req
135. I hate being a victim, too.Copy !req
136. Look, I was at a girls' slumber party
last nightCopy !req
137. when three men pushed me
to the ground and made me eat dirt.Copy !req
138. Okay, you can stay.Copy !req
139. Now, grab a whistle
and prepare to be empowered!Copy !req
140. Most women who are attacked
are subdued by verbal threats.Copy !req
141. Today we're going to get
used to hearing these threats,Copy !req
142. keeping our cool,
and practicing some responses of our ownCopy !req
143. to the most vulnerable areas
of a man's anatomy.Copy !req
144. Shut up and give me your purse!Copy !req
145. I don't know you! That's my purse!Copy !req
146. Okay.Copy !req
147. I want everybody to try it.Copy !req
148. You first.Copy !req
149. See? I don't hate men.Copy !req
150. Give me your purse now!Copy !req
151. That's my purse...Copy !req
152. Don't be afraid to shout it.
That's my purse!Copy !req
153. Try it again.Copy !req
154. That's my purse!Copy !req
155. I don't know you!Copy !req
156. All right!Copy !req
157. What did you get for number five
on the test?Copy !req
158. - D.
- D?Copy !req
159. I thought you wrote B.Copy !req
160. Hey, Booby.Copy !req
161. Connie, when you kiss this loser,
do you still taste dirt?Copy !req
162. No. Not anymore.Copy !req
163. Jerk!Copy !req
164. You asked her about the dirt,
she answered.Copy !req
165. I don't think we have any more business.Copy !req
166. Don't smart-mouth me, Hill!Copy !req
167. - Oh!
- Hey!Copy !req
168. - Get away from me.Copy !req
169. "Get away from me."Copy !req
170. Come on, eat some dirt.Copy !req
171. Let go of my purse!Copy !req
172. Huh?Copy !req
173. I don't know you!Copy !req
174. - Who's next?Copy !req
175. Mom! Dad!Copy !req
176. Chang was waiting for me after school.Copy !req
177. Did you remember to tell him
that inside every bully there's a coward?Copy !req
178. That's okay, Peggy. I don't see any blood.Copy !req
179. No dirt.Copy !req
180. You ran away, didn't you?Copy !req
181. No. I stayed and fought.Copy !req
182. And I won!Copy !req
183. This is so much cooler
than getting beat up!Copy !req
184. Well, all right, son!Copy !req
185. You know, that Chang Wasanasom must know
all kinds of Oriental martial arts.Copy !req
186. And you beat him
with good ol' American YMCA know-how.Copy !req
187. Yeah. We're all excited.Copy !req
188. But before you get too carried away,Copy !req
189. I should let you know
that I got detention tomorrow.Copy !req
190. Detention for beating up a bully?Copy !req
191. Well, I'd say somebody's earned himself
a trip to a PG-13-rated movie.Copy !req
192. My dad says that
whenever you're in a jail-type situation,Copy !req
193. the best way to survive is
to take out the biggest guy there.Copy !req
194. That way, you establish who's boss
right from the get-go.Copy !req
195. Or you can hang yourself with your pants.Copy !req
196. He says that's another way to go.Copy !req
197. Which one of you guys is the tallest?Copy !req
198. - That's my purse!Copy !req
199. - I don't know you!Copy !req
200. Uh-oh. It's the metal-shop kids.Copy !req
201. If they hassle us, just run.Copy !req
202. They won't be able to catch us
because they smoke.Copy !req
203. Hey, Bobby, play any kickball today?Copy !req
204. Why?Copy !req
205. Are you up for a game?Copy !req
206. Just saying hi.Copy !req
207. Just saying hi.Copy !req
208. Why are they scared?Copy !req
209. You didn't kick another person
in the groin, did you?Copy !req
210. Three people.Copy !req
211. Hey, I didn't go looking for trouble.Copy !req
212. Trouble came a-knocking,
and Bobby Hill's foot answered the door.Copy !req
213. You know, Bobby, I kind of liked it betterCopy !req
214. when you used to play dead
or joked your way out of a tight spot.Copy !req
215. I'm sorry. What were you saying?Copy !req
216. Tony Zamarti is wide open right now.Copy !req
217. Hey, Peters.Copy !req
218. You giving my friend here a hard time?Copy !req
219. Back off.Copy !req
220. This is none of your business, Bobby.Copy !req
221. Oh, I'm making it my business, Peters.Copy !req
222. What are you gonna do?Copy !req
223. You gonna kick me in the nads?Copy !req
224. Am I gonna do it? Yes.Copy !req
225. When am I gonna do it?Copy !req
226. Don't know.Copy !req
227. Could be tomorrow...Copy !req
228. - Now!Copy !req
229. One thing you'll find out about me, Clark,
is that I'm not a very patient person.Copy !req
230. Hiyah!Copy !req
231. I wish I'd called you folks here
under pleasanter circumstances,Copy !req
232. but I'm afraid your son's been caught
fighting again on the school grounds.Copy !req
233. Well, first of all,
my son was just defending himself.Copy !req
234. And second of all, I do consider
these pleasant circumstances.Copy !req
235. Emily, send Bobby in.Copy !req
236. Bobby, you want to tell your parents
how you won your fight?Copy !req
237. Which one?Copy !req
238. - The one against Chang?
- Sure.Copy !req
239. Okay.Copy !req
240. Well, there I was,
standing in front of Chang.Copy !req
241. It didn't look good.Copy !req
242. I mean, let's face it.Copy !req
243. He's faster and stronger than me.Copy !req
244. So, if I was gonna beat this guy,
I had to act fast.Copy !req
245. Smart thinking, son.Copy !req
246. So, I faked to my left.Copy !req
247. But he got a hold of me
and knocked me down.Copy !req
248. Down but not out, I yelled,Copy !req
249. "Let go of my purse!"
at the top of my lungs.Copy !req
250. Then, with all my might, I kicked him
as hard as I could in his testicles.Copy !req
251. - What?
- Tell your parentsCopy !req
252. about the Clark Peters fight.Copy !req
253. - So, there I was standing...
- Just skip to the end of the fight.Copy !req
254. You mean before or after I kicked him
in the testicles?Copy !req
255. Bobby, I...Copy !req
256. Where in the heck
did you learn to do that?Copy !req
257. At the women's self-defense course
I signed up for at the Y.Copy !req
258. Women's self-defense?Copy !req
259. What did I do?Copy !req
260. It was your idea to send him
to the Y in the first place,Copy !req
261. so, I could point the finger at you.Copy !req
262. But I won't.Copy !req
263. But I could.Copy !req
264. Oh.Copy !req
265. I'm afraid we're gonna have to suspend
Bobby from school for a couple days.Copy !req
266. Hank, can I talk to you alone?Copy !req
267. I mean, not as principal to parent,
but, you know, man to man.Copy !req
268. Uh, sure.Copy !req
269. You can't have your boy going around
kicking people in their testicles.Copy !req
270. I know that, Carl.Copy !req
271. This, Bobby, is the belt line.Copy !req
272. You never ever hit below that.Copy !req
273. Always above.Copy !req
274. Never below.Copy !req
275. Cassius Clay never hit below the belt.Copy !req
276. But, Dad, if I'm in a fight with someone
who wants me to literally eat dirt,Copy !req
277. you're telling me I shouldn't do
the one thing that's gonna save me.Copy !req
278. Boom!Copy !req
279. You learned a move
in a woman's self-defense class.Copy !req
280. You are not a woman.Copy !req
281. But it works.Copy !req
282. Son,Copy !req
283. I'm gonna show you
how to fight above the belt.Copy !req
284. Here. They're my old YMCA gloves.Copy !req
285. - Put them on.
- Okay.Copy !req
286. Now, Bobby, just to warn you,Copy !req
287. you're probably gonna have
to take a couple of shotsCopy !req
288. before you learn
how to protect yourself properly.Copy !req
289. Now, get your gloves up like this.Copy !req
290. Good.Copy !req
291. Ow.Copy !req
292. - Huh?
- Keep your hands up, Bobby,Copy !req
293. and move a little.Copy !req
294. Don't just stand there like a pole.Copy !req
295. - Come on. Come on.Copy !req
296. - Oh. Hey!
- Come on. You're not moving.Copy !req
297. I am too!Copy !req
298. I'm backing away from you.Copy !req
299. Come on, from side to side, son.
Like this. See?Copy !req
300. Huh? Come on. Come on.Copy !req
301. Here we go.Copy !req
302. Okay. Okay, now try to hit me
with a punch as hard as you can.Copy !req
303. - Come on.Copy !req
304. If you leave your face open,
you're gonna get popped.Copy !req
305. See? See?Copy !req
306. Pop. Pop. See?Copy !req
307. You left yourself open, Dad.Copy !req
308. - Pop-pop!Copy !req
309. You have been kicked in the testicles.Copy !req
310. Oh.Copy !req
311. I palpated the left teste,
and everything checks out.Copy !req
312. There's gonna be quite a bit of swelling
for a few days.Copy !req
313. Well, what about the other one?Copy !req
314. Well, we can't find it right now.Copy !req
315. No need to panic, though.Copy !req
316. I'm sure it's there.Copy !req
317. It'll probably make an appearance
when the swelling goes down.Copy !req
318. Man, lie still, man.Copy !req
319. You know, don't try
to move, man, because...Copy !req
320. Kicking all them nuts, man, you know.Copy !req
321. Let alone testicles.Copy !req
322. Don't move, man.Copy !req
323. Dad, I thought maybe
you'd like some ice cream.Copy !req
324. I'm sorry about what happened.Copy !req
325. But when you hit me in the nose...Copy !req
326. You mean the nose above your belt?Copy !req
327. If I remember correctly, and your shot
below my belt hasn't affected my memory,Copy !req
328. I was teaching you
how to fight above the belt.Copy !req
329. It was the way I learned
how to defend myself.Copy !req
330. By kicking me in my fellows?Copy !req
331. Dirty pool, mister.Copy !req
332. Dirty pool.Copy !req
333. Now, let's discuss your punishment.Copy !req
334. Punishment? For what?Copy !req
335. You told me to go to the Y
and learn to defend myself, and I did.Copy !req
336. No television, no video games,
and no ice cream until further notice.Copy !req
337. That's not fair!Copy !req
338. You can't do that!Copy !req
339. I'll tell you what I can't do.Copy !req
340. Sleep on my stomach!Copy !req
341. But I can sure as heck punish you.Copy !req
342. Bill, toss me a beer.Copy !req
343. I have to take my anti-coagulant.Copy !req
344. I live in constant fear of the day
Joseph finally can take down his old man.Copy !req
345. If I were him,
I'd do it while I was sleeping.Copy !req
346. Best chance he's got.Copy !req
347. Although, I've recently learned
how to sleep with my eyes open.Copy !req
348. God, am I tired.Copy !req
349. I wish I had a son to kick me in the nuts.Copy !req
350. Be careful what you wish for.Copy !req
351. Yeah. Well, I promise you,
Bobby's sorry he ever did that.Copy !req
352. Right now, he's out back pulling weeds.Copy !req
353. No gloves and no Weasel.Copy !req
354. Ragweed for m'lady.Copy !req
355. Where have you been?Copy !req
356. Word in the halls is you got suspended
for kicking Principal Moss in the crotch.Copy !req
357. What? No!Copy !req
358. That's crazy.Copy !req
359. I kicked my dad in the crotch.Copy !req
360. You kicked your father?Copy !req
361. We all have those feelings, Bobby,
but you never act on them.Copy !req
362. I heard what you did to Chang Wasanasom.Copy !req
363. Unforgivable!Copy !req
364. Then I heard what you did to your father.Copy !req
365. Very funny.Copy !req
366. So, I'm conflicted.Copy !req
367. Well, my dad didn't think it was funny.Copy !req
368. So he's given me a million chores to do.Copy !req
369. What? The old man punishing you?Copy !req
370. You don't have to take that from him.Copy !req
371. Until he can get up from that chair,
you the boss!Copy !req
372. That better not be what I think it is.Copy !req
373. And I think it's a Game Boy.Copy !req
374. Is it a Game Boy?Copy !req
375. Yeah, Dad. It's a Game Boy.Copy !req
376. That's a video game.
I told you, no video games.Copy !req
377. Give it to me.Copy !req
378. Hold on. I'm almost done.Copy !req
379. Now.Copy !req
380. In a minute.Copy !req
381. If you don't bring that to me right now...Copy !req
382. In a minute. In a minute.Copy !req
383. Get back here!Copy !req
384. God, the pain is unbearable.Copy !req
385. All right, mister, you've got one minute!Copy !req
386. Ooh. Ah.Copy !req
387. Dang it, Bobby,
it has been at least a minute.Copy !req
388. You started a new game, didn't you?Copy !req
389. Yes.Copy !req
390. We had a deal!Copy !req
391. Hank, what is going on?Copy !req
392. I'm punishing Bobby.Copy !req
393. I'm not gonna ask you again.Copy !req
394. Give me that god dang video game!Copy !req
395. Not now.Copy !req
396. I'm dealing with a giant spider here.Copy !req
397. Bobby Hill, you give your father that game
and you do it right now!Copy !req
398. That's okay. I got it under control.Copy !req
399. He's gonna give me the game.Copy !req
400. Soon. Soon.Copy !req
401. I'm almost bored with it.Copy !req
402. Why don't you go inside?
I'll find you later.Copy !req
403. Come on.Copy !req
404. Hand it over!Copy !req
405. Mom, this is between Dad and me.Copy !req
406. And I'll give him the Game Boy
when I decide I'm ready to.Copy !req
407. That is it!Copy !req
408. I would not let a stranger,
let alone my own son,Copy !req
409. think for one secondCopy !req
410. that they can get away
with showing any disrespectCopy !req
411. towards the man that I love!Copy !req
412. You do that,
and you have to deal with Peggy Hill.Copy !req
413. What are you doing, Mom?Copy !req
414. What are you doing?Copy !req
415. Come on, Mom. Don't.Copy !req
416. Game over, Bobby.Copy !req
417. Come on. That's it.Copy !req
418. Come on, show me what you got.Copy !req
419. Give me that Game Boy!Copy !req
420. Give me that...Copy !req
421. No!Copy !req
422. - Come here, you little, got you!
- Oh!Copy !req
423. Come to Mama.Copy !req
424. That's right.Copy !req
425. And I have...Copy !req
426. Oh, yeah!Copy !req
427. That's mine.Copy !req
428. Give it back!Copy !req
429. - In a minute.
- Oh!Copy !req
430. That's my purse!Copy !req
431. Hey!Copy !req
432. Uh... Huh?Copy !req
433. Uh-huh. That's right, Bobby.Copy !req
434. I believe you will find
that I have no testicles.Copy !req
435. Where's your secret weapon now, huh?Copy !req
436. She's bluffing. Finish her!Copy !req
437. I'm sorry, Mom.Copy !req
438. It was a reflex.Copy !req
439. Mom, okay.Copy !req
440. I said I was sorry!Copy !req
441. All right. Peggy, let him go.Copy !req
442. Dinner in 10:00.Copy !req
443. Well, I guess next time,
you won't try to take on your old man.Copy !req
444. What are you so proud about?Copy !req
445. You had to get Mom
to fight your battle for you.Copy !req
446. That's worse than me kicking
below the belt.Copy !req
447. Yeah.Copy !req
448. It's not so fun
when someone doesn't fight fair, is it?Copy !req
449. Just remember,
I can get her to do that anytime I want.Copy !req
450. Peggy?Copy !req
451. Is there a problem out there, Hank?Copy !req
452. - We'll be right in.Copy !req
453. Now, go wash up.Copy !req
454. Okay, deep breath.Copy !req
455. That's my purse! I don't know you!Copy !req