King of the Hill 5x8

Directed by Jeff Myers

Breckin Meyer as Joseph Gribble (voice) • Ryan Phillippe as Wally (voice) • Kathryn Harrold as (voice) • David Herman as Postal Worker (voice)

Bill counters his holiday loneliness by becoming a generous Santa, attracting a nice single mother and a young slacker who takes advantage.

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Subtitle languages: English • Spanish • Brazilian Portuguese

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1. Now, I've cleared a space

2. 12 x 8 x 14 to hide Bobby's Christmas present.

3. So when we're at the store

4. keep an eye out for a gift that size.

5. Last Christmas, I hid Joseph's gift so well

6. I still haven't found it.

7. Cutest little puppy.

8. Or should I say dog?

9. Yeah...

10. nothing like the face of a child on Christmas morning.

11. What's it like?

12. It's the single greatest thing on Earth.

13. That is, except for all the hundreds of special moments

14. that any dad shares with his child.

15. Sounds nice.

16. Well... I guess I'll just go home...

17. all by myself and eat a pot pie.

18. Today is turkey.

19. See ya!

20. Hey, Bill.

21. You know, I've got some errands to run today...

22. going to the post office.

23. Why don't you come along?

24. Oh, come on, it'll be fun.

25. You can take a five dollar bill

26. and put it in the change machine.

27. Pretend you're in Las Vegas. Ka-ching.

28. Woo! Look at all that mail.

29. I haven't gotten so much as a letter in six weeks.

30. Well, it's a busy time of year.

31. They're probably just backed up, or...

32. or maybe they lost it.

33. Yeah, you're right!

34. My name is Bill Dauterive,

35. and apparently, you have lost my mail.

36. I'll check in the back.

37. Uh, look,

38. about my friend's lost mail...

39. you're not going to find it.

40. I know that.

41. We just walk to the back for show.

42. You know, you may want to check

43. William Dauterive, too.

44. Bill is short for William.

45. If you want mail, we've got these bags in the corner.

46. Those are letters addressed to Santa Claus.

47. You know, we're always looking for volunteers to take one or two

48. and buy a gift to make a needy kid happy.

49. Well, what a great idea.

50. I think I'll take one myself.

51. How about you, Bill? You'd make a great Santa.

52. And that's not a fat joke.

53. You really think so?

54. This guy seems a little... off.

55. Bill's great with kids.

56. It's adults and holidays he seems to have a problem with.

57. Has anyone seen where I put my Scotch tape?

58. Did you check under my chin?

59. You know, you fall for Dale's beard of tape every year, Peggy.

60. Yes, yes, I do,

61. and I'm always a good sport about it.

62. My first wrapping party.

63. Ow! I just cut my finger.

64. Deep.

65. It doesn't compare to the pain of previous years

66. when I didn't have any kids to wrap for.

67. Matthew said he likes music

68. so I got him a trombone.

69. I can't wait to see the expression on his face.

70. You don't give the gifts yourself.

71. You buy them, you wrap them,

72. then we mail them and put the return address as "North Pole."

73. Oh... Does the mailman at least dress as Santa?

74. - No. - He doesn't?

75. Every kid should get to see Santa.

76. Oh, my God.

77. It's snowing.

78. It's snowing!

79. Wow! Well, what the...

80. You know, Peggy, it is snowing.

81. That is not snow. It's 64 degrees.

82. Oh, well, that is the foam that they spray on runways

83. when jumbo jets are about to crash.

84. Bobby! Get in here!

85. Whoo! Whoa!

86. Now, are you going to open this before Christmas?

87. No, sir.

88. Good, good. You're a very good boy.

89. Open it! Open it!

90. Thank you, Santa.

91. The kids haven't had a real Christmas

92. since their father left.

93. Can't I pay you for these things?

94. Oh, what... what would Santa need money for?

95. My elves make all the toys.

96. I mean...

97. Ho, ho, ho.

98. Rented snow machines, all these lights...

99. it's like a carnival.

100. I wonder how Jesus feels about this.

101. It's Christmas, and Bill's happy?

102. I'll tell you how Jesus feels,

103. great.

104. Hey, this is perfect.

105. Tomorrow, Christmas service falls right between

106. the Aloha Bowl and the Oahu Bowl.

107. And we can top the whole day off with the Christmas Smackdown.

108. Christmas... Smackdown.

109. Here it is.

110. Hey, Dennis Rodman is going to be a guest referee.

111. Boy, you know that guy's catching a folding chair to the head.

112. - The Worm. - Oh, wait a second.

113. Sorry, Bobby... it's rated TV-14.

114. The last time I checked, you were still 13.

115. Oh, come on, Dad. I tell you what...

116. I'll just close my eyes when things get too... colorful.

117. Nice try, mister, but I've seen the way you watch TV.

118. You never blink.

119. Ho, ho, ho! Merry Christmas!

120. Better honk, Dad.

121. It won't feel like Christmas Day

122. if we miss "The Little Drummer Boy."

123. I'm doing the best I can.

124. Wait a minute... you're being sarcastic.

125. You don't have any interest

126. in seeing that little boy play his heart out, do you?

127. Nope.

128. Valet parking is five dollars.

129. Valet of the Dale's is not responsible for lost or stolen articles.

130. Dale, I'm just going to park in my driveway.

131. That lot's full,

132. but Bill says I can put overflow parking poolside at Luanne's house.

133. Octavio!

134. La bamba le automobilo.

135. No scratcho. Comprende?

136. Out of the way.

137. Hey! You're back!

138. Oh, I, I have got to find some way

139. to thank you for everything.

140. Does Santa like chicken?

141. Mmm, fried, jerked, broiled or boiled.

142. Well, after the holidays,

143. I'm going to cook you a homemade chicken dinner.

144. Will you eat it with me, too?

145. Oh, Bill, I could just wrap you up.

146. Oh...

147. Ho, ho, ho.

148. Ho, ho, ho.

149. - And she made the date with him? - Ho, ho, ho.

150. Yup. They're going to have chicken.

151. - Ho, ho, ho. - Well... I suppose we can suffer

152. through this racket if it means Bill will be spending time

153. - with a woman who knows he's there. - Ho, ho, ho.

154. Yeah, and it's just till New Year's.

155. - Ho, ho, ho. - Then it all comes down.

156. Mm-hmm. You know what?

157. We can just pretend that all that noise

158. is the ocean.

159. Ho, ho, ho.

160. Yes, it's working.

161. Ho, ho, ho.

162. Looks like it's going to be a great New Year.

163. Notre Dame lost, Bill had a great Christmas,

164. and now he's taking down his decorations

165. instead of trying to hang himself with them.

166. Looks like he hired professionals.

167. Or very dedicated amateurs.

168. Huh.

169. What the...

170. They start the Christmas season earlier and earlier each year.

171. Oh! Ow! Oh!

172. Hey, guys, take off your shoes.

173. Come on in!

174. I'll tell you, January is the month

175. to rent a Santa bounce house.

176. I got a hell of a deal.

177. Come on, how about taking all this down?

178. Yeah. Yeah, that's a great idea. I'll help.

179. No, no, no!

180. I can't take down Santa's Village.

181. You see how happy those kids are?

182. Jump!

183. Well, they do like jumping.

184. Yeah. And someone I have a lot of respect for

185. once told me that Christmas is about giving and love.

186. Yeah, we all got Boomhauer's Christmas card, too...

187. last month, in December.

188. Hank, there'll be plenty of time

189. for these kids to be beaten down by life.

190. But if I can help bring a little extra joy

191. and love into their worlds now, shouldn't I?

192. Why do you hate love, Hank?

193. Hee-yaw! Yeee!

194. Well, so much for my New Year's resolution.

195. Who says a mustache has to go across the whole lip?

196. Ho, ho, ho!

197. Happy Martin Luther King Jr. Day!

198. Hey, why don't you kids celebrate

199. by taking a spin in my bounce house?

200. Hm? Have you been talking to my dad?

201. Well, guess what. We're not little kids.

202. We don't jump in bouncy houses.

203. Oh...

204. Oh, dear.

205. Oh, hey! You're right on time.

206. Oh, you're still doing this?

207. Mm-hmm. Yeah. Just around the house.

208. They won't let me on the Army base like this anymore.

209. So! Where are the kids?

210. Uh... Sam and Emma, right?

211. I got a babysitter.

212. - I thought we might... - Hey, mind if I knock off early?

213. I don't think any kids are coming by today.

214. Oh, okay.

215. See you tomorrow morning, 9:00 sharp.

216. That's the Arlen Midget.

217. He comes with the bounce house.

218. Shall we?

219. You know, why don't you enjoy the chicken?

220. You can just keep the dish.

221. Yeah, but you and the kids are still coming over

222. Sunday night for haircuts, right?

223. I like their hair long.

224. But...

225. No!

226. You should have used cold water.

227. Yeah, but that doesn't get enough of the stains out.

228. Hi. I'm the Milton Street Santa.

229. I'm Wally.

230. Hey, Santa, can you lend me two bucks for the dryer?

231. Sure. Which one's yours?

232. Oh, I got them soaking in a place a few blocks away,

233. but nobody there had the Christmas spirit if you know what I mean.

234. Of course I do.

235. I got a lot of blue jeans in there.

236. You ever wear wet blue jeans?

237. Man! This is the best Christmas ever.

238. Bill...

239. why don't you take Marilyn out someplace nice

240. for Valentine's Day?

241. Women like Valentine's Day.

242. They find it romantic.

243. Marilyn's gone.

244. Oh, of course she is.

245. Uh...

246. you know, Bill, even Troy Aikman takes off his uniform after the Super Bowl.

247. How do you know?

248. Aw, dude, do that outside.

249. Sam?

250. Emma?

251. Hey, Santa, remember me?

252. It's Wally... the little boy from the laundromat.

253. What are you doing here?

254. Hey, I hope you don't mind. I...

255. I told my buddies how cool you were, and they all had to meet you.

256. Yeah. Can we have some money?

257. He means candy canes.

258. I'm out of canes, but I still have ten pounds

259. of Rice Krispies Treats shaped like reindeer.

260. What the...

261. Now, who...

262. Heineken?

263. Nice pool. What sat we jump in

264. and see what floats?

265. Just keep your beer cans off of my lawn.

266. And quit trying to read my T-shirts.

267. You lose something over here?

268. I am making a citizen's arrest for trespassing.

269. I don't think so.

270. Believe me, I've done it before.

271. Well, how did you get Bill's key chain?

272. Okay, you're under arrest for theft, too.

273. He gave it to me.

274. Now, get off our property or I'll citizen arrest you.

275. Damn it, when Bill comes home...

276. "Weh Beh guh hum..."

277. What the hell are you doing?

278. "Whu de huh ur da doon?"

279. The thing is, I did something today.

280. What is it, Wally?

281. Well, I bought you a gift.

282. It's a belt sander.

283. There's something else.

284. What? You can tell me.

285. You can tell me anything.

286. I kind of lied to the guy at the hardware store.

287. I told him I was getting this for my dad.

288. Here.

289. Ohh.

290. You could make a Japanese rock garden where that tire mark is.

291. I know a Japanese guy who might have some rocks.

292. Oh, hey, guys.

293. We were just at the grocery store, and Wally did the cutest thing.

294. What did he do? Did he ride a unicycle?

295. Did he juggle?

296. Did he find an adorable way to peel out on my lawn?

297. No, Hank.

298. I'm not saying my Wally isn't a handful,

299. but I like a kid with spirit.

300. And as for your lawn, it's my responsibility

301. and I will resod the damaged area.

302. Fair enough?

303. Fair enough.

304. - MAN Sentor Edward... - He blocked the channel guide.

305. Now I don't even know what I'm missing.

306. MAN Senator Finkel. Aye.

307. Senator Feinstein.

308. My dad is pushing

309. every one of my buttons.

310. I believe you guys are first-time callers,

311. so I'm only going to charge you a buck.

312. For what?

313. Beer.

314. We'd better go.

315. Why? Because beer's not TV-14?

316. Set me up, my man.

317. What's the matter?

318. 40 ounces for a buck is a good deal.

319. Oh, yeah. I just usually drink 30 ouncers,

320. but hey, it's the weekend.

321. Come here.

322. Just think, Connie girl,

323. when we're grown-ups and marrieds

324. we'll get to do this every night.

325. Yeah, I want a house just like this...

326. with soft floors and plastic windows.

327. Look at the stars.

328. There's...

329. so many of them.

330. Yeah. Cool.

331. You know the best way to sober up?

332. Bounce around a lot... get it out of your system.

333. Bobby?

334. Hey, Dad!

335. I like beer!

336. You, you and you!

337. Go home, now!

338. You! Get the hell out of here!

339. That does it.

340. I've had about enough of this Christmas crap. Bill.

341. Dang it, Bill!

342. Some of us are trying to raise kids in this neighborhood.

343. Good kids.

344. The kind that don't try to kill their parents in their sleep.

345. Kids like Bobby.

346. Wally would never kill me. He told me so,

347. and that kind of communication is very important

348. in a father-son style relationship.

349. What...

350. Is that my belt sander?

351. No! It's mine!

352. Wally bought it and gave it to me as a present.

353. Yeah? Then why does it have

354. the same serial number as my warranty card?

355. Hey, Hank!

356. Uh, I, I know there are two sides to every story,

357. but Hank was bragging about his new belt sander

358. all last week...

359. Where do you think I got the idea?

360. That ape was strutting around showing off his fancy belt sander,

361. and I thought, "Hey, Bill's a better man than this ass.

362. He should have a belt sander."

363. So I bought you one.

364. Yeah, it's just, you know, Hank had the warranty card...

365. So, this is how it's going to be?

366. Hank good, Wally bad.

367. I'm not saying that,

368. but maybe it wasn't such a good idea giving...

369. well, selling beer to kids.

370. Wow. You really are like my dad.

371. - Really? - Yeah.

372. He never had faith in me either,

373. but at least he had a motorcycle.

374. Wally... building a strong relationship isn't easy.

375. We can work through this.

376. I don't like work.

377. I did ten sit-ups, and I tried to do a push-up.

378. Can I go back to sleep now?

379. You had a chance to sleep last night, mister,

380. but you decided to go partying instead.

381. Now get a rag and start washing windows.

382. Hmm.

383. I almost hated waking him this morning.

384. But then he tried to tell me that his hangover was punishment enough,

385. so I flipped him off his mattress.

386. Wally left last night!

387. And it's all your fault!

388. You broke my family!

389. Wally was not your family. My God.

390. I've thrown out propane tanks that would make a better son than Wally.

391. But he's all I had!

392. Oh, poor Bill.

393. He probably shouldn't be alone...

394. but he will be.

395. Wait! I've got it!

396. Bill wants to have a child...

397. and Hank's urethra is too narrow to have another child.

398. Ergo, Bill should inseminate Peggy.

399. Everybody's happy.

400. Ow!

401. Didn't hurt.

402. Nancy!

403. What? Huh?

404. Where are you?

405. I got a call from Wally!

406. Where is he? Jail?

407. Yes! Some trumped-up charge.

408. He can't survive in jail.

409. You've got to help me bail him out.

410. No way!

411. Things got out of hand in the first place

412. because you didn't lay down the law with Wally.

413. Oh, Hank, please.

414. You were right. I, I, I don't know how to be a father.

415. All the books about it are by comedians,

416. and I never know when they're kidding and when they're serious.

417. Oh, please. I need you to go with me.

418. No!

419. You do everything right, but if you didn't,

420. I'd be there for you.

421. Oh...

422. And could you drive?

423. Wally still hasn't returned my car.

424. The car was crammed with cartons of cigarettes,

425. packs of jerky, lighters... all your big ticket impulse items.

426. He says you okayed the use of the credit card

427. and the use of the automobile. Is that true?

428. The jerky was for you.

429. Hank, what should I do?

430. Well, I'd lock him up for what we know he did

431. and then toss on a few extra years for what he probably did.

432. Yeah, but if I lock him up, he won't like me.

433. But if I bail him out, he'll just keep stealing my money,

434. and I won't like him.

435. Parenting's tough.

436. Try having my job with a kid in jail.

437. That gets weird.

438. MAN You had a good home but you left.

439. Left, right, left.

440. You know what would be cool?

441. If you left it a little longer in the back.

442. It would be like our little bond.

443. - I'd think of you every time... - Sorry, no can do.

444. You may not be happy with me now, soldier,

445. but you'll thank me some day.

446. For what? For making me a jarhead?

447. No, for convincing the judge that the Army is a better place for you

448. than prison.

449. Oh, and you're not a jarhead.

450. That's the Marine Corps.

451. You're a grunt!

452. Bobby, if you get caught drinking again,

453. it's going to be your butt in this chair.

454. Ain't that right, Hank?

455. It sure is.

456. Now, let's shave that thing of of Wally's chin.

457. Valet of the Dale's is not responsible

458. for lost or stolen articles.