1. Bobby, you ought to leave
a burger for your mother.Copy !req
2. She'll be hungry after her big meeting.Copy !req
3. She knows what time dinner is.Copy !req
4. Boys, slap me five!Copy !req
5. The school picked my float designCopy !req
6. for the Veterans Day Parade.Copy !req
7. We are recreating
the famous flag-raising sceneCopy !req
8. at Iwo Jima.Copy !req
9. Oh, like last year's school float.Copy !req
10. Well, yes,Copy !req
11. but what Principal Moss loved most
about my ideaCopy !req
12. was how authentic it will be.Copy !req
13. Each mannequin will be wearing
authentic medalsCopy !req
14. awarded for bravery at... Iwo Jima.Copy !req
15. Hey, you know who might have
some of those?Copy !req
16. That oddball who runs
that bric-a-brac store.Copy !req
17. Mm-mm, moved to Provincetown.Copy !req
18. No, in my capacity
as Float Committee Chairman,Copy !req
19. I will place a toll call
to your father in HoustonCopy !req
20. and ask him for his Purple Heart,
Silver StarCopy !req
21. and whatever else they gave him
for killing all those Japanese.Copy !req
22. Boy, this is a choice cut
of North Carolina Pine,Copy !req
23. the perfect wood to honor our veterans.Copy !req
24. It will be under 600 pounds of sand.Copy !req
25. Don't blow our budget, Hank. Use that.Copy !req
26. Particle board?Copy !req
27. Yeah, if you want to throw out your floatCopy !req
28. in five or ten years.Copy !req
29. Stand on your tiptoes, Didi woman.Copy !req
30. Dad?
Well, what are you doing in Arlen?Copy !req
31. Buying 192 diapers.Copy !req
32. Hank's wife.Copy !req
33. Cotton, I have been calling you.Copy !req
34. How long have you been in town?Copy !req
35. A week.Copy !req
36. We're staying over to the VFW.Copy !req
37. We love it there.Copy !req
38. Didi and the baby love it there, too.Copy !req
39. Ain't that right, wife?Copy !req
40. It's just like a second honeymoon.Copy !req
41. Only it's not El Paso.Copy !req
42. A week?Copy !req
43. Why didn't you call?Copy !req
44. I only call the people I want to see.Copy !req
45. They're taking out that yield sign
by the Ethan Allen.Copy !req
46. Lives will be lost.Copy !req
47. Oh! Smells like pancakes.Copy !req
48. I'll have waffles.Copy !req
49. Grandpa! I was wondering
when I'd get to see you.Copy !req
50. And how's my Uncle G.H.?Copy !req
51. Waffles! Where's my waffles?Copy !req
52. They're coming right up.Copy !req
53. Oh, and Cotton,Copy !req
54. can I borrow your war medals
for my float, please?Copy !req
55. What? I needs them medals.Copy !req
56. I'll be wearing them
in the Veterans Parade.Copy !req
57. That's right, Bobby.Copy !req
58. Your granddad carries the flag
every year down in Houston.Copy !req
59. Not this year, Bobby.Copy !req
60. I'll be marching here in ArlenCopy !req
61. with my war buddies
Topsy, Brooklyn, Fat BrooklynCopy !req
62. and of course, Irwin Linker.Copy !req
63. What happened to Lucky?Copy !req
64. Dead.Copy !req
65. Good going, Dale.Copy !req
66. That looks like some top quality sand
you got there.Copy !req
67. Yeah, they won't be building
any sand castlesCopy !req
68. over at Staubach Elementary this week.Copy !req
69. Look what I signed out for the weekend!Copy !req
70. It might not shift out of secondCopy !req
71. but it'll tow a float eight city blocks.Copy !req
72. Or if we attach
a steel extrusion to the front,Copy !req
73. we could push the float!Copy !req
74. Am I the only one who allows his mindCopy !req
75. to prance outside the box?Copy !req
76. Hello?Copy !req
77. Cotton?Copy !req
78. Peggy, my stepdaughter-in-law,Copy !req
79. why are you here?Copy !req
80. Oh, well, I came across this box
of brand-new cigars,Copy !req
81. and I know how much
Cotton enjoys cigars, so...Copy !req
82. Oh, these are not Cotton's brand.Copy !req
83. He won't like them.Copy !req
84. But I do, I'll smoke them.Copy !req
85. Oh, my! You certainly have brought a lotCopy !req
86. for your vacation.Copy !req
87. And in which box would I find
Cotton's war medals, please?Copy !req
88. The medals are in a locked
display case in the lobbyCopy !req
89. next to the vending machine
where we get dinner.Copy !req
90. Come on, Topsy.
Is you in or is you out?Copy !req
91. Dems is a rich pot, dems is...Copy !req
92. I fold.Copy !req
93. Yoo-hoo, Dad...Copy !req
94. Entertainment's here!Copy !req
95. Take off your top!Copy !req
96. Aw, it's Hank's wife.Copy !req
97. What do you want? I'm up eight cents.Copy !req
98. Well, I noticed your authentic
war medals in the lobby display.Copy !req
99. Oh, right. You want my medals.Copy !req
100. Okay, I'll give them to you.Copy !req
101. Cost you $200 a day.Copy !req
102. There's only one way you could make that,Copy !req
103. except you're 20 years too old
and 20 pounds too skinny.Copy !req
104. Cotton Hill, I do not know
what I hate more about you,Copy !req
105. the way you talk to meCopy !req
106. or the way you treat your wife
and your little child.Copy !req
107. Well, think about it.Copy !req
108. Oof!Copy !req
109. Selfish, selfish, selfish.Copy !req
110. He is making his wife
and your little brotherCopy !req
111. stay in that tiny roomCopy !req
112. just so he can play cards all dayCopy !req
113. with that foul-mouthed, Irwin Linker.Copy !req
114. Well, it's not all bad.Copy !req
115. G.H. is too young to understand cuss wordsCopy !req
116. and the Brooklyns are very good with him.Copy !req
117. I've seen it.Copy !req
118. Rob Reiner says
that the first year of lifeCopy !req
119. is the most important
to a child's development.Copy !req
120. Your baby brother should be
listening to lullabies,Copy !req
121. not to old men hacking up phlegm.Copy !req
122. All right, all right.Copy !req
123. I'll go down there tomorrow
and talk to my dad.Copy !req
124. Hm, do you think the nail on my pinky toe
will ever grow back?Copy !req
125. You're supposed to yield, you...Copy !req
126. Oh, not anymore.Copy !req
127. Thanks a lot,
Councilman Fred Ebberd. Jerk.Copy !req
128. Are you chewing my shorts?
- Hmm?Copy !req
129. What in the...Copy !req
130. Count them again!Copy !req
131. There's 53 cans there.Copy !req
132. Nickel a pop, you owe me $2.65.Copy !req
133. Sir, there are only 50 cans here.Copy !req
134. Fifty-three.Copy !req
135. This hobo took three cans from my pile.Copy !req
136. I got those cans from a sewer
outside the bus station.Copy !req
137. Them three cans was my cans.Copy !req
138. I smashed them myself, smashed them good.Copy !req
139. You're lying!Copy !req
140. This dumpster monkey is lying.Copy !req
141. Whoever hands me the cans
gets the money. Here.Copy !req
142. Oh, what the gotberk!Copy !req
143. I need that money.Copy !req
144. Give me that! They took my house.Copy !req
145. I've gots to live in the VFW!Copy !req
146. I'm broke!Copy !req
147. Broke?Copy !req
148. You have no money
and you lost the house in Houston?Copy !req
149. How could this happen?Copy !req
150. Did you blow it all on exotic dancers?Copy !req
151. Don't you judge me!Copy !req
152. My pension barely covered
me and the woman.Copy !req
153. I didn't plan on busting
through my weenie shieldCopy !req
154. and having this little fella.Copy !req
155. And I can't deny him
anything in the world.Copy !req
156. No, I can't!Copy !req
157. Cotton tried to find a job in Houston...Copy !req
158. but nobody wanted him.Copy !req
159. Well, Didi, you're a certified
optometrical assistant.Copy !req
160. There's a LensCrafters down at the...Copy !req
161. No wife of mine is going to work!Copy !req
162. Look, Dad,Copy !req
163. I've got a few extra dollars
in my passbook account.Copy !req
164. I could help you out.Copy !req
165. You ain't my daddy. I'm your daddy!Copy !req
166. Topsy!Copy !req
167. Show Hank the door.Copy !req
168. All right, back off.Copy !req
169. God.Copy !req
170. Dad, I could talk to Buck StricklandCopy !req
171. about getting you a job
at Strickland Propane.Copy !req
172. I don't need your charity job.Copy !req
173. I've got me an interview tomorrow.Copy !req
174. Getting back into the insulation business.Copy !req
175. Same work that kept your mother
in J.C. Penney's skirtsCopy !req
176. and paid for your glasses
all them years, four eyes.Copy !req
177. I'm your man, Mr. Lewis.Copy !req
178. I supervised the installation of asbestosCopy !req
179. in every public school in Heimlich County,Copy !req
180. and 11 bowling alleys.Copy !req
181. Mmm, yeah.Copy !req
182. Our company is paid to remove asbestos.Copy !req
183. What? What? What?Copy !req
184. Remove asbestos?Copy !req
185. What the hell for?Copy !req
186. Uh, you wrote on your application
that you're 38 years old.Copy !req
187. Hm. Is that right?Copy !req
188. Indeed!Copy !req
189. I tend to look olderCopy !req
190. because the Japanese
shot my shins off in the war.Copy !req
191. Which war?Copy !req
192. Gulf War.Copy !req
193. Now hold on, there.Copy !req
194. You can't ask an applicant his age.Copy !req
195. I'm sorry. Who is this?Copy !req
196. I'm his son.Copy !req
197. Gulf War baby.Copy !req
198. Saddam's chemicals made him
freakishly large.Copy !req
199. Yeah. We'll be sure to give you a call.Copy !req
200. I tell you, Hank, ever since you sold me
those propane patio heaters,Copy !req
201. people have been eating outside,Copy !req
202. even when it's cold.Copy !req
203. Well, clean, even heating
is just one of the 14 reasons...Copy !req
204. Yeah, yeah, I remember your toast
at my daughter's wedding.Copy !req
205. Now, listen, if there's ever anything
I can do for you,Copy !req
206. just give me a holler.Copy !req
207. Mr. Burton,
are you a fan of World War II heroes?Copy !req
208. So you're my Uncle Burt's new hire.Copy !req
209. Well, this is your stool.Copy !req
210. When people come in,
you give them the special greeting.Copy !req
211. Did you learn the special greeting?Copy !req
212. I studied on it.Copy !req
213. Good for you.Copy !req
214. Break time's in an hour.Copy !req
215. You get three ounces of beef
or five ounces of chickenCopy !req
216. and one starch.Copy !req
217. - Thank you.
- Mm-hmm.Copy !req
218. Welcome to Burton's.Copy !req
219. The hostess will seat you.Copy !req
220. Welcome to Burton's.Copy !req
221. The hostess will seat you.Copy !req
222. Oh, uh, she's tied up... momentarily.Copy !req
223. Right this way.Copy !req
224. Whoa, whoa, whoa! What are you doing?Copy !req
225. They was waitin',
I'm showing them to a table.Copy !req
226. That's the hostess's job.Copy !req
227. You're a greeter.Copy !req
228. Now, please return to your stool.Copy !req
229. Now, you listen to me, junior.Copy !req
230. I led a platoon of men
through the jungles of Saipan.Copy !req
231. I think I can lead a party of four
to table six!Copy !req
232. I... I'm sure you can.Copy !req
233. But right now,Copy !req
234. what I need you to do
is go back to your stool.Copy !req
235. You think I can't do it?Copy !req
236. I've done everything for this country.Copy !req
237. I gave my shins to beat the Tojos!Copy !req
238. I bit a Nazi's windpipe in half!Copy !req
239. My stool...Copy !req
240. Where's the greeter's stool?Copy !req
241. Congratulations!Copy !req
242. You've been promoted
to men's room attendant.Copy !req
243. What?Copy !req
244. Aww...Copy !req
245. Sorry about that.Copy !req
246. Good afternoon, kinfolk.Copy !req
247. Who knew there was so much money
in... greeting!Copy !req
248. Hop in. I'm going to treat all
the Hill boys to some ice cream.Copy !req
249. My work here is done.Copy !req
250. Cotton, look at the detail on this float.Copy !req
251. Now, I'd say it's a second place
float right now.Copy !req
252. All it needs to move up to first
are authentic war medals.Copy !req
253. You're such a nag.Copy !req
254. Now I know why Hank wants to divorce you.Copy !req
255. Dad, there's not a shred of truth...Copy !req
256. Mull it over.Copy !req
257. That's the one!Copy !req
258. Hey! Get out of my Cadillac car.Copy !req
259. It's my car now.Copy !req
260. You're five months behind
on your payments.Copy !req
261. Afternoon, ma'am, Lane PratleyCopy !req
262. Pratley Cadillac and Hyundai.Copy !req
263. Hold on minute now.Copy !req
264. There's got to be something
that we can work out here.Copy !req
265. It's too late for that, Hank.Copy !req
266. But it's not too late to put you
into a brand-new Sonata.Copy !req
267. Only 52,000 miles on her.Copy !req
268. She's practically a dealer car.Copy !req
269. I'll cut your guts out!Copy !req
270. Dad, no!Copy !req
271. Ah! You think about that Sonata, Hank!Copy !req
272. Get off my plug!Copy !req
273. Well, thank you very much, Hank,Copy !req
274. for helping me chop him up.Copy !req
275. You owe me a Cadillac car.Copy !req
276. Mr. Hill, you're late.Copy !req
277. Couldn't reach the ding cord on the bus.Copy !req
278. Now, listen up, junior.Copy !req
279. I ain't gonna be here tomorrow.Copy !req
280. I'm marching in the Veterans Parade,Copy !req
281. and I still get my full pay.Copy !req
282. Not on my watch.Copy !req
283. Veterans Day is one of our busiest days.Copy !req
284. We're right on the parade route.Copy !req
285. I need you in the men's roomCopy !req
286. on your stool.Copy !req
287. You can't do that.Copy !req
288. I killed 50 men... that parade's for me.Copy !req
289. Mr. Hill, maybe you have to reevaluateCopy !req
290. whether you really want to clean upCopy !req
291. after my customers use the bathroom, hmm?Copy !req
292. Your mother stayed up all nightCopy !req
293. putting the finishing touches
on that float.Copy !req
294. Never came to bed.Copy !req
295. What the...Copy !req
296. You put skeletons on Iwo Jima?Copy !req
297. Without your father's medals,Copy !req
298. the whole "authentic" concept didn't work.Copy !req
299. I had to go in a different direction.Copy !req
300. "The Futility of War."Copy !req
301. Peggy! You can't make fun of war heroesCopy !req
302. in a Veterans Parade!Copy !req
303. It is a tribute.Copy !req
304. Those are skeletons, Peggy.Copy !req
305. Well, old Halloween decorations
were the best I could doCopy !req
306. at 4:00 a.m., Hank.Copy !req
307. Sorry I'm late.Copy !req
308. I had to take three buses...
one to get here,Copy !req
309. one to go back and get G.H.,
and then one to get here.Copy !req
310. Where's my dad?Copy !req
311. He had to work.Copy !req
312. A veteran working on Veterans Day?Copy !req
313. That ain't right.Copy !req
314. Dad, you in here?Copy !req
315. They said you were back here.Copy !req
316. I'm on my break
from my greeter's job.Copy !req
317. What do you want? I'm busy.Copy !req
318. Well, I stopped by the VFWCopy !req
319. and picked up your dress uniform,
your marching shoes...Copy !req
320. I can't march today.Copy !req
321. I'm too big of a man here.Copy !req
322. Gots too much responsibility.Copy !req
323. Dad, you're the greatest war hero
Arlen's ever seen.Copy !req
324. You should be marching in that parade.Copy !req
325. Can't.Copy !req
326. Well, I'm just going to leave
your uniform on this bar stoolCopy !req
327. if you change your mind.Copy !req
328. Mmm. Mmm.Copy !req
329. I beg your pardon!Copy !req
330. Oh, sorry.Copy !req
331. Would you believe this isn't
the first time that's happened to me?Copy !req
332. Ass.Copy !req
333. Happy Veterans Day!Copy !req
334. Ah-da-da-da-da-da.Copy !req
335. I told you,
we'll bring your meal in to you.Copy !req
336. Uh... meal...Copy !req
337. Doing it for the baby,
doing it for the baby.Copy !req
338. Aw...Copy !req
339. My Cadillac car!Copy !req
340. He clowned up my...Copy !req
341. I'll get that sumnabitch!Copy !req
342. Oh, good. My dad decided
to join the parade after all.Copy !req
343. Hey, hey!Copy !req
344. Good Lord!Copy !req
345. I love a parade.Copy !req
346. Scoot over. My dad stole his car back.Copy !req
347. If we can't agree on it,
then Bob and I will go to Del Taco,Copy !req
348. and you two go to Taco Bell, okay?Copy !req
349. I ain't no stinkhouse porter!Copy !req
350. You think a shinless man
can't remove asbestos?Copy !req
351. I'll show you what a 75-year-old
shinless man can remove!Copy !req
352. Told you it was a rug.Copy !req
353. 60 and one, smash.Copy !req
354. 60 and two, smash.Copy !req
355. 60 and three...Copy !req
356. Go away, you.Copy !req
357. These are my cans.Copy !req
358. Hey, Fingers,
you ain't countin' fast enough!Copy !req
359. 60 and four!Copy !req
360. 60 and five!Copy !req
361. 60 and six! 60 and seven!Copy !req
362. 60... eight, nine!Copy !req
363. 60 and ten! 60 and eleven!Copy !req
364. Topsy!
You shouldn't be waiting for a bus.Copy !req
365. You strangled Hermann Goering,
for God's sake!Copy !req
366. Please don't kill me.Copy !req
367. Oh, I won't.Copy !req
368. But in a few minutes,
you is gonna wish you was dead.Copy !req
369. Take your time, sir.Copy !req
370. Uh, thanks.Copy !req
371. Outstanding work, Sergeant!Copy !req
372. Reminds me of the old days.Copy !req
373. All right, who's next?Copy !req
374. Who's next?Copy !req
375. There's nobody left.Copy !req
376. And I still ain't done nothin'
to help my family.Copy !req
377. Come on, Colonel.Copy !req
378. This is where you say,
"Topsy, let's roll."Copy !req
379. Sorry, Toppington.Copy !req
380. Some things a man has to do on his own.Copy !req
381. I'm sorry we never got to go
for that ice cream cone, Bobby.Copy !req
382. Looks like we're not
going to get the chance.Copy !req
383. Just as well. I don't have any money.Copy !req
384. I've got that share of U.S. Steel
you bought me when I was born.Copy !req
385. We could cash that in.Copy !req
386. Uh-uh. You should put that money
into life insurance.Copy !req
387. Best thing I ever did.Copy !req
388. I'm worth more dead than alive.Copy !req
389. What do you mean, Grandpa?Copy !req
390. Is there a price on your head?Copy !req
391. Probably.Copy !req
392. Here you go. I've written you
a letter of recommendation for the Army.Copy !req
393. Give this to the General when you turn 15.Copy !req
394. Dad, Grandpa was just here.Copy !req
395. He was acting all weird.Copy !req
396. He kept talking about how important it isCopy !req
397. to have life insurance.Copy !req
398. The Colonel asked me for some ammunition,Copy !req
399. which due to the spectacular
failure of Y2K, I had plenty of.Copy !req
400. Knowing you, you gave it all to him.Copy !req
401. No... I tried to,
but he said he only needed one bullet.Copy !req
402. One bullet?Copy !req
403. Aw, damn it, Dale.Copy !req
404. Cotton, I have been watching G.H. all day.Copy !req
405. It is your turn.Copy !req
406. - Not now, woman.
- Yes, now.Copy !req
407. I need some "me" time...Copy !req
408. to do the laundry.Copy !req
409. Dad! Dad, open up!Copy !req
410. Come on, let me in!Copy !req
411. Go away! This doesn't involve you.Copy !req
412. Dad!Copy !req
413. Just taught the boy how to fire a gun.Copy !req
414. Look at him! He loves to shoot!Copy !req
415. You cried your first time,
and you was three.Copy !req
416. Oh, uh, you were just, uh...
I thought you were...Copy !req
417. What? I was spending time
with my favorite son.Copy !req
418. You got a problem with that?Copy !req
419. No.Copy !req
420. No, I don't.Copy !req
421. Hank, I thought it over.Copy !req
422. I've decided to let you
give me some money,Copy !req
423. you know, for G.H.Copy !req
424. Well, I'm glad you've come around.Copy !req
425. And I'm happy to help you out.Copy !req
426. It ain't help.Copy !req
427. You're paying me back for all
the money I spent raising you,Copy !req
428. food, clothes,
sissy lenses for your eyes...Copy !req
429. Okay, Dad, uh, that seems fair.Copy !req
430. It's more than fair.Copy !req
431. I ain't even charging you interest,Copy !req
432. 'cause you're my son and all.Copy !req
433. Now, give me $300.Copy !req
434. I want to buy G.H. and me
a set of walkie-talkies,Copy !req
435. you know, for when he
learns to walk and talk.Copy !req
436. Well, I've got a twenty on me...Copy !req
437. 20 bucks?Copy !req
438. I got poop tips bigger than that.Copy !req
439. Ah!Copy !req
440. Waffles! Where's my waffles?Copy !req