1. - Hank, can I use your bathroom?
- No.
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2. But I locked myself out of my house.
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3. No.
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4. Can I use your phone
to call a locksmith?
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5. If I let you use the phone,
you'll sneak in and use the toilet.
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6. Look, I'd prefer it if no one
ever had to use the bathroom.
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7. But until that day,
let's just make the best of it...
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8. and respect one another's privacy.
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9. From the lukewarm headwaters...
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10. of the mighty Brazos River—
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11. Stop it!
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12. Well, it is his cooler.
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13. Okay, I'm putting you in charge...
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14. of buying our prom tickets
at lunch tomorrow.
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15. I have to break it to Kim and Dooley
they're out of the limo.
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16. Are you listening, Bobby?
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17. - Yeah.
- Come on.
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18. We can't cut through the high-school
parking lot.
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19. We're middle-schoolers. They hate us.
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20. High-school students are far too busy
with their studies...
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21. to care about us riding
through their parking lot.
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22. Connie, come back!
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23. Oh! You are forcing me to protect you.
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24. Hey, Shorty.
Where do you think you're going?
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25. We don't want any trouble, gentlemen.
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26. We're not letting you pass
until you give us a little song.
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27. This is crazy.
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28. Just because we go to middle school—
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29. If you want to be my lover,
you gotta get with my friends
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30. Connie, go!
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31. - What?
- Hey!
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32. Get him.
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33. I'm gonna beat the crap out of you.
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34. If you're not gonna help, be quiet.
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35. Oh, man!
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36. Dude, there he is.
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37. - Yup.
- Yup.
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38. What the heck?
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39. You know, Hank, your
selfish refusal...
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40. to let Bill use your bathroom
got me thinking.
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41. I plan on creating and
then cornering...
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42. the premium port-a-potty market.
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43. It'll be the best dollar
a person could spend.
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44. Nobody's gonna want to pay good money
to use...
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45. a stinky portable... washroom.
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46. Stinky?
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47. With the finest lotions,
the softest tissues...
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48. and the most pleasing
lighting design...
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49. the Port-a-Gribble will be a
4-by-5-by-8-foot slice of paradise.
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50. Finally a vacation I can afford.
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51. Not so fast.
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52. A dollar buys the key.
That's the friend price.
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53. Thank you.
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54. Oh! I feel like I'm a
millionaire construction worker.
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55. What the...
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56. Oh, man, look at him running around
with that flabby little...
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57. What? What did I miss?
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58. Hank, we are getting
his bike right now.
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59. If we move fast,
maybe we can still find his pants.
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60. Peggy, if we get his bike now, we'll
be getting it for him until he's 16.
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61. Then we'll be getting his truck.
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62. It's kind of a tradition for high-schoolers
to pick on the young and the weak.
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63. No offense, Son.
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64. All right. I'll go get the bike.
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65. Just make sure you videotape my chef
programs while I'm in the coma.
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66. Don't be a hero.
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67. Curl up in a ball and
cry if you have to.
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68. Listen, if anything happens...
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69. promise me you'll take care of Connie.
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70. Make sure she goes to the prom.
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71. It's really important to her.
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72. Me and Connie at the prom?
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73. Wow!
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74. I won't let you down.
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75. Bobby? Tom Landry Middle School rules.
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76. TLMSR.
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77. Where's my bike?
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78. Yeah. So before I knew it,
my entire bangs were on fire.
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79. Okay. But did he say whether or not
he likes me?
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80. Yeah.
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81. Okay, let's go, freshman.
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82. That was the warning bell.
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83. Freshman? No.
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84. No, sir. I'm still in middle school.
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85. Look, I know it's tough in there
for a freshman.
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86. They're animals.
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87. I got some advice for you.
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88. Puff out your chest
and walk like this.
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89. I saw a gorilla do
it on a nature show.
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90. Scared the crap out of me.
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91. Now, go on.
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92. Wand the uterine wall sloughs off...
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93. Taco Bueno in school?
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94. I thought that was
just an urban legend.
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95. "Godspell"? That was banned
in middle school.
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96. I have arrived.
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97. I am so wassup.
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98. Bobby! Thank God you're alive.
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99. I've never been more alive in my life.
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100. I was in high school.
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101. It was like I was living in a dream.
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102. But if it was all a dream...
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103. how did I get this burrito wrapper
from Taco Bueno?
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104. That's right.
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105. Taco Bueno, in the food court,
at the high school.
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106. Did they have a language lab?
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107. Did you notice what the
teacher-student ratio was?
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108. Oh! My mind is just
racing with questions.
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109. I gotta get back.
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110. The Colonel's cooking up
something tasty for lunch...
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111. in the food court, at the high school.
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112. Hey, fresh meat,
this is the senior bathroom.
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113. I'm gonna shove your
head in the toilet.
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114. Put me down. My growth is stunted.
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115. My kidneys are broken.
I'm really a senior.
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116. Like that kid on that old TV show?
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117. Yes, exactly like that kid
on that old TV show.
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118. Now, put me down.
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119. You know, you do look
kind of familiar.
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120. Didn't we see you at Conklin's party?
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121. Anybody who says they remember
that party wasn't really there.
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122. - Oh, Dude.
- Dude.
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123. Okay. So, what's the deal with all the
"No Doubt" posters?
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124. Hey, wait. I thought you said
you went to school here.
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125. I do.
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126. But I've been in dialysis
the last couple of months.
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127. Lefty shut down and I just got him
working again.
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128. Sucks for you.
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129. Well, anyway, we're in the middle of
a big radio contest with...
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130. with, like, every
high school in Texas.
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131. If we win,
No Doubt's gonna play our prom.
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132. We're in fifth place
behind a Catholic girls' school.
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133. Those chicks are tough.
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134. No Doubt rules.
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135. All we've got is some Vegas theme
at our dance...
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136. at the hospital.
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137. So, what do you do?
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138. Eat weird stuff?
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139. Eat stuff, stack stuff,
spray paint stuff.
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140. We listen to Pig 106 every morning.
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141. Wacky and Steve tell us what to do.
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142. Yeah! it's pep-rally time.
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143. Come on, kidney boy.
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144. Cool.
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145. Wow! Your cheerleaders
really have boobies.
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146. Yeah. Even junior varsity has them.
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147. Okay, settle people. Settle.
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148. You're gonna want to hear this one.
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149. Canklin I
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150. Okay, I just got the word
from Wacky and Steve...
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151. that Pierce High School lost their
liability insurance...
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152. and can't do the Dishwasher of Doom.
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153. So, they're out.
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154. So that puts us in the top four
with 296 points.
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155. There's no doubt we're gonna win
this thing.
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156. God, I love this school.
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157. Yeah!
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158. Friends, I know you've used toilets.
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159. But I'll wager you've never
truly experienced one.
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160. Why just relieve yourself
when you can reward yourself?
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161. Mr. Strickland, is it?
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162. Well, I might be able to conjure up
a little something.
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163. Hank, pay the toilet man.
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164. All right.
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165. All right, Anthony. The
record's a minute. You ready?
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166. Dude...
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167. Let me out. I can't breathe.
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168. I taste soap.
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169. Do we have anybody short?
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170. Where's that petite kid who tumbles?
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171. Rosemary? She moved to Oklahoma.
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172. I'll do it.
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173. What about your kidneys?
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174. They're full of Arlen High spirit.
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175. Who is he?
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176. He's so cute... and helpless.
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177. Kidney boy. We call him that because
of his bad kidneys.
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178. You mean, like, he
could die any minute?
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179. Try any second.
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180. Oh, yeah! Arlen High rules.
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181. I can't stop thinking about Connie.
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182. I know she's Bobby's girl.
But I love her.
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183. They're not married. Go for it.
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184. I need the latest hard numbers
in the No Doubt competition.
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185. An estimate does me no good.
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186. Pig 106 says Lubbock is getting
a point a person...
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187. for cramming kids into a phone booth.
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188. A phone booth?
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189. - How are we ever gonna beat that?
- Wait.
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190. I've got something that is the size
of a phone booth.
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191. And smells like a phone booth.
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192. A parka-PM“!-
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193. - That's rad.
- Yeah.
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194. No Doubt is ours.
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195. Bobby?
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196. Please tell me you bought
our prom tickets.
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197. I've got a situation here, Connie.
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198. Lubbock is cramming kids
into a phone booth.
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199. I'll get the tickets tomorrow.
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200. Bobby, they're sold out.
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201. It turns out all those nerds who said
they have girlfriends at other schools...
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202. weren't lying.
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203. Well, then come with me
to the high-school prom.
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204. They're getting No Doubt to play.
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205. The high-school prom?
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206. Me at the high-school prom...
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207. hanging out with
Arlen's best teachers.
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208. - Who's the middle-school cheese?
- Oh, no.
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209. She's a high-school girl I know
from the children's hospital.
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210. Yeah, she has...
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211. a little tail.
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212. It's not like a monkey...
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213. more like a hamster.
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214. They can't operate.
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215. So, they're dissolving it
with Compound W.
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216. Oh, that brave little hamster girl.
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217. And you are so sweet
to take care of her.
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218. I like the bow tie.
Lose everything else.
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219. Check you out.
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220. That is one fly tux.
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221. Is that hamster girl?
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222. She's very sensitive.
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223. And she has super hearing.
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224. Oh. Because I was gonna tell you that
Vivian wants to go to the prom with you.
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225. What are you staring at?
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226. Nothing. I was...
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227. Can you pick up things with your tail?
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228. Like that shoe?
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229. Yeah. Does it wag when you're happy?
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230. Connie, why don't we try this tux on
in the dressing room?
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231. Bobby, why do those guys think
I have a tail?
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232. Oh, probably because
medical science...
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233. Oh! I told them you had one.
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234. Why were you making fun of me?
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235. No. it's very romantic.
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236. You have a tail. I have bad kidneys.
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237. We met on a rainy day
at hospital camp.
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238. And now we can go
to the high-school prom.
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239. I thought they liked you
because you were so cool...
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240. not pitied you because you're a freak.
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241. No! I have the medical condition.
You're the freak.
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242. You've gotta keep this straight
or we're never gonna pull it off.
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243. I am not gonna pretend
I have a medical problem.
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244. There are people who
really have tails.
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245. Maybe. Well, I'm not going.
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246. Fine! But I'm going
to the high-school prom.
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247. What's with hamster girl?
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248. Oh, she can't go to the prom.
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249. She's having that problem with her DNA
or something.
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250. I don't know. It's bad.
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251. Hey, that means you can take Vivian.
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252. - Dude!
- Dude!
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253. Let's go, kidney boy. Come on.
Suck it in.
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254. I...
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255. thought maybe if you're not still
creeped out by me...
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256. you might go to the prom with me.
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257. I've got two tickets.
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258. If you're not still,
you know, creeped out.
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259. I'd be honored.
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260. Everybody settle down.
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261. ! from Pig 706'.
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262. We're gonna find out—
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263. - Hello?
- Yes. Hello.
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264. I'd like to order a pizza.
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265. Please, ma'am.
We're trying to keep the line clear.
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266. Hey, you've been pranked
by Wacky and Steve.
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267. Hey, we have a lady here
who'd like to speak to you.
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268. She's really hot.
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269. And I know I've spent more than
a few nights thinking about her.
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270. Here she is.
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271. Steve's mom!
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272. Dang, now I've been pranked.
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273. Let's just get to the get to.
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274. There's someone that wants to talk
to you.
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275. Hey, what's up?
This is Gwen from No Doubt.
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276. Hey, this is Tom from No Doubt.
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277. Hey, how're you doing?
This is Tony from IVo Doubt.
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278. That's not Tony,
that was Adrian.
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279. I'm Tony from No Doubt.
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280. Sorry we can't talk.
But we gotta call Lubbock...
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281. and tell them they lost to Arlen High.
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282. Congratulations, you guys.
See you at the prom.
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283. You still in there, Peggy?
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284. What are you doing?
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285. Uncle Hank, is that you?
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286. I really need someone to talk to.
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287. Uncle Hank.
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288. Okay, Dale. You win.
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289. I need to use your port-a-room.
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290. So, now Mr.
I'll-Only-Share-A-Toilet-With-My-Wife...
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291. wants to share one with us.
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292. Well, take a walk, toilet snob.
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293. Hold on, Bill.
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294. Here at Port-a-Gribble,
we reserve the right...
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295. to refuse service to no one.
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296. No shirt, no shoes...
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297. yes service.
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298. Flowers.
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299. He's a squatter.
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300. All right, what are
we water-ballooning?
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301. - Cows?
- Even better.
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302. Tonight's the middle-school prom.
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303. As high-schoolers, we should be
doing something way cooler than this.
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304. Bowling's on me. We can steal shoes.
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305. Oh, thanks.
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306. Run, Dooley.
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307. - No!
- You got soaked.
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308. Well, you're just jealous because
it's Friday night and we have dates.
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309. Hey, hamster girl,
what are you doing here?
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310. - She's—
- In middle school.
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311. Middle school?
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312. Yeah. The Compound W dissolved
the rest of my tail.
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313. They thought middle school would be
less stressful after...
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314. you know, losing my tail and all.
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315. Okay. So, you're, like all normal now?
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316. Yes. I'm cured.
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317. Good. Because otherwise I'd feel bad
about this.
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318. Get out of the way.
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319. If you want to hit a middle-schooler,
you might as well hit me.
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320. What?
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321. This is my real school.
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322. I am a middle-schooler.
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323. He's so lame. Let's soak him.
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324. Yeah, soak in it.
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325. Soak in your lies, kidney boy.
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326. Come on, Connie. Let's go inside.
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327. - Hold on, Joseph.
- Oh, that's it.
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328. I can't take these mind games anymore.
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329. You're gonna have to choose right now.
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330. Is it him or me?
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331. What?
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332. Bobby is my boyfriend. You know that.
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333. I'm still your boyfriend?
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334. Really?
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335. Yes, but because you were such a jerk,
I don't have prom tickets.
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336. So, I'm going with Joseph.
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337. Cool.
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338. Joseph understands that you only went
to the prom with him...
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339. to get back at me, right?
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340. I don't really think he does.
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341. It's actually a bit of a mess.
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342. Hey, kidney boy.
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343. - A prom ticket?
- Yeah.
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344. We got to thinking that
you did help us win.
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345. And No Doubt heard
about the kidney boy.
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346. So, you had better be there.
And you had better look sick.
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347. Oh, I'll be there. On one condition.
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348. Hey, aren't you kidney boy?
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349. No, sir. I'm not.
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350. Kidney boy is gone for good.
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351. Kidney boy died. He's gone.
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352. What's up, Arlen High?
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353. I just got some terrible news.
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354. This next song is dedicated
to the memory of kidney boy.
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355. Poor kidney boy.
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356. Conklin!
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