1. Mail came a little early yesterday.
3:30.
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2. Yeah, Peggy was telling me.
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3. Gentlemen, you are looking
at the next winner...
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4. of the First Annual Durndle County
mower races, stock class.
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5. Mower races? Well, good for Durndle.
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6. Me and my Mason 5000 will do 20 laps
around the track...
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7. at speeds approaching
12 miles an hour.
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8. I've chosen you three
to be my pit crew.
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9. Pit crew? Stuff that, mister. If there's
organized mower-racing, I'm in.
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10. - Me, too!
- Plan on eating my dust, Gribble.
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11. Fine. You're all fired
from my pit crew.
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12. So unless you plan on buying Mason
5000s between now and race day...
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13. and not having them anonymously
vandalized, plan on losing.
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14. Dale, it's the man, not the machine
that wins races.
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15. And I'll say this to you,
and to you, and to you:
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16. I am the man.
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17. You want to back out now?
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18. You mean back out of the race
or back out of this position?
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19. Because I can do both
but I will only do one.
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20. There's more where that came from.
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21. Oh, man.
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22. Not my back again.
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23. Mom, how come Dad gets to stand
at the breakfast table...
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24. and I never get to wear my cape?
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25. Because your father
is afraid of doctors.
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26. Now, Hank, according to my count...
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27. this is the fifth or eighth time
that your back has gone out this year.
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28. Will you make an appointment already?
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29. No. My back's just stiff
from training for the mower race.
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30. I spent three hours last night
working on my starts.
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31. See, if I can beat Boomhauer off the
line, he'll fall apart mentally.
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32. What is it with you mower-racers
and your stubborn code of honor?
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33. I see a doctor
whenever I'm incapacitated...
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34. and it does not make me
any less of a man.
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35. I am not incapacitated. Enough said.
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36. There. Just take it. Take it all.
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37. I don't want any more junk food
in my house.
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38. - Bill, are the rats back?
- I don't know.
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39. I'm trying to lose weight so I have
a better chance in the mower race.
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40. Well, Bill, you could
lose 100 pounds...
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41. and you still wouldn't be able
to take a corner like me.
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42. Well, I've got news for you.
I could never lose 100 pounds.
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43. And you haven't been practicing.
Your lawn is shaggy!
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44. You say something
about my lawn, Dauterive?
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45. - Thank you, Gina.
- Dr. Tate.
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46. Yes.
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47. Mr. Hill, you have a compression
of the discs in your lower back.
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48. Do you get a lot of this in
your patients who race mowers?
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49. A lawnmower didn't cause this,
it's genetic.
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50. - Genetic as in fatal?
- No.
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51. Mr. Hill, you were born
with no muscle mass here...
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52. no cushioning.
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53. For years, you've basically been
sitting on your spine.
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54. You suffer from a disease called
Diminished Gluteal Syndrome or DGS.
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55. I don't understand.
What does that mean?
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56. Mr. Hill, you have no ass.
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57. Diminished Gluteal Syndrome?
How could this happen to me?
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58. Let me show you something.
Gina, the chart.
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59. - Just a moment, Doctor.
- I'll just do it myself.
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60. This drawing shows
a healthy gluteus maximus.
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61. Dr.You, have this body type.
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62. It's actually quite
common in the suburbs.
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63. A white male with small buttocks
and protruding belly...
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64. often caused
by pronounced consumption of beer.
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65. My rear end isn't as
flat as that guy's.
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66. I'm going to prescribe
a gluteal orthotic device.
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67. It's a prosthetic you wear
over your backside...
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68. to help alleviate the pressure
on your spine.
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69. You want me to wear a fake heinie?
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70. Mr. Hill, are your shoes fake feet?
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71. This is your gluteal orthotic.
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72. Let's see.
You wear it under your pants and...
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73. Well, that's about it.
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74. Let's see how she fits.
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75. Those two bags are filled with saline.
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76. Dr. Tate has prescribed 1,700
milliliters for your left cheek...
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77. and 1,500 for your right.
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78. Isn't that interesting, Hank?
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79. You have one butt cheek bigger
than the other, just like my feet.
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80. Yeah, we're made for each other.
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81. I wear a size 16-and-a-half on
my left foot, 16 on my right.
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82. How's that feel, Hank?
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83. Pretty good, I guess.
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84. Can you tell I've got something on
back there?
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85. No, not at all.
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86. Excuse me. I noticed...
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87. Are you a patient of Dr. Tate?
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88. - No.
- Yes.
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89. Me, too.
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90. Name's Dave. Dave Ulster.
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91. Hank.
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92. Hank Grill.
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93. It can be tough in the beginning.
If you, you know...
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94. you ever need to talk or anything,
give me a call.
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95. Well, thank you,
but this is a personal problem...
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96. that I am fully capable
of handling on my own.
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97. Well, Mr. D. Ulster at aol.com...
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98. get ready for Peggy
Hill's joke of the day.
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99. I'll be dipped!
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100. Come on, Dad. Pedal to the metal.
Take small sips. Don't gulp.
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101. I'm mowing like I'm
back in high school.
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102. Have you seen my orthotic?
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103. I need it for dinner.
My dad's gonna be here in 10 minutes.
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104. I was doing a load of support garments,
so I went ahead and threw it in.
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105. I hung it on the line to dry.
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106. It's "dry on a flat surface only!"
Didn't you read the tags?
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107. Over here, Hank. Behind you.
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108. You give that back
before I kick your ass!
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109. Don't you mean before
you kick your ass?
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110. That is a medical device
prescribed by an orthopedic physician.
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111. I'm here. Where's the steak?
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112. - Dad, go in the house. I'll be right in—
- Colonel, you saved me a phone call.
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113. I regret to inform you that your son
is wearing saline implants...
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114. I.e., falsies on his rump.
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115. Dear God, Hank.
You're wearing butt boobies.
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116. It's not for my buttocks,
it's for my back.
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117. Didi, come over here.
Put your fake ta-ta's next to Hank's.
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118. We'll see who's got the bigger melons!
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119. All right, that tears it.
Dad, you give that to me right now!
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120. Keepaway from Hank!
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121. Pipe down, hillbillies!
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122. We're having a game of keepaway here,
Mr. Kahn.
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123. Catch.
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124. What information
have you brought me, Octavio?
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125. Bill is losing weight, jefe.
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126. He's eating only oranges
and ham sandwiches.
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127. Blast it! We will still win
but we must train twice as hard.
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128. Octavio, release the chicken.
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129. So that's the way it is.
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130. Hank, do not just stand there
watching Dale mow a chicken.
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131. Get your cheeks down off that line
and get yourself back in the race.
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132. No. I'm done with mower-racing.
And I'll tell you something else:
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133. I'm ripping up the grass
and putting in wood chips.
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134. You know how I always hated
having a lawn.
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135. Hank, Mr. Strickland just called.
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136. There is a propane emergency
out in McMaynerbury.
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137. McMaynerbury? When will they learn?
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138. No, no. Hop in.
With your bad back, I will drive.
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139. Hello?
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140. Hank Hill, Strickland Propane.
Do not light any matches.
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141. We're back here, Hank.
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142. Remember me, Hank?
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143. Dave Ulster from the medical
supply shop. You're among friends.
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144. All of us suffer from
Diminished Gluteal Syndrome.
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145. But Peggy said there was a propane...
Oh, no.
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146. Hank, my name is Wayne.
And I've been wearing for four years.
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147. Phil. Six-and-a-half years.
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148. I'm Larry. I've worn a
prosthetic behind for 18 months.
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149. Oh, God! This is a support group.
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150. We are not a support group.
We're hobbyists.
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151. We share a similar interest and meet
twice a month to talk about it.
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152. I can't believe this
is happening to me.
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153. Your wife told me about the awful
incident with your orthotic.
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154. - I shared it with the group.
- I don't know what you're talking about.
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155. I am not even confirming
that I have a wife.
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156. It's one thing when they call us names.
But to play hot potato with your unit!
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157. For God's sakes! it's
a medical device.
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158. That's what I kept saying.
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159. Those cruel sons of britches.
Did you get their names?
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160. I know their names.
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161. They were my neighbors,
and my best friends, and...
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162. my dad.
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163. Hank, none of what's said here
leaves the group.
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164. So, anybody sit anywhere
good this week?
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165. Guess which assistant coach sat
on his son's Little League bench?
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166. - Nice.
- That's great.
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167. Peggy, you better sit down,
I have something to show you.
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168. That's right. I'm sitting. And I
owe it all to that hobbyist group.
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169. And the one person
who put me in touch with them...
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170. Dave Ulster.
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171. I'm kidding you, Peggy.
See? I got my sense of humor back.
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172. Hank, it is good to laugh again.
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173. But on a serious note, Peggy...
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174. don't ever report a false
propane emergency again.
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175. Believe me, I prayed on it, Hank...
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176. and God said to me, "Don't do it."
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177. But you know what? I knew better.
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178. I was not gonna rest until you
were back in that mower race.
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179. The race? I'm done with that nonsense.
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180. I'll wear my orthotic at home
and at my desk at work...
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181. but I'm not gonna give my so-called
friends and family an opportunity...
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182. to ridicule me in public.
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183. Squeeze your butt
and release your butt.
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184. And walk on your butt,
and left cheek, right cheek...
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185. Bobby!
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186. That's a ladies tape.
What are you doing?
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187. I'm firming my buttocks in 30 days
so I don't end up like you.
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188. You know how much I like to sit.
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189. Don't worry, Son.
You probably won't get DGS.
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190. But even if you do,
you can wear a gluteal orthotic...
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191. and sit anywhere you want.
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192. Yeah, but sooner or later
someone will find out.
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193. And they'll laugh.
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194. And I want people laughing at me 'cause
I'm shoving broccoli up my nose...
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195. not because there's something wrong
with me.
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196. Left cheek, right shes/n...
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197. So, Hank, I see
you're sitting this week.
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198. Yes, I am.
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199. But I'd like to stand up
for what I'm about to say.
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200. I want to thank you all
for giving me the courage...
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201. to wear my orthotic with pride.
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202. And dang it, I'm not
just doing it for me.
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203. I'm doing it for my son...
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204. because chances are I've passed
this debilitating condition on to him.
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205. And there is one thing I can do to help
my son lead a happy, shame-free life.
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206. And that's to win
the Durndle County Lawnmower Race.
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207. - All right, Hank.
- Way to go, Hank.
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208. I knew y'all would be on board.
I'm gonna need an ace pit crew...
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209. and I'm looking at one right now.
We're an unbeatable team!
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210. The Diminished Glutes!
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211. We'll wear it on our
hats, on our jackets.
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212. Heck, I'll paint it on my mower.
Right on top of the factory coat.
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213. You do that, we'll throw a brick
through your window.
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214. What the...
I thought we were an unbeatable team.
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215. Take a seat, Hank.
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216. We're a secret society,
not a group of Look-At-Me-Stanleys.
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217. Well, fine. If that's the way it is,
I'll do it on my own.
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218. Thank you, Hank. Any
other new business?
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219. Hank, painting "Diminished Glutes" on
your mower might be asking for trouble.
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220. What about my suggestion to paint
"The Mow the Merrier?"
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221. I suffer from a genetic condition
called DGS.
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222. I'm sorry, Hank. It's just that
I don't know what it's like.
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223. Because obviously, I have got it
going on back there.
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224. God forbid in 20 years Bobby gets it.
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225. I don't want him to feel like a freak.
I'm fighting now so he doesn't have to.
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226. Race for the cure.
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227. Good afternoon.
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228. The United States
Lawnmower Racing Association...
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229. welcomes you to
the Durndle County Speedway.
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230. Our day begins with the lightning
speed of the drag races.
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231. Look at Dale over there,
all smug on his Mason 5000.
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232. You're gonna eat my exhaust fumes,
Gribble.
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233. - Keep talking, bubble-butt.
- I wasn't saying anything.
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234. Not you. I was talking to Hank.
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235. I'm gonna mow laps around both of you!
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236. Stock class racers,
mount your mowers.
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237. The race will begin in one minute!
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238. All right, Octavio.
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239. Now that the inspection is over, hook
up the nitrous oxide to my engine.
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240. That's illegal, no?
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241. Yes. But it'll give
me a boost of speed.
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242. Add that to the natural quickness
of the Mason 5000...
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243. and I just might overcome
my weak driving skills.
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244. Racers,
start your engines!
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245. And ready, set...
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246. I did better than I thought I would.
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247. Don't you clip my wheels,
you little tush.
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248. Say that again to the
back of my head...
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249. Mr. Non-U.S. Lawnmower
Association Approved Helmet.
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250. Ten laps down,
ten laps to mow!
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251. He blew out his left cheek!
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252. No. That's his pivot cheek.
Now he can't turn to the inside.
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253. Hank, I just wanna say
I'm proud of you.
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254. May the best man win.
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255. Not the other one.
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256. My cheeks blew out.
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257. I'm riding on my tailbone.
I don't think I can finish.
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258. Yes, you can.
There's less than one lap to go.
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259. Gut it out.
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260. Cramp! Gut it out!
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261. Watch out. I'm pulling off the track.
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262. We're here! No rear! Get used to it!
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263. We're here! No rear! Get used to it!
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264. Hank, take my ass.
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265. And the winner of the First
Annual Durndle County Mower Race...
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266. is Baomhauer!
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267. Damn, we lost.
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268. You worthless piece of junk.
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269. But I can still beat Hank.
That's even better than winning.
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270. Come on, you graceful gazelle.
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271. Dang cheating Octavio blew my engine!
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272. Dale Gribble
on the Mason 5000.
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273. Hank Hill on the Diminished
Gluteal Syndrome mower!
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274. What a battle for sixth place!
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275. Celebrate good times, come on!
Sixth place!
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276. Well, I'm sorry I let you down
by not winning the race.
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277. Hank, what you did, it
took a lot of guts.
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278. You got seventh place. That means you
automatically qualify for next year's race.
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279. Well, I appreciate what you guys did
out there today, too.
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280. That also took a lot of guts.
Especially you, Larry.
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281. We were all reaching for our bags,
buddy. I was just quickest on the draw.
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282. All right, then. I guess I'll
see you guys next Tuesday.
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283. She's a beaut. What kind of engine?
Briggs and Stratton?
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284. Tecumseh.
Ten-and-a-half horse under the hood.
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285. That padding, that thing you were
wearing during the race...
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286. I got a friend
who could use something like that.
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287. Well, why don't you give your friend
my card?
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288. Excuse me. I think you
could use it, too.
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289. Peggy, to the medical supply store.
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290. I need some new cheeks.
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291. - Thank you, Gina.
- Dr. Tate.
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