1. All right, Manger Babies.
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2. We are on right after
the weather report.
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3. So, if anyone has to go to
the bathroom, tell me now.
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4. Well, it looks like that storm brewing
in Big Bend will miss Heimlich County...
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5. and plant a big sloppy kiss an
the Dallas-Fort Worth metroplex.
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6. - Sony, Big D.
- Thanks, Nancy.
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7. On a personal note,
I will be an vacation next week.
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8. So, Nancy, I'd like to be the first
to wish you a happy 40th birthday.
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9. Why, thank you, Berle.
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10. For 40-year-old Nancy Hicks Gribble
on weather and Don Ringle on sports...
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11. this is Berle Arlington bidding you...
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12. good night and God bless.
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13. And clear.
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14. Hey, beautiful!
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15. Prepare yourself to be
whisked, as in alé.
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16. I am taking you to the La Grunta Resort for
a birthday weekend you will not forget.
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17. I think I'd rather celebrate
my birthday quietly at home.
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18. Too late. Your credit
card is already billed.
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19. Now, let's go pamper you.
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20. The odd thing is I hate dirt,
but I love mud.
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21. It's hailing! I've got to get back to the
station. This is sweeps-worthy weather.
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22. Our Weather Watcher in Rumpert says
the hail is now dodge-ball size.
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23. We gotta go live!
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24. You okay?
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25. You, puppet girl, can you read?
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26. "And the National Weather Service
predicts the storm will..."
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27. Slow down! The words
are going too fast.
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28. Damn it. She's wearing blue.
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29. for two more days
before finally clearing.
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30. It's a good color on her.
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31. Anyways, it's going to keep raining and
hailing and thundering and lightning-ing...
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32. for a while.
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33. So, hug your babies tight.
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34. - And back to you, Mr. Arlington.
- Call me Berle.
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35. Berle.
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36. I got here as fast as I could, Tom.
I am ready to go on.
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37. Hey, Nancy, we are going
to shake things up a little.
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38. I am making you the late night
weekend weather girl.
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39. Luanne is going to take over
the morning weather slot.
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40. I used to think these lines gave me
integrity as a weather journalist.
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41. But who am I kidding?
They are just wrinkles.
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42. I blame the mirror.
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43. I've seen a mirror turn
an ordinary man 10 feet tall.
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44. And another turn
the same man 3 feet short.
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45. That man was me.
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46. I am getting old, Dale. And I am
in a younger, prettier business.
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47. Oh, God!
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48. I need a face-lift or a time machine.
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49. And your smoking is not helping.
Cigarettes are hell on skin.
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50. You know I can't quit.
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51. What do you think, Dr. Mark Seldon?
Can you take care of my baby?
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52. Absolutely. I am very good.
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53. I just want to look
like me, 20 years ago.
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54. What's this face-ectomy
going to run us?
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55. $5,000.
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56. It will take us 20 years to save
that kind of money.
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57. And then you will have
to make her look 40 years younger.
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58. And we'll never be
able to afford that!
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59. Why would Nancy want a face-lift?
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60. There's nothing wrong with
the face God gave her.
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61. I am with you.
But my baby gets what my baby wants.
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62. There is no procedure, however
gruesome, I could ever deny her.
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63. How're you gonna pay for it?
Are you taking Dale's Dead Bug public?
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64. Good idea. But nope.
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65. I filed a $5,000-dollar suit
in small-claims court...
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66. against one Reynolds Penland,
Chairman and CEO...
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67. of the Manitoba Tobacco Corporation.
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68. I will allege the second-hand smoke from
his fine product has wrinkled my wife...
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69. jeopardizing her job because she
is unattractive to weather-watchers...
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70. and her marriage
because she is unattractive to me.
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71. You know, who you ought to
be suing is the Arlen school system.
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72. How one of their graduates could come
up with a plan this dumb is beyond me.
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73. No. My plan is brilliant.
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74. I could be suing those
cigarette moguls for billions.
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75. They will never show up in court
to save a measly five large.
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76. They pee wine that
costs more than that.
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77. - I will get a default judgment.
- Brilliant.
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78. Four, three, two, one.
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79. 9:00 a.m. on the dot and
the dastardly coward didn't show.
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80. I will just take my money now
and skedaddle.
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81. Oh. poo!
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82. Your Honor, I am Jeremy Toblik...
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83. lead counsel for the
Manitoba Tobacco Corporation...
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84. and its CEO, Reynolds Penland.
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85. It appears this case has been removed to
Federal District Court across the street.
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86. Where they will write my check?
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87. Mr. Gribble, the Manitoba Tobacco
Corporation has just counter-sued you...
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88. for $1.3 million dollars.
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89. Have a nice day in court.
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90. You weren't supposed to show up!
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91. Don't underestimate this guy.
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92. He's the only customer
in our database...
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93. who has earned every single item
in our gift catalog.
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94. You've got to smoke 90,000 cigarettes
just to get the satineen jacket.
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95. Now, let's be honest.
He should be dead by now.
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96. I am not putting you on the stand.
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97. Don't worry. We are placing Gribble
under electronic surveillance.
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98. Observation.
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99. Best-case scenario, we catch Gribble
playing lovey-dovey with his wife...
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100. and destroy his credibility.
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101. - I don't want to know about this.
- It can't be traced back to you.
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102. We hired a local P.l. And we are paying
him out of our snack-cake division.
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103. The lawyers subpoenaed my records.
That's the first step.
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104. The second step will be to kidnap
everyone I've ever known...
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105. and erase their memories.
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106. The third step will be to kill me!
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107. Dale, they are suing you.
They are not gonna kill you.
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108. Wake up, Hank!
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109. These people kill 400,000 of their
own satisfied customers every year!
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110. Dale, do yourself a favor
and just drop the case.
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111. Maybe they will go easy on you.
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112. How do you know
maybe they will go easy on me?
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113. They got to you, didn't
they, Hank Hill?
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114. Or should I say, Reynolds Penland?
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115. Peel off your fake face, Penland.
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116. Come on, peel it off. Like this.
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117. From the bottom up.
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118. Penland, you just bought yourself
an assault charge.
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119. - Dale Gribble?
- Yes!
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120. - Got a package for you.
- Goody-goody. What'd I get?
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121. It's Smoking Sammy Salmon,
the singing Manitoba fish.
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122. This is a corporate Christmas present
not available to the public.
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123. Enjoy.
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124. Look, Nancy! it's Smoking Sammy
Salmon, the singing Manitoba fish.
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125. Wow!
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126. Luanne is one hot fudge sundae
with two big scoops.
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127. Wait! This will cheer you up.
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128. It's the five-day forecast.
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129. Manitoba is the brand to smoke
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130. You'll enjoy it take for take
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131. Don't worry
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132. Keep smoking
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133. A bug!
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134. A grotesque, flying water beetle.
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135. Will you excuse me, Nancy?
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136. They are bugging me! My God! I can't!
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137. Dale! Come in.
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138. I was just, you know, drinking beer.
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139. What?
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140. - I am being bugged.
- What?
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141. I am being bugged!
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142. By the Manitoba Tobacco Corporation.
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143. Was it like when the Norwegian Secret
Police planted a bug in your person?
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144. No. These guys are amateurs
to be trifled with.
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145. In the spirit of aikido...
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146. I will turn their bug against them...
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147. and feed it a steady diet
of strategic disinformation...
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148. I.e., I will insult Nancy's appearance
so convincingly...
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149. they will offer me
a large out-of-court settlement.
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150. I get it. And Nancy
will pretend to cry.
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151. No. No pretending.
Nancy's a terrible actress.
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152. Remember how her Eliza Doolittle
"did little" for the critics?
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153. For my insults to be effective, Nancy
must remain completely in the dark...
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154. her reactions real and unscripted,
like a Dean Martin roast.
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155. I got a new dress for work today.
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156. Baby. Come here and let me get
a good look at you.
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157. - I love the dress. But what's with the face?
- What?
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158. I am just saying you might want to get
a skycap to help you...
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159. with those bags under your eyes.
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160. Nancy, dearest, your smoke-rs
vaged face is making me nauseous.
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161. Would you mind putting this Kroger bag
over your head so I can make love to you?
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162. Get out!
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163. The man's an animal.
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164. The only person the jury's going
to hate more than him is me.
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165. I don't know how much more
of this I can take.
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166. When he's not coming up with
a new way to tell me I am ugly...
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167. he's talking about how much money he's
going to make off of my disfigurement.
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168. You are not disfigured.
You are very pretty.
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169. Hank, tell her how pretty she is.
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170. Well, you've got beautiful eyes,
and a great figure, and you got—
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171. Thank you, Hank.
That's more than enough.
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172. Hi, everybody.
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173. Wow! Mrs. Gribble, you look terrible.
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174. Here. Try this new moisturizing cream.
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175. I use it on days when
I don't look my best.
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176. It's not even opened.
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177. She sure looks tired.
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178. Yes. But still doable.
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179. If I am going to win this thing,
I've got to bump it up a notch.
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180. Nancy is highly allergic to lemon.
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181. - Bill, hand me a—
- Lemon?
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182. Yes.
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183. Oh, my God!
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184. And as we move west toward El Paso,
watch out for high winds.
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185. So, ladies, if you've just done
your hair, you'd better beware.
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186. I just came to support Mrs. Gribble
and to give her some more make-ups.
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187. - You sabotaged my face!
- What?
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188. - Look at me!
- Good God.
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189. Now, Manitoba Cigarettes
have cost you your job, too?
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190. Tom the station manager said...
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191. he didn't want to see
my ugly face anymore!
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192. So, now nobody wants
to see your ugly face.
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193. That is it! I don't deserve this.
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194. You used to be a kind, loving man. And
now you are a foul-mouthed monster!
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195. - Yeah, yeah. Go on.
- Don't you touch me!
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196. It's over. I am leaving you.
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197. My horrifyingly grotesque wife
is leaving me because of my...
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198. smoking.
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199. Dale, I've tried real hard
to stay out of your relationship.
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200. But your relationship just moved
into my house and won't stop crying.
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201. Drop the suit and apologize
before it's too late.
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202. Man, you are a little-picture guy.
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203. Once I win and Nancy
gets her face-lift...
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204. everything will be as smooth
as her new skin.
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205. Beef-A-Roni's fun to eat
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206. Beef-A-Roni's really neat
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207. Beef-A-Roni's quite a treat
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208. - Hooray!
- 'Yippee!
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209. For Beef-A-Roni
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210. I can't take it anymore! Nancy's gone!
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211. She is gone and it's
breaking my heart.
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212. - She's coming back.
- No. No, she's not!
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213. You are living a lie.
She's never coming back!
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214. They never ever do!
You think they will but they won't.
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215. Bill, you are scaring me.
Weren't we just having fun?
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216. Yes. Believe me,
I want you to get a divorce.
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217. That way you will be
here all the time.
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218. Secretly, I was happy
your stupid plan backfired...
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219. so that I wouldn't be alone anymore,
but this isn't right.
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220. Go back to your wife! Here!
Take the money! And go, go on!
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221. Get back out the door
and get out of here! Get out!
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222. Hank, maybe I should talk to Nancy
for just a moment.
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223. She doesn't want to talk to you.
You broke her heart, Dale.
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224. Tell her I just want to
tell her I am sorry...
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225. and if she will let me talk to her,
I will tell her myself. Tell her.
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226. I will do my best.
But it's not going to be an easy sell.
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227. - Nancy?
- Make him go away.
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228. No sale.
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229. I need my Nancy!
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230. She won't talk to me.
What am I going to do?
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231. Wait. I know what I am going to do.
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232. All right, brain trust.
The trial's tomorrow.
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233. Don't play patty cake with me.
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234. Could we lose this thing?
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235. We erased the tapes,
so they can't hurt us.
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236. But the love affair between juries
and tobacco companies has cooled.
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237. Could we lose this thing?
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238. Yes.
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239. - Are you Nancy Hicks Gribble?
- Yes.
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240. It's a subpoena.
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241. Now Dale is dragging me into court
to humiliate me publicly.
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242. I can't get involved. Good day, madam.
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243. It's a legitimate offer.
Why couldn't he just—
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244. - Mr. Gribble, I am Reynolds Penland.
- Wait.
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245. If you're here, who's that?
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246. Gribble, I am offering you
the deal of the century.
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247. $75,000.
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248. In return, we accept no liability
and you keep your mouth shut.
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249. You have no idea who
you're up against...
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250. if you think I can begin
to keep my mouth shut.
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251. I don't want your chump change.
I am going for the big prize.
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252. Mr. Gribble, again I say this not only
as an officer of the court...
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253. but as a caring human being.
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254. Please do not represent yourself.
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255. May I continue?
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256. - Legally I cannot stop you.
- Thank you, Your Honor.
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257. Mr. Gribble, I hold in my hand...
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258. People Magazine's
Fifty Most Beautiful People issue.
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259. Are you familiar with
this Time Warner publication?
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260. No.
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261. May I remind you that
you are under oath?
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262. And the subscription label
on this magazine...
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263. bears the name of your optometrist.
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264. I will ask you again.
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265. Are you familiar with
this Time Warner publication?
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266. Possibly.
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267. Objection. How is this relevant?
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268. Your Honor, I intend to establish...
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269. the witness's impossibly
high standard of beauty.
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270. I will allow it.
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271. But I want to see where this is going.
Sit still and get on with it.
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272. Thank you, Your Honor.
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273. Mr. Gribble, referring to Page 16...
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274. in this magazine...
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275. can you identify
the individual picture thereon?
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276. Jennifer Aniston.
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277. Do you or do you not
find her beautiful?
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278. The really hot girl next door? Yeah.
Beautiful, no.
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279. Page 19, Denise Richards.
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280. I cannot get past her wretched acting
to see any beauty.
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281. Mira Sorvino, Mina
Suvari, Chloe Sevigny?
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282. Speak English, please.
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283. Cindy Crawford? Mole!
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284. Very well then.
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285. Julia Roberts.
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286. "A horse is a horse,
of course, of course."
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287. You are telling this
court under oath...
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288. that you find none of
these women beautiful?
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289. Are you a homosexual?
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290. No!
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291. You cannot have it both ways, Mr.
Gribble.
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292. Either you are a homosexual...
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293. or the most beautiful woman in
the world is in this magazine!
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294. The most beautiful woman in the world
is in this courtroom.
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295. Not you. The prettier
woman next to you.
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296. Would the woman
in the sunglasses and hat...
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297. please remove her sunglasses and hat?
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298. Do you know this woman?
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299. She is my wife. She is my lover.
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300. She is the mother of my child.
She is my raisan afétre.
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301. But is she beautiful?
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302. Now where is he going with this?
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303. Your Honor, please direct
the witness to answer the question.
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304. Let me remind the witness
and his attorney...
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305. that the entire basis of his damage
claim rests upon his wife's appearance.
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306. One of you answer the question!
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307. She is the most beautiful woman
in the world to me.
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308. And I want her back
more than anything.
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309. If anything, I owe Manitoba money
for the loveliness...
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310. my second-hand smoke
has bestowed upon my Nancy.
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311. She thinks she needs a face-lift. But
it couldn't be further from the truth.
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312. Your Honor, the defense moves
for dismissal!
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313. Case dismissed.
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314. Now, all of you,
get the hell out of my courtroom.
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315. I am so sorry, Nancy.
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316. I just wanted to make you
believe you were ugly...
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317. so if you testified you
wouldn't have to lie.
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318. That's so romantic.
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319. It's romantic and cunning.
I am the whole package.
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320. Will you forgive me?
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321. Cock-a-doodle-doo, Heimlich County.
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322. Nothing but blue skies ahead.
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323. There, I signed your wife's new
contract. And I said I was sorry.
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324. Now, are you going to drop...
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325. that age-discrimination suit
against the station?
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326. Not so fast, Hollywood.
What's in it for me?
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327. What do you want?
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328. I don't know. I hadn't
thought about it.
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329. File cabinet.
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330. Get him a file cabinet.
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331. I should have asked for
a weather chopper.
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332. Weather chopper!
And a file cabinet.
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333. Hug your babies tight.
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