1. All right, Manger Babies.Copy !req
2. We're on right after the weather report.Copy !req
3. So if anyone has to go to the bathroom,
tell me now.Copy !req
4. Eee-yah!Copy !req
5. Well, it looks like that storm brewing
in Big Bend will miss Heimlich CountyCopy !req
6. and plant a big, sloppy kiss
on the Dallas-Fort Worth Metroplex.Copy !req
7. Sorry, Big D.Copy !req
8. Thanks, Nancy.Copy !req
9. On a personal note,
I'll be on vacation next week,Copy !req
10. so, Nancy, I'd like to be the first
to wish you a happy 40th birthday.Copy !req
11. Why... well, thank you, Burl.Copy !req
12. For 40-year-old Nancy Hicks-Gribble
on WeatherCopy !req
13. and Don Ringle on Sports,Copy !req
14. this is Burl Arlington bidding you...
good night and God bless.Copy !req
15. And clear.
Hey, beautiful.Copy !req
16. Prepare yourself to be whisked,
as in... away.Copy !req
17. I'm taking you to the LaGrunta Resort for
a birthday weekend you will not forget.Copy !req
18. Oh.Copy !req
19. I think I'd rather celebrate
my birthday quietly at home.Copy !req
20. Too late.
Your credit card is already billed.Copy !req
21. Now, let's go pamper you.Copy !req
22. The odd thing
is I hate dirt but I love mud.Copy !req
23. Hmm.Copy !req
24. Hmm.Copy !req
25. Oh. Oh, it's hailing.Copy !req
26. I got to get back to the station.
This is sweeps-worthy weather.Copy !req
27. Ow. Ow. Ow. Ow.Copy !req
28. Our weather watcher in Rumpert
says the hail is now dodgeball size.Copy !req
29. We got to go live.Copy !req
30. You okay?Copy !req
31. Uh, you, puppet girl. Can you read?Copy !req
32. And the National Weather Service
predicts the storm will...Copy !req
33. Ah. Slow down.
The words are going too fast.Copy !req
34. Ah, damn it, she's wearing blue.Copy !req
35. Two more days before...Copy !req
36. It's a good color on her.Copy !req
37. Anyways, it's going to keep
raining and hailing and thunderingCopy !req
38. and lightninging for a while,
so hug your babies tight.Copy !req
39. And back to you, Mr. Arlington.
- Call me Burl.Copy !req
40. Burl?
- I got here as fast as I could, Tom.Copy !req
41. I'm ready to go on.Copy !req
42. Oh, hey, Nancy,
we're going to shake things up a little.Copy !req
43. I'm making you the late-night
weekend weather girl.Copy !req
44. Luanne is gonna take over
the morning weather slot.Copy !req
45. I used to think these linesCopy !req
46. gave me integrity as a weather journalist,Copy !req
47. but who am I kidding?
They're just wrinkles.Copy !req
48. I blame the mirror.Copy !req
49. I've seen a mirror turn
an ordinary man ten feet tallCopy !req
50. and another turn the same man
three feet short.Copy !req
51. That man... was me.Copy !req
52. I'm getting old, Dale,
and I'm in the younger-prettier business.Copy !req
53. Oh, God. I need a facelift
or a time machine.Copy !req
54. And your smoking's not helping.
Cigarettes are hell on skin.Copy !req
55. You know I can't quit.Copy !req
56. What do you think, Dr. Mark Seldon?
Can you take care of my baby?Copy !req
57. Absolutely. I'm very, very good.Copy !req
58. I just want to look like me 20 years ago.Copy !req
59. - What's this face-ectomy going to run us?
- $5,000.Copy !req
60. It'll take us 20 years
to save that kind of money,Copy !req
61. and then you'll have to make her
look 40 years younger,Copy !req
62. and we'll never be able to afford that.Copy !req
63. Oh.Copy !req
64. Why would Nancy want a facelift?Copy !req
65. There's nothing wrong
with the face God gave her.Copy !req
66. Well, I'm with you,
but my baby gets what my baby wants.Copy !req
67. There is no procedure, however gruesome,
I could ever deny her.Copy !req
68. Well, how you going to pay for it?
Are you taking Dale's Dead Bug public?Copy !req
69. Good idea, but nope.Copy !req
70. I've filed a $5,000 suit
in Small Claims CourtCopy !req
71. against one Reynolds Penland chairman
and CEOCopy !req
72. of the Manitoba Tobacco Corporation.Copy !req
73. I will allege the second-hand smoke
from his fine productCopy !req
74. has wrinkled my wife, jeopardizing her jobCopy !req
75. because she is unattractive
to weather watchers,Copy !req
76. and her marriage
because she is unattractive to me.Copy !req
77. You know who you ought to be suing
is the Arlen school system.Copy !req
78. How one of their graduates could come up
with a plan this dumb is beyond me.Copy !req
79. No, my plan is brilliant.Copy !req
80. I could be suing
those cigarette moguls for billions.Copy !req
81. They'll never show up in court
to save a measly five large.Copy !req
82. They pee wine that costs more than that.
I'll get a default judgment.Copy !req
83. Brilliant.Copy !req
84. Four, three two, one.Copy !req
85. Ha-ha! 9:00 a.m. on the dot,
and the dastardly coward didn't show.Copy !req
86. Well, I'll just take my money now
and skedaddle.Copy !req
87. Oh, poo.Copy !req
88. Your Honor, I'm Jeremy Toblick,Copy !req
89. lead counsel for the Manitoba Tobacco
Corporation and its CEO, Reynolds Penland.Copy !req
90. Well, it appears
this case has been removedCopy !req
91. to Federal District Court
across the street.Copy !req
92. Where they will write my check?Copy !req
93. Mr. Gribble,
the Manitoba Tobacco CorporationCopy !req
94. has just countersued you for $1.3 million.Copy !req
95. Have a nice day in court.Copy !req
96. You weren't supposed to show up!Copy !req
97. Don't underestimate this guy.Copy !req
98. He's the only customer in our database
who's earned every single itemCopy !req
99. in our gift catalog.Copy !req
100. You've got to smoke 90,000 cigarettes
just to get the satin team jacket.Copy !req
101. Now, let's be honest.
He should be dead by now.Copy !req
102. I'm not putting you on the stand.Copy !req
103. Don't worry, we're placing Gribble
under electronic surveillance.Copy !req
104. Observation.Copy !req
105. Best-case scenario, we catch Gribble
playing lovey-dovey with his wifeCopy !req
106. and destroy his credibility.Copy !req
107. I don't want to know about this.Copy !req
108. It can't be traced back to you.Copy !req
109. We hired a local P.I. and we're paying him
out of our snack cake division.Copy !req
110. Ah! The lawyers subpoenaed my records.
That's the first step.Copy !req
111. The second step will be to kidnap everyone
I've ever known and erase their memories.Copy !req
112. The third step will be to kill me.Copy !req
113. Dale, they're suing you.
They're not going to kill you.Copy !req
114. Wake up, Hank.Copy !req
115. These people kill 400,000 of their own
satisfied customers every year.Copy !req
116. Dale, do yourself a favor
and just drop the case.Copy !req
117. Maybe they'll go easy on you.Copy !req
118. How do you know
maybe they'll go easy on me?Copy !req
119. They got to you, didn't they, Hank Hill?Copy !req
120. Or should I say... Reynolds Penland?Copy !req
121. Peel off your fake face, Penland.Copy !req
122. Come on, peel it off. Like this... Aha!Copy !req
123. From the bottom up. Aha!Copy !req
124. Ow! Penland, you just bought yourself
an assault charge.Copy !req
125. - Dale Gribble?
- Yes!Copy !req
126. - Got a package for you.
- Goody, goody, what'd I get?Copy !req
127. It's Smokin' Sammy Salmon,
the singing Manitoba fish.Copy !req
128. This is a corporate Christmas present
not available to the public.Copy !req
129. Enjoy.Copy !req
130. Look, Nancy, it's Smokin' Sammy Salmon
the singing Manitoba fish.Copy !req
131. Wow, Luanne is one hot fudge sundae
with two big scoops.Copy !req
132. Wait, this'll cheer you up.Copy !req
133. A bug!Copy !req
134. A grotesque flying water beetle.Copy !req
135. Will you excuse me, Nancy?
They're bugging me!Copy !req
136. My God, I can't...Copy !req
137. Dale, come in.Copy !req
138. I was just, you know, drinking beer.Copy !req
139. Da-da-da-da-da... Shh.Copy !req
140. What?Copy !req
141. What?Copy !req
142. I'm being bugged!Copy !req
143. By the Manitoba Tobacco Corporation.Copy !req
144. Was it like when the Norwegian secret
police planted a bug in your person?Copy !req
145. No, these guys are amateurs
to be trifled with.Copy !req
146. In the spirit of aikido, sh-sha!Copy !req
147. I will turn their bug against themCopy !req
148. and feed it a steady diet
of strategic disinformation, I.e.,Copy !req
149. I'll insult Nancy's appearance
so convincinglyCopy !req
150. they will offer me a large
out-of-court settlement.Copy !req
151. Oh, I get it.
And Nancy will pretend to cry.Copy !req
152. No, no pretending.
Nancy's a terrible actress.Copy !req
153. Remember how her Liza Dolittle
"did little" for the critics?Copy !req
154. For my insults to be effective,
Nancy must remain completely in the dark,Copy !req
155. her reactions real and unscripted
like a Dean Martin roast.Copy !req
156. - I got a new dress for work today.
- Aw, baby.Copy !req
157. Come here and let me get
a good look at you.Copy !req
158. I love the dress,
but what's with the face?Copy !req
159. - What?
- I'm just saying,Copy !req
160. you might want to get a skycap to help you
with those bags under your eyes.Copy !req
161. Nancy, dearest, your
smoke-ravaged face is making me nauseous.Copy !req
162. Would you mind putting
this Kroger bag over your headCopy !req
163. so I can make love to you?
Get out!Copy !req
164. The man's an animal.Copy !req
165. The only person the jury's going to hate
more than him is me.Copy !req
166. I don't know how much more
of this I can take.Copy !req
167. When he's not coming up
with a new way to tell me I'm ugly,Copy !req
168. he's talking about how much money
he's going to make off my disfigurement.Copy !req
169. You are not disfigured.
You are very pretty.Copy !req
170. Hank, tell her how pretty she is.Copy !req
171. Uh, well, you've got beautiful eyesCopy !req
172. and a great figure, and you've got...Copy !req
173. Thank you, Hank. That's more than enough.Copy !req
174. Hi, everybody.Copy !req
175. Wow, Mrs. Gribble, you look...Copy !req
176. terrible, um...Copy !req
177. Oh, here, try this new moisturizing cream.Copy !req
178. I use it on days
when I don't look my best.Copy !req
179. It's not even opened.Copy !req
180. - She sure looks tired.
- Yes, but still doable.Copy !req
181. If I'm going to win this thing,
I've got to bump it up a notch.Copy !req
182. Nancy is highly allergic to lemon.Copy !req
183. - Bill, hand me a...
- Lemon?Copy !req
184. Yes.Copy !req
185. Oh, my God!Copy !req
186. And as we move west toward El Paso,
watch out for high winds.Copy !req
187. So, ladies, if you've just done your hair,
you'd better beware.Copy !req
188. I just came to support Mrs. Gribble
and to give her some more makeups.Copy !req
189. - You sabotaged my face!
- What?Copy !req
190. Look at me!Copy !req
191. Good God!Copy !req
192. Now Manitoba cigarettes
have cost you your job, too?Copy !req
193. Tom, the station manager,Copy !req
194. said he didn't want
to see my ugly face anymore.Copy !req
195. So now nobody wants to see your ugly face.Copy !req
196. That is it! I don't deserve this!Copy !req
197. You used to be a kind, loving man,
and now you're a foul-mouthed monster!Copy !req
198. Yeah, yeah, go on.Copy !req
199. Don't you touch me. It's over.
I'm leaving you.Copy !req
200. My horrifyingly grotesque wifeCopy !req
201. is leaving me because of my... smoking.Copy !req
202. Dale, I've tried real hard
to stay out of your relationship.Copy !req
203. But your relationship just moved
into my house and won't stop crying.Copy !req
204. Drop the suit and apologize
before it's too late.Copy !req
205. Man, you're a "little picture" guy.Copy !req
206. Once I win and Nancy gets her facelift,Copy !req
207. everything will be as smooth
as her new skin.Copy !req
208. I can't... I can't take it anymore.Copy !req
209. Nancy's gone.
She is gone, and it's breaking my heart.Copy !req
210. She's coming back.Copy !req
211. No, no, she's not! You are living a lie!Copy !req
212. She's never coming back.
They never, ever do.Copy !req
213. You think they will, but they won't.Copy !req
214. Bill, you're scaring me.
Weren't we just having fun?Copy !req
215. Yes. Believe me,
I want you to get a divorce.Copy !req
216. That way you'll be here all the time.Copy !req
217. Secretly, I was happy
your stupid plan backfiredCopy !req
218. so that I wouldn't be alone anymore.
But, this isn't right.Copy !req
219. Just go back to your wife.
Here, take the money and go, go, go on!Copy !req
220. Get back out the door
and get out here! Get out!Copy !req
221. Mm!Copy !req
222. Mm!Copy !req
223. Hank... Hank, maybe I should talk to Nancy
for just a moment.Copy !req
224. She doesn't want to talk to you.
You broke her heart, Dale.Copy !req
225. Tell her I just want to tell her I'm sorryCopy !req
226. and if she'll let me talk to her
I'll tell her myself. Tell her.Copy !req
227. I'll do my best.Copy !req
228. But it's not going to be an easy sell.Copy !req
229. Nancy...
Make him go away!Copy !req
230. No sale.Copy !req
231. I need my Nancy!Copy !req
232. She won't talk to me.Copy !req
233. What am I going to do-hoo-hoo-hoo-hoo?Copy !req
234. Wait, I know what I'm going to do.Copy !req
235. All right, brain trust,
the trial's tomorrow.Copy !req
236. Don't play patty-cake with me.
Could we lose this thing?Copy !req
237. Well, we erased the tapes
so they can't hurt us.Copy !req
238. But the love affair between juries
and tobacco companies has cooled.Copy !req
239. Could we lose this thing?Copy !req
240. Yes.Copy !req
241. - Are you Nancy Hicks-Gribble?
- Yes.Copy !req
242. It's a subpoena.Copy !req
243. Now Dale is dragging me into court
to humiliate me publicly.Copy !req
244. I can't get involved. Good day, madam.Copy !req
245. It's a legitimate offer. Why doesn't he...Copy !req
246. Mr. Gribble, I'm Reynolds Penland.Copy !req
247. Wait. If you're here...Copy !req
248. Who's that?Copy !req
249. Gribble, I'm offering you
the deal of the century. $75,000.Copy !req
250. In return, we accept no liability
and you keep your mouth shut.Copy !req
251. You have no idea who you're up againstCopy !req
252. if you think I can begin
to keep my mouth shut.Copy !req
253. I don't want your chump change.
I'm going for the big prize.Copy !req
254. Mr. Gribble, again, I say this
not only as an officer of the court,Copy !req
255. but as a caring human being,
please do not represent yourself.Copy !req
256. May I continue?Copy !req
257. - Legally, I cannot stop you.
- Thank you, Your Honor.Copy !req
258. Mr. Gribble, I hold in my handCopy !req
259. People Magazine's
"50 Most Beautiful People" issue.Copy !req
260. Are you familiar
with this Time Warner publication?Copy !req
261. No.Copy !req
262. May I remind you that you are under oathCopy !req
263. and that the subscription label
on this magazineCopy !req
264. bears the name of your optometrist?Copy !req
265. I'll ask you again,Copy !req
266. are you familiar
with this Time Warner publication?Copy !req
267. Possibly.Copy !req
268. Objection. How is this relevant?Copy !req
269. Your Honor, I intend to establishCopy !req
270. the witness's impossibly
high standard of beauty.Copy !req
271. I'll allow it,
but I want to see where this is going.Copy !req
272. - Sit still and get on with it.
- Thank you, Your Honor.Copy !req
273. Mr. Gribble,
referring to page 16 in this magazine,Copy !req
274. can you identify the individual
pictured thereon?Copy !req
275. Jennifer Aniston.Copy !req
276. Do you or do you not find her beautiful?Copy !req
277. The really hot girl next door, yeah.
Beautiful, no.Copy !req
278. Page 19, Denise Richards.Copy !req
279. I cannot get past her wretched acting
to see any beauty.Copy !req
280. Mira Sorvino? Mina Suvari? Cloe Sevigny?Copy !req
281. Speak English, please.Copy !req
282. Cindy Crawford... Mole.Copy !req
283. Very well then.Copy !req
284. Julia Roberts?Copy !req
285. A horse is a horse, of course, of course.Copy !req
286. You are telling this court under oathCopy !req
287. that you find none
of these women beautiful?Copy !req
288. Are you a homosexual?Copy !req
289. No!Copy !req
290. You cannot have it both ways, Mr. Gribble.Copy !req
291. Either you are a homosexual,Copy !req
292. or the most beautiful woman
in the world is in this magazine.Copy !req
293. The most beautiful woman in the world
is in this courtroom.Copy !req
294. ALLCopy !req
295. - Aw.
- Not you.Copy !req
296. The prettier woman next to you.Copy !req
297. Would the woman in the sunglasses and hat
please remove her sunglasses... and hat.Copy !req
298. Do you know this woman?Copy !req
299. She is my wife.Copy !req
300. She is my lover.
She is the mother of my child.Copy !req
301. She is my raison de-tray.Copy !req
302. But is she beautiful?Copy !req
303. Where is he going with this?Copy !req
304. Your Honor, please direct the witness
to answer the question.Copy !req
305. Let me remind the witness
and his "attorney"Copy !req
306. that the entire basis of his damage claim
rests upon his wife's appearance.Copy !req
307. One of you answer the question!Copy !req
308. She is the most beautiful woman
in the world to me.Copy !req
309. And I want her back more than anything.Copy !req
310. Oh.Copy !req
311. If anything, I owe Manitoba moneyCopy !req
312. for the loveliness my second-hand smoke
has bestowed upon my Nancy.Copy !req
313. She thinks she needs a facelift,
but it couldn't be further from the truth.Copy !req
314. Your Honor, the defense moves
for dismissal.Copy !req
315. Case dismissed.Copy !req
316. Now, all of you,
get the hell out of my courtroom.Copy !req
317. I'm so sorry, Nancy.Copy !req
318. I just wanted to make you believe
you were uglyCopy !req
319. so if you testified,
you wouldn't have to lie.Copy !req
320. Oh, that's so romantic.Copy !req
321. It's romantic and cunning.Copy !req
322. I'm the whole package.
Will you forgive me?Copy !req
323. Oh, yeah.Copy !req
324. Cock-a-doodle-doo, Heimlich County.Copy !req
325. Nothing but blue skies ahead.Copy !req
326. There, I signed your wife's new contract.
And I said I was sorry.Copy !req
327. Now are you going to drop that age
discrimination suit against the station?Copy !req
328. Not so fast, Hollywood.
What's in it for me?Copy !req
329. - What do you want?
- Oh, I don't know.Copy !req
330. I hadn't thought about it.Copy !req
331. Uh... file cabinet.Copy !req
332. Get him a file cabinet.Copy !req
333. I should have asked for a weather chopper.Copy !req
334. Weather chopper...
and a file cabinet.Copy !req
335. Hug your babies tight.Copy !req