King of the Hill 4x7

1. Oh, another Thanksgiving

2. with Hank Hill's famous smoked turkey.

3. Mmm. What can I bring this year, Hank?

4. Straws?

5. Uh, well, Bill, we're, uh...

6. And by "we," I mean me,

7. my family and this turkey,

8. we're all going to Montana for Thanksgiving.

9. - Oh. - Yeah.

10. See, Peggy and her mom don't always get along,

11. and now Mother Platter's

12. starting to take it out on propane.

13. She says it can't get the job done

14. when it comes to smoking turkey.

15. Well, I'm not going to let that go.

16. So for Peggy's sake, I got to prove her mom wrong.

17. Now, uh, this doesn't leave the alley,

18. but, uh, Peggy's parents wanted to take us

19. to a restaurant for Thanksgiving.

20. - Mm. - Mm.

21. But don't worry.

22. I convinced them to have the meal at their house,

23. and I'm going with my standard plan.

24. Cowboys game, dinner at 5:00,

25. and serve dessert in time for Home Alone.

26. They broke into the wrong kid's house.

27. Hey, man, you got me thinking about dang old Mama Boomhauer, man.

28. I think I'll fly out to Miami Beach, man.

29. Talk about a blind date with the neighbor's, man,

30. great-great-great-great granddaughter, man.

31. She's 40.

32. So you're leaving, too?

33. I hate Thanksgiving!

34. Let's go, Bobby. It's almost 10:00.

35. With the Dallas traffic,

36. we won't get to the airport till noon,

37. and that flight leaves at 4:00 with or without us.

38. The turkey smells good.

39. Can I hold it on my lap to sniff for the ride?

40. The turkey rides up front with me,

41. away from the rear defroster.

42. I just talked to your grandma,

43. and I went out on a limb

44. and promised moistness and smokiness.

45. My mother called?

46. Oh, I wanted to tell her

47. that I'm going to bake my Brown Betty.

48. Yeah. Uh, she said not to bother.

49. She'll just pick up some Sara Lee.

50. Oh, sure.

51. But if my brother were making Brown Betty,

52. she'd freaking lick the bowl.

53. What a coincidence, Hank.

54. I have to go to the Dallas-Fort Worth airport

55. to pick up my Uncle who's coming in for Thanksgiving.

56. What time's his flight?

57. What time's your flight?

58. - Four o'clock. - Four o'clock. Mm-hm.

59. I can drive you to the airport.

60. Okay, I guess that'll save me some time.

61. Which uncle is it?

62. Bill.

63. Huh. So you're named after him?

64. I said Stan.

65. Okay, Uncle Hank, I'm all ready.

66. My first time seeing Daddy

67. since Mama second-degree assaulted him with a fork.

68. Oh! This is so exciting!

69. Boy, it sure is.

70. Now, I like to keep all our airline tickets

71. in the travel caddy.

72. Luanne, if you don't mind...

73. Huh?

74. Oh, Hank, could I please talk to you for a minute?

75. Well, Luanne does not have a ticket.

76. You were supposed to buy tickets for the family.

77. That's right. I bought tickets

78. for all three members of the Hill family.

79. Hank Hill, Peggy Hill, and Bobby Hill.

80. The Hills.

81. What is the matter with you?

82. As far as Luanne knows, you love her,

83. and you consider her part of this family.

84. Do not let her know that you neglected to buy her a ticket.

85. Well, I think she's going to find out when we leave her here.

86. No, sir. You will buy Luanne a ticket at the airport,

87. and it is not going to be easy

88. because the day before Thanksgiving is, in my opinion,

89. one of the busiest travel days of the year.

90. Okay, Bill, that zone's

91. for loading and unloading only.

92. We can take it from here.

93. Well, then, it's off to Uncle Stu.

94. You said Stan.

95. Okay, Hank, you win.

96. "Stan" it is.

97. Did you pack your own bags

98. and have they been in your sight at all times?

99. Well, I had to set them on the curb

100. when I unloaded them from the trunk.

101. But they were in your sight?

102. No, I had my back turned.

103. But just for a moment?

104. Well, I'd say it was more like a minute than a moment.

105. Oh, for God's sake. Just say they were in your sight, Hank.

106. Peggy, the man is an official

107. of the United States airlines.

108. I'd be committing perjury.

109. - It's clean. - So, just the two bags then?

110. Yep. And this tank of propane.

111. Oh, man!

112. Oh, don't worry. That was in my sight the entire time.

113. They let that woman bring an oxygen tank on the plane.

114. Ooh! I get to use my Junior College ID.

115. That's me in the picture.

116. I got the giggles 'cause there were these four girls and...

117. Well, now we've all got the giggles.

118. You better sit down. Over there, yeah.

119. Any seats left to Billings?

120. Yes, sir. That'll be 719 dollars.

121. What? I paid 250 dollars for my ticket.

122. That's the price I want!

123. Sir, you bought your ticket six months ago.

124. You are buying Miss Platter's ticket on the day of travel.

125. All right, listen.

126. Miss Platter is traveling to Montana

127. to see her father for Thanksgiving.

128. She hasn't seen him in years.

129. Doesn't that mean anything to your airline?

130. I'm going to write a personal check,

131. and in the memo line, I am writing "unfair."

132. How long are you going to be in Arizona, Mr. Red Corn?

133. Just for the Thanksgiving weekend.

134. Hey, do your people even celebrate Thanksgiving?

135. We did.

136. Once.

137. Um, Shug, maybe I should see John Red Corn to the gate.

138. Make sure he gets off all right.

139. Good idea, sweetheart.

140. Joseph and I will go find a broken meter

141. to park the bug-a-bago.

142. Uncle Hank, a man just asked me

143. if I wanted to join the mile-high club.

144. Could you get me an application?

145. Well, I would think they would have them

146. on the plane, Luanne.

147. Hey, Hank!

148. Look, Minh, it's the early birds.

149. Hey, Hank, our flight same time as yours.

150. I saw you leave house at 10:00 am.

151. We leave five hours later.

152. You still waiting, you dumb redneck.

153. Yeah, okay. Happy Thanksgiving.

154. Oh, yeah. You, too.

155. Okay, Mother Platter, well, we're all set to board here,

156. so, uh, hope you're ready to eat some smoked turkey

157. with humble pie for dessert.

158. Uh...

159. No. Peggy's still planning to make a Brown Betty.

160. Yeah, yeah, I was just, uh...

161. Never mind.

162. Good afternoon, passengers traveling to Billings.

163. We regret to inform you that the bad weather has forced

164. the delay of your flight.

165. - What? - But my daddy's on a day pass.

166. Excuse me, sir. Hank Hill.

167. I would like to volunteer my services

168. in any way necessary to help get this plane off the ground.

169. So, put me to work.

170. Sir, crowding me will not get you out any faster.

171. It's sleeting out there,

172. and the runways are like skating rinks.

173. Oh.

174. Oh, Uncle Hank, they can't delay Thanksgiving, can they?

175. They just did.

176. No, Mother Platter, I'm not calling from the plane.

177. Those phones are only for emergencies.

178. We just have a small delay.

179. Hank, I want to make sure my mom

180. has all the ingredients for my Brown Betty,

181. which I have made every year from 1976

182. until I die, inclusive.

183. I will need margarine and not butter.

184. - Is that Peggy? - Yeah.

185. Tell her we use butter in this house.

186. Uh, okay.

187. She got butter, didn't she?

188. You said it, Bing.

189. The weather outside is frightful.

190. If you're flying out of DFW, bad news.

191. All flights are delayed.

192. Why in the world...

193. This is ridiculous!

194. They should let the man do his job.

195. Dad, I know you said to try,

196. but I can't eat this.

197. It's salad.

198. Hank, the boy needs protein or he'll pass out.

199. Now, break open that box.

200. Thanksgiving will go on with a one-legged turkey.

201. "One-legged turkey"?

202. I'm not even going to dignify that with a response,

203. other than "shame on you."

204. - Hey, Bobby.

205. Ooh, Connie, how'd you get that teriyaki beef bowl so fast?

206. My dad.

207. Here you go, ma'am.

208. I'm district manager, pitching in.

209. Crazy day, huh?

210. Go to the front of the line.

211. Mr. Souphanousinphone will give you some food.

212. Hold up, Bobby. That ain't right.

213. We're not animals.

214. We'll wait in line like everybody else.

215. Hank, the ability to cut ahead in line

216. is what separates us from the animals.

217. Okay, people, personal insults and criticisms directed toward me

218. will not get your plane out any faster.

219. In just a few minutes, we will begin...

220. You're an ass.

221. We will begin deicing your plane for takeoff.

222. Thank you, sir.

223. Ruth Ann, I was just in the bathroom next to the pilot.

224. He told me they don't have enough workers to deice their planes,

225. but TWA does, and they're honoring all tickets.

226. Una momento, señor. Yo hablo español.

227. Yes, do you know where I can catch the TWA flight?

228. I think it's gate cincuenta y ocho.

229. 58.

230. Come on, Hank. You heard the man.

231. We have to go to gate cincuenta y ocho. Andele.

232. That was nothing but third-hand gossip.

233. You're acting like you're drunk.

234. Look, Bobby.

235. Chock full of chips just opened a second register.

236. - Oh, God! - Hank, Hank! Bobby got away!

237. - What? - Get him! Go get him!

238. Bobby, get... What are you...

239. - What's the matter what you?

240. Cookies.

241. Hank, did you hear that announcement?

242. The gate agent just said

243. were supposed to go to the TWA flight.

244. What?

245. - All right, let me go ask him and... - No! There is no time.

246. The plane leaves in ten minutes.

247. Joseph, here's a roll of quarter-sized aluminum slugs.

248. Go knock yourself out at the video arcade.

249. Shackleford. Admiral Rusty Shackleford.

250. I'll keep my coat.

251. Admiral.

252. Lady Admiral.

253. Admiral.

254. I'm sorry, Admiral.

255. There's no smoking in the terminal building.

256. You're not sorry, and I'm not an admiral.

257. For the third time, sir, we don't even fly to Montana.

258. Well, you check it again!

259. My wife heard an official announcement.

260. Tell her, Peggy.

261. All right, Peggy,

262. you lied to me about the announcement.

263. That's strike one.

264. What? Oh, don't start with that baseball...

265. That's two.

266. What happens when he gets to three?

267. He doesn't know.

268. Where's everybody going? Did we miss the flight?

269. No. It's been canceled till tomorrow morning.

270. Canceled? Now, you listen to me.

271. I know my rights as a passenger.

272. - And you... - Attention, remaining passengers.

273. We are holding a block of rooms at the EconoSuites.

274. A shuttle van is waiting to take you there.

275. Nope, uh-uh. There are too many people and not enough seats.

276. Do the math, Hank.

277. Well, if this van fills up, they'll send a second one.

278. Hank Rutherford Hill, is "naive" your middle name?

279. There is no second van,

280. And there will never be enough rooms at the hotel.

281. Hey, yo, man, Hank.

282. Man, looks like a damn layover, man.

283. Gonna be something that wind up something special on the ground, man.

284. You know what I'm saying, man?

285. The hotel vans are over here. Where's he going?

286. Hank, we are fighting a war here

287. called Thanksgiving at the airport.

288. Now, we can either stand here and take it like the French,

289. or we can beat the rest of these chumps to the hotel.

290. Now, come on!

291. Hank! Peggy!

292. Hey, did you hear?

293. The whole airport's shut down.

294. We're stuck here all night.

295. Bill, get the car.

296. Mr. Dauterive, did your uncle's flight get in okay?

297. Oh, yeah, sure.

298. So, can we meet him?

299. No, he's back in Arlen.

300. Then why are you here?

301. We had a fight.

302. He bit me.

303. Bill, I still don't understand

304. why you're actually here.

305. Do you want a ride or not?

306. Bill, keep your eyes on the road.

307. Oh, don't worry, Peggy.

308. - Strike two and a half!

309. - Get the hell out of there!

310. There's no smoking in the airport.

311. Well, that was a wonderful waste of time.

312. Admiral in distress!

313. Now, we want to be on the first flight tomorrow morning.

314. So, I'm going to set my watch alarm for 5:30.

315. Paging passenger Tom Ganaway.

316. Please pick up the nearest white courtesy phone.

317. Peggy. Peggy, I think that's Tom Ganaway.

318. All right. Good night, everybody.

319. Good morning and Happy Thanksgiving to you all.

320. I'm pleased to announce that flight 211 to Billings is now boarding.

321. We know it's been a difficult night,

322. but in appreciation of your patience,

323. your headsets will be free.

324. Miss Platter, we've oversold the Coach section.

325. Since you're traveling on a full-fare Coach ticket,

326. we're going to bump you up to First-Class.

327. Good morning, Hills.

328. Yes, I use Gold Club miles

329. to upgrade to honeymoon suite.

330. Best rest of my life.

331. Yeah, well, I was too excited to sleep, I tell you what!

332. I'm going to visit my in-laws!

333. I'm sorry, sir, you're going to have to check that.

334. This isn't fair.

335. It meets the cubic feet requirement.

336. It's just oddly shaped.

337. Oh, for God's sake, Hank, there's no time.

338. Just check it.

339. Please hurry up and take your seats.

340. We only have a small break in the weather to take off.

341. Well, they're still loading the luggage.

342. Looks like a good crew.

343. Boy, that big gal can really toss a bag.

344. Look at her.

345. Um, that curtain over there, what's it for?

346. It separates First-Class from Coach.

347. I'd like that closed.

348. Hey, there's my turkey box.

349. Yeah, those dogs sure know a good smoked turkey when they smell it.

350. Hey, they're not going to forget my turkey, are they?

351. Peggy, get the stewardess.

352. Oh, no, forget it. Here comes somebody.

353. What?

354. What in the heck is he doing?

355. My God, Hank, that's the bomb squad.

356. There's a bomb?

357. No, no, it's not a bomb, it's a turkey.

358. It's a smoked turkey, you idiot!

359. Get away from there!

360. Stop that! Hey. You... you there!

361. Oh, please, God, no!

362. I'm sorry, but the bad weather has moved back in

363. and we've lost our window for takeoff.

364. You blew up the wrong man's turkey.

365. Now get me to Montana!

366. I've got ten hours to buy and smoke a bird.

367. Well, DFW is completely shut down.

368. Ah, but Love Field is getting flights out,

369. and there's one to Montana that leaves in an hour.

370. Love Field is clear across town.

371. The airport bus is leaving in five minutes.

372. It's your only chance.

373. Did you hear something? What did he say?

374. Uh, nothing.

375. Looks like we're going to be here a while.

376. Dang airlines, you know.

377. Yeah.

378. Get your bags, start walking. Bobby, Luanne, follow me.

379. Hank, where are we going?

380. - What's the... - Just walk.

381. Walk slowly. Walk, walk, walk.

382. - Run! - Oh!

383. Oh, Hank, they are jammed butt to gut in there.

384. There's no room.

385. You said this was war, right?

386. Well, I'm tired of fighting fair.

387. We're going to do it your way, Peggy.

388. The dirty way.

389. Hold on, I got four more.

390. You can try.

391. Bobby, I need an inch.

392. Montana, here we come.

393. Wait. Stop the bus.

394. Y'all have a Happy Thanksgiving.

395. No, it was not Brown Betty. No, it was bread.

396. When I gave up my place on that bus,

397. I assumed the food court would be open.

398. Well, I told my mother we weren't going to make it,

399. and she was disappointed.

400. And, Luanne...

401. Honey, I'm sorry, but your father...

402. Your father had to go back to the oil rig.

403. There were no flight delays in Montana.

404. - The temperature's been in the mid-70s.

405. - Oh, no!

406. They went swimming.

407. Hey, Boomhauer.

408. I'm sorry you didn't get to see your mother.

409. Hey, man, you want to talk about sorry, man.

410. That dang ol' stewardess. Dang born again.

411. Talkin' about a damn old cold shower.

412. Four hours stuck on the tarmac.

413. I look out window, what do I see?

414. A frozen Gribble.

415. The only thing that kept me going

416. was my will to smoke again,

417. and the ashtrays from an Alitalia flight.

418. Well, there you are, Nancy.

419. I've been searching all over the airport for you.

420. Oh, Dale, I searched for you as well.

421. This is the worst Thanksgiving ever.

422. Come on, everybody.

423. We've all got a lot to be thankful about.

424. It doesn't matter if we're in Montana or California or Miami.

425. The important thing is we're all together.

426. So, let's have our Thanksgiving dinner.

427. Now, uh, I've got a stick of gum.

428. I was saving it for the airplane.

429. You know, to pop my ears.

430. I have some leftover pizza from Papa Capone's.

431. Yo, man, I got them dang ol' airplane nuts, man.

432. I got a dang ol' bags of them, man. That's all I got.

433. I have a can of yams.

434. Well, I got some turkey and all the trimmings.

435. Actually, I don't have anything. I...

436. I don't even have an Uncle Stan.

437. I made him up.

438. - Yeah, yeah, kind of figured that. - Mm-hm.

439. Very sad.

440. I guess cold pizza's better than nothing.

441. It doesn't have to be cold.

442. Okay, as is tradition,

443. I will now carve the Thanksgiving pizza.

444. Wait a second. With those sugar packets,

445. these pats of margarine, some leftover pizza crust,

446. and that propane grill,

447. I can jerry-bake us up a Brown Betty!

448. Well, you do make the best Brown Betty in the...

449. Yes, I do.

450. I hate Thanksgiving!