1. Twenty biology quizzes
and not one smiley face.Copy !req
2. Their grades are plummeting
even faster than I didCopy !req
3. when I fell out of that airplane.Copy !req
4. Uh, Peggy, remember, the therapist saidCopy !req
5. to go easy on your spine.Copy !req
6. You may want to shorten your back swingCopy !req
7. on those checkmarks.Copy !req
8. Hank, the best therapy for my backCopy !req
9. will be lifting my third straight
substitute teacher of the year awardCopy !req
10. high above my head in triumph!Copy !req
11. Falling from that plane
may have broken my spine,Copy !req
12. but it could not break my teaching bone.Copy !req
13. No, not even if one existed.Copy !req
14. Uh, Mom, I think you're using
the English keyCopy !req
15. to mark the bio tests.Copy !req
16. Oh! Um, well, yes.Copy !req
17. Oh, I am not used to teaching
so much non-Spanish.Copy !req
18. Come on, Peggy Hill, rookie mistake.Copy !req
19. Get it together.Copy !req
20. Uh-oh. I don't have the bio answer key.Copy !req
21. Bobby, find me a frog.Copy !req
22. Uh-huh.Copy !req
23. Well, I would suggest
you bleed out the excess pressureCopy !req
24. in the bypass line
because if you don't have—Copy !req
25. Is that a business call, Hank?Copy !req
26. Uh, not strictly, no.Copy !req
27. Hank, when was the last time
you took a day off?Copy !req
28. Well, I took a day off
when Bobby was born,Copy !req
29. but I wasn't really sick.Copy !req
30. I meant to tell you.
It just slipped my mind.Copy !req
31. I did come in that Saturday.Copy !req
32. What? You get the hell out of here, Hank.Copy !req
33. I'm getting squeezed
by some insurance company pencil stainCopy !req
34. who claims working too long
without a vacationCopy !req
35. can make you sloppy,Copy !req
36. and when you're sloppy in the propane biz,Copy !req
37. people die, and then my premiums go up.Copy !req
38. Sloppy?Copy !req
39. I challenge him to find
one single mistake...Copy !req
40. Whoa, whoa, Hank. Just take some time off.Copy !req
41. See you in two weeks.Copy !req
42. Couldn't I just take
my vacation at my desk?Copy !req
43. No!Copy !req
44. Teaching band today, are you?Copy !req
45. You know, after you win
substitute of the year this time,Copy !req
46. they might just rename it
"The Hill trophy."Copy !req
47. Oh.Copy !req
48. I can't suggest that, Hank.Copy !req
49. You'd have to suggest that.Copy !req
50. Well, I sure do have the time.Copy !req
51. This whole not working thing
is going to give me a heart attack,Copy !req
52. I tell you what.Copy !req
53. God, that'd be embarrassing.Copy !req
54. "Hank Hill found dead, not working."Copy !req
55. Well, I wish I could stay and help,Copy !req
56. but until they invent a machineCopy !req
57. that can stand in front of a band
and keep the beat...Copy !req
58. I am needed.Copy !req
59. Hmm.Copy !req
60. Mm?Copy !req
61. - Yep.
- So what'd you guys do?Copy !req
62. Any shaves today, Bill,Copy !req
63. - or just haircuts?
- Well...Copy !req
64. How's that new belt working out,
Boomhauer?Copy !req
65. - Dale, you kill any bugs?Copy !req
66. Did I?Copy !req
67. - No.
- Yeah! I did.Copy !req
68. It fell in the big jar of blue stuffCopy !req
69. where I keep my combs.Copy !req
70. Was it small like an ant
or crafty like a fly?Copy !req
71. I... I'm not sure.Copy !req
72. Fly.Copy !req
73. I'd come by tomorrow to pick it up,Copy !req
74. but my plate's full.Copy !req
75. Situation with a termite,
possibly more than one.Copy !req
76. Termites?Copy !req
77. Well, maybe you could use
an extra set of hands.Copy !req
78. Wingo! But you got to chip in for gas.Copy !req
79. And poison.Copy !req
80. Here is the beauty of tenting.Copy !req
81. Ground zero's officially hot for a week.Copy !req
82. It takes two days to spray.Copy !req
83. The rest of the time,
it's your own private playhouse.Copy !req
84. Go on. Take a spin on the bidet.Copy !req
85. Or did you think it was a water fountain?Copy !req
86. I did.Copy !req
87. I'm going home, Dale.Copy !req
88. I shouldn't even have let myself sitCopy !req
89. on a stranger's toilet lid.Copy !req
90. Man, this guy's got bad eyesight.Copy !req
91. So tell me about your day.Copy !req
92. How was, uh...Copy !req
93. math?Copy !req
94. We were doing conversions
on the overhead projectorCopy !req
95. and Mrs. Hosner
erased her mistakes with spit.Copy !req
96. Oh. Huh.Copy !req
97. Well, what'd you do before math?Copy !req
98. That's my new favorite class. Shop.Copy !req
99. Shop?Copy !req
100. Bobby, from now on, when I ask,
"How was your day?"Copy !req
101. I mean, "How was shop?"Copy !req
102. Oh, it's great.Copy !req
103. Our regular teacher
eloped with the lunch lady,Copy !req
104. so until the two of them
get back from Branson,Copy !req
105. Principal Moss is having us
use shop as a study hall.Copy !req
106. We don't have to make anything.Copy !req
107. What? Hold on, son.Copy !req
108. Now I want you to tell me again slowly.Copy !req
109. What happened to shop?Copy !req
110. You look so tired, Aunt Peggy.Copy !req
111. It's not a pretty look.Copy !req
112. Well, there is no rest
for a substitute teacher, Luanne,Copy !req
113. except for ten minutes every hour
and 45 minutes for lunch.Copy !req
114. I'm a pre-education major.Copy !req
115. Maybe I could be a substitute teacher.Copy !req
116. Oh. Luanne.Copy !req
117. Honey, I was not laughing at you.Copy !req
118. I was laughing at the idea.Copy !req
119. I'm sorry, Hank.Copy !req
120. The school board will not authorizeCopy !req
121. the funding for a substitute shop teacher.Copy !req
122. Heck, we can't even afford
to fix a dent in the gym floorCopy !req
123. where coach had his little fit.Copy !req
124. You know, I remember a fella
in my eighth grade shop class.Copy !req
125. Pretty handy with the coping saw,
nice guy.Copy !req
126. His name was Carl Moss.Copy !req
127. What ever happened to him?Copy !req
128. Got married, had kids, responsibilities.Copy !req
129. Things change, Hank.Copy !req
130. Well, one thing hasn't changed.
Kids need shop.Copy !req
131. Well, who's going to teach them?Copy !req
132. The only man handier
with a coping saw than Carl Moss.Copy !req
133. Jack Schermer?Copy !req
134. What? Jack was all flash.Copy !req
135. I coped circles around...Copy !req
136. Me! I'll teach shop,
and I'll do it for free.Copy !req
137. Okay, Hank.Copy !req
138. But with your wife
already a substitute teacher here,Copy !req
139. just keep the bitterness
and the "he said, she said"Copy !req
140. out of my school.Copy !req
141. We have a very good marriage.Copy !req
142. Then I don't want to catch you two
making out in the teachers' lounge.Copy !req
143. You won't!Copy !req
144. So, uh, should I have the students call me
Mr. Hill or Hank?Copy !req
145. Oh, good lord.Copy !req
146. And I thought I dodged a bullet
when Luanne wanted to teach.Copy !req
147. Are you comparing me to Luanne?Copy !req
148. Hank, sit down.Copy !req
149. I'm going to do for youCopy !req
150. what, at the beginning
of my career, I did for me.Copy !req
151. Create a unified theory of education.Copy !req
152. Now, teaching can be dividedCopy !req
153. into seven spectras.Copy !req
154. The salutatory, the attendatory,Copy !req
155. pedagogary...Copy !req
156. Wait. Let's see. How's it go? Uh, wait.Copy !req
157. Sir Arnold Prefers dining...Copy !req
158. "D." Oh! Disciplinaria.Copy !req
159. Which brings us to Sanitaria.Copy !req
160. Uh...Copy !req
161. Everybody looks pretty clean.Copy !req
162. Guess we could empty the trash.Copy !req
163. - Hmm.Copy !req
164. Uh, son, could you stand up a minute?Copy !req
165. Cool.Copy !req
166. Is that a switchblade?Copy !req
167. No, uh, it's a multi-tool.Copy !req
168. But it does have a saw.Copy !req
169. What else does it have?Copy !req
170. Well, it has a file,Copy !req
171. a serrated sheepsfoot blade,
a lanyard ring,Copy !req
172. you know, the usual.Copy !req
173. And for our purposes now, a Phillips head.Copy !req
174. Hey, do that thing again.Copy !req
175. What? This?Copy !req
176. Hey, what were you kids working onCopy !req
177. before they made this a study hall?Copy !req
178. Birdhouses.Copy !req
179. Let's see them.Copy !req
180. Uh-huh.Copy !req
181. Hmm.Copy !req
182. Okay, Joseph.Copy !req
183. Well, I don't see any reasonCopy !req
184. your father needs to find out about this.Copy !req
185. You know, birds can build
their own houses.Copy !req
186. They're called nests.Copy !req
187. But I've never seen a bird
build a boomerang or a dartboard.Copy !req
188. Okay, everyone, put on your goggles.Copy !req
189. Now, remember, everybody,Copy !req
190. goggles might make you look cool,Copy !req
191. but they're also part
of proper safety attire.Copy !req
192. I have this one student,
kind of a troublemaker.Copy !req
193. He likes to leave his rabbet plane
lying blade-down,Copy !req
194. but a project like this mini-foosball set
might just turn him around.Copy !req
195. So, can I assume that
my lesson plan got an "A"Copy !req
196. or is your highest grade an A-plus?Copy !req
197. Well, actually,
I was having a little troubleCopy !req
198. with the file cards,
so, well, I kind of winged it.Copy !req
199. Winged it?Copy !req
200. Well, you professional teachersCopy !req
201. probably have a special term for it,Copy !req
202. but I just fell back on natural instinct.Copy !req
203. It might not have been a pretty win,
but I'll take it.Copy !req
204. Hmm.Copy !req
205. Huh. Well, that's strange.Copy !req
206. We don't seem to have a bevel gauge.Copy !req
207. I'll bet you've got more toolsCopy !req
208. than the school does.Copy !req
209. And I'll bet the cost-benefit yahooCopy !req
210. who decided this shop
could do without a bevel gaugeCopy !req
211. has never even tried to test a bevel,Copy !req
212. much less a chamfer.Copy !req
213. Yeah. The big yahoo.Copy !req
214. That's looking good, Bobby.Copy !req
215. Just remember to clamp your butt joint.Copy !req
216. Oh. I get it.Copy !req
217. I'm sorry, Dad. I just... It's...Copy !req
218. No, no, it's okay. You're right.Copy !req
219. Joke's on me.Copy !req
220. You should use a miter joint here.Copy !req
221. That will look better.Copy !req
222. Than a?Copy !req
223. Butt joint.Copy !req
224. Right.Copy !req
225. Okay, son, now you're just rubbing it in.Copy !req
226. When we take the rose
out of the liquid nitrogen,Copy !req
227. it becomes as brittleCopy !req
228. as the most delicate crystal wine goblet.Copy !req
229. Oh, oh!Copy !req
230. Oh.Copy !req
231. The exciting thing
about the laws of nature is that...Copy !req
232. Well, you...Copy !req
233. never know what to expect.Copy !req
234. Nice sanding, Joseph.Copy !req
235. Boy, this napkin holder is smooth enoughCopy !req
236. to hold even the finest napkins.Copy !req
237. Your mom's going to love it.Copy !req
238. You see, this is why we do shop.Copy !req
239. Not to be more popular
or to get into college,Copy !req
240. but to sand and drill and chisel things
for our moms.Copy !req
241. - Yeah.
- Well, hey, there, Peggy.Copy !req
242. Welcome to my classroom.Copy !req
243. Hank, it's "Mrs. Peggy Hill"
in front of the voters,Copy !req
244. or "two-time substitute
of the year" Mrs. Hill.Copy !req
245. Yes, that sounds more natural.Copy !req
246. Didn't you hear the bell ring?Copy !req
247. In two minutes, these students
will be tardy somewhere.Copy !req
248. Did anyone show you
how to fill out a hall pass?Copy !req
249. No, but I made my own
rubber hall pass stamp.Copy !req
250. Hank, what is going to happenCopy !req
251. when that falls into the wrong hands?Copy !req
252. Well, I guess you don't have a stamp
to answer that, do you?Copy !req
253. Say, Carl, I hope you don't mind.Copy !req
254. I jotted down some basic supplies
we need in shop.Copy !req
255. We don't have the money
for all these fancy teaching aids.Copy !req
256. Like "wood."Copy !req
257. You know, the Carl Moss I knew wouldn't...Copy !req
258. Give it a rest, Hank.Copy !req
259. All parents care about these daysCopy !req
260. is zero-tolerance
drug policies and literacy.Copy !req
261. "Why can't Johnny read?Copy !req
262. Why can't Johnny read?"Copy !req
263. God, that gets old.Copy !req
264. But, Carl, shop is the foundation
of all learning.Copy !req
265. And I tell you what, a youngster
with a tool in both handsCopy !req
266. has no hands left to do drugs.Copy !req
267. They'll just put the tools downCopy !req
268. if they want to do the drugs bad enough.Copy !req
269. Joseph must have used
the last piece of mapleCopy !req
270. for his napkin holder.Copy !req
271. I wonder if it was like thisCopy !req
272. teaching shop during World War II.Copy !req
273. I don't know.Copy !req
274. You know what helped us win that war?Copy !req
275. People here at home
made do with what they had.Copy !req
276. Like when Clark's chair was squeaking,Copy !req
277. we all pitched in and fixed it.Copy !req
278. And that's exactly
what we're going to do now.Copy !req
279. This school is one big project
waiting to be fixed.Copy !req
280. Anyone notice that broken window
in the chemistry class?Copy !req
281. We could all bring some tools from home
to fix that window,Copy !req
282. or re-hang the letters
that blew off the school last winter.Copy !req
283. And no one's going to make fun of usCopy !req
284. for going to "Om Landy Middle School"
no more!Copy !req
285. - Oh, yeah.
- Yeah.Copy !req
286. "Here I sit broken-hearted.Copy !req
287. Came to..."Copy !req
288. Who brought a cordless power sander?Copy !req
289. I'm on it.Copy !req
290. I'll see you tomorrow
back in class, Mr. Hill.Copy !req
291. Remember, I called the drill press.Copy !req
292. Okay, then, Suzy.Copy !req
293. You know, I think they might like me.Copy !req
294. More important, though,
I think they might like shop.Copy !req
295. Well, that's just wonderful, Hank.Copy !req
296. But remember,
just because they're liking itCopy !req
297. does not mean they are learning it.Copy !req
298. Hey, Mr. Hill!Copy !req
299. Oh, and PS,Copy !req
300. watch out for the brown-nosers.Copy !req
301. If history teaches us anything,Copy !req
302. it is that an informal,
"pre-election vote,"Copy !req
303. or "straw poll," favors the proven winnerCopy !req
304. or the "incumbent."Copy !req
305. For our substitute teacher
of the year straw poll,Copy !req
306. the incumbent would be me,
Mrs. Peggy with-a-"y" Hill.Copy !req
307. Why should a straw poll
favor the incumbent?Copy !req
308. Good question.Copy !req
309. My theory is, voting for a winner is a way
for you to feel more popular, too.Copy !req
310. Okay, now please pass your ballots forward
so Shaun can count them.Copy !req
311. Wow, cool.Copy !req
312. Well, if possibly burning
our retinas is cool,Copy !req
313. then, yes, "cool."Copy !req
314. Okay, thank you, Shaun.Copy !req
315. Now I will announce the results.Copy !req
316. Three votes for Lara Croft,
whoever the heck that is.Copy !req
317. Four votes undecided. Okay.Copy !req
318. Four votes for Ms. Peggy Hill.
I thank you.Copy !req
319. And seven votes for...Copy !req
320. Mr. Hank Hill.Copy !req
321. I don't have any math homework, honest.Copy !req
322. Walk with me, Bobby.Copy !req
323. Oh, I don't understand.Copy !req
324. I mean, most of the students
who want to vote for himCopy !req
325. don't even take shop.Copy !req
326. Dad has very good buzz.Copy !req
327. And what is the word on me?Copy !req
328. I think you're seen as more of an insider.Copy !req
329. One of them. A suit.Copy !req
330. You know, they play, you dance.Copy !req
331. I got it.Copy !req
332. Okay, if the locker room's all re-grouted,Copy !req
333. why don't you go to the cafeteriaCopy !req
334. - and work on those dimmer switches?Copy !req
335. Mr. Hill, come quick.Copy !req
336. Something's happened to Bobby.Copy !req
337. See?Copy !req
338. Hank, I caught your boy carrying
these chisels and screwdriversCopy !req
339. and this toothy, pointy...Copy !req
340. Keyhole saw. They're tools, Carl.Copy !req
341. You used to know that.Copy !req
342. Well, yeah, maybe.Copy !req
343. But according to the school board's
zero-tolerance policy,Copy !req
344. anything that can be used
as a weapon is a weapon.Copy !req
345. Well, that's just asinine.Copy !req
346. Hey, my hands are tied.Copy !req
347. If I showed
even a little bit of tolerance,Copy !req
348. we couldn't call it "zero tolerance."Copy !req
349. I'm sorry, Hank.Copy !req
350. I'm going to have to suspend your boy.Copy !req
351. He didn't do anything wrong.Copy !req
352. I told all of my students
to bring tools in.Copy !req
353. Well, that cuts down on the paperwork.Copy !req
354. I'm going to have to suspend you.Copy !req
355. Emily!Copy !req
356. Escort Mr. Hill off school grounds.Copy !req
357. Don't you touch me.Copy !req
358. Kicked out of work, kicked out of school.Copy !req
359. This is the worst vacation ever.Copy !req
360. - Bubbles.
- Gotcha.Copy !req
361. Damn zero tolerance.Copy !req
362. Using a saw for a weapon
makes about as much senseCopy !req
363. as using a gun to cut a two-by-four.Copy !req
364. That's how my dad built my tree house.Copy !req
365. How he cleaned it, too.Copy !req
366. Bureaucrats like Moss
don't respond to reason, Hank.Copy !req
367. Let's toilet paper his yard.Copy !req
368. Eh, it's not just Moss.Copy !req
369. It's the whole dang school board.Copy !req
370. That's going to take a lot more TP.Copy !req
371. I think they keep it under the sink.Copy !req
372. Dad! Dad!Copy !req
373. Can we borrow your tools?Copy !req
374. I wanted to finish this cutting boardCopy !req
375. for my mom's birthday.Copy !req
376. And we've got no place to put our napkins.Copy !req
377. Well, okay.Copy !req
378. But you'll have to take turns.
I only have three circular saws.Copy !req
379. What about sanders?Copy !req
380. I have enough sanders for everyone.Copy !req
381. By now, you have probably
all heard about the suspensionCopy !req
382. of popular shop teacher, Mr. Hill.Copy !req
383. And his disqualification
for Substitute Teacher of the Year.Copy !req
384. That's so unfair.Copy !req
385. He lost his job.Copy !req
386. I... I could not agree more.Copy !req
387. And in protest, I, Peggy Hill,Copy !req
388. have decided
to take my name off the ballot.Copy !req
389. Instead, I will run as Mrs. Hank Hill.Copy !req
390. You might want to use a routerCopy !req
391. instead of that power drillCopy !req
392. for your grease moat there.Copy !req
393. Can we do a whole unit on routers
next week in class?Copy !req
394. Well, good idea, Suzy,
but it's not my class anymore.Copy !req
395. I could fight for reinstatement,Copy !req
396. but I got to get back
to the propane game on Monday.Copy !req
397. But that shouldn't stop you from pursuing
your own dreams of wood,Copy !req
398. plywood, pressed fiberboard,Copy !req
399. and, if you've got the talent, metal.Copy !req
400. You see, shop doesn't have to happen
in any special place,Copy !req
401. as long as it's well-lit
and the outlets are grounded,Copy !req
402. because shop is bigger
than any classroom or garageCopy !req
403. or stupid policy that makes tools illegal.Copy !req
404. It's in our hearts.Copy !req
405. Okay, let's sweep up.Copy !req
406. Honey, I called the school.Copy !req
407. They will let you back on school grounds,Copy !req
408. just for the awards ceremony.Copy !req
409. Well, that's terrific. I...Copy !req
410. Which I take as a very good
indication of my chances.Copy !req
411. Let's go.Copy !req
412. Now, before we meet
our new assistant swim coach,Copy !req
413. I'd like to announce the winner
of this year'sCopy !req
414. Substitute Teacher of the Year Award.Copy !req
415. "Mrs. Hank Hill."Copy !req
416. What?Copy !req
417. Oh!Copy !req
418. Oh, gosh, thank you!Copy !req
419. Oh, I... Who would have thought
that I would win three years in a row?Copy !req
420. Honey, my speech.Copy !req
421. Look, it's Mr. Hill.Copy !req
422. Do you hear that, Hank?Copy !req
423. I fell out of a plane,Copy !req
424. and just two months later,
I have landed on my feet.Copy !req
425. Mm-hm.Copy !req
426. All right, shop!Copy !req
427. Shop rules!
Yeah, shop!Copy !req
428. Gracias.Copy !req
429. I accept this on behalf of everyoneCopy !req
430. who has ever fallen out of a planeCopy !req
431. and lived to win her third straight
Substitute Teacher of the Year award.Copy !req
432. I am king of the school!Copy !req
433. Whoo-hoo!Copy !req
434. Yeah. The big yahoo.Copy !req