King of the Hill 4x3

Directed by Jeff Myers

Clint Black as Chad (voice) • Phil LaMarr as (voice) • David Herman as Eustis Miller (voice) • Andrew Lewis as (voice) • Jill Parker as (voice)

Bill is accepting, but Hank isn't, when opposing players lie down to let an injured high-school jock break Bill's touchdown record.

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1. Sports Jock. - And Chad. We're back.

2. Now, don't tell me Sports Jock took Pickins over Curney?

3. Well, Chad,

4. if you don't want me to tell you, I won't tell you.

5. Change of subject.

6. Here's a topic for the Sports Jock.

7. Arlen High's very own senior running back, Ricky Suggs.

8. Shh. Everybody drink quiet.

9. Oh, yeah. four touchdowns last night.

10. Now, I was at the Arroyo Diner,

11. and Ricky was the only thing anyone was talking about.

12. That is, except for the Arroyo's lime ambrosia.

13. Mmm, mmm. I call that uptown good eating!

14. You know, if Ricky keeps up this pace,

15. he'll capture the career touchdown record,

16. which, I might add, has stood for over 20 years.

17. Well, it looks like we've got our Sports Jock and Chad

18. question of the day.

19. Who currently holds that record,

20. and here's the tricky part,

21. what position did he play?

22. Winner gets a Sports Jock T-shirt

23. and dinner for two at the Arroyo.

24. Uptown.

25. We're Sports Jock and Chad,

26. two faces better off in radio.

27. - We'll be right back.

28. Yo, man, dang ol' Bill Dauterive.

29. Man, dang ol' defensive lineman.

30. I don't want to miss it if Ricky ties my record.

31. I'm going to the little lineman's room now.

32. This record is all Bill's got.

33. Should we rock, paper, scissors

34. to see who keeps him from killing himself in the bathroom?

35. Well, he seems okay.

36. - Interception!

37. Who is it? I'm out of focus!

38. - Focus me, Hank! - It's Ricky!

39. He's going to take it back all the way.

40. Whoo-hoo! There you go, Ricky! Ricky!

41. And that ties the record for career touchdowns

42. currently held by class of '74, Bill Dauterive,

43. who's here in the stands tonight.

44. Let's give them both a hand.

45. - Hey.

46. You the man, Ricky!

47. Well, I don't think we have to worry about Bill.

48. Now, I've never done a radio interview before,

49. but hardly a week goes by

50. that I don't do a telephone survey about my long distance service.

51. Uh, Bill, I'm not trying to make you nervous,

52. but this is the Sports Jock and Chad.

53. Nah, I just see it like talking to some old friends.

54. Excuse me.

55. Maybe I need a mint.

56. Okay, this is it.

57. Hello, Sports Jock.

58. Hello, Chad.

59. Hey, hold on, we've got a little feedback here.

60. Is your radio on, Bill?

61. Say no! Say no!

62. Hell, it would just tear me up

63. if some young buck was about to get my record.

64. Some folks drink, but I find what's best for what ails me

65. is to head on down to the Arroyo Diner

66. for their delicious chicken-fried steak

67. just sopping in cream gravy.

68. Mmm, that is uptown.

69. But let's get back to Bill.

70. I like the yam biscuits.

71. Uh, Bill, our listeners want to hear about your record.

72. Oh, yeah.

73. It was 1974,

74. and we were playing the Wauhatchie Cowboys.

75. The ball was on the three-yard line with five seconds left.

76. We needed a touchdown to win,

77. and that's when coach called for...

78. the Billdozer!

79. Man, they gonna take them down set, man.

80. Take a hike.

81. Yep. Chipped my spine on that play.

82. Well, look at Bill. Lucky dog.

83. You know, the principal comped his ticket.

84. Almost makes me wish

85. some kid would make a run at one of my records.

86. Eh, won't ever happen.

87. Ricky Suggs gets the handoff.

88. This could be it!

89. - Oh!

90. What a hit! Suggs is down.

91. Looks like it's his knee.

92. Boy, if he wasn't playing on St. Augustine grass, I...

93. I don't even want to think about it.

94. Wingo! Ha-ha!

95. For a second, I thought I was the only one

96. who was happy about Ricky being hurt.

97. She said it.

98. Ricky Suggs, I was so sorry to hear about your injury.

99. Torn ACL, you are lucky you are not a horse, young man.

100. Doctors say I'm out for the season.

101. Oh, please. What do doctors know?

102. A doctor told me I might not walk again.

103. Well, not only am I walking,

104. I hear his marriage has gone south, too.

105. Yeah. Okay.

106. That's the attitude.

107. Now, get over there and spot me, Ricky.

108. That Bennett boy's a Hoss, all right,

109. and wait till he hits junior high.

110. Oh, yeah, he can play football.

111. Sports jock, this is not a rumor!

112. Ricky Suggs, back in action!

113. This Friday.

114. Funk and Wagnall!

115. He'll be going for the touchdown record against Hentoff.

116. That kid is uptown all the way.

117. One week after a torn ACL.

118. Only Ricky and I know how tough it is to get this far.

119. He won't let anything stand in his way.

120. Yup, and I remember hemorrhage

121. and embolism, even detached retina.

122. It sounded scary, but when you smell the goal line,

123. they're only words.

124. Just words.

125. Let's get moving.

126. Why are you in such a hurry

127. to witness Bill's soul-shattering collapse

128. when Ricky Suggs crosses that goal line?

129. Have you been talking to Dale?

130. Because he's saying the same thing.

131. You both think Bill will be depressed.

132. Well, I'll tell you what, I am impressed

133. with the way Bill has handled this

134. with sportsmanship and dignity.

135. Does this finger go with these short pants?

136. You the man!

137. You the man!

138. I'm sorry I got cotton candy in your hair.

139. And Arlen has a first and goal!

140. Time-out for a substitution.

141. It's Ricky Suggs coming in to break the record

142. for most career touchdowns!

143. What a competitor.

144. Wow, look at him. He can barely walk.

145. Boy, I tell you what, if that boy doesn't make it in the NFL,

146. he's got a job at Strickland Propane.

147. Pending Mr. Strickland's approval.

148. Ricky!

149. Ricky! Ricky! Ricky!

150. Hup. Hike.

151. Thanks.

152. - What the...

153. Nobody's trying to tackle him. They're letting him score.

154. Wha, wha... what?

155. Ricky Suggs!

156. The new touchdown record holder!

157. Hey! now they're carrying him in

158. for the two-point conversion!

159. Too much!

160. May God have mercy on you all.

161. Now that Ricky has broken the record,

162. Arlen will allow Hentoff to score a makeup touchdown.

163. Huh?

164. I'd like to thank everyone who made this possible.

165. My coach, God, and the school board.

166. I also want to thank Mr. Deebatrove

167. for taking such good care of the trophy ball.

168. Well... uh...

169. - Oh.

170. Yep.

171. - Said, "Yep."

172. Bill, there's being a good sport,

173. and then there's just plain being cheated.

174. I don't know.

175. Everybody seemed real happy about Ricky breaking the record.

176. Yo, man, it's dang ol' six o'clock sharp, man,

177. on the dang ol' Sports Jock and Chad. Come on, man.

178. Now, don't go saying the Sports Jock

179. should be fitted for a skirt and some of them pretty hoop earrings,

180. but I got a tear in my eye last night

181. watching Ricky break that record.

182. Mm-hm.

183. What? The Sports Jock, maybe, but Chad?

184. Come on. Isn't anyone going to say what we all better be thinking?

185. It's an... outrage?

186. That's right, Dale.

187. I am outraged!

188. I really am.

189. Bill, if we feel this cheated,

190. I can't imagine how bad you must feel.

191. Oh, I feel bad I couldn't help Ricky across the line, of course.

192. Oh, for the love of...

193. You... you don't understand.

194. You know, I never really appreciated my record

195. till Ricky broke it.

196. I think I'll send him a "thank you" note.

197. Yeah. No, no.

198. You know what I'm going to do?

199. I'm going to bake him some muffins.

200. Yeah, some...

201. All right, then. I'll see you tomorrow!

202. Well, I'll still listen to the traffic and weather report.

203. And the fishing report. But that's it.

204. I have had it with the "Sports Jerk,"

205. and, uh, Chad.

206. Hank, facts are facts,

207. and the fact is that boy would have blown the old record out of the water

208. if he didn't get hurt.

209. Well, I don't know why you're so mad, Hank.

210. If the fat, bald guy who had the record doesn't care, why should you?

211. His name is Bill.

212. You played on his team.

213. That was Bill?

214. Good Lord.

215. Mega Lo-screws? Hank.

216. I couldn't give the hardware store my business.

217. Not with Ricky Suggs fever infecting the place.

218. 952. 53.

219. Hey. I'm setting a new world's record.

220. Well, that's real good, Bobby,

221. but I think you have to start over when you fall off.

222. I'll be honest with you, Dad.

223. I'm not in the best shape,

224. and this is the only way I'm going to make it.

225. Nine hundred fif...

226. Uh...

227. Wait. How many was that?

228. Let's call it an even thousand.

229. Dang it, Bobby.

230. That's not how you set a record.

231. Okay.

232. One...

233. One!

234. One...

235. Oh, forget it.

236. That Ricky Suggs.

237. I can't believe they let him limp his way into the record book.

238. Mm. Poor Bill.

239. He was living in his past, and that boy has stolen it.

240. Where is Bill supposed to live now?

241. Mr. Chairman, I would like to respectfully suggest

242. that you put an asterisk next to Ricky Suggs' name

243. in the record book.

244. And that asterisk should read: "This record was attained

245. by means of fraud and bad sportsmanship."

246. Thank you.

247. I don't agree with him.

248. That suggestion is denied, Mr. Hill.

249. Ricky Suggs is an inspiration to us all.

250. Now on to more important matters.

251. My motion to add "fatty-fatty boombalatty"

252. to the list of unacceptable hate speech.

253. Remember when we used to run wind sprints out here

254. till we couldn't stop throwing up?

255. Mm-hm. When we were kings, Hank.

256. You okay?

257. Oh, sure.

258. Good sport doesn't whine when things don't go his way.

259. Yeah, but good sports play by the rules.

260. You did. They didn't.

261. Hey, how about that time we snuck into the stadium

262. and mowed the whole field

263. before the groundskeeper could?

264. The look on his face right before we apologized!

265. - Yeah. We were crazy.

266. I can thank the Army for straightening me out.

267. Yeah. You were a changed man when you came back.

268. Oh, yeah. I may not have made it to Vietnam,

269. since the war ended right after I volunteered,

270. but barber school at Fort Bragg...

271. baptism by fire, my friend.

272. Yeah. It's too bad you had to ship out

273. before the end of our last season.

274. Well, the country needed barbers

275. and I was flunking trigonometry.

276. Huh.

277. You weren't around at graduation.

278. Or senior prom.

279. Was there dancing?

280. Coach, what happens if a player gets injured

281. or can't finish his season?

282. Well, we red-shirt him

283. and then let him make up the games the next season.

284. What if he's out for a couple of seasons?

285. Well, as long as he hasn't graduated,

286. he keeps his eligibility and plays the next season.

287. Well, what if he's out for 25 seasons?

288. Oh, Hank, find a pickup game.

289. I'm talking about William Fontaine de la tour Dauterive.

290. The Billdozer.

291. He still has red-shirt eligibility.

292. He didn't finish his senior season,

293. and you can put him in Friday's game.

294. Are you asking me to slice another piece of phony baloney

295. like they made me at last week's game?

296. No, I'm not asking you to fix the game.

297. I'm asking you to fix an injustice.

298. Just put Bill in and let him get his record back

299. fair and square.

300. Let's show those kids how we used to play football.

301. I'd have to cut somebody...

302. Uh, you got that exchange student

303. who kicks barefoot.

304. Think we've all had enough of that.

305. I can play again?

306. Thank God I never graduated from high school!

307. Hey. Do I have to go to class, too?

308. Come on, Bill. You're on the football team.

309. Just like the old days.

310. Mm. There it is.

311. My old uniform.

312. Haven't worn it since my 30th birthday party.

313. Suit up, Billdozer.

314. Hank, how'd my head get so fat?

315. Uh...

316. I don't know, Hank. I'm still an athlete.

317. I got my pride.

318. I'm not sure how I feel about the other team

319. just rolling over for me.

320. Well, don't you worry about that.

321. Belton has the toughest defensive line in the division.

322. You know, the whole first string flunked history last year

323. so they could come back and go to State.

324. - Hmm. - They'll never roll over.

325. Oh.

326. Good.

327. Bobby, success on the field

328. depends on hard work off the field.

329. That's why I run a tough practice,

330. but a fun practice.

331. Now, watch this.

332. Hey, Bill, what's that over there?

333. - Where?

334. Made ya look!

335. Okay. Let's hit the tackling sled.

336. Bobby, go help Boomhauer.

337. - Go, Bill! Go! Go!

338. Okay, Bobby, start taunting.

339. Hey, batter, batter, batter, su...

340. Wait. No.

341. Come on, ya ol' tub of slop! Move your can!

342. Oh, man.

343. That's it, Hank.

344. This Billdozer's out of gas.

345. I can either train, or...

346. I can play, but I can't do both.

347. All right. Hit the showers.

348. Too tired.

349. I'll get the hose.

350. When I crossed that goal line and set the record,

351. I didn't do it just for me.

352. I did it for my girlfriend.

353. - I love you, Ricky! - I love you, Ricky.

354. And for everyone here at Arlen High.

355. Except for old man crybaby

356. who's probably going to cost us the game.

357. Whoa! Okay, thank you, Ricky.

358. Ricky Suggs!

359. Okay, now, settle down, class of... aught one.

360. We have a new addition to the team.

361. Boo! Get off!

362. Hey! Now, this guy was setting football records

363. before you were born.

364. He fought for your freedom in North Carolina during 'Nam.

365. I'm honored to introduce...

366. the Billdozer!

367. Arlen's number one!

368. Hey, where's the party tonight?

369. Anyone's parents out of town?

370. Loser!

371. Hey, my parents aren't even alive.

372. Party at my place!

373. Yeah!

374. 'Kay.

375. Okay, everybody. Huddle up.

376. Oh, come on, guys.

377. Too cool to sing the school song?

378. We changed it back in '97.

379. It's, uh, Candle in the Wind now.

380. Oh, Marilyn Monroe, or England's Rose?

381. Let's see some blocking now.

382. - Hike!

383. Arlen to punt the ball.

384. If we could just get into scoring position,

385. we'd get to see Bill put in the game.

386. Don't have a heart attack, mister.

387. Aspirin this morning, red wine last night.

388. Don't worry about me.

389. Fumble-laya!

390. Sure is, Bobby, and Arlen's in scoring position.

391. Okay, Bill.

392. We may not have their youth or speed,

393. or performance-enhancing drugs,

394. but we got something they don't.

395. Guts.

396. Now, go out there and get us a touchdown, Billdozer.

397. I guess we're giving it to Mr. Dauterive.

398. Just don't step on me.

399. Now in the backfield for Arlen,

400. bringing the number 72 out of retirement,

401. Army Sergeant Barber Bill "the Billdozer" Dauterive!

402. Hey, that's the Billdozer growl.

403. And I think that's the Billdozer.

404. Down!

405. Set!

406. Hike!

407. I'm open! I'm open!

408. No.

409. - Touchdown!

410. Uh-huh! Uh-huh!

411. No fair!

412. Asterisk! Asterisk!

413. Way to go, Mr. Dauterive!

414. My dad said you were good.

415. Good job, man.

416. You did it, Bill! Way to go!

417. I scored for Arlen?

418. Yep, and you tied the record.

419. There's still time on the clock.

420. If Arlen gets the ball again,

421. you can get the record back.

422. When Ricky tied my record, he did it fair and square.

423. I am honored to share it with him.

424. Besides, I can't get up.

425. Thank you, Hank.

426. I couldn't have done this without you.

427. No, sir. You the man.

428. No-oh. You the man.

429. I can't point, Hank.

430. That's okay.

431. Don't look down at your leg.

432. Oh, it'll be a battle, all right.

433. You know St. Margaret's

434. wants revenge for that butt-whupping they got served up last year.

435. You know, their coach should have Dauterive

436. give them their halftime speech.

437. I never seen anything like him.

438. Heart like a lion.

439. Old time football.

440. Shoot, I thought he was dead when they wheeled him off the field,

441. but then just two hours later,

442. he was eating the jalapeño corn bread at the Arroyo diner.

443. That man is uptown!

444. No doubt about it.