King of the Hill 4x24

Directed by Jeff Myers

Tony Danza as Self (voice) • Lisa Hartman as Self (voice) • Martina McBride as Self (voice) • Vince Gill as Assistant Pastor Larry (voice) • Charlie Daniels as Self (voice) • Vince Gill as Assistant Pastor Larry (voice)

At Nashville's Fan Fair, Peggy accuses Randy Travis of stealing her song, while Brooks & Dunn counsel Bobby about Connie.

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Subtitle languages: English • Spanish • Brazilian Portuguese

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1. I have done it, Hank.

2. I have finally done it.

3. I have gotten someone to respond to my letter.

4. You see, Peggy?

5. You just needed to find a pen pal

6. with as much free time as you have.

7. No. I sent song lyrics to every major country music star

8. and I finally got this from Mr. Randy Travis.

9. Randy Travis?

10. Oh, okay.

11. "Dear songwriter, we regret to inform you

12. blah, blah, blah, legal reasons,

13. blah, blah, never read it, blah, blah, blah.

14. Once again, good luck with your songwriting career.

15. Signed, Rob Rieders of the law firm Rieders & Anatol."

16. Huh? Kind of sounds to me like Randy Travis's lawyer

17. sent you a rejection letter.

18. Oh, Hank, they have to say that.

19. Travis loved my lyrics.

20. He called me a songwriter.

21. He said I have a career in front of me.

22. And you know what?

23. He is right.

24. - Yahoo!

25. We've had many great suggestions for our church bus trip this year

26. and we've decided to go to Country Music Fan Fair

27. - in Nashville, Tennessee. - I win!

28. That was my suggestion.

29. Thank you, Assistant Pastor Rayburn.

30. For those of you who don't know,

31. I am Peggy Hill.

32. And Fan Fair is a four-day festival,

33. where we will get to meet our favorite country music stars

34. including my friend, Randy Travis.

35. Okay, may God look upon you with kindness

36. and give you peace. Amen.

37. You are now dismissed.

38. Connie, I'm going to miss you so much.

39. I got you this phone card at the mall.

40. It's good for ten minutes

41. and it has Tony Danza's picture on it.

42. Connie, my girl

43. Buddha broke the mold when he made you.

44. Okay, people! Two-minute warning!

45. Please see me for your seat assignments before you get on the bus.

46. I was planning to let people sit wherever they wanted, like church.

47. Church is not a field trip.

48. As a substitute educator, I know field trips,

49. and as a country songwriter, I also know Nashville.

50. Um, Peggy, I'm the assistant pastor of this congregation

51. and I did go to divinity school in Nashville

52. where I wrote a hymn or two.

53. Yes, but you did not get a letter from Randy Travis and I did.

54. - On the bus!

55. Good morning, fan fair-ers and fan fair-ees.

56. I will be calling out various highlights

57. of our 14-hour trip to Nashville.

58. Our first stop

59. will be the world's largest fiberglass raven,

60. which is also the largest raven I have ever seen.

61. Congratulations to Eustice Miller,

62. who came closest with a guess of 61.

63. The number I was thinking of... was 64.

64. Yes!

65. Hank, is she going to play camp counselor

66. through the entire state of Arkansas?

67. Aw, come on, Dale, she's just having fun.

68. Think of another number, Peggy!

69. Hello, Mr. Souphanousinphone.

70. Is Connie there?

71. Connie? Uh...

72. She's not here. She's...

73. Where is she?

74. If Connie want to go swimming all afternoon

75. with Chane Wassanassong, that her business.

76. Enjoy your hillbilly festival!

77. Hey, this is Tony Danza. You've got eight minutes left.

78. On behalf of Fan Fair,

79. let me be the first to welcome you with a little song

80. written by Peggy Hill.

81. Thank you.

82. Dinner's ready!

83. I hope you brought your appetites.

84. We are having spa-Peggy and meatballs.

85. Did she say "spa-Peggy"?

86. Well, spa-Peggy is a lot like spaghetti.

87. I'm not sure what Peggy does different...

88. If anything...

89. But it's the one dish she's kind of made her own.

90. Well, hey there, cowboy. Now, who's this pretty gal, your wife?

91. We're not married.

92. We're just sharing a tent.

93. And we're cousins.

94. Can you just sign our books, and we'll be on our way?

95. Whoa. What's the trouble, bubble?

96. I think my girlfriend left me.

97. Oh. Ladies and gentlemen, it's going to be just a little while.

98. We've got a situation here.

99. So every time you call, Mr. Superphone

100. tells you that Connie's out with this Chane fella.

101. He said for the first time in her life

102. Connie is actually happy.

103. It sounds like her daddy is using his Chane to yank your chain.

104. Kix is right. Heck, I got a teenage daughter at home

105. and every time her boyfriend calls,

106. I say she's out with Brad Pitt.

107. Ooh!

108. I love Brad Pitt!

109. Your daughter is so lucky.

110. No, Luanne, don't you get it?

111. Connie and I are back together.

112. Look! Look! It's really him!

113. It's Randy Travis, just like on the album cover!

114. Oh... take a picture of me giving him my lyrics.

115. Someday my fans will want to remember this moment.

116. - Wait. Oh...

117. Oh...

118. I'll take my sandwich now.

119. You know, there is a line here.

120. - What the... - You stole my song!

121. No, no, no! No, you don't understand.

122. I am not the bad guy. Hank, will you say something?

123. Why did you punch Randy Travis?

124. "This is just the way God made me."

125. I wrote that.

126. Excuse me, fellas. Hold up a second.

127. I'm Mr. Travis's manager.

128. Randy would like to speak to the lady.

129. And we completely understand

130. if you don't want to give us an autograph.

131. I have proof of your thievery.

132. You said I had a promising songwriting career.

133. Now, how do you plead?

134. I don't plead anything, ma'am.

135. I never saw your song.

136. This is a form letter from my guard dog lawyers.

137. If I had a dime for every song a fan sent me,

138. I'd be Dolly Parton rich.

139. Well, that explains it.

140. - Thank you. - Not to me, it does not.

141. You think this is the first time

142. two songwriters came up with similar lyrics?

143. Stand by Your Man, Tammy Wynette,

144. Understand Your Man, Johnny Cash.

145. Do you see a pattern here?

146. Yes, but "This Is Just the Way God Made Me"

147. is uniquely Peggy Hill.

148. You see, I grew up in Montana, and I had very big feet...

149. I still do... and when other kids would make fun of me,

150. my grandma told me to tell them,

151. "This is just the way God made me",

152. and today, I am able to pass that wisdom on to my students.

153. You see, I am a Boggle champion and a substitute teacher.

154. Good for you. Teaching is important.

155. Hank, what do you do for a living?

156. I sell propane and propane accessories.

157. Huh. Propane salesman.

158. Now, that's something that would make a good song.

159. I have been saying that for years.

160. Me, too.

161. Bobby, I put out two of your mom's Apple Brown Bettys.

162. Now, I'm no math magician, but there's only one here now.

163. Did you eat the other one?

164. I can see how you might jump to that conclusion

165. given last night's cupcake incident,

166. and yes, I did take the Apple Brown Betty...

167. But it's for Brooks and Dunn, to thank them for easing my pain.

168. Dinner!

169. Lord, thank you for the food we're about to eat,

170. for the quick-moving line at the Sawyer Brown booth,

171. for the calm skies...

172. And please, God, please punish Randy Travis

173. for stealing my song.

174. - Amen.

175. And Miss Faith Hill strained her vocal cords

176. cheering on her team at the celebrity softball game.

177. Her team still lost,

178. thanks to a costly error by Garth Brooks.

179. - As pretty as Faith is,

180. we've got someone almost as pretty...

181. Mr. Randy Travis!

182. I'm surprised Randy Travis

183. isn't still at the game stealing bases.

184. Aw, come on, Peggy, this is our vacation.

185. Can't we just have a good time?

186. Look, you can have whatever kind of time you like.

187. I am going to sit here and boo.

188. Would a couple of beers help the situation?

189. Boo! Boo!

190. It sure would help me.

191. Careful where you step, Lisa.

192. That John Michael Montgomery's

193. been riding that horse of his around here.

194. Whoa!

195. Dad gummit, John Michael!

196. Clint, I want a horse for my birthday.

197. Oh, you got it, honey.

198. Ideally, I would have gotten Brooks and Dunn

199. matching Fan Fair water bottles

200. but I didn't have $40.

201. This Brown Betty was priced to move.

202. Just shove it back in the pan. Nobody'll know the difference.

203. Excuse me, partner. You mind if I step in front of you?

204. Well, I've been waiting...

205. Oh, my God, you're Charlie Daniels.

206. Mr. Daniels, I'm a huge fan.

207. It would be an honor to let you cut in front of me.

208. Well, I appreciate it.

209. I tell you what, why don't you let me get you something, too?

210. - What are you drinking? - Oh, an Alamo, please.

211. Let me have a Coke with no ice

212. and an Alamo for my new friend here.

213. That'll be four dollars, slim.

214. - Thank you.

215. Thank you very much. You're very kind.

216. Hey, this next one has got a little story behind it.

217. When I was a kid, you see, I spent a lot of time in Montana...

218. cold, cold winters up there,

219. and when I was about nine or ten,

220. my feet were growing just a little bit faster than the rest of me.

221. - What? - I mean, I had big feet...

222. We're talking, like, Bozo-sized, folks...

223. and when the other kids would make fun of me,

224. you see, my dad, who I might add, was a substitute school teacher...

225. - ... told me, "You tell them,

226. 'This is just the way God made me.'"

227. But... But... But that's my story!

228. Two, three, four...

229. Hank!

230. So I called, and Connie's dad answered.

231. I disguised my voice and said I was from

232. Who's Who in American Middle School Students.

233. He put me right through.

234. That only works once.

235. And thanks for the Brown Betty.

236. Thanks for Boot Scootin' Boogie!

237. All right, let's dig into that Apple Betty.

238. Hey, get your own... the boy gave it to me.

239. It was meant for both of us.

240. Well, you kept the sweater that gal from Syracuse gave us.

241. Well, how am I supposed to share a sweater, Kix?

242. You want me to rip it in half?

243. Mmm! This is good pie!

244. Hank? Where were you?

245. Travis told my story!

246. He said that it happened to him.

247. He stole Boggle, he stole Montana,

248. - he stole my big feet! - Shh!

249. Who said that? Who... who said that?

250. All right, let's go outside.

251. I cannot believe you are siding with Travis.

252. - I... I am your wife. - Uh, look.

253. I believe you believe you wrote that song,

254. and I believe you believe he stole your story,

255. but that doesn't make it true.

256. So, I'm a liar?

257. - Why would I make this up, Hank?

258. Well, Peggy, you've got a pretty high opinion of yourself...

259. Oh, then, I should have a low opinion of myself?

260. - Is that what you're saying? - No, no, not at all, it's just that...

261. you've done so much in your life,

262. you don't need to take credit for things you haven't done.

263. Like writing that song and, you know... the other stuff.

264. What other stuff?

265. Well, like dinner.

266. I mean, I think it's cute that you call it

267. spa-Peggy and meatballs,

268. but... you know, it's just noodles

269. and tomato sauce and balls of meat.

270. But then, I add just the right amount of sugar

271. and grated parmesano cheese.

272. Okay, when we were setting up camp,

273. you said that in your opinion

274. kindling is the best wood to start a fire.

275. Isn't it, Hank?

276. Of course it is, but it's not your opinion.

277. It's a known fact.

278. Now you say Randy Travis has taken your childhood

279. and calling it his own. It's getting crazy.

280. So now I'm crazy?

281. Well, it's... a gray area.

282. I told you the truth, Hank.

283. If I am lying, may God strike me down right now.

284. Ha!

285. This is Mockingbird calling the Sparrow.

286. - Hi, Dale. - Use code names, Bill.

287. - I'm Mockingbird. - Sorry, Dale.

288. Oh, hey, Peg-guin. Where's the Big Bird?

289. Hank and I are spending the rest of Fan Fair apart

290. because of Randy Travis.

291. He took me back to his trailer and lied to my face.

292. I'd like to spit on that trailer.

293. Aw, what would that solve?

294. We ought to wrap the trailer in toilet paper.

295. I think I have some left over from the Billy Ray Cyrus job.

296. Yes, I like that.

297. I like that a lot.

298. - All right, just one more.

299. Then I've got to go find Peggy.

300. Everybody smile.

301. You're not smiling, Mr. Brooks.

302. Mockingbird, this is the Peg-guin.

303. We are at 50% tissue coverage.

304. Morale is high.

305. - How's Travis? - Contained.

306. I will secure an autograph made out to all of us.

307. It will be our alibi. Out.

308. Okay, Bill, throw it. Throw it back over.

309. I did a minute ago. It should have landed by now.

310. Boomhauer, give me a boost.

311. Nah, it's okay. I'll get it.

312. Do you see it?

313. Well, it never would have happened

314. if he hadn't stolen my song.

315. Hey! Hey, somebody... Somebody help!

316. Get me out of here!

317. Help me get out...

318. And remember, not one word.

319. As I like to say, what is done is done.

320. Peggy, where have you been?

321. We dumped Randy Travis's trailer in the lake.

322. You what?

323. He stole Peggy's song.

324. Look at handsome Randy Travis.

325. I'd like to see his chiseled face when he goes back to that trailer.

326. Where are you looking, Dale?

327. Randy Travis's booth is empty.

328. Nuh-uh. I got his autograph.

329. It's our alibi.

330. This says, "Best regards, the Oak Ridge Boys."

331. Y-you mean, the one with the beard?

332. - The door's locked! I can't get out!

333. Oh, God! Oh! Oh!

334. Please be okay.

335. Please, please be okay.

336. Why would he toilet paper and then drive his own trailer into the lake?

337. Puzzling.

338. Oh, Hank, what is taking so long?

339. I was taking a nap.

340. Trailer must have come off the blocks.

341. Next year, I'm going to hire somebody to set it up.

342. Hank, I am so, so sorry.

343. Peggy said it was an accident but I don't know.

344. She thinks Randy Travis stole her song lyrics

345. and maybe that sent her over the edge.

346. Hank, Reverend Schuller once delivered a sermon

347. that came straight from my Christmas card,

348. but I didn't throw a rock through the Crystal Cathedral.

349. Well, I might've made things worse.

350. I said some awful things to her, Pastor Larry.

351. I told her she's not as great as she thinks she is.

352. Better she hears it from someone she loves.

353. Maybe she did try to drown Randy Travis.

354. No, what am I saying? She'd have to be crazy.

355. But, maybe the fact that her husband didn't support her

356. could've... no, Peggy's not crazy.

357. Right?

358. So, Doc, in your opinion,

359. had he shared some of the Brown Betty,

360. would he have gotten quite this sick?

361. Ronnie, please. I'm very ill.

362. What was in that Brown Betty anyway?

363. Um, I don't know.

364. My mom made it.

365. Aunt Peggy, what are you doing here?

366. Randy Travis is going to bring Uncle Hank up on stage any minute

367. to thank him for saving his life.

368. Well, Hank doesn't want me anywhere near the final jam concert.

369. He said he was afraid I'd take a swing at Faith Hill

370. for stealing our last name.

371. One more time for Martina McBride!

372. Thank you. This next act has been featured on the cover

373. of over 20 million boxes of Corn Flakes.

374. Ladies and gentlemen... Dunn!

375. "To Hank Hill. Love, Wynonna."

376. Thank you.

377. I'm going to hang this in my garage.

378. Now, you'll think about what I said?

379. I was raised with charcoal.

380. I'll die with charcoal.

381. So back off.

382. Mr. Hill, I'm Trooper Larson with the Tennessee State Police.

383. We received a tip that your wife Peggy Hill

384. might try to harm Mr. Randy Travis.

385. A tip? Who told you that?

386. - I did. - What? You can't do that.

387. I'm sorry, Hank. Your wife's nuts.

388. She's a threat to others.

389. We don't know that.

390. Nobody can really replace Kix Brooks.

391. But would y'all mind if Randy Travis gave it a try?

392. Mr. Hill, do you know where your wife is?

393. - Do you see something, sir? - There she is. That's Peggy Hill.

394. - Mrs. Hill? - Oh, no.

395. Peggy, I thought we agreed

396. you weren't going to come to the final jam concert.

397. I'm here to see Randy Travis.

398. I have something special to give to him.

399. Ma'am, I'd like you to come down to the police tent with me.

400. What? Well, I'm here to apologize.

401. Look, I brought him an Apple Brown Betty.

402. Homemade.

403. All right.

404. You see that? It's just a pie. No knife even.

405. Apple Brown Betty.

406. Kix Brooks was poisoned by a homemade Apple Brown Betty

407. fitting this description.

408. Peggy, what did he do to you?

409. This is Larson. I'm going to need backup.

410. This is Mockingbird. Who's Larson?

411. Ma'am, place the baked goods on the table and take a step back, please.

412. Why are you looking at me like that?

413. Randy Travis stole my song but I am not going to kill him.

414. I am not crazy.

415. Well, yeah, Peggy.

416. I mean... heh-heh.

417. Tell them, Hank.

418. Let's go.

419. You and your Brown Betty are coming down to the station.

420. Wait. She's not crazy.

421. I'll just take her home.

422. No. We have to test the pie.

423. What if I eat a piece of this Brown Betty

424. and I'm okay?

425. Then it'll prove that my wife's telling the truth, right?

426. Hank! Don't!

427. It's for Randy Travis.

428. Mr. Hill, don't.

429. There's already one man in the hospital.

430. Now, that is a good piece of pie.

431. I tell you what, they ought to change the name

432. to Apple Brown Peggy.

433. No, it's an Apple Brown Betty.

434. I just add a spoonful of orange juice.

435. It's... well, nobody else does that.

436. And now I'd like to introduce y'all to Hank Hill,

437. a man who taught me just how precious life is.

438. You see, yesterday my trailer fell in the lake,

439. and just as I was freeing myself, I saw this loyal fan

440. drowning in the water nearby, and I saved his life.

441. I want to bring him up to sing with me.

442. Come on up here, Hank.

443. Well, I'll punch him this time.

444. No. What's the use?