1. I have done it, Hank.Copy !req
2. I have finally done it.Copy !req
3. I have gotten someone to respond
to my letter.Copy !req
4. You see, Peggy?Copy !req
5. You just needed to find a pen palCopy !req
6. with as much free time as you have.Copy !req
7. No. I sent song lyrics
to every major country music starCopy !req
8. and I finally got this
from Mr. Randy Travis.Copy !req
9. Randy Travis?Copy !req
10. Oh, okay.Copy !req
11. "Dear songwriter, we regret to inform youCopy !req
12. blah, blah, blah, legal reasons,Copy !req
13. blah, blah, never read it,
blah, blah, blah.Copy !req
14. Once again, good luck
with your songwriting career.Copy !req
15. Signed, Rob Rieders
of the law firm Rieders & Anatol."Copy !req
16. Huh? Kind of sounds to me
like Randy Travis's lawyerCopy !req
17. sent you a rejection letter.Copy !req
18. Oh, Hank, they have to say that.Copy !req
19. Travis loved my lyrics.Copy !req
20. He called me a songwriter.Copy !req
21. He said I have a career in front of me.Copy !req
22. And you know what?Copy !req
23. He is right.Copy !req
24. - Yahoo!Copy !req
25. We've had many great suggestions
for our church bus trip this yearCopy !req
26. and we've decided to go
to Country Music Fan FairCopy !req
27. - in Nashville, Tennessee.
- I win!Copy !req
28. That was my suggestion.Copy !req
29. Thank you, Assistant Pastor Rayburn.Copy !req
30. For those of you who don't know,Copy !req
31. I am Peggy Hill.Copy !req
32. And Fan Fair is a four-day festival,Copy !req
33. where we will get to meet
our favorite country music starsCopy !req
34. including my friend, Randy Travis.Copy !req
35. Okay, may God look upon you with kindnessCopy !req
36. and give you peace. Amen.Copy !req
37. You are now dismissed.Copy !req
38. Connie, I'm going to miss you so much.Copy !req
39. I got you this phone card at the mall.Copy !req
40. It's good for ten minutesCopy !req
41. and it has Tony Danza's picture on it.Copy !req
42. Connie, my girlCopy !req
43. Buddha broke the mold when he made you.Copy !req
44. Okay, people! Two-minute warning!Copy !req
45. Please see me for your seat assignments
before you get on the bus.Copy !req
46. I was planning to let people sit
wherever they wanted, like church.Copy !req
47. Church is not a field trip.Copy !req
48. As a substitute educator,
I know field trips,Copy !req
49. and as a country songwriter,
I also know Nashville.Copy !req
50. Um, Peggy, I'm the assistant pastor
of this congregationCopy !req
51. and I did go to divinity school
in NashvilleCopy !req
52. where I wrote a hymn or two.Copy !req
53. Yes, but you did not get a letter
from Randy Travis and I did.Copy !req
54. - On the bus!Copy !req
55. Good morning,
fan fair-ers and fan fair-ees.Copy !req
56. I will be calling out various highlightsCopy !req
57. of our 14-hour trip to Nashville.Copy !req
58. Our first stopCopy !req
59. will be the world's largest
fiberglass raven,Copy !req
60. which is also the largest raven
I have ever seen.Copy !req
61. Congratulations to Eustice Miller,Copy !req
62. who came closest with a guess of 61.Copy !req
63. The number I was thinking of... was 64.Copy !req
64. Yes!Copy !req
65. Hank, is she going to play camp counselorCopy !req
66. through the entire state of Arkansas?Copy !req
67. Aw, come on, Dale, she's just having fun.Copy !req
68. Think of another number, Peggy!Copy !req
69. Hello, Mr. Souphanousinphone.Copy !req
70. Is Connie there?Copy !req
71. Connie? Uh...Copy !req
72. She's not here. She's...Copy !req
73. Where is she?Copy !req
74. If Connie want to go swimming
all afternoonCopy !req
75. with Chane Wassanassong,
that her business.Copy !req
76. Enjoy your hillbilly festival!Copy !req
77. Hey, this is Tony Danza.
You've got eight minutes left.Copy !req
78. On behalf of Fan Fair,Copy !req
79. let me be the first to welcome you
with a little songCopy !req
80. written by Peggy Hill.Copy !req
81. Thank you.Copy !req
82. Dinner's ready!Copy !req
83. I hope you brought your appetites.Copy !req
84. We are having spa-Peggy and meatballs.Copy !req
85. Did she say "spa-Peggy"?Copy !req
86. Well, spa-Peggy is a lot like spaghetti.Copy !req
87. I'm not sure what Peggy does different...Copy !req
88. If anything...Copy !req
89. But it's the one dish
she's kind of made her own.Copy !req
90. Well, hey there, cowboy.
Now, who's this pretty gal, your wife?Copy !req
91. We're not married.Copy !req
92. We're just sharing a tent.Copy !req
93. And we're cousins.Copy !req
94. Can you just sign our books,
and we'll be on our way?Copy !req
95. Whoa. What's the trouble, bubble?Copy !req
96. I think my girlfriend left me.Copy !req
97. Oh. Ladies and gentlemen,
it's going to be just a little while.Copy !req
98. We've got a situation here.Copy !req
99. So every time you call, Mr. SuperphoneCopy !req
100. tells you that Connie's out
with this Chane fella.Copy !req
101. He said for the first time in her lifeCopy !req
102. Connie is actually happy.Copy !req
103. It sounds like her daddy is using
his Chane to yank your chain.Copy !req
104. Kix is right. Heck,
I got a teenage daughter at homeCopy !req
105. and every time her boyfriend calls,Copy !req
106. I say she's out with Brad Pitt.Copy !req
107. Ooh!Copy !req
108. I love Brad Pitt!Copy !req
109. Your daughter is so lucky.Copy !req
110. No, Luanne, don't you get it?Copy !req
111. Connie and I are back together.Copy !req
112. Look! Look! It's really him!Copy !req
113. It's Randy Travis,
just like on the album cover!Copy !req
114. Oh... take a picture of me
giving him my lyrics.Copy !req
115. Someday my fans will want
to remember this moment.Copy !req
116. - Wait. Oh...Copy !req
117. Oh...Copy !req
118. I'll take my sandwich now.Copy !req
119. You know, there is a line here.Copy !req
120. - What the...
- You stole my song!Copy !req
121. No, no, no! No, you don't understand.Copy !req
122. I am not the bad guy.
Hank, will you say something?Copy !req
123. Why did you punch Randy Travis?Copy !req
124. "This is just the way God made me."Copy !req
125. I wrote that.Copy !req
126. Excuse me, fellas.
Hold up a second.Copy !req
127. I'm Mr. Travis's manager.Copy !req
128. Randy would like to speak to the lady.Copy !req
129. And we completely understandCopy !req
130. if you don't want to give us an autograph.Copy !req
131. I have proof of your thievery.Copy !req
132. You said I had
a promising songwriting career.Copy !req
133. Now, how do you plead?Copy !req
134. I don't plead anything, ma'am.Copy !req
135. I never saw your song.Copy !req
136. This is a form letter
from my guard dog lawyers.Copy !req
137. If I had a dime for every song
a fan sent me,Copy !req
138. I'd be Dolly Parton rich.Copy !req
139. Well, that explains it.Copy !req
140. - Thank you.
- Not to me, it does not.Copy !req
141. You think this is the first timeCopy !req
142. two songwriters came up
with similar lyrics?Copy !req
143. Stand by Your Man, Tammy Wynette,Copy !req
144. Understand Your Man, Johnny Cash.Copy !req
145. Do you see a pattern here?Copy !req
146. Yes, but "This Is Just
the Way God Made Me"Copy !req
147. is uniquely Peggy Hill.Copy !req
148. You see, I grew up in Montana,
and I had very big feet...Copy !req
149. I still do... and when other kids
would make fun of me,Copy !req
150. my grandma told me to tell them,Copy !req
151. "This is just the way God made me",Copy !req
152. and today, I am able to pass
that wisdom on to my students.Copy !req
153. You see, I am a Boggle champion
and a substitute teacher.Copy !req
154. Good for you. Teaching is important.Copy !req
155. Hank, what do you do for a living?Copy !req
156. I sell propane and propane accessories.Copy !req
157. Huh. Propane salesman.Copy !req
158. Now, that's something
that would make a good song.Copy !req
159. I have been saying that for years.Copy !req
160. Me, too.Copy !req
161. Bobby, I put out two
of your mom's Apple Brown Bettys.Copy !req
162. Now, I'm no math magician,
but there's only one here now.Copy !req
163. Did you eat the other one?Copy !req
164. I can see how you might jump
to that conclusionCopy !req
165. given last night's cupcake incident,Copy !req
166. and yes,
I did take the Apple Brown Betty...Copy !req
167. But it's for Brooks and Dunn,
to thank them for easing my pain.Copy !req
168. Dinner!Copy !req
169. Lord, thank you for the food
we're about to eat,Copy !req
170. for the quick-moving line
at the Sawyer Brown booth,Copy !req
171. for the calm skies...Copy !req
172. And please, God,
please punish Randy TravisCopy !req
173. for stealing my song.Copy !req
174. - Amen.Copy !req
175. And Miss Faith Hill
strained her vocal cordsCopy !req
176. cheering on her team
at the celebrity softball game.Copy !req
177. Her team still lost,Copy !req
178. thanks to a costly error by Garth Brooks.Copy !req
179. - As pretty as Faith is,Copy !req
180. we've got someone almost as pretty...Copy !req
181. Mr. Randy Travis!Copy !req
182. I'm surprised Randy TravisCopy !req
183. isn't still at the game stealing bases.Copy !req
184. Aw, come on, Peggy, this is our vacation.Copy !req
185. Can't we just have a good time?Copy !req
186. Look, you can have whatever
kind of time you like.Copy !req
187. I am going to sit here and boo.Copy !req
188. Would a couple of beers
help the situation?Copy !req
189. Boo! Boo!Copy !req
190. It sure would help me.Copy !req
191. Careful where you step, Lisa.Copy !req
192. That John Michael Montgomery'sCopy !req
193. been riding that horse of his around here.Copy !req
194. Whoa!Copy !req
195. Dad gummit, John Michael!Copy !req
196. Clint, I want a horse for my birthday.Copy !req
197. Oh, you got it, honey.Copy !req
198. Ideally, I would have gotten
Brooks and DunnCopy !req
199. matching Fan Fair water bottlesCopy !req
200. but I didn't have $40.Copy !req
201. This Brown Betty was priced to move.Copy !req
202. Just shove it back in the pan.
Nobody'll know the difference.Copy !req
203. Excuse me, partner.
You mind if I step in front of you?Copy !req
204. Well, I've been waiting...Copy !req
205. Oh, my God, you're Charlie Daniels.Copy !req
206. Mr. Daniels, I'm a huge fan.Copy !req
207. It would be an honor
to let you cut in front of me.Copy !req
208. Well, I appreciate it.Copy !req
209. I tell you what, why don't you
let me get you something, too?Copy !req
210. - What are you drinking?
- Oh, an Alamo, please.Copy !req
211. Let me have a Coke with no iceCopy !req
212. and an Alamo for my new friend here.Copy !req
213. That'll be four dollars, slim.Copy !req
214. - Thank you.Copy !req
215. Thank you very much. You're very kind.Copy !req
216. Hey, this next one has got
a little story behind it.Copy !req
217. When I was a kid, you see,
I spent a lot of time in Montana...Copy !req
218. cold, cold winters up there,Copy !req
219. and when I was about nine or ten,Copy !req
220. my feet were growing just a little bit
faster than the rest of me.Copy !req
221. - What?
- I mean, I had big feet...Copy !req
222. We're talking, like, Bozo-sized, folks...Copy !req
223. and when the other kids
would make fun of me,Copy !req
224. you see, my dad, who I might add,
was a substitute school teacher...Copy !req
225. - ... told me, "You tell them,Copy !req
226. 'This is just the way God made me.'"Copy !req
227. But... But... But that's my story!Copy !req
228. Two, three, four...Copy !req
229. Hank!Copy !req
230. So I called,
and Connie's dad answered.Copy !req
231. I disguised my voice and said I was fromCopy !req
232. Who's Who
in American Middle School Students.Copy !req
233. He put me right through.Copy !req
234. That only works once.Copy !req
235. And thanks for the Brown Betty.Copy !req
236. Thanks for Boot Scootin' Boogie!Copy !req
237. All right,
let's dig into that Apple Betty.Copy !req
238. Hey, get your own...
the boy gave it to me.Copy !req
239. It was meant for both of us.Copy !req
240. Well, you kept the sweater
that gal from Syracuse gave us.Copy !req
241. Well, how am I supposed
to share a sweater, Kix?Copy !req
242. You want me to rip it in half?Copy !req
243. Mmm! This is good pie!Copy !req
244. Hank? Where were you?Copy !req
245. Travis told my story!Copy !req
246. He said that it happened to him.Copy !req
247. He stole Boggle, he stole Montana,Copy !req
248. - he stole my big feet!
- Shh!Copy !req
249. Who said that? Who... who said that?Copy !req
250. All right, let's go outside.Copy !req
251. I cannot believe
you are siding with Travis.Copy !req
252. - I... I am your wife.
- Uh, look.Copy !req
253. I believe you believe you wrote that song,Copy !req
254. and I believe you believe
he stole your story,Copy !req
255. but that doesn't make it true.Copy !req
256. So, I'm a liar?Copy !req
257. - Why would I make this up, Hank?Copy !req
258. Well, Peggy, you've got a pretty high
opinion of yourself...Copy !req
259. Oh, then,
I should have a low opinion of myself?Copy !req
260. - Is that what you're saying?
- No, no, not at all, it's just that...Copy !req
261. you've done so much in your life,Copy !req
262. you don't need to take credit
for things you haven't done.Copy !req
263. Like writing that song
and, you know... the other stuff.Copy !req
264. What other stuff?Copy !req
265. Well, like dinner.Copy !req
266. I mean, I think it's cute that you call itCopy !req
267. spa-Peggy and meatballs,Copy !req
268. but... you know, it's just noodlesCopy !req
269. and tomato sauce and balls of meat.Copy !req
270. But then,
I add just the right amount of sugarCopy !req
271. and grated parmesano cheese.Copy !req
272. Okay, when we were setting up camp,Copy !req
273. you said that in your opinionCopy !req
274. kindling is the best wood to start a fire.Copy !req
275. Isn't it, Hank?Copy !req
276. Of course it is,
but it's not your opinion.Copy !req
277. It's a known fact.Copy !req
278. Now you say Randy Travis
has taken your childhoodCopy !req
279. and calling it his own.
It's getting crazy.Copy !req
280. So now I'm crazy?Copy !req
281. Well, it's... a gray area.Copy !req
282. I told you the truth, Hank.Copy !req
283. If I am lying,
may God strike me down right now.Copy !req
284. Ha!Copy !req
285. This is Mockingbird calling the Sparrow.Copy !req
286. - Hi, Dale.
- Use code names, Bill.Copy !req
287. - I'm Mockingbird.
- Sorry, Dale.Copy !req
288. Oh, hey, Peg-guin. Where's the Big Bird?Copy !req
289. Hank and I are spending
the rest of Fan Fair apartCopy !req
290. because of Randy Travis.Copy !req
291. He took me back to his trailer
and lied to my face.Copy !req
292. I'd like to spit on that trailer.Copy !req
293. Aw, what would that solve?Copy !req
294. We ought to wrap the trailer
in toilet paper.Copy !req
295. I think I have some left over
from the Billy Ray Cyrus job.Copy !req
296. Yes, I like that.Copy !req
297. I like that a lot.Copy !req
298. - All right, just one more.Copy !req
299. Then I've got to go find Peggy.Copy !req
300. Everybody smile.Copy !req
301. You're not smiling, Mr. Brooks.Copy !req
302. Mockingbird, this is the Peg-guin.Copy !req
303. We are at 50% tissue coverage.Copy !req
304. Morale is high.Copy !req
305. - How's Travis?
- Contained.Copy !req
306. I will secure an autograph
made out to all of us.Copy !req
307. It will be our alibi. Out.Copy !req
308. Okay, Bill, throw it. Throw it back over.Copy !req
309. I did a minute ago.
It should have landed by now.Copy !req
310. Boomhauer, give me a boost.Copy !req
311. Nah, it's okay. I'll get it.Copy !req
312. Do you see it?Copy !req
313. Well, it never would have happenedCopy !req
314. if he hadn't stolen my song.Copy !req
315. Hey! Hey, somebody... Somebody help!Copy !req
316. Get me out of here!Copy !req
317. Help me get out...Copy !req
318. And remember, not one word.Copy !req
319. As I like to say, what is done is done.Copy !req
320. Peggy, where have you been?Copy !req
321. We dumped Randy Travis's
trailer in the lake.Copy !req
322. You what?Copy !req
323. He stole Peggy's song.Copy !req
324. Look at handsome Randy Travis.Copy !req
325. I'd like to see his chiseled face
when he goes back to that trailer.Copy !req
326. Where are you looking, Dale?Copy !req
327. Randy Travis's booth is empty.Copy !req
328. Nuh-uh. I got his autograph.Copy !req
329. It's our alibi.Copy !req
330. This says,
"Best regards, the Oak Ridge Boys."Copy !req
331. Y-you mean, the one with the beard?Copy !req
332. - The door's locked! I can't get out!Copy !req
333. Oh, God! Oh! Oh!Copy !req
334. Please be okay.Copy !req
335. Please, please be okay.Copy !req
336. Why would he toilet paper and then drive
his own trailer into the lake?Copy !req
337. Puzzling.Copy !req
338. Oh, Hank, what is taking so long?Copy !req
339. I was taking a nap.Copy !req
340. Trailer must have come off the blocks.Copy !req
341. Next year, I'm going to hire
somebody to set it up.Copy !req
342. Hank, I am so, so sorry.Copy !req
343. Peggy said it was an accident
but I don't know.Copy !req
344. She thinks Randy Travis
stole her song lyricsCopy !req
345. and maybe that sent her over the edge.Copy !req
346. Hank, Reverend Schuller
once delivered a sermonCopy !req
347. that came straight from my Christmas card,Copy !req
348. but I didn't throw a rock
through the Crystal Cathedral.Copy !req
349. Well, I might've made things worse.Copy !req
350. I said some awful things to her,
Pastor Larry.Copy !req
351. I told her she's not as great
as she thinks she is.Copy !req
352. Better she hears it
from someone she loves.Copy !req
353. Maybe she did try to drown Randy Travis.Copy !req
354. No, what am I saying?
She'd have to be crazy.Copy !req
355. But, maybe the fact that her husband
didn't support herCopy !req
356. could've... no, Peggy's not crazy.Copy !req
357. Right?Copy !req
358. So, Doc, in your opinion,Copy !req
359. had he shared some of the Brown Betty,Copy !req
360. would he have gotten quite this sick?Copy !req
361. Ronnie, please. I'm very ill.Copy !req
362. What was in that Brown Betty anyway?Copy !req
363. Um, I don't know.Copy !req
364. My mom made it.Copy !req
365. Aunt Peggy, what are you doing here?Copy !req
366. Randy Travis is going to bring Uncle Hank
up on stage any minuteCopy !req
367. to thank him for saving his life.Copy !req
368. Well, Hank doesn't want me
anywhere near the final jam concert.Copy !req
369. He said he was afraid
I'd take a swing at Faith HillCopy !req
370. for stealing our last name.Copy !req
371. One more time for Martina McBride!Copy !req
372. Thank you. This next act
has been featured on the coverCopy !req
373. of over 20 million boxes of Corn Flakes.Copy !req
374. Ladies and gentlemen... Dunn!Copy !req
375. "To Hank Hill. Love, Wynonna."Copy !req
376. Thank you.Copy !req
377. I'm going to hang this in my garage.Copy !req
378. Now, you'll think about what I said?Copy !req
379. I was raised with charcoal.Copy !req
380. I'll die with charcoal.Copy !req
381. So back off.Copy !req
382. Mr. Hill, I'm Trooper Larson
with the Tennessee State Police.Copy !req
383. We received a tip
that your wife Peggy HillCopy !req
384. might try to harm Mr. Randy Travis.Copy !req
385. A tip? Who told you that?Copy !req
386. - I did.
- What? You can't do that.Copy !req
387. I'm sorry, Hank. Your wife's nuts.Copy !req
388. She's a threat to others.Copy !req
389. We don't know that.Copy !req
390. Nobody can really replace Kix Brooks.Copy !req
391. But would y'all mind
if Randy Travis gave it a try?Copy !req
392. Mr. Hill, do you know where your wife is?Copy !req
393. - Do you see something, sir?
- There she is. That's Peggy Hill.Copy !req
394. - Mrs. Hill?
- Oh, no.Copy !req
395. Peggy, I thought we agreedCopy !req
396. you weren't going to come
to the final jam concert.Copy !req
397. I'm here to see Randy Travis.Copy !req
398. I have something special to give to him.Copy !req
399. Ma'am, I'd like you to come down
to the police tent with me.Copy !req
400. What? Well, I'm here to apologize.Copy !req
401. Look, I brought him an Apple Brown Betty.Copy !req
402. Homemade.Copy !req
403. All right.Copy !req
404. You see that? It's just a pie.
No knife even.Copy !req
405. Apple Brown Betty.Copy !req
406. Kix Brooks was poisoned
by a homemade Apple Brown BettyCopy !req
407. fitting this description.Copy !req
408. Peggy, what did he do to you?Copy !req
409. This is Larson. I'm going to need backup.Copy !req
410. This is Mockingbird. Who's Larson?Copy !req
411. Ma'am, place the baked goods
on the table and take a step back, please.Copy !req
412. Why are you looking at me like that?Copy !req
413. Randy Travis stole my song
but I am not going to kill him.Copy !req
414. I am not crazy.Copy !req
415. Well, yeah, Peggy.Copy !req
416. I mean... heh-heh.Copy !req
417. Tell them, Hank.Copy !req
418. Let's go.Copy !req
419. You and your Brown Betty
are coming down to the station.Copy !req
420. Wait. She's not crazy.Copy !req
421. I'll just take her home.Copy !req
422. No. We have to test the pie.Copy !req
423. What if I eat a piece of this Brown BettyCopy !req
424. and I'm okay?Copy !req
425. Then it'll prove that my wife's
telling the truth, right?Copy !req
426. Hank! Don't!Copy !req
427. It's for Randy Travis.Copy !req
428. Mr. Hill, don't.Copy !req
429. There's already one man in the hospital.Copy !req
430. Now, that is a good piece of pie.Copy !req
431. I tell you what,
they ought to change the nameCopy !req
432. to Apple Brown Peggy.Copy !req
433. No, it's an Apple Brown Betty.Copy !req
434. I just add a spoonful of orange juice.Copy !req
435. It's... well, nobody else does that.Copy !req
436. And now I'd like to introduce y'all
to Hank Hill,Copy !req
437. a man who taught me
just how precious life is.Copy !req
438. You see,
yesterday my trailer fell in the lake,Copy !req
439. and just as I was freeing myself,
I saw this loyal fanCopy !req
440. drowning in the water nearby,
and I saved his life.Copy !req
441. I want to bring him up to sing with me.Copy !req
442. Come on up here, Hank.Copy !req
443. Well, I'll punch him this time.Copy !req
444. No. What's the use?Copy !req